Original subtitles

♪♪

♪♪

[thunder crashing]

[wind howling]

♪♪

[creaking]

[creaking]

Ah, Cecily, my dear.

Looking lovely, as usual.

Hey, wait a minute-- You're dead.

You've been dead for 30 years.

Thirty-two, Hiram, baby.

Hiram, baby?

[chuckling] Well, you look lovely, just the same.

Hiram, let me clue you in.

You have a terrible problem.

Good heavens, my dear girl.

What problem could I possibly have?

I'm very wealthy, I'm very healthy.

And very dead.

I beg your pardon?

No need to-- You're dead, just like me.

Oh?

Oh.

You know, I don't like this.

I don't like this one, tiny, little bit.

No one does, Hiram, baby.

That's why I'm here, to help you get up there.

Is there a chance for me?

Uh-huh.

What do I have to do?

Well, now, why don't you just get out of your nice,

little coffin and I'll give you the scam.

You have 24 hours in which to mastermind one good deed...

if you want to spend eternity with me.

Good deed-- Good heavens.

I'm a little outta practice.

I wouldn't know where to begin.

Well, I can't coach you.

It has to be your idea, pussycat.

Oh, and another thing, you can't leave the crypt.

I can't le--

Then, how can I do a good deed?

Well, anything you want done, I'll do.

Ah. Oh, and if you're successful,

there's a bonus in it for you.

A bonus?

Tell me, what is it?

Well, uh,

you notice there's a discrepancy in our ages.

Well, since you mention it,

if you look closely, um, well, yes.

Well, you see, that's because I stopped aging

when I was in the accident.

And you, my poor friend, kept getting older and older.

Never mind that-- Tell me about the bonus.

Well, the bonus is,

if you succeed in doing one good deed,

they promised you'd be young again.

Young again?

Oh, Cecily, my dear, then once more,

you and I could trip together, hand in hand,

through the sweet-smelling fields of new mown clover,

to enjoy the moonlight of a warm summer's night--

Ugh, let's not get sickening, chicky baby.

Time's a-wastin'.

You've got to pull off a good deed, remember?

Yes, I know-- I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

Wait a minute.

How long have I been, uh, dead?

Hmm, you're hardly cold.

One week. One week.

Then tomorrow, the reading of my will takes place,

and if I know Reggie Ripper, my attorney,

he'll try to keep all the money for himself.

Now, what you have to do

is to see that my rightful heirs get the money.

That will be my good deed.

Are you sure they'll make me young again... up there?

They never go back on their promise.

Good.

Now the first thing for you to do

is to try to get into my house.

But, how will we keep in touch with each other?

We should have a walkie-talkie.

I have something better.

Do you remember the old crystal ball shtick?

Oh, it never worked.

Try it now.

Not bad.

Ah, the first of my heirs, Chuck Phillips.

Not very bright, but a nice boy.

Heir number two, Lili Morton.

Not very bright, either, but a beautiful figure.

So I've been told.

And heir number three, Myrtle Forbush.

Now, what can I say about her, in front of you?

Ah, Reggie Ripper, my wicked attorney,

and his vile sidekick, J. Sinister Hulk.

Really, my dear chap, when you threw in with me,

I told you there might be some risks involved.

I know, I know, and I'm game, but listen...

Is this joint really haunted, like they say?

Certainly not-- Don't be ridiculous.

Now, look here, Hulk.

There's a million dollars involved in this estate,

plus the house, and your job is to, uh,

take care of the other heirs.

Follow me? I'm way ahead of ya.

The job will be done very neat and tidy,

or my name ain't J. Sinister Hulk.

[chuckling] My associates are on the way now.

Well, I hope they get here soon.

My guests are due any minute.

They will, they will.

This is the greatest bunch of cut-throats

I ever had the pleasure of working with.

Excellent-- Once they eliminate the other heirs,

the fortune will be all mine!

Uh, ours.

Mine.Ours.

Mine, old bean.

[shouting] What?

Yours, old bean.

That, my dear Cecily, is the enemy.

For my good deed, you're to harass them

and help the young people.

Got ya, Hiram.

You better be leaving, my dear.

My heirs are arriving for the reading of my will.

As you say, Hiram.

Wait a minute-- The door's that way.

But who needs it?

♪♪

Well, well, well, here we are.

All four heirs to this house and fortune,

neatly assembled.

What goes on?

A séance.

I think it's only fittin' to thank Mr. Hiram Stokley.

Am I right, Buster? If you insist.

Oh, I don't insist,

but I get very mean when I'm crossed,

so sit down and be sociable.

All right. I hope this works.

I normally don't communicate with ghosts until midnight.

Night rates cheaper? This is so silly.

Why do we have to sit here-- I'm surprised at you, cookie.

After all, Hiram invited us to come.

We are his heirs.

No one is officially an heir

unless present at the reading of the will,

and that doesn't happen until midnight.

So if you'll kindly get on with it.

All right.

Let's start holding hands.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Quiet, please!

Ghosts do not like noises.

Now, if you'll all just close your eyes and concentrate.

Oh, Hiram Stokely, we are all sitting around,

waiting for you.

Dear, sweet, Lili Morton,

Chuck Phillips,

your respected attorney, Reginald Ripper,

and me, Myrtle Forbush.

Oh, please, won't you visit us, Hiram?

We are so anxious to talk to you.

If you hear my voice, give us a sign.

[gasps] What the--

Ah!

It's-it's alive!

It's a note.

[groans]

What a ridiculous way to send messages.

What's it say-- What's it say?

Is it from Hiram?

"Those who remain here tonight...

"will not be around tomorrow."

Wait a minute.

It's obvious someone's trying to scare us out of here.

Oh, yes, and they succeeded-- I'm leaving.

But, if you leave before they read the will,

you forfeit your share.

Uh, it seems I've reconsidered.

Delighted.

Perhaps, you better go on without me, Miss Forbush.

Maybe I'm, uh, interfering with your communications.

Oh, all right, all right.

Here, hold hands.

Have we displeased you, Hiram?

What can we do to make you forgive us?

Oh, please, speak to us, Hiram.

Send us a friendly message.

[creaking]

[women screaming]

A friendly message? Good heavens.

Everybody all right? Yeah, we're all right.

[shouting] And whoever did that, we're not scared!

Speak for yourself, John. Oh, come now.

Let's not go blaming people

for these strange happenings around here.

This is a very old house, and, uh, well,

chandeliers do fall.

Oh, sure, all the time.

And the mail arrives on knives

and stick themselves into chairs and people.

[engine backfiring]

[collective chatter]

♪♪

Oh, Goo-goo, Goo-goo, come here!

Hi, Aunt Myrtle.

Well, we finally made the scene.

Well, it's about time!

Oh, this is my dear, little nephew, Bobby.

Nephew?

And Bobby, this is Mr. Ripper, our host.

How do you do? How do you do?

Hey, come on, gang-- Geronimo!

[cheering]

Cecily, my dear, that sinister face,

pay no attention to it.

It's just Malcolm, my butler.

Terribly inefficient, I might add.

♪ Geronimo

♪ When you find

[collective] ♪ When you find ♪ You're in trouble

♪ Need help

♪ You need help ♪ On the double

♪ One thing

♪ Oh one thing ♪ Just remember to do

♪ Let yourself go

♪ Let yourself go ♪ Yell Geronimo

♪ Geronimo

♪ That's when I'll

♪ Hey hey hey ♪ come runnin' to you

♪ I'll come runnin' to you

♪ Hey hey hey

♪ Geronimo ♪ When you need me

♪ Geronimo ♪ When you want me

♪ Geronimo ♪ Hey baby let's go

G-e-r-o-n-i-m-o

♪ Geronimo

♪ Geronimo

♪ Geronimo yeah

♪ Baby let's go

G...

e...

r...

o...

n-i-m-o

♪ Geronimo

♪ I'll be there

♪ I'll be there ♪ Right beside ya to help ♪

♪ To help ♪ And to guide you until

♪ Until ♪ Baby we see it through

♪ Don't ya know

♪ Don't ya know ♪ Hey Geronimo

♪ Geronimo

♪ That's when I'll

♪ Hey hey hey ♪ Come runnin' to you

♪ I'll come runnin' to you

♪ Hey hey hey

♪ Geronimo ♪ When you need me

♪ Geronimo ♪ When you want me

♪ Geronimo ♪ Hey baby let's go

G-e-r-o-n-i-m-o

♪ Geronimo

♪ Geronimo yeah

♪ Geronimo

Geronimo!

[cheering]

We'll have to postpone the séance, that's all.

Hiram Stokely would never show up

with all that racket going on.

Unless his ghost digs the Watusi.

I could've told you nothing would become of it,

Miss Forbush.

After all, how did the old pirate, in a few minutes,

come all the way up here from all the way down there?

Oh, Mr. Ripper, you haven't told me yet,

uh, how you like my little nephew.

Why, I-I didn't know you had any living relatives.

Well, I don't, unless you count Goo-goo.

Goo-goo?

How 'bout you two?

Are you similarly endowed?

I mean, with the living relatives.

Well, I don't see what difference it makes, but no.

I see.

This Goo-goo appears to be a charming young lad.

I'd like him to meet my daughter, Sinistra.

Well, I-- Sinistra.

You must be joshing?

My dear, young man, I am not a josher.

Shall we? Delighted.

Then there were two.

Correction, one.

I'm going to my room. Wait a minute.

Now we just met this morning.

I've heard of love at first sight,

but never hate.

Why? Because you're a fortune hunter.

Me, a fortune hunter?

Well, certainly.

I-I mean, why would Hiram Stokely,

a complete stranger, remember you in his will?

Well, I don't know, but by the same token,

why should he remember you?

I mean, you never heard of him before either, did you?

No. All right.

Now, we both know someone's tryin' to

scare us out of here.

Now if we team up, we'll be twice as strong.

What do ya say?

All right, it's a deal.

We will not be scared.

A business relationship.

Strictly business.

♪♪

[belches]

Ah!

Oh, that's quite a turn ya gave me there, Mr. Ripper.

Hey, "quite a turn," that's pretty good.

You get it? Time marches on, Mr. Hulk,

and you sit here making insane jokes.

Do you realize that I still have a full house?

What's happened to your infernal helpers?

Don't be impatient, boss-- They'll be here.

You told me that an hour ago.

Mr. Hulk say, follow highway 52.

No can miss Stokely house.

Me find train okay, but what happened house?

Well, don't look at me.

You're supposed to be the guide, Chicken Fat.

No call "Chicken Fat."

Me Chicken Feather.

Whee!

[laughing] Nifty, huh?

[all] yeah.

How do you like this new bustin' up billboards game

I invented?

Oh, you're the greatest, boss!

Yeah, no one rottener than you, boss.

When something rottener is invented,

Eric Von Zipper will invent it. Right!

And not only is it rotten, but it's nifty and safe.

Anybody see anymore billboards around here

for us to bust up?

Yeah, I think I see one over there boss. Oh, yeah-- okay.

Turn 'em over, group.

[engines revving]

Mmm... fresh tracks.

Full retreads.

Me think we finally find the right trail!

Right trail?

You couldn't find the right trail

from a plate of beans, to your big, fat mouth.

Now get in here and let me drive.

Okay, let me change [indistinct].

[Monstro growling]

Oh, shut up, Monstro.

We're just as hungry as you are.

Go back-- Go back.

Whoa, them wild ones.

Must be on leave of absence to late-late show.

Oh, nobody would be on this mangy cow path

if they weren't headed for the Stokely estate.

Mush!

Hey, look at the nice, pretty lake they put over there.

Probably just for us, huh?

Follow me!

[screaming]

Help! Fearless leader, you think we oughta follow him?

[Von Zipper] Help! Maybe we'd better.

He looks like he's trying to swim the English Channel.

Me no can swim.

Me feathers, no duck.

Oh, no!

Hey, where do ya think you're goin'?

That's the best lookin' truck driver I ever seen.

Don't worry, lady, I'll save ya.

I'll save ya.

I think your boss has gone into shock.

Hey, boss, what are ya doin'?

I gotta save that truck driver.

But, boss! [Von Zipper] What-- What?

You can't swim.

Help!

Help!

I'll save ya!

I'll save ya!

I'll save ya!

Wow.

Well, shall I say, it, uh, looks lived in.

Yes, by vampires.

Truthfully, don't you feel more comfortable,

now that we have our little business relationship?

I mean, you look after me and I look after you,

and...

Right...

and with no romantic involvements.

No romantic involvements because, that way,

people might get hurt.

Couldn't let that happen, could we?

Right.

Um, I think I better go change now.

Lili.

Really, don't you think-- I have to go.

And don't forget...

You don't have this business relationship

with anybody else, except me.

Right.

Business, they say.

Monkey business, I say.

[indistinct]

♪♪

Good heavens.

Young people today are a nervous lot.

All squiggling in unison.

They're not squiggling, they're dancing.

Get with it, poppy.

Hey, hi, Aunt Myrtle!

Hi, Aunt Myrtle. Hi, Aunt Myrtle.

Hey, you know, this is a real swingin' place

you've got here.

Well, I'm glad ya like it, Goo-goo.

The joint might be ours, after tonight.

I happen to see you're enjoying yourself, young man.

Oh, Mr. Ripper, This is Miss Vicki Orane.

Hello.

[Myrtle] And a young exchange student from Italy,

Miss Piccola Peek. Pupa.

Oh, pardon me-- "Pupa."

[collective giggling]

I was, uh, telling your aunt that I should like you

to meet my daughter.

Oh, he'd like to meet anybody's daughter.

[blowing whistle]

What's that?

Oh, that's, um, a subsonic whistle.

It can only get through to people

with an acutely developed sense of hearing.

Your daughter's acutely developed?

Well, judge for yourself.

[cat calls, whistling]

She's acutely developed, all right.

That's my little girl.

You called, daddy dear? Yes, indeed, I did.

I want you to meet a very charming young man.

Oh, what fun!

Yes, isn't it?

But first, we want to make a good impression, don't we?

Oh, yes, daddy dear.

So, we'll, um, take our glasses off, won't we?

But, when we take our glasses off,

we can't hardly see.

Remember what I told you about passes

and girls with glasses.

Yes, daddy dear.

Oh, you are a very nice, young man.

No, dear, not him.

This very charming young man's name is Bobby.

I'm Vicki.

He's Miss Forbush's only living relative.

I'm Vicki.

I am Vicki!

Follow me.

Oh, anywhere.

I'm Vicki.

Who cares?

Men do seem to like her, for some reason.

I can think of three reasons-- 38-24-36.

Oy.

That's better.

Uh, bobby? Hmm?

Do you like, uh, surprises?

Oh, I love 'em.

That's good, because you've got one coming now, love.

Oh, boy.

I bet I know what that is.

I bet you don't.

Oh...

What are you fixing? Relax.

It's just orange-aid

with a couple of my own special ingredients.

Uh, how do you like the antique furniture?

Oh, well, I don't know.

It's okay.

It's great-- It's really great.

I bet it goes back to Louis the XV.

Here, Bobby, dear.

Once you taste this,

you'll never drink anything else.

Bobby?What?

You're not drinking.

I mean, I'm not very thirsty.

[snaps fingers] Bobby, your dear, sweet aunt is calling you.

I think I hear my dear, sweet aunt calling me.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I have 20-20-20 hearing and I don't hear a thing!

20-20-20?

Yeah, and she's right out on the lawn.

What difference does it make?

Just as long as we're together.

Lover?

Bobby?

Oh, there you are.

You are a shy one, aren't you?

I get it.

Uh, you're so happy, you're speechless.

Come on, drink it.

Pretty please?

You are a stubborn one, aren't you?

Well, I'll take care of that.

♪ Don't try to be indifferent to me ♪

♪ Don't think you're not falling for me ♪

♪ You're standing right on the brink ♪

♪ of something bigger than you think ♪

♪ Don't try to fight it baby ♪

♪ Just take a look into my eyes ♪

♪ It's time you took the trip you're taking to paradise ♪

♪ You know it's bigger than both of us ♪

♪ You'll see I'm a girl you can trust ♪

♪ You're gonna know how it feels ♪

♪ You're falling head over heels ♪

♪ Don't try to fight it baby ♪

♪ Don't try to fight it baby ♪

[steam whistling]

And you said you didn't smoke.

[car backfiring]

Oh, we made it! Indeed, you did.

Welcome, princess.

I am Reginald Ripper.

Mr. Ripper... I assumed as much.

You're like a giant among men.

Shrewd, forceful, dominating,

and rotten, too!

[chuckling]

If you please, princess, time is of the essence.

Oh, by all means, Mr. Ripper.

I think we're like birds of a feather.

Vultures, that is.

[growling]

Oh, heavens-- What's that?

Oh, just Monstro.

Come on-- I'll introduce you to him.

Hey, Monstro! [Monstro roaring]

Shut up, Monstro.

Mama'll only be gone a little while.

Princess, did you have to bring that monkey with ya?

How many times have I told ya,

when you do a job for me,

park this peanut grinder in a zoo or something.

Oh, oh.

Hold up on that, hold up, hold up.

Steady. What's happening?

[collective chatter]

But he's really as gentle as a kitten.

Except when he's scared,

or when he thinks somebody's threatening me.

Now you behave, Monstro,

and everything's gonna be all right.

Well, shall we?

Not that way, princess.

This calls for discretion.

My four unwanted guests.

I assume Mr. Hulk explained what you're to do.

Him make broad hint.

Follow me.

This way-- Go.

There she is, my princess.

I love her.

Who are them three slobs, boss?

I don't know, but one of 'em looks like Sherlock Holmes.

Hey, prin--

[collective chatter]

Where-where-where is she?

W-where's my princess?

She went right through the wall.

[collective chatter] Right through the wall?

Shh-- where did she go?

[collective chatter] Shut up!

Jeromey...

tell me the truth and nothin's gonna happen to ya.

Where did she go?

Right through the wall!

Don't ever lie to your leader.

He ain't lyin', boss.

Shut up-- You two, show me.

Show me, you stupids-- Show me!

[collective shouting]

Ah, ah!

You're screaming-- Why are you screaming?

You stupids!

Now, how could anybody walk through a stone wall?

That ain't even human, right? Boss, I think you--

Shut up, shut up-- I'm thinkin'.

Now, the last time I seen her,

she was standin' over there with them three slobs, right?

What she probably did was,

she walked around the side of the-- But, boss--

I warned ya-- I warned ya!

I warned ya, don't talk-don't talk when I'm thinkin'.

But, boss-- Shut up!

You, I told to shut up!

Once more, J.D.-- just once.

Now, what-- ah!

Boss is gonna think we pushed him.

Oh, is he gonna be mad!

He's gonna be madder if we don't go pick him up.

Get in there!

Well, that's more like it.

Now that we've formed our mutual protection society,

we may as well be friendly.

I'm not being friendly, I'm being scared.

Ah, there's nothing to be scared of.

Not with me here.

Oh!

Nice try!

[Malcolm] Nice throw.

Look, let's not be dopes and fall into their trap, huh?

Someone's just tryin' to scare us out of here

before the reading of the will.

Somebody's trying to kill us.

Look, I'm going back to the house.

Wait-- I'll go with you.

Please, sir, I must talk to you.

Sure, sure.

We'll have a nice, long talk

as soon as you learn some manners

and stop throwing hatchets at people.

No, no, I'm not responsible for any of the actions

that have been taking place here.

Oh, of course not.

I've seen it-- I know all the dialogue.

You want me to leave this house, right?

Exactly, sir. Well, I'm not.

I'm going to be here at midnight when the will is read,

and I'm going to be here tomorrow

when the money is divided.

If you must, sir, I beg you, be careful.

Someone here is trying to kill you.

And you know his name, right?

Indeed, I do, sir.

And you're going to say, "and his name is"...

And a phony knife is going to stab you in the chest.

And you're going to roll up your eyes

and make-believe you're dead.

Don't make sport of me, sir.

I am trying to save your life.

I'm sorry, sir, but I've got a girl to follow.

So long.

Somebody is trying to kill you.

His name is--

How I ever allowed myself to be hoodwinked into

having him for my attorney, is beyond me.

And with that phony British accent.

Oh, surely,

there must be something better for me to look at.

If my mother could see me like this...

D-don't you think we're overdoing it?

Just a little?

In case like this, in my country, we'd say...

[speaking Italian]

What does that mean?

♪ Stand up and fight for what you think is right ♪

♪ Don't let anyone get in your way-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ Right down to the letter you're gonna feel better ♪

♪ It's true

♪ Just do what I say-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ Stand up and fight for what you think is right ♪

♪ If you want things to go your way-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ Don't hesitate a minute

♪ Your game you win it ♪

♪ If you just do what I say ♪

♪ Don't even not this season ♪

♪ You've gotta win and that's enough reason ♪

♪ Stand up and fight for what you think is right ♪

♪ 'cause that's what's happening today-ay-ay-ay ♪

♪ Move out let 'em know ♪

♪ It's your ball you roll it ♪

♪ You'll see it's the only way ♪

♪ You'll see it's the only way ♪

♪ You'll see it's the only way ♪

Well, it may be the only way for you,

but it's too far out for me.

I think I'll settle for this.

♪♪

[snaps fingers]

You gotta fight fire with fire, honey.

Wear the bikini.

It's just what the doctor ordered.

On second thought,

this might be just what the doctor ordered.

Ow!

What are you doing out here, wood work?

Boss, you keep telling me this joint ain't haunted.

Well, explain some of them screwy things

that are going on,

like that self-propelling candelabra.

No time for that now.

Do you realize, it's 9:00?

And so far, not one single casualty.

I am to read the will in three hours!

Well, that's life, boss-- It takes doin'.

Well, do it-- Go on, get in there.

[indistinct chatter]

Ow!

Ah, Mr. Ripper.

I'm so glad you introduced little Bobby to Sinistra.

She's so sophisticated and everything.

She'll give him just what he needs.

Would you mind if Bobby and I went out for a while?

I'd, uh, like to show him the sights.

Sights aren't that bad right here.

Of the city, I mean.

I have, uh, something special in mind.

Why, of course, dear.

Uh, where do you want to go?

Oh, just out on the veranda.

It's so romantic, and, uh, so high.

The people look like crawling insects below.

Why, that'll be perfectly all right.

Just don't stay out too long.

Oh, this won't take long at all.

Good night, papa.

Good night, dear-- happy hunting.

I mean, uh, have a good time.

♪♪

♪ Make the music pretty play a happy song ♪

♪ Make the music pretty or I can't go on ♪

♪ Everybody's singin' about a broken heart ♪

♪ Don't you know can't you see ♪

♪ It's tearin' me apart now ♪

♪ Make the music pretty and I'll tell you why ♪

♪ Make the music pretty or you'll make me cry ♪

♪ Let me hear you play a happy melody ♪

♪ Come on and make the music pretty for me ♪

Why do I have to see the view?

Why?

Because it's so romantic.

Yeah, but I get pretty dizzy at heights,

I keep telling ya. Oh, don't worry.

I'm here with you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, what are you doin'?

Just checking.

I wanna make sure it is you this time.

Yeah, well, it's me, all right.

Hey, can't we go someplace else?

I mean, I get claustrophobia in high places like this.

Silly, that isn't what you get in high places.

Well, listen, whatever you get,

that's what I got.

Now, you just stay there a minute.

I want to make sure this is the place.

[snaps fingers]

Yoo-hoo, Goo goo.

I think I hear my dear Aunt Myrtle calling me.

This is the place.

Silly boy.

Playing games, are you?

Why don't you ever learn to relax?

Here, I'll massage your neck muscles for you.

Ooh, aren't you built.

Your poor muscles are so tense and so tight.

But Sinistra knows how to relax you...

permanently.

One less finger in the jam pot.

Won't papa be delighted.

Vicki?

Vicki.

Oh, no, it can't be!

Bobby.

Bobby.

Oh, no, no, no!

[laughter]

[thunder crashing] [screaming]

Ya-ya-ya!

Revolting, little pip-squeaks.

[ghostly wailing]

Why do you "ooo-ooo-ooo?"

'Cause I'm afraid.

Don't be afraid, and don't "ooo-ooo-ooo."

No more, huh?

[clock chiming]

Why are you doing that again?

Twelve bongs right in my ear.

It smarts!

Never mind that now.

I thought I made it clear to you and your wretched crew

that you were to dispose of everybody

before I read the will.

Well, we want to, but nobody stays put long enough.

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

Now, don't make me have to tell you again.

Go on, get in there, and get on with it.

Oh!

Well... you're all comfortable.

Let's get started, shall we?

"I, Hiram Stokely,

"being of sound mind and body"--

Uh, look, suppose I skip all the--

excuse the expression, dead stuff--

What? and get down to the requests.

That's what you're waiting for.

I, um, happen to know everything

that's in this instrument

because I drew it up myself.

All Mr. Stokely's earthly possessions

are to be divided up among the four of us,

share and share alike.

[Myrtle] Yay!

Not bad.

It would be a good deal better

if I knew where the money was.

Yeah-- what?What?

I'm trying to tell you, the man had no bank accounts.

As of this moment, the whereabouts of the money

is a complete mystery.

Ugh, ugh!

Then why?

Why did you have to drag me all the way here from Lompoc?

I hate to sound mercenary,

but could you give us an estimate?

I can do even better than that.

I can tell you exactly.

By cheating, hornswoggling, finagling,

stealing, and perpetrating every knavery known to man,

the old horse thief accumulated one million dollars.

[thunder crashing] Wha--

[screaming]

What happened? Nothing, nothing.

Uh-uh, let's get on with it.

[piano playing] Ah!

[Myrtle screaming]

Don't be scared-- It's electric.

It was probably shorted by the storm.

Oh...

Oh!

♪♪

What's that? It's a codicil.

Codicil? Yeah, an addition to the will.

Um, it seems to be legal.

It's, uh, dated and signed by Mr. Stokely.

Well, what's it say?

It just says that, uh, the million dollars is, uh,

concealed somewhere in the house,

and, uh, it's up to us to find it.

Oh, no.

Now we have to go on a treasure hunt.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yes, here's a... here's a clue.

"Look to the prince of love."

"Look to the prince of love?"

What does that mean?

Well, your guess is as good as mine.

Um, I suggest that we all turn in,

and, uh, have a good go at it in the morning.

Well, I'll turn in,

but I don't know how I'm going to sleep

with all that's been going on.

Don't worry, honey-- Don't worry.

I never go to a haunted house

without a large supply of sedatives.

Supposed to be Stokely's idea of good, clean fun.

Once a showman, always a showman.

Please, just let's go.

♪♪

[belches]

Hey, boss, if this joint ain't haunted,

will you explain to me what's goin' on out there?

Suppose you'll explain to me what's going on in here.

Everybody's still alive

and you have the affrontery to sit there eating,

by candlelight?

Well, don't blow a gasket, boss.

They come a long way-- They're starved.

After all, sweets,

you can't expect us to do what we have to do

on an empty stomach.

Indian tradition...

never go on war path before first eating buffalo.

Buffalo-smuffalo.

You heard me read the will, didn't you?

Yeah, buried treasure,

and we expect our cut of it, too.

Well, you can expect until doomsday.

Nobody's been knocked off around here,

except Malcolm the butler,

and I took care of him myself,

and my daughter's taking care of that upstart, bobby.

You hear that, chicky?

They got two expert caretakers-- Quiet!

Mr. Ripper have tradition, too.

No do job, no get wampum.

Put that in your teepee and smoke it.

I'm steamin', I'm steamin'.

I-I'm so exaggerated. What's the matter?

I'm mad on that princess.

What'd she do, boss? The only girl I ever loved.

And now, she and them three slobs

are gonna steal a million clams from them folks,

and they didn't even invite me!

Why don't you give her the finger, boss?

No, no, what I'm gonna do is,

we're gonna find them clams

and we're gonna keep 'em for ourselves,

and we ain't gonna share with her, nor nobody!

How ya gonna do that, boss?

Don't worry-- He knows how we're gonna do it.

How we gonna do it, boss? How?

That's a good question.

I'll tell ya how, is how.

Who told ya to ask me that question?

Anybody tell ya to-did anybody tell ya to ask that?

No! Shh, shh!

Don't bite--- Let go.

Hide, hide!

♪♪

Shh!

[collective shushing]

No, not everybody-- Just me!

I'm the only shusher!

Shh!

[thunder crashing] [screaming]

Thanks for talking to me, Chuck.

I-I feel a lot better now.

You know, this is the wildest coincidence,

that both our fathers were carnival operators,

and both were swindled by a con man.

Maybe it isn't a coincidence.

Stokely.

That's his name-- I remember.

That's the name of the crook.

Stokely.

Yeah, yeah, rings a bell with me, too.

But if this is the same Stokely who was the culprit,

then why would he be our benefactor now?

Search me?

Anyway, it-it'll clear up tomorrow.

Good-night, Lili.

A business arrangement.

That's my room over there, just in case.

In case anything happens. Oh, okay.

Good night, Chuck. Good night.

[thunder crashing]

♪♪

Hi, Chuck.

Hey, the guys are a little crowded

over there in the other bedroom,

so I figured you wouldn't mind if I bunked here tonight.

Oh, no, I don't mind. Okay, great.

I was just ready to hit the sack, myself.

Be my guest.

[thunder crashing]

[collective chatter]

Uh, television repairman.

[thunder crashing]

♪♪

You gonna keep the light on all night? Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just trying to read myself to sleep.

Thanks.

What time is it?

Uh, I don't know.

It's 2:00.

Ah!

What's wrong?

A skull-- There's a skull!

What?

What are you talkin' about?

Well, that's funny.

It was right there a minute ago.

I don't understand it.

Well, I understand.

Anybody reading junk like this is bound to have nightmares.

Go to sleep, will ya?

How?

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Now, I'm gonna have to take something

or I'll never get to sleep.

Something dastardly approaching.

Be brave, boys-- Have courage.

♪♪

Ah!

Oh, there are spooks loose all over my house.

Something tried to grab me in the closet.

It's a creepy claw!

A claw?

Man, you are driving me out of my skull!

No, the skull is over there.

You're dreaming!

Chuck, listen, I'm not kidding.

This thing was nine feet tall and-- Now you listen to me.

You get in there and you take a pill!

Hey, Chuck, really, I--

♪♪

Well, I took the pill.

♪♪

[growling] [screaming]

Chuck, Chuck!

Ah!

♪♪

[collective chatter]

Calm down, calm down.

There is nothing to get excited about.

Bobby just had a nightmare, that's all.

Where-where is Bobby?

He-he went downstairs to get some warm milk.

Oh, come on, kids.

You're all acting like a bunch of old women.

Scat-- Dig up.

Come on-- Come on.

Hello, hello, operator? This is a recording.

You have dialed a wrong number, stupid.

I haven't dialed any number yet.

Look, this is an emergency.

Bobby. Oh!

Thanks, loads.

[crashing] What's that?

I don't know.

Let's find out.

Oh, keep away from that door.

It's a real son of a gun.

I thought I advised you to say them words.

Carry on!

[collective chatter]

What are you doing with books?

Here, Rip!

He won't open his mouth.

He's dead, stupid.

Jeromey! Yeah.

You see anything in them ears?

Yeah. What?

Dirt. You stupid.

Hey, come here!

Stop-- Come here.

Come here, come here, come here.

Listen, whoever hid that loot was pretty sharp,

but if he thinks he can out-sharp Eric Von Zipper,

he is stupider than anybody.

You said it, boss.

There ain't nobody stupider than you.

Now stand back!

Just stand back!

[growling]

I think there's somethin' here.

♪♪

Here, take this and use it if you have to.

What are you so quiet about-- Ah!

♪♪

[grunting]

♪♪

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute!

I just thunk of somethin'. Always thinkin'.

That's the boss.

What'd you think of this time, boss?

This time, it's what I don't think.

Now what I don't think is,

I don't think the loot is in this room.

[applause]

I wish I'd said that.

Tell us what we should do, boss.

Well, look, we've got a pretty good hole dug here, right?

[collective] Right.

So it shouldn't be a total loss.

Let's see what it leads to!

I knew you'd come up with somethin', boss.

Okay, let's go-- Ladies first.

That's you two.

Oh. Oh.

Come on, stupids, let's go, let's go.

In there-- Be careful.

And wait for me, you guys-- Wait for me in there.

Don't go too far.

Come on, come on.

Wait for me now!

I can't fit-- I can't fit!

You stupid-- now, now, now.

Watch your head-- Don't let me poke out your eye.

Okay, here I come, fellas-- Not to worry.

What?

I thought I told everybody, go in the hole-- Oh.

Ah!

[screaming]

Hey, boss, boss, what's wrong?

I heard ya screamin'.

[indistinct stuttering]

Wake up, wale up, wake up, boss. What-what-what?

Wake up.

Did you... me? Yeah.

Don't ever... me.

Now get in the hole-- Get in the hole!

Everybody here?

[growling]

There we are...

Safe as the first national bank.

Now look,

we can't possibly do anything more about this tonight,

so why don't we get some shut-eye, huh?

Shut-eye-- Are you kiddin' me?

Look, twice that-that homicidal philly, Sinistra,

tried to knock me off, and that blob,

he wasn't any fraternity brother, either.

The only blob is in your brain.

Oh, okay, then look, Chuck, you tell me,

who wrecked the living room, huh?

Look, I told ya,

it's only somebody tryin' to get a head start

in finding old Stokely's dough.

What's the worry?

Listen, do you believe in helping a dying man?

Yes. Okay-- I'm dyin'.

Now, go downstairs, pick up the phone

and call the cops, please.

All right.

[thunder crashing]

♪♪

[knocking]

What took you so long?

Boy, I sure feel safe now.

[growling] No!

[growling] Ah!

Get ya-get ya-get ya-get ya.

♪♪

Operator, do you hear me now?

This is an emergency.

Will you please-- [Operator] Sorry.

You're being disconnected.

Why?

[growling]

♪♪

Bobby!

Bobby!

What happened?

Oh, nothing.

I just had a visitor who needed a haircut all over,

is all.

[screaming]

What was that?

[growling] [all screaming]

There's a huge gorilla in there!

There's a huge gorilla in there!

In there-- It's got Lili.

See, I'm not the only one who has dreams.

Bobby, Bobby, be careful.

Lili! Wait!

Wait!

♪♪

They're not in there.

Frank, Pete,

search the back of the house and check the grounds.

Aye-aye. And Myrtle, you get up there where you belong.

Not me, buster!

I go wherever the action is.

Come on.

Hey, wait for me!

♪♪

Everybody here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Did anybody extra "yeah?"

[all whistling]

[shouting]

Hiram, Hiram?

[Hiram] Yes, my dear?

What are all these strange people doing here?

They're on their way to my chamber of horrors.

[chuckling]

Just follow them, my dear.

[growls]

♪♪

♪♪

My ax-- Where's my ax?

Boy, that's slippery stuff.

Hey, boss, where are we?

I think this is the rumpus room.

Maybe we took the wrong turn.

Gee, it's scary in here.

Yeah.

Have no fear, Von Zipper is here!

Nothing's gonna hurt us.

Come on-- Whoa!

Get rid of them tools.

Hey, boss, look!

That chick's in big trouble.

Von Zipper'll save ya, ma'am.

Uh...

You're hurtin' that chick, Charlie.

Leave her be.

I-I-I don't think he heard me so good.

I said, "You're hurtin' "that chick, Charlie.

"Leave her be!"

Give it to him, boss-- You can do it!

Yeah, he asked for it.

Keep your eye on Von Zipper.

Agh!

I think he's hurt.

Never be the same without plastic surgery.

Is he bleedin'?

You buncha stupids.

This ain't a human being.

It's a dummy.

Just like you are-- dummies.

Oh, well then they won't give us no more trouble then.

Right, boss?

Right... but I will.

Now come on!

Here's your head back, mister.

Hey, look at the monkey.

He looks real.

Oh, no...

You can always tell a phony.

Look, you see the kinda hair they got here,

and over here, it happens to be different.

Look at that, you see the kinda hair they got here?

[growling]

Ah!

Boss, I think he's for real.

Yeah, you said nothin' was gonna hurt us.

So I'm a liar.

[screaming]

Hey, stop right where ya are, monkey.

That a boy, boss-- You got him at your mercy.

Yeah, yeah, did ya hear that?

I got you at my mercy.

You-you didn't hear that?

Look, I'm sorry I pulled your hair!

Give him the ax.

Give him the ax, boss-- Give him the ax!

Yeah, look over-- yeah.

Here-- Ah!

What a stupid idea!

Look, I'm sorry.

I said I was-- Why don't ya--

Couldn't we maybe, like, talk it over a little bit?

I would-- Wait!

No-no!

Do something.

Do something!

Let's get outta here!

[all screaming]

Me no like that screaming downstairs, Mr. Hulk.

In this house, they got real evil spirits.

If you only knew.

[laughing]

That Ripper's been lyin' to us.

We better get outta here while we still got our health.

Yeah, me, too-- I go.

You won't keep your health unless you finish the job.

You're gonna find out what's going on

in that chamber of horrors, so move!

Mr. Ripper, you've been misrepresentin'-- Shut up and keep moving.

Nobody gets onto me until I let them.

And that goes to you, my fine, feathered friend.

Once a chicken, always a chicken.

Come on-- Get moving.

Move, move, move!

Chuck?

Chuck?

Lili, snap out of it.

You've gotta get outta here fast.

Ah!

♪♪

Oh!

Ah, no, no!

Come on-- I know where to hide.

[belches]

Hey.

Well, come on.

[muffled cries]

[screams]

Why, this is Hiram Stokely's chamber of horrors.

Lili-- Lili!

Just like when it was in the carnival.

Lili!

[muffled cries]

♪♪

Lili, where are you?

Hey, this one's breathing.

Ugh!

[muffled cries]

Oh, stop that buzz saw.

Lili!

[muffled cries]

[grunting]

[Tarzan-like cry]

♪♪

[screaming]

Ahh!

[muffled cries]

[grunting]

[muffled screams]

[birds chirping]

[muffled cries]

Come on, Chuck-- Pull the lever.

Oh!

♪♪

[chuckles] Oh, hit him again.

[muffled cries]

Cecily, Cecily, save the girl!

Goo goo, do something!

Pull the lever.

♪♪

[groans]

Don't worry, Lili-- We'll save you.

Daddy, over here!

No-no-no-no!

♪♪

Sinistra, remember me?

I'm your father.

Hit the golden one.

There's your treasure, Hiram.

Oh, money from heaven.

Oh, no, it isn't!

That's Stokely's millions.

He said, "Look to the prince of love."

Cupid's little arrow did the trick.

[muffled cries] No!

♪♪

Leave it alone, all of you.

Cecily, do something!

Every penny of it is mine.

Cecily, Cecily, what have you done?

Wrapping things up for you, Hiram, baby.

Your wicked lawyer has gone to collect his just desserts,

and your rightful heirs now have the money.

Congratulations, Hiram, on doing your good deed.

And now, you're on your way to heaven.

Yippee!

Ow!

[groaning]

Cecily, they said they'd make me young again.

And they never go back on their promise.

Ah.

Well, ya can't have everything.

[screaming]

[knocking]

[creaking]

Why me?

Why me, all the time?

Hey, it's the television repairman.

♪♪

Ah!

Don't look at me.

I can't explain it, either.

♪♪