Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] It used to be the best part about finishing a meal at the Crab Shack...

was that you were finished with a meal at the Crab Shack.

But Darnell was makin' a few changes.

Can I tempt you fellas with some desserts?

Wow, strawberry shortcake. Fancy.

We're tryin' to class the place up...

and this was easier than tryin' to get rid of that smell.

That strawberry shortcake sure does look good, huh, Earl?

I don't like strawberries. But I'm gonna take that German chocolate.

- [Bell Dings] - I don't like strawberries too.

I didn't realize that's what was in it.

Chocolate sounds better. And German's one of my favorite flavors.

You boys finish up your homework.

Don't do too good a job at it.

Mama needs that summer school for free day care.

I gotta draw something I think is beautiful for art class...

and I can't think of anything.

Well, what about a butterfly or a rainbow...

or the small of Denzel Washington's back?

I drew something beautiful, Mom.

- Who is that? - Her.

Please tell me somebody slipped you a shot of vodka.

- Oh, yeah. She's mine. - [Men Chuckling]

[Men Chattering]

[Jasper] That's mine. Right there. Come on! Hey, check it out.

A dude cheerleader! [Groans]

They should put a skirt on him, like the rest of the girls.

And stuff his bra. And put lipstick on him.

[Earl Narrating] This wasn't the first mob I had ever seen turn on a male cheerleader.

And it reminded me of somethin'on my list.

- [School Bell Rings] - Hey, Kenny.

- [Gasps] - Whoa. Where you goin'?

- Didn't you hear? I'm the new backpack inspector. - [Zipper Opens]

George Orwell, you sure were right about 1984.

[Chuckles] What's this?

Oh, my God. Kenny wants to be a cheerleader!

N-N-No, I don't! I was gonna audition for the football-

A sock, man. Nice, Randy.

But you already crossed Kenny off. Remember? You made him gay.

Well, I crossed "Always picked on KennyJames" off my list...

but "Kept Kenny from his dream of cheerleading" is an entirely different list item.

Well, then "Made Randy drink toilet water when he was eight"...

and "Made Randy drink toilet water when he was 10" better be two separate list items.

Keep talkin', I'm gonna cut off that hair!

[Voice Cracks] That beautiful, beautiful hair.

[Woman On TV] At Kimmi Himler Cheer Academy...

you too will be able to tuck, toe touch, tumble...

fly and basket toss with the best of them!

Each camp session includes an end of session cheer-off!

Come for the cheer. Stay for the friendships.

[Man On TV] Friendships not guaranteed by camp.

We've got spirit! Yes, we do!

We've got spirit! How about you?

[Woman On TV] How about you? You? You?

So I checked with the camp...

and they said they're okay with a grown man staying in dorms with teen girls.

You just have to sign a "no statutory rape" waiver.

I told 'em you were gay, but they said they're not fallin' for that again.

Oh, well, that's so nice of you. But that cheerleading flyer wasn't mine.

I've been trying to tell you. That was ac-

[Earl Narrating] There was a reason Randy kept stickin'socks in Kenny's mouth.

Kenny didn't want to be a cheerleader. Randy did.

- Turns out, I only knew half the story. - [School Bell Rings]

Say anything and I'll kill you.

For a gay guy, you sure do have a good memory.

Randy, l-I didn't know you wanted to be a cheerleader.

Come back so we can talk about this!

That's what girlie guys like to do, right? Talk about stuff?

[Lock Clicks]

- I'm in here. - So am I.

[Earl Narrating] Randy wantin'to be a dude cheerleader seemed kinda crazy.

But lookin'back, he'd given me plenty of clues.

- [Stomps] - Cockroach.

[Sighs]

I'll have the number two special.

- What would you like to order, Randy? - Number one!

- Well, that's the last beer. - I'll go get another case.

## [Girls Vocalizing]

- Randy? Come on. Randy? - How long do you think you're gonna be in here?

These bubbles are going fast, and Kenny doesn't like anyone else to see Chester.

Stuart, put a washcloth over Chester!

[Earl] Randy, you're on my list now.

And l-I can't cross you off until I send you to cheerleadin'camp.

So you can make fun of me?

- Tell him you want to go too. - No! I'm a man.

It's the only way Randy will do it. He follows whatever you do.

How many years were you Batman and Big Batman for Halloween?

[Earl Narrating] Kenny was right. Randy does do everything I do.

And if I was gonna cross him off my list...

we were gonna have to be cheerleader and big cheerleader.

I made fun of dude cheerleaders 'cause-

[Exhales] I kinda wanted to be one too.

L-I just didn't think I could make it.

- You're just sayin' that. - I love cheerin'.

My whole life, I've dreamed of ownin' a pom.

- Pom-poms. - Y-Two poms.

In fact, l-l-I've been sneakin'off to cheer for years.

But mostly in the shower, so I've never tried anything too advanced...

'cause of how slippery it is in there.

Yeah. That's why I wear my shoes when I shower.

Do you still want to be a cheerleader?

Yep. That's why I'm gonna go to this camp with or without you.

Randy, I don't know much about cheerleading camp...

but it sounds [Singsong] spectacular!

Kenny taught me to say it that way.

[Cheering, Indistinct]

- Ready? - Okay.

[Earl Narrating] When we were kids, I'd destroyed Randy's dream ofbecoming a cheerleader...

which probably kept Dad from kickin'him out of the house.

But I still needed to make it up to him.

And while we were goin'after Randy's dreams...

Joy was tryin'to replace Catalina in her son's dreams.

Hey, sweetheart.

- Mom- - Yes, baby?

You look old.

You look old!

[Earl Narrating] Camp was already a nightmare for me...

but for Randy it was a dream come true.

My name is Skyler.

If you go high, then I'll go higher.

My name is Randy and I like candy and I like corn dogs.

[Woman] Hello, cheermates, and welcome to the Kimmi Himler Cheer Academy!

[Cheering]

My name is Kimmi Himler.

What's wrong with your face?

Oh, apparently we have some new campers with us today.

[Earl Narrating] Turns out Kimmi Himler was once the captain...

of the Nathanville Community College Fightin'Badger cheerleading squad.

We are Badgers. B-A-D-G-E-R-S.

We're bad. We're Badgers.

And their senior year, they ditched the guy in the suit and got a real badger...

- which they didn't really think through. - [Chuckles]

[Pole Clatters]

He's gone! The badger's gone!

Okay, everything's gonna be okay...

as long as none of them girls are on their period.

- [Screaming] - [Badger Roaring]

Go Badgers! Go. Go!

- [Screaming Continues] - [Roaring Continues]

The point is, I never stopped cheering...

even after the attack, when they had to stick an eight-inch rabies needle...

directly into my stomach once a week for six months.

[Chuckles] Who else has that kind of spirit?

Mary Lou Retton!

Um, well, anyway, everyone find your hometown...

- and you'll find your cheer squad! Okay! - [Girl] Hey, Kimmi!

[Chattering]

What a team.

Great. Just what this team was missin'- two old dudes.

Okay, teams. Ready, set, go!

What's goin' on?

- Supposed to be formin' a pyramid. - Come on, Earl. Get on.

Don't even bother. Last place gets last dorm pick.

As usual, looks like last place is going to go to Camden!

Perfect as usual, Nathanville.

Thanks, Mom.

Maybe they'll give us a nice dorm because of your... situation.

No, we got the crappy ones last year, and I was pregnant then too.

[Earl Narrating] Cheer camp was gonna be harder than I thought...

and so was changing Dodge's mind.

Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare...

so it's considered a treasure of the human race.

It's what World War II was about.

Why do you think theJapanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous.

Oh, come on! You just like her 'cause she's the same color as pancakes.

[Earl Narrating] Even though me and Randy...

would be sleeping in the third floorjanitor's closet...

they did let us help our teammates get moved into their rooms.

It's not that bad.

If it makes you feel better, I don't think that urine smell's from humans.

[Scoffs] These are the bunks that Camden gets every year...

because we always come last at everything.

Randy, you know, if we're gonna lose anyway...

maybe we should just pack up our tiny, tight, itchy cheer pants and go.

We can't quit, Earl. We've got more competitions.

And at the end of the week, we cheer in front of a real crowd.

They'll yell back any letter you ask 'em to. Even the hard letters.

What's the point of bein' in front of a crowd when we're gonna suck?

Speak for yourself, robo face. I don't suck.

- [Chuckles] - Cool it, Juno. You suck worser than she do.

Every time you do a split, I'm afraid your little mistake's gonna pop out.

This pregnancy was not a mistake.

At the time, Coach Barnes and I were in a committed relationship.

- That's not what I heard. - Oh, eat a chicken, fat ass.

Stop it! Stop callin' each other names!

Come on. Preggers, Headgear, Chunk, Black Girl.

You know why Badger Face treats us so bad?

Because people expect Camden folks to act this way, to turn on each other.

Me and Earl have been dreamin' about bein' cheerleaders our whole lives...

but we never did anything about it because we let what other people thought control us.

- Right, Earl? - Yep.

And now I'm gonna be a cheerleader...

no matter how stupid and girlie and embarrassin' that is.

Who cares what other people think?

I'm here to do whatever it takes to be the most best cheerleader I can be.

Me too. Maybe this year the football team...

will finally invite me to a party that's actually happening.

That's the spirit, Headgear.

Look at all the good things about our squad.

Like Preggers is actually two cheerleaders in one.

And I can lift people really high.

[Earl Narrating] I was impressed with Randy. He wasn'tjust cheerin; he was leadin'.

- [Gasp] - [Squeaking]

[Screaming]

[Screams]

[Earl Narrating] After Randy's speech, a funny thing happened.

#Whoop, there it is Whoop, there it is #

The girls all went to bed that night as I's and woke up as a team.

#Whoop, there it is Whoop, there it is #

After a few hours, we weren't just a team, we were a squad-

which later someone told me meant the same thing as team.

And our skit could only be described as raggedy awesome.

- Our team is boom! Dynamite! - [Laughing]

Tick, tick, tick.

- Boom! Dynamite! - Tick, tick, tick.

Our team is boom! Dynamite! Tick, tick, tick.

By the end of the day, we'd put the other squads on notice: Camden was here to cheer.

- That big guy has the spirit of 10 cheerleaders. - Mommy will take care of it.

Sorry. I have bad news. I went through the rule book...

and adult men can't participate in the camp.

So P-A-C-K up your crap and go!

I guess I won't get to cheer in front of a real crowd after all.

But Kimmi owns the camp. She can change the rules.

Doesn't matter, Earl. The president owns the country, but he doesn't make the rules.

The Pilgrims make the rules.

I'd argue, but history is the only subject he's better than me at.

[Sighs]

- [No Audible Dialogue] - [Earl Narrating] I didn't know exactly...

how I was gonna change Kimmi's mind about kickin'me and Randy out...

but I knew I had to do somethin'.

Nothing is going to change my mind.

Now if you'll excuse me, Meg Ryan's about to find out who's been sending her mail.

It's Tom Hanks.

Over the years, I've come to know the signs of a lonely woman:

No wedding ring, sappy movie...

half gallon of ice cream, one spoon...

and a face horribly disfigured by a runaway badger.

I had to do whatever it took to give Randy his chance to cheer.

Listen, Kimmi.

I'm not really here for my brother.

I'm here 'cause I'm lonely.

L-O-N-E-L-L-Y.

- [Gasps] - Lonely.

You've got male, if you want it.

And so, I did what had to be done.

Unfortunately, Kimmi was flexible.

So no matter what position we were in, we were always face to face.

- [Grunts] - [Growls]

Is your eye gonna drip every time you blink?

Guess so.

We're back in, and I need a hug.

I'd resorted to desperate measures, and I wasn't the only one.

Baby, what are you doing?

Just spraying on some glitter before I go read Dodge his bedtime story.

- Can you hand me my fishnets? - Good God, this Catalina thing is making you crazy.

What is so crazy about a mama wantin' her son to think she's sexy?

Everything! Boys aren't supposed to think their mothers are sexy.

I mean, maybe a couple weird dreams during puberty...

you don't tell anyone about, but that's it.

I'm not just gonna sit back and lose my son to some skeevy senorita.

He's not gonna run off with Catalina.

Even if she was into eight-year-olds, I doubt she wants you as a mother-in-law.

Catalina's just the flavor of the week.

Then it'll be some other girl, then some other girl.

Before you know it, he's 16 and has a family of his own and then-

then he won't need me at all.

Baby, it doesn't matter how many girls he has.

He only has one mama. He'll always need you.

You don't know that.

[Sighs]

[Earl Narrating] Darnell fancied himself a good parent.

And sometimes when you wanna help someone you love who's hurtin'...

you have to hurt someone else you love to make it right.

You have to hurt someone else you love to make it right.

- [Yells] - [Blade Whirring]

Baby?

Mommy, Mommy, the fan fell on me for no reason, and it was on.

- Oh, it's okay, sweetie. I'm here. - [Crying]

I'm always gonna be here.

[Earl Narrating] It was the final performance...

and after stayin'up for two nights practicing, the Camden squad was ready to go.

Unfortunately, my stomach was too.

You okay, Earl?

I'm feelin' a little nauseous.

Well, if you have to hurl, you should go outside.

They'll take away points if they think you're doin' it to lose weight.

[Earl Narrating] Over the week, I had gotten used to doin'cheerleading...

around a bunch of other cheerleaders...

but when I thought about gettin'up in front of a real audience...

my stomach was the one doin'backflips.

- 'Sup, loser? - Joy?

- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman.

Randy sent us a postcard sayin' y'all were havin' a lot of fun at cheer camp.

And Earl, I do not say this enough.

You are a douche bag.

Sorry about the camera, Earl. But with all the things Joy has let me record...

it would've been rude for me to deny her this.

Does anybody else know about this?

[Laughing]

Oh, my God!

Randy, Randy, Randy. I can't do this.

What?

Joy's here and she brought a ton of people from the Crab Shack.

They got camcorders! We're gonna look stupid and 10 pounds heavier.

So what? This is our dream, Earl.

Not mine, just yours. I just lied so I could cross you off my list.

That was a horrible thing to do.

You know what's a horrible thing? Tryin' to satisfy a double-jointed woman...

while gettin' squirted in the face with eye milk.

- I did that for you, but that's it. I'm done. - Well, if you're done, I'm done.

No, Randy, that's how all this started.

Look, all you do is follow me.

You can't just do what I do your whole life.

If this is your dream, then you do it on your own.

You're right. I get what you're sayin'.

I'll do it.

But only if you do with me.

Oh, damn it, Randy, This is what I'm talkin' about.

Randy, we ain't goin' on without you.

[Chanting] We got spirit. Yes, we do.

We got spirit. How 'bout you?

[Woman On P.A.] The Kimmi Himler Cheer Academy presents Team Camden!

- [People] Camden! - I do got spirit. Yes, I do.

Yes!

[Cheering]

[Mouthing Words]

Yeah!

Thank you, Lord, for the gift we are about to receive.

- [Man] Let's go. Let's go, man. - [Man #2] Let's go!

Are you pressing play? Press play!

Randy Hickey for homecoming queen!

[Jasper] Shake your pom-poms, cutie boy!

[Joy] You wouldn't be smilin' if you knew how stupid you look!

We're gonna put this on YouTube as soon as one of us figures out how to use a computer!

Hey, Randy. Your vagina's showing!

[Earl Narrating] My whole life, Randy's followed me.

He's always been by my side.

You could say he's been my cheerleader...

and, well, I figured for once I should be his.

## [Pop On Speaker]

Bang, bang, choo-choo train. Come on, Camden. Do your thing.

- We can't. - Why not?

My back is aching. My skirt's too tight. My booty's sagging from left to right.

That don't sound like Camden spirit.

I know you got it. Come on. Let's hear it.

Bang, bang, choo-choo train. Come on, Camden. Do your thing.

Get it, get it, get it, get it. Got it, got it, got it, got it.

C- A-M! C- A-M-D-E-N. Camden!

[Cheering]

[Earl Narrating] We weren't the best squad that camp had ever seen...

but we were the best squad Camden had ever seen...

and that was all because of Randy.

[Hoots]

Nice job, cowboy.

The veterinarian who drains my eye is in Camden.

I'm there every Friday. I'm gonna look you up.

[Spits]

Later that day, I realized there were probably a lot of other things...

Randy would enjoy doin'but didn't try because of me, like strawberry shortcake.

But fortunately, I wasn't the only one realizin'that.

Here's your strawberry shortcake.

I put the tartar sauce on the side because I feared you might regret that decision.

And maybe Randy had a thing or two to teach me.