All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E17.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Earl Narrating ]
There's nothing more romantic...

than the morning after
a honeymoon with your new bride.

You change
your own sheets today.

Wow.
Last night--

I mean, that was--
Ooh.

I didn't get too rough
with you, did I?

It's nothin'
a bucket of ice on
my husband parts can't fix.

I have a little
surprise for you.

I started up my own list.

Oh, my God!
This is fantastic!

You actually--
Give me a second.

Thank you, karma!
You gave me the best
woman in the world!

[ Man ]
Screw you! I came
to this motel to die!

[ Woman ]
Yeah! Stop showing off
your happiness!

[ Man #2 ]
Somebody help!
My hooker stopped breathing!

Sorry, it's just that
I finally found my soul mate!

[ Bullet Ricochets ]
My bad.

Sorry for the outburst.

The neighbors
send their regards.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew marriage was about
give and take.

I just didn't realize
how much I would have to give...

and how much Billie would take.

What's, uh, goin' on
with the chips, honey?

Sharing-- It's what
married people do.

Well, it's just that I have
everything timed out perfectly
for "crunch, sandwich, crunch."

Now that you took that chip,
I'm gonna be left with one bite
of sandwich and no crunch.

That's crazy, baby.

Uh, it's not crazy.
Just what I like to do.

Yeah, but I'm a sharer.
I mean, that just who I am.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When you marry a woman
you hardly know,

you have to learn a lot
about her quickly,

and that's what I was doin'
with Billie.

I learned
she always kept track
of my comings and goings.

Where you goin'?
Soda machine.

What are you getting?
Soda.

When are you comin' back?
When I get soda.

Love you!

I learned she had
different ideas about
clothes than I did.

Oh, my God.
What do you think?

I can't
breathe.

And I learned a little bit
about her boundaries.

She had none.
Whoa! Private time!

Shy pee-er in here!
Don't be ridiculous.

We're married now.
You don't have to be shy.

[ Zips ]
Is it always that color?

** [ Rock ]

This song is lame.
Someone has to take control
of this jukebox.

I'm gonna go put on
some Van Halen.

Sweet! J-19--
"Runnin' With the Devil."

Ew, no!
The real Van Halen,
with Sammy Hagar.

I don't get it, Randy.
Clearly, karma wants me
and Billie to be together.

But there's 20 songs on that
jukebox with David Lee Roth
Van Halen,

and she spends
good money
on a Hagar?

I know, Earl.
But a lot of people like him.

That's why it's on the jukebox.

Maybe so, but what about
that crap she pulled
with the chips?

Some people don't mind
sharin' chips.

Please.
It's no big deal.
I'll get a crunch next time.

Wow.

Everybody's got some
little annoying habits, Earl,
even you.

Like when you're thinkin'?
You always raise just
one eyebrow. I hate that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Maybe Randy was right.

Maybe the problem
wasn't my wife.
Maybe the problem was me.

- [ Groans ]
- Great jukebox.

They even have
some Lynyrd Skynyrd
from after the plane crash.

[ Earl Narrating ] I decided
to focus on the one thing I knew
we could agree on-- the list.

Let's see.
What should we do
first on your list?

Hey, this guy's
on my list too.

[ Earl Narrating ]
In Camden County, if you were
a champion bagger,

it usually meant that
you bagged a lot of chicks.

But Joel was
a different kind of bagger.

You're watching
Camden's own Joel Maloney...

demonstrating the skill
that's earned him a place in the
National Bagging Competition,

scheduled to kick off tomorrow
in beautiful Youngstown, Ohio,
rivet capital of the world.

Joel, are you nervous?
Kind of.

But, you know, this is
what everybody who's ever worked
at a grocery store dreams of.

Bringin' home
that Golden Sack!

-That loser's goin' out of town.
-While he's gone
we should clean him out.

I'm sick of all those grocery
workers walkin' around, actin'
like they're better than us.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And once word spread,

every criminal in Camden
decided to go shopping.

As a courtesy, everyone
who stole from Joel
left the TV on...

so the others could see
when he was on his way back.

I'm here live
at the National
Bagging Competition...

with one of the hot, young
newcomers on the scene
this year, Joel Maloney.

Joel, congratulations
on your first-round victory.

Most people
don't realize how exhausting
competitive bagging is.

Actually, I had to run out
and put some more quarters in
the parking meter, but thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The longer poor Joel competed,
the emptier his house got.

And Billie,
just like everyone else,
wanted a piece of the action.

[ Scoffs ]
Should've got here earlier.

Guess all you get's the broom.
[ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ]
Oh!

You can have the broom.
I'll take the fan.

[ Cheering ]

Whoa! Joel Maloney
just put an exclamation point
on this one!

It's the third day
of competition,

and nobody's
come within 12 nectarines
of the pride of Camden.

[ Earl Narrating ]
By the time we got there,

people had already stolen
everything that
wasn't nailed down.

So we took what was.

I know
you're disappointed, Joel.

But second place is still
something to be proud of.

What are you gonna do
with that $25 gift certificate
to Applebee's?

I guess I'll go
to Applebee's.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joel thought
he was disappointed then.

But it was
about to get a lot worse.

Of course when Joel came home
with his gift certificate,

he saw that
his house was trashed.

The first stop in repaying Joel
was to visit Joy's
tipped-over trailer...

to get back
his carpet and his TV.

Excuse me.
Just curious, but how do you
use the bathroom in here?

Joy put a seat
on the exhaust fan.

Neighbors hate it,
but it works like a dream.

Huh.
[ Thud ]

Hey, Joy,
when we were first married,

was there stuff about
each other that we, uh,
had trouble gettin' used to?

Oh, God, yeah.
Your stupid chip crunch
thing, that eyebrow--

Oh, and the foreplay.
Darnell, you wouldn't have
believed this guy's foreplay.

It was just a wrestling match
to see who got
to be on the bottom.

[ Chuckles ]
I bet that was
a hoot to watch--

you all red-faced,
trying to get out of doin' work.

It wasn't that.
I liked lookin' up at her.

Oh, you were just lazy.
But I accepted it.

That's all marriage is--

accepting the annoying crap
your partner
makes you put up with.

That's even true
in the animal kingdom.

You think the tomcat
likes the way the lady cat
screeches when he humps her?

He keeps coming back
to hit that kitty.

[ Groans ]
This carpet's got
a lot of memories, Earl.

Remember when
I took it up on the roof
and tried to fly on it?

Hard to forget.
You cracked your head open,

and for three weeks,
you thought you were president
of an insurance company.

- You tried to fire me.
- Nothin' personal, Earl.

You just weren't
making the sales.

And Shirley from Accounting
hated you.

Man, brains are funny.
You shake 'em around
hard enough,

and it's like, "Whoa,
who's steering this ship?"

[ Joel Over Speaker ]
What do you want?

Um, hi, my name is Billie.

I once did a bad thing to you,
but I have this list,
and you're on it,

and I want to
make up for it.

[ Locks Clicking ]

Is this some kind of trick?

No, really, we're-we're sorry
for stealin' your stuff.
We brought it back.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I told Joel that once
we put the carpet back down,

it'd be like we never took it.

Don't worry.
We'll-We'll get it cleaned.

And we'll get you
some new rabbit ears
for the TV.

I sent Randy
to go get some, but--

Ah, you don't wanna
hear the end of that story.

It doesn't matter.

The robbery was far
from the worst thing
that happened that day.

[ Grunts, Screams ]
[ Earl Narrating ] The graffiti
hurt Joel's feelings,

and the stud behind the graffiti
broke most of the bones
in Joel's hand.

Ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I was never able
to compete again.

[ Gagging ]
It's been swollen and twisted
like this for seven years.

Sometime during year four
I tried to hammer it flat, but
I think it just made it worse.

Well,
enjoy your ceiling fan.

Excuse me a minute.

Billie,
y-you can't cross Joel
off your list yet.

Why not?
I gave him back
the ceiling fan.

That's what
I stole from him.
We need to do more.

We-We took away
his dream of ever winning
a national championship.

Of bagging.
I mean, look at him.

He's a sweaty guy.
I think he's just psyched
to have his fan back.

Take care, Joel.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was stunned.

We didn't just disagree
about chips and sandwiches
or peeing with the door open...

or how to spell "warehouse."

We also didn't agree
on the most important thing
in my life-- the list.

[ Sighs ]

So, Joel,
you seem to have
a lot of room here.

[ Voice Breaking ]
Do you think you might want
to adopt an earless rabbit?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was disappointed Billie
had given up on Joel,

but I still had
a job to do.

Joel was just
a store sweeper now,

and it made me sick
to see how this once-great
competitor was being humiliated.

I appreciate
your good intentions, Earl,

and a round-trip ticket
to anywhere Greyhound goes
is a very generous offer,

but I'm fine.

Hey, southclaw!
Price check on peas!

Nice catch,
southclaw's friend.

That was a nice catch.

Wow, you're a natural.

Natural what?
A natural bagger.

Hands that special
are a rare gift, Earl.

Some say Jesus
had hands like that,

and that he fit every
food item from the Last Supper
into one bag.

Ah, if only I had your
hands now, instead of this
clump of spastic meat.

Earl, that's it.
That's what you
could do for me!

Yeah, I'd-I'd love to find
a simpler way to help you
without giving you my hands.

No, I don't want your hands.
I wanna train them.

I'll never be a champion,
but I can make one.

Work with me,
and we'll win the national
bagger title together.

Me? But I never even
graduated high school.

That doesn't matter. With
my knowledge and your incredible
ability to grab things?

We could do this, Earl.

Together,
we'll be unstoppable.

** [ "Gonna Fly Now" ]
[ Earl Narrating ]
So Joel started training me.

It was like Rocky
meets Supermarket Sweep.

Don't see the food,
feel the food.

[ Grunts ]
Go!

Come on, come on, come on.

[ Groans ]
No! Come on. Do it again.
You can do this.

Go!

Come on!
[ Stopwatch Beeps ]

[ Beeps ]
Again.

Right there--
You cross your right hand
under your left,

and then you had to
uncross it before you
reached for the next item.

Did you see that?
I-I think so.

You think so?
Let's watch it again.

Go!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then, just like that,

all the drills, the sweat--
it all clicked into place.
[ Chorus ] * Trying hard now

- I got it! I got it!
- * It's so hard now

In fact, I got it so much
that I won the first round
of the tournament.

* Trying hard now
Bag blue! Winner!

[ Announcer ]
How about a big hand for
newcomer Earl Hickey,

who's moving on
to the elite eight.

[ Earl Narrating ] I also
won the second round against
some schmo from Schenectady.

[ Announcer ]
And Barry Schmo
heads home with an empty sack.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And in a tough one, I took care
of Angry Gustav from Baltimore.

- Bag blue!
- Ahh!

[ Announcer ]
Cleanup on table two.
Cleanup on table two.

[ Earl Narrating ]
That put me in the finals
against Lance Parker,

a giant in the bagging world.

- He also went
by the name of Bagger Lance.
- Can I have your autograph?

You want that
on paper or plastic?
[ Chuckles ]

This kid just asked
for my autograph.

I said, "You want that
on paper or plastic?"
[ Chuckles ]

He's a 12-time champion, Earl.
You gotta beat him.

Don't worry, Joel.
It's in the bag.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Backstage, Randy
tried to keep me loose.

Man, Earl, your glutes
are really tight.

Probably 'cause
you got your hands
on my glutes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I was just
finishing up my list.

You finished it already?
Yep.

How could you finish
so fast?

Maybe she did 'em in order.
I keep telling you, Earl.

If we did yours in order,
at least we'd have
some idea how we're doin'.

I called everyone up
and said I was sorry.

So the tourists you
carjacked and robbed--

you just said
you were sorry?

Well, actually,
they're back in Japan.

And the Japanese hunt whales,
and that's bad.
So I figured it was a wash.

And you feel fine
about that?
Yeah.

Karma doesn't have to be
as hard as you make it,
Earl.

I mean, three years and
you haven't even finished half
the stuff on your list?

I-I had to take
two weeks off
for the chicken pox.

All I'm saying
is work smarter, not harder.

Hey, it looks like
the student is
becoming the master.

How you like that,
grasshopper? Huh? Huh?

[ Earl Narrating ]
When you're married, you have
to bite your tongue a lot...

over all the little things
that don't matter.

But some things matter a lot.
[ Panting ]

This one's not me!

What?
This one is not me!

Maybe I was wrong
to complain about
"crunch, sandwich, crunch"...

or whose Van Halen's better,
but this is karma
we're talkin' about here!

Karma! You're wrong!

Are you gonna cry?
I don't know, maybe!

But-But I do know
you don't half-ass something
just to get it done!

Whether it's competitive bagging
or doing the list--
especially the list--

you pour your whole
damn heart into it!

Otherwise,
what the hell's
the point?

And how do you like it
when someone pokes you, huh?

[ Snaps, Cracks ]
Ow! Finger, finger,
finger, finger!

- [ Voice Cracking ]
What the hell?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I acted on instinct.
I have bad finger-pointing
memories.

I had a very picky mother.

Well, at least you know
never to do that again.

Okay.

Well, good luck
out there, you. Mmm.

I think it's broken.

I know how to fix that, Earl.
Just twist it back
the other way.

[ Screams ]
Randy, let go!

Hang in there, Earl.
I'm only about halfway around.

[ Crunching ]
[ Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
It didn't make sense.

Karma had brought me and Billie
together so I could
teach her to do her list.

But instead,
now I couldn't do mine.

That hurt?
Yep, it's broken.
[ Inhales ]

I let you go
back out there like this,

they could pull
my bagging competition
inspection license.

I can't remember the address
of the Web site where I got it.
So, I'll inform the judges.

So sorry, Joel.
I hope you're not mad at me.

Look, Earl, you reminded me
that some things
are worth living for.

And then
you took that away.

So, of course
I'm mad at you.

Hey, you each have
one good hand.

Together, you have
two good hands,

four good eyes,
pretty smiles.

You guys are handsome.

Wait. Where was
I goin' with this again?

Randy's right.
We do have two good hands.
Joel, get the rule book.

[ Chattering ]
Can I have
your attention, please?

Due to a forfeit,
this year's Golden Sack
Award goes to--

[ Whispers ]
Earl Hickey's gonna bag.
Earl Hickey's gonna bag?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Earl Hickey's gonna bag!

And he's gonna bag with me.
The rule book doesn't say
two people can't bag.

It just says
you can only use two hands.

This is outrageous.
No, let 'em do it.

I'll beat both these turkeys
at the same time.

Mano a mano...

a mano.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Isn't she somethin'?
Jennifer Jackson, this year's
Miss Bag On Her Head.

Okay, baggers,
take your marks.

Get set.
Bag! Bag! Bag!

[ Man ]
* Couldn't stop movin'
when it first took hold *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Bagger Lance had both his hands
perfectly coordinated.

We did not.

** [ Continues ]

Lance was so good,
he was even hammin' it up
for the crowd.

* Don't you know I'm never
gonna lose that funky sound *

Huh!

- * Rock and roll
hoochie koo *
- Bag red!

* Rock and roll
hoochie koo *

Anyway, the vet said
he should be able to live
a completely normal rabbit life.

He just won't be able
to hear long distances.

I told you, Randy.
I'll only take him if you
let me make him into stew.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Lance had gotten a head start,

but we finally
found our rhythm too.

- * 'Squitos start buzzin'
'bout this time of year *
- Bag blue!

* Goin' round back
Said she'd meet me there *

* We were rollin' in the grass
grows behind the barn *

Bag red!

* My ears started ringin'
like a fire alarm *

[ Earl Narrating ]
We were still behind,
so we had to step it up.

- * Rock and roll
hoochie koo *
- Bag blue!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since Bagger Lance was
a 12-time champion,

he started gettin' a little
overconfident, and he reached
for a pineapple too recklessly.

- I'm cut!
- [ Crowd Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even that didn't slow him down.

Lance was the best bagger
I'd ever seen.

- Stupid fruit.
- And I'd seen five.

We didn't have more hands
than he did, but what
we did have was more hearts.

[ Slowed Down ]
Tangelo!
No!

** [ Continues ]

[ Crowd Oohs ]

[ Crowd Cheers ]

Bag blue!

Earl won! He did it!
We get to go home now!

[ Crowd Cheering ]
* Lordy, Mama, light my fuse *

What a victory. Congratulations,
gentlemen. You just
bagged yourself a trophy.

No, we double-bagged it!

Earl,
maybe some people think
this bagging stuff is silly,

but it's been my life's passion
ever since my first trip
to a grocery store.

Stepping on that black pad,

the doors whistling open,
the beep of the scanner--

Anyway, you gave me
my life back, Earl.

Nice bagging, Joel.

Thanks, ladies.

Grocery groupies--
They love a winner.

Anyway, thanks
for everything, Earl.

You're welcome, Joel.

Earl?

I get it now.

I wasn't putting
my whole heart
into this list thing.

But seeing how hard
you two worked up there,

and seeing how proud
Joel is now--

well, how proud
both of you are--
I get it.

That means more to me
than you know.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It did mean a lot,

'cause if me and Billie could
see eye to eye about karma,

maybe we were gonna be
all right after all.

And you know what I was thinking
when you were standing up there?
You should lose the mustache.

Yep. You need to shave it.

I don't like her.
She's gotta go.