Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] Recently Randy had become curious about hair dryers...

so we borrowed one from Joy.

I really like the look, Earl, but come on...

- who has 30 minutes every morning to spend on their hair? - ## [Toy Xylophone]

You keep practicing, little buddy.

I gave up the xylophone and always regretted it.

Lucky kid. Still got a shot at bein' somebody.

- What's going on, Joy? - It's the grand reopening of Mystery Fun Land.

These "Make-A-Wish" T-shirts will keep us from having to wait in long lines.

- I'm dying. - I'm dying too.

I'm not goin'to the funeral, Earl. Tiny coffins creep me out.

And you still owe me 45 cents from when I used to live here. We need to settle up, pronto.

They're not sick, Randy. Joy's just taking advantage of Make-A-Wish.

Hey, the kid two trailers down got to go to Space Camp...

once his sickle cell finally kicked in.

Why should my kids suffer just 'cause they're healthy?

[Earl Narrating] I couldn't be toojudgmental.

Few years back, I did a bad thing to the Make-A-Wish people myself.

It was late New Year's Eve, and Randy drove home without me...

on account of me accidentally giving him a midnight kiss-

which we still don't talk about.

Walking wasn't working well, but I found another means of transportation.

Whoa, that's a giant dog!

You're goin' the wrong way!

[Whinnies]

Next morning, I felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse...

which actually might've happened.

Make-A-Wish child Buddy Zaks lost his wish today...

when the pony he was to ride in the New Year's Day parade was tragically stolen.

So well-wishers tried bravely to salvage little Buddy's dream.

This sucks.

This was Buddy's last chance to ride in the parade...

because while not all Make-A-Wish kids are dying, this one is.

Now here's Chick Dabney with the weather.

[Earl Narrating] It was almost 10 years since Buddy died...

so there wasn't much I'd be able to do for him.

- But I figured I'd try to do something for his parents. - [Knocking]

This is so cool.

I wonder if getting tattoos hurts trees as much as it does humans.

Hello, uh, Mrs. Zaks?

- Yes? - A few years ago...

I stole your son's Make-A-Wish pony, and I'm here to make it up to him.

I mean, not to him, 'cause he's, you know- an angel.

What's up, bro? You stole my pony?

Buddy? L-I thought you were dead. I saw you on the news.

I know what happened.

He made a wish to still be alive. Why don't they all do that?

[Earl Narrating] After I told him about my list, Buddy invited us in...

and he explained how he had defied all the doctors'expectations about him dying.

It may surprise you, but Camden doesn't have the best doctors.

I mean, I've had three watches dropped in my body during surgery...

and one of'em's still in there.

- So I take it you're a movie buff? - Hell, yeah.

You spend 95% of your teen years in bed, you're gonna watch some flicks.

- What's your favorite movie? - Oh, without a doubt, 2 The Max.

It's all action with Max Patrick:

C.I.A. Agent, Navy SEAL, gigolo and devoted family man.

Watch as Max stops a terrorist from using a giant robot squid to kill the president!

Me and Randy love squid movies. How'd we miss it?

'Cause we walked out of that thing.

No, no, no, you didn't miss it, because it hasn't been made yet. It's all up here.

Uh, and in here. And some of it's over here.

- [Roars] - Stop it!

- Do it again. - [Roars]

Stop it! Do it again.

- [Shouts] - Wait, wait, wait. Let me lick it.

Oh. I like your brother.

He likes you too.

Wait a minute. I like him, he likes me...

we all like squids and you owe me.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna make this movie, and it is gonna be awesome!

- [Roars] - Stop it!

- Do it again. - [Roars]

- H-H-H-Hold on. Y-You're saying we're gonna make a movie? - Yeah, don't worry.

I got plenty of books on how to do it.

And if you wanna cross me off your list, you'll help me, man.

- You could be the producer. - Producer?

- Yeah. - Look at me, Randy. I'm a producer.

I know. I saw.

Besides sounding cool, what exactly does that mean?

Oh, being a producer is awesome, man.

I mean, you get to pay for everything and hire everybody...

and you get to make sure that everything happens exactly like it looks up here.

Yeah, yeah, we-we could absolutely make your movie. Or-

- [Nickers] - Nah, I want the movie.

[Earl Narrating] Buddy wanted each person he cast to fit his artistic vision.

For Max's wife, he wanted someone who was hot but edgy.

Theresa! Get your fat ass out here and bring your noisy little brat inside!

- [Clatters] - And he seems to have misplaced his xylophone!

- What are you lookin' at? - You're perfect.

- I know. - # They call me the seeker#

[Earl Narrating] And who was I tojudge his artistic vision?

#I've been searching low and high #

Oh, God. Soda water, please. It's setting. It's setting!

Does anyone have a Tide stick? This is my best irregular Tommy Bahama!

- There's our panicky scientist. - # I've been searching low and high #

[Catalina] That's right, cucaracha.

Drink the poison and bring it back to your filthy home to feed to your babies.

- [Aerosol Spraying] - Ruthless terrorist.

- Nice! - Check out this great suit I found behind the motel.

I had to kick a litter of fresh cat babies off it, but I left 'em my T-shirt.

That's a sweet suit.

- We have our president. - And here's my Secretary of Cute.

[Mews]

[Earl Narrating] Once we had our cast, we started shootin'our movie.

Okay, so, uh, this is the scene where the president first hears about the giant squid.

Everybody know what to do?

All right. Lightning in a bottle, people!

And... action!

Mr. President, as per your request, we are unfreezing Benedict Arnold...

so you can punch him in the stomach.

While he thaws, the vice president has an announcement.

[Deep Voice] Mr. President, this fax just came in.

New York City is under attack by a giant squid.

TheJoint Chief of Staff has declared a state of emergency.

He is requesting permission to go to Death-Con Six.

I didn't take this job to let our free land be swallowed by some squid.

- Get me Max Patrick. - [Mouthing Words]

And then you hear a big thud from outside and react.

[Both Screaming]

What in the tarnation was that?

And then we cut to a shot of the squid outside. Randy, you say-

- I said get me Max Patrick, now! - And then I enter.

Did somebody say my name?

[Together] Ad-lib excitement!

No. Cut! Cut!

You don't say "Ad-lib excitement," you-you just act excited, like-

We have a major problem here. Earl.

Listen up- Thanks. Thank you.

Um, listen. Other than Randy, who is awesome, um, everybody else stinks.

These other actors- Uh, Patty sounds like a transvestite...

and-and Joy, she just keeps looking right in the camera.

So you gotta fix this. I'll be in my trailer!

Uh, don't worry. I'll-I'll figure it out.

Look, uh, Buddy isn't happy with some of the performances.

And-And, Joy, you gotta stop looking at the camera.

If I don't look at the camera, how will the audience know I'm talking?

He says Randy's the only one who gets it.

Acting's easy. You just pretend to be different people and then talk like that.

Joy should say, "Mr. President, per your request...

we're unfreezing Benedict Arnold so you can punch him in the stomach."

And then Patty goes, "Mr. President, this fax just arrived.

New York City is under attack by a giant squid."

See? You can do anybody.

Are you talkin' to me? Nobody else is here, so you must be talkin' to me.

E.T. Phone home.

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us!

I want a hard-target search of every farmhouse, doghouse...

henhouse, inhouse and outhouse.

Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble.

I'm not an animal. I'm a human being.

It puts the lotion on its skin. It does as it's told.

Put the lotion in the basket!

Choosy moms chooseJiff.

[Earl Narrating] Randy showing off just made people more upset.

And it wasn'tjust the performances that caused problems.

I eat terrorists for lunch with my caviar. I'm Max Patrick.

I am afraid of no one.

It's time for me to declare a "yi-had."

Cut! Did we get it?

- I need to take a five. - Oh.

[Earl Narrating] Another thing I learned about movies is special effects can be tricky.

So everybody remember the last thing that's gonna happen in the scene...

is that my flame-thrower watch goes off.

Is Safety ready? And... action!

Mr. President, this event-

- Whoa! - [Screaming]

The president's on fire! The president's on fire!

Keep filming! Keep filming!

- [Kenny Squeals] - [Man] You all right?

[Earl Narrating] But the hardest part of all was dealing with Buddy's perfectionalism.

Cut! Earl, I need real limousines for the motorcade.

The president needs a kick-ass limo! It has got to be... awesome!

I'll be in my trailer!

Whoa! M-Maybe you didn't see that this is a '98 Civic, and it's got a spoiler.

[Earl Narrating] What with the screaming and people catching on fire and all...

by the end of the week, morale was pretty low.

Okay, so the president and Max's wife...

are trapped by squids on, uh, the roof of the White House.

And it's, like, "Woo," and they're all "Aah!"

And then Max Patrick appears out of nowhere, he saves the president...

and blows up the squid with his laser watch.

Psshh! Boom! It's gonna be awesome.

- Any questions? - How's this not gonna look like crap?

Look, guys, you gotta trust me.

It's all gonna be done with special effects and-and camera tricks.

But-But we only got one shot at this while the-the sun is rocking that awesome gold color.

In the business, we call that "the magic hour."

Yeah, well, my magic hour is when this thing is done...

and we're all drinkin' at the Crab Shack.

- Huh? Huh? - [All Laughing]

Let's go!

[Buddy] All right. Earl, call it.

And... action!

Max, wherever you are, please save us!

Sorry I was late. D.C. Traffic is a bitch.

[Grunting, Shouting]

The fate of the free world is in your strong, handsome hands.

- Now! Helicopter! - [Shouts]

Mr. President, I've gotta get you both out of here. Come with me.

- We have to go! - I'm not going without you!

Don't you realize what these suction cup bastards will do to you?

Okay, I'll go. But not without a kiss first.

- Can I do it on the hand? - Lips.

Cheek.

[Whimpering]

Let me check my watch and see what time it is. Oh, it's time for fish stew.

Explosion!

[Screaming]

[Thuds]

Awesome take, everybody! [Laughs]

- Let's do a couple more! - Oh, hell, no. I quit.

I only do tongue kisses if it's Brad Pitt or Eric Roberts.

And what the heck is that smoke? My eyes hurt and I have an unproductive cough.

Oh, don't worry. I got it from a crop duster. It's even safe for plants.

Oh, God! Now my nose is bleeding! I quit!

Come on, people. Don't quit.

Kenny, I'll get you a Wet-Nap. You people love those.

Earl, magic hour.

Sorry, Earl, but I quit too.

So will William, if he ever wakes up again.

[Sighs]

[Earl Narrating] Everybody else quit, but to cross Buddy off the list...

- I still had to produce. - What-What's going on?

Crew call's at 10:00. It's 10:02.

Well, what do you mean, what's goin' on? You were there. Everybody quit.

So what? In Hollywood, people say they quit all the time. Nobody actually does it.

I'm sorry, but this is Camden. People quit everything here.

That's why the freeway ends in a field.

But look, I can play the president.

And-And I got a blonde wig to play your wife.

We just tape down the button on the camera...

and I can hold the boom mike down low out of frame, or-or hide it on my head under a hat.

- We can do this. - Yeah, but it'll suck donkey.

You know what? It's fine. It's fine.

Things happen in this business. Production gets cut short.

You gotta roll with the punches. And I already got all my dream shots.

Better to make a short, awesome movie than a long, mediocre one.

So is that it? You don't need me anymore?

One more thing.

Give me two weeks to edit the footage, and then throw me a movie premiere.

But e-everybody quit. Who's even gonna show up?

Earl...

[Whispering] If you throw it, they will come.

[Whispering] What?

[Whispering] If you throw it, they will come.

Have you ever even seen a movie without Burt Reynolds in it?

Not all the way through, no.

[Earl Narrating] Couple weeks later, 2 The Max was set to premiere.

It was the first film shot in Camden since the documentary about the chemical spill...

so we got a good crowd.

As if turning down the part of Indiana Jones...

to play a bank teller on Laverne & Shirley wasn't bad enough...

I also made the mistake of not nailing Penny Marshall when I had the chance.

[Chuckles] So what part do you play in this movie?

What movie?

[Earl Narrating] And despite the bad taste everyone had in their mouths from the filming...

they came out to enjoy the glamour of a Camden movie premiere.

Here come two of the film's stars, Joy and Darnell "The Crabman" Turner.

So, Joy, tell the viewers whose clothes you're wearing.

What are you talking about? These are mine, bitch.

- I meant which designer. - Oh. I got it at Rite-Aid.

Supposed to be worn the other way, but seriously, what would you rather see-

shoulder blades or cleavage?

Sometimes I think clothing designers are gay men.

[Crowd Applauding, Whistling]

I did all my own stunts. I even caught on fire. That wasn't in the script.

Turns out I've been doin' my own stunts my whole life.

I've just been calling 'em accidents until now.

In my younger days, I did some commercial acting.

See if this rings a bell- "Pretty sneaky, Sis." [Chuckles]

I didn't say that, but I was the sneaky sis.

[Earl Narrating] I finally got everybody seated, then realized not everybody was seated.

[Earl Narrating] I finally got everybody seated, then realized not everybody was seated.

The man of the hour still hadn't shown up.

Hey, Mrs. Zaks, where's Buddy?

The projectionist has to get the equipment back tonight before the janitor locks up the school.

Earl, Buddy's not coming tonight.

[Earl Narrating] Buddy's mom had some really bad news.

There was a reason Buddy kept storming off to his trailer all the time.

He wasn'tjust a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe.

He was a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe who needed hourly treatments.

I put a Fonzie sticker on the I.V. Bag today.

I thought it would make it more fun. Heyyy!

[Earl Narrating] Turns out, the doctors were right about Buddy's health.

They werejust about 10 years off on the expiration date.

I can't believe he's gone.

His one dream was to make a movie, and he didn't even get to see the premiere.

Earl, making the movie wasn't his only dream.

Buddy had tons of crazy dreams, and you helped him with all of them.

You'll understand when you see this.

[Earl Narrating] I decided not to tell anyone about what happened to Buddy...

until after the premiere.

I kinda figured he wouldn't want people feeling sorry for him.

He'd rather theyjust enjoy the movie.

## [Suspenseful Theme]

[Train Horn Blows]

[Horns Honking]

- [Growling] - [People Screaming]

I didn't take this job to let our free land be swallowed by some squid.

Get me Max Patrick.

- [Thud] - [Both Screaming]

What in the tarnation was that?

[Growling]

I said get me Max Patrick, now!

Did somebody say my name?

[Earl Narrating] And everyone did enjoy it, including me and his mom.

Watching Buddy's film, I realized what his mom was talking about.

Making that movie let him live out every crazy dream a boy could have.

He got to meet a president.

He got to be a spy in the C.I.A.

He got to save someone's life.

[Screaming] The president's on fire!

And thanks to special effects...

Buddy finally got to ride a horse in the 1999 New Year's Day parade.

And the best part was, Buddy somehow pulled off his magic-hour shot.

Sorry I'm late. D.C. Traffic is a bitch.

[Grunting, Shouting]

Stand back, honey! [Shouting]

[Randy] The fate of the free world is in your strong, handsome hands.

Here comes the chopper. Mr. President, I've gotta get you both out ofhere.

Let mejust check my watch and see what time it is. Oh! It's time for fish stew.

[Screeches]

Lasers are awesome. But not as awesome as your lips, baby.

Why not put 'em to the Max.

Rocket shoes, engage.

Hey, baby, you ever been to Paris?

[Earl Narrating] Buddy knew his own sun was setting.

It's why he was so particular about the movie.

And even though we didn't finish, he got all his dream shots.

And everybody in the audience could see he'd really made something special.

#Fly me away to the bright side of the moon #

[Earl Narrating] After that, you couldn't help but think of your life as a movie...

knowing eventually your own sun was gonna set...

making every hour into a magic hour.

Buddy made us all realize we shouldn't waste our shots screwing around.

We should do the things we always wanted to do while we had the chance.

Darnell tried his hand at creating great art.

Catalina used one ofher shifts at Club Chubby to try something she always dreamed of doing.

Instead of stripping, I will be doing improv.

- I need a location and a kind of food. - # Dream weaver#

[Earl Narrating] Joy started her own clothing line.

- [Joy] I did it! I did it! - Wow, you made that shirt?

No, I stole the shirt. I designed a way to make the security tag look like jewelry.

[Earl Narrating] And Randy decided to explore things he was curious about.

- And I took up the xylophone again. - ## [Ends]

I wasn't very good, but that didn't mean I wasn't gonna give it my best...

and try to make it... awesome.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] When Dad called to say that we needed to come by...

and pick up all our old stuff, I didn't realize we were gonna have to buy it back.

Your father said you could have everything for $64.73.

I tried to talk him down, but he seemed pretty firm.

Hey, look, it's Milo. Remember him?

Mom and Dad got him for me 'cause he always tells the truth.

[High-pitched Voice] Hi, Earl. Remember that time you got real drunk and pooped in bed?

[Normal Voice] That is true. Embarrassing but true.

Yeah, I never really liked Milo.

[Gasps] Darnell, check it out. It's one of them I.Q. Machines.

Try to get the ball in the farthest hole, and if you do, you're a genius.

Used to play this at the mall when we would skip school.

I was the only one who could get "genius" every time.

They called me "the ball genius."

In the seventh grade, that name took on a new meaning, but this is where it all started.

- Hey, how much for this? - Three dollars and 25 cents.

What? Might I remind you...

that I am the mother of what you thought for a brief second was your grandson?

Four dollars.

- What are you doing? - I'm not stealing it.

Just gonna hold onto it so nobody buys this thing.

Couple hours, they'll be begging us to take it off their hands.

Ball genius.

See, this is why I don't go to yard sales with you.

Hey, Earl, I'm trying to decide between buying the lawn darts or our old baby teeth.

The lawn darts are more fun, but our baby teeth are more practical.

[Earl Narrating] Seeing those lawn darts was karma's way of telling me...

it was time to do number 87 on my list-

chased away Mom and Dad's friends.

Back in the '80s...

our next-door neighbors, Cathy and Clark Clark, were my parents'best friends.

Hey, have you guys seen this new "We Are the World"short film...

on that Music Television Video channel?

Shh!

I think spiders heat up faster than ants.

I'm good at this, Randy. Maybe I will be a scientist.

That'd be awesome, Earl. [High-pitched Voice] Randy forgot to wipe earlier.

I mean, all those poor starving children.

And-And all those musicians, with their different musical styles-

Bob Dylan, Dan Aykroyd- and they're all coming together...

and they're all harmonizing for- for humanity.

I just- [Sobbing]

- What a tool. - [Doorbell Rings]

[Earl Narrating] Seeing a grown man shed actual tears was hilarious.

And once we saw it, we had to see more.

#Everybody knows where you go when the sun goes down #

- # I think you only live to see the lights of town # - Poor birdies. [Sobbing]

Dead birds were so much fun...

we took it up a notch and found a place at the mall that made fake newspapers.

#You're gonna cry, cry, cry #

Why are babies killing themselves?

[Both Laughing]

But eventually we pushed him too far.

#You're gone again #

#Every question that I ask I get a lie, lie, lie #

[Earl Narrating] Later that afternoon, Clark realized hejust couldn't take it anymore.

#Gonna cry, cry, cry ##

All I know is, is he was real upset about something.

He was so emotional, I couldn't understand what he was talking about.

It just doesn't make any sense.

People don'tjust move in one day.

Something's going on here.

Earl and Randy tortured Mr. Clark and made him cry.

Come on, Randy. We need to go find the Clarks.

Randy touches himself sometimes. [Normal Voice] Shh. Easy, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. You don't want that.

It's all jacked up, and it ain't got no marble on it.

Not a problem.

That's a straight-up street baller move right there, Willie.

You're like the Karl Malone of mailmen.

How much, Carl?

- Three dollars and 25 cents. - Uh-uh, no. That's mine.

I had my eye on it way before you had your eye on it.

- I'll go four. - Four and a quarter.

- $4.68. - Five!

- Darnell, how much money you got on you? - Forty-five.

But we gotta stop and get Dodge's asthma medicine, so more like-

- Forty-five! - Sold.

Oh, hell to the no.

This was on there when we were bidding on it.

You wanted your fake peeper back, you shouldn't have driven up the price so high.

- Every day's a new adventure. - [Sighs]

[Earl Narrating] Wasn't that hard to find Mr. Clark.

He was the only Clark Clark in the phone book, and they only moved one town over.

Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but you weren't the reason we moved.

- We weren't? - No. We moved because, uh, well-

I really- I can't say why we moved.

But- But you know what?

I have lived with this for too long, and maybe it's time that I got it off my chest.

We moved because your mother and I had an affair.

Mom!

Hey, boys. You want some cookies? I got hot snickerdoodles.

You know what I want more than cookies, Mom?

I want to know why you had sex with Mr. Clark.

I'd prefer the snickerdoodles.

- Who told you about me and Clark Clark? - Clark Clark.

Clark Clark. Damn you, Clark Clark.

[Earl Narrating] Apparently Dad was always working...

and Clark's wife was always at self-defense class.

So they kept each other company, butjust as friends...

until the A&Phad a sale on wine coolers.

- [Slurred] Do you have any queens? - # Smell like a sound #

- [Slurred] You are the only queen that I can see. - # I'm lost in a crowd #

- Ohh. - # And I'm hungry like the wolf#

- Go fish. - # Straddle the line in discord and rhyme #

- Do you have any twos? - # I'm on the hunt I'm after you #

I've got two lonely lips and two supple breasts.

Why don't you come on over here and fish around for 'em?

#And I'm hungry like the wolf##

[Earl Narrating] The next day, Mom was ashamed ofherself and broke things off.

Kay, no. Please. You are the most generous lover I have ever known.

- Oh. - Cathy just rolls over...

and goes to sleep after she gets her tinglies.

What we did was wrong, Clark. It was a-a moment of weakness. It was a mistake.

Your husband is the one making the mistake.

He doesn't take care of you like I would.

Look! He doesn't even have your storm windows up yet!

- [Door Opens, Closes] - Your father's home.

Anyone want to tell me why the Clarks are moving?

I tried to talk to him, but all he'd do is tell me I need to put up storm windows.

Is there a hurricane coming?

Uh, all I know is he was real upset about something.

L- He was so emotional, I couldn't understand what he was saying.

Don't make any sense. People don't just move in one day.

- You need to tell Dad. - Your father is no angel, you know.

I once found a Hooters receipt in his jean jacket pocket.

Look, no one knows what it's like to be cheated on more than I do.

- Dad deserves to know. - Dad deserves to know what?

Oh, Carl. Wait until you hear this. Apparently your wife-

The hell is going on? What was the puppet talking about?

Mom?

Carl, do you remember 1985?

My wife's a whore! All neighbors are welcome! Line forms at the garage!

[Earl Narrating] When you're little and your parents split up, they decide who gets you.

When you're adults and they split up, you decide who gets them. I got Dad.

Women. You're with 'em for 40 years.

You learn the special way to fold the towels.

You go see Neil Sedaka at the civic center.

You even put up one of those piece-of-crap Thomas Kinkade paintings in the bedroom.

- And for what? - I hear ya. You steal for 'em, fight for 'em...

they still hand you a different colored baby from a different colored father.

- Bitches. - Bitches!

And Clark Clark. Who the hell does he think he is?

Sticking it to my mother. Your wife.

He's lucky you don't kick his ass.

Oh, he's lucky all right. But his luck just ran out.

I'm gonna make him wish he went across the street and banged Mrs. Henderson.

- Let's do this! - [Door Opens]

I know this isn't a time to brag, but I did bang Mrs. Henderson.

[Tires Squealing]

Why'd you stop?

Keep doing what you were doing in the car.

Sorry. # It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight #

# Risin' up to the challenge of our rival #

#And the last known survivor #

- # Stalks his prey in the night ## - [Door Opens]

- Carl! - Hi, Cathy. Is Clark here?

Yeah, he's doing a puzzle in the sunroom. How are you?

- Great. Can you just get Clark, please? - Sure.

- [Fingers Snap] - # Rising up, Back on the streets #

# Did my time Took my chances #

#Went the distance Now I'm back on my-## Here he comes.

Carl, listen, I'm- Ooh!

[Laughs] Ooh!

What the hell is wrong with you? He's half your size!

Ohh! Ohh!

# It's the eye of the tiger It's the thrill of the fight #

# Risin' up to the challenge of our rival #

[Man Singing] # And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night #

- # And he's watchin'us all in the eye # - You!

#Of the tiger#

- [Screams] - # The eye of the tiger##

- Ohh! - [Body Thuds]

[Dog Barks In Distance]

My nose stopped bleeding, but I think ruined my sock.

At least you got to punch Clark Clark.

You got your revenge.

Man, I'm jealous. That's gotta feel pretty good, huh?

Actually, no. I don't feel any different at all.

And you know why? 'Cause I'm not really mad at Clark Clark.

I'm mad at your mother. That's who I should be getting revenge on.

Dad, don't-don't fight Mom. You already got your ass kicked by one woman today.

I'm not fighting your mother.

I want to feel better, I need real revenge. An eye for an eye.

I need to get laid.

Damn it. Swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was a kid.

Stop eyeballing me, Willie. If you want this back, fork over the cash.

Last night, she took a shower and she left it on the sink.

I tried to grab it for you, but it was staring at me and I got a little freaked out.

If she puts it down again, it's looking the other way, I'll give it another shot.

I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there.

He was never home. And when he was...

well, let-let's just say that your father does not know his way around a woman's body.

He's got two moves: Squeeze the Charmin...

and poke around down there like he's trying to pop a balloon.

Yeah, that guy sure is terrible at touching moms.

Hey, I know what might make us feel better. Not talking about this stuff.

I mean, what do I have to do, draw him a map of my vagina?

- Oops. I'll go get us more drinks. - Okay.

I'm gonna tinkle.

Randy, you look stressed. What's the matter, punkin'?

There words on the menu you're stuck on?

If I tell you, you promise not to say anything?

Well, well, well.

Fee-fi-fum-fo...

I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.

- Oh, God. - Who's the cheating piece-of-trash strumpet...

who doesn't deserve to have the same last name as you now?

That's right. I read your Christmas letters.

- Leave me alone! - I'm just sayin' we might've gotten along...

if we'd have known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.

- I am nothing like you! - Ow!

Damn it! You got me with your heel.

Maybe I had one moment of weakness.

But you-You made cheating a lifestyle.

I love my husband! He does the best he can.

Great. Darnell, get me a rag!

Somebody kicked me in the face in the bathroom again!

- [Chattering] - [Chuckles] There she is.

If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options, she is mistaken.

Once again, Dad, l-I gotta say, I'm a little conflicted about this.

Next.

- Hello, Brenda. - Carl. I like your shirt.

Well, according to you on numerous occasions, this color brings out the blue in my eyes.

- Makes 'em sparkle. - [Both Chuckling]

What can I do for you today?

Today. Today, I'd like to open a separate account.

One that would be separate from my wife.

Perhaps one that I could use to pay for dinner for two at Casa de Maison...

with somebody that likes blue eyes.

- Next. - Oh, you-you can go.

I'm just watching my dad try to get laid.

Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message...

but I was just trying to be nice.

It's just customer service.

With a face like that, who needs hair? [Chuckling]

So, just to be clear, uh, you're, uh...

not interested in having sexual relations with me?

No.

I'd like to close my account, please.

[Earl Narrating] Our first stop was a disaster.

But Dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.

- Next. - Hello, Diana.

- There's my Carl. - [Chuckles]

I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure.

And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.

Ohh!

It's gonna go again. Take off my other sock.

[Earl Narrating] Dad said there was one other woman in town who flirted with him-

the waitress at the diner.

So we headed over to give him one more chance.

You stay here.

I think those other women would've been game if I hadn't had my son with me.

- I think you creeped 'em out a little. - [Sighs]

[Earl Narrating] I wanted Dad to feel better, but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl.

I was also hoping he didn't get hit again...

'cause he was out of socks, and I'd been wearing mine for a week.

[Chuckles]

She's coming out as soon as she freshens up.

I told you this was a slam dunk. I'm running across the street for condoms.

D-D-Da-Dad! Dad, wait. We-We really should talk about this.

L-I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening.

- Patty? - Hey, Earl.

When did you start workin' here?

A couple of months ago. I had to pick up a second job.

My hooking took a bit of hit when Bush monkeyed with the Daylight Saving schedule.

I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady...

who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.

I thought you needed the largest kind we had.

Just ring it up, pecker-tease.

Listen, I just don't know that sex with a hooker is what my dad's lookin' for.

Not-Not that you're not great. I've heard wonderful things.

Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work.

It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.

Hello. I see you met my son.

I just had to run across the street for a few personal items.

And a little something for you.

Thank you.

Oh, they have nuts in them. Oh, that's sweet, but some of my clients have allergies...

so I need to keep this a peanut-free zone.

Dad, Patty's a hooker.

No, no, no, no, she's not. She's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.

Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.

Damn it! This was not how this was supposed to work.

It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!

If you change your mind, sometimes I have coupons in the PennySaver.

- It says "massage," but- - I'm not changing my mind!

All right, so the chicks didn't work out. Forget the chicks.

I say we go back to Clark Clark's, but this time we bring a bat.

We do it when his wife's at work.

[Sobs] Why'd she do this to me?

Why'd she make me feel this way? [Sobbing]

[Earl Narrating] There were two things I could've sworn I'd never see with my own eyes:

A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying.

- [Body Thudding] - I was taught from a young age that Hickey men don't cry.

Don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about.

And no matter what happened...

he always made sure I never saw him shed a tear.

- [Sawing] - Ooh, damn it!

Earl, go get me my reading glasses. I have to look for my fingertip.

Whatever life dished out, he always remained strong.

Well, my mom's dead. Pass the corn.

- [Sobbing] - A funny thing happens...

when the man you look up to your whole life breaks his own rules and cries.

- It finally gives you permission to. - # I was all right #

- # For a while # - Everything with Joy happened so long ago...

- # I could smile for a while # - but all this stuff with Mom makes it hurt again.

- That's what I'm afraid of. - # But I saw you last night #

- It's never gonna go away. - # You held my hand so tight #

- So we cried. Together. - # As you stopped to say hello #

- # You wished me well # - We even tried talking about how we felt...

which was hard for my dad and the son he raised to ignore his feelings.

- # That I'd been crying # - It's like someone took out my stomach and-

- I don't even know what. - # Over you #

- Stomped on it. That's what it feels like. - # Crying #

- Yeah, but not with a sneaker. With something worse. - # Over you #

- # Crying # - Like a golf shoe.

- ## [Continues] - I don't know golf shoes. Are they heavy?

No, but they got spikes on the bottoms.

Oh, then yeah. Yeah, that's what it feels like.

- A golf shoe. - Right.

[Earl Narrating] And the more honest we were about how we felt...

- the more honest we became about everything. - # Crying #

- # Crying # - If I just wouldn't have spent so much time at work.

- # Crying # - No. Do not blame yourself.

- I will not stand here and let you blame yourself. - # I'm crying #

I'm not saying what they did wasn't wrong.

- But I will say they're not the only ones to blame. - # Crying #

Okay, now you're bringing some stuff up I'm not sure I'm ready to hear.

[Earl Narrating] After a whole night of crying and more hugging than I'd like to admit...

we discovered something unexpected.

[Sighs] I think I feel better.

- Me too. - ## [Ends]

#Upon my word what does it mean #

#Is it love or is it me #

[Earl Narrating] Anger's a heavy burden to carry...

but Dad realized that revenge didn't make it any lighter- forgiveness did.

#Looking out #

#To feeling free #

And forgiveness lightened the burden of guilt too.

#I sit here lying in my bed #

#Wondering what it was I said #

#That made me think I lost my head #

#When I knew I lost #

[Earl Narrating] And if it worked for Mom and Dad, maybe it could work for me too.

Joy, I forgive you for cheatin' on me.

Good. 'Cause I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Now move. You're standin' in my light.

Forgiveness was a peaceful feeling. I felt calm, more focused.

I can't say if my words madeJoy feel the same, but I like to think it might have.

I did it! I did it! Genius!

And maybe by forgiving her...

I showed her that there's room in your heart for things other than revenge.

That sometimes it's far better to give an eye than to take an eye.

- Thank you. - ## [Ends]