Original subtitles

Carlos!

Keep it close to the car, there's a hole.

- Easy, easy. - Don't scratch it.

- Who's leaving now? - The people from 301.

Why?

Carlos!

Carlos!

Come in.

So you are here.

I've been shouting like a lunatic.

I've got a car full of crap and you make like you don't hear me.

Hey. Weren't you going to change the lock?

Sorry. The kitchen is through there.

- Where should I put this? - Over there.

Hey.

- What a huge muscle. - At your service ma'am.

- What are you looking at? - Your ass.

My ass? And this miracle?

I have an idea.

Honey. Just wait until the men leave.

I lose the idea. I don't have time for that right now.

All right, "Homo Sapiens".

Just don't forget that once you were a "Homo Erectus".

Better, isn't it? Healthier. More light.

Did you call your mom?

Listen to this. This might work as the prologue.

Prologue? You've been working on that for three months!

Listen, listen.

"The more a man admires a woman because of her success,

the harder it is for him to desire her.

The new woman is a source of male impotence

a castrator, and a cause of divorce".

Papers, papers, letters, letters, bullshit!

Hey, don't you think it's rather windy in here?

So what's so funny?

Nothing, castrator.

Impotent.

Lady, we're leaving now.

Sorry. I didn't introduce you.

This is my... Well, he's always here.

I'm his muse.

And he is my muscle.

What a racket! People are so uncivilized.

I'm coming!

I left the car double-parked. I'm going to move it.

- Let's go, my muscle-men. - Excuse us, sir.

Leave the door open. I don't want to have to battle with it.

No, Sandy. Please, try to understand.

Tell Roy the commercial will be photographed by Naoto Tekata.

I know he is expensive, but you're not paying,

so don't interfere. Also tell him that the slogan

is "Comet sausages, the best on the planet".

Yeah, I know it's awful,

but what do you want me to do, damn it?

Look, tell that to the client.

He liked it. They're hicks. See you.

You look horrible.

It's six o'clock, we are late.

This is the last time you come to my office

fucking dressed like that.

Andrea, where are you going?

If you don't like how I look, I'm not going. Taxi!

Andrea, get in the car.

- Let go of me! - Get back in the car!

- Get back in the car! - Let me go!

- Get back in the car! - Let go of me!

Honey. We're making a scene.

So, what's new? Taxi!

Let's go home so you can put on something decent.

What's indecent about this? It's French.

But we're going to the house of the agency's president!

Yes, and since you've just been appointed international

accounts director, you can't go with a shabby woman.

Maybe, someone will remember you when you were communist.

Hey, mister!

Let me go!

Let's go home. Let's go. I've had enough.

There, you see? This is what I get for being

so democratic at home.

Go on.

Get out of the way man.

- Get out of there. - I don't want to.

- Get out of the car! - I don't want to!

- Get out, damn it! - I don't want to!

Get out, I said!

Watch out, asshole!

Marisa.

You must have brought something.

A kimono.

Marisa, I just came back from Kenya.

The Zulus don't wear kimonos.

Well, maybe you brought a mask, some feathers,

a bone.

- Something. - I'm dead tired!

You erased it!

Do you like them? They're for Tomás.

I also bought some hats, balloons.

Plug it back in.

But it's been seven years since I saw him.

- Please. - Yeah, yeah. I know.

I'm like a gonorrhea, I burn, I itch,

but come on, look what I bought for Tomás.

Ana! Let me work.

Either you throw that essay into the trash

- or I jump out the window. - You can jump!

What's the matter with you? What are you afraid of?

You.

Me? Why?

Because I know you, darling.

Hey, but I...

Ana, I love you.

I love you too.

Isn't that enough?

Nothing in life satisfies us completely.

Nothing is enough.

It only lasts a moment and then it's gone.

Like this kiss.

He's here!

I don't want to go to dinner at Miguel and Andrea's on Friday.

Why don't you make up an excuse?

Or do you want to go play referee?

You do it. I don't want to.

No, no.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Don't you think we are making fools of ourselves?

- No. - Yes, darling.

Sorry, I think I've got the wrong apartment.

Tomás! I can't believe it.

I missed you so much! You monster! Blondie!

- Carlitos. - How are you?

Are you going bald?

Hey, tell me, when did you dye your hair?

- What's London like? - Nice.

- What do you mean nice? - Nice. Just like your apartment.

Clown.

Singapore was the best.

- You were in Singapore? - Not only was I in Singapore,

I got married there!

- What? - And?

Nothing. They closed it. It was a fabulous whorehouse.

It didn't bother me much though because I became a Buddhist.

- You are a Buddhist now? - No.

Now I'm very tired

and very thirsty.

Where's the kitchen?

I'm also happy to be with my two only friends.

The surprise. Come here.

Ready? One, two...

Surprise!

WELCOME!

Where did you sleep last Tuesday?

Where did you sleep!

Andrea, it took you three hours to choose a dress.

You changed your hairstyle five times.

I've been smelling your fucking perfume the whole way.

So don't piss me off with the same question.

- Where did you sleep? - I didn't sleep!

I spent all night working so you can have

your gym, the beauty parlor, ashram and master card.

You're the one who spoilt me.

So now it's my fault that you're idle?

If only you had a child!

So it was formal dress?

Watch what you drink.

Do my drinking habits bother you?

Miguel! Miguel!

Mister Singer. I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you.

What do you think?

Andrea, Mister Singer, the agency's vice-president.

- My wife. - Pleased to meet you.

Why aren't you wearing a costume?

What's this then? You think I dress like this every day?

Excuse me. They're carrying me off.

- Is that all now? - No.

There's still my tamagochi, my Indian head

and my box of condoms.

Come on in. Be careful with the door.

I thought you didn't bring anything.

What would you like to drink? We have to celebrate

the arrival of the repentant nomad.

Well, nomad, plumber, mime,

waiter, translator, limo driver, stripper,

diving instructor, balero instructor,

art dealer, drug dealer...

- And hustler. - What?

Okay, okay, okay. Gigolo.

You developed professionally these past seven years.

No, no, don't get me wrong, Carlitos.

Mine was purely a pleasure trip.

I'm getting dizzy.

Easy, Carlitos, easy. Don't worry.

Here, on the floor. Come down to the floor.

That's right. Very good.

Perfect. Breathe. No, no, easy. Breathe deeply.

What would you like to drink? I have tequila, whiskey,

ginger-ale, red wine.

- Again. - I asked what you want to drink.

I have tequila, whiskey, ginger-ale, red wine...

And again.

We won't have a toast then!

Does this happen often?

What? My getting dizzy or the elevator breaking down?

That you don't pay any attention to your wife when she talks.

It's not what you're thinking.

You revived, you devil!

Ana's fine with me. I'm fine with Ana.

So don't start with any of your tricks.

Okay.

Hello? He's not home.

- Who was it? - It was for you.

I thought you weren't here.

- Are you having trouble? - Who was it?

I don't know. He didn't want to leave a message.

Don't answer the phone.

Leave the answering machine on.

Did you hear the message I left you?

I leave it every morning.

"Your wife doesn't know what an orgasm is. Try harder".

- What's the matter? - I'm not a cardboard cutout!

- Can I have a shower? - We can fuck right now!

- Don't twist things, you moron! - You brought up orgasms.

You're always dissatisfied. Not me.

Don't twist things.

I'm sick of you leaving me talking to myself.

Excuse me, where can I take a bath?

- Now you'll get one, darling. - Let me go! Let go of me!

Stop! That's enough!

The intellectual!

You're so stupid and so blind.

Excuse me. Where can I take a bath?

Just what we needed. A man's balls.

Hey, get dressed, asshole!

Easy! I haven't taken a bath in five days.

It's very European. Look, smell me.

- Get away from me! - Come, I'll take you.

No, you won't. I'll take him.

He's taking me.

Carlitos, which one is hot?

Thanks.

Carlitos!

Show her she's wrong. Make a baby.

Is she on the pill or what?

Ana, why did you make that scene in front of Tomás?

- Why? - For you everything is easy.

I give you support when you need it.

I disappear when you ask me to. Now I'm tired of it.

What are you tired of? Say it.

Answer me. What are you tired of?

Of always being there for you.

- So you can go with Tomás? - You don't understand a thing.

No, answer me, damn it! Why did you let him go?

He has a sense of humor. He knows how to make love.

He has talent. You'd lose sleep for him, right?

You're still in love with a clown.

And don't tell me you are not

because you know perfectly well that it's true.

Why are you always jealous? Idiot!

Because I will never be able to make love to you like him.

Persephone!

Andrea Maldonado. Pleased to meet you.

- Married? - To an ape.

There is always a second chance.

No, I'm not attracted to Greeks. Thanks.

I'm Roman.

How would you like it if I threw you to the lions, Persephone?

We're going to shoot the commercial in Ixtapa.

Naoto Tekata will be your photographer.

Who wants to come with me to the suite?

- Me, me, me! - Excuse me a second.

I've got a present for you.

Let's see. Do you remember the slogan?

Of course.

- "Comet sausages". - "Eat them, don't insert them".

Far out! Huge! All right, line up.

Let's go.

Come here, babe. You're with me, okay?

Perfect.

Let's see. All of it.

Miguel?

María! What are you doing here?

Pissing myself.

Can I go in alone or do I have to be with a group?

Wipe your nose.

Let Rome burn!

Long live Mexico!

- 22 hours? - 23.

Nairobi, Frankfurt, New York, Immigration, Mexico.

Nairobi? What were you doing so far away?

We always said that as long as we stayed away from each other,

we would make an excellent couple.

Are you really interested? Remember, I'm a zoologist.

Yeah, yeah. I haven't forgotten.

Well, I was studying mandrills, chimpanzees,

and my husband.

You got married?

That's good. Well, tell me, where's your husband?

Dead and buried.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

- What happened? - It's a metaphor, Miguel.

I left him.

Well, to be honest, I married him for a passport.

Michael was English. Well, he is English.

I never saw a man cry so much.

The poor fool.

Well, I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

Must be that I haven't slept

or that you make me nervous.

How long are you going to be here in Mexico?

I'm only here for a month, staying with a friend.

I didn't want to go to San Luis, you know my family.

Afterward I'm going to work at the San Diego Zoo.

I don't know how they knew about me.

They offered me a lot of money

although they only have one mandrill.

I don't need to go to San Diego,

this place is full of animals on the loose.

Why didn't you make the film? Everything was ready.

Well, María, it's just that...

Now I'm working at an advertising agency.

You're not!

Yeah, in fact this is a company party.

María, one has to survive, change, adapt.

Damn, you understand me, don't you?

Besides tell me, who makes films in this country?

Who?

Unfortunately the closest thing is publicity, isn't it?

At least we work with ideas,

with creativity,

with what both you and I were always looking for.

Social commitment?

Besides, I married Andrea.

She's my wife now. I have to provide her with certain

comforts, luxuries, dresses, trips.

You married Andrea Maldonado?

Yeah. Why?

Sorry, it's just that I never would've...

She was the most...

You're still handsome.

If you're tired, I can take you home.

Look at that, just for a change.

My friend Marisa never changes.

Can I stay at your place?

You disappointed me so much That I left you a blank check

In your name

Put whatever amount you want

And where it reads "worthless" That must be your price

And it's signed by me

More! More! More! More!

Is this why you dragged me out of the party?

- Did you find it? - Yes. Here it is.

Look Andrea, it's an original from the Rioguashasha tribe.

Why are you driving so slowly?

Can't you see that María is dying to go to bed?

Hey Miguel, really.

If it's too much trouble I can go to a hotel.

I don't know any hotel.

That is near here.

- It's just that I don't think... - Don't think about anything!

Relax! We want you to stay with us!

Miguel has explained everything to me.

You're going to be very comfortable in the spare room.

Since we still don't have children,

the apartment is a little big for us, isn't it, darling?

Faster! Can't you see the lady wants to get there?

Stop! I said stop!

Sneaking in on me?

Why are you so undisciplined girl?

Because of this.

If Muhammad doesn't go to the mountain...

Muhammad jumps into my bed, right?

What kind of a Muslim are you?

I was also thinking about how to sneak into your room.

But I don't think I ever got to...

- Carlos? - Don't worry.

He's not here. He went out.

We haven't talked for so long. How are you?

Impressed. I've never been inside the forbidden city.

They belong to Carlos' mom. The vases, the plates,

the lamps, the carpets, well, even the apartment is hers.

That damn habit of leaving the window open.

I still love you.

Come here.

This is my home, isn't it?

What is this?

His name is Cirilo.

And if you think I'm jealous, well I'm not.

On the contrary, I'm optimistic.

She was the love of your life, wasn't she?

Maybe she can talk you out of the mistake you're living in.

Marrying you was my mistake. Now let me get some sleep.

Although maybe you don't like her anymore.

She doesn't have a soda smile, or coconut-oil legs.

No, she's not the kind of woman you like now.

So jealous, really jealous, well no, I can't be.

Although maybe she is more stupid than me

and still thinks she can do something about a lost cause.

Darling, I'm begging you. Let's get some sleep.

Come off it! As if you could sleep

with all that coke you snorted.

Do you think I don't notice when you're stoned?

Damn it! Turn that fucking light off!

Do you remember when you used to be sweet and patient with me?

And would tell me you'd explain the world to me?

When did you go numb?

Hey, what if we try acupuncture?

Do you think unhappiness can be cured with needles?

I'm going to the living room.

Or to fuck that bitch María?

You'll wake her! Shut up.

Because I want to talk?

Miguel, I've been ironing your shirts for five years

and you can't grant me one night's talk?

Do you only talk to your secretary?

Why don't you shut your mouth?

- Let me go, Miguel. - Spread your legs.

Let me go!

Since you've kept me awake, I'm going to make a sacrifice

to dissuade you from talking anymore, you fool.

You are an animal!

I always sleep with an animal.

With an animal, right. With a hyena! A wife!

Let go!

Spread your legs. Damn it, spread your legs.

Remember, Andrea,

in bed there is always one who is stronger!

And there is always one who winds up underneath the other!

You've woken Cirilo.

You left the window open.

As always.

Good night.

Why?

Why do I feel so jealous?

It's disgusting.

Couldn't you sleep?

Me neither.

She's still drunk.

What happened to you, Miguel?

Do you have a cigarette?

You didn't smoke, either.

No.

She drives me insane.

Insurgentes South Avenue around University City

is completely blocked.

We recommend you use an alternative route

such as San Jerónimo, Periférico,

or Revolución Avenue.

Pollution monitoring reports...

Fifty dead birds around San Jerónimo Avenue.

Skin eczema on two nurses in General Hospital.

And a man run over while boarding a bus.

Now!

Faster!

Now!

Now!

Was that okay?

- Ramiro! - Miguelito! How are you?

I want to introduce you to Carlos Celorio.

He has a great business proposal for you.

Thanks.

This city has really changed. It's like Wall Street.

Here. I already know what I'm having.

- Andrea... - It's my first time here.

I can't suggest anything.

Why do you let him treat you like this?

It's none of your business.

Serrano steak! I haven't had that in years.

- It's awful here. - Would you like to order?

A Serrano steak for the lady

and a Grilled Red snapper for me. No broccoli.

Aren't we going to wait for Miguel?

Don't take too long. We're in a hurry.

Do you know there are species that cannot reproduce

when they are in captivity?

What an interesting conversation!

The sensation of being locked up makes the males violent

and the females enraged.

Mandrills are capable of killing each other

under those circumstances.

Are you trying to tell me something?

- Why did you come here? - That doesn't matter.

What do you mean it doesn't matter?

Remember the Minotaur?

The strange creature that's half bull, and now half publicist?

Well, that creature used to devour women.

If it didn't, it would die. Do you understand?

- You have to... - Keep listening to you

with my mouth open, right?

Yes, I know you went to college.

I'm going to the bathroom.

What's with her?

Sorry María, I was with Ramiro Hernández.

María, the Director of the Commercial Bank.

The other day, I beat him playing golf.

My best 18 holes, three under pair.

He's so selfish, Pilar!

You just found out, honey? They're all selfish, Susana.

He is not the problem, you are, darling.

He's never going to change.

- So what do I do then? - Cheat on him.

- What? - Yeah.

- Do it with somebody else. - I can't.

Let me explain something.

Men's main problem is their ego.

It's such a big problem that just once is not enough.

You have to do it at least twice a week.

I don't dare, Pilar. He says...

He says that I've got beans for tits.

All right, enough.

Didn't you fancy Charlie Celorio?

He is outside at a table in this restaurant.

Go and ask him to shout you to some maguey worms.

Besides he's been promoted to chief of finances.

- If I get caught? - You get divorced.

- No! - Isn't that what you want?

- Andrea! - Please, be more careful!

Ramiro Hernández! My loan! I'll be back.

Get your oranges, sweet oranges,

oranges from Guerrero.

Ten oranges for 20 pesos.

Madam, bring your bag.

Sweet oranges, get your oranges.

One more!

Hey. Where are you taking that? No! Cirilo! Cirilo!

What the hell is going on with you?

What is going on with me? I was at the stadium.

Didn't you see us? We were there.

- Of course I saw you! - Why didn't you say hello?

Fucking cynic. Get the hell out of my house.

Hey. Easy, easy, wait, wait.

Did you hurt yourself, honey?

The carpet!

This will come out with mineral water. Let's try.

Stick your mineral water up your ass!

Hey. Where are your manners?

Where are yours, you whore!

Hey, don't Carlos! Carlos. Ana, wait, don't go.

Wait. Let's get this straight.

What did you see at the stadium?

You two were kissing!

- She started it. - You were spying on us?

No, wait. Just a moment!

That's a very naughty thing to do, Carlitos.

- Seek and you shall find. - You son of a bitch!

- Just get out now! - All right, all right.

All right.

Carlitos it is with great sorrow that I see

that you haven't changed. Not a bit.

You have to control your anger.

Asshole!

Carlitos. Let me give you a piece of advice.

You should listen to me. You're stuck in the same place.

I'm tired of telling you: Ana will not eat you alive.

But she's a nympho obsessed. Why else would she kiss you?

She wants you to look at her!

It's obvious! You don't pay her any attention.

I've told her a thousand times.

I can give her other things, but all she thinks about is...

Marzipan? Well, give it to her. Why are you so selfish?

- One moment! - Stay out of this!

Ana told me she wants you to be less resistant.

Carlitos, stop thinking about yourself all day long.

What she needs is a lover, and that's not me.

I can't only be thinking about...

- Carlitos. - Stop calling me Carlitos!

You can but you won't.

I've tried, but she always wants more.

- It's an excuse. - Shut up, you both!

I'm the only one who knows what I need.

And you know what I need? Fresh air!

Ana.

See what you've done?

Don't worry about me. I'm leaving too.

- You're leaving with her? - Don't worry.

I don't want to have anything to do with women.

You're both together in this.

Where are you going? New York?

- Get out of my way, damn it! - Moron!

Andrea.

Forgive me. I don't know why it happened.

Since what happened with Michael I feel...

Forget it.

There is nothing between Miguel and me.

And there never will be.

Andrea, don't give up on yourself,

you're all you've got.

I'll get my things.

Don't worry, it's not your fault.

It's the straw that broke...

Please, call me at my office before you leave for San Diego.

See you.

Thanks.

- You forgot this. - Thanks.

Carlos, I want to apologize.

I'll send you my new address later.

Where shall I take you, young man?

- To prison, please. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on!

You can stay!

Miguel was always talking about you.

You two used to write to each other?

Once. More than five years ago he wrote me a letter.

I think he wasn't even married to you yet. That's all.

In bed he called me María many times.

The day he went to my family's house to ask for my hand

he called me María.

You don't know how much I hated you.

Don't worry. I'm not offended. I had no idea about any of this.

Look, I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but stay.

What?

I don't want you to go with him to New York!

- He told you that? - Yes.

Well, no. But he's going to invite you to go there

or something else. I know him. I'm so stupid.

I'm so stupid, such an idiot.

Damn!

Hello, Miguel. Going away on vacation?

- Carlitos! How are you? - Fine. And you?

Good, good, me too. No, no.

I'm not going away on vacation. About the dinner...

- It was tomorrow, wasn't it? - Yes.

Well, it's off. We can't do it.

Don't worry,

Ana had some problems herself and went on a trip too.

- Where are you going? - I don't know, to a hotel.

While I find an apartment.

- I broke up with Andrea. - What?

And you better pay the phone bill.

It's still in my name!

As for the rest, you can starve to death!

You'll be in a lot of trouble if you dare throw away my mail!

- Miguel. - Yes.

- Is Andrea in? - Yes.

Thanks.

- Hey, Carlitos. Ana and you... - We're through.

Bitch. Do you know what she's going to do?

She's going to go to Andrea and...

Why don't you stay with us for a few days?

- No, no. - Why pay for a hotel room?

No. Besides, I don't want to know anything about Andrea.

We'll close the curtains.

They say you're a great cook.

Me? No way, not at all.

Later. Let's have a drink.

Just one.

Girls, follow me!

Miguel, I'd like you to meet Tomás.

Let me see.

Trio of overexposed emancipated women.

Clarita. With you and without a husband

life is going to be so much easier.

Let's make a toast!

- To men! - Fuck off!

I mean, as bastards. Right, sister?

Cheers!

Look, they don't even know how to drink.

Within half an hour they'll either be crying or throwing up.

Gorgeous eyes!

Do you think God meant to create women this way

or was it another of His little mistakes?

Little? He really screwed us.

Carlitos, what do you think? You think God...

He's levitating.

Is the music ready, Andrea?

That's the way.

Look, Clarita, this is how to move.

Look, Clarita, like this.

Put that away. Now. Look. Like this.

Do you know that science has demonstrated that there are

- only three types of men? - My father, my sugar daddy,

- and those idiots. - No, no, no. One:

Those who promise what they'll never give you.

I've been promised quite a few things.

Two: Men who want you to be a lady at the table

and a whore in bed.

Could that be it?

I've always been a lady in bed and a whore at the table.

No, and three. I said three:

Those who look for a mother like beggars.

- Those men are the worst. - Come here, girls, look!

Carlitos. Where are you? Come here.

Sure. The problem with fucking women

is that they don't understand

that monogamy makes us miserable.

Resignation, Miguel. That's God's will.

No, that's not God's work.

You say that because you're promiscuous.

no, no, no.

I'm sorry, buddy, but which God are you talking about?

I don't mess around with your God,

don't mess around with mine.

I want to explain something, Carlitos.

Stop calling me "Carlitos".

All right, Mr. Carlos. Let me tell you that I change

my woman because I want an ear, not because I'm promiscuous.

- What? - Yes, yes, yes. An ear.

A virgin ear which enjoys, finds pleasure in and appreciates

my wonderful stories.

I make love because I'm a very sociable person.

But what I really like, what I really like is masturbation.

Come, come.

FIRST CALL

Did you see their stupid faces?

Second demonstration of science:

If men had an IQ

proportionally larger than the size of their dicks

they would be capable of understanding something.

Hey, Ana, and Carlos, is it big?

His IQ? Yeah.

Madam, what is an IQ?

I'll be damned.

Brother. What are you doing, man?

Don't I look good in my Armani?

No, no, let's see here, out.

Know what? There are two things women can do very well.

One is taking their stockings off, and two,

- taking up all our time. - And the clitoris, Miguelito?

- What about it? - What do you mean, Miguel?

Why do they hide it?

Honestly, how many hours of your life have you wasted

trying to find a clitoris?

Tomás,

I've never found a clitoris.

Where have you been looking?

Second curtain call.

They're pigs! He and his friends.

Look, they were here every Saturday.

Emptying my refrigerator and farting all the house.

No, no, no,

what a pleasure it was to go to the toilet

and sit on the seat splattered with piss. Disgusting!

Third scientific truth:

The way they pee is how they see the world.

They're vulgar. That's what they are!

Hey, stop it! That's enough!

I can't understand how they can roll around in a tub

with a whore or two and then, so easily

get into our bed with us. No. They are perverted,

degenerate, sex maniacs, sons of...

Don't drink anymore, Andrea.

But it's true! The only thing they think

about when they are with a woman is fucking her.

Well, it's logical.

They're pure instinct. They're mammals.

He's here!

I feel like I'm in Amsterdam.

Where's the popcorn?

Can't you see? Charlie, they're trying to seduce us!

- Should we forgive them? - Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

- Hi. - Hi.

Is Carlos home? He asked me for this book.

He's out jogging.

He won't be long. Want to wait in here?

- Are you alone? - Yes. Alone, alone.

Excuse me.

I need some suits. Is anyone there?

Yes. Ana and Andrea are home.

I don't know what you are doing there, María.

I have breakfast, lunch, sometimes I clean up.

And I cheer Andrea up. She needs to recover.

Yeah? And that's why she needs you.

Yes. She knows I know you.

Hey, women have very few advantages,

we don't have any choice but to be smarter than men.

As a first step, your wife is learning the subtle

art of indifference. She doesn't hate you anymore.

You don't know how grateful I am.

Excuse me. I'm going to change.

- Miguel. - Yes?

Could you be interested in me again?

After all that's happened?

What had to happen, happened.

- Could you? - No.

Why?

María,

Everything's changed.

I told you that since I arrived, you're no longer the same.

Yes, I'm not the same.

Your self-assurance, your theories,

and your invulnerability no longer impress me.

Now I like to live with people who make mistakes.

May I finish getting dressed?

And if we tried again?

Doesn't that sound nice?

Coming!

I'm coming!

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm looking for Ana. - She's sleeping.

- You want me to wake her? - No, no.

- May I come in? - Yes.

Comfy, right?

Can I offer you something to drink?

Do you have some ice?

Come on, Andrea.

You can't deny me some ice, can you?

Tomás, what do you want?

- Do you like it? - What?

The name Tomás.

My real name is Francisco Tomás Rulfo de Calabria.

Really.

No, I'll have to ask you not to drink in my house.

- Especially at this hour. - All right, all right.

You're right. "Just for today".

Sorry, but you'll have to leave. Look at me.

I have to get dressed and Ana is not going to get up.

- Okay. - Please.

You know that making love in the kitchen is an offering

- to the gods of the house? - Tomás.

Really. The god of fire, the god of bread,

the god of jelly, the goddess of butter...

The god of mashed potato.

The god of stew.

The kitchen is the paradise where love boils!

Tomás!

Men are shit, aren't they?

That hypocrite! And I thought she was my friend.

Andrea. Are you going out like that?

- Andrea. - What?

I'm not like other men.

I do believe in women.

That's why when I see all those men grabbing all the money,

intelligence, power, everything.

When I see Miguel being such a pig, do you know what I feel?

I feel deeply disgusted.

Hollow. Ashamed of myself.

Believe me, Andrea. I can help you.

I want to help you.

Hey! What's all the noise!

Miguel! What are you doing here?

I came for some suits. Is Andrea in?

She's in her room. Come in. Do you want a drink?

No.

Miguel!

When do you need the pictures you asked me for?

In a week.

And tell Andrea that I've canceled her card.

I'm not paying for her beauty parlor or for her shopping.

That's ironic.

She's probably gone to the beauty parlor or shopping.

Put something on. Bye.

Easy, easy, Miguel.

You son of a bitch.

I came looking for you but you were sleeping like a baby.

Shut your mouth!

At times the caterpillar has been considered

a very harmful plague in the world of agriculture.

- Don't change it! - Okay.

Can you pass me the salt?

Thanks.

It tastes good, good, good.

Shut up, will you?

What if we forget about women?

Because of them we've been about to kill each other.

We? I was relaxed, but this guy wanted...

I said shut up, damn it!

Go on.

Our lives don't satisfy us.

Our love relationships are

precarious,

mediocre

or they simply do not exist.

I think that the most convenient thing to do now is to turn...

- Gay. - No! Chaste.

- Chaste? - Yes.

- As in saintly? - Yes.

- You mean... - Yes, Ana, yes.

Well. But they can still call us on the phone?

- No. - Send us a fax?

No. It's all or nothing.

My God.

Andrea, for the tenth time.

I don't know what you saw through the window,

but I told you Miguel and me did absolutely nothing.

Don't be such an extremist!

Are you with me or against me?

With you.

Whose apartment is this?

Yours.

From now on, in this apartment,

entry to men is forbidden. Because I say so.

I don't think it's such a bad idea.

Andrea!

Look. Ana, let me put it this way:

Not one man for three months.

- Make it two. - Three.

It's for our own good, girls. Let's drink a toast!

Through chastity, we will find the way to happiness.

My God, why have you forsaken us?

It's been more than fifteen minutes.

There are people who stay like this for more than fifteen days.

So what? Do they get a prize?

I have a meeting at the office. See you.

Brother, I just can't. I can't hack this Zen thing.

Especially with this smog. It's impossible with this dust.

- I'll drive you. - No, you sit down.

Yes, mother Carlotta.

It's your turn to make dinner, Tomás.

Yes, auntie, bring me home a gram, please.

Of baking soda, I'll make a cake.

NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT VIRTUAL REALITY IS?

Where are you going?

I need no more meditation. I'll fuck and suck

because the world's about to end.

You won't find what you're looking for by fucking.

Explain yourself.

- Don't you get it? - Get what?

You're not going to get anywhere like this.

Tomás, you spend your life fucking as if you score

a point for every lay. Your philosophy is

"If you like it, do it,

with whomever and whenever you please".

- Aren't you scared? - Scared? Of what?

- Of becoming hollow. - Don't talk crap.

It's not crap, Tomás.

For years you've been dumping your energy into the gutter.

Deep down, you are terrified

of being seen the way you really are.

Nothing to say?

I'm going to hang out my laundry. I've got a lot.

Spicy food can awaken your lower instincts.

In India, there are three types of foods:

Satvic, Rajasic and Tamasic.

Spicy food, as our guide tells us,

excites the palate

and inspires gluttony, the twin sister of lust.

Spiritual purity begins in the stomach.

Pure foods. For example, the grain of corn used in pozole

is not eaten right away, instead...

She's not translating, she's making things up.

I'm off.

- Do you have more lemon? - Ana, we agreed we were not...

What, mother superior?

You didn't hear what our guide said about spicy food?

Pig!

Your macrobiotic food has produced

pimples on my back and my butt.

Thanks, handsome.

She doesn't understand a thing.

You know what she did last night?

- What? - Masturbate.

I heard her from my room.

Well, it's really hard for her. She used to fuck every day.

With Carlos? That nerd? No way.

Sex has nothing to do with the head.

That's what their fighting is all about.

The worst part is that sex always wins over head.

I'm beginning to crave pork rinds.

Hey, no! You can both get fucked!

Hey what's the lecture about, miss?

Andrea!

Tomás, I'm still meditating.

And I have to hang up all these clothes,

clean up the rooms and the bathroom,

and turn the oven on for the cake.

You don't have to, if you don't want.

I love it, ma'am. I love seeing how we're becoming queer.

You can't handle silence. Look at it this way.

Silence is the basis of sound. Continence is the basis of sex.

Stop acting like a moron!

Listen to me, Carlitos!

Listen very carefully.

I got involved in this shit to help you and Miguel.

You two were falling apart, not me, Carlitos.

It's very easy to blame it all on those poor bitches of women.

But, no. Love is not like that.

When you love someone, you open yourself up.

Otherwise, nothing happens.

What I saw here a month ago,

was something completely different.

Ana and you couldn't talk to each other.

Now do you understand why she left?

Tomás!

What's up?

Can I turn my radio on now, madam?

Mr. Mendizábal, here's the original.

They took the moon out and changed the blue.

Can you authorize it?

- Sir? - Later.

Roy can't give the work order until you do this.

- Didn't you hear me? - Yes.

- I'm going to change the music. - No, Tomás!

I can't iron to this.

Carlitos. I need some cognac and a gram.

There's some rum in the cupboard.

You know I love you, don't you?

You were right, Tomás.

She only asked me to touch her.

What are you waiting for?

You only have to cross the street.

Forget it! I'll never really know anything about women.

What the hell do you want to know?

I don't understand why a magazine

assigns me an essay about love,

when I don't have a fucking clue about it!

Why am I the way I am?

Look, a hieroglyphic.

Why don't we try again, Michael?

Michael. Michael!

No, I'm not shouting, Michael!

But...

Yes, but...

I love you. Please.

I've changed a lot, believe me. Believe me.

I've changed a lot. I can take the first flight.

Michael. But... Michael, No.

No! No, don't hang up on me, Michael!

The South African?

He is English.

The one you married for the passport?

Shut up, will you?

Love doesn't exist, isn't that so, doctor?

Leave me alone.

Why did you tell us you left him?

Because that's how it was.

You were crying and pleading.

Look, I know what you're thinking.

Why do you want to be cold and calculating?

I don't know.

I do. Because you want to be like them.

- In order to fight against them. - Against yourself.

We're women, María.

You're very pretty.

What are you laughing about?

Nothing. It's just that us ugly women find it funny

- to be told that we look pretty. - You're not ugly.

No, not that ugly.

But you're a woman.

What's that got to do with it?

Our two options: Pretty or tossed aside.

Know what we should do?

Demand the same right that men have to be ugly.

But you're not ugly.

Then tell me why every time those damn men look at me

I feel they either pity me

or they spurn me!

Forget it.

And I'm not going back to Michael.

Even if he begs me to.

Do either of you two know what an orgasm is?

No. Wait, wait. Who's that?

I don't know. It's in Belize.

And this one?

Let's see.

This one, I met her at a convention

in Acapulco, I think. Maybe not. Who the hell knows!

- You don't remember anyone. - Stop bothering me, pal!

This one looks as if you took her out of...

Yeah, probably, man.

Help yourselves.

Tomás,

your cake turned out divinely!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm about to leave and none of you have

said anything about my new earrings.

My vase! God!

I'm your mother and you couldn't bring

a vase to my house. I have no vases!

Son. What a shame!

I don't understand. I don't understand anything.

Listen to me. If you break one single thing, I'll kick

the three of you out of here.

Besides, you should open the windows.

It smells like a funeral in here.

- What are you burning? - Not this one, please!

- Not this one, please. - Tomás, stop being a clown.

If you break it... It's from the Ming dynasty.

Tomás, give my mother that vase.

- I don't want to! - Grow up!

All right, all right. Okay. Okay.

We're being dispossessed, Cirilo, violently.

No! He lives in there?

And his name is Cirilo!

Mom. The chauffeur is waiting for you.

The chauffeur!

He's so handsome.

I'm about to exchange this boy's father for him.

A woman like me doesn't enjoy sleeping in separate beds.

- Mom, please. - He is hypnotized by the TV.

- That's how it is, Carlos. - Yes, mom.

I expect you to call your uncle about that job.

If you two really were his friends,

you would at least take him to a strip joint.

Darling, when will you wake up?

Carlos, there is a world out there.

- Mom. - What?

Come.

- I need some... - Money?

I know. I deposited it into your account yesterday.

Get a haircut, you look dreadful.

Carlitos, your mother supports you?

She pays for some things.

Ana used to pay for everything.

Lucky you arrived, Miguel, now you can help.

I've got a scholarship.

- Nice little piece! - Let me see.

She is my mother, you asshole.

You lay her too, or you don't remember?

- Stop it, Tomás. - I had never met someone

more promiscuous than me.

I didn't do it out of lust, you prick.

Sure, you did it to help. Don't talk crap, Miguel.

No, really.

I slept with them because I wanted to know

if I was still able to fall in love.

Seriously.

I wanted to know if... I don't know,

maybe with one of them... Forget it, man.

With one of them what, Miguelito?

Nothing, nothing.

What about Andrea?

He always hurt me.

Ana, please!

He never cared. Or rather I guess he never knew.

He always thought I screamed from pleasure.

- You never tried to... - My vagina is too tight.

What did you feel?

Well, at first it hurt a lot,

and then nothing.

Well, yes,

I did feel something.

I felt dead inside, lying there with him pushing up

and down and squeezing me.

Andrea, you don't have to go on.

And then, you know what would I think?

I would think that I was another woman.

That the body that Miguel was penetrating wasn't mine.

It was one of his many little girl friends.

It was then when I looked at him.

I'd see how he enjoyed it.

He looked so beautiful.

Well, yes. I slept with them out of lust.

We hardly talked. We'd just fuck.

No, that's not true, they talked.

They'd tell me intimate things.

You know, that's how women are.

And I, well...

I told them jokes,

my anecdotes,

male things. I mean, nothing.

When they started getting too inquisitive,

I would stop seeing them.

Too inquisitive about what?

I don't know.

The truth.

About how inept,

empty

and superficial I am.

Ah, you guys are way too dramatic.

Let's go to the movies.

- Later, Tomás. - "Later, Tomás".

Why the fuck do you have to justify everything?

Yes, Miguel, we know you betrayed your ideals.

Everything you thought you could do went down the drain.

But you're all right.

You're successful, you have lots of money.

And a lot of women to sleep with.

Do you know what it feels like to ejaculate

and want to dress and get the hell out?

Why do we only think about fucking, fucking and fucking?

Who makes us believe in orgasms?

In my case, for example, I've always known

that my mind and my partners', any woman's,

are thousands of miles apart.

My God! Poor Andrea, why did she marry this cripple?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I could be twelve again.

Too much sanctity in this place. I've had it. I'm off.

I'm going to kick that son of a bitch in the balls!

Miguel is not to blame for everything in your life.

This came for you. I forgot.

Who brought it?

- A messenger. - Messenger?

Miguel!

- Voodoo? - No.

He's given me one every month,

to cheer me up, according to him.

I've always wanted a child. But I'm sterile.

He must be feeling guilty. He can go to hell.

Do you think anything is really going to change?

Because we've been here, like nuns for two weeks now.

No, no. It was her idea, not mine.

I'm not talking about that, Ana.

A little less sex doesn't hurt anyone.

Sex, sex is the key to the world.

I don't deny it.

I'm crazy about orgasms.

That little explosion in which one can find

the meaning to everything.

Stop exaggerating.

No, no, Andrea, to me it's like...

Like a picture!

It's about collecting moments.

That's what life is about, isn't it?

What about Carlos?

With him it was very strange.

He would get aroused,

but it was as if he could feel no pleasure.

Do you know what he used to tell me?

"Ejaculating is like blowing your nose".

His stupid mind was always somewhere else.

He lived locked in his questions like in a jail.

Well, no.

I must admit that there were days, many days,

when he was so attentive,

so sensitive.

He used to tell me so many things.

You see...

he was an excellent lover in the sentimental aspect,

but a failure in the technical one.

What a pity.

He was a great catch.

"Trio of stupid women in search for lost time".

Go and find him. There's still hope for you two.

For example, Venice is like a whore,

very old and with lots of makeup.

But Prague is mysterious.

It's a mystical city, like you.

Wait a second. I'll be right back.

- Hi, what's your name? - Patricia.

I don't know Patty, I was thinking.

Can you imagine a society without excrement?

It would be wonderful. All the shit would dissolve

inside our body and the crap would never come out.

We would never feel guilty.

Yeah, how nice.

It would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

I wouldn't have to feel like an asshole

after having thrown ten years of my life down the toilet.

Why are you dancing alone? Want to dance with me?

Yes sure. Let's go.

I'll be straight with you. I don't want you to be offended.

Do you need something more than physical attraction

to go to bed with me?

What's your story?

- You're crazy. - No wait, wait. I get it.

You're like all Mexican women. You need time.

How long? Five years? I'll wait.

I don't like you. What's more, you're pathetic.

Could you fall in love with me or do you think I'm a clown?

No, please don't get serious. I can't stand serious people.

If you and I were more honest,

we would already be fucking, without so much beating around

without so much protocol or so much fuss.

Don't go. Don't leave!

I only wanted to know if...

Dance with me!

Isn't there anyone here who can love me for a little while?

No. I'm behaving myself. No. No.

That place really hops, doesn't it, mister?

Hi.

Hi.

Sorry.

Why don't you go up?

Carlos has been waiting for you for over a month.

He adores you.

I don't dare.

Me neither.

How scary.

The Moon.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I'm finished.

You're not finished.

You just have to start again.

With you?

You're drunk.

Let's go, I'll help you up. Come on.

It's stuck.

No. Here, this way.

Okay, Tomás, enough.

You'll wake up the neighbors.

We're here. Open the door.

I don't have the strength. You open it.

- Give me the key. - I don't have it.

I don't have anything. They've got me locked up in here.

Today I escaped again.

You do love me, don't you?

Of course I love you.

No, Tomás. No more.

Hold me.

Please, hold me.

Come here, come here. There. It's okay.

What's the matter with you two? Are you sick?

- Wait, Tomás is... - Don't interfere!

What's going on?

- Why did you pick up Ana? - He didn't come looking for me.

I found him downstairs drunk and helped him up the stairs.

Stay on the stairs. You're not coming in here.

What's your problem, little writer?

I haven't touched Ana because she came looking for you.

Feel lucky, fucking idiot. You don't have to miss her,

because Ana's with you, not me.

Fucking eunuch.

It's okay Miguel. Don't worry so much.

I love women too.

I'm happy with anyone who desires my body.

I'm not worried.

Fucking cynic. If you were capable of loving you'd care!

It's easy to call each other "darling,"

to have pictures of the children who already go to school.

Why do you need this wonderful woman for?

To show her off during dinner with your friends.

Is that what love is, you little writer? I pity you.

The sex machine won't shut up.

Calm down already!

- Tomás! - Calm down!

Do you remember? Do you remember?

"Nothing we find satisfies us. Nothing.

It only lasts for a few moments and then it's gone".

- Bravo! - Stop it, both of you! Enough.

It's your phrase.

That's the first thing I heard when I came to this apartment

and peeked in through that door.

So, hypocrite? You know what life is all about?

Are you all right?

Let me go! Explain it to me!

I don't have a fucking clue!

Do whatever you want.

Your problems no longer interest me.

Sure. I'm always the story nobody was interested in.

Only the birds. So, as soon as I can, I fly away.

Poor you. How romantic.

Now, get out.

What a shame that my only friend has changed so much.

Take care of Cirilo.

Tomás! Tomás!

Tomás!

EARTH DWELLERS, YOUR PLANET STINKS

- Write to me. - I promise.

And are you coming to visit me in San Diego?

I promise.

Although, well, now that I've got my job, well...

I don't know if I'll be able to.

- They gave it to you? - I start on Monday.

- Congratulations. - Thank you, thank you.

- Thanks for everything. - Thank you.

Bye.

Have a good trip.

Andrea.

Remember, you only have yourself.

I'm going to miss you.

I came for the rest of my things.

- May I come in? - Yes, sure.

The movers may come up for the bed.

I've cleared all my things out. The keys are on the bed.

Good-bye.

No, no, Miguel. No more.

And if we were to try again?

Doesn't that sound nice?

Good-bye, Miguel.

I'm leaving now.

Here. Take this with you.

- They published it? - Yes. Page 19.

"Sex, Shame and Tears". Sex?

Do you know what sex is?

Ana.

The cover.

Are they coming for his things today?

Yes. His brother.

He told me to take care of him.

Right, Cirilo?

When I get the phone on, I'll send you the number.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

- Will you forgive me? - Will you forgive me?

What are you looking at?

Your ass.

And this miracle?

I want to make love to you.

What are you on?

Cry-baby.

Bashful.

- Someone's ringing the bell. - Don't worry about it.

Darling, the whole neighborhood will see us.

Who's being chaste now?

I love you.

It's going to be tomorrow. Let's go.

MOVING COMPANY