All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E11.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ever since the Shoney's
burned down,

the Crab Shack was Camden's best
place to have a "welcome home
from prison" party.

But you had to get there early
to claim the pool table.

[ Slurring ]
Hey, Earl. Drinky, drinky.

I made some eggnog.

- [ Gagging ]
- [ Laughing ]

It's not eggnog.

It's just margarita
with a egg in it.

It's awful.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It sure felt good
to be out of prison.

- There was just one problem.
- [ Groans ]

Prison wasn't quite out of me.

My name is Earl.

Hey, Earl. I'm glad you got out
in time for Christmas.
Yeah, me too.

I picked the leader
of the skinheads
as my secret Santa.

And what do you get for the guy
who hates everything?

Oh, Earl.
I meant to tell you this,

but I was unconscious
for the last 15 minutes.

But I got your list back
from the prison
property department.

[ Laughs ]
You may wanna add
"Broke Randy's nose" to it.

Man. It must feel good
to have the list back.

Like Linus getting
his blanket back.

'Course, he's probably
grown up now, with kids
of his own.

Now he's the one going,
"Wah, wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah."

Yeah, yeah. It's, uh--
It's good to see this again.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I said I felt good,
but truth be told,

I wasn't sure how I felt.

You see, it was doing
a good thing for Joy
that got me thrown in prison,

and doing good things in prison
eventually got me thrown
in the hole.

In fact, the only reason
I got out of prison was...

- 'cause I was in the middle
of doin' something bad.
- [ Screams ]

After everything that happened,
karma had me pretty confused.

- What number
you gonna do next, Earl?
- I don't know.

I think, uh, maybe I need
to get settled first.

You know, get my life
back in order.

[ Earl Narrating ] I thought
I'd feel better once I got back
in our old motel room,

but unfortunately the mayor
decided to start
a new Christmas tradition--

hiding the homeless
for the holidays.

Whoa! Check it out.
Gary's white!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out there was only
one room left.

[ Buzzer Sounds ]

To get my life back on track,
I needed a job.
[ Tires Squealing ]

Unfortunately, there was
only one business in town
that would hire ex-cons.

So I was the new delivery guy
for the Camden Foreign Food
Restaurant.

Damn it, Randy, you said
you secured Senor Lo Mein.

You know, for the guy
who gets to wear the costume...

and ring all the doorbells,
you sure are grouchy.

Let's just
get this over with.

Ralph?

Actually, it's Stan Johansen.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph's life had taken
a few interesting turns...

since he hopped over
the prison wall six months ago.

He was so desperate
to get away from that prison,

he got in the first car
that would pick up
a man with no pants.

Oh, my God. Hop in.
All right.

And to make you
more comfortable,
I'll take off my shirt.

[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Ralph ]
Stop the car. Stop the car!

You're lucky I can't drive
a stick, or I'd kick your ass
and take your car, pervert.

And if you tell anybody
what we did, I'll kill you!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Ralph was gettin' more and more
desperate as the days wore on.

[ Man ]
* And my legs are thin *

* But don't ask me
what I think of you *

* I might not give the answer
that you want me to *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Until finally,
he saw a way out.

* Oh, well **

Oh, my.

You look like
you could use some pants.

What good eyes you have,
Grandma.

Well, come on in, young man.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Lucky for Ralph,
Doris was one of those widows...

that never threw out
her dead husband's clothes.

Ooh. Sweet Coke bottles.

[ Doris ]
Stan?

Stan, is that you?

Why, sure it is, sweetie pie.

Stan.
Who else would it be?

Oh, Stanley!

[ Laughing ]

Hey, what's
my A.T.M. number again?

[ Laughing ]
Oh, I got it made, buddy.

Every Wednesday
I get my pension check.

Plus, he died
with a fully stocked
medicine chest.

I don't know what "E.D." is,
but, buddy, you won't believe
what those pills do.

I don't believe this.
We're living
in a laundry room.

- Everything okay
in here, Stan?
- Oh, yeah, sugarplum.

Just my food being delivered.

She gets a little nervous
when there's strange men
in the house.

I can't even take off my glasses
or she freaks out. Watch.

- [ Screams ]
- Oh.

Oh, you!

Oh, I love you.
[ Kissing Sounds ]
Yeah.

Okay. You guys gotta
get out of here.

I gotta eat, then, uh,
I gotta give Doris her bath.

Ain't all peaches and cream.
[ Clears Throat ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was starting to feel
more like life on the outside...

was worse than it was
in prison.

[ Farting ]

What's the matter, Earl?
Consuelo's farting
keeping you up too?

This sucks, Randy.

I'm an ex-con, I'm broke,
I got a crappy job.

That's okay, Earl.
Don't be sad.
We've lived on floors before.

Not after I spent two years
of my life doing good things,
we haven't.

Randy, things
were supposed to be
better than this by now.

Hey, maybe you should go ahead
and do something on your list.

That always
makes you feel better.
I don't know.

Fine. I'll pick something.

Here's a good one.
Number 205--

"Ruined Club Chubby's
Mistletoe."

I like it.
It's Christmassy.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Couple years ago,
Randy had stolen...

what he thought was a laser gun
but ended up just being
a laser pointer.

Still fun though.

It's like having
a tiny green hand
I can put wherever I want.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Gentlemen, put your hands
together for Mistletoe.

[ Man ] * Run, run, Rudolph
Santa's gotta make it to town *

- [ Groans ]
- [ Crowd ]
Oh!

- [ Laughing ]
- You son of a bitch.
That was you?

They had to fuse my spine.
I got to wear this thing
for two more years.

Listen, I said
I was sorry so--
No, you didn't.

Well, whatever.
It's implied.
I'm here, aren't I?

Earl, maybe you forgot
in prison,

but usually when you talk
to people on the list,
you use your nice guy voice.

I told you I wasn't
ready for this.

I had a quarter wedged in
this thing for over a year and
can't get the damn thing out.

That sucks. I've had
a candy corn stuck in my ear
since I was nine.

Sometimes it attracts ants.

Okay, life's rough.
Things get stuck places.
We can all agree on that.

Anyway, like I was sayin',
I got this list,
and to cross you off...

I need to do something
to make it up to you,
so what can I do?

I get to pick anything?
Yeah, if you calm down
a little bit.

I'm not gonna let you pick
while you're pissed.

It's like letting you
go grocery shopping hungry.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I didn't want to do
what Mistletoe chose,

but I was trying
to get my life back on track,

and my last hope
was the list.
[ Cheers, Whistles ]

Come on, baby.
Spin 'em.

[ Cheering, Whistling ]

What are you doin', Earl?
Your next shift's about to--

[ Gasps ]
Hey, you're smoking.

Why are you smoking?
Quittin' was on your list.

I'm smoking 'cause
some old Texan dude just
offered to buy me a boob job.

It's a little stressful, okay?

If it makes you feel
any better, Mistletoe seems
like she's a lot happier.

I can see a spring
in her step.

- Randy, that's caused
by an actual spring.
- [ Horn Honking ]

Hey, good buddy.
What's goin' on?

Look what I found
in Doris's garage.
Sweet ride, huh?

Rock and roll!
[ Laughs ]

[ Man On P.A. ]
For the second time today,

let's put your hands together
for Earl Hickey!

Come on. We're leavin'.
What? Why?

What about Mistletoe?
What about the list?

I'm not doin' it anymore.

That's right.
[ Exhales ]

I'm finished with the list.

- You can't.
Something bad might happen.
- Oh, really?

Ralph's an escaped convict
who's stealing from
an old lady.

Nothin' bad's happening to him.

I'm pretty sure
this karma stuff
doesn't really exist.

I mean, think about it, Randy.

I got the whole idea
from Carson Daly,
for God sakes.

He's a talk show host
who's on after
two other talk show hosts.

What does that tell you?

Randy, look how many things
I've crossed off.

What do I have to show for it?
Nothin'.

If karma was real,
I'd have something good by now.

Where's my good thing, Randy?
Where's my good thing?

Okay.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had given up my list,

and it was no surprise
my friends had
a strong reaction.

Oh, he's back.
My baby's back,
and he's bad again!

- Stan?
- Stan's goin' to dialysis,
snookums.

Don't wait up.

I hope you're here
to dance, Earl Hickey.

Yeah, uh, that's not
gonna happen. I kind of
lost the list... for good.

Well, hey, Catalina senorita.
Ooh. Now, that's tight.
No jiggle there.

I slapped that one over there
about 10 minutes ago,
and look. She's still wigglin'.

- [ Laughs ]
- Oh, Ralph, you're so crazy.

Ow! Damn, girl.
He just did it.

But you're a better person
than him. I don't expect
that kind of thing from you.

Well, I'm sick of people
expecting more from me.

How come I always have to act
better than everyone else?

I expect you to act
like a friend, not a jerk.

I don't like
the new Earl Hickey.

I'm not the new Earl Hickey.
I'm the old Earl Hickey.

You just never met him.
Whoa!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even though we weren't
too popular with Catalina,

some of her coworkers
found us amusing.

We just needed
a place to take 'em.

Lucky for us,
I knew Joy and Darnell...

had taken the kids to see
her parents in Nathanville...

and wouldn't be back
until the next day.

[ Laughing ]

Y'all feel that?

I think
the trailer shifted.

Hey, let me try one.

Rock and roll!
Yeah!
Yeah!

- [ Together ]
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
- Yeah!

Let's get this baby rockin'.

Yeah. Okay.

One, two, three!

[ All Yelling ]

[ Ralph ]
It's goin' over. Timber!

[ Hooting, Laughing ]

[ Snoring ]

Hey, Earl.

[ Yawns ]
Hey, Crabman.

What's up? You know, in regards
to our home being turned
on its side and whatnot?

- Oh, yeah.
- Sons of bitches.

What the hell did you do?
What the hell did you do?

[ Grunts ]

And talk fast,
'cause I'm gonna stab you
in the throat...

once I figure out
which one of these
is the knife drawer.

Oh, come on, Joy.

You gotta admit,
it's a little funny.
Tell her, Darnell.

Well, maybe in time
we'll come to find
the comic absurdity--

Oh, my God.

How long
was he on his back?

Found one.

Damn it.

All right, buddy,
it's been fun, but
I gotta get back to Doris.

I promised I'd take her
coffin shoppin' today.

Ralph, can we come in?
Oh, I don't know.

Too many movin' blobs
in the house might
make Doris nervous.

Well, we'll keep still.
Yeah--

Look, there's no way
Catalina's letting us sleep
in the laundry room anymore.

We're starving,
and I haven't showered
in days.

Yeah, you do kind of stink,
but, uh, you know,

if my goose gets nervous,
them golden eggs...

might stop falling from
her wrinkled little bottom,
and I can't risk that.

See you later.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Car Door Slams ]

[ Man ]
* I'll have a blue Christmas *

* Without you *

* I'll be so blue *

* Thinkin' about you *

* Decorations of red *

* On a green Christmas tree *

* Won't mean a thing, dear **

[ Earl Narrating ]
Didn't seem fair.

I was outside and hungry,

takin' a whore's bath
and eating birdseed
for breakfast...

all because Ralph
wasn't willing to share
his good fortune.

* There's skeeter
on my peter *

* Flick it off *

[ Earl Narrating ]
He had it so good,
he even had a sponge on a stick.

But all that
was about to change.

* There's a dozen
on my cousin *

* You can hear
those suckers comin' **

Earl, what are you doin'?

Actually, Ralph,
my name is Stan Johansen.

Yeah, nice try.
You don't even look
like Stan Johansen.

Is everything okay, Stan?

Somebody thinks
I look like Stan.

Yeah. Everything's fine,
puddin'.

Who's that man
in his underwear?

A friend who's
just about to leave.

The hell
are you doin', man?

That's my old lady.
Get your own sugar granny.
Too bad, Ralph.

I'm lookin' out
for number one.
Now, get off my property.

There's a new Stan in town.
Yeah, or how about
Die Hard 2?

[ Groaning ]

Earl, that's Ralph.
Maybe you can't see him
through those glasses.

You forgot something, Ralph.
Before I started that
stupid list, I was the boss.

I gave the orders.
Well, there's no list anymore,
so get goin'.

All right, fine.
Be Doris's husband.

But I ain't gonna tell you
where she keeps
the cookie jar money.

Oh, damn it.

What?
Ralph's been our buddy
for a long time.

Aw, he would have done
the same to us, Randy.

We're better off without him.
Just two brothers lookin' out
for each other.

By the way,
you can't sleep inside.

What?
Where am I gonna sleep?

There's no room
at the motel,
and it's Christmas Eve.

I'm just like Jesus' baby.
Randy, it's just
for the first couple nights.

We gotta ease into it.
Tell you what.

Next week I'll let you
sit perfectly still
in the living room...

and tell Doris
you're a new chair.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

* Silent night *

* Holy night *

[ Together ]
* All is calm *

* All is bright *

* Round yon virgins *

* Mother and child **

Doris, honey,
your high chair fell
off the toilet again.

- What the hell?
- Look, Stanley.

The whole family came home
for Christmas,

even my sister
who died in 1973.

[ Laughing ]

Silly bitch
put mothballs in my cocoa.

What are y'all doing here?
Get out now.

Nobody's leavin'
until you listen
to what we have to say.

We're here to save you
from yourself.
It's called an invention.

It's called
an inter-invention, dummy.

We brought Tim along
because he's been through
one of these. Right, Tim?

Twice. And I'm proud to say
it worked both times.

Now, sit down. Let's get
this show on the road.
I ain't got all day.

I got a Christmas ham
in the microwave
needs to be flipped.

We're all here
to tell you why
we liked you better nice.

Darnell, go.

Hey, Earl.
I've written a poem
that best expresses how I feel.

"Sadness falls on us all...

like food
from a sideways refrigerator."

Next.

Before I came to this country,
I never had any male friends...

because my mother
always taught me men are
only interested in one thing--

raping your mother.

Uh, yeah.
Can y'all come back to me?

I misunderstood
this whole thing.

I thought we were here
to kick his ass.

Earl, it was an honor
to be the first person
you crossed off your list.

Without your help,
I never would have experienced
the love of another man.

Next!

I'd follow you anywhere, Earl.

I followed you and karma
and your list,

and it took me
to all these wonderful people.

Now you're leadin' me
away from them...

and we're losin'
our friends,
and I don't like it.

I don't like this feelin'
I got in my stomach anymore.

It's not like when
we were helpin' people.

So let's just go back
to the way it was before.

Because if you do good things,
good things happen.

Right, Earl? Right?

Nope. There is no karma.

I did my list
for two years,

and the only good things
that happened were
for other people.

If good things were gonna
happen to me, they would
have happened by now.

But they didn't,
so screw the list,
screw karma...

and screw all of you
for ruinin'
my Christmas morning.

Doris, baby, everyone's leavin'.

Come say good-bye
to your dead sister.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had no idea
where I was goin' to,

but I knew where
I was goin' from.

I wanted to get as far away
from those people
as I could.

[ Man ]
* Call out the instigators *

* Because there's
something in the air *
But karma came lookin' for me.

* We got to get together
sooner or later *

* Because the revolution's
here *

* And you know it's right *

A wrapper--
A cheeseburger wrapper!

Ha! There is no karma!
* And you know
that's it's right *

Wahoo!
[ Grunts ]

* We have got
to get it together *

[ Groaning ]

* We have got
to get it together *
I thought karma was dead,

but she was just layin' low,
keepin' a tally of everything
I had done wrong.

[ Groaning ]
Okay, you're there.

I get it.

So you only punish me
for being bad?

How about rewardin' me
for bein' good?

What about that, huh?
[ Car Door Opens, Closes ]

Where's the good?
Earl?

- [ Earl Narrating ]
And there it was-- the good.
- Billie?

I'd met her a few months back.
She wasn't just pretty.

She was trying
to turn her life around,
just like me.

And ever since I met her,
I hadn't stopped
thinkin' about her.

She had really made
an impression on me,

and now she'd made an impression
on my whole body.

Oh, my God. I don't believe
this is happening.
You're gonna be okay.

I was more than okay.
I was on top of the world.

I passed out knowing karma
had brought me my good thing,

and that, if I was lucky,
maybe we'd spend the rest
of our lives side by side.

Stay still.
I'm gonna go get some help.

* And you know
that it's right *
[ Horn Honks ]

[ Groans ]

* We have got
to get it together *

* We have got to get it
together *

* Now **