Original subtitles

Wakey, wakey, two days till my birthday cakey.

Sleepy, sleepy, please shut up-y.

- Did you get me a present yet? - Randy.

Randy. Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.

Since I'm gonna be a little older in a few days...

I'd like you to start callin' me by my proper name- Randolph.

- Your name's Randall. - It is?

Is that even a real name?

I mean, Randolph's a name I've actually heard before...

like Randolph Hitler.

Randall sounds so weird.

I mean, Mom and Dad might as well have named me Pork Chop-

Pork Chop Hickey.

Hey, I kind of like that.

- Earl, will you- - No, I will not.

I'll just make it my birthday wish then.

Randy, you can't say your wish, or it won't come true.

Damn it!

Next year.

Good mornin', Earl.

Good mornin', Randy.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] I'd put a lot of thought into Randy's birthday present this year...

and even though it was two days early...

it wasn't the kind of thing I could hide in the closet.

- Nice ride, Earl. - Thanks.

- It's a birthday present for Randy. - Wow.

This is nicer than your car.

I know he's your brother, but I'd like to remind you that for my last birthday...

you gave me a mug that said "Happy bat mitzvah."

I thought it meant "Happy birthday" in Spanish.

Besides, it's not just a birthday gift.

I'm crossin' somethin' off the list.

Number 213- never let Randy have anything better than me.

[Earl Narrating] Our whole lives, whenever me and Randy got stuff...

I always just took the better thing for myself.

Randy, you'd look so cool in this thing.

- # You can't always trust a woman # - Whether it was stuff we stole-

Men wear these?

- # You can't always trust your best friend # - Mm-hmm.

- or girls. - Sorry, I'm saving myself for marriage.

I'm not.

Uh, this one's mine.

Uhh-

So, uh, do you want to talk about the Lord?

All right.

Even when we moved into the motel.

Bad news, Randy. Your side's got a big bloodstain on it.

Randy deserves to finally get somethin' better than me, and he's always loved Rancheros.

They're his favorite kind of car- and eggs.

## [Blues: Man Singing, Indistinct]

- Hey, Randy- - Not now.

I bet this was more fun when they were alive.

It's not my fault. The water heats up under the lights.

The good news is you can eat the crab right out of the prize slot.

I know it's two days early, but I got you a birthday present- really cool one.

So, a parkin' space. What made you think of that?

Well, uh, I know how you're always jealous of handicapped people...

'cause they get their own spots.

I can't believe someone stole it.

[Earl Narrating] There was a reason I was so surprised my car had been stolen.

In Camden County, there were only two rules:

Never snitch, and crooks don't steal from other crooks.

- Earl? - [Groans]

Earl!

Creepy Rodney? What the hell, man?

I'm sorry, buddy. I didn't know it was you.

- Man, I'm a jerk. - No biggie.

When'd you start workin' with the rock?

- What happened to your knife? - Rocks are misdemeanors.

Good to know.

Come on, Joy.

I just want to know who's been stealin' cars around town.

I'll tell you who's not stealin' cars- that dipstick who carjacked me.

Found him sleepin' in the Brat.

Beat the snot out of him with that Razor scooter I'd been ridin' around on.

Long story short, got the Brat back, but the Razor scooter pulls to the left.

Look, I don't need to know who's not rippin' off cars. I need to know who is.

Crap! Stole my bait. Fish are too damned smart.

I'm gonna have to dumb 'em down.

Babe, you're underminin' the spirit of the game.

This ain't the Olympics, Darnell. It's a freakin' buffet.

Look, Earl, you were smart to come to me. I am excellent at solvin' mysteries.

Forty-five minutes into CSI, I always know what happened. So give me a little more info.

- The car was just stolen from the parking lot five minutes ago. - Was it a stick shift?

- No, automatic. - Hmm. On the column or on the floor?

- Column. Why? - You're looking for Clyde Fowler and his little buddy Bed Bug.

H-How can you possibly know that?

Clyde and Bed Bug were in here this morning, sayin' they were lookin' to steal a car.

Damn it, Darnell! I was mind-freakin' him!

[Earl Narrating] I went way back with Clyde and Bed Bug.

I knew 'em when they werejust Clyde and Clyde's friend from out of town.

Earl Hickey. Well, this is a blast from the past.

Hey, how's that hot wife of yours?

Didn't she run off with some black dude, but you didn't do nothin'...

because you found Jesus or his grocery list or somethin'?

I made a list of all the things I've done wrong.

Was number one lettin' some black dude steal your woman? [Laughing]

Yeah. So, uh, anyway, fellas...

the reason I stopped by is that Ranchero there.

- Ain't she a beauty? - She sure is.

Here's the thing. The car is mine.

- You're kiddin' me. - Sorry.

I hate to bring you down off what I'm sure was a real good stealin' high...

but I should probably just, you know, take the car and get goin'.

Well, now-now-now, look. L- I hate to bring you down...

from what must be a real good "I found my car" high, but- [Clears Throat]

You're not gettin' that Ranchero back.

What are you talkin' about, Clyde? It's me.

- Guys like us have a rule. - But you ain't guys like us no more.

You see, chief, nowadays you fall more in the, uh...

civilian/victim column of the ledger.

Look, I don't know what a ledger is, but I've paid my dues.

And I'll be damned if you two losers are gonna keep my car!

- [Barks, Growls] - Well, I don't think Dubya likes your tone, Earl.

But we're reasonable people.

You can have the car back.

- For $1,500. - [Laughing]

Hell, no! I'm not buyin' it back.

We're takin' this problem to Mr. Wallace.

[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's oldest, toughest and most respected criminal.

[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace was Camden's oldest, toughest and most respected criminal.

So when two crooks had a beef, they went to him.

He also worked part-time as a crossing guard for the health insurance.

Hold it, boys, hold it. I have a client.

Okay, I've heard enough. Earl, you are no longer one of us.

You want the car back, you'll have to pay.

- Pay? That's bullcrap! - Hey, watch your language there!

And if you ever come to me again with a problem this small...

I will shoot you in the face...

and splatter your brains all over this crosswalk and everybody in it.

But not on you, sweetheart.

We wouldn't want to ruin that pretty little dress. Hmm?

[Earl Narrating] As soon as I paid up and got the car back...

I went straight over to the Crab Shack to give Randy his present A.S.A.P.

I decided I wasn't gonna let those two dirtbags ruin what was gonna be a great birthday.

Randy deserved this car, no matter what thejudge said about his driving.

Didn't matter how much it cost me.

The look on his face was gonna make everything worth it.

Hmm.

- Uh, another parkin'space. - Son of a bitch.

It's one thing not to be treated like a fellow criminal, but stealin' my car twice?

Now they're treatin' me like a punk.

You are a punk, sittin' here complainin' like a little bitch.

The old Earl would just get drunk, go steal a city bus...

and drive it right through their kitchen.

Of course, if you were the old Earl, they wouldn't have stolen your car in the first place.

True dat. Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

when first we practice to make a stupid-ass list.

I hate to say it, but if they're gonna treat me like a civilian...

I might have to act like one.

- [Bell Dinging] - I might have to go to the police.

Earl, you can't snitch. You know the order.

Regular people, fat people...

cops, Al-Qaeda...

stuff you squeeze out of a zit...

and then snitches.

Well, then I don't know what to do. But I gotta get Randy's car back.

When did you move fat people above Al Qaeda and stuff inside a zit?

Saw this thing on Dateline about thyroids.

Broke my heart.

[Earl Narrating] I was so mixed up, I went walkin'for hours.

Before I knew it, I was near the police station.

But I still wasn't prepared to go in.

I had to work out all the pros and minuses.

Joy might be right about the code, but Clyde and Bed Bug said themselves...

I'm not one of'em anymore.

But snitches are the lowest of the low.

Do I want to be known as that? No way.

But why do I care what a bunch of lowlifes think of me? I don't.

Ah, I'm lyin'. I do care.

But Randy deserves that car, and I'm gonna make sure he gets it.

[Cooing]

Thank you.

[Earl Narrating] In the end, the most important thing was gettin'Randy's car back.

So what choice did I have?

So you car's been stolen. Man, that's the pits.

Well, sit down. We'll fill out some forms.

By the way, there's coffee and a Bundt cake in the break room if you're an emotional eater.

Guilty as charged, Your Honor. [Chuckles]

Look, I was hopin' we could skip the forms, and I'd just tell you who did this...

off the record, just between us, and... you can go get my car.

You know who did it? That's great.

Findin' out who did it is the part of this job that I hate. Who was it?

Clyde Fowler and Bed Bug.

Wow, Earl. I never pegged you for a snitch.

- I wasn't left with a lot of choices. - [Hand Thuds]

- Well, you know what snitches get. - Their tongues cut out?

No. You get to pick a prize from our goody drawer.

We got anything you could want in here. We got candy, trinkets, novelties.

- How about my self-respect? - Sure. We got comic books, pizza coupons, marijuana.

That's not supposed to be in here.

[Earl Narrating] I walked around for a while hatin'the fact that I snitched...

but what was done was done.

At least it was all over.

Or maybe not.

I agree. It's probably got something to do with you snitching.

Ooh! Earl, there's a present in the sink...

from either a very large dog or a very small man.

Well, Clyde's got one of each.

How the hell'd they find out about this?

What are you lookin'at me for? I'm a trained professional.

I would never compromise the identity of a-

Check that. I did it.

Hey, Nichols, looks like the contest for most arrests this month is over.

Earl Hickey just fingered Clyde Fowler and Bed Bug for all those car thefts.

So it looks like I'm the one goin' to sunny Tallahassee. [Chuckles]

- How do you spell "Hickey"? - Uh, it's H-l-

I gotta see the letters in front of me. Give it here.

- What did we do before texting? You ever think about that? - Hmm!

Might as well just take you to Clyde's house so you can bring him in...

since they know I'm talkin' to the stupid cops now anyway.

Hey, watch the tone. I remind you, I'm the only one here with a gun.

Oh, crap. Hope I left it in the cruiser.

Where's my car, dirtbags?

Easy, Earl, easy. I'm the one with the badge.

Oh, that too? I swear, it's like there's little gremlins around.

- Would you just ask 'em about the damn car? - Right.

Gentlemen, I'm gonna need you to tell me where you're keepin' the stolen Ranchero.

Stolen Ranchero? There's no stolen Ranchero here.

[Mexican Accent] Rancheros? We don't need no stinkin' Rancheros.

[Laughs, Clears Throat]

- [Police Radio Chatter] - You gotta be kiddin'me. That's it?

What else can I do? The case has gone cold. These guys are crafty.

Crafty? The smartest guy in there was the dog.

They're idiots who happened to know we were comin' ahead of time...

because you're a horrible police officer.

I know when people look at me all they see is the gun and the badge.

- You don't even- - When I have them!

But under this uniform is a human being with feelings, okay?

- [Clyde, Bed Bug Laughing] - [Earl Narrating] Gettin'laughed at did two things.

It pissed me off and convinced me...

I had to steal their lowrider and trade it back for my Ranchero.

Problem solved.

Would you mind lookin' at me? We are in the middle of a conversation.

- Fine. Just like my sister. - [Engine Starts]

[Earl Narrating] If I was gonna steal Clyde's lowrider, I needed help.

Hey, Jasper, you know anyone who's good at hot-wiring a car?

I mean, not someone too expensive...

but maybe a college kid lookin' for their first break.

I have no idea what you're talkin' about. I'm a legitimate businessman.

- [Coughs] Snitch. - What?

- [Coughs] Snitch. - Wait, wait. I don't know what-

I'm sayin' "snitch," you stupid deaf tattletale!

Obviously, you talk a lot better than you hear. [Coughs]

Great. Now my throat really is scratchy. Go to hell!

[Earl Narrating] When my room got tossed...

I was hopin'only Clyde and Bed Bug had found out about me talkin'to the cops.

But now thatJasper knew, I was wonderin'who else did.

- Hey, Creepy Rodney. - Snitch!

Snitch! Snitch!

Apparently everybody.

Heads up, Earl. Mr. Wallace is over there.

He offered Big Damon $50 to puncture your kidney with a pool cue.

Maybe you should do your drinking someplace else for a while.

P.J. Stackers out on the interstate is nice. Duck!

No pun intended, but that should be your cue.

[Earl Narrating] I should've known this would've happened.

- As soon as I helped out the other team, I got kicked off my own. - Hmm?

But even if everyone else turned on me, I knew I could always count on Randy.

Good news, Randy. We're goin' stealin'.

Oh, my God, the stealin' bag!

[Inhales Deeply] And it still smells like crime.

That's right, Randy. It's gonna be like the good old days.

I can't tell you everything, 'cause it's kind of a tricky job...

- but we're stealin' a lowrider. - [TV: Cartoon Sound Effects]

The first thing we have to deal with is a big dog.

So I crushed up a bunch of sleepin' pills...

and put 'em in some peanut butter crackers.

What'd you say about peanut butter, sleepy? [Snores]

Good night, Randy.

[Snoring]

Since Randy ate the pills, I had to come up with a new plan.

Fortunately, like Clyde and Bed Bug, Dubya was a big drinker too.

[Snoring]

I hadn't kept up on all the latest trade craft...

but I figured hot-wirin'a car...

was like ridin'a bike or shopliftin'.

- It'd come back to me. - [Grunts]

- [Horn Honking, Alarm Blaring] - It didn't.

#Cisco Kid was a friend of mine #

#Cisco Kid was a friend of mine #

#He drink whiskey #

- # Pancho'd drink the wine ## - [Grunts]

I just couldn't leave without takin' somethin'I could trade back to Clyde.

And once again, I had to come up with a new plan.

[Siren Blaring]

[Hoyne] Pull the trash can to the side of the road and put your hands in the air.

Hey there, Officer Hoyne. I was just takin' my garbage can out-

for a run.

Save it, Earl. I've been stakin' this place out since you said I was such a bad cop.

Well, I'm not such a bad cop now, am I? I said put your hands in the air!

- [Snarling] - Stay! Oh, my God!

Look, just give me some info on somebody else, and you can go.

Fine.

[Whispers] I know a lazy cop who didn't wash his hands when he used the bathroom.

That's very funny. For your information, I didn't touch anything.

Look, I'm not snitchin' again. Why would I give you more information?

It seems like the only person you ever arrest is me.

Come on, Earl. There's lots of fun stuff in the goody drawer.

We got little yo-yos. We got jelly beans. Lip Smackers for the lady snitch.

And we got those little toys where you push the button and the guy falls down.

Remember these? Huh?

[Earl Narrating] I did remember those. I remembered all of those.

People could've gotten those prizes from anywhere...

- like a dentist's office or a clown's yard sale. - # Under my thumb #

But at this point I'd lost everything and was willing to roll the dice.

#The girl who once had me down #

#Under my thumb #

#The girl who once pushed me around #

- # It's down to me # - Okay.

- I'm ready to talk. - Great.

[Earl Narrating] So I gave him some information...

about who was muggin'people comin'out of the library.

And if my hunch was right, the rest of the work would be done for me.

- Hey, hey, hey, felony? No! - ## [Continues, Indistinct]

- Rock is a misdemeanor. - Sorry.

Rock got upgraded to a Class "A" weapon.

F. Y.I., a stick is still a misdemeanor...

long as it's not too pointy and weighs less than your run-of-the-mill rock.

Wait! I'll talk. You know I always have good information.

Joy Turner shoplifts from the Bargain Bag...

every time the security guard does his afternoon dialysis.

[Earl Narrating] Just like dominoes...

as soon as one was pushed, the rest started fallin'.

This is redonkulous. I was wearin' 10 pair of panties when I walked into that store.

Uh, hold up. Jasper Murphy tried to sell me a Chinese baby the other day.

Man, of course I know their names, man. These are my children.

Uh, that one's Yao Ming, and- and this one's, uh, General Tso...

- and-and this little guy's, uh, um, Hitachi. - [Cooing]

Okay, okay. Clyde and Bed Bug don'tjust steal cars.

[Earl Narrating] Turns out a chain is only as strong as its weakest link...

and the chain of criminals in Camden County were all weak links.

I found out when push came to shove, everybody was a snitch.

But even better, they found out that I knew.

Hey, Rodney.

Turns out criminals snitchin'on criminals was the oldest game in Camden.

- [Clears Throat] Snitch. - Everybody played.

[Earl] New flavor of Lip Smackers, Joy?

What, now you're a snitch and a spy?

You oughta be ashamed.

[Earl Narrating] Even the hall-of-famers.

Well, well. Mr. Wallace.

I see you took the yo-yo over the fake teeth.

Which is surprising, since it seems like you've become very chatty.

Fine, you got me.

I've been in the game 70 years, and I'm not lettin' a punk like you take me down.

How about I give you the same deal I gave Frankie Avalon?

I'll make you a star. Ever want to make a record?

I got somethin'else in mind.

[Earl Narrating] Mr. Wallace still had a lot ofjuice...

- 'cause by the next morning I had Randy's present back. - Look what I got you.

I already had her. Not great.

Not me, jerk. The car.

For me? But this car is better than yours.

That's the point. Happy birthday, Randy.

Or if it makes you uncomfortable, we could trade.

- Thanks again, Earl. - You're welcome, Pork Chop.