Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] When Randy crossed something off my list and I got better,

he realized that while I may be out of the reach of modern medicine,

I wasn't out of the reach of karma. The list!

How's Earl gonna pick somethin' from the list?

All he does is lay there and drool. Then I'll pick for him.

How's that any better? You just stand there and drool.

You're right. Earl should pick.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy and Joy were nervous about me being in a coma,

but my mind had a trick for dealing with the stress.

Back when I was a kid and things were bad,

I would escape into the comfortable world of television.

Harriet! What's that kayak doing in the kitchen?

[ Earl Narrating ] And that's what my mind was doing again.

So while on the outside, my body was laying still,

on the inside, I had a life with Billie that was moving along great.

I have some exciting news, but you can't tell Earl.

I'm pregnant.

I know that! [ Audience Laughing ]

Delivery boy at the supermarket told me you didn't buy lady pads this month.

You know what, Randy?

I'm gonna surprise Billie by ordering in some of this take-out Chinese food...

that all these celebrities are talking about.

Well, I am so glad you met with the gyno I recommended.

Oh, yeah, he's definitely the guy for me.

His hands are warm, and he doesn't rush through it...

and make you feel like you're just another number.

He is such a catch. The girls are gonna be so jealous you got him.

Oh, I know. And I was so excited when I left,

I forgot to pay his fee.

His fee?

Earl, I think your wife's seeing a gigolo.

Come on, Earl, drool.

I think his mouth is dry. Maybe we should spit in it.

Shut up. Here it comes.

"Stole a motorcycle." Aw, man.

[ Earl Narrating ] One afternoon, me and Randy were poking around the neighborhood,

scoping out stuff to steal.

We called it "taking a crime walk."

- Aw, check out the hog. - Dibs. Where is she?

Then you don't have to worry about it. And I could care less what you do with it.

You have absolutely no respect for anybody's stuff.

You know you lost it. Listen, I didn't lose the gas tank.

You had it last, because I remember thinking,

"Wow, my father's actually working."

Well, I know it's not up your butt, 'cause that's where your head is.

Guys, check it out. I'm a speed skater.

You think your brother needs another shot in the head, you moron?

[ Earl Narrating ] A motorcycle with the keys in it was the best thing to fall in our laps...

since Mitzy the stripper passed out on us at Club Chubby. Whoo!

[ Earl ] Whoo! Jackie!

Once we got the motorcycle, we decided to have some fun.

Life is awesome!

And whenever we were having fun, we loved to add beer...

and rum and tequila...

and whatever malt liquor was on sale. [ Groans ]

Ow.

Randy!

[ Both Laughing ]

Next thing we knew, it was morning.

Randy, wake up. We're on a school bus.

What? How'd we get here?

I don't remember anything from last night.

Probably best if you don't.

Great. Now you just gotta return that motorcycle.

But I have no idea what we did with it.

I was black-out drunk that night.

It's too bad Earl's in a coma, 'cause he was just plain old wake-up-in-a-school-bus drunk.

He'd remember. Come on. Think hard.

Something's coming back. Aw, it left.

It's coming back.

There it goes again. It's fast.

Now it's just a naked lady. Oh, it's a dude.

I don't wanna do this anymore.

[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy tried to figure out where to find the bike,

in my coma mind, I was dealing with problems of my own.

So, that's the plan. I'll pretend to go to work tomorrow,

and when this gigolo comes over to see my wife,

he'll get a rendezvous with more than just Billie.

Off to work, honey.

Won't be back till 5:00.

[ Audience Laughs ]

** [ "Yakety Sax" ]

[ Screams ] [ Gasps ]

Earl, what are you doing?

Surprising you, 'cause you were getting all dolled up,

expecting some gigolo to come over.

Are you crazy? The only two things I'm expecting...

are to see my doctor... and to have your baby.

[ Audience ] Aww. We're having a baby?

My own baby, who'll be my color and actually looks like me.

[ Laughs ] [ Audience Applauds ]

But wait a minute. What about Joy saying he's a catch...

and the other girls are gonna be so jealous you got him?

Because he's so popular, he rarely takes on new patients.

I mean, even the smallest thing can make him say no.

I got him, Earl, and he's a real sicko.

He said he's been seeing our mom for years.

[ Audience Laughing ]

[ Earl's Voice ] The Hickeys will be right back.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy didn't remember what we did with the motorcycle,

so he went to see Jasper, who'd recently been in the paper...

for surviving more gunshot wounds than 50 Cent.

I remember that day. It was like, uh, 2:30 in the afternoon.

You and Earl came in, just brain-dead, butt-ugly wasted.

Sorry about saying "brain-dead," with your brother in a coma and all.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out me and Randy had spent about an hour...

trying to convince Jasper to buy the motorcycle that day.

Look, I'm sorry, guys, but I can't resell it.

I just think it's wrong to sell something that jeopardizes customer safety.

What? You sold hand grenades to a high school football team.

Hey, they said that was for a prank.

Hey, how much is the chicken suit?

[ Laughs ] How's this?

You give me the chain off the motorcycle and it's yours.

I didn't need the chain. Just didn't want you driving around Camden all wasted.

I have kids, you know.

I mean, I don't know who they are or if they exist,

but I used to have a lot of unprotected sex.

So do you know where we went next?

All I know is, you wanted to wear the chicken suit to Nickel Wing Day at the Crab Shack.

I believe you said, and I quote, "People would be eating their wings,

"then I would come in, and they'd be like,

'Oh, God! It's a giant chicken come for revenge!'"

That sounds like me. My comedy always has a message.

I have to tell you, Randy, doing Earl's list to make him better is genius.

That's what Joy said too. Then she called me "dummy," which hurt a little,

but it really made me value the moment where she called me "genius."

See, Darnell? People love it when I call 'em names.

Butt-wipe, douche bag, dummy.

It's like sprinkles on the ice cream cones of conversation.

Look, I do remember something about that night with the motorcycle.

Honestly, I hoped it would never come up again.

I mistakenly believed you and your brother's silence on the matter...

meant you felt appropriately ashamed of your behavior.

[ Earl Narrating ] As it turns out, that afternoon,

me and Randy pushed the motorcycle into the Crab Shack...

and engaged in what my dad calls "general jackassery."

You're eatin' my baby! [ Gasps ]

[ Laughs ]

Hey, Earl, you guys have got to stop!

The table in the back just passed out from exhaust,

and the giant chicken thing is freaking people out!

[ Screams ] [ Gasps ]

Don't worry, Crabman.

I'll stop the chicken.

I know how to speak their language.

** [ Humming "The Chicken Dance" ]

Problem solved.

Oh. That explains why that sign is there.

Anyway, when you heard the cops were coming, you pushed the bike out and went on the run with it.

That's the last I saw of you. Man, one clue at a time.

This is like what someone told me reading a book is like. Okay, what'd we do next?

Not sure. But we should talk to Homeless Joe.

I seem to remember he mentioned seeing you guys do something freaky that night.

Plus, I haven't visited him since he got married to Shopping Cart Kim.

I owe him a congratulations.

I don't know anything about a motorcycle.

Saw you at midnight.

You and your brother were driving tiny little cars.

[ Earl Narrating ] Homeless Joe was kinda right.

Randy was driving a tiny little car, but I was driving a tiny little plane.

Help! Help!

Damn it, Randy! Pull over!

Pull over!

[ Screams ] [ Earl Narrating ] And as good as the day had been,

me and Randy were no longer having fun.

Something had gone terribly wrong.

[ Man ] * Woke up this morning My liver said to me *

* Come on, boy Let that alcohol be *

* Go to detox Like father, like son * [ Both Grunting ]

* A.A. meetings, here I come Yeah, I'm a wreck * [ Randy Groans ]

- * Feel like a big piece of trash * - Son of a bitch! Aah!

* My whole life's in pieces Everything around me smells like feces *

- Time to die! - [ Randy Screams ]

[ Screams ]

Earl tried to kill me? Now, hold on, Randy. Maybe there's some mistake.

Son, I know what I saw. I can't vouch for what I heard,

'cause there's a beetle living in my ear, but I know what I saw.

I can't believe Earl tried to kill me.

I'm Randy. Earl wouldn't try to kill Randy.

That'd be like peanut butter trying to kill jelly.

Peanut butter wouldn't kill jelly.

They're in the same sandwich.

I can't believe Earl tried to kill me.

We've been brothers for I don't know how long, and now I find out this?

Hold on a second. We only have Homeless Joe's word on that.

And Homeless Joe has been known to exaggerate the truth.

Remember, he's the one who got the town convinced the Carter sisters were witches.

I'm still with Homeless Joe on that. If they weren't witches, they should have floated.

You got the superstition backwards. Witches float.

Innocent people, like the Carter sisters, sink.

Whatever. They're gone now.

The point is, we need more information.

We can't go after Earl with the same kind of witch-hunt hysteria...

that sweeps through Camden every two years.

You know what we gotta do? We gotta work backwards to find out what really happened.

Like when you rewound that videotape to see if Sharon Stone really flashed her undersmile.

She did show her undersmile.

That's right. And I'm sure if we rewind the night to where you were before Homeless Joe,

we'll find out if Earl showed his undersmile too.

Metaphorically speaking.

[ Earl Narrating ] While Randy, Joy and Darnell went to retrace our steps,

well, you know what I was doing.

[ Breathing Rapidly ]

Earl, it's time. My water broke.

I'll call a plumber in the morning.

Oh, my God! Your water broke!

Remember, short breaths. [ Breathing Rapidly ]

[ Breathing Rapidly ]

Hurry, Earl. I think we're getting closer!

Don't worry. We're in the hospital. Everything's gonna be fine.

Uh-oh. [ Elevator Rumbling ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Since Edwin, the town dwarf, had died, the only people around...

who wore tiny little hats and drove tiny little cars were the Knights of Camden.

So Darnell suggested they stop by to ask some questions.

Oh, my God. Kill me when I'm 50.

Wake up.

Oh, hey, it's you.

[ Earl Narrating ] They'd come to the right place.

It ends up that night, Randy had staggered his way...

into the Knights of Camden's new member mixer.

Oh, hey, buddy. Come on in.

We could use a young fellow like you around here.

We're dying off like crickets.

** [ Rock ] [ Earl Narrating ] Randy was drunk when he got there,

but after an hour of limbo and all-you-can-drink gin rickeys,

he was in full party mode.

Then I showed up. [ Man ] * La, la, la, la, limbo

You son of a bitch! I'll kill you!

[ Screaming ]

Randy!

Randy!

Randy!

I got a picture of that night right here.

It's between the one of dead Louie and dead Frank.

So he did try to kill me.

I'm not even sad about it anymore. I'm angry.

I mean, I'm still kinda sad, but more angry than sad.

Is there a word for that? 'Cause there should be!

I'm feeling pretty "terrhurtsible."

Really, really "terrhurtsible," with a touch of "sangry."

Just calm down.

Hey, wrinkles, is there anything else you can tell us about that night,

like where they might have come from?

Well, the only other thing I know is, the big guy here had his foot covered in tar,

and he tracked it all over our dance floor.

Joy, does this antenna look familiar?

Looks like panties hanging on it.

Holy crap. That's the "pantenna."

[ Earl Narrating ] The "pantenna" used to be a tradition in the trailer park.

After girls hooked up with a guy, they'd shoot their panties at the antenna.

Story was, if they stuck, it was true love.

If they fell, it was likely the clap.

[ Woman ] Damn it!

Bingo! Look at that.

[ Randy ] More tar footprints.

Great googly moogly! There's the bike.

Damn. People sure do have a lot of sex in this trailer park.

Oh, watch your step. Those are the clap panties. Oh!

Oh, no. I remember what happened. I remember it all.

[ Earl Narrating ] Suddenly the whole night came rushing back to Randy.

After Darnell kicked us out of the Crab Shack,

we knew the cops were looking for the stolen bike,

so we decided to hide it where no one would think to look--

on the roof of Deaf Charlie's trailer.

We took the chain off an old chainsaw and put it on the bike.

It wasn't gonna last long, but luckily we only had to drive 15 feet.

Wish me luck. Be careful. I didn't build a very wide ramp.

[ Engine Starts ]

Earl, you did it! You made it up the ramp!

I thought for sure you were gonna--

[ Grunting ]

[ Earl Narrating ] We covered the bike so nobody would see it from below.

Then I kicked down the ramp and planned our escape.

Okay, the cops are gonna be looking for a guy and a giant chicken.

But they're never gonna be looking for two giant half-chickens.

Give me your pants. [ Chuckles ] Yeah. Cops are dumb.

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

- [ Siren Blares ] - Get down, get down!

All right. They gotta be here somewhere. There's yellow feathers everywhere.

Fan out.

[ Hiccups ] Shut up!

I can't help it, Randy.

When I'm nervous and drunk, I get the hic-- [ Hiccups ]

Scotty, I think there's somebody behind the trailer.

Rock smashes scissors. Sucks to be you.

[ Hiccups ] Shh.

[ Hiccups ] Will you just shut up already?

[ Muffled Shouting ]

[ Shouting Stops ]

[ Earl Narrating ] After about 10 minutes, the cops ran out of steam.

Unfortunately, so did I.

All right, they're gone. Let's get out of here.

Earl!

Earl?

Oh, God! I killed him. I killed him.

I gotta think of what to do. Think of what to do.

I gotta make like a banana and split. [ Chuckles ]

Aw! Damn it! I finally got to use that one, and Earl was too dead to hear it.

It just keeps gettin' worse.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy was scared that now the cops...

would be out looking for a murdering half-chicken,

so he ditched the suit to go on the run.

Good-bye, Brother.

[ Thud ]

[ Gasps ]

That son of a bitch killed me!

That's when I broke off the pantenna for a weapon...

and followed Randy's tar-covered footprints to the Knights of Camden hall.

No wonder he tried to kill me. I deserved it.

I killed him and went to a party with little old men and played "try to walk under the stick!"

-Well, everyone grieves differently. -No! No! I'm a terrible brother.

I should be the one in the coma!

[ Thud ]

[ Joy ] You in a coma? No.

You wanna go return the motorcycle so we can get it crossed off Earl's list?

Yeah.

[ Earl Narrating ] Those chopper guys were pretty glad to get their bike back,

but Randy was still feeling rotten.

That's how they stole it.

Which one of you jackasses left the keys in the bike?

Well, Earl, we found the motorcycle.

I also found out I tried to kill you first. [ Weeping ]

I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible brother.

[ Crying ]

[ Crying ] [ Audience ] Aww.

[ Banging ]

Randy? How'd you get up there?

Oh, I fell a long way.

Well, guess what. You're an uncle.

Okay, Earl. We crossed "Stole a motorcycle" off your list.

I hope you forgive me.

Okay, Earl. Billie and the baby are safe. Now it's your turn.

Grab hold.

[ Audience Applauding ]

He squeezed me! He squeezed me!

We better get the doctor.

I'm gonna keep doing list items until you're all better, Earl.

[ Whispering ] I love you.

[ Monitor Beeping Rapidly ]

Hugging's good.

I'm gonna keep huggin' you all night.

[ Monitor Beeping Rapidly ]