Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: With the stars...

and...

Hi, Alice.

Hi, Trix.

Alice, here's that can

of corned beef hash you wanted.

Oh, thanks, Trix.

Awful nice of you to pick it up for me.

Oh, sure.

Say, Alice...

have you done any marketing down at Kraus' lately?

Oh, I guess so, why?

Well, Kraus' youngest kid is working there now,

and is he ever fresh.

He thinks just 'cause his father owns the place,

he can say anything.

Well, what happened?

Well, I walked in there today

and I asked him, "How much is your chopped meat?"

And you know what he said to me?

"58 cents a pound, sweetie pie."

Gee, that is fresh.

Why didn't you tell old man Kraus about it?

I did, and you know what he said?

"Don't worry, I'll take care of it, honey."

Oh, I'm telling you, Alice, ever since the war,

these butchers don't know how to treat a woman with respect.

Oh, and speaking of someone not treating a woman with respect,

my Ed will be home any minute.

Oh, Trix.

I gotta get up there and fix his supper.

Oh, Alice, I almost forgot what I wanted to ask you.

Look, while Ralph and Ed are away

on the Racoon convention,

why don't you come upstairs and stay with me?

Oh, thanks, Trix, but I already told my mother

I'd stay over there with her.

Oh.

Gee, I wish just once

the fellas would take us along on a convention.

Oh, not that I care anything about those silly old Racoons,

but it'd be nice to go to Minneapolis

and get away from here for awhile.

Well, you can just forget about that, Trix.

Every year we ask them and every year they refuse.

I know.

I don't suppose I can force Ed into taking me.

After all, he saved up his own money out of his allowance.

He's got almost $50.

- No! -How much did Ralph save?

About 50 cents.

It'll be the usual thing.

Any night now, he'll be coming home asking me

to give him the money to go.

But, Alice, that puts you in the driver's seat.

Don't give it to him unless he takes you along.

Oh, no, Trix. I made up my mind.

Ralph would rather not go than take me with him.

And I've been able to save some money

out of the housekeeping, you know,

so I figured he's been working pretty hard this year,

and if this is his idea of fun, well, he deserves it.

Well, all I know is if I were in your shoes,

he wouldn't get the money unless I went along.

Well, I'm sort of inclined to agree with you, Trix.

But no, I've made up my mind.

I'm going to tell him as soon as he gets home tonight.

Well...

Hey, there.

Hi, Ed.

Well, what do you say there, Alice?

Well, Trixie, I figured that you'd be down here.

Why aren't you upstairs making my supper?

Oh, Ed, I was just going up.

Hey, Alice, why don't you come up with me?

I'm going to call Mildred about the card game tonight,

and with you there, we could settle everything.

Oh, okay.

Uh, if you don't mind, Alice,

I'll hang around on the premises here

-and wait till Ralph gets home. -All right, Ed.

Uh, by the way, what is for supper?

Chopped meat.

Oh.

- Oh, and that reminds me, Ed. -What?

You know that young Kraus kid

that's working downstairs for his father now?

- Yeah? -Boy, has he got some nerve.

I walked in there today and asked him,

"How much is your chopped meat?"

- And you know what he said? -What?

"58 cents a pound, sweetie pie."

Boy, oh boy. You're not going in that shop again.

I don't blame you for getting mad.

What a nerve.

58 cents a pound for chopped meat!

Ed!

I was referring to him calling me "sweetie pie."

Well, what do you want him to call you, "lover lips"?

He hardly knows you.

Ed!

Oh, come on, Alice.

Goa go'

(whistling tune)

What are you doing?

Wait, be right with you.

Now, uh, what was that all about?

Oh, I was just, uh, setting my watch.

You mean to tell me you can look at the sun and set your watch?

What do you mean, "look at the sun and set my watch"?

I set my watch by the Chinese restaurant.

It opens at 5:00 p.m. every day.

You don't believe me, do you?

I can tell by the way you're looking at me

you don't believe me.

I can tell you the time

all night long just by that Chinese restaurant.

For instance...

they start cooking the egg foo yung at 5:26.

The first whiffs of that reach my apartment window upstairs

at about, oh, 5:28.

And they reach your window at about 5:27 and 56 seconds.

It's a known fact that the aroma of egg foo yung

rises at the rate of 320 feet per second.

Now, moo goo gai pan,

which is of a heavier consistency,

travels upwards at a slower rate.

They start making that at about 5:37.

Sometimes somebody comes in, orders the family dinner,

then I'm completely thrown.

I don't ever know what time it is. (chuckles)

Wouldn't it be much easier if you bought a new watch?

No, why? Nothing wrong with my watch.

All it needs is a new main spring.

I just got to find a guy to fix it.

I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney tonight.

- Well? -Well.

What you got there? What?

I stopped off at the novelty store,

and bought a few things to take with me on the convention.

I'm telling you, Norton, I'm going to be a riot.

- Get a load of this stuff. -What have you got?

Get a load of this. Now this is a trick camera.

- How's that work? -Well, you ask somebody

if they want to have their picture taken.

They say "yes," and they start to pose,

and then you just push the plunger

and they get a face full of water.

(both laugh)

What else you got?

Here. I got a box full of cherry bombs.

Oh, they're great.

You know what a racket they make when they go off.

- Sure, ba-boom. -Here's a buzzer.

You put it on your finger, you know, shake hands with somebody.

- They get a shock. -Yeah.

- This'll kill everybody. -Yeah, sure.

Oh, I bought a couple of false faces, too.

I got one for you. This is for scaring people.

Oh! Hey, look at these.

Hey, wait a minute. Let me see that.

I'd like to borrow one of these.

No, I'll borrow this one here.

- See, because I want to wear it. -Why that one?

Well, I want to wear it down in the sewer tomorrow,

you know, just for laughs.

That one looks just like my boss,

and he'll get his feelings hurt.

He'll think I'm making fun of him.

What else, what else?

- Oh, here's a fake box of candy. -Oh.

You know, you say, "Have a piece of candy" to someone,

they grab the box and...

(laughs)

Get a load of that.

I don't know, it's kind of subtle.

I don't think they'll get it.

They really come out of there, don't they?

Yeah.

- Pick those up. -Sure.

And here is the piece de resistance.

What?

These are just the right consistency.

Bags for filling with water

and dropping out of the hotel windows.

Oh, boy!

Hey, remember last year at the convention

when the cops were cracking down

on people, you know, that were throwing bags full of water out?

- Yeah. -Didn't stop me none.

Boy, I just got the paper bag, filled it full of water,

one, two, three. Let it ride!

What happened?

I almost drowned-- the window was closed.

Well, with you doing it, that figures.

Boy, are we gonna have fun this year at the convention?

A regular ball.

Hey, I saved up some money, I know that.

I got about 50 bucks. What about you?

Well, uh, I haven't any money yet.

But I know where to get some.

Good day, sir, very nice to have met you.

Wait a minute!

I don't mean you, Norton.

I'm gonna get it from Alice.

You're gonna get it from Alice?

Yeah. And I'm gonna get it tonight, too.

Look, every year you try the same thing.

You ask Alice for money, and she turns you down.

Well, she's not gonna turn me down this year

because I have a plan that can't miss.

(clears throat)

I have heard that phrase turned before.

May 3rd, 1953...

Ralph Kramden in search for money

for capital, to enter his no-cal pizzeria.

Says, "I have a surefire plan of getting the money.

It can't fail."

Alice Kramden says, "No." Unquote.

All things are as they were then, except you are there...

Oh, shut up!

Don't worry, I'm not gonna miss this time,

because I'm making the supreme sacrifice.

What do you mean?

Well, I've figured it out.

There's only one way for me to get the money.

I'm going to take Alice on the convention with me.

You are what?

I know how you feel, Norton, but what am I going to do?

It's the only way I can get the dough.

I got to take her with me.

Now, wait a minute, Ralph.

Don't-Don't-Don't ask Alice,

because if you do that, Trixie will make me take her.

Well, I'll have Alice.

But I don't want to take Trixie!

She was away with me once on a trip.

Boy, she was on my neck all the time, nagging.

I couldn't go bowling, I couldn't shoot pool.

She just ruined everything.

When was that?

On our honeymoon!

I just got to do it, that's all.

Hiya, Ralph.

- Hello, Alice. -Oh, hi, Alice.

What's all this stuff on the table, Ralph?

Oh, I went down to the novelty store,

and bought this stuff for the convention.

And speaking of the convention...

I got something I'd like to tell you.

Oh, Ralph, I have something I want to tell you, too.

I've been thinking the whole thing over.

Oh, wait. It'll wait. It'll wait,

until I tell you what I have to tell you,

and is it a surprise.

Ralph, what I'm gonna tell you is going

to be a big surprise to you, too.

Now, please let me tell you.

I don't care how big a surprise it is.

What I have to tell you is going to be an even bigger surprise.

- Ralph... -Please sit down.

All right, Ralph, what is it?

Alice...

I would like to have the honor and privilege

of having you accompany me

on the Racoon convention to Minneapolis this year.

Ralph!

You mean you want me to go with you?

(chuckles) I don't mean anything else.

But all of those other years, Ralph,

you never wanted to take me.

That's when I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life.

A man can't have any fun at a convention

unless he takes his wife along!

Right, Norton?

Uh, yeah...

Well, what is your answer?

Are you sure you really want me to go, Ralph?

What other reason could I have for asking?

Oh, then I'd love to go.

All right, fine.

Now get the money you got hid, so we can make the plans.

Well, it's in the bedroom, Ralph.

The top drawer of the dresser.

Oh, all right.

Say, what was the big surprise you were gonna to tell me?

Well, I guess it's not so much of a surprise now, Ralph.

You see, then I didn't know

that you wanted me to go to the convention with you.

But I'd already decided

to give you the money to go to the convention by yourself.

Oh...

What?!

I'd already decided to give you the money

to go to the convention by yourself.

Oh, we're going to have such a wonderful time, Ralph.

I tell you what. I'll go in and get the money,

and you sit down here and figure out

exactly what we're going to need.

Well, we're gonna have a lot of laughs

at this convention with the wives along.

I have a feeling that I may replace you

as poster boy during "National Nut Week."

Will you tell me one thing, please?

How do you get us into these fixes?

Very simple.

Very simple, Norton.

I have a big mouth!

CONDUCTOR: All aboard!

Board!

I found it! It's upper three and lower three.

NORTON (in distance): Hey, Ralph! Where are you?

Right down here!

(Norton chattering, muffled)

(Ralph screams)

What is the matter with you?

- What? -What are you trying to do,

give me a heart attack or something?

Running in here, wearing that mask.

Having a little fun, that's all.

I wanted to try it out,

-see how it works. -All right, have fun!

But wait till we get to Minneapolis.

- We'll be there tomorrow. -Yeah.

Oh, another thing.

What?

What happened to you in the station?

I looked all over for you.

Oh, I stopped at a...

one of those novelty counters there

in the station, you know, I got some more stuff.

Boy, I got a lot of good stuff, you know.

Never mind that, where are the girls?

- Huh? -I say, where are the girls?

I don't know. I thought they were with you.

What do you mean "with me"? I left them in the coffee shop.

Oh. Well, I don't know.

They're on the train, they're probably looking for us.

Well, we have nothing to worry about.

They got the tickets,

-they know where the berths are. -Certainly.

Let's get rid of the bags.

What time is it?

Eh... a quarter... Uh...

Come on, the train is getting ready to leave. ..

It stopped! I don't know what time it is.

Well, ask somebody and find out what time it is.

- Uh, conductor, pardon me. -Yes, sir?

Are there any Chinese restaurants in the station?

Will you stop that?!

We'd like to know what time it is.

Oh, certainly. Certainly.

Uh, just about 11:15.

We'll be pulling out any second now.

Pulling out any sec...?

- Wait a minute, conductor. -Yeah?

Did you happen to see our wives

as you were coming through the train?

Mine is a red-headed one, his is a blonde.

Mine is wearing a checkered coat,

and his has an imitation dyed rabbit fur coat on.

No, sir, I'm sorry. I haven't seen them.

Hey, they're liable to miss this train.

If they don't get here in a second,

we're a cinch to miss them.

Well, maybe they're on one of the other trains.

Hey, wouldn't that be terrible?

They'd have to wait until...

(laughs)

...tomorrow night to get another train to Minneapolis.

That would give us one whole free day at the convention.

(both laugh)

- Wouldn't that be terrible? -Yeah!

CONDUCTOR: All aboard! All aboard!

-(train chugging) -(bell clanging)

Hey, maybe they did really miss it.

What are you worrying about?

The worst thing that can happen

is they get the train tomorrow night for Minneapolis.

They've got their own tickets.

I guess you're right.

Well... let's get to bed, Norton.

Yeah.

Because tomorrow starts about five days of hilarity.

(chuckles)

You know, these conventions are certainly good.

You know, they give you freedom,

let yourself go for a couple of days.

- I know, I know. -Live it up. (laughs)

That's what I like.

Real, unbound fun.

Good, clean fun.

- Exactly. -(chuckles)

Well, let's get a good night's sleep.

Hey, look, look, look, look. I love these.

(both laugh)

Boy, what fun I'm gonna...

I'll walk along the streets in Minneapolis, see,

and tap somebody on the shoulder and say, "Pardon me."

They look around to see who it is and I go, "Boo!"

-(laughs) -Let me see those, huh?

Try them on for size.

They're all right at that.

- Give you a good effect. -Yeah.

(both laugh)

They're okay.

I got a lot of stuff here.

Gee, I wish I had a pair of these.

Take them, I'll get another pair.

I know the guy that makes them.

Oh, thank you.

I got these rubber marshmallows.

- You know, the trick kind. -Yeah, yeah.

(laughs)

I got these here, uh... trick handcuffs.

Hey, is that Alice?

Where?

- No. -Oh.

What did you say you had?

Oh, these-- trick handcuffs.

You know, you put them on your wrists, see,

then you get out of them without using no key.

You just go like this, you go "boomf."

And you're right out of them.

Well, that doesn't sound like a great deal of fun to me--

sitting in a hotel room all day going "boomf."

No, no. You don't get the idea of it.

I put it on one of my wrists, see, like this.

Now watch.

Bring it out here, see.

No key, no key.

Then I go up to some other fellow and say,

"Let me have your wrist, please."

Then I put it on like this, see.

Now I let it go on there for a while,

we're yakking it up a little,

pretty soon he gets a little panicky, you know.

He's, "Well, let's get them off.

So, I start looking for the key, you know,

like there's a key to it.

But there ain't no key, you know.

So I'm looking all over,

and then he gets real good and panicky, you know,

'cause he's handcuffed.

So, I'm starting to look, and when he gets real scared,

then I just go "boomf," and they're off.

(chuckles)

And that's supposed to be funny?

Oh, yeah.

Personally, I think the bulging eyes are much funnier

-than the handcuffs. -You do?

Now would you mind saying "boomf,"

and let us get out of here?

All right.

Boomf!

Come on. Say "boomf" and get me out.

Boomf, boomf!

You're not "boomfing" right, Norton.

I'm "boomfing" right.

Watch how's the way you "boomf."

Let's do it together now.

One, two, three...

- Boomf! -Boomf!

All right, I had enough of the "boomfing,"

now get the key out and open them up.

There ain't no key.

You got to "boomf" your way out.

I'll "boomf" you out of the whole car!

Now, come on, "boomf" me out of these.

I don't understand it! It worked with the clerk!

At the thing, "One, two, three, boomf," and we were out of it.

Just wait a minute. Just be calm, take it easy.

- Have a marshmallow. -Thank you.

What's the matter with you?!

Don't pull any tricks on me!

They work good, don't they? (laughs)

Very funny.

- Now wait a minute. Wait a minute. -Come on.

Maybe I could step on it and stamp it out, force it.

Get your foot out of there, Norton.

Get it out of there!

Get your foot out of there!

I can't get it out.

There we go. There you are.

Now, look, Norton...

I'm going to give you one more "boomf,"

and you'd better get me out of these handcuffs.

All right.

One...

two, three...

boomf.

All right, that's all.

Now, look, let's get to bed.

When we get to Minneapolis tomorrow,

we'll get a hacksaw and we'll get out

-of the handcuffs. -Okay.

Guess we'll have to...

Yes, we'll both have to sleep in the bottom berth.

Get those bags out of the way.

Why does this have to happen to me?

Get in there.

Don't pull, don't pull, don't pull!

Don't pull, you're knocking my teeth out!

Good night.

Night.

Uh, Ralph...

What is it?

Uh, kind of hot sleeping with a jacket on.

I'd like to take it off.

Why does this always have to happen to me?

(clears throat)

I, uh... wonder what went wrong.

I guess we'll just have to sleep with our jackets on.

Now get in there!

All right.

Want to give it another "boomf"?

Get in there.

Now watch out for my teeth.

Yes.

Ralph?

What is it now?

You... you mind if I sleep on the outside?

I don't like to sleep on the inside.

I got claustrophobia.

All right, go ahead.

Now, climb over slowly.

- Ow! -Ow!

You're breaking my arm!

You're on my coat.

- Now will you go to sleep? -Yeah.

(clears throat)

Uh...

Ralph...

Oh, Ralph.

What do you want, Norton?

I, uh...

I can't sleep on my back very well.

Get up! Get up!

Get up. Get up.

You can't sleep on your back?

- No, I can't. -Get up there!

- Get up! -Here?

Get up!

Get on your stomach!

(chuckles): Hey, look!

Never mind that!

Lean your arm over.

Reach down a little.

Reach up a little.

(chuckles): Hey...

I wonder where the girls are.

I wonder if they really missed the train.

You know, if they did, I'm glad they did.

Because if they were along, they'd be nothing but trouble.

Will you shut up and go to sleep!

Hey, uh... Ralph?

What?

Mind if I smoke?

I don't care if you burn.

(clears throat)

Uh... do you have a cigarette?

No, I don't have a cigarette.

Uh, there are some

in one of my suitcases, right underneath your bunk.

Would you mind getting me one?

All right.

- Get down. Get down. -Huh? Down?

- Get down! -Down.

Get down.

All right.

Get under there.

Get them out.

- Yeah, sure. -Get them out.

Hurry UP-

All right, now I want to ask you a question.

- What? -You got the cigarettes?

- Oh, yeah. -All right now.

I want you to go up there, but before you go,

I want to know a few things.

- Are you thirsty? -No.

- Are you hungry? -No.

- Everything's fine? -Sure.

Okay.

Now that I've asked you that, get up there.

Get up there.

Good night, Norton.

Night.

Ow!

Ralph...

you forgot to ask me one thing:

Did I want a match?

All right!

Get down! Get down!

Now look! This is the end!

Gentlemen, gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?

What seems to be the trouble?

I'll tell you what the trouble is!

First of all, he makes my wife

and his own wife miss the train

'cause he can't keep an eye on them!

Then he gets in here, puts handcuffs on my wrist!

That isn't enough!

I ask him if he wants a drink of water. No!

I ask him if he wants something to eat. No!

He doesn't want anything until he gets up there!

And then he wants a match!

And on top of everything,

I got to be handcuffed to this idiot

all the way to Minneapolis!

Minneapolis?

Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis.

We're going in the other direction, to Norfolk, Virginia.