Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] There's nothing more romantic...

than the morning after a honeymoon with your new bride.

You change your own sheets today.

Wow. Last night--

I mean, that was-- Ooh.

I didn't get too rough with you, did I?

It's nothin' a bucket of ice on my husband parts can't fix.

I have a little surprise for you.

I started up my own list.

Oh, my God! This is fantastic!

You actually-- Give me a second.

Thank you, karma! You gave me the best woman in the world!

[ Man ] Screw you! I came to this motel to die!

[ Woman ] Yeah! Stop showing off your happiness!

[ Man #2 ] Somebody help! My hooker stopped breathing!

Sorry, it's just that I finally found my soul mate!

[ Bullet Ricochets ] My bad.

Sorry for the outburst.

The neighbors send their regards.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] I knew marriage was about give and take.

I just didn't realize how much I would have to give...

and how much Billie would take.

What's, uh, goin' on with the chips, honey?

Sharing-- It's what married people do.

Well, it's just that I have everything timed out perfectly for "crunch, sandwich, crunch."

Now that you took that chip, I'm gonna be left with one bite of sandwich and no crunch.

That's crazy, baby.

Uh, it's not crazy. Just what I like to do.

Yeah, but I'm a sharer. I mean, that just who I am.

[ Earl Narrating ] When you marry a woman you hardly know,

you have to learn a lot about her quickly,

and that's what I was doin' with Billie.

I learned she always kept track of my comings and goings.

Where you goin'? Soda machine.

What are you getting? Soda.

When are you comin' back? When I get soda.

Love you!

I learned she had different ideas about clothes than I did.

Oh, my God. What do you think?

I can't breathe.

And I learned a little bit about her boundaries.

She had none. Whoa! Private time!

Shy pee-er in here! Don't be ridiculous.

We're married now. You don't have to be shy.

[ Zips ] Is it always that color?

** [ Rock ]

This song is lame. Someone has to take control of this jukebox.

I'm gonna go put on some Van Halen.

Sweet! J-19-- "Runnin' With the Devil."

Ew, no! The real Van Halen, with Sammy Hagar.

I don't get it, Randy. Clearly, karma wants me and Billie to be together.

But there's 20 songs on that jukebox with David Lee Roth Van Halen,

and she spends good money on a Hagar?

I know, Earl. But a lot of people like him.

That's why it's on the jukebox.

Maybe so, but what about that crap she pulled with the chips?

Some people don't mind sharin' chips.

Please. It's no big deal. I'll get a crunch next time.

Wow.

Everybody's got some little annoying habits, Earl, even you.

Like when you're thinkin'? You always raise just one eyebrow. I hate that.

[ Earl Narrating ] Maybe Randy was right.

Maybe the problem wasn't my wife. Maybe the problem was me.

- [ Groans ] - Great jukebox.

They even have some Lynyrd Skynyrd from after the plane crash.

[ Earl Narrating ] I decided to focus on the one thing I knew we could agree on-- the list.

Let's see. What should we do first on your list?

Hey, this guy's on my list too.

[ Earl Narrating ] In Camden County, if you were a champion bagger,

it usually meant that you bagged a lot of chicks.

But Joel was a different kind of bagger.

You're watching Camden's own Joel Maloney...

demonstrating the skill that's earned him a place in the National Bagging Competition,

scheduled to kick off tomorrow in beautiful Youngstown, Ohio, rivet capital of the world.

Joel, are you nervous? Kind of.

But, you know, this is what everybody who's ever worked at a grocery store dreams of.

Bringin' home that Golden Sack!

-That loser's goin' out of town. -While he's gone we should clean him out.

I'm sick of all those grocery workers walkin' around, actin' like they're better than us.

[ Earl Narrating ] And once word spread,

every criminal in Camden decided to go shopping.

As a courtesy, everyone who stole from Joel left the TV on...

so the others could see when he was on his way back.

I'm here live at the National Bagging Competition...

with one of the hot, young newcomers on the scene this year, Joel Maloney.

Joel, congratulations on your first-round victory.

Most people don't realize how exhausting competitive bagging is.

Actually, I had to run out and put some more quarters in the parking meter, but thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ] The longer poor Joel competed, the emptier his house got.

And Billie, just like everyone else, wanted a piece of the action.

[ Scoffs ] Should've got here earlier.

Guess all you get's the broom. [ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ] Oh!

You can have the broom. I'll take the fan.

[ Cheering ]

Whoa! Joel Maloney just put an exclamation point on this one!

It's the third day of competition,

and nobody's come within 12 nectarines of the pride of Camden.

[ Earl Narrating ] By the time we got there,

people had already stolen everything that wasn't nailed down.

So we took what was.

I know you're disappointed, Joel.

But second place is still something to be proud of.

What are you gonna do with that $25 gift certificate to Applebee's?

I guess I'll go to Applebee's.

[ Earl Narrating ] Joel thought he was disappointed then.

But it was about to get a lot worse.

Of course when Joel came home with his gift certificate,

he saw that his house was trashed.

The first stop in repaying Joel was to visit Joy's tipped-over trailer...

to get back his carpet and his TV.

Excuse me. Just curious, but how do you use the bathroom in here?

Joy put a seat on the exhaust fan.

Neighbors hate it, but it works like a dream.

Huh. [ Thud ]

Hey, Joy, when we were first married,

was there stuff about each other that we, uh, had trouble gettin' used to?

Oh, God, yeah. Your stupid chip crunch thing, that eyebrow--

Oh, and the foreplay. Darnell, you wouldn't have believed this guy's foreplay.

It was just a wrestling match to see who got to be on the bottom.

[ Chuckles ] I bet that was a hoot to watch--

you all red-faced, trying to get out of doin' work.

It wasn't that. I liked lookin' up at her.

Oh, you were just lazy. But I accepted it.

That's all marriage is--

accepting the annoying crap your partner makes you put up with.

That's even true in the animal kingdom.

You think the tomcat likes the way the lady cat screeches when he humps her?

He keeps coming back to hit that kitty.

[ Groans ] This carpet's got a lot of memories, Earl.

Remember when I took it up on the roof and tried to fly on it?

Hard to forget. You cracked your head open,

and for three weeks, you thought you were president of an insurance company.

- You tried to fire me. - Nothin' personal, Earl.

You just weren't making the sales.

And Shirley from Accounting hated you.

Man, brains are funny. You shake 'em around hard enough,

and it's like, "Whoa, who's steering this ship?"

[ Joel Over Speaker ] What do you want?

Um, hi, my name is Billie.

I once did a bad thing to you, but I have this list, and you're on it,

and I want to make up for it.

[ Locks Clicking ]

Is this some kind of trick?

No, really, we're-we're sorry for stealin' your stuff. We brought it back.

[ Earl Narrating ] I told Joel that once we put the carpet back down,

it'd be like we never took it.

Don't worry. We'll-We'll get it cleaned.

And we'll get you some new rabbit ears for the TV.

I sent Randy to go get some, but--

Ah, you don't wanna hear the end of that story.

It doesn't matter.

The robbery was far from the worst thing that happened that day.

[ Grunts, Screams ] [ Earl Narrating ] The graffiti hurt Joel's feelings,

and the stud behind the graffiti broke most of the bones in Joel's hand.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I was never able to compete again.

[ Gagging ] It's been swollen and twisted like this for seven years.

Sometime during year four I tried to hammer it flat, but I think it just made it worse.

Well, enjoy your ceiling fan.

Excuse me a minute.

Billie, y-you can't cross Joel off your list yet.

Why not? I gave him back the ceiling fan.

That's what I stole from him. We need to do more.

We-We took away his dream of ever winning a national championship.

Of bagging. I mean, look at him.

He's a sweaty guy. I think he's just psyched to have his fan back.

Take care, Joel.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was stunned.

We didn't just disagree about chips and sandwiches or peeing with the door open...

or how to spell "warehouse."

We also didn't agree on the most important thing in my life-- the list.

[ Sighs ]

So, Joel, you seem to have a lot of room here.

[ Voice Breaking ] Do you think you might want to adopt an earless rabbit?

[ Earl Narrating ] I was disappointed Billie had given up on Joel,

but I still had a job to do.

Joel was just a store sweeper now,

and it made me sick to see how this once-great competitor was being humiliated.

I appreciate your good intentions, Earl,

and a round-trip ticket to anywhere Greyhound goes is a very generous offer,

but I'm fine.

Hey, southclaw! Price check on peas!

Nice catch, southclaw's friend.

That was a nice catch.

Wow, you're a natural.

Natural what? A natural bagger.

Hands that special are a rare gift, Earl.

Some say Jesus had hands like that,

and that he fit every food item from the Last Supper into one bag.

Ah, if only I had your hands now, instead of this clump of spastic meat.

Earl, that's it. That's what you could do for me!

Yeah, I'd-I'd love to find a simpler way to help you without giving you my hands.

No, I don't want your hands. I wanna train them.

I'll never be a champion, but I can make one.

Work with me, and we'll win the national bagger title together.

Me? But I never even graduated high school.

That doesn't matter. With my knowledge and your incredible ability to grab things?

We could do this, Earl.

Together, we'll be unstoppable.

** [ "Gonna Fly Now" ] [ Earl Narrating ] So Joel started training me.

It was like Rocky meets Supermarket Sweep.

Don't see the food, feel the food.

[ Grunts ] Go!

Come on, come on, come on.

[ Groans ] No! Come on. Do it again. You can do this.

Go!

Come on! [ Stopwatch Beeps ]

[ Beeps ] Again.

Right there-- You cross your right hand under your left,

and then you had to uncross it before you reached for the next item.

Did you see that? I-I think so.

You think so? Let's watch it again.

Go!

[ Earl Narrating ] And then, just like that,

all the drills, the sweat-- it all clicked into place. [ Chorus ] * Trying hard now

- I got it! I got it! - * It's so hard now

In fact, I got it so much that I won the first round of the tournament.

* Trying hard now Bag blue! Winner!

[ Announcer ] How about a big hand for newcomer Earl Hickey,

who's moving on to the elite eight.

[ Earl Narrating ] I also won the second round against some schmo from Schenectady.

[ Announcer ] And Barry Schmo heads home with an empty sack.

[ Earl Narrating ] And in a tough one, I took care of Angry Gustav from Baltimore.

- Bag blue! - Ahh!

[ Announcer ] Cleanup on table two. Cleanup on table two.

[ Earl Narrating ] That put me in the finals against Lance Parker,

a giant in the bagging world.

- He also went by the name of Bagger Lance. - Can I have your autograph?

You want that on paper or plastic? [ Chuckles ]

This kid just asked for my autograph.

I said, "You want that on paper or plastic?" [ Chuckles ]

He's a 12-time champion, Earl. You gotta beat him.

Don't worry, Joel. It's in the bag.

[ Earl Narrating ] Backstage, Randy tried to keep me loose.

Man, Earl, your glutes are really tight.

Probably 'cause you got your hands on my glutes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

I was just finishing up my list.

You finished it already? Yep.

How could you finish so fast?

Maybe she did 'em in order. I keep telling you, Earl.

If we did yours in order, at least we'd have some idea how we're doin'.

I called everyone up and said I was sorry.

So the tourists you carjacked and robbed--

you just said you were sorry?

Well, actually, they're back in Japan.

And the Japanese hunt whales, and that's bad. So I figured it was a wash.

And you feel fine about that? Yeah.

Karma doesn't have to be as hard as you make it, Earl.

I mean, three years and you haven't even finished half the stuff on your list?

I-I had to take two weeks off for the chicken pox.

All I'm saying is work smarter, not harder.

Hey, it looks like the student is becoming the master.

How you like that, grasshopper? Huh? Huh?

[ Earl Narrating ] When you're married, you have to bite your tongue a lot...

over all the little things that don't matter.

But some things matter a lot. [ Panting ]

This one's not me!

What? This one is not me!

Maybe I was wrong to complain about "crunch, sandwich, crunch"...

or whose Van Halen's better, but this is karma we're talkin' about here!

Karma! You're wrong!

Are you gonna cry? I don't know, maybe!

But-But I do know you don't half-ass something just to get it done!

Whether it's competitive bagging or doing the list-- especially the list--

you pour your whole damn heart into it!

Otherwise, what the hell's the point?

And how do you like it when someone pokes you, huh?

[ Snaps, Cracks ] Ow! Finger, finger, finger, finger!

- [ Voice Cracking ] What the hell? - Oh, I'm sorry.

I acted on instinct. I have bad finger-pointing memories.

I had a very picky mother.

Well, at least you know never to do that again.

Okay.

Well, good luck out there, you. Mmm.

I think it's broken.

I know how to fix that, Earl. Just twist it back the other way.

[ Screams ] Randy, let go!

Hang in there, Earl. I'm only about halfway around.

[ Crunching ] [ Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ] It didn't make sense.

Karma had brought me and Billie together so I could teach her to do her list.

But instead, now I couldn't do mine.

That hurt? Yep, it's broken. [ Inhales ]

I let you go back out there like this,

they could pull my bagging competition inspection license.

I can't remember the address of the Web site where I got it. So, I'll inform the judges.

So sorry, Joel. I hope you're not mad at me.

Look, Earl, you reminded me that some things are worth living for.

And then you took that away.

So, of course I'm mad at you.

Hey, you each have one good hand.

Together, you have two good hands,

four good eyes, pretty smiles.

You guys are handsome.

Wait. Where was I goin' with this again?

Randy's right. We do have two good hands. Joel, get the rule book.

[ Chattering ] Can I have your attention, please?

Due to a forfeit, this year's Golden Sack Award goes to--

[ Whispers ] Earl Hickey's gonna bag. Earl Hickey's gonna bag?

Ladies and gentlemen, Earl Hickey's gonna bag!

And he's gonna bag with me. The rule book doesn't say two people can't bag.

It just says you can only use two hands.

This is outrageous. No, let 'em do it.

I'll beat both these turkeys at the same time.

Mano a mano...

a mano.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Isn't she somethin'? Jennifer Jackson, this year's Miss Bag On Her Head.

Okay, baggers, take your marks.

Get set. Bag! Bag! Bag!

[ Man ] * Couldn't stop movin' when it first took hold *

[ Earl Narrating ] Bagger Lance had both his hands perfectly coordinated.

We did not.

** [ Continues ]

Lance was so good, he was even hammin' it up for the crowd.

* Don't you know I'm never gonna lose that funky sound *

Huh!

- * Rock and roll hoochie koo * - Bag red!

* Rock and roll hoochie koo *

Anyway, the vet said he should be able to live a completely normal rabbit life.

He just won't be able to hear long distances.

I told you, Randy. I'll only take him if you let me make him into stew.

[ Earl Narrating ] Lance had gotten a head start,

but we finally found our rhythm too.

- * 'Squitos start buzzin' 'bout this time of year * - Bag blue!

* Goin' round back Said she'd meet me there *

* We were rollin' in the grass grows behind the barn *

Bag red!

* My ears started ringin' like a fire alarm *

[ Earl Narrating ] We were still behind, so we had to step it up.

- * Rock and roll hoochie koo * - Bag blue!

[ Earl Narrating ] Since Bagger Lance was a 12-time champion,

he started gettin' a little overconfident, and he reached for a pineapple too recklessly.

- I'm cut! - [ Crowd Groans ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Even that didn't slow him down.

Lance was the best bagger I'd ever seen.

- Stupid fruit. - And I'd seen five.

We didn't have more hands than he did, but what we did have was more hearts.

[ Slowed Down ] Tangelo! No!

** [ Continues ]

[ Crowd Oohs ]

[ Crowd Cheers ]

Bag blue!

Earl won! He did it! We get to go home now!

[ Crowd Cheering ] * Lordy, Mama, light my fuse *

What a victory. Congratulations, gentlemen. You just bagged yourself a trophy.

No, we double-bagged it!

Earl, maybe some people think this bagging stuff is silly,

but it's been my life's passion ever since my first trip to a grocery store.

Stepping on that black pad,

the doors whistling open, the beep of the scanner--

Anyway, you gave me my life back, Earl.

Nice bagging, Joel.

Thanks, ladies.

Grocery groupies-- They love a winner.

Anyway, thanks for everything, Earl.

You're welcome, Joel.

Earl?

I get it now.

I wasn't putting my whole heart into this list thing.

But seeing how hard you two worked up there,

and seeing how proud Joel is now--

well, how proud both of you are-- I get it.

That means more to me than you know.

[ Earl Narrating ] It did mean a lot,

'cause if me and Billie could see eye to eye about karma,

maybe we were gonna be all right after all.

And you know what I was thinking when you were standing up there? You should lose the mustache.

Yep. You need to shave it.

I don't like her. She's gotta go.