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So, Eastbourne. Hey, you crazy motherfuckers.

I used to go to school here,

this is the school uniform that we wore

when I was here.

And kind of funky it was, too.

Okay, so I'd better explain the tits.

Um...

Didn't have those at school, wanted to,

but not in the school curriculum,

even though I asked.

Didn't really, but...

'Cause would have got my head kicked in. Oh, yes, sir.

So, the breasts thing,

as a transvestite, it's my job, right?

Just wearing breasts. That's it.

There's nothing... Don't get hung up about it.

But you see. Initially, when I first came out,

I was with breasts,

mit breasts as the Germans say.

Avec breasts, con breasts...

Being a European, I know these languages

And, that's the first thing I say whenever I get

to France, Germany and Spain...

- Um,

Or South America even.

And then it didn't seem to work.

Not matter how much make-up or how high the heels,

people kept saying, "Yes, sir?

"Would you like tea with that, sir?"

"Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?"

"Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts.

"Anything else?"

"Just fuck off, will you?"

So I thought, "It's not working."

So I threw my beasts out of the window

of my Lamborghini...

In my mind.

No, I threw the breasts out of the window

of my Ford Fiesta...

In my mind.

Actually, I threw them over the handlebars of my bicycle.

And they hit a small child

who ran home, "Mom! Mom. Mom!

"I've been attacked by jellyfish.

"Jellyfish drive-by shooting.

"It's just like South Central LA."

"Huh?"

"Jellyfish attacked me!" "Where are the tentacles?"

"Uh. Probably burned up on re-entry.

"Probably from Mars, Mom.

"Can I keep them and shove them up my jumper?"

So I was sans breasts, ohne breasts

or whatever the other one is

and then I thought, "No, I have breast envy."

And Freud wrote about penis envy,

which I don't understand, actually.

Penis... I'm sort of penis neutral.

You know, like penis...

What's not envy and then... What's the opposite of envy?

- Um, what?

What?

What? Ambivalent? Yes, very good.

Envy? Penis ambivalence? Yes. Very nice.

- Well done, Eastbourne.

A bit more, bit more voice but good.

- What?

I'm Welsh! - You're Welsh?

Fantastic! That's great.

I'm European. I know that causes...

And so are you. We all...

Fighting...

♪ There'll always be a China

Now, so, Ambivalent and Welsh,

I don't know how they go together but very good heckle.

I have penis ambivalence.

Thank you.

Or is there one in the middle? Penis...

I have penis nonchalance, really.

I'm very nonchalant about my penis.

I try and make sure that I wear a pair of trousers occasionally

or a skirt or whatever,

and don't just wave it at the vicar.

It seems to throw him.

On... In... On his Lamborghini. In his Lamborghini...

Fucked that up. Right, um...

That's the trouble with ad-libbing,

you just add... You can fuck up. It's danger.

You've got an element of danger and nonchalance

or ambivalence,

or penis.

There's four sides to it.

It's one of those things you get at school...

Ambivalence.

Lamborghini.

I used to do those! I can't remember what...

Who you would kiss, basically.

I seem to remember.

And only certain people knew how to make them

and they were wizards.

And they...

They could command things.

"I tell you must die."

"Oh, fuck."

And it must be passed down, isn't it?

Like the ability to make paper airplanes.

That gets passed down.

I know how to make a really good one.

Where was I taught that? Probably taught that up the road at St. Bede's,

a very good model airplane.

I think it was there.

Might have been in Wales, 'cause I was in Wales, too.

I've been everywhere.

Oh, yes. Very well-travelled when I was a kid.

My dad said, "Go. Go where you want."

"I'm going to Wales, Dad."

I did.

I did, I cycled to Wales.

From here.

From Bexhill.

Okay.

I did and I got all the way there

and on the way back I got bored and took a train.

That's me, 'cause the crowds were smaller.

And what's the point?

That's too weird that joke, isn't it?

That's too nonchalant-slash-ambivalent

slash-penis-slash- ooh-painful.

- Erm.

I'm not... Don't laugh like that, please.

What the hell?

Sorry, the breast thing!

So then I thought, no breasts.

"I'll go back and get some breasts."

So I went to the breast shop,

you know, which is in your local high street,

"Pair of your finest breasts, sir"

It was just like that scene in Harry Potter,

with John Hurt.

"Ah. Why not a pair of these?"

"Yeah."

"I think not those breasts, Mr. John Hurt."

"Maybe the double-Ds would suit you?"

So that was good

and they do have advantages.

I hear you scream, "What advantages?" Silently.

But, you know, for guys with tits,

you lose weight immediately.

I mean, look, your chest is bigger,

and you have this concave thing going on,

look, that.

Quite apart from the fucking corset. But, you know.

And people go, "Hey! You've lost weight!"

"No, I've got big tits."

"Ah. Thought it was a haircut or something

"going on there."

So that's good. You can pull your boobs out

and you can strap them round your ears in a plane,

with a bandage, cuts the noise down. You know?

"Sorry? Beg your pardon?"

Especially when there's children crying.

There's always a child crying on an airplane,

it's the law now.

Even if there's no child crying,

they seem to go, "Who's got children?"

-"Anyone got a child there?"

"Right, come on." "I don't wanna go!

"I don't wanna go to Denver!" "You're coming to Denver.

"Come on.

"Sit there. Keep crying."

"If you stop, I'll use the fork."

'Cause that's on a plane. If you've been on a plane,

no knives any more. Just that plasticky knife,

which seems a bit sharp actually to me.

But the fork, a metal, lethal weapon.

No one could do any harm with that.

If they stuck a fork in your jugular,

you'd just be, "Fine, thank you!

"No, no real pain.

"There's a... Zzz.

"Lack of blood problem."

The forks, they'll go soon.

There'll just be a spoon and people will be attacking us with spoons.

Take the spoon and shove it up...

Then they'll take the spoon away

and it'll just be cheese. And they'll be fighting with cheese.

"The cheese things..."

We do get crap meals,

don't we, on planes?

To an extent, you get on

and you start... It all becomes so precious.

"Oh, the cheese!

"The salad! Oh, the salad."

And the little individual thing in your...

"Can I have more?

"More nibbly? Only one packet? They're very small nibblies.

"Forty minutes in the air with a small packet?

"I can eat 100 of these fuckers. More!

"I've paid to come on the plane. I want more nibblies than this.

"I've got an allergy to them and I still want to eat them."

'Cause remember nuts? We were eating nuts

like crazy and then they went, "No nuts,"

'cause people exploded or something.

Breasts, you've heard of breast implants?

These are not implants.

You think these are imp? But not implants.

They're nice and squidgy. They're ims

but they're not planted.

They're just ims, your regular,

common or house garden ims.

And you've heard on the airplane,

that implants explode?

And that is true, it happened to me.

Over 30,000 feet...

"Yeah, I know what you mean..."

"Sorry about this."

Bong!

"Yes, my left breast has exploded.

"Have you got a pillow or...

"Oh, and some more nibbly things?"

But then you got one L-cup boob

and a D-cup boob and they get a lot of looks.

I already get a lot of looks.

By the end, I've got the fork...

Bong!

"Another pillow."

You go off with the biggest tits in Christendom,

as the Crusaders used to say.

Now, that all went wrong, didn't it, the Crusaders?

They went down... "Oh, oh. What a mess!"

- Thank God for Saladin, eh?

- It's very 13th century, that joke.

Or should I say 1200s?

Isn't that just the bane of history?

The fact that when they say 13th century,

you haven't got a fucking clue what they're talking about.

And that's just for the history expert.

You just know that If they say 13th century,

it's nothing to do with the 1300s

but you immediately go into slow motion.

They're going, "So, in the 13th century,

"King Dingle Dang exploded his bottom..."

And you're going, "13th century,

"so that's not the 1300s, it's the 12..."

"And King Dingle Dangle then invaded his own buttocks..."

Fourteenth, it's either the 12th or the 14th.

We have to go back to the naughth century

and that's the first century and the naughth.

"And then he went to China and bought a packed lunch."

And, okay, um...

So it must be the 1200s! What?

My idea, radical as it may be,

is to say if it's the 1200s, it's the 12th century.

Why the fuck not?

Then loads more people would sign up for history.

Yeah. Everyone would go, "I wanna do history! I wanna...

"Who was Saladin? Who was he?

"Did he do salads? Is it a cooking program?"

- Should be funnier. Okay.

He was doing lslamic cooking jokes, for fuck's sake.

I ad-libbed it as well.

Why am I writing on my fingers?

No one cares.

But, all that's true and the other thing,

and that proves some of my theories.

Um... Where the fuck was l?

What was I talking about?

Breasts! Yes, I know, generally.

How far down the breast line was I...

Yes! Exploding in airplanes.

True, true, true. Except for the lies.

Now, also, you can grab your boobs...

I haven't seen women do this,

but when you're talking to officials, I find it very...

You know, just...

"What? How fast was I going?

"I... I don't even have a car.

"Seventy miles per hour on a scooter's very tricky."

Or bank managers. "I think £400 is not a lot to ask for.

"Don't you think it's not a lot?"

Bank manager's going, "Yes, all right, there's a million pounds.

"Go on, get out of here, you big-breasted boy."

And also, I have decided to associate with superheroes

because we like superheroes,

we have a human thirst for superheroes.

We have many, the X-Men, the Y-Men,

the B-Men, the Semen...

No, probably not them. Uh...

Spider-Man, Spider-Man,

Superman, Catman, Batman, Dogman, Frogman.

Elephant Man, not a superhero.

Less in the girls' department,

there's Wonder Woman

and there's Supergirl,

and Catwoman, she's sexy.

But fit women in tight clothing.

I think there should be more of that.

I mean, as a male lesbian,

I'm totally in flavor of that.

Um, and that's... So that's now, superheroes,

and it goes all the way back to the Greeks.

Greek heroes, tons of them.

Achilles, Greek hero with the Achilles...

The Achilles ankle... Achilles what? Achilles ankle?

Heel. - Heel, yeah! Sorry!

Achilles had the Achilles heel

but I don't think it was like, if you flick it, he'd drop dead.

That doesn't make sense, does it?

I think it was more like a funny elbow, you know,

and he just had a bit of a wobbly one

and if you got him, "Ah, ah, ah!"

"Ah! Ow, fuck!"

And then he'd fall on a spike.

Agamemnon, he had an Agamemnon neck.

That was his weak spot. If you caught him with an axe just there,

he didn't like it.

And as his head rolled off, he'd go, "Ooh, bugger."

And he'd go into emergency chicken mode

♪ Den den der den den der

♪ Do do do... That's what chickens do,

as soon as their head's off.

They lean in slightly as they do that circle,

keeps them going, centrifugal force.

Basic Physics. ♪ Den den der...

Chickens are going, "What to do?

"What to do? Got no head."

"Got no head.

"I can't think, I can't think!

"I have no head, that's why.

"Uh... Invade Birmingham. No!

"I've lost all my strategic sense."

Fucking chicken. "I'm not doing circles any more.

"What am I doing?"

Pfff!

I mean, chicken undertakers, they have a hell of a time.

"Here lies Steve the chicken,

"who died 23 July, 1927

"at 3:30 p.m.

"3:35 p..."

"Four... About four o'clock...

"In the... Later that day.

"Here he... Uh...

"Not actually buried here 'cause he's a chicken and we ate him.

"If only he could pull the wishbone in his body and make a wish."

- That should be funnier.

"Anyway, that's all from me.

"I think my job's a weird job.

"Speak to you soon, love from Kenny.

"P.S. My thumb hurts."

So, So Agamemnon, Ajax, he was also there.

He was like the cleaner, you know,

like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction.

And...

And then was King Menelaus, who was like a sponge cake.

There! Got a groan. That got a groan.

You see that? Yes.

Yes, yes, I heard.

That was a groaner. King Many Layers,

shouldn't have used that one.

I didn't, that was someone else.

Is that your shoulder or what?

We'll cut all this out, cut the whole show out up to now.

Now we'll start, okay?

Um... Hang on.

Scratch.

If you're wearing a skirt, you shouldn't scratch.

Girls never scratch, apparently,

or go to the loo, or is that the Royal family? I don't know.

The Royal family never go to the loo, they just store it up

and then just before they die they go...

"Yeah, the Queen's dead."

Just came to me.

I'm just ad-libbing. It probably doesn't happen that way.

There's probably other people who have tubes and things.

Now...

Don't even go there. Don't go there. You're filthy.

Um. Anyway...

What? It's a glove puppet.

Yes, so, yes!

On the Trojan side you've got Helen who says,

you know... Paris seems like a personal shopper to me,

with a name like that.

"I've just been there and got new socks and everything

"and I found this woman, Helen."

How did he get her to go? "Come on, Helen, let's go."

"It might cause a rumpus."

"I don't think so. Come on."

Fucking hell! What a rumpus.

"Dad, found this woman." "Wow. Where's she from?"

"She's from Sparta."

"Oh, you twit.

"Nip upstairs, see if there are any ships on the horizon."

Ooh, I've gone dizzy.

"Uh... Ships. Yeah, there's ships."

"Well, how many?" "All of them."

"You fucking nutter!

"You've got all the Greeks, who don't actually exist yet as an entire unity,

"they're all coming."

"The Spartans, the Athenians, and all the other guys around there,

"who'll later have a civil war

"just after the Second World War."

"You know your future history." "I do."

"But, Dad, she's such a bonzer woman

"and I want to shag her brains in."

"Well, good reason. Anyway.

"Come on, let's make a horse out of clay."

And that was written up as a book.

That was the whole story, it was called "Oh, Fucking Hell"

and "What A Mistake."

And Odysseus, he was also there.

Odysseus, who did the Odyssey.

If he was Jonathan,

he would have done a Jodyssey.

And he didn't fight.

"Go on, just kick them."

"Help us, Odysseus."

"I can't. I've got this Odyssey I'm gonna do on the way back.

"So, I've already sold the rights for the book."

"You lazy bastard."

And he did, he had a huge adventure.

There was the thing with the pig

that got lost in the maze,

not a pig, a big cow,

a big cow, wasn't it?

I haven't read this bit in Edith Hamilton.

And there's a guy with one eye,

called One-Eyed Guy, and...

Blue otters or something.

And the island,

the island with the sirens,

who are beautiful women who would sing to attract sailors.

♪ Come over here

♪ In your ships

♪ We are naked, shaggable women

♪ Sail your ships over here

♪ And we're shagging each other at the moment

♪ Ah...

"A bit flat, Susan."

♪ Ah, ah, ah

♪ We've got very good parking for ships

♪ The thing, things

♪ And just fucking get over here ♪

We're not sure what the song was

but it could have been something.

♪ Come over here

♪ Won't you come

And the sailors would come over and crash on the rocks and drown and die

and the women go, "Ha ha ha ha".

Which is a very girly trick.

Because I've heard about it at school.

When I grew up as a boy, against my will,

but, you know, it was very much a violent sort of...

I wouldn't actually have huge manly fights. I'd argue.

I'd go, "No, I'm not.

"No, United Nations say I'm a special case."

And do stuff like that and stop getting beaten up that way.

But girls would do the mind control thing, it seems,

of going, "We're not talking to her."

Which is completely evil.

But boys just do violence, which is sort of stupid and blockheaded.

But anyway, that whole bloody les...

Well, I don't know if it was a lesbian island,

but it sounds fantastic, anyway. Um...

But just... They were sirens.

They were probably standing on the cliff going...

♪ Ooh

"A bit flat, Susan."

Or maybe they were going...

And Odysseus sailing by going, "Someone's trying to break into that island."

Probably wasn't on a speedboat.

Probably one of those big rigging boat with a big steering wheel,

"Someone's trying to break into that island."

Or on a bicycle, "Someone's trying to break into that island."

Or swimming, "Someone's trying to break into that island."

Or water-skiing,

"Someone's trying to break into that island.

"Row, you fuckers."

This is for the DVD. Different endings.

Cartwheel.

Or someone playing cricket.

"Someone's trying to break into that island."

Football.

"Someone's trying to break into that island."

- Too many endings. Okay.

So, that was fun, though.

And, and, and, and then there was Perseus.

Perseus was a Greek hero. Son of Zeus,

Per-Zeus, you see? Per-Zeus. Through.

Per-Zeus. Per-Zeus.

Perseus. Per-Zeus.

Perseus. Per-Zeus. Perseus. Per-Zeus.

This is a new form of teaching called shouting at people until they agree.

Well, he was a son of Zeus, anyway.

And his wife, his mother... Hole in the ground.

And what happens?

All the Greek myths,

it looks like they were written by someone with an enormous bag of weed.

Going "And then the green monkeys,

"who lived in a sponge cake,

"all decided to dress up as an enormous tart and..."

It just goes on and on.

Perseus goes to a wedding.

A king, who's getting married says "Where's my present?"

"Oh, I forgot. Uh, what about tissues?"

"No. That's not gonna work.

"What I want is the head of Medusa, who's a Gorgon from the cheese family."

"Bring me her head."

"What's she look like?" "She's got snakes for hair.

"and if you look at her, you turn to stone."

"All right, no problem."

"Does she get chatted up a lot?"

"Not really." "All right.

"I'll go and get her. Just the head?"

"Yeah. And a wing, maybe a leg. Maybe some fries as well.

"Freedom fries. Fuck off."

And he goes, "Where's Medusa live?"

"Go to the island where the grey women live.

"Three grey women who have one eye between them,

"that they take out and swap around."

It's in there, you read it.

And then he grabbed the eye.

He was advised to grab the eye when they were passing it around.

"Where's the fucking eye?

"I've got to go to the loo."

"Where's the eye?" "I've got it."

"Oh, bum! The visitor's got it."

"Tell me where Medusa lives."

"All right. Lives at number 23."

"All right. There's your eye.

"Oh, fucking lost it. Hang on."

-"That's a marble."

"That's a sheep's eye! That's weird."

- Should be funnier. Anyway.

So then he goes and there's three Gorgons.

You don't remember the other two, do you? No.

Medusa, she lost her head

but she got well known for it.

And the other two Gorgons, Fred and Jim or something.

Medusa's going, "He's coming to kill us! Son of Zeus, coming to kill us."

And the other two are immortal, which is kind of handy.

"He's not coming to kill us." "Well, he might, Simon. He might kill you."

"No, I'm immortal."

"Are you?

"What about you, Andrew?" "No, I'm immortal, too."

"Simon, Andrew, both immortal?

Where was I when the immortality van came by?"

"You were off buying snake food."

"Bloody hell.

"Eh? I'm going down the hairdressers."

How did she get her hair done?

Because we wake up in the morning, our hair's all over the fucking place

and then we sort the hair out.

She wakes, her hair's all over the place all day.

Probably wakes up before her.

"Oh, God. Put a video about mice on the telly. The fucking snakes are up."

Hairdressers hate her. "Bloody hell, it's Medusa. Sit down.

"So, what if, what if...

"Calm down.

"Can you tell your hair to calm the fuck down?

"Bloody... Hey! Get me a hairbrush.

"Janine, can you shampoo?"

"Not on your life."

"Just a...

"Just a trim, was it?"

-"Do your roots?"

So, in the end, Perseus,

he gets given magic things 'cause the gods like him,

and he gets a magic hat, magic trousers, and a magic...

Tractor and loads...

Magic purse, it's very camp.

And he ends up killing Medusa 'cause he uses a reflective surface.

You can't look at her. You turn to stone.

So he's got a shield to attack

but a shield of course, is concave

and therefore inverts the image, like in a Box Brownie,

not only reflects it but inverts the image.

How the fuck do you attack using that?

- You'd be going...

"Could you stand still, please?"

"Are you immortal?

You're one of the immortal ones?"

"Hi, Simon, how are you?

"Is your sister in?"

"No, no reason.

"Uh, all right, I'll come back later."

Crazy bloody story.

And there's a winged horse and everything. Now...

So, what is my point? My point is that

the reason of the superhero thing,

the linkage things,

transvestites and superheroes

is because we have a big similarity.

Both superheroes and transvestites,

we both have to change before we help people.

We both have to change clothes before we help people.

Except transvestites don't actually help people.

But apart from that, fantastic similarity.

"Help! Help! A small child is hurt! Help us, Superman.".

"What's the problem?" "He's got bruised knee, grazed knee."

"Okay. You want Savlon on that,

"and then a plaster over the top."

Are there any others?" "No, just him."

"Was it an earthquake?" "No, he fell off his bike."

"Right. I don't normally come out for bicycles.

"'Cause that would have mended itself."

"We just wanted to meet you, really.

"Why do you wear your underwear on the outside?"

"Yes, I don't normally get out of bed for less than a helicopter crash."

"No. It's just his bike.

"Can you mend the front wheel?" "No, fuck off."

"Why do you wear your pants on the..." "It saves on shopping. Washing."

That second answer got a much better reaction than the first.

The first one was wrong.

The second one got a huge reaction,

as if I'd just won the World Cup.

Compared to, that's Superman,

compared to Captain Transvestite.

"Help us, Captain Transvestite! A child is hurt."

And then it's 20 minutes to get changed.

That's the fastest I've ever done it.

"Oh, Christ!

Ah.

"I look like a bloke."

"What, what, what, what?" "He's dead.

"Kid's dead now."

"Well, I came as fast as I could."

"Yeah, well, gangrene's set in." "That's bloody quick."

"Well, he fell in a lump of gangrene, you see."

"I came as fast..." "You were 20 minutes."

"Yeah, I had a glass of wine but I mean..."

"Superman doesn't have a glass of wine."

"He might, he might have liquid fuel-injected

"wine into his body, you don't know."

"It's true, I don't actually.

"But he's dead now, completely dead."

"I've got a lipliner."

"What the fuck's that gonna do?"

"I'd draw a line around him for the police."

"Fingers.

"Fingers.

"Fin... He's got too many fingers.

"That's not a human."

♪ Martian child, Martian child

♪ Lying here, Martian child

♪ Comes from Mars not from here

♪ Martian child Good at cooking♪

They would, the Martians would make excellent cooking program people.

Wouldn't you tune in?

Now Martians, first Martian fabulous cooking program. You'd tune in.

I think I can take that as a huge silent yes.

I should be a politician. "I hear your silence and take it as yes!

"This silence I hear is no, because I wish it to be."

But Mars, it came to visit us. Mars, the Red Planet.

It came so close to the Earth.

If you stood on the roof of your house with an extended car aerial

and you had a frog on the end with a long tongue

who had a stick insect on the end of that,

and the stick insect was holding one of those tape measures you had

when you click it off and used as a sword when you were a kid

and the kid went

and it'd go bonk 'cause you had to make it a certain size.

If you had all that and you waggled it around

you could almost touch Mars if you were mad.

Yeah, it didn't... It's 35 million miles away.

That was a long bloody way away.

I mean, I wanna be woken up when Mars is...

That's the noise you need, isn't it?

You know when those spaceships go by in sci-fi films.

"Mom, Mom, Mom. Mars is at the kitchen window! Go, look!"

"Number 23's gone."

"Medusa's had it."

I want Mars to be so bloody close I can nip out in the garden,

and leap up and then Mars's gravity will grab you and bonk.

It's like, "Kids, nip outside for a bit of bonk."

"All right, Mom."

"Mom, Mom, Johnny's stuck on Mars!"

"We'll catch him the next time round."

"How long does it take for Mars to go round?"

"Oh, about dot dot dot. Don't know."

How long?

- How long does it take Mars to go? What's a Martian day? Week.

- How long? Week.

A week?

Is it a week?

So somebody pass that on. Was that a week?

- Yeah? Yeah.

- Whatever I said. A week.

Edit that together, you see.

But I mean, I find it exciting.

I don't know about you but I do find that Mars coming to...

It went from one pinprick in the sky to three pinpricks in the sky.

And I was in Los Angeles at the time, driving around in my Lamborghini, in my mind.

I was going around on a pogo stick in Los Angeles and...

And um, in my mind.

I was actually in Eastbourne in a Lamborghini. No, I wasn't.

I was on Mars, looking at Earth.

- Oh, fuck it.

I don't know where I was

but it went from a little pinprick to three pinpricks

and I went, "Ah, ah!

"Ah. Oh, no, there it is. Ah! That's..."

But it's exciting in a sort of tedious way.

It's exciting in a kind of, "Oh, fuck off."

Because they went to the moon,

the Americans and the Russians, went to the moon,

and remember, Russia was ahead.

Russia was first up and then America. Russia went round the Earth.

And then Russia got a fish, a dog, a cat, a monkey,

a tractor up there.

And then they were going to the moon. Russia, America, who's going to be first?

Then Russia went, "I don't wanna go to the moon.

"I'm fed up anyway, never wanted to go there."

I don't know what they did.

Maybe they thought, "There's only rocks there."

But with a Russian accent.

"There's only rocks there on the marsh, you know."

I've borrowed this accent from a shop. I'm not sure if it's right.

"Only grey rocks they have on the moon, you know?"

"Do you think so?" "I think so.

"I think it is pointless for us to go there.

"We will find only grey rocks

"and we'll waste a load of cash

"that could be spent on vodka."

"Aye, I'm thinking too.

"We have become Scottish."

"Aye, from the north of the Highlands."

What the fuck was that first accent?

I don't know.

But they went Mars, well, there's not much up there, red rocks.

On the moon there's grey rocks,

on Mars there's red rocks and that's a bit boring.

It's like archaeology, you know?

Archaeology, I mean, that's a slow thing, isn't it?

It can't be speeded up.

Archaeology has got three bloody vowels in the middle.

Arch-a-e-o-logy. I mean, what the hell is going on there?

Did someone just unload a bunch of vowels in the middle of it?

'Cause that's where you get your accents.

If you know, if you look at accents, they're all changes in vowels.

It is all A, ah, oh, ee, oh, eye, ee, oo-ar... ooh.

It's not the consonants, they're always...

But archaeology, arch-oo-ar-ah-ology.

As you go round the country it's archaeology, arch-oo-logy, arch-ee-olog-ah...

Ar-cha-o-la-dah...

Some of these counties don't exist, of course.

But the Time Team. We have the Time Team in Britain.

Speed archaeology.

Archaeologists on the drug speed

and that's what you want.

Speed this fucking thing up. Dig, dig.

'Cause the normal stuff's going slow. They say, "We've found stuff!"

"You found stuff? What have you found?

"What have you found with my circular thing."

"Uh, well,

"give us a toothbrush and ten years and we'll tell you."

"Give you a toothbrush and ten years and you'll tell me?

What are you? Captain of the alliteration club?"

Four, five, six. Yes.

It's just, you know, Time Team, I like that. Three days, dig stuff up.

"Fucking dig. Dig! Dig it up! Dig it up!"

"What the fuck is it? Keep work..."

"I've dug a big hole." "What is it?"

"It's Greek, it's Spanish, it's Venezuelan. I don't know...

"Some guy. Some dead guy."

I like it and I went and helped them.

I love Time Team and I saw ten episodes of it

and no, I've seen episodes for ten years of Time Team.

and they had the celeby-come and-dig-a-ditchie-type thing.

And I came in and dug a ditchie.

And I really dug it. I hadn't dug a ditch all my life.

I'd never dug a ditch.

I never did much ditch digging, you know?

I did sand castles, then I dug that fucking...

Nothing in it, and that's true archaeology.

Sometimes there's nothing in there.

Except some worms going, "Have you seen Medusa?"

"No, I haven't." "We are her hair in later years."

"Oh, really. Do you do a tight perm?"

"Yes, we can."

When I first came out as a transvestite I thought I should get a perm,

so I went to get a perm in lslington

and they gave me rollers like this.

I remember these big, sort of Cindy Crawford-type rollers

and these were tiny things, old lady rollers.

I came out looking like a bizarre footballer.

- That was not a good day.

But I so thought it was right I went back again and said, "Give me another one.

"Haven't you got bigger rollers?"

And they said, "No. There exists no rollers bigger than that."

True but kind of boring story.

So, yes...

Uh... What was I talking about? Yes, the archaeology thing.

Um, so, yeah, I dug this ditch

I dug this ditch and there was nothing in it.

And that was true, that was archaeology.

And I thought, "Actually, I wanted to find a hoard of Roman coins, or a sword.

"or a Viking helmet."

And really, I'm not into archaeology.

I'm into piracy.

That's what I wanted to find.

Piracy!

Which is what the Vikings were.

That's what Viking means. And they were bringing...

They brought us a lot...

'Cause they took over the whole of eastern England, essentially,

and, you know, Scotland as well.

And a lot of our language, like "kiosk,"

that's a Viking word.

And it came from when they came,

they raped and pillage,

and awful, blood everywhere.

And limbs hacked, and money stolen.

And then they say, "If you have enjoyed today's experience,

"you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk,

"which is just down on the beach."

"Okay, thank you."

So...

So, I was talking before about people have to change

before they help.

This is a third group.

Firefighters, they change clothes before the help.

And they do a very good job.

We like them. We pull over in our cars.

Soon as we hear...

You look up in the mirror. "Fire."

You look out the window,

on the front of the van you see, "Erif."

"Fire." "Erif." You know, almost going,

"Get the erif van out of the way. Get out of the way!

"Let the firefighters through."

And the police come. "Police."

You look out and you see,

"ecilop."

"Get out of the way, ecilop.

"Ecilop, the one-eyed monster.

"Let the police through."

And then the ambulance comes.

And that's good.

That's a good thing, too.

So, the police we...

We pull over somewhat more reluctantly for the police.

The police, you go "Uh..."

'Cause there could be good cop, bad cop,

there's politics involved.

Sometimes they're beating up the wrong person.

There's stuff like this. Firefighters?

No politics. You just go "Godspeed!"

And they go, "Which god?"

"Bhuddhist gods."

"They don't have gods."

"Well, technical."

"He wouldn't go very fast. He's a big lad."

"Yes, just fuck off."

"I mean, in a nice way."

But they never have good firefighter, bad firefighter.

You know?

"Hitler and Nelson Mandela are stuck in a building."

"Get them both out."

You know, the equality.

"Come on, Hitler. Nelson.

"Actually, Nelson, come on. Hang on a sec here.

"Nelson.

"It's Nelson Mandela. Give him a cup of tea.

"Hitler, hang on. I got to get a, uh...

"I've got a stone in my shoe.

"I just... I'll be right...

"Just... Just hang on there.

"Keep your moustache on.

"Oh, he's all burned up.

"Oh, tragedy.

"Oh, well, la-di-da.

"Uh-huh."

It's where Annie Hall meets Hitler's last days in the bunkers. "La-di-da.

"Well, no more tennis for me."

It's a very funny joke.

And the firefighters, they have a slidey pole.

All firefighters do have this,

in England, China, Venezuela, Afghanistan.

slidey pole, to get them from the first floor to the ground floor

in double quick time.

And I just thought, why not have a room on the ground floor?

Right next to the fire engine.

Because the fire engine would be here

and you'll be sitting right next to it

going, "I know what you mean, Steve,

"but I've found where there's a... Fire!"

This would be the response time.

Point two of a nanosecond.

On the first floor, it's just inefficient.

Twenty guys. "Fire! Fire!

"Down the slide. Form a queue! Form a queue!

"Go, go, go! Jump!

"Push him!

"This guy's legs' stuck now.

"Pull it.

"Use your axe. Cut it. Crash-land. Hack...

"I'm going down the lift. I'm going..."

"Never go in the lift in the fire."

"You're right."

"It's not here."

It's not efficient, is it?

Now, it obviously hearkens back from years ago,

19th century... 1800.

Or the...

That they, you know, when the...

They didn't have motorized fire vehicles,

they had vehicles that were pulled

by horses, or marmots,

or vermin, whatever, panthers.

The fire was put out and seven people died

as the panthers ate them.

But apparently... Those are all lies.

But the horse thing,

apparently they put the thing in because the horses,

they used to try and get up the stairs.

They had to put a pole in

so they couldn't... "No, let us up.

"Let us up. We want to play canasta."

"Come on, let us up. We're good at blackjack, too."

They're going, "Get down! Get down the horses!"

"Horses are trying to get up and play cards. Get out of it!"

They go "No, let us up.

"Let us up. We've got a weird voice."

I don't know how to do a horse voice.

"Hello."

"Let us up, let us up,

"or I'll blow the hair off my chinny-chin-chin."

Surely that's copyright? I don't know.

Um...

Yeah, so that's true.

But that's... That sounds stupid.

But that's true. That's actually true.

The horses used to try and get up stairs.

I made it up as a piece of rubbish,

and I asked a firefighter and he said

that's how they got up.

They used to go up stairs.

Horses would come upstairs,

not to play cards necessarily.

But, you see, I think the firefighters do a good job,

so they should just come up front and say,

"There's no reason for a slidey pole.

"But we want one."

And we go, "Yeah, have one. Have more.

"Have several.

"Have a big snakes and ladders house."

So the bell would go...

One outside the building.

Whoom-whoom-whoom.

Double turn and pike and twist

and into an open top fire engine.

"Put on the siren."

♪ Come to me

♪ Bring o' ships upon the shore

♪ We've got parking

♪ Naked women, ah-ha

"It's the Greek siren, you idiots!"

I'm not supposed to play that until the way back.

They have a bag of cats next to the window

and they throw them out.

One by one.

That's why you get that noise. Meow!

Meow!

Meow!

And it just so happens that Dr. Doppler

was sitting in his car. one day... "Meow!"

"Meow!"

"You see the change in notes of cats.

"This is a very interesting effect

"that I have been studying now

"for the last two minutes, and..."

"I will write a paper on this."

"What would you call it?"

"I'll call it 'A Change in Note of Cats Effect.'"

"You should call it the Doppler effect.

"Then people would shag you."

"Yes, yes. For my parents.

"Yes, it's a good idea.

"Not for the shagging, which is just fun.

"But it's worthwhile for you, Professor Pavlov."

"Yeah, mainly dogs are. They tend to...

"You know, it's rather embarrassing, really.

"I wish I'd never rung those fucking bells."

"Drives me crazy. Dogs keep eating everything.

"Get down the dog food shop, driving me nuts."

But the thing I was talking about,

the superhero thing, the reason is fear.

I've tried to push fear back as a transvestite.

Push fear back. Sure enough, because I've had fights,

people give me shit in the streets.

They go, "Eh, what's the fucking..." all this.

And I've learned martial arts

since I had a big fight about five years ago.

I'm now a black belt in sashimi,

which, if you know, sushi, it's like that but it's sashimi.

It's just raw fish, and you fling raw fish at people.

Salmon, salmon, tuna, salmon,

salmon, tuna. The white one that's horrible.

And that only gives you about ten seconds of shock

where they're going, "What the fuck? This is fish."

And when they're in the "What?"

you go, "Wasabi!"

Big bowl of wasabi down the throat.

So that can work.

I encourage you to try that if you're insane.

Also, I know I'm a black belt in Fuckendo

which is swearing on people.

"You fuck off your fucking asshole..."

"Why did you fucking come around here for?"

And never say this one, "Come over here and say that!"

'Cause then they tend to...

"Eh, he's very close."

So stupid.

But I've worked out how to get out of that.

All you got to do is say "Now go over there and say that."

"Now come over here and say that."

"Now go over there and say that."

"Now go to Venezuela and say that."

Well, when they're in Venezuela, you can escape, of course.

But it is... It's this fear thing.

Show no fear. And, uh...

And that's... It's like...

I don't know, it's like sharks.

Sharks that can smell blood, hear blood, taste blood...

They can taste and hear blood.

No, they can't. They've got no ears, have they?

Sharks, their ears are so swept back,

they're swept all the way down the...

They can only hear things right at the back.

They comb their ears back.

Sharks are just evil fucking beasts.

They're protected,

but they're evil fucking beasts.

But I mean, you know, those eyes.

Their eyes are useless. They're just transfers.

They're put on from an Airfix model. They're just...

You go up to a shark and go...

They won't take offense 'cause they can't see you.

It's the nose. The nose, it's sonar.

It's complete like a bong and a bung...

They send out bings. Bing!

Probably not bings.

Could just be...

But the nose, if you bonk him on the nose...

But if you get near a shark,

off the coast of Eastbourne...

Bloody great big shark.

Just hit him on the nose

and they go, "Oh!" They don't know where you are.

Or if you kiss him on the nose, they get all friendly.

Or if you stick your finger in their nostril,

they just go, "Oh!"

If you don't believe me, turn to the person next to you

and stick your finger in their nostril,

Ah!

It's true. I've seen a picture in National Geographic.

A guy with his finger...

I'm not sure it's a nostril, but it's somewhere,

that flappy bit behind.

'Cause I don't know if sharks ever go...

"Eh, I got something. Sorry."

But they're mean and evil, they've got all those teeth.

But they're protected They are protected.

The great white shark, a protected species,

because if they all die, there won't be

any huge murdering beasts in the sea.

Which I think is a good thing, isn't it?

Anyway, so forget them. But...

But dogs are interesting.

They're... With dogs, I show...

Again, show no fear. I got to dogs

and I put my hand in front of their mouth,

to show I'm not scared about biting,

and the dogs never, ever, except occasionally, bite me.

But if they do try to bite me, I pull away,

and then I pull back, you see,

so the dogs are now upside down.

Like I want them to.

Like undercut them and they come underneath.

And go over the top, underneath, over the top.

And I spin around until the dog

is going round in circles, and I throw in towels

and it does a good tumble drying,

Fifteen minutes.

A bit arduous.

But a lot of dogs are not too bright upstairs.

The bright dogs were with the Egyptians, obviously,

in the early days.

They're all on their walls, those dogs,

dogs and the Egyptians.

I think they're probably from another planet.

They went, "Woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof." Pointy things.

"Woof. Woof, woof. Bye."

And off on a spaceship.

They left behind the dogs going, "Woof?"

Like greyhounds.

Greyhounds are not too sharp upstairs.

They get put in a cage once a week.

They go, "What will I do in a cage?

"What have I done that..."

"Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit, bunny rabbit!

"Bunny rabbit!"

Now, they should be going, "Deja vu.

"I've chased this bunny rabbit before."

"Have you see this bunny rabbit? I've see this rabbit before."

And they're chasing after the same bunny.

But you look in the Greyhound's eyes as they chase,

"Bunny rabbit, bunny rabbit."

Total focus. "Bunny rabbit, bunny rabbit."

They should have the cameras on the dogs

after the race because they'll be going

"Fuck it, man.

"That's the fastest fucking bunny rabbit I've ever seen!

"Have you ever caught the bunny rabbit in this race?"

"Stevie, Jake, Harry? Yeah.

"It's like they're nailed to a railway line.

"Fucking fast."

There should be one dog bright enough to go,

"Let them go, Stevie, Harry, Jake,

"let them go. Let the fucking bunny rabbit go."

"Well, I'll tell you why. I've got a plan.

"I think if we stay right here,

"and we let that bunny rabbit go,"

"that bunny rabbit there, he's gonna come back round.

"He is. Look, he's curving round,

"he's going round. Here he comes.

"Oh, right. Look casual. Look casual."

"

"Argh! For fuck's sake!

"It's got a metal front wheel.

"Bunny rabbits don't have wheels."

Guide dogs, they are bright.

They get chosen, especially chosen. "You...

"You have the look in your eyes, the look of intelligence.

"You'll become a special dog."

The dog goes, "Food?"

"You know what I'm saying, don't you?

"Come, I will make you a leader amongst dogs."

"Food now?

"With marrow, the yummy bit of humans?"

"Come.

"I will make you a leader who will lead people

-"with restricted eyesight." -"Food? A dog shop?

"Dog food shop? I like dog food shop."

And they're trained, these dogs are trained.

They're there, "We've come, 175 degrees magnetic.

"Church with a spire."

Meow! Meow!

Meow!

"Dog food shop."

The trouble with guide dogs,

they'll always take you to a dog food shop.

You may not wanna go there.

But I met someone...

I know someone in Melbourne.

She had a guide dog that was a failed guide dog.

Brilliant, this dog failed.

Well, obviously... No, oh.

Uh...

If you, um...

Yeah.

You're no help.

Meow! Meow!

Meow!

Meow! Oh. Meow!

Meow!

Meow!

"Where's your owner?

"Gone upstairs?

"What?

"What?

"Hang on a second."

Apparently, I wasn't supposed to be wearing that.

That's supposed to...

I nicked this off a sergeant who was walking by.

As you can see, he didn't need it.

There's someone that cut a triangle out of my skirt.

The triangle-cutting people.

Not a rhomboid. No.

'Cause triangle's good. You know what a triangle is.

Square, yeah. Rhomboid you go, "What the fuck is that?"

It's a square squashed over.

- Why? - I don't know.

- Why isn't it a diamond? - Oh, get off.

Now...

These are quite good. You can play 'em.

♪ Bong-bong-bong

♪ Ah, ah

♪ Bung-bung-bung

'Cause it's two pairs, you see.

No expense.

Now, Africa, I hear you ask.

Now...

Yes. Well, it's true.

Now, I call... I do research these days.

I used to not do research

and I had a researcher come up to me and go "Chickens are hairy."

I go, "Oh, really?" No, actually.

Uh, they're feathery.

When you cut their head off,

they're slightly more intelligent.

Um...

You know they're ex-dinosaurs?

Chickens are the only dinosaurs that survived.

Or something like that. Didn't somebody tell you this?

I don't know, I pick up shit.

And interesting facts as well.

Now...

I prefer the facts 'cause the other one's...

A lot of that. A lot of that.

Uh, where was I? Oh, yes.

So, the research.

Now I buy books.

Do I read them? No.

Because I'm a slow reader.

I take a lot in because the faster ones go

"I read a book last night.

"I read War and Peace,

"while going to the toilet." You know?

But they didn't take it in. They just went...

They say "What's it about?"

"Uh... I don't know, what?"

I take it all in, you see.

But I bought a speed reading book

because I wanted to speed up.

Have I read the speed reading book? No.

Um...

But logically, that's one book that as you read,

there should come a point where you go "Ah!"

And if I read that one,

I could read all the others quickly.

But I just keep going back to Stephen Green's biography

And, uh...

So, anyway, so Africa.

I watched two DVDs on Africa. Mmm.

And it is proof to the DNA, or "Den-ah" as we call it now,

that Crick and Watson and the other guy

and the woman who was dead, so didn't get a Nobel Prize,

they found the alpha helix

and it proves that we're all from Africa, you see.

Proved through the Y-chromosome and the mitochondrial DNA

that we're all African, which is brilliant,

'cause it means that racist people can retire.

And yes, they have done...

Wonderful, wonderful racist people

brought violent hatred into the world

and many, many deaths, piles of bodies.

Hitler, there's an interesting person.

Oh, he dealt with hatred.

If he hadn't hated so many people...

He killed six million Jews

and so many fucking millions of people.

If he hadn't killed 'em, a lot of them were German citizens.

They would have fought for him, he could have won.

Yeah. Think about that.

If he hadn't hated so much, that stu...

Anyway, um...

That's another war. So...

So, what's my point?

So, anyway, Africa. We're all from there.

And racist people interest me,

and never as polite as smokers, have you noticed that?

Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke?"

"Oh, you do. Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette."

Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist?

"Oh, I'll go outside.

"Fucking blue people eh? Come around here.

"Steal our hamsters."

Bye!

Yes, now where were we?

Children. They're lovely, aren't they?

Now, I've worked out that personally

I'm a hunter-gatherer type.

This is my body type.

You know, there's many people thin people who eat pigs

and they say "I haven't put a thing on." That's tricky in its own way,

because they can't get any bigger.

I can get bigger, thank you very much. If I look at a piece of lettuce I go poof!

I'm designed... I'm a running person.

I'm not... Not runny like Camembert, but running.

I'm designed... The loneliness of the long distance runner.

Or the sort of less loneliness,

the too long distance runner. You know?

I'm good at that. So, I think I'm a hunter gatherer.

I think my "de-nah" goes back to hunter gatherers.

You know, I just think I'm a hunter.

I don't know if I'm a gatherer. Not very tidy.

I think. I was kind of Yeah.

Got them. Got that Badger.

And then, Steve, could you gather that?

Hunter and the gatherer. Not the hunter-gatherers. Hunter and gatherers.

Some other people go, "Oh! I'll get that."

They're very good because they're very fastidious.

"There's a Badger left. You left a badger here."

Because I think I'd be a hunter and I'd come back "Where's the Badgers?

"Oh! I fuckin' left 'em.

"Left 'em on the copse."

On the knotty hill bit, on the crag.

It's like a golfing relationship.

It's like "Oh! Look, a gazelle. What do you think?"

"I think a three spear." "Yeah, a three spear."

Wasabi!

Gazelles are really fast. I missed. Get another three spear.

And then small ones like marmots... "Just a wood.

"Just a wood, thank you."

Boom!

Never got an applause on that before.

That what Eastbourne likes.

Boom!

- You like that, right?

You must love that thing on the pier where you hit the rat thing.

Hit the fucking rat.

What a fucking thing you've got.

Fuck, hit the fucking rat.

'Cause if you haven't seen it, there's about eight rats

and they're just below the surface, and they come out and you hit them.

It's just, "Hit a rat! Rat!"

"Fucking rats!"

Bubonic plague. What a wonderful plague, bubonic plague.

It's such a big word, bubonic plague.

It's not the Black Death, "Oh, Black Death..."

It's the bubonic plague.

The have-us-a-bonic plague.

The sintentrundlemondlebrick plague.

Mr. Bubon, who invented it.

He first went "A tissue, a tissue."

"What's up, Mr. Bubon?" "I think I've got the plague."

"Could be bubonic plague."

"Could be... [RETCHES]" "What are the symptoms?"

"My hair goes all curvy."

Well, that's just a soccer problem. Isn't that a football thing.

That's too tight on the rollers.

Islington hairdressers, that.

Really? Islington? What the fuck are you talking about?

I don't know.

Right, um, what's this?

No, I didn't need that.

Because Marcel Marceau, you know, I've worked out...

There's a whole gun problem in America, because I've traveled through America.

They have this whole gun problem. People say "How do we deal with it?"

I think you should ban handguns. Sure, there'll be an outcry.

But then allow artillery.

Because it'll slow them down. Come on.

Just field artillery from World War Two.

Check!

Boom!

Boom!

Shit!

Ah! Bug, it's the fuzz.

Bug?

It's one of the most tiring mimes I've ever done, that one.

I've said that to Marcel Marceau.

"It's really tiring, the artillery mime."

Marcel?

"Marcel, it's a really obvious gag. They laughed.

"Marcel, have you hung yourself?

"Come on lad, say something."

"It was really going well, Marcel. Then we blew it.

"Blew the end bit, really tailed off there.

"Ad-libbing's not all it's cracked up to be.

"Yeah. All right.

"Yeah. I'll talk to you.

"Yeah, welcome. Yeah, bye."

Blip! Key lock.

Oh, what a 2003 joke.

Ten years ago, we wouldn't know key lock.

We wouldn't know key lock would be so important.

Otherwise you just phone people up and you just get a message from someone like this...

"Steve, Steve. Steve, Steve.

"You've got your phone on."

"Steve, switch your fucking phone off, mate."

If you haven't got a mobile phone,

then you won't know what I'm talking about.

Thank God for key lock. Oh, God, before key lock.

Endless phone calls that went on like that for hours.

Anyway. So, uh...

Um...

Help me.

What?

Oh! Hunter, gatherers. Yes.

So hunter and gathers. They hunted mammoths as well, didn't they?

I'm not sure. They're huge fucking elephants.

I mean, whoosh!

Got him. Oh, he's not stopping, he's not stopping.

Have you the um... Three, um, four. Four's...

And nowadays, woolly mammoth is just... It should be called

woolly elephant shouldn't it? 'Cause they're just

elephants with wool, aren't they?

But they have an elephant bloody gun.

They didn't have a mammoth spear. Give me the mammoth spear.

Just run onto this, would you, Mr. Mammoth?

Too bloody big to hunt.

But they invented things. This is 50,000 years ago

and remember, our civilization back to the Egyptians and the dog people there

that were five and a half thousand years,

Fifty thousand years. Long bloody time.

And they invented fire.

Someone invented fire.

People say "Well, fire was from a lightning strike, hit a tree...

"Someone took a..." I don't think so.

Because we've been out in thunder and lightning and it's fucking scary.

And in our minds we go "It is an electronic discharge from the thing down..."

In our hearts and our bodies we go "Fucking gods are angry.

"They hate us. We have sinned. We have done original sin.

"And unoriginal, just copied sin and all that shit."

Yeah. It's just scary.

Even nowadays, if you are next to a tree

and it went boom, with lightning, I don't think anyone here would go,

"I'll grab a branch. We'll do marshmallows."

Ipso facto, if that means anything,

I don't think back then they would've done it either.

So someone must have invented fire.

There must've been a day before fire and a day after fire.

Day before would have been, "Oh, God, it's freezing. So, so cold!

"Turn... Turn the, um...

"Turn nothing up.

"Throw another log on your brother.

"What's for tea?" "Salad."

"We had salad yesterday."

"Yeah." "Can we get variety?" "What?

"Salad. I could pronounce it differently, what do you want?

"Salard. Move around the country you get different pronunciations."

"No! I just want..." Okay, does it have a dressing?"

"Uh, what? Like a bandage?"

"No. Balsamic vinaigrette. Does it have balsamic vinaigrette?"

Where the fuck did balsamic vinaigrette come from?

Eh? Balsamic fucking vinaigrette.

How long ago? Ten years.

"Would you like a dressing?"

"What have you got?" "We've got Thousand Island, we've got 970 Island.

"We've got 400 Island.

"We got Three Mile Island.

"Or balsamic vinaigrette."

"Balsamic vinaigrette. "Balsamic vinaigrette.

"I would like some balsamic vinaigrette, balsamic vinaigrette."

It was just some suggestive thing.

And it's yummy, whoa.

And what's it made out of? Balsa...

Balsa... Balsa wood... Balsa wood!

It's model airplanes isn't it? Make your model airplane...

Let's put it in the salad. Put it in the salad.

And then you eat the salad and then the solvent... Ah, the salad...

The glue. It's the glue up your nose. I love this salad.

Oh, it's so creamy. That's solvent abuse.

You fucking salad. You fuck off, you salad.

Should be funny.

Ah, yes.

So. There must have been someone who said "I don't want to have salad anymore."

I'm gonna bloody change this."

"Look, Jeff, what are you doing? Come and have your salad. It's getting warm."

"Oh, Sheila, I'm going to invent something right here."

"What? After you've masturbated?" "That's not masturbation.

"If you do that to your penis it will come off at the hinge."

"All right. Well, I'm...

"I'm twig spin..."

"Yeah. Twig spinning.

"I can see..." "No this is a thing.

"It's a special..." "Are you drilling to China?"

"China hasn't been invented yet. Ahhh."

"Oh, so how 45,000 ago of you."

"In the future, it'll work out when they explain it."

"Sheila, you've gone mad."

"Look, I did this yesterday. I spin the twig and it makes smoke.

"And it makes orange and yellow stuff.

"It's warm. I'm gonna be famous, Sheila."

"Jeff, you're not going to be famous. Come and have your salad.

"I'm going to be..."

"Jeff Fire, you're not going to be famous."

"I am Sheila. And you know what I'm going to call it? I'm going to call it Jeff."

For years they would say, "Throw another log on the Jeff."

"Let's put a barbie on the Jeff." Oh, early porn.

Ah, it's an old pornography joke.

Eastbourne you're a crazy rock and roll town.

Well, rocks? Pebbles.

Yes. So they invented that.

So they invented fire.

And then someone invented the wheel.

They say the person who invented the wheel was a genius.

No, I think the person who invented the axle was a genius. Yes.

Because a wheel without an axle is just a lazy Susan.

And what was that before the wheel was invented?

Lazy Susan was just a girl who stood in the middle of the table with some food

and said "What do you want? What do you want?

"You want noodles? Fuck off, we haven't got any. Jam? Fuck off, no.

"All right, you can have some rice. What?

"Hang on, give us a second for fuck's sake."

"Oh, you're bloody lazy, Susan."

"I am."

Just pointing that out. For the joke's purposes.

So you invent a wheel.

The guy who invented the wheel was obviously crackers.

"I have invented a major new transport thing." "Oh really?" "Yes!"

"How does it work?" "You strap your body around the wheel,

"and then your friend pushes you down the hill."

"You'd break your back in three places." "Only three places?"

"Have you met Axle Rod?" "Hello."

"What have you invented?"

"I've invented the pole."

"You're Axle Rod and you invented the pole?"

"Yes." "What are you going to call it?"

"I'm going to call it one of those three."

So you put an axle on a wheel, and then you've got nothing.

You've just got a thing that goes around and around and around.

And then you've gotta get another wheel on it.

You have to invent two fucking wheels,

if you think about it, and then that doesn't work.

That's a big thing for traveling.

How? You stand on the axle and go whoa...

So no, no. Put a chair on the axle, attach it to a chair.

No, you have to drill a hole. There's so many different inventions you have to make.

And there were two types of human bipedal type things.

There was Neanderthals and Homo sapiens. We're like kissing cousins.

Except we didn't kiss. The Neanderthals had the heavy eyebrow ridge.

"Huh," that kind of "ugh..."

You know with that kind of look of

"I've got a headache. I feel so close to extinction."

Very hardy, but not so bright upstairs.

Homo sapiens slightly more...

"How are we getting on there, Neanderthal?

"All going all right?"

"Not too good.

"Yesterday, we went hunting

"and half our tribe was killed

"when they fell on themselves.

"And I've hurt my knee.

"And we got no butter."

"Yes. Well, always good talking to you.

"Must go. I've got some swatches of moss for the new cave we're moving into.

"Local chap's doing some paintings of things.

"Jumping things, I don't know.

"Gazelles or whatever. Should look good. Should fetch a pretty penny in a few years.

"Where you living these days?"

"I am living in a bit of my own excrement.

"Well, good idea. Keeps you warm, yeah?"

"Er, what?"

"Well, your poo keeps you warm is that..."

"Huh?"

"Poo from your body, doesn't that keep you...

"Is that the idea?"

"No, um. Thought of that."

"The estate agent said bathroom en suite."

Yeah, well. You're box clever there.

Peter Sellers in The Goon Show.

So, uh, Neanderthals, they died out 200,000 years.

They developed for 200,000 years,

and went, "Ah fuck it." And they died out 'cause they're a bit "Ugh. Ugh."

So they must have started.

"Ugh."

50,000 years of evolution.

"Ugh?"

100,000. "Ah."

150,000. "Ugh."

200,000.

"Ah, shit."

Thank God they died.

Because if they made it through then humans, Homo sapiens wouldn't have made it.

And then everything would be different.

You know, television would be book of the month club.

On television it'd be "And now we have Professor...

"Ugh, uh.

"And what do you think of this book?"

"What?"

"What do you think of this book in a critical way?"

"It's all right." "There you have it, it's all right."

News programs would be, "And now we have what? Breaking news...

"Uh... Uh...

"What's all this here?

"What's this line? What's this white thing going along here?

"What? This crawler thing?

"What's... More news, ugh.

"Now, over to Steve." "Huh?"

"Steve." "What?" "Steve." "What's going on?"

"What? Where?"

"What? "Ugh."

"What now?" "Well, what here?" "Huh?"

"Now over to the politicians debating who will be leader."

"I would like to be leader"

"'cause I've got teeth."

"I'd like to be leader because I haven't and have no need of dentistry."

"I don't want to be leader."

"I'm in it for cash."

Shakespeare would be, "To be or not to be,

"you know, maybe, is the question."

"Where no... Suffer slings and arrows and a club in the face.

"Or the rest of the rat for half an hour, you know? Maybe that's nobler.

"Anyway, that's all from me. Love Bill."

And those whole fucking changing room programs would be

"Alright, well. You know, I thought we'd put

"excrement here and then excrement there. Then poo along here,

"up there. Then poo, then poo. Then a bit of wee, then poo.

"Then poo, then wee. Then wee, and then a poo bar here.

"And here they come." "Ahhh."

"And what do you think?"

"This is shit."

So that didn't happen.

But then 45,000 years ago, fact seekers, what happened was something like that.

There was an ice age, of course, and everything got jolly, jolly cold.

In the north and south poles, a lot more ice.

And then the sea level goes down to make all that ice.

It goes down by the height of a 40-story block of flats.

Residential office, it doesn't matter.

And so around the equator, it gets not only hot, it gets super-duper hot.

So the people in Africa were like, "Look, I may be African,

"but I am getting the fuck out of here."

And some of them went via Egypt into Central Asia.

And some went down through Ethiopia,

past Yemen, and down into Australia. Yemen, my hometown.

And so I am a child of the Middle East.

And so I look to the East and West like we do with medicine.

We have Eastern and Western. The Western is very pill driven.

The Eastern is more curious,

Like, like acupuncture.

I've had acupuncture, I don't know if you've had it.

But I've seen it on telly and they push those little needles in.

And obviously in the body, there's levels of "Ow. Ow."

And between "ow" there's sort of yum or sponge cake or something.

And they seem to push it in the sponge cake bit

so it doesn't hurt.

I saw it on the telly. I saw it on The Matrix.

And so I had it. I have a rotator cuff problem here.

My shoulder is all kind of fucked up.

Because in the rotator cuff, you got four muscles.

You got supraspinatus.

You got

Uh, the long twangy one.

But they're all blue and red.

You've seen those ones. They're all blue and red.

Except one is green with a white band around it.

That's the earth.

And then you tug that in.

And then you plug your arm

into the wall or something like that.

Anyway, so I had acupuncture,

because I've had steroids and that seemed bad.

Didn't work. So I had acupuncture

and pushed the needle in,

and it felt like a small needle being pushed into my arm.

That's not "ow". It's kind of "ugh."

But 30 of them equals "Ow!"

And I couldn't look at it 'cause it looked like I swallowed a hedgehog.

So, then I went and had an MRI.

You go into this tube thing, it's like going into a coffin

with some steel band playing on your head.

That was hellish. Then I had a CAT scan.

He didn't know what he was doing.

So I gave it to the dog and that was about it.

No, but dentistry, the interesting thing,

we only seem to have Western dentistry.

No Eastern dentistry, is there?

It's just Western. I mean, there must be some Eastern stuff,

but the Western is basically torture.

Still in the torture field.

It's still those two noises

when you went to the dentist when you were a kid.

Just a dentist talking.

"Haven't seen you in a while."

"Haven't seen you since the other day."

"He's a fine young lad, let's drill his face off, shall we?"

And they start softly-softly catchy monkey

with "Ah, right. We're gonna do a little X-ray there.

"We're gonna put a machine up to your face.

"Okay, this is not dangerous at all.

"I'm just going to go to the Bahamas for a second.

"I've left my cat in the fridge there.

"And no, maybe not. I'll come back.

"What did you say? Your face feels a little drippy?

Well, that's okay.

Little runny, does it?

Maybe you're a hunter-gatherer. There you go.

Okay. Now when they put the X-ray on that thing,

that's when it all gets...

Because we don't know what it looks like.

It's just, "Ah, there you see. That's decay."

What? That's my skull, isn't it?

"No, that's..." "What?"

"No, the black bit."

"Well, that's my skull. That's my whole head."

"Yes, we're going to have to drill your head off."

We don't know how to... They can just say anything.

"Ah, you see there. You've lost your nose."

"What?"

"You've got no teeth.

"You're a monkey, basically."

"What are you going on about?"

"We're going to have to..."

And then they start with a little bit of pokey pokey,

little bit of mirror mirror on the wall,

which tooth has got to fall?

And pokey, pokey, pokey with that pokey thing.

Pokey, pokey, pokey, pokey.

Then they do that code.

2-T-L-9-4-7

T-S-1, Alpha, Charlie, Bravo, Tango, Foxtrot,

two thousand feet over a monkey's head.

It all means something. First tooth strong, solid.

Maybe I could dislodge it if I knock it.

Oh, some equipment. Second tooth, good.

But bleeding around the gums,

the thin white towel of death must be used

to saw down the edge and make it fall out.

Like the block of the Berlin Wall.

That would be nice.

The third tooth, decay is around the edges.

"The decay that I planted last time has taken hold.

"Looks like we're going to have to drill.

"Yee-haw! Gonna drill!

"Whoo, fire it up, Nurse.

"I'm gonna drill his face off."

They become like bad carpenters.

Nurse, could you put your finger in his mouth.

"Hang on. You haven't got it plugged in. You're just making the noises."

"Right, rinse."

"Where's the button?

"Why do you have to press the button with this thing?

"Why can't I press the fucking button?

"What? The pressure is about the bloody red stuff.

"Just turn it on."

It's like they dole that stuff out.

Then he goes, "Right, I've drilled your face off.

"You've got stumps for teeth.

"I'm gonna screw in some new ones.

"They're the new titanium teeth. They screw them in.

"And they're sponsored by the makers of Scrabble.

"So they've got letters and numbers on them.

"So there we go, top row is 'fantastically.'

"It's 41 points. Bottom row 'fuck me baby.'

"Seventy-one points.

"If you smile, it should happen."

Just it's, all drilling.

There's just no invention, everything new.

We've got a better drill, faster drill.

Can't they just make them quiet?

It's all...

All that fuckin'...

My dentist said recently,

He was a nice guy. He said, "It's got a water blower.

"It blows plaque off your teeth."

I thought "Fantastic."

"But it blows it at the speed of sound,

"and therefore it feels like 72 daggers."

Even one dentist said, "I've got this cream,

"I'll rub it on your teeth. Tell me where it hurts.

I go, "Ah, that hurts, ah, that hurts."

"What is this?" "This is just a hurty cream.

"It just hurts."

Who wants to be... Who wants to be...

A dentist.

I'm gonna finish up tonight so we can all go home.

I'm gonna finish up tonight...

I just want to mention something on horses.

Because when I was a kid, I did horse riding,

as probably some of you did.

But I have found out recently that we didn't.

What we experienced was horses doing child wearing.

Yes, it's true.

They've got a footage of it on a documentary

called "What horses do."

And the horses go "Yes, I've joined the stable."

And they provide you with children.

They have their own straps and everything.

And they go up the hills and they eat the grass

and drink the water. Just trot around, nothing fast.

And the kids are exercising there.

They tickle you in the ribs and you can bite their feet.

You come back to the stables, they remove the children

and they burn them, I believe.

Or some of them they take to airplanes

and make them cry with forks.

It's just that's why I couldn't get this fucking horse going.

"Come on, you fucking... Go."

I mean, that wasn't a Western to me

with my black bobble hat on.

Steve McQueen was never in a black bobble hat

with a yellow roll neck jumper.

I wasn't cool. I looked like a dickhead.

I wanted danger. The wind in my hair,

not the wind in my black bobble hat.

Crappiest hat in the world.

I hated it.

I mean, fox hunting. There's a big fox hunting thing.

There's this argument in Britain about fox hunting.

And they obviously hunt the foxes

'cause the foxes attack chickens.

And posh people have an alliance with chickens,

just like in the First World War.

If chickens get invaded by foxes...

Because they go to the same clubs.

"Yes, I know."

"Yes, I went there, it was very sunny."

"You lost your head?"

"But how did you get home?"

"Oh, really? That's very funny."

Didn't even have to do a punch line, see.

So they charge in.

They find the fox. "Mr. Fox, you must be cold.

"How would you wish to die?"

"By lethal injection would be the safest

"and most painless way."

"How would you like to be ripped apart by dogs?"

"I'd really rather not."

And they get the dead fox and they get small children.

"There you go, little Johnny.

"Rub your face in the dead bloody body there."

"Thank you, Father.

"I will never be fucked up by this.

"This won't fuck me in any way.

"I hope to grow up to be a member of the aristocracy

"and not be odd at all."

But anyway, horses are trained. They're trained by people.

People with whips.

"Walk on, go!

Sheep dogs as well. "Whoop!

Horse whisperers. You've heard of horse whisperers.

They're very touchy-feely.

Very much from the, "Oh, there boy. There, there."

Horses going, "What?"

"I said...

"No, I can't. Could you speak up?"

Horse whisperers aren't...

It's horse shouters who are the better trainers.

"Walk out, walk forward, Walk, you. Walk forward.

"Stop or I shoot you with a gun."

But anyway, with all this horse training, I got a western.

I got cast in a western last year

Cast in a bloody western. Fantastic.

Knowing how to do a black bobble hat and like that.

"Can you ride?" "Like an amazing person.

"Oh, you should see me ride."

Use that one. That's good.

Goes both ways.

"You're good at riding?" "You should see me ride."

No.

So I did. It was in a French western.

It's called Blueberry. It's out in February in Paris.

I'm a German cowboy. It's English speaking.

It's like a spaghetti western, it's a baguette-y western.

That's the similarity.

It's not supposed to be funny. It's just, you know...

So next thing I know, I'm in Mexico,

three months on horses.

First day, me, Michael Madsen,

Mexican actor called Antonio on horses.

And I'm going... "I could be trit-trotting at this.

"I'm a big bad-ass."

"Go." Stupid hat.

I thought "I better make this horse...

"Make sure to give him a bit of a kick."

Get the spurs off, give him a bit of a...

Because the spurs go clank-clank. Pretty good.

So, I'm on the horse, they say, "What do you do?

"You say your lines,

"And then you go 'Ha!'

"The horses go off, gallop out of frame.

"And we'll shout cut when we've got enough."

Okay, thanks.

Michael Madsen over there. Everything's quiet.

None of us are good on horses though.

The horses are all just...

At one point, Antonio's horse was facing the other way around.

I thought, "My God, he's either brilliant on a horse,

"or he's not."

"Okay, action!"

"Hey!

"Chiricahua! We must get out of here.

"Head to those mountains over there."

"Okay, here we go.

"Ha!"

About 160 miles an hour.

I was not trying to touch him with the spurs.

I was trying to ride like this.

This was a huge Mexican horse.

Can't hear cut.

Can't hear fucking anything.

This horse is just going.

It's in the north of Mexico.

He's going up to the U.S. border.

Then we're at the U.S. border.

They go, "Hey, hold it there."

"You can't come in here. Where were you born?

"Yemen."

Then I remember, turn him in a circle.

That slows him down.

Oh, fuck!

Canadian border. "Hey, you can't..." "Just hang on."

I got a gun.

Then I remember sharks.

Ah, the fire brigade.

Into the fire brigade house. Up the slidey pole.

Whee!

And I made my escape from the horse.

Anyway, that is all from me,

here tonight in Eastbourne.

Thank you very much for being here.

It's good to be back. Thank you.

Basically wondering if it's a very slow striptease here.

Yes, stripper libraries.

That's what we want, isn't it?

You think of libraries, people don't go there.

But if it was a stripper library,

kids will be going, "Yeah, I'd like a book on...

"On anything."

"How about the Etruscans?" "Yeah, the Etruscans.

"Yeah, elephant book, great.

"They have big tusks.

"Fuckin' hell.

"Where's she gone? I was going to give her a quid.

"I was going to put a quid coin in her G-string."

Anyway. How far can we go with this one.

I've never been to a strip club,

but I've heard that people put clothes on or something,

and then they... I'm not sure.

All right, finish up.

To finish up, I'm going to do my latest bad impression.

Yes, sir. Now, my impressions are incredibly bad.

They've been known throughout the state of China as well.

Good impressionists just do somebody's voice and you go

"It's Steve McQueen It's Robert De Niro."

I tend to tell everyone who I'm going to do, to help,

and explain that it might not sound like them.

Christopher Walken

as done by someone else.

I did A Day in the Death of Joe Eggon Broadway.

and an actor named Michael Gaston was in that,

and he had done Shakespeare with Christopher Walken.

I didn't know Chris Walken did Shakespeare.

So Michael did this impression, and I nicked this off Michael,

and he knows about that.

But Chris Walken doing Iago in Othello...

"Yeah, yeah...

"Uh, Othello, your wife,

"you should kill her with a pillow. Ah!

"She's... She's crazy.

"Oh... Uh..."

Or even, "To be or not to be, oh, it's a question.

'Tis nobler... suffer...

"You know, slings and arrows and shit.

"Uh, now is the winter of our discontent."

"It's, uh, a glorious summer by this sun of York.

"All the clouds that lour'd..."

That's going a bit off Christopher Walken.

"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

"You know, it's a petty place. It goes on.

"This watch, It's your father's watch.

"It's your grandfather's watch.

"It's your birthright. It's, uh..."

"It's your daddy's. He was shot down over Hanoi.

"He was in a prison camp. It's your watch. It's your right.

"No slant eyes are going to get their hands on the watch.

"What does he do with the watch?

"He puts it in one place... Up his ass.

"He puts it up his ass.

"Five long years, this watch up his ass.

"He dies of watch in ass disease.

"Give me the watch.

"I got watch in ass syndrome.

"It's your watch. You can wear it.

"Wear it but don't put it up your ass.

"Wear it on your wrist. Don't lick it."

Anyway, thank you very much. Good night.