All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E09.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

Earl, you just crossed off June
and July of next year.

Are those months
not happening anymore?

I don't mind.
It's just that I need
to move some stuff around.

I'm just figuring out
how much time the warden's
takin' off my sentence.

[ Earl Narrating ]
For a few months now,

every time I solved a problem
for the warden,

he gave me a certificate
worth a week or two
off my time in prison.

I helped the leaders
of two violent gangs learn
to get along... really well.

I captured an escaped prisoner,
with a little help from Randy...

and a high-ranking K-9 officer.
[ Growling ]

I even cleaned all the hair out
from the prison showers.

Pretty soon I'd gotten all
but six months taken off
my sentence.

And lucky for me,
the warden was one
of those people...

who never seem
to run out of problems.

Earl! Thank God you're here.
I'm totally screwed.

- You could just
open the safe again.
- What?

Oh, not this.
I do this all the time. No.

I was at this press conference,

and this really tricky reporter
tricked me...

w-with his tricky trickiness.

...continues my commitment
to statewide education reform.

- [ Clamoring ]
- Yes, Andy?

Governor, I actually have
a question for your husband.

[ Nervous Laugh ]

Jerry.

- Thank you.
- Wait, Warden Hazelwood.

Many of your programs
have failed.

What do you plan to do
to turn around
this dismal record?

Well, I have what I call
the Super-duper Super Program.

I don't want to go
into all the details now,

but I gotta tell you,
it's pretty great.
[ Chuckles ]

At Quillen Penitentiary,
the warden has instituted
a reconciliation program...

where criminals
and their victims
meet face to face.

To fight.
Two men enter,
one man leaves.

Yes, we're doin' that.

Not fight, Jerry. To reconcile.

Yes. We have that too.

Uh, they have a choice.

Naturally we try
to steer them
towards makin' up.

[ Nervous Laugh ]
So. Any more questions?

I have no idea
how to do this.

Earl, you got
six months and 10 days
left in here.

Now, you make
this program work,

and I will give you
a certificate for six months
off your sentence.

Six months? I'll do it.

Then I'll only need
a certificate worth 10 days,

which maybe I can get by...

making you my world-famous
cheese omelet.

That does sound good.

We'll talk.

[ Earl Narrating ] I like the
idea of helping a prisoner make
up for something bad he did,

since that's what I do
with my list.

All I had to do now
was find the right guy.

Sure are a lot of people in here
for aggravated assault.

Isn't everybody
who commits assault
kind of aggravated?

Not necessarily.
Remember when I hugged
that baby duck to death?

That was fun
until it was sad.

When you get free, we're gonna
go back to that lake
and just do the fun part.

This guy could work.

John Clevenger.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd heard about John.

He was a sensitive,
artistic type
and a first-time offender.

[ Man ]
* Bound by wild desire *

[ Earl Narrating ]
He was in prison for burning
down his parents' house...

when his meth lab caught fire.

* I fell into
a burning ring of fire *

* I went down, down, down *

* And the flames went higher *

* And it burns, burns, burns *

* The ring of fire *

* The ring of fire **

Hey, uh, are you
John the Artist?
Cool.

I'm glad that name finally
caught on. I started that
a couple weeks ago.

Oh, good for you.

I've been pushin'
for Duke of Earl,
but it won't stick.

- Even with the song?
- There's a song?

Hey! That's mine.

You're not supposed to have
puddin' in your cell.

You got anything else
you're not supposed to have?

Maybe somethin' salty?

Listen. I'm here to talk
about what happened
with your parents.

- That fire was an accident.
- Clearly.

No one makes meth
with anything
but the best intentions.

How would you feel
about a program...

where you could sit down
with your parents and talk?

Really hash things out.

And hopefully it would
lead to an apology
and a big hug.

Wow. Well--

I can't imagine they're
gonna want to do that,

- but if they're up for it,
I'm in.
- Great.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since I couldn't go myself,

I asked Joy to meet
with John's parents...

and convince 'em
to come see their son.

Look, I understand
you feelin' weird
about meeting with your son.

I mean, everybody
hates meth heads.
That's a hundred-percenter.

On the other hand,
he is your son.

I just don't think
meeting with John
is such a good idea.

He was a very sweet boy,
but he changed.

Hell, everybody changes.
Changed how?

Well, with John was little,
he didn't burn down the house
and destroy everything we own,

so that was different.

Mr. and Mrs. Clevenger,
I think I know
what you're going through.

[ Sniffs ]

Last year Mr. Turtle
knocked over a candle
in our trailer...

and started a fire.

To this day, I don't know
if it was a accident...

or the result of pent-up
turtle hostilities
of some kind.

Our relationship
was very strained
the next few months.

We couldn't even
be in the same room.

Usually I'd leave
because it was quicker.

I thought this
was over.

I think we both did.

But eventually we sat down
and faced our problem head on.
[ Squeaks ]

That's right.

I'm not gonna lie to you.
It wasn't easy.

But we got through it,
and now our relationship
is stronger than ever.

And he seems more careful too.

I'm sorry.
[ Inhales ]

I have something
in my eye.

Thank you.

We'll do it.

[ Laughs ]
We'll go meet with John.

Nice work, Darnell.

Thanks.

I hope that wasn't
too awkward for you.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was a big day.

John was gonna
make up with his parents,

and I was gonna get
my certificate for six months
off my sentence.

[ Exhales ]

Earl, if I wanted
an uncomfortable silence,

I would have made
a lunch date with my wife.

A little awkwardness
is completely normal.

So far this is
a classic reconciliation.

Just say whatever's
in your heart.

Me?

If they're here
to apologize,
shouldn't they go first?

- What?
- What are you doin'?

You said we're here
for an apology.

Yeah, from you.
You're the one who's
supposed to be sorry.

- But it was their fault.
- Our fault?

You burned down our house.
You left your mother
smoldering and hairless.

That fire was the only time...

there was any warmth
in that house,
you cold-hearted bastards.

You should thank me.

Earl, on three,
we both fake heart attacks.

John, th-these are
your parents.

They wouldn't have come here
if they didn't love you.

You are a monster.

And whose fault
do you think that is, huh?

I'm a monster
because you ignored me
my whole life.

The most time
we ever spent together...

was the six weeks
of my trial, and you
wouldn't even look at me.

My eyes were bandaged.
[ Laughing ]
Oh, yeah.

Like you couldn't
pull up a little corner
and give me a peek? Cow!

How could you?
Don't talk to me
while I'm waiting for the door.

Earl, this is a disaster.

You got a week to fix this.

This couldn't
have gone better.
[ Chuckles ]

They're really doin'
the work, as my marriage
counselor likes to say.

You and the governor
are in marriage counseling?
Don't tell anybody.

She's pretty sensitive about it,
probably because of her
sex addiction.

The governor
has a sex addiction?

How do you know
all this stuff?

[ Earl Narrating ] The only way
I was gonna get the last six
months taken off my sentence...

was if I could get John
to make up with his parents.

But John was having trouble
gettin' with the program.

[ Earl ]
Hey, buddy.
Crazy stuff in there, huh?

I know. Can you believe
my parents expected me
to apologize to them?

See, here's the thing.

Everybody expected you
to apologize to them.

Hey, it's not my fault.
It's my parents' for being
such monsters my whole life.

They wouldn't let me
have a color TV
in my room.

They never
got me cargo pants.

They wouldn't even
let me go to my prom...

because they said
I was too stoned to drive--
as if that's possible.

John, this is my freedom
we're talkin' about.

I don't need you to be sorry.
I just need you say
you're sorry.

That's two
totally different things.

Well, if you want me
to do something big like that,

I want something big
in return.

How about
an aircraft carrier?
Randy.

- They're big.
- I want a prom.

- Huh?
- I wanna go to a prom.

I always think about
missing mine, and I know
I would have had a date,

because we lost
the entire football team
in a bus accident that year.

We can't do a prom in prison.

Where are you
gonna get the girls?

We only have
five trannies to dance with,
and they're all spoken for.

Fine. Then I wanna drive
an aircraft carrier.

Done.
[ Exhales ]

I don't even know who to call
to get an aircraft carrier.

Isn't your wife the governor?
The state doesn't have
a navy, Earl.

Well, if we can't get him
an aircraft carrier,
we gotta throw him a prom.

Prom?
[ Scoffs ]
A prison prom?

- I know. It's crazy, isn't it?
- Yeah. It's crazy.

But I just
looked like a jackass
in front of the press,

and it's time to show them
that Jerry Hazelwood
is no fool.

So let's get some women
behind these bars
and have ourselves a prom.

[ Earl Narrating ] Normally,
getting 50 women into a men's
prison would have been tricky.

But luckily, the warden
had stolen some of his wife's
governor stationery.

[ Beep ]
[ Woman On P.A. ]
Attention.

By order of the governor,
this coming Saturday
you will all be traveling...

to the men's prison
to attend a prom.

[ Squealing, Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
I needed help if I was gonna
throw a successful prom,

so I got someone
who started goin' to 'em
when she was 12.

I think my favorite prom
was my fourth one.

Six of us piled up
in the back of that limo.

That was one hell
of a basketball team.
They went to State that year.

First thing I think we need
is a theme, right?

Oh, yeah.
A theme unifies
all your elements.

[ Gasps ]
Ooh. How about that one?

"Underwater Wonderland."
That's awesome.

Plus, my hair looks
really good when it's wet.

It looks kind of expensive.

Is that a whale
with a chocolate fountain
blowhole?

You got money.
He's got money?

Yeah. He won the lottery.
Didn't he tell you?

He's got $24,612.17 left,
minus 400.

Kids' school was selling
candy and you went
a little crazy.

We could throw
a pretty awesome prom
for $24,000.

- Wait-Wait-Wait a second.
- [ Gasps ]
Oh, snap.

A nine-foot-tall
purple seaweed arch
trimmed in platinum coral.

It's a gateway
to a magical universe.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Things were addin' up fast.

But then I thought about
how much I'd enjoy
being out of prison.

It was the little things
about life on the outside
I missed the most,

[ Alarm Clock Beeping ]
like sleeping in my warm bed
next to my warm brother--

having the freedom to wear
something different every day--

[ Man ]
* I'm free to
do what I want *

* Any old time *

feelin' the wind in my hair--

* I'm free to do what I want *
grass--

and just enjoying time
with my friends.
* Any old time **

So there it was.

Giving John what he wanted
was gonna cost me
every dime I had.

But I wasn't just buyin'
a prison prom.

I was buyin' six months
of my life back.

Okay. Fine. Let's do it.

[ Squeals ]
I haven't written
a check in a while.

What do I put
in this memo section?

You're supposed to put
something to remind you
what the check was for,

but I usually just write,
"Suck it, gas company."

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd never forget
what this check was for,

but I wanted
to write it down anyway.

[ Joy ]
I can't believe this.

I made a prom in prison happen.

I bet this is what
it feels like to be Oprah.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Finally, the big night had come.
** [ Swing Pop ]

Even though no one actually
got to choose their date,

everyone seemed happy
to have some new company--

including me.

Depending on who you asked,
my date, Tanani,
was either in prison...

for protesting the government's
oppressive treatment
of Native Americans...

or for stabbing her boss
at the company picnic.

It may have taken all my money,
but it really was turning out
to be a magical night.

And splurging on the food
really paid off.

This food is awesome, Earl.
Thanks.

People seem
to be enjoyin' it.

How come there's no
white chocolate fountain?

Good man.

** [ Funk ]

[ Man Rapping ]
* Uh, uh, uh, uh *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Everybody was having a blast,
especially me.

* What, what, what, what *

[ Earl Narrating ]
'Cause it wasn't just a prom.

It was my
getting-out-of-jail party.

* Ready, set, let's go
Dance floor pro *

* I know you know
I go psycho
when my new joint hit *

* Just can't sit
Gotta get jiggy wit it *

[ Women ]
* Na na na na na na na na *
[ Onlookers Cheering ]

* Gettin' jiggy wit it *
* Na na na na na na na na **

[ Earl Narrating ] And then
something happened that made
a sweet night even sweeter.

We crown Earl Hickey
as prom king...

because he is responsible
for this entire evening,

including getting me
this awesome outfit.

[ Chanting ]
Earl! Earl! Earl! Earl!

[ Earl Narrating ]
I never thought being
prom king would mean so much,

mostly because I didn't know
proms had kings.

Well, now that I knew it,
it felt great.

Thank you,
fellow creatures of the sea.

[ Cheering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Then
I realized this crown would
mean even more to someone else.

- But you know who we should
really be thanking for this--
- Jesus?

Well, okay, but I was
thinking of someone
a little more on our level.

- The pope?
- Okay, church guy.
Stop answering.

I'm just gonna tell you.
It's John.

[ Man ]
John the Baptist?
No, John the Artist.

He's the real
prom king.

Without him, none of this
would've ever happened.

[ Chanting ]
John! John! John! John!
John! John! John! John!

John! John! John! John!

[ Cheering ]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Sure, John was prickly
and demanding,

but underneath that,
he was a sad kid who had
missed out on a lot in life,

and I was glad
to give some of it back--

especially since I was getting
six months of my own life
back too.

Thank you for giving this
another chance.

Things are gonna be
a little different
this time.

Oh, there they are--
Mr. and Mrs. Hitler.

- Go back to Communist Russia.
- [ Sobbing ]
Oh, no.

You're a terrible son and you
know nothing about history.

I just got elected prom king.
I'm the king. Everybody
loves me except for you,

because you're both
fat failures
who don't know how to love.

How dare you?

What the hell was that?
You promised me you were
gonna make up with your parents.

What do you want from me?
I saw them again
and I went off.

We had a deal.
I spent every
dime I had on you,

and all I have to show for it
are pictures of me
and a short chick...

who didn't even put out
at the prom.

Hey, my parents treated me
like crap, so now I treat
other people like crap.

It's out of my control, Earl.
Oh, come on. You still make
your own decisions.

You don't get it.
Anything bad I do
isn't my fault.

It's theirs
for being lousy parents.

My middle name is Lou.
John Lou.

There's two toilets
in my name, Earl.

I never had a chance!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Right then something
inside me just snapped.

I don't know if it was
'cause I'd been in prison
for too many months...

or the fact that this punk
was keeping me in
for six more...

but all I wanted to do
was make him suffer.

I wanted to take
everything from him...

like he took everything
from me and his parents.

[ Man ]
I am the god of hellfire,
and I bring you--

* Fire *

* I'll take you to burn *

* Fire *

- * I'll take you to learn *
- What the hell, man?
What are you doing?

Hey, you treated me like crap,
so now I treat other people
like crap.

It's out of my control.

My prom picture,
my painting--

You son of a bitch!
* And you saved
and you earned *

* But all of it's gonna burn **
Oh, I'm sorry.
D-Did I hit you?

Well, don't blame me,
'cause anything bad I do
isn't my fault.

It's your fault,
includin' this.

[ Groans ]

This isn't over, Hickey.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I wasn't proud of what I did...

and doin' it didn't actually
make me feel any better.

Plus, John promised
there'd be payback.
And there was.

It just wasn't
the payback I expected.

Turned out the more
John blamed me
for burning down his cell,

the more he had to admit
he should blame himself...

for what he'd done
to his parents.

[ Man ]
* When I look up to the sky *

And he knew
he needed to make it right.
* A funny kind of yellow *

* I rush home to bed
I soak my head *

* I see your face *
[ Mr. Clevenger ]
Beautiful.

* Underneath my pillow *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out all the time
John spent stoned,

he'd memorized
every family photo
on that wall--

* Pictures of matchstick men
and you *

photos that John's parents
assumed were lost forever,

which was reasonable,
since they'd all been
destroyed in the house fire.

* Matchstick men and you *

And John had found a way to
give 'em back something they
thought they'd never see again.

* All I ever see
is them and you **

It was the best reconciliation
John's parents could have
hoped for.

And most importantly for me,
the warden was gonna look good
in front of his wife.

Earl, that was amazing.

You really understand
the psychology
of the criminal mind.

[ Whistles ]
You're like
the scumbag whisperer.

Well, I'm just glad
everything turned out
so well, sir.

And for somebody,
it's only gonna get better.

Here's six more months
off your sentence.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you so much.

Now, Earl, thank you
for bailing me out
one more time.

Honestly, I don't know
what I would do here...

without you
to cover my ass.

Well, I guess you're
gonna find out tomorrow.

Thanks again, sir.

[ Whirring ]