Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] Like most month-old vegetables,

the hospital wanted to throw me out.

We can put him in county-run, long-term care, or...

you can take him off our hands and receive a one-time payment of $2000 in Camden Cash,

redeemable at more than six local businesses.

Paintball! Karma wouldn't dangle paintball in front of us if it weren't a sign. We'll take it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy felt he'd made the right choice,

and everywhere he looked, he saw proof of that.

How cool is it that right when I got tired of carrying you, karma made a supermarket?

Karma rocks.

Brace yourself.

That's good, Earl. You didn't pee that time.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] When you're in a coma,

gettin' pushed down the street in a shopping cart, things go pretty slow.

But in my mind, time was flyin' by.

Fifty years in this old house.

We sure do have a lot of memories. Speak for yourself.

I can't remember what I had for breakfast. [ Audience Laughing ]

Do you remember the time that we got into that huge fight,

and neither one of us wanted to move out?

Yeah.

[ Crying ]

[ Sniffs ]

Your side needs its diaper changed.

Remember when our own kids stopped bein' cute,

and Cousin Wendall came and stayed with us?

Why, Cousin Wendall, what a surprise.

What are you doing here?

My parents are dead, so I'm movin' in with my favorite cousins...

on the honky side.

That irrepressible scamp certainly turned our world upside down.

- [ Earl Chuckles ] - Earl!

Hey, Earl! Randy, wait up.

Hey, Patty. Look what I bought at the store.

Just kiddin'. It's Earl. I just brought him home from the hospital.

He's still got a touch of the coma.

Yeah, they're a tough thing to shake.

I missed a lot of my 30s like that.

Well, he's not gonna be in it that long.

I mean, he's almost back to normal already. Watch.

Every opening I stick my finger in, I get a different reaction.

Huh. Sounds a lot like my job.

Hey, I got a wheelchair I can sell you.

Does it have a shelf underneath? 'Cause this shopping cart's got a real good shelf underneath.

Well, it's a pretty nice chair.

It used to belong to this pimp friend of mine, Snooky.

He got rid of it 'cause he thought people didn't respect the chair.

Now he has one of his bitches carry him around on a backpack, Yoda style.

** [ Hip-hop ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy loved the Yoda backpack idea,

but once he saw Snooky's wheelchair, that looked even better.

It had everything a crippled pimp could want:

a bumpin' sound system, spinner hubcaps, a hook for a sock full of batteries--

- It even had a little shelf. - ** [ Continues ]

Oh, snap! Darnell, I'm tempted to cripple you just to get one of those.

- I'm tempted to let you do it. - ** [ Switches Off ]

Did the hospital need the bed? It's nice to see they throw white folks out too.

Actually, I could have sent him to long-term care,

but karma offered us paintball, Camden Cash and a wheelchair.

So, obviously, I'm doin' the right thing.

So, you're just going to take care of Earl by yourself?

Remember when you turtle-sat the first Mr. Turtle and he ended up outside of his shell,

and you shoved him back in like I wouldn't notice?

These are the things that make me worry.

Randy, you can't do this. Trust me. I know what it takes to take care of somebody.

I've proven that three times to Child Services.

Would you guys leave me alone? He's fine. I've already been lookin' after him a whole day.

It's your favorite, Earl: Chubby's Chicken with fries and a couple of beers.

It's gonna taste so good in your blood.

[ Women ] * Bye-bye, blues

* Bye-bye, blues

* Don't cry, don't sigh [ Shower Running ]

* The sun is shinin' No more pinin' *

* Smilin' through

* Don't sigh, don't cry

* Bye-bye Bye-bye, blues **

Plus, the best part about Earl bein' out of the hospital...

is he can start doin' stuff from the list on his own.

If karma was makin' him a little bit better when we were crossing things off,

just think how much better he'll get if he starts crossing 'em off himself.

Randy, is this a gum wrapper in his mouth?

Yeah, I wasn't near a trash can.

Here's one he could definitely do on his own: number 241--

"Made Derrick Stone late for work."

[ Earl Narrating ] In every neighborhood, there's people...

that annoy everybody else by working odd hours.

In the trailer park, those hours are 9:00 to 5:00.

[ Engine Starts ]

How about a little respect, jackass?

It's not even 9:00 in the mornin'.

You know we were up until 5:00. You yelled at us at 4:30.

I'm really sorry, guys. I just don't wanna be late for work.

[ Earl Narrating ] So to make sure we got a good day's sleep,

me and Randy decided to put in a good night's work.

[ Car Alarm Chirps ]

Son of a bitch!

[ Chirp ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy talked to Derrick...

and found out being late was just the start of his problems.

I showed up late for work, got fired.

My girlfriend said she didn't date losers, so she broke up with me. My own personal 9/11.

And it was actually September 11. I'm not being dramatic.

Well, you won't be late anymore. Now you can drive in the car pool lane,

'cause I put Earl in your backseat.

So can I cross you off the list? I guess.

I take the bus now. Sold that car to the lady next door.

[ Screaming ]

[ Screaming, Whimpers ]

[ Thuds ] You're right, Earl.

Your mother's dress is see-through in this picture.

What kind of 95-year-old woman doesn't wear underwear?

[ Earl Narrating ] After finding a bitchin' pair of truck stop sunglasses...

to cover up my red, swollen eyes,

Randy tried to find a list item I could do in a coma.

That turned out to be a lot harder.

Number 116-- "Rolled John Fenster down a hill in a porta-potty."

Do you think Earl would mind if we did that to him?

If you were in a coma, would you want someone rollin' you down a hill in a porta-potty?

Let me think.

Huh. Huh.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Oh, no. No, I would not.

Here we go. Earl could do this on his own. It's perfect.

Number 126-- "Stole from the Henson kids."

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were jealous of our neighbors Brett and Tiffany Henson...

'cause their folks took 'em on such great vacations.

- Oh, man. They got to go to Hawaii. - We'll do it next week.

Man, they got to go to Mystery Fun Land.

[ Man ] Who wants pizza?

Oh, man. They got to go skydiving.

[ Earl Narrating ] Not only did they get to go on cool vacations,

now they didn't have to walk places either.

That's when I decided I wanted in on their fun.

Let's go!

Excuse me. Could you at least roll us into the shade?

Anyway, I didn't know where I could find you, so I thought--

What, that you'd look for us in the wheelchair bar?

We're in wheelchairs, so we have to be in the wheelchair bar?

- Is that it? - But you are here.

Only 'cause it's ladies' night. In an hour, this place is gonna be wheel-to-wheel bitches.

Frankly, Earl deserves to be in a coma after what you did to us.

We fried like bacon out there.

Which is why I left Earl outside on the blacktop.

[ Bird Shrieks ]

So you had to lie in the sun, now he has to lie in the sun. That seems pretty even.

I got leg-humped by a Doberman.

I got shoulder-humped by a Doberman...

to completion.

Oh, yeah. [ Laughing ]

[ Continues Laughing ]

Oh. Oh.

So can I cross you off the list now?

[ Chuckling ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy had failed to charm the pants off Brett and Tiffany,

but a homeless guy was havin' much better luck with me.

Hey! Get away from here!

You need nicer pants so bad, go home and get a pair.

And get a haircut while you're at it. You look like a bum.

[ Sighs ] Oh, man, you look thirsty, Earl.

Let's go inside and see if they got a nice sponge you can suck on.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was burnin' up.

Fortunately, in my coma mind, things were more comfortable.

Wakey, wakey...

before the arthritis makes you achy.

[ Applause, Cheers ] Hey, Earl. Hey, Mrs. Earl.

[ Woman In Audience ] Randy!

Randy, we're lookin' at photo albums. Have a seat.

Okay. But the doctor said I have to be careful so I don't sit on my balls again.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Sighs ] [ Chuckles ]

Randy, you remember that? The time you got hit in the head?

Hey, where's the bologna?

E = mc2. E pluribus unum.

In a right triangle, the sum of the squared sides equal the hypotenuse squared.

Hey, where's the bologna?

[ Snoring ] Remember this one?

That was a very special time.

Okay, Randy. Show me on the bear where the bad neighbor touched you.

He doesn't have one. [ Audience ] Aw!

Can I get a refill on this?

Wow. He really is in a coma.

That's horrible...

and funny all at the same time.

You know, for someone in a wheelchair, you're not very inspirational.

Well, well, well. Who's your friend?

What do you care? You broke up with me.

[ Sighs ] I told you, Tiffany. I don't get close.

People leave, or in my case, they run over your legs with a Ford Bronco,

take the kids... and then leave.

[ Chair Bangs ]

What you lookin' at, Risky Business?

I bet you just added a pint to your catheter bag, huh.

You know what, Randy? There is somethin' Earl can do for me.

To cross you off his list?

Yeah. I am dyin' to get back together with T.R.

I-I know he's rough around the edges, but when he kisses me,

he sends shivers halfway down my spine.

Help me make him jealous. Earl's in.

[ Referee ] Play ball!

[ Earl Narrating ] Tiffany figured the best way to make T.R. jealous...

was to show me off in front of all his friends.

And all his friends were at killerball.

That's a game where people who are already hurt try to hurt each other much worse.

Oh, yeah, and sometimes they try to score a goal.

[ Crowd Exclaims ]

[ Crowd Whistling, Clamoring ] [ Referee ] Break it up!

[ Earl Narrating ] Tiffany was workin' hard to make it look like I was quite a catch.

[ Laughing Loudly ] Oh, Earl,

you are so funny.

[ Grunting ] [ Referee ] Break it up, guys.

Earl looks bad, Randy. His skin is piqued, he's wheezin'--

And his mustache-- Where's its normal body and bounce?

You don't think it kills me to see his mustache like that?

But crossin' things off the list is the only way he's gonna start to get better again.

Besides, he's not that bad. See?

Maybe he got used to my finger. Gimme your keys.

Randy, he doesn't need a car key shoved in his ear.

How do you know? You're not a doctor.

He just needs to cross somethin' off the list again.

Tiffany, make out with him, but stop if he starts to choke.

Yes, please have her stick her tongue in the zombie's mouth,

'cause this situation ain't quite wrong enough as it is.

[ Whistle Blows ] [ Referee ] Play ball!

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy had high hopes,

but unfortunately, T.R. was havin' such a great game,

he didn't seem to notice us at all.

[ Referee ] Goal, the red team. [ Whistle Blows ]

- Look at him out there, showboatin'. - Yeah!

That kind of showboatin' got you in that chair, you jerk!

I love you.

[ Earl Narrating ] As captain of the other team,

Tiffany's brother, Brett, wasn't takin' things so well.

I didn't jump out of an airplane with what turned out to be a torn parachute,

land spine-first on a tractor-- miraculously unharmed--

only to have my sister fall out of the sky and snap my C7...

so I could end up playing on a team full of wussies!

Now get out there and kick some chair, damn it!

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

[ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Man ] What's he doing?

Oh, uh, yeah. I forgot to tell you guys.

Um, I can sort of walk.

[ Blows Whistle ] [ Man ] You're a cheater!

[ Crowd Protesting, Booing ]

You're down a man, ace. Looks like you gonna have to forfeit.

Over my half-dead body. [ Scoffs ]

Look, we need another player or we're out of the game.

Your brother helps me win this, he can cross me off his list.

How's he gonna play in a game?

He can't even hold a lit cigarette in his mouth to take a funny picture.

Without the cigarette, he was just a naked guy layin' in the mud.

I feel it's only fair to tell you, Randy.

I've decided if this ends the way I think it's going to,

I will be testifying against you.

- No hard feelings. - This has to be what karma wants,

otherwise all the decisions I made up till now would have been terrible.

[ Blows Whistle ] One minute!

- Well, is he in or out? - Put him in, Randy.

If T.R. loses to my new boyfriend, it'll drive him insane.

I'm sorry, guys. But if Earl's gonna die, he's gonna die like a man--

tryin' to cross things off his list...

while he's playin' a stupid game he doesn't even understand.

- Let's do this! - [ Man ] Yeah!

[ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I was about to do somethin' crazy, and I wasn't even awake for it.

But in my mind, I'd lived through a whole lifetime of wacky stuff.

There's Joy and Darnell before they moved to Florida.

Remember how she used to burst in and insult us for no reason?

Huh. Sure glad that never happens anymore.

Howdy-ho, you dried-up old bastards.

[ Audience Cheering ]

- Hey, old Earl. - Hey, old Crabman.

Remember when Earl's twin brother from the city came to visit?

[ Audience Applauds ] Oh, thanks for lettin' me stay here, Earl.

I so needed a vacay. Things are not going well with the missus.

[ Earl Narrating ] In real life, it didn't look like I'd make it to old age.

But lucky for me, Randy had a degree in joystick from the University of Pac-Man.

[ Imitating Pac-Man Game Sounds ]

- He kept me safe. - ** [ Humming Pac-Man Theme ]

And, in a moment I wish I remembered,

Randy even helped me score the game-tying goal.

- [ Whistle Blows ] - Yeah!

[ Player Grunting ] Geez!

[ Earl Narrating ] The clock was runnin' down. The score was tied, and we had the ball.

Come on! Let's cut 'em off at the knees! No offense, Paul.

[ Earl Narrating ] Pressure was on, and we needed all the help from karma we could get.

But karma works in mysterious ways.

[ Sneezes ]

Suddenly it seemed like Randy's chance to cross Brett and Tiffany off my list...

- was slippin' just out of his reach. - [ Beeping ]

** [ Hip-hop On Player ] But knockin' that remote around...

did activate the dancing bubbles function on my pimp chair.

** [ Hip-hop Continues ]

- Randy! - Hold on, Earl!

** [ Switches Off ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

-Somebody get him! -[ Earl Narrating ] If someone was gonna stop T.R.,

it would have to be me, with some help from Tiffany--

-I love you, Earl! -who finally found the magic words to get under T.R.'s skin.

I love you and your fully functioning penis!

[ Earl Narrating ] And that's when T.R. realized...

that there was something he cared about more than killerball-- Tiffany.

I did it. I made him jealous.

[ Roars ]

And thanks to the ricochet off my face,

I also helped my childhood neighbor win the game.

[ Whistle Blows ] Yea!

Yeah! He did it! Earl crossed the Hensons off his list.

Karma's gonna love this.

[ Earl Narrating ] Crossin' those two people off my list...

scored me a few points with karma, but it wasn't enough.

Turns out, karma's a little like killerball.

Sometimes you just need one more point to win the game.

And Randy had helped me score a point across town without even knowin' it.

Hey, Derrick? Since that guy snuck in my car,

I've been kinda scared driving alone.

Wanna carpool?

[ Earl Narrating ] By puttin' me in the backseat of that woman's car,

Randy not only helped Derrick get to work on time,

but also got him a little closer to gettin' a new girlfriend.

Sometimes when you try to do good things, you don't see any results at all.

But that doesn't mean you should stop doin' 'em.

That last boost of karma pushed me over the edge.

Suddenly, coma world didn't feel like the right place to be. It wasn't real.

It was time to get back to my life, and karma came to give me a lift.

And just like that, I was home.

- Earl! - Randy?

Well, I'll be damned.

Oh, my God. Somebody get him some gum.

You got some bangin' coma breath, baby.

Earl, you're back. Are you back?

I-I think so.

I was havin' this crazy dream.

We were all real old, and we had spent our whole lives together.

That doesn't sound crazy. That sounds just about perfect.

And I was married to Billie.

"Billy"? Who's he?

Oh, crap. I think the coma made him gay.