All language subtitles for 31.On.stage

ANNOUNCER:
With the stars...

and...

Well...

How you doing with
the work there, Mr. Treasurer?

Fine. What are you
doing down here?

Ah, I told Trixie
I'd pick her up here.

By the way, is the women's
auxiliary meeting over yet?

Every five minutes, they're
calling me to go in there

and listen to one of
their crazy suggestions.

Why, what kind
of suggestions they got?

Oh, something about,

they want to put on
a show and sell tickets

and that way the lodge
can get money. Hah.

Well, now,
wait a minute, Ralph.

That ain't such a bad idea,
you know.

Are you kidding?

If the Racoon Lodge
put on a play,

the only way they
would make money

is to let everybody in free,

and then charge them to get out.

Well, listen, all I know

is I heard
some pretty good things

about that Faversham guy
in there.

He's put on a lot of shows

for various organizations,
made a lot of money.

And besides, he told Trixie

that a lot of those gals
in there

have got pretty good
acting talent.

Oh, that's a lot of baloney.

Sure, he tells them that,

because he wants to put on a
show and make a buck himself.

I went in there, though,
and I made a little speech.

I said, "Look, I'm the treasurer
of this organization,

"and I'll take care of all
the financial troubles.

"L have all the answers,

I will solve all the problems."

How you going to do it?

I haven't the slightest idea.

I know one thing.

If this lodge doesn't
get some money soon,

there isn't going
to be a lodge.

Did you hear what
happened yesterday?

What?

The Acme Finance Company

come in and took out
the pool table.

Day before that, they come in,

took out the television set
and the phonograph.

And the day before that,

they come in and
took out the piano.

Hmm.

What are we going
to do, Norton?

Well, we could hold our meetings
at the Acme Finance Company.

(chuckles)

I should know better

than to discuss
anything with you.

You know, you know,
you know, you know,

I just got one question
to ask you, that's all.

I'd just like to ask you,
as the treasurer,

I'd like to ask you
this question.

Why don't we have
any money in the treasury?

It boils down to one thing:

Nobody will pay their dues.

That's what I'm doing right now.

I'm writing a strong letter
to every member.

Go ahead.

(single key clacks)

(single key clacks)

Boy, like a whiz you're going.

By the time the members
get these letters here,

the way you're typing,

they'll owe another
three months' dues.

I suppose, wise guy,

you can type a little
faster than I can?

With boxing gloves on.

Here, tell me what to write.

- I'll dictate. Go ahead.
-All right, wise guy.

Sit down, I'll dictate,
you type.

Sure.

All right, start out with,

"Dear Brother Racoons.

The fact of the matter is this."

Come on with the thing!

Go.

"Brother Racoons.

The fact of the matter is..."

Go on!

Where did you learn
to type that fast?

When I got out of the navy,

I studied typing
under the G.l. Bill

and I happened to be
the best in the class.

Well, why didn't you
get a job in the office

instead of taking a job
down in the sewer?

Well, I just couldn't
stand the thought

of being cooped up
in a stuffy office, that's all.

Dictate.

All right,
"Dear Brother Racoons.

The fact of the matter is this."

I need a strong line
to start with.

Something that will
grab their attention

as soon as they pick up
the letter to read it.

Eh...

Hey, how about, "Greetings!"

"Greetings"?

Yeah, the draft board
did pretty good with that one.

Never mind, I got
a better idea.

I won't sent a letter.

I'll call everybody up
individually on the telephone.

- Pack this stuff up.
-All right.

Uh, reverse the charges.

(groans)

Oh...

- Hiya, Ed.
-Hi, Alice.

This is Mr. Faversham,
Mr. Norton.

- How do you do?
-How do you do, Mr. Norton?

- Where's Ralph?
-Oh, he's out there

making some very important
phone calls to the members.

Oh, do you think
you could get him

to come in here
for a minute, Ed?

Mr. Faversham wants to see him,
and it's important.

I'll do what I can.

Pardon.

All right.

I'm afraid you're
wasting your time.

Ralph is never going
to change his mind

about the lodge
putting on a play.

Mrs. Kramden,
I have every confidence

that the lodge will make money.

And, in fact, I thought
of a way of convincing Ralph,

not only
of becoming part of the lodge

and not only
of okaying the play,

but being in it himself.

Oh, you'll never get
Ralph to be in it.

I just saw him in action

when he made that speech
out there.

He isn't exactly the shy,
retiring type.

No, I should say not.

Just give Ralph a party
and a room full of people

and he's the first
person to do a hula

with a lampshade on his head.

But doing a play with
the ladies' auxiliary

is a different matter, you know.

Well, I think
maybe I can get him to do it.

Well, I wish you luck. I don't
know how you're going to do it,

but you probably want to
talk to him alone, so...

I'll go back to the meeting,

and I'll keep my fingers
crossed for you.

Look, Mr. Faversham,

if you're here to try
to talk me into doing a play,

it's out of the question!
Out of the question!

That is perfect.
Perfect!

What's perfect?

The way you entered this room.

The way you spoke those words.

Mr. Kramden,
you have great command.

Why... Mr. Kramden,
let me tell you something.

For years I've been looking
for an actor like you.

I've seen actors,
worked with them for years,

and they don't even know how
to make an entrance like that.

That so?

Would you do me a favour?

Would you go out
and come in again?

And speak those same words

with that same wonderful,
natural quality?

For me, please?

If you want me to do it
that bad, I'll be glad to.

Mr. Faversham.

If you are going to try
to talk me into doing a play,

it is out of the question.

Out of the question!

Great. Simply great.

I knew I was right.

Mr. Kramden, you have
a magnificent stage presence.

And that voice.

Mr. Norton,
did you notice when he came in

how his voice
filled this room?

I... I did notice that the
room got a little crowded.

I didn't realize
it was his voice.

You know, Mr. Kramden,
it's hard for me to believe

that you haven't had
previous acting experience.

Well, I have to confess,
Mr. Faversham.

I did appear on the stage
before,

in the 1 949
Frolics of the Bus Drivers.

I played all the comedy stuff
in the show.

As a matter of fact,
as soon as I come on

they started laughing,
screaming.

I didn't even do anything yet.

That ballet dress you had on
didn't do you no harm.

But of course I realize
you wouldn't be interested

in a part in a wonderful play.

It... wouldn't change
your decision?

Oh, of course not.

Well, I certainly wish
that you would consider it,

-and give me the go-ahead.
- Well, I...

I have an open mind about it.

If you think you could convince
me by, uh, well, if you thought,

for instance,
that it would make money.

Oh, I'm sure it would.
I'm sure it would make money.

Then you have my okay.
Go as far as you like.

You won't be sorry, Mr. Kramden.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'll just tell the ladies
the good news.

Uh, uh, Mr. Faversham,
would you, uh...

just stay there,
just for a second, please?

Uh, I'm going to...

(imitates James Cagney):
Mr. Faversham,

if you have come to see me
about a play,

it's out of the question, see?

Now, wait a minute!
What are you doing?!

I'm auditioning for a part.

Oh, well, the auditions
will be later in the week.

We'll call you then,
Mr. Norton.

Oh.

Thank you very much.
Well, if you'll excuse me.

- I'll see you both later.
-Certainly, Mr. Faversham.

Hey, you know something?

You could... you could get to be
a big motion picture star.

Oh, don't be silly.
I'm only a bus driver.

What do you mean,
"Don't be silly,

you're only a bus driver"?

Did you ever stop to think
where Gregory Peck--

when they discovered him--

he was an usher out there
at Radio City Music Hall.

Kirk Douglas was jerking sodas.

Do you realize
in Clark Gable's first picture,

he was a bus driver?

Boy, all I know is
that someday I-l can say,

"I knew Ralph Kramden when."

There's only one thing
I want to ask you.

Just... just speak to me
when you're a big star.

Norton, if there's one thing

you should know about me
after all these years,

it's that I'm not
that type of person.

I've always followed
that old adage,

"Be kind to the people
you meet on the way up,

"because you're going
to meet the same people

on the way down."

Boy, how true.

How true,
how true those words are.

Boy, "Be kind to the people
you meet on the way up,

"'cause you're going
to meet the same people

on the way down."

Happens to me every day
in the sewer.

Come on.

Hi, Alice.

Alice.

Oh, Alice,
have I got wonderful news.

The show tonight
is a complete sell-out.

We just sold the last tickets.

Oh, that's wonderful, Trix!

Oh, I bet we even
have standing room.

You see, as soon
as word got around Bensonhurst

that Mr. Faversham's friend,
that Herbert J. Whiteside,

the big Hollywood producer,
was going to be in the audience,

the tickets just sold
like hotcakes.

Oh, that's marvelous.

Oh, I know, but you know what?
I heard something strange.

I heard that Ralph is taking
this acting real seriously.

Seriously?

Trixie, I'm willing to bet you
that every time he yells out,

"Step to the rear of the bus,"

he waits for applause.

Oh.

Well, Alice,
it'll all be over tonight.

But tell me, are you nervous?

Oh, I sure am.

You know, it's poor Ed
that I'm really worried about.

Now, he doesn't let on,
but he feels just awful.

He'd give anything
to be in the show tonight.

I know. It's too bad they
didn't find a part for him.

I must say he tried.

He auditioned for every part,

including that
of the upstairs maid.

You know, he might've gotten it
if he'd had nicer knees.

Well, don't worry about it,
Trix.

Ed'll get over it.

Oh, sure, he'll be all right.

I have returned, my dear.

Ralph...

Ralph, I really want
to wish you luck tonight.

Thank you, Trixie,
but talent doesn't need luck.

If you'll excuse me,
I'll be back in a moment.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I'm telling you, Trixie,

there's only one thing
that's got me worried.

If he's good tonight,

he's going to drive his bus
straight to Hollywood.

(chuckles)

Now, Alice,
don't let it upset you.

Like I said before,

this'll all be over
in the morning.

Hey, I gotta get upstairs.

But, look, I'll come back later,
honey, to wish you good luck.

- All right, Trix.
-Okay? Bye.

Bye-bye.

By the way, did you see

what was in
Earl Wilson's column today?

No, I didn't see it, Ralph.

It said that
Herbert J. Whiteside is in town

for the express purpose
of casting his picture

and that he's looking
for new faces.

Well, I hope he finds them.

Alice, don't you know
why Herbert J. Whiteside

is coming
to see our show tonight?

Ralph, he's coming to the show

because he's a friend
of Mr. Faversham's.

He's not going to find
any future stars

at the Racoon Lodge.

He's looking
for professional actors.

Well, now, that shows how much
you know about show business.

You're always talking
about something

you don't know anything about.

Just remember this:

that Gregory Peck was an usher
at the Music Hall, you know,

when they found him.

And Kirk Douglas
was a soda jerk.

So there's a chance for me.

Sure, you could become
an usher at the Music Hall

or a soda jerk.

You're not going to tear down
my confidence, Alice.

No matter what you do.

I got a little piece
of news for you.

It just so happens
that Mr. Faversham

thinks a great deal
of me personally.

As a matter of fact,
one night at rehearsal,

he said that I have something
that comes across the footlights

and reaches out
into the audience.

You certainly have.

(groans)

Hey. Hey, Ralph,
did you hear the news?

Joe Hannigan's got the flu.

He can't be
in the play tonight.

He's not going
to be in the play?

- No.
-That's impossible.

He's got a big speech
in the last act.

Well, what are we going to do?

Who's going to take his place?

(Norton clears throat)

Edward Norton,
thespian, to the rescue.

Are you crazy?

You don't fit Hannigan's part.

Maybe not,
but I fit Hannigan's costume.

I will not go on tonight.

Oh, Ralph,
what are you talking about?

Look, how do they expect me
to give a finished performance

when they throw inexperienced
actors in at the last minute?

How dare Hannigan get the flu.

How can he do this to me?

Ralph, look,
I-l been studying...

I've been studying the script
and the speech

and I know it pretty good
by now.

If you just give me a chance,
I promise, I'll do my very best.

Of course you will, Ed,
and you'll be just fine.

Look, we can rehearse
the scene right now.

Ed, do you understand
the situation?

Uh, oh, yeah, let me see now.

Ralph is a self-made,
rich man,

who can get anything
in the world he wants,

excepting you.

I am Hamilton Douglas,
a young devil-may-care fellow,

without a cent
or a worry in the world.

Uh, and you turn Ralph down
to go away with me.

Now, how are we going to get
an audience to believe that?

Ralph, it's perfectly
all right.

At the end of the play,
I come back to you.

Well, they'll believe that.

Now, look, we don't have to go
through the whole scene.

Let's just do where
you propose to me again

just before Hamilton's entrance.

- All right?
-Yeah.

Here, Ralph.

Yeah, l-I'll hold
the script, too.

Now...

Are you ready, Ralph?

NORTON:
Go.

(affected voice):
Rachel?

Won't you reconsider?

Frederick,

you're being unfair.

When I said
that I would come over,

you promised me

that you would not ask
that question again.

I don't understand you,
Rachel.

You can have everything
you ever dreamed of.

I built this magnificent home
with just you in mind.

All these furnishings,
all these works,

I collected from castles
and palaces in Europe.

Please, Frederick.

Come here, my dear.

Look out there, Rachel.

Say yes,
and all that is yours.

(Norton laughing)

Now, what are you laughing at?!

What does Rachel want

with a Chinese restaurant
and a pizzeria?

I quit!

Come on, Ralph, come back here.

We'll start right from
where we left off.

Come on, we have
to rehearse the scene.

Come on.

Now, do it right.

Frederick,
you're a wonderful man

and I'm very fond of you.

But I... I love Hamilton.

Are you sure?

Yes.

All right, call him in.

No fighting, please.

I'm a fighter, Rachel...

but I'm also humble
and a good loser.

Hamilton, come in.

Frederick understands.

Hamilton, you're a lucky man.

You've got the greatest woman
in the world.

Be good to her.

Oh, if I didn't think
I could make her happy,

I would never have told her
that I love her.

After all, love and happiness
is all I have to offer her.

I don't possess a mansion,
a villa in France,

a yacht, or a string
of "poloponese."

I'm glad to hear...

"String of poloponese"?

Where do you see that?

Right there.
"A string of poloponese."

That's a string of polo ponies!

That's all, I'm finished.

Well, it isn't my fault

they put the words
close together.

I'm finished!

- Now, Ralph...
-I can't go on with this.

Ralph, Ed'll be perfectly
all right in the part.

Look, Ed,
why don't you just go upstairs

and practice by yourself
for a while?

- Okay?
-Yeah, yeah.

"Love and happiness
are all I have to offer her.

I don't possess a mansion."

I can't do it with him,
I tell ya.

He makes me blow
higher than a kite.

- Ralph, will you please relax?
-I can't relax.

I don't even know if I know
the ending or anything.

All right, Ralph, if
you're nervous about that,

we'll do the ending right now.

We'll rehearse it now.

We'll start from where
I come back to you.

Where am I?

You sit right here
in this chair. You know.

And I come in.

Wait a minute now,
till I find it.

All right.

- You got it?
-I'm sitting.

Frederick!

(affected voice):
Rachel.

Frederick.

Rachel, you've come back.

Yes.

I finally realized
that I love you,

even though you are rich.

Oh, Rachel.

How long I've waited
to hear those words.

In spite of
all of my possessions

and all my wealth,

I realized that without you,
I was poor.

Nothing meant anything to me.

My mansion,
my villa, my yacht,

my string of "poloponese."

That's it!

Now he's got me doing it!

And I won't be able
to get rid of it, either!

I know I won't!

Ralph...

- Now, look, call up Faversham.
-Please, stop...

Tell him to get somebody else
besides that nut upstairs!

Ralph, he can't do that
and you know it.

Will you please calm down?
The show is tonight.

All right, the show is tonight

and I know the show
has to go on.

I'll do a performance tonight,

but I want to go on record
right now as saying

that the only reason
I'm doing it

is so that those people
who spent their good money

to see me, will see me.

Thank you.

Now, listen, Ralph,
let's just both sit down

and relax a little bit.

You know, there is such a thing
as being over-rehearsed.

You're right, I don't
want to lose my voice.

And one thing
you've got to promise me,

don't have a fight with Norton
before the show tonight.

There is no point
in upsetting yourself.

All right, you're right,
you're right.

Hey, uh, Ralph, Alice.

I'd like to get an opinion.

Uh... Trixie is no help at all.

I thought maybe
you could help me out.

Well, what is it, Ed?

Well, now, just look at me now,
wait a minute.

- Now, you got it?
-Yeah.

Now, watch.

Well?

Well, I'm trying to find out
which is my best profile.

When I get on the stage,
I want to look my best.

Why don't you stand

-with your back to the audience?
-Ralph.

Ed, it's your left side.

- Left side?
-Yes.

That's what I thought.

Okay, thank you.
I'll go up and brush up.

"L don't possess a mansion,

a villa in France
or a string..."

How do you like him, Alice?

How do you like him?

If there's one thing
I can't stand, it's a ham.

-(people talking excitedly)
-Thanks, Bob.

Hey, Alice,
hurry up and get dressed.

As soon as I get dressed,

I'll knock
on your dressing room door.

ALICE:
Okay, Ralph!

- Boy, oh, boy.
-(knock on door)

Come in.

- Congratulations, Ralph.
-Oh, hiya, Fred.

As chairman of
the entertainment committee,

I want to congratulate you
and thank you

for the benefit
of the whole lodge.

The show
was a big financial success.

How was l...?
How was my acting?

Everybody was fine.

Ralph, for the first time
in seven years,

the lodge is out of the red.

That's swell.
How did you like my acting?

Oh, fine.
You were good, too.

Ralph,
what a way to raise money!

We gotta do this every year!

Yeah. Uh, look,
you were sitting

right alongside of
Herbert J. Whiteside.

What did he have
to say about me?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I was concentrating

-on watching the show, Ralph...
-(knocking)

- Come in.
-Oh, Ralph, excuse me,

but Mr. Herbert J. Whiteside
wants to talk to you.

Is it all right
if I bring him in?

Oh, yes!
Yes, bring him in.

I'll go get him.

Do you know what
that means, Freddie?

- Do you know what that means?
-What?

He's in town
to cast one of his pictures.

He wants a new face.
That's me, Fred.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I wish you the best of luck.

- Thank you.
-The best of luck, Ralph.

Hey, wait a minute, Fred.

I want you to realize this.

If I sign a contract
to go to Hollywood,

don't worry about it.

I'll put a clause in
that says once a year

I must return here
and do the show for the lodge.

Thanks, Ralph.

- It's all right, Fred.
-Good luck.

Oh, excuse me.

Herbert, this is
Mr. Ralph Kramden.

How do you do?

Ralph, this is
Mr. Herbert J. Whiteside.

Well, Mr. Kramden,
I certainly enjoyed

your performance tonight.

Thank you very much.

I like your pictures, too.

I want to tell you why I'm here.

It has to do
with my next picture.

Oh, is that so?

Yes, you see,
Herbert came to town

because he wants
to find a new type.

A new face. Someone that hasn't
been seen by the public before

and he thinks
that he found it tonight.

Well, all I have to do

is give a week's notice
to the bus company,

and I can get right out there.

Will that be soon enough?

Oh, Ralph, I'm sorry,

but I'm afraid
you don't understand.

Don't understand?

Well, yes, you see,
to tell you the truth,

we were talking about Alice.

- Alice?
-WHITESIDE: Uh, yes.

There's a part of a school
teacher in my next picture,

and your wife has
a fresh, natural quality

that would be perfect for it.

So, you see, Ralph,
I had the idea

that if we came in here
first, before we saw Alice,

and then when we went to Alice
a little later and told her

that we had seen you and
that you okayed the script,

and you thought it was
a good idea that she do it,

she wouldn't have any qualms
about accepting it.

Oh, yeah.

WHITESIDE: I'm sorry we gave you
the wrong impression.

Oh, well, oh, listen, I don't...

What... what am I doing acting?

I'm a bus driver.

That's funny, though, isn't it?

That I thought
that I was an actor?

Sure, go ahead and tell Alice.

Tell her I'm 100% for it.

Fine, Ralph, thanks.
I'll see you later.

Good night.

Oh, uh, there's one thing
I've been meaning to ask you.

You said one line
that I didn't understand.

What's a... what's
"a string of poloponese"?

I made a little mistake.

It should've been "polo ponies."

(chuckling):
Oh. One of those.

Oh, well, they all make them.

See you later.

Hey, Ral...

What's the matter with you?

You're not even
dressed or anything.

Come on, the whole gang's
waiting for you.

We're going over
to Hong Kong Gardens.

Uh, I'll tell you what.

Go ahead and I'll...
I'll catch up with you.

Well, hurry up, will you?
Get dressed.

You know,
you get there too late,

they run out of
fortune cookies. Hurry up.

Ralph.

Oh, hi, Alice.

Mr. Faversham and Mr. Whiteside
just came in to see me

and they told me
what you said.

Yeah, I know,
isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that just great?

I turned them down, Ralph.

What do you mean?

Why did you turn them down?
You're a great actress.

You're natural
and everything else.

Oh, Ralph, I'm no actress.

What do you mean, natural?

Do you know which scene
they liked the best, Ralph?

The love scene.

You know why it was so easy
to be natural in that, Ralph?

Because I wasn't acting.

I was telling you, Ralph,
that I love you.

Baby, you're the greatest.