All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E16.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was nice bein' out of my coma
and back where I belonged,

but I couldn't get
Billie off my mind.

I was pretty sure
karma wanted me to find her.

It's official. There's only
two Billy Cunninghams
in the phone book,

and neither of those guys
thinks he's my soul mate.

Billie, Billie, Billie.
Don't you wanna hear
what's been going on with us?

Randy was our town crier
while you were comatose.

That's actually
a clever play on words,

in that he both recorded
the town happenings
and cried a lot.

Read the list, dum-dum.

"I got a notepad.
I got a paper cut.

Fire marshal kicked
Joy and family out of
their sideways trailer."

That's right, Dip Van Winkle.

Trailer's still on its side
since you knocked it over,

so now we live
in the Crab Shack.

I'm tellin' ya',
you gotta carry
the three.

This is my spelling homework.

Joy, I promise
I'll get your trailer
tipped right side up...

as soon as I get enough money
to rent a crane.

"A raccoon fought a opossum
for half a bag of
french fries...

"in the motel parking lot.

A fry got left behind.
I ate a fry."

- Oh, and I'm a lesbian.
- [ Randy ] Catalina,
it's not your turn yet.

Did I just hear
Chiquita Banana say
she isn't into bananas anymore?

What happened?
Did you get a bad banana?

It wasn't the bananas,
it was the trees
who waggle them around.

In The Wizard of Oz,
the trees threw apples.
Trees are bastards.

All men are bastards.
My father, who gambled me away
in a foosball game,

and my childhood sweetheart,
who convinced me to come to
this country only to abandon me.

Thanks to him, now I live
a fairy-tale life
of a maid and a stripper.

Oh, please.
I know what you're up to.

Pretending to be a lesbian will
probably double your business
at Club Chubby.

When I was in high school,
I told my gym teacher I was
a lesbian just to get a "B."

She hadn't called
my bluff in the shower,
I would've gotten an "A."

I'm a real Chapstick lesbian.

The only person
I wanna strip for now
is Miss Right.

Well, good luck.
I'm looking for
my Miss Right too.

Damn, Earl.
You got Frank's car.
You got Frank's trailer.

Now you want Frank's ex?
Why you gotta sleep inside
everything that's Frank's?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy's little insult
gave me an idea.

That's how
I'll find Billie-- Frank.

Let's go, Randy.

Finish up
your homework, boys.

Crab water's almost
cool enough for your bath.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
We found out because
of prison overcrowding,

Frank had been sent
to a halfway house.

[ Hooting, Whooping,
Whistling ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't looking forward
to talking to Frank,

seeing how
he used to date Billie
and he's crazy,

but he was my only chance
at finding her.

Oh, my God. Hey.

- Oh, my God.
It's good to see you.
- So, how are you?

Hungry. Really hungry.

They put tranquilizers
in our food to keep us down.

I'm starving.
I-I actually ate
a bar of soap yesterday.

This morning
I pooped bubbles.

Guys were running around
popping 'em.
It-It's crazy in here.

You want a little fruit?

I carry apple slices
in my pocket now.

We haven't gotten
to that page yet.

I gotta say,
you're looking good, Frank.

Strong, healthy.
Beautiful necklace.

Nah, it's not just a necklace.
I learned that the hard way.

- ** [ "Turkey In The Straw"
Over P.A. ]
- Ice cream! Ice cream!

[ Electricity Crackling ]
[ Groaning ]

[ Earl ]
Hey, Paco.
Saludos, Earl, Randy.

I used to deliver
for Camden Foreign Foods.

Being Senor Lo Mein sucks,
doesn't it?

Yes. But if you have a job,
they take your collar off...

and let you out of here
for eight hours a day.

Why don't you get a job
like Paco?

I refuse to dress like
a bullfighting yodeler
and dance like a monkey.

Keep eating soap, genius.
Bye.

So, we just, uh, came by
to find out how you were doin'.

I thought we were here
to find Billie.
Remember?

You said you were scared
because Frank used to date her.

You also said that one of us
should do all the talking.

It was you.
Go ahead, Earl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You wanna date Billie?

Yes, and I just want you to know
that karma's on my side,

so if you attack me,
something bad will
happen to you.

Aw, you know what?
Don't worry about it.
I-I'm over her anyway.

Really?
You're really over her?

Yeah. Plus, she's living
a good life now,
like you.

It'd be like if Mother Theresa
started dating that bald guy
in the diapers. What's his name?

Gumby.

Thanks, Frank. That means a lot.
So, can you help me find Billie?

Yeah, I could do that,
but you gotta help me first.

I need a job so I could
get outta here every day.

Maybe we can get him a job
as a bikini inspector.

I've seen the uniforms
on sale at the mall.

Or he could be a beaver hunter,
but you might need
a license for that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I knew I needed Frank's help,

so I went to see
if Darnell would be
willing to hire him.

He won't even be around
to bother you 'cause he'll be
helping me find Billie.

Are you sure
the boys are okay?

I told them they
were bunk beds,
and they believed me.

Startin' to realize
there's no point
in saving up for college.

I'll hire Frank
if it's okay with Joy.

The man did point a gun
at her belly when she was
delivering a baby.

Weren't my baby.
I don't give a crap.

- [ Phone Rings ]
- Oh, come on.

- Who calls a bar after 7:00?
We got kids sleeping.
- [ Ringing Continues ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
The next day,
Frank was officially employed...

and pretty excited to get
a little taste of freedom.

[ Panting ]

Frank thought the best place
to look for Billie
was her cousin Jocelyn's.

You have a lot of nerve
thinking you can walk in here
and ask me for a favor, dirtbag.

Did I mention I may have
had sex with Jocelyn...

while me and Billie
were on a short break?

No, you did not.

Because he's too much
of a gentleman.

I'm gonna go for a run.

- So, have you heard
from Billie?
- I may have.

Come on, Jocelyn, baby,
don't be pissed.

Besides, me and Billie
are over.

And you are looking
so fine, girl.

You know, she has
the most incredible feet.

Go ahead,
show him your feet.
Let him see 'em.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, Frank.

She stayed here for a while
after she got kicked out of
nursing school for cheating.

Mmm! There they are.
There is the stuff
right there, girl.

Cheatin'?
Billie was living a good life.

My diabetic ass.
That girl's been going nuts.

She stole my rent money,
siphoned my gas and then robbed
a liquor store on Christmas Day.

I mean, who holds someone
at gunpoint on Jesus' birthday?

Billie hit me on Christmas Day.

She was probably running
from the liquor store.

Sounds like
your girl's gone back
to the dark side.

Come and take a look
at these little sausages.
They're fantastic.

Uh, Jocelyn, do you have
any idea where Billie is now?

She called a week or so ago,
needing help.

Same old story.

You can check my caller I.D.
if you want.

This little piggy
went to the market.
This little piggy stayed home.

Jocelyn, you remember where
this little piggy went?
[ Giggling ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
We didn't know how to trace
the caller I.D. number,

so we went to the only person
we knew who had access
to the World Wide Web.

Yeah, it seemed like karma
was bringing Billie
to me as a reward,

but now I realize
karma was also
bringing me to Billie.

I think I'm supposed
to help her get
her life back on track.

Karma wants her
to be our girlfriend.

Ahh. That couldn't be
more romantic if Manilow
sang it in a bubble bath.

- [ Beeps ]
- Oh, oh, here's the number.

Looks like it's a pay phone.

Hey, wh-what's this
Web site you got covered up?

What's a "DILF"?

Oh, uh-uh-uh, that's, uh,
"Dads I'd Like to Find."

I-I-I've lost touch
with the fathers of some
of my childhood friends.

- Well, let's check and see
if our dad's on there.
- Ohh!

Is that really what dads do
when mommies aren't around?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Kenny gave us the address
for the pay phone,

so we went there and waited,
hoping we'd see Billie.

We decided that me and Frank
would watch to the south,

Randy would keep an eye
on the north.

Frank, what does Billie like?
Any tips you can give me
to help me out?

Well, she was really into
my musky scent.

And I used to
drive her crazy
with this move. Huh?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Women are complicated.

Stuart?
Oh, hey, Earl.

It's Stuart Daniels.
Former cop, current bowler.

He was on my list.
Hey, I remember you.

Your, uh-- Your mother's
the police chief, right?

And your sister's that
fiery little redheaded cop...

that likes to frisk
all the way up to the sack.

- Is she seein' anyone?
- No. So, what are you
doing on my street?

We're lookin' for a girl,
Billie Cunningham.

She hit me with her car.
Haven't seen her.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turned out, Stuart knew more
about Billie than he was saying.

Stuart first met Billie
when he hit her with his car.

- [ Groans ]
- [ Brakes Squeal ]

Oh, crap.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He started visiting her
because he was feeling guilty.

[ Man ]
* Girlfriend in a coma
I know, I know it's serious *

But as he spent
more time with her,
he started to feel other things.

Stuart had once
hit a dog, brought it home
and nursed it back to health,

and he thought
if the dog grew to love him,
why couldn't Billie?

And finally, Billie woke up.

So, no one knows who hit me?

Total mystery.
And since you don't remember,
I guess we'll never know.

No, the only thing
I remember is hitting Earl.

Is he okay?
I'm the one who found you.

I've been watching over you.
Do you need a place to stay?
I've got my own room.

Is Earl okay?
Uh, what if he was?
I mean, how would you feel?

Happy.
But me--
How would you feel about me?

Would you stay with me?

I don't even know you.
Right, right.

Earl's dead.
You killed him.

Oh, God.
Oh, my God.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Stuart told Billie
she was in trouble...

and the cops had been
coming every day,
waiting to ask her questions.

And, believing him,
she let him sneak her
out of the hospital.

He squeezed me!
He squeezed me!

Eventually, she got away
from Stuart long enough
to make a phone call.

Jocelyn, you gotta help me.

I'm sure the cops have been
there lookin' for me.

I'm staying with
this really creepy guy.

He wears swim trunks
in the shower.
And a baseball hat.

Good luck finding that girl.
I'll keep an eye out for her.
I have to go.

I have some lettuce
I gotta put in the crisper.

The cops are right outside
looking for you. We gotta move.

[ Earl Narrating ]
After two long days of staking
out Billie's pay phone,

we finally caught a break.

Unfortunately,
it was a bad break.

While we were figuring out
what to do next,

Stuart and Billie
had already settled
into their new hiding place.

Oh, hello.

Did someone order towels?

Sure. You could just
put 'em right there.

Hi. I'm Catalina.

And you are--
Uh, Roxanne.

Roxanne.

You look like you have
some tangles in the back.

Would you like me to--

Oh, this is nice.

Two girls hanging out,

brushing each other's hair...
like God intended.

[ Man ]
* When I get that feelin'
I want sexual healin' *

[ Sniffs ]

* Sexual healing *

Did you just lick my neck?
Yes. No. Maybe.

It was a bug.
Did you like it?
* So fine *

Think I'm just gonna
go get my clothes on now.

I'm probably
coming on too strong.

I'm a new lesbian.
Please call.

* When I get this feelin' **

Hey, you're that bowling guy
my friend Earl helped.

He lives two doors down.
I'll let him know you're here.

Hey, Billie, I just saw
the cops outside.
We gotta move.

- Do I have time to get dressed?
- Yes. But no bra and panties.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't know what to do next,

but I'd never been more sure
karma wanted me and Billie
to be together.

She's robbing liquor stores
on Christmas. I gotta find her.

Not just for me.
Her life's outta control.
[ Darnell Gargles, Spits ]

Very interesting, Earl.
How's that crane rental coming?

Hook me up, Darnell.

Uh!
Damn it, Darnell!
You hit the tonic button.

Now I gotta add some gin
just to make it taste right.

So what are we
gonna do now, Earl?
Where are we gonna find her?

- I don't know.
- Why don't you ask karma?

What do I do now, karma?
How do I find her?

- [ Phone Rings ]
- [ Gasps ]

Crab Shack/
Turner residence.

It's for you.

- Hello?
- I've got your girl.
Get over here fast.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Stuart and Kenny
had a unique friendship,

and apparently Stuart felt
like Kenny's would be
a safe hiding place.

Hi, Stuart.

Oh, who's your ugly friend?
This is, uh, Roxanne.

Stuart told Kenny he was doing
some undercover police work
for his mom,

and "Roxanne" was a witness
in an upcoming murder trial.

[ Grunting ]

Just say something.
We're live on my blog.

Hello, Kenny's friends.
See? I told you he was funny.

Stuart.

Mom's here.

Is this really the plan?

Am I supposed to just sit
around while you two
blog each other?

Well! What a little
mouth on her.

Kenny,
can you keep a secret?

Is it about something
you tried in college?

[ Earl Narrating ]
So Stuart told him
about Billie,

and Kenny couldn't pass up
the chance to make their
threesome a twosome.

There she is.

How's my breath?

Really warm.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Seein' Billie took
my really warm breath away.

Unfortunately,
seein' Billie seemed to
have the same effect on Frank.

I should've known as soon as
he heard Billie was bad again,
he'd want her back.

- [ Car Door Closes ]
- Come on.

Let's go get that woman.
Uh, for me.

Of course for you.

If you're nervous,
I could go in there
and talk to her first.

That's really nice of you.
Yeah.

Yeah, well,
I'm a really nice guy.

You know, I just--
I just realized
I can't talk to Billie now.

I gotta go home,
get cleaned up,

maybe write down
what I wanna say.

That, sir, is a great idea.

[ Laughs ]
We'll both
come back tomorrow.

Well, I guess
I should be gettin' you
back to the halfway house.

And again, thank you
for your help,

my loyal, honest friend.

Fire him.
Fire the bastard now.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The next morning, Frank waited
to be released for work,

but nobody unlocked him.

Hey, don't forget
to unlock me.

You got fired, champ.
Aah.

Now who looks ridiculous?

Okay, still me.
But at least I, Paco,
get to leave.

Bye.

[ Earl Narrating ] I thought
about goin' to Billie's
right after I dropped Frank off,

but I realized I only had
one shot to convince Billie
she was my soul mate.

I wanted to make sure
I got it right.

"And even though most of those
words were written by Bret
Michaels in the '80s,

they're comin' straight
from my heart."

- What do you think?
- I think she's gonna lo-- Bird!

[ Squawks ]

[ Earl Narrating ] It's not
every day you tell a woman
you're meant to be together,

but I felt surprisingly calm.

Everything in my life
was finally comin' together.
[ Grunts ]

Billie's mine!
You can't have her!

Karma wants us
together, Frank.
You can't stop this.

Yeah? Eat poo, backstabber.

[ Earl Narrating ] While I had
my hands full outside, Billie
was in a battle of her own.

I need to go
on the run by myself,
and I'm gonna need money.

So I'm robbin' you, Kenny.
I wanna be up-front about that.

Billie, please.
Let's be reasonable. Think about
all I've done for you.

Just like a woman.
I'll bet she's on her period.

- Tie yourselves up.
- I'll-I'll do it.

Billie, where are you gonna
find a guy who cares about you
as much as I do?

I don't need anyone
to care about me.
I can take care of myself.

There's not a lot of rope here.
I know. I'll tie us together.
Face-to-face is probably safest.

Billie, please.
Let's think about--
She is over you.

Can you put in that Moby CD
on your way out?
You can't go outside, Billie.

The cops are after you.
You murdered Earl Hickey.

- Earl?
- Not my day.

Wait. I thought I
murdered you.
I was just in a coma.

But it was beautiful there.

In my mind, I saw you every day,
and we had a kid
and a theme song.

Why are they tied up?

Billie, I love you.

And before you decide which one
of us you wanna kiss,

you should know that
not five minutes ago,
Earl ate poo right outside.

What is going on?

Karma brought us together.
That's why you hit me.

We're supposed to be together.

I hit her too.
Maybe karma brought us together.

- Wait. You're the one
that hit me?
- I was gonna tell you.

Shut up and press tighter
against me. It's the only way
we're gonna survive this thing.

There's even a $100,000
insurance settlement
waiting for you.

All you have to do
is sign a form.

Thought we could use it
to get married and buy a house.

- Hello, lover.
Your getaway car is here.
- I don't believe this.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm in love with her.

- [ Catalina ]
I'm in love with her.
- So am I.

Yeah, me too.
[ Groans ]
[ Electricity Crackles ]

Look, Billie, this isn't
how I wanted things to go.

I came here wearing
a clean shirt
and holding flowers.

And I was supposed
to be the only person
in the room who loved you.

Oh, whatever.
I'm the only person in
the room who really knows you.

Who was there when your
Aunt What's-her-name died?

- You mean my mom?
- Yeah, her.

Billie, karma brought us
together for a reason.

I went back to my old ways.
You went back to your old ways.
We both got hit.

Karma wants us to be good.

But I think we're supposed
to be good together.

Or we could be bad
together.

I learned things in prison
that will blow your mind.

Billie, how else
can you explain it?

When we both lost our way,
we found each other.

I'm sorry, Frank.

I can't go with you.
Or you.

And certainly not you.

Because I'm supposed
to be with you.

Fine. Fine.

Well, you know,
you should know...

that you're gonna
be sayin' bye to
the best thing you ever had.

Aw, who am I kidding?
Even I don't believe that.

Hey, best of luck
to youse, all right?

This isn't the way
I thought it would end.

I thought it would end
with our naked breasts
pressed together,

our long, smooth legs
intertwined.

Barf!

[ Footsteps Receding ]

[ Sniffing ]

You smell great.
Oh, yeah.

Frank must
have sweated on me
when we were fighting.

No, it's not him.

It's you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Me and Billie had finally
found each other,

but we weren't the only ones
karma was lookin' out for.

[ Footsteps Receding ]
I'm gonna die alone
in my mother's house.

Or we could die
in each other's arms
as old men...

living in Boca Raton,
surrounded by Jack Russell
terriers.

I love Jack Russell terriers.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And karma wasn't only
connecting new lovers,

it was reconnecting old ones--

Catalina!

- Catalina!
- Paco!

[ Man ]
* Lord Almighty *

like Catalina
and her childhood sweetheart--
* I feel my temperature rising *

and a convict
and his plus-sized lover.

[ Electrical Crackling ]
[ Both Moaning ]

And Billie did use that $100,000
from Stuart's insurance
to get married,

but not to Stuart.

For the third
time, I got
hitched...

to a woman
I hardly knew.

But much like fifth grade,
I think the third time,
I got it right.

* Your kisses lift me higher *

* Like the sweet song
of a choir *

Finally life was just where
karma wanted it...

and where I wanted it too.

* I'm just a hunk
a hunk of burnin' love **