Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] Ever since the Shoney's burned down,

the Crab Shack was Camden's best place to have a "welcome home from prison" party.

But you had to get there early to claim the pool table.

[ Slurring ] Hey, Earl. Drinky, drinky.

I made some eggnog.

- [ Gagging ] - [ Laughing ]

It's not eggnog.

It's just margarita with a egg in it.

It's awful.

[ Earl Narrating ] It sure felt good to be out of prison.

- There was just one problem. - [ Groans ]

Prison wasn't quite out of me.

My name is Earl.

Hey, Earl. I'm glad you got out in time for Christmas. Yeah, me too.

I picked the leader of the skinheads as my secret Santa.

And what do you get for the guy who hates everything?

Oh, Earl. I meant to tell you this,

but I was unconscious for the last 15 minutes.

But I got your list back from the prison property department.

[ Laughs ] You may wanna add "Broke Randy's nose" to it.

Man. It must feel good to have the list back.

Like Linus getting his blanket back.

'Course, he's probably grown up now, with kids of his own.

Now he's the one going, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah."

Yeah, yeah. It's, uh-- It's good to see this again.

[ Earl Narrating ] I said I felt good, but truth be told,

I wasn't sure how I felt.

You see, it was doing a good thing for Joy that got me thrown in prison,

and doing good things in prison eventually got me thrown in the hole.

In fact, the only reason I got out of prison was...

- 'cause I was in the middle of doin' something bad. - [ Screams ]

After everything that happened, karma had me pretty confused.

- What number you gonna do next, Earl? - I don't know.

I think, uh, maybe I need to get settled first.

You know, get my life back in order.

[ Earl Narrating ] I thought I'd feel better once I got back in our old motel room,

but unfortunately the mayor decided to start a new Christmas tradition--

hiding the homeless for the holidays.

Whoa! Check it out. Gary's white!

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out there was only one room left.

[ Buzzer Sounds ]

To get my life back on track, I needed a job. [ Tires Squealing ]

Unfortunately, there was only one business in town that would hire ex-cons.

So I was the new delivery guy for the Camden Foreign Food Restaurant.

Damn it, Randy, you said you secured Senor Lo Mein.

You know, for the guy who gets to wear the costume...

and ring all the doorbells, you sure are grouchy.

Let's just get this over with.

Ralph?

Actually, it's Stan Johansen. [ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Ralph's life had taken a few interesting turns...

since he hopped over the prison wall six months ago.

He was so desperate to get away from that prison,

he got in the first car that would pick up a man with no pants.

Oh, my God. Hop in. All right.

And to make you more comfortable, I'll take off my shirt.

[ Tires Squealing ] [ Ralph ] Stop the car. Stop the car!

You're lucky I can't drive a stick, or I'd kick your ass and take your car, pervert.

And if you tell anybody what we did, I'll kill you!

[ Earl Narrating ] Ralph was gettin' more and more desperate as the days wore on.

[ Man ] * And my legs are thin *

* But don't ask me what I think of you *

* I might not give the answer that you want me to *

[ Earl Narrating ] Until finally, he saw a way out.

* Oh, well **

Oh, my.

You look like you could use some pants.

What good eyes you have, Grandma.

Well, come on in, young man.

[ Earl Narrating ] Lucky for Ralph, Doris was one of those widows...

that never threw out her dead husband's clothes.

Ooh. Sweet Coke bottles.

[ Doris ] Stan?

Stan, is that you?

Why, sure it is, sweetie pie.

Stan. Who else would it be?

Oh, Stanley!

[ Laughing ]

Hey, what's my A.T.M. number again?

[ Laughing ] Oh, I got it made, buddy.

Every Wednesday I get my pension check.

Plus, he died with a fully stocked medicine chest.

I don't know what "E.D." is, but, buddy, you won't believe what those pills do.

I don't believe this. We're living in a laundry room.

- Everything okay in here, Stan? - Oh, yeah, sugarplum.

Just my food being delivered.

She gets a little nervous when there's strange men in the house.

I can't even take off my glasses or she freaks out. Watch.

- [ Screams ] - Oh.

Oh, you!

Oh, I love you. [ Kissing Sounds ] Yeah.

Okay. You guys gotta get out of here.

I gotta eat, then, uh, I gotta give Doris her bath.

Ain't all peaches and cream. [ Clears Throat ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I was starting to feel more like life on the outside...

was worse than it was in prison.

[ Farting ]

What's the matter, Earl? Consuelo's farting keeping you up too?

This sucks, Randy.

I'm an ex-con, I'm broke, I got a crappy job.

That's okay, Earl. Don't be sad. We've lived on floors before.

Not after I spent two years of my life doing good things, we haven't.

Randy, things were supposed to be better than this by now.

Hey, maybe you should go ahead and do something on your list.

That always makes you feel better. I don't know.

Fine. I'll pick something.

Here's a good one. Number 205--

"Ruined Club Chubby's Mistletoe."

I like it. It's Christmassy.

[ Earl Narrating ] Couple years ago, Randy had stolen...

what he thought was a laser gun but ended up just being a laser pointer.

Still fun though.

It's like having a tiny green hand I can put wherever I want.

[ Man On P.A. ] Gentlemen, put your hands together for Mistletoe.

[ Man ] * Run, run, Rudolph Santa's gotta make it to town *

- [ Groans ] - [ Crowd ] Oh!

- [ Laughing ] - You son of a bitch. That was you?

They had to fuse my spine. I got to wear this thing for two more years.

Listen, I said I was sorry so-- No, you didn't.

Well, whatever. It's implied. I'm here, aren't I?

Earl, maybe you forgot in prison,

but usually when you talk to people on the list, you use your nice guy voice.

I told you I wasn't ready for this.

I had a quarter wedged in this thing for over a year and can't get the damn thing out.

That sucks. I've had a candy corn stuck in my ear since I was nine.

Sometimes it attracts ants.

Okay, life's rough. Things get stuck places. We can all agree on that.

Anyway, like I was sayin', I got this list, and to cross you off...

I need to do something to make it up to you, so what can I do?

I get to pick anything? Yeah, if you calm down a little bit.

I'm not gonna let you pick while you're pissed.

It's like letting you go grocery shopping hungry.

[ Earl Narrating ] I didn't want to do what Mistletoe chose,

but I was trying to get my life back on track,

and my last hope was the list. [ Cheers, Whistles ]

Come on, baby. Spin 'em.

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

What are you doin', Earl? Your next shift's about to--

[ Gasps ] Hey, you're smoking.

Why are you smoking? Quittin' was on your list.

I'm smoking 'cause some old Texan dude just offered to buy me a boob job.

It's a little stressful, okay?

If it makes you feel any better, Mistletoe seems like she's a lot happier.

I can see a spring in her step.

- Randy, that's caused by an actual spring. - [ Horn Honking ]

Hey, good buddy. What's goin' on?

Look what I found in Doris's garage. Sweet ride, huh?

Rock and roll! [ Laughs ]

[ Man On P.A. ] For the second time today,

let's put your hands together for Earl Hickey!

Come on. We're leavin'. What? Why?

What about Mistletoe? What about the list?

I'm not doin' it anymore.

That's right. [ Exhales ]

I'm finished with the list.

- You can't. Something bad might happen. - Oh, really?

Ralph's an escaped convict who's stealing from an old lady.

Nothin' bad's happening to him.

I'm pretty sure this karma stuff doesn't really exist.

I mean, think about it, Randy.

I got the whole idea from Carson Daly, for God sakes.

He's a talk show host who's on after two other talk show hosts.

What does that tell you?

Randy, look how many things I've crossed off.

What do I have to show for it? Nothin'.

If karma was real, I'd have something good by now.

Where's my good thing, Randy? Where's my good thing?

Okay.

[ Earl Narrating ] I had given up my list,

and it was no surprise my friends had a strong reaction.

Oh, he's back. My baby's back, and he's bad again!

- Stan? - Stan's goin' to dialysis, snookums.

Don't wait up.

I hope you're here to dance, Earl Hickey.

Yeah, uh, that's not gonna happen. I kind of lost the list... for good.

Well, hey, Catalina senorita. Ooh. Now, that's tight. No jiggle there.

I slapped that one over there about 10 minutes ago, and look. She's still wigglin'.

- [ Laughs ] - Oh, Ralph, you're so crazy.

Ow! Damn, girl. He just did it.

But you're a better person than him. I don't expect that kind of thing from you.

Well, I'm sick of people expecting more from me.

How come I always have to act better than everyone else?

I expect you to act like a friend, not a jerk.

I don't like the new Earl Hickey.

I'm not the new Earl Hickey. I'm the old Earl Hickey.

You just never met him. Whoa!

[ Earl Narrating ] Even though we weren't too popular with Catalina,

some of her coworkers found us amusing.

We just needed a place to take 'em.

Lucky for us, I knew Joy and Darnell...

had taken the kids to see her parents in Nathanville...

and wouldn't be back until the next day.

[ Laughing ]

Y'all feel that?

I think the trailer shifted.

Hey, let me try one.

Rock and roll! Yeah! Yeah!

- [ Together ] Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! - Yeah!

Let's get this baby rockin'.

Yeah. Okay.

One, two, three!

[ All Yelling ]

[ Ralph ] It's goin' over. Timber!

[ Hooting, Laughing ]

[ Snoring ]

Hey, Earl.

[ Yawns ] Hey, Crabman.

What's up? You know, in regards to our home being turned on its side and whatnot?

- Oh, yeah. - Sons of bitches.

What the hell did you do? What the hell did you do?

[ Grunts ]

And talk fast, 'cause I'm gonna stab you in the throat...

once I figure out which one of these is the knife drawer.

Oh, come on, Joy.

You gotta admit, it's a little funny. Tell her, Darnell.

Well, maybe in time we'll come to find the comic absurdity--

Oh, my God.

How long was he on his back?

Found one.

Damn it.

All right, buddy, it's been fun, but I gotta get back to Doris.

I promised I'd take her coffin shoppin' today.

Ralph, can we come in? Oh, I don't know.

Too many movin' blobs in the house might make Doris nervous.

Well, we'll keep still. Yeah--

Look, there's no way Catalina's letting us sleep in the laundry room anymore.

We're starving, and I haven't showered in days.

Yeah, you do kind of stink, but, uh, you know,

if my goose gets nervous, them golden eggs...

might stop falling from her wrinkled little bottom, and I can't risk that.

See you later.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Car Door Slams ]

[ Man ] * I'll have a blue Christmas *

* Without you *

* I'll be so blue *

* Thinkin' about you *

* Decorations of red *

* On a green Christmas tree *

* Won't mean a thing, dear **

[ Earl Narrating ] Didn't seem fair.

I was outside and hungry,

takin' a whore's bath and eating birdseed for breakfast...

all because Ralph wasn't willing to share his good fortune.

* There's skeeter on my peter *

* Flick it off *

[ Earl Narrating ] He had it so good, he even had a sponge on a stick.

But all that was about to change.

* There's a dozen on my cousin *

* You can hear those suckers comin' **

Earl, what are you doin'?

Actually, Ralph, my name is Stan Johansen.

Yeah, nice try. You don't even look like Stan Johansen.

Is everything okay, Stan?

Somebody thinks I look like Stan.

Yeah. Everything's fine, puddin'.

Who's that man in his underwear?

A friend who's just about to leave.

The hell are you doin', man?

That's my old lady. Get your own sugar granny. Too bad, Ralph.

I'm lookin' out for number one. Now, get off my property.

There's a new Stan in town. Yeah, or how about Die Hard 2?

[ Groaning ]

Earl, that's Ralph. Maybe you can't see him through those glasses.

You forgot something, Ralph. Before I started that stupid list, I was the boss.

I gave the orders. Well, there's no list anymore, so get goin'.

All right, fine. Be Doris's husband.

But I ain't gonna tell you where she keeps the cookie jar money.

Oh, damn it.

What? Ralph's been our buddy for a long time.

Aw, he would have done the same to us, Randy.

We're better off without him. Just two brothers lookin' out for each other.

By the way, you can't sleep inside.

What? Where am I gonna sleep?

There's no room at the motel, and it's Christmas Eve.

I'm just like Jesus' baby. Randy, it's just for the first couple nights.

We gotta ease into it. Tell you what.

Next week I'll let you sit perfectly still in the living room...

and tell Doris you're a new chair.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

* Silent night *

* Holy night *

[ Together ] * All is calm *

* All is bright *

* Round yon virgins *

* Mother and child **

Doris, honey, your high chair fell off the toilet again.

- What the hell? - Look, Stanley.

The whole family came home for Christmas,

even my sister who died in 1973.

[ Laughing ]

Silly bitch put mothballs in my cocoa.

What are y'all doing here? Get out now.

Nobody's leavin' until you listen to what we have to say.

We're here to save you from yourself. It's called an invention.

It's called an inter-invention, dummy.

We brought Tim along because he's been through one of these. Right, Tim?

Twice. And I'm proud to say it worked both times.

Now, sit down. Let's get this show on the road. I ain't got all day.

I got a Christmas ham in the microwave needs to be flipped.

We're all here to tell you why we liked you better nice.

Darnell, go.

Hey, Earl. I've written a poem that best expresses how I feel.

"Sadness falls on us all...

like food from a sideways refrigerator."

Next.

Before I came to this country, I never had any male friends...

because my mother always taught me men are only interested in one thing--

raping your mother.

Uh, yeah. Can y'all come back to me?

I misunderstood this whole thing.

I thought we were here to kick his ass.

Earl, it was an honor to be the first person you crossed off your list.

Without your help, I never would have experienced the love of another man.

Next!

I'd follow you anywhere, Earl.

I followed you and karma and your list,

and it took me to all these wonderful people.

Now you're leadin' me away from them...

and we're losin' our friends, and I don't like it.

I don't like this feelin' I got in my stomach anymore.

It's not like when we were helpin' people.

So let's just go back to the way it was before.

Because if you do good things, good things happen.

Right, Earl? Right?

Nope. There is no karma.

I did my list for two years,

and the only good things that happened were for other people.

If good things were gonna happen to me, they would have happened by now.

But they didn't, so screw the list, screw karma...

and screw all of you for ruinin' my Christmas morning.

Doris, baby, everyone's leavin'.

Come say good-bye to your dead sister.

[ Earl Narrating ] I had no idea where I was goin' to,

but I knew where I was goin' from.

I wanted to get as far away from those people as I could.

[ Man ] * Call out the instigators *

* Because there's something in the air * But karma came lookin' for me.

* We got to get together sooner or later *

* Because the revolution's here *

* And you know it's right *

A wrapper-- A cheeseburger wrapper!

Ha! There is no karma! * And you know that's it's right *

Wahoo! [ Grunts ]

* We have got to get it together *

[ Groaning ]

* We have got to get it together * I thought karma was dead,

but she was just layin' low, keepin' a tally of everything I had done wrong.

[ Groaning ] Okay, you're there.

I get it.

So you only punish me for being bad?

How about rewardin' me for bein' good?

What about that, huh? [ Car Door Opens, Closes ]

Where's the good? Earl?

- [ Earl Narrating ] And there it was-- the good. - Billie?

I'd met her a few months back. She wasn't just pretty.

She was trying to turn her life around, just like me.

And ever since I met her, I hadn't stopped thinkin' about her.

She had really made an impression on me,

and now she'd made an impression on my whole body.

Oh, my God. I don't believe this is happening. You're gonna be okay.

I was more than okay. I was on top of the world.

I passed out knowing karma had brought me my good thing,

and that, if I was lucky, maybe we'd spend the rest of our lives side by side.

Stay still. I'm gonna go get some help.

* And you know that it's right * [ Horn Honks ]

[ Groans ]

* We have got to get it together *

* We have got to get it together *

* Now **