Original subtitles

[ Male Announcer ] Previously on My Name Is Earl.

In a world where friends are hard to find and even harder to keep,

and even harder than that to keep if you can find them,

there was an innocent mustached prisoner,

his unmustached guard brother,

locked in a no-holds-barred battle to decide who's in charge.

Face it, Randy, you only took this job 'cause you couldn't exist out there without me.

Or maybe I knew you couldn't exist in here without me.

Or maybe you're gettin' defensive and sayin' everything I say back at me.

Or maybe you're just sayin' what I'm gonna say before I say it.

What? I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

[ Announcer ] And a pregnant ex-wife who will stop at nothing...

to get her sister's surrogated biracial baby out of her womb.

Now a renegade criminal is on the loose with nothing to lose.

And an angry warden must answer to himself and his governor wife.

I know what I'm doing. I'm a grown man! [ Grunts ]

[ Announcer ] Now, in order to protect his job,

the warden must find someone just crazy enough to attempt the impossible.

Because you're both gonna go out there,

you're gonna get Frank and you're gonna bring him back here!

[ Announcer ] A secret mission that no one can find out about.

No troopers, no press. And the governor can never hear about this.

[ Announcer ] A difficult mission made mission impossible.

- Before we go, which one of us is in charge? - Would you two figure it out?

[ Announcer ] Two feuding brothers,

one escaped convict, zero chances to fail.

Damn it, Randy, the warden's my best chance of gettin' out of here early.

Why would you take a bunch of convicts for ice cream?

They get ice cream in the prison cafeteria.

I didn't want 'em to taste the ice cream, Earl. I wanted 'em to taste the freedom.

Okay, look, we have 46 hours.

Frank couldn't have gotten that far. Where's the ice cream store?

It's the one next to the train station and that costume store,

near the bong shop where they make the fake I.D.'s.

We just have to look for a guy who could be dressed as anything...

and who's anywhere a train might go.

Last Tuesday, a bunch of prisoners put a tiny bird in your food, and you ate it.

[ Gasps ] Wasn't gonna say anything, but now I want you to suffer.

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were just beginning our journey...

and Joy was tryin' to end hers by giving birth to her half-sister's overdue baby.

Whichever one of you pregnant bitches thinks you're goin' next, you are wrong.

I need to get some drugs to kick-start this delivery!

You promised your sister you'd deliver naturally.

You want their little one coming into this world dripping with lies?

Darnell, you know my word doesn't mean anything.

If it did, you and I wouldn't have been humping when I was still married to Earl.

In that case, the shame was part of the rush.

But without illicit sex, shame is just shame.

Whatever. Excuse me! [ Pounds On Desk ]

Hey, last name's Turner. I need to see a doctor, pronto.

Dr. Pronto to reception, please. Dr. Pronto.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

You know what? If somebody shows up, I'll take 'em.

[ Earl Narrating ] While Joy was tryin' to push out one child,

Darnell had asked Catalina to watch their other two.

You can hang out in here. Don't be scared. No one died in this room.

They made it to the stairway. It smells.

What are we gonna do in here?

I don't know. I'm not very good with kids.

No offense, but you guys freak me out with your tiny hands and teeth falling out all the time.

Do you know any games?

When I was a little girl, we used to play a game called "Hide and Don't Peek."

How do you play?

An armed gunman takes your family hostage while you run and hide,

and then you pray the guerrillas leave before they find you.

And how do you win?

By pulling the bodies on top of you and lying very, very still.

[ Earl Narrating ] It felt good to be outside the prison walls, but not too good.

Really, are these necessary? It's prison policy.

Oh, like taking convicts for ice cream.

No, that's not prison policy. Haven't you learned anything from what I did?

What's this? It's a search dog.

I had him sniff Frank's bed.

Randy, the warden doesn't want word to get out that we're chasing an escaped convict.

Don't you think a guy in a prison guard uniform with a search dog is kinda obvious?

Don't you think a guy in a prisoner uniform with handcuffs is kinda obvious?

[ Scoffs ] Glass houses, Earl. Glass houses.

We're not takin' the stupid dog, Randy. I already found out where Frank's headed.

[ Earl Narrating ] After I'd left the warden's,

I went to find Frank's old stealin' buddy.

Paco, I didn't know you knew how to write music.

Turns out it's easy. It's just dots and lines.

When I get out of here, I'm gonna find someone to play it for me.

I can't wait to hear what it sounds like.

So, uh, maybe you haven't heard, but Frank escaped.

Damn it! Frank escaped? He gonna get all the money that we hid in the trailer.

Wait, you guys hid money in our trailer?

Uh, no.

- Thanks, Paco. - Damn.

I hope this song is a sad song.

[ Barking ] Give me the keys and uncuff me so I can drive.

I'm drivin'. I'm in charge.

Randy, you're not in charge. Plus, your foot's too big.

When you drive, your shoe hits the gas and the brake at the same time. It's terrifying.

I'm driving. I'm the cop. You're not a cop.

If I'm not a cop, how come when I pull up at the Home "Dee-pot" all those guys run away?

You mean, like your dog just did? [ Barking In Distance ]

Damn it. All right, then, I'll just have to pick up his scent on my own.

[ Sniffs ] Ew! Frank stinks.

How do dogs do this?

[ Sniffing ]

This is kinda small. Oh, whatever.

All I need is gravity, a bucket and a Wet-Nap. Let's do this thing.

[ Both Gasp ]

Oh, my God.

Look at this place. This must be where pregnant brides come on their honeymoon.

And here's some extra services available for a nominal fee.

"Volcanic mud mask, aromatherapy, eucalyptus wrap."

That sounds delicious.

Is the feminine face peel just for the ladies...

or can the gentlemen purchase that as well?

- Who pays for all these nominals? - Since you're just a surrogate,

it would be Mr. and Mrs. Ray-Ray and Liberty Washington.

Good. Then bring us some of those eucalyptus things.

Extra mayo. Miracle Whip, if you got it. And could you hurry up?

Because I want to eat before the nurse gets here with that inducing shot.

Mm-hmm.

Can you believe this fancy menu?

I swear, it's like I've died and gone to Chili's.

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were staking out Joy's trailer,

waitin' for Frank to show up and get his money.

And as luck would have it, I was spending my one day out of prison...

locked up in a small space with another man.

Well, where are you? I'm at the American terminal, and I don't see you.

Nah, I haven't had dinner yet. I thought we'd pick somethin' up on our way into town.

Randy, what are you doin'?

Hang on. I got someone talkin' to me.

I just wanted to see what it'd be like to have a cell phone.

Sorry. That was my brother. Yeah, he really is.

Uh, yeah, you're gonna have to find your own way home,

'cause my brother took a bunch of prisoners for ice cream, and then he lost one.

So we can't go anywhere 'cause he's a sucky guard.

You look so stupid right now.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was tryin' to get Randy to stop acting like a kid,

and Dodge and Earl Junior were tryin' to get Catalina to start acting like one.

So you've never played Simon says? Nope.

Freeze tag? No.

Hot potato? Hot potatoes were rare, reserved for birthdays only.

How about patty-cake?

Is that where you go like this...

and then get hit in the face for playing games instead of working the coca fields?

Just clap hands with me. Nothing bad is going to happen.

Randy, just give me the keys so I can uncuff myself.

I'm not supposed to uncuff a prisoner just because he asks.

Says so in the manual.

Oh, really? Well, what does it say to do if a prisoner does this?

[ Horn Honking ] I don't know. I haven't read the whole thing yet. Stop it, Earl.

Uncuff me and I will.

You know I can't stand the sound of honking since I got attacked by those gooses.

Well, they're probably on their way here right now.

Okay, I'll give you the key! Call 'em off! Call 'em off! [ Honking Stops ]

I think they messed up on our "cruditray." It's just vegetables.

That's what it's supposed to be.

Then they nailed it. This place is great.

If the pro-lifers knew what they were doin', they would just get everybody great insurance.

Oh, good, we didn't miss it!

How did you know we were here?

A volunteer from the hospital called to say our surrogate was admitted.

And they offered me a discount on a newborn photo shoot.

They can put in a backdrop later that makes the baby look like he's on the space shuttle.

Space baby. That's tight.

Well, let's not dillydally. We gotta get you down to the water birthing tub.

Water what?

Why do you want me to give birth underwater?

You didn't secretly impregnate me with some kind of fish baby, did you?

Oh, Joy, you're gonna love this.

It's based on ancient wisdom and traditions.

It goes all the way back to the '70s.

- Where's the mama in a hurry? - What the hell is that?

It's just my insulin. You know I'm epileptic.

You're inducing. Are you kiddin' me? You're not in labor.

I'm gonna get inside your hippy tub and against everything I believe in,

let this baby swim out of me and hopefully pop to the surface like a cork.

Or a witch baby. And in return,

you're gonna let this man nurse give me a shot so we can get this over with.

- Don't give her the shot. - My body, my choice!

I'm gettin' this thing out of me.

[ Muttering ]

Now gimme that shot or gimme a fishin' pole with a jar of baby food on the end of it.

[ Earl Narrating ] There was somethin' that wannabe doctor was not aware of.

Liberty was better known as Lady Liberty of BLOW-- Black Ladies of Wrestling.

[ Screaming ]

I think you dropped something.

Damn it, Darnell, you bogarted my inducing drugs.

You're not taking any drugs.

Fine. Darnell, grab all the shampoos and shower caps out of the bathroom.

We're gettin' outta here.

Do you have any literature on the effects of oxytocin on the male gender?

No. But if you survive and want to write something up, I bet you could get it published.

[ Sighs ] Oh.

[ Earl Narrating ] Joy was havin' trouble bein' a surrogate parent--

** [ Radio: Rock ] but Catalina was findin' it quite enjoyable.

In fact, the kids had finally taught her how to be a kid herself.

- ** [ Stops ] - I did it! I won a game! Whoo!

[ Earl Narrating ] Somebody else will have to teach her how to be a good sport.

Suck on that, white one!

[ Earl Narrating ] And the kids' names. Whoo!

** [ Over P.A.: "Turkey in the Straw" ]

All right.

I'm gonna get ice cream. No, you're not.

Yeah, I am.

Earl, stop or I'll shoot.

What are you gonna do, shoot me with that stupid beanbag gun? Ooh, I'm really scared-- Aah!

[ Laughs ] I got the beanbag. What are you gonna do now, genius?

[ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

Bye, Bob.

I don't know why the ice cream guy has all those pictures up.

All he's got are Creamsicles and pot.

Oh, God. What is it now?

Randy, I can't keep up with your emotions.

You were right all along.

[ Sobs ] I'm not a good prison guard. I'm not good at so many things.

I'm not a good speller. I'm not a good athlete.

I'm not the brother with the good butt.

I should never be in charge. [ Sniffles ]

Well, not in charge of people.

But of... toys. Maybe animals.

What about the dog that got away?

Okay. Well, toys.

[ Earl Narrating ] I tried to think of other stuff, but I ran out of time.

- Randy, there's Frank. - Great. The reason I feel so stupid in the first place.

And let me guess. He's not gonna trip over that rock that always gets me.

Nope. Walked right over it like The Fonz.

Randy, let's go.

- Hey, Frank. - Oh, hey, Earl.

You use your dumb brother to escape too?

[ Clanking ]

Oh, hey, Randy. Where you been? I've been lookin' for you.

I'm not ready to talk to you yet. Frank, I gotta take you back.

I know you're lookin' for Paco's money in that heater, but it's over.

Huh? No, I was actually lookin' for my gun.

[ Earl Narrating ] The only thing more frustratin' to Joy than not bein' in labor...

was the fact that her husband suddenly was.

I gotta stop walking. My contractions are two minutes apart.

Hurts bein' a woman, don't it, Darnell?

I'm not sure what's about to happen, but I know it's gonna need to happen over water.

Ooh, that was a bad one.

Hey, Earl. Hey, Crabman.

What the hell is goin' on? Did you break out?

Not exactly. But he did.

- Sorry. - All right, everyone, just chill out.

Damn, my horoscope was right. You better put that gun down.

If you kill a hot blonde nine months pregnant...

with her biracial half-sister's biracial baby,

Nancy Grace will convict you in the media before the first commercial break.

You have to kill somebody, kill Earl or Randy first.

What? I deserve it.

I just want to find my money. You, come on.

- Help me pull the stove out. - I can't.

If I strain too hard, I'm afraid I'll give birth to pooptuplets.

Here comes another wave. Ohh! You can kill him third.

I don't want to kill anyone. I just want my money, all right?

Now you, preggers. Come on. Help me move this thing.

[ Groans ] Joy, the cops are on their way.

They're gonna help me get my property back.

- Whoa! Y-Y-You called the cops? - You called the cops?

Damn. My horoscope was right. Hey, Earl.

Hey, Ray-Ray. Hey, Ray-Ray. Check it out.

We're chained to the refrigerator. Can you believe it?

Okay, everyone shut up while me and the fat chick move this thing before the cops get here.

Oh, snap! [ Water Dripping ]

I'm sorry. Pregnant chick. But seriously-- pull, bitch, pull!

No, my water just broke!

Oh, that's nasty! Oh, that soaked right through to the sock.

- Oh, we gotta get her to a hospital! - Uh, nobody's goin' anywhere.

Ray-Ray, I'm freakin' out! Get me a sedative from my purse!

- Can I get a handful of those too? - I'd like one.

- Yeah, that sounds good. - Can I have one too? Actually, you know what?

Hold onto it for me till later. I kinda need to stay sharp now.

Oh, hell, no. If I can't have drugs, neither can y'all.

- [ Siren Wailing ] - Oh, crap.

The cops are here. I-I have placentas on my feet.

You know what? This ain't my day. I-I'm out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Frank, Frank. Don't turn yourself in.

What are you doin', Earl? The warden said no cops.

You're doin' a good job, buddy. You've got a gun. You've got us all held hostage.

You can't quit now. You haven't even found your money yet.

Oh, what are you doing? If he wants to turn himself in, just-- Ow!

Oh, God! Shut up, Darnell!

You stole my drugs! You are not stealin' my limelight!

I believe in you, Frank. Just believe in yourself.

Okay. Yeah, thanks for the pep talk, Earl. You know, people--

people don't realize that hostage situations are stressful on both sides of the gun.

People don't realize that. You know what? You're right. I-I-I am good at this.

And you know what else? I do have something goin' on for me.

Yeah. You two, tank tops. Go ditch the cops.

Go on.

Yeah, you see? Now we doin' it.

[ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

I'm here about a stolen baby.

- She's about to give it back. - Yeah, so it's kind of a mute point now.

Moot point. You said "mute" with a "U." The word's moot. M-O-O-T.

No, I think it's mute point. Like there's no point talkin' about it anymore, so it's mute.

- Trust me, it's moot. - No, he's right. Mute makes sense.

Moot? What's moot?

[ Groans ] I didn't know it was possible, but I think my water just broke.

- Short breaths, Darnell. - You need me to call an ambulance?

Nah. He's just ridin' out some contractions. [ Joy Screams ]

- What was that? - Oh, that's just his wife givin' birth to my baby.

Look, brother, I don't know what's goin' on inside that trailer,

but I suggest you do like I'm about to do and distance yourself from these people.

[ Mouths Word ]

Come on, Darnell.

Bingo! I got my money. Look out, whorehouses of Mexico.

Cop's gone. Do I have permission to use the restroom now?

I don't care what you do, homeslice, 'cause I'm about to go to the--

I see fingers!

Gimme a towel, the coupon scissors and a chip clip.

You better be fixin' to open a bag of Fritos, MacGyver.

I've done this before. I once performed a caesarean on my cat, Miss Kitty.

Did the kittens live? Screw the kittens. Did mama cat make it?

I was nine. I did the best I could. What--

[ Man ] * Keep pushin' Keep pushin' *

* Keep pushin' * * Keep pushin' on *

* Keep pushin', Keep pushin' * * Keep pushin' on, yeah **

[ Joy Screaming ]

[ Baby Crying ]

She's so beautiful.

[ Earl Narrating ] The birth of a child is a powerful thing.

Even Frank was moved.

Wow.

I-It's been months since I've seen a vagina that wasn't crudely drawn on my hand.

[ Clicking ]

Well, I should get going.

Whoa, whoa! Frank. Frank!

- Frank! - [ Barking ]

[ Growling ] You were right, Randy. We did need the search dog.

So I guess I am good at some stuff, huh, Earl?

Like knowin' when to use a dog on a manhunt and breakin' freezer doors off refrigerators.

Yep. That was a real feat of strength.

Oh, and you might not have seen this, but when Frank was wavin' his gun all around,

I was standin' in front of you so he couldn't hit you with a bullet.

Yeah, you're a real good bullet shield, Randy.

So I guess it's okay that I'm not good at bein' in charge, because you are.

Well, I'm only good 'cause I got you on my team. Thanks.

Earl. I lied about bein' your bullet shield.

I was only standin' in front of you on accident.

I know, Randy. It's cool.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Earl Narrating ] But just because someone follows...

doesn't mean they don't have plenty to contribute.

Whether they're little brothers...

or big sisters.

What's this?

It's Frank's money. There's a couple thousand in there for Ray-Ray-Rayanne.

She's gonna need it for college. Or a boob job, in case she's not smart.

All right, kids, time to eat.

[ Earl Narrating ] And sometimes people don't want to stop contributing.

Wait. Five more minutes. We're in the middle of a game.

Okay, black one, your turn.