Original subtitles

[Earl Narrating] With gas prices so high, I try not to drive too much.

But when Catalina is so late for work she's gonna have to change in the car...

it's hard to say no.

Can you drive a little faster? It's disabled discount day at work...

and the last girl there gets stuck with Jed.

He's paralyzed from the waist down, so you never know if you're doing a good job.

Sorry. The engine starts coughin' if I go over 40.

I think it has something to do with Randy spittin' his gum in the gas tank.

I told him bubbles wouldn't come out of the exhaust, but...

sometimes he has to not see things to believe 'em.

- Is that a hot tub? - [Earl Narrating] A used hot tub...

laying on the side of the road may not seem like somethin'to be excited about...

but there was someone on my list I owed one to.

Number 72- costJoy a hot tub.

Hey, baby. Wakey, wakey, hands on snakey?

No morning bang today. Got a job doin' some spokesmodeling...

down at the Camden Barbecue and Hot Tub Convention.

Barbe-Tub-a-Con is today?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, how 'bout a quick one before you go?

You know I can't resist you when your hair's all classy and up high like that.

I know. When I see myself lookin' this good, I get horny too.

But I don't wanna be late.

- Did I tell you they're payin' me with a free hot tub? - Seriously?

Yep. So just hold on to your stiffy...

and when I get back, we'll fill that thing up and do it fishy-style.

[Explosion]

Randy, come in here! We look like cartoons!

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] Catalina was nice enough to help me with a list item-

gettin'a hot tub forJoy.

All right. Let's try liftin' it again.

This time I'll try not to fart, and you make sure your top doesn't fall off.

- [Sighs] - Ready? Go!

- [Both Grunting] - Hey! Does anybody knock around here anymore?

Sorry. We didn't know somebody lived here.

It's an upside-down hot tub layin' on the side of the road.

Of course somebody's livin' in here.

[Earl Narrating] Homeless Joe drove a hard bargain.

He traded the hot tub to us for a bar of deodorant that he promptly ate.

It was the most exciting thing to come through the trailer park...

since Mr. Henson tried to teach his pet monkey to drive stick.

[Children Screaming, Chattering]

Sweet babyJesus.

Mm-mmm.

My whole body's relaxed.

Earl, for the first time ever, you have satisfied me in a way Darnell never could.

- Go, Earl. - Guess that means I can cross you off my list.

For sure. And the timin' is perfect.

I've been havin' to soak my ingrown toenail in an old Cool Whip container.

Which means Mr. Turtle gets his swimming pool back. He'll be thrilled.

He can't really stretch out in the Country Crock tub.

Darnell, get in here. There's a bubble jet in a place I know you're gonna like.

No, thanks. I boil animals to death all day long.

If I get in there, God may strike me down just for the irony of it.

My Uncle Thoroughgood, the fisherman, choked to death at a sushi restaurant.

Big man's got a sense of humor.

## [Women Vocalizing]

[Earl Narrating]Joy loved her hot tub so much, she swore she'd never leave it.

And, unlike most ofher promises, she had already kept this one for 24 hours.

- Baby, you sat in that thing all night. You ever comin' out? - ## [Continues]

- [Man] # Rock lobster# - I expect around noon I'm gonna need to buy another 40.

Unless you wanna try sendin' Dodge to the liquor store with a note again.

Well, you wanna put these on? Eugenia says the loud music is makin' her baby cry.

I already put my top back on. Now you want me to wear headphones?

Besides, I don't care what these neighbors think.

She's the dumb-ass that sold her Pontiac to pay for the in vitro!

Now she's livin' with the consequences!

You don't hear me complainin'about how loud that baby's dialysis machine is.

I mean, how many signs do you need that somethin' ain't meant to be?

I wish you could see your foot from up here.

The way the light is hittin'the water, it makes it look like you've got a giant toe.

No, I can see it from here. [Chuckles] That is funny.

Hey, watch this:

Big toe, regular-

[Both Screaming]

Well, looks like your toe's infected.

So, what, drink a little cranberry juice?

Mrs. Turner, you have a very contagious, flesh-eating staph infection.

- What? - Oh, God. I helped you squeeze your flip-flop on.

How the hell did I get that?

Darnell, if this is some kind of mad crab disease, I'm gonna kill you.

[Doctor] It's not shellfish related. I've only seen one case of this in Camden.

It was in a homeless man.

The closest I ever come to the homeless is buyin' those videos where they fight.

I mean, I like to be charitable, but I don't wanna just hand 'em the money.

Well, the patient was a gentleman named Joe...

and he lives out on Route 4 in an old hot tub.

Earl, you son of a bitch.

I'm sorry. I didn't know he was infected. He seemed like he was into hygiene.

He had a soup can full of toothbrushes.

But, to be fair, it was also full of soup.

Look what you did.

- [All] Oh! - Hell, yeah, "Oh."

Wow. Looks like one of them fancy hot dogs that plumps in the micro oven. [Sniffing]

You are payin' for my doctor bills, my pedicure bills and my pill bills.

And no generics either. I want top-shelf meds like the kind that celebrities O.D. On.

Listen, Joy. Whatever you need, l-I'll do. Maybe I can come over and-

No, no, no, no, no. You stay the hell away from me. All I wanna see is your money.

Someone spill milk on the floor?

[Clicks Tongue] Oh, man! Popped again.

[Earl Narrating] Darnell had spent time...

workin'with something he called "bio weaponry"...

so he knew to take infection seriously.

Can I come in now?

Okay. Ready.

What the hell is all this?

You keep to the foil. The boys, myself and Mr. Turtle will walk on the regular carpet.

Well, did you have to put it shiny-side up?

Now I gotta wear my underwear when the boys are home.

Man, what a day.

I've been lookin' forward to- to getting into bed and...

forgettin' about this stupid foot for the next 14 hours.

[Sighs]

What the hell?

It gets chilly in here. Plus, one of us has to stay alive for the kids.

[Exhales]

[Sports Announcer Chattering On TV]

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

You happy? Put a bag on it...

so now you don't have to worry about anybody else catching this.

Yeah, 'cause what germ could make it past a produce bag and electrical tape?

- You're uncomfortable even touchin' me, aren't you? - No.

No.

No. N- N-

You know what? I'm gonna go make us some iced tea.

[Pats Leg]

[Cookware Clattering Quietly]

[Clattering Continues]

What are you doin' in there?

- Are you boilin' your clothes? - I'm makin' iced tea.

Lord love a duck, Darnell.

I'm wearin' a bag. I'm walkin' on foil.

I'm glazed up in Purell like a damn Christmas ham.

What do I have to do to not feel like a filthy leper in my own house?

Bring me Earl Hickey!

Not too shabby. It's like you're livin' in a snow globe...

but in the summer 'cause... there's no snow.

Which is good because- [Imitates Shivering]

Darnell, since I'm kinda stuck here, would you kick Earl in the side of the knee for me?

Listen, Joy. I feel terrible-

- Ow! - Sorry, Earl.

I got to appease her. She'll break out of that thing like a tiny pink Hulk.

Anyway, I gotta go to work.

- Bye, baby. - Bye.

- I feel terrible. - Stuck in a bubble with a flesh-eating disease terrible...

or just a little case of the blues?

Well, the second one. But I'm ready to make it up to you.

- So if there's anything you can think of that you want- - Oh, I've been thinkin'.

You're not the only one that can make a list.

These are the things that I do all week but can't since I'm stuck in here.

You've deprived me of my freedom, and more important, you've deprived the world of me.

So, until I'm free, you gotta be me.

[Earl Narrating] I never thought ofJoy as someone who has a to-do list...

but it turns out she was a pretty busy lady.

At 3:00 every Tuesday, she'd go buy meat out of the trunk of some guy's car.

What part of the animal is this?

I don't even know what animal it's from.

- [Women Chattering] - [Earl Narrating] On Wednesdays...

she'd spend four hours at the salon just to catch up on the latest gossip.

[Dryer Whirring]

And I couldn't quite hear this part, but Fran said her babysitter...

is addicted to "hooch," "pooch" or "cooch."

[Laughs] That sitter's a crazy slut, so it could've been all three.

[Earl Narrating] And, always one to hold a grudge...

every Thursday she'd track down the local ice cream man.

Don't buy ice cream from this man. He's a cheat.

If you ask for a rocket pop...

he'll charge you for a double rocket pop and say it's an accident.

It's a scam.

She really does this every week?

[Earl Narrating] But it wasn'tjustJoy I learned things about.

Spendin'so much time with the Turners, I discovered stuff about the whole family...

like the fact that Darnell gets migraines.

Two boys, a demanding job, makin' 2.95 an hour-

These are the things that weigh heavily on the Crabman, Earl.

Earl, I'm done with my shower. Bring me some fresh clothes and new hair.

Go ahead.

If you don't, and she starts yellin', all your rubbing is for naught.

[Earl Narrating] And the most important thing I learned...

was that Dodge and Earl Junior were the ones with the biggest problem in the family.

Okay, tomorrow the boys get out of school early, so you need to hang out with 'em.

I usually take 'em to the arcade or somethin', since they don't have any friends.

No friends? Are you sure?

Yesterday, Dodge said him and his friend Roger...

played dress-up and made funny faces at each other.

"Roger" is what he named his wiener.

That's sad that the boys don't have any friends.

There's a man downstairs who's friends with lots of young boys.

We should introduce 'em.

I do wish there was somethin' I could do.

What'd you do that year in junior high when you couldn't make any friends?

Oh, Mom got me deodorant. And then I met Bill.

- Bill was imaginary. - But our friendship was real.

- And didn't Bill eventually move to Canada? - Ah, it wasn't his fault.

His dad got transferred.

Then his parents got divorced, and... Bill started drinkin'.

I had to pull myself out of that situation.

- [School Bell Rings] - [Earl Narrating] I went to pick up Dodge and Earl Junior...

prepared to do anything to help them get friends.

See you at the party. Everyone's gonna be there. See you at the party.

- What the hell? - See you at the party.

Wait in the car. And put this on.

Look. I don't know what's goin'on here...

but if this is just a B.O. Problem, I've got it covered.

- Excuse me? - Dodge and EarlJunior should be able to come to your party.

- Who are you? - I'm their mother's ex-husband.

Oh, her ex. [Chuckles] Well, then you know.

I'm Phyllis Woohoo. We've had some issues with Joy.

[Earl Narrating] Turns out the boys weren't the problem at all.

Mmm. Damn! This punch is better than sex.

What's in it, sherbet? I'm gonna need a cigarette after this.

- I need a cigarette. - Better than sex.

Damn!

- Over the years, she made quite a name for herself. - # Evil woman #

That's how you get popular. Once your boobies grow in, that's gonna look good.

- # Evil woman # - Just don't let that ass get any bigger.

[Earl Narrating] And while some parents wanted to giveJoy a chance to change, she didn't.

Hey, Mom. Check it out. She got these really cool water balloons that won't pop.

Oh, they'll pop. If they didn't, you wouldn't have those two playmates there.

They got into my nightstand. You should've seen 'em playin' with the lubricated ones.

Looked like they were wrestlin' a greased pig. [Chuckles]

- # Evil woman ## - Those boys are fine. It's Joy that's the problem.

Well, Joy won't be a problem right now.

She's stuck in a bubble 'cause she has a contagious infection.

About time she got a real disease.

She comes down with cancer every time we need parents for a field trip.

The first couple of times, we raised money for her.

Makes you feel any better, I think she bought cigarettes with that money.

Listen. As-As long as Joy's out of the picture, here's directions for Dennis's party.

Well, this sounds fantastic. And I'll still put the deodorant on 'em just in case.

Uh, you're not gonna tellJoy what I said about her, are you?

You see this? She pierced it with a kebab after I complained the steak was too dry.

I wore a hoop for a while, but it made me a little too cocky.

Anyway, I've learned to keep my mouth shut.

I got your shoes fixed. The repair guy said to tell you to quit kickin' so many things.

Yes! MyJessica Simpsons.

You see what you're missin'? You would look so good in these.

That's right, foot. You think about that the next time you wanna get infected.

- Where are the boys? - At the park for Dennis's birthday party.

- Dennis who? Dennis Woohoo? - Yeah.

I think we were wrong about how unpopular the boys are. They've got friends.

Earl, I know my kids. They never get invited to anything. This's gotta be a prank.

You know, you invite some loser to your party, then tie him up, throw dog poo on him?

I mean, that's hilarious, but not if it's my kids. Go get 'em.

Joy, it's not a prank. Kids like 'em.

EarlJunior has cool hair, and Dodge does wiener tricks. Just let 'em have fun.

They're not gonna have fun because kids don't like 'em! And if you won't go get 'em, I will.

Joy, trust me. Just leave it alone.

Trust the guy who used to leave Dodge at doggy day care so he could go drinkin'?

I don't think so. I'm goin' to get my boys.

Damn it, Joy. It's not the kids. It's you!

People just don't like you.

- Says who? - Phyllis Woohoo.

She says that you make the other moms uncomfortable.

You act trashy and wild. People don't wanna be around you.

Joy, don't beat yourself up over this. Some people-

[Earl Narrating] It was the worst-case scenario.

I'd unleashed a tiny pink Hulk to go infect the world.

I knew where she was goin', and I knew I had to stop her.

- Don't do it! - Oh, it's gonna be did!

[Yelps] Joy, what the hell are you doin'?

- Ah! Slow down! - # No right, no wrong Selling a song #

- You got a dangerous disease! Innocent people- - # A name #

- [Yells, Grunts] - # Whisper game #

#And if the real thing don't do the trick #

- # You better make up somethin'quick # - Joy!

- # You gonna burn, burn # - [Earl Narrating] Joy couldn't wait to get to Phyllis Woohoo.

- She had a lot ofbig plans in store for her. - # Burn, burn it to the wick #

- # Ooh, barracuda # - [Crowd Gasps]

#Oh, yeah ##

What's up, P.T.A. Hos?

Looks like I saved you the trouble of unwrappin'these.

You're welcome. [Chortling]

- [Laughing] - Who wants a piece of me? You? You?

You, Woohoo? Huh?

Who else? Hah!

[Shouting]

Hah! [Cackling]

[Laughing]

- [Chuckles] - Come on! Lick it!

- Lick the toe! - Joy! [Muffled Scream]

Oh, come on, Phyllis. Don't cry.

I know this ain't the worst thing you ever had in your mouth. [Cackles]

[Earl Narrating] Joy had horrible thoughts in her head.

And those same thoughts were goin'through mine.

Don't do it! Don't do it!

- Don't do what? - Uh, don't, uh...

forget to make a wish.

[Boy] I wish I was a girl!

[Children Cheer]

## [Slow Folk Rock On Radio]

You run like a fairy.

Okay.

## [Continues]

I'm not afraid of those stuck-up bitches. I'll go down there and make a scene up in their faces.

I don't care what they think of me.

I know, Joy.

It's not fair that they're gonna let some opinions they may have about me victimize my children.

- It's just not fair. - Nope. It's not.

You know, there's a lot of times...

when my big personality is good for my children.

Like when we were late to the movie.

I scared the projectionist into replayin' the first 20 minutes of Ratatouille.

- They loved that. - # Tonight as I stand inside the rain #

#Everybody knows #

#That baby's got new clothes #

- # But lately I see # - You think I'm a bad mom?

#Her ribbons and her bows #

If you were a bad mom, you wouldn't be sittin' in this car...

lettin' the boys enjoy a party with their friends.

#Ah, you fake just like a woman #

- # Yes, you do, And you make love # - Thanks.

#Just like a woman Yes, you do #

#Then you ache just like a woman #

#But you break just like a little girl ##

[Joy] You may wanna... wipe off the gas pedal.

I was toein' it pretty good.

[Randy Laughing]

- What's so funny? - Nothin'.

Just somethin' Bill said the other day.

- Your imaginary friend Bill? - Yeah.

You were spendin' so much time with Joy 'cause her toe got sick that I reconnected with him.

He's workin' at a gas station, and he's about to get married.

- Good for him. - I hope.

plus I'm pretty sure he's drinkin' again.

You know, Randy, since Bill's imaginary, you could imagine him sober if you wanted.

If only it were that easy, Earl.

It's not enough for me to want it. Bill's gotta want to be sober for himself.

Good night, Randy.

Good night, Earl.