Original subtitles

o [ Earl Narrating ] For me, prison was like a long car vacation with my parents--

the more I slept, the shorter the trip.

Wakey, wakey. Hands off penis.

It's for protection.

There's a new guy here who thinks it's funny to pull on your junk while you're sleeping.

The principal wants to see you.

You mean the warden? Yeah. Did I say landlord again?

No. Good.

- You wanted to see me, sir? - Yeah, Hickey. Come on in.

You don't mind if I multitask, do you? Not at all, sir.

Vinnie's here to shave some guy for the electric chair.

Oh, I hate execution days.

Especially if they die with a funny look on their face, and you start giggling.

Then suddenly you're the jerk who's laughing at an execution.

Anyway, I am getting ready...

to start a program called "Scared Straight."

Not into the ladies, huh?

Well, it worked for a guy at my parents' church.

No, no. The program I'm talkin' about...

is where we go into schools, and we try to scare kids out of a life of crime.

We used to bring 'em here.

Didn't work out too well.

Remember, be scared, stay straight.

Excuse me.

He wasn't my buddy when we came in.

We finally found the real kid in the washing machine.

Two months later, he's still dizzy. [ Chuckles ]

So, what do you say? Are you in?

I'll give you a certificate that knocks another five weeks off your prison sentence.

If it keeps 'em out of trouble...

and gets me out of here five weeks sooner,

I guess scaring kids is a good thing.

Great! All right, you're gonna be putting on...

a presentation at the school in a couple of days.

Just pick any three prisoners you want to help you.

Just, if you pick a black guy, make sure he's a doctor or lawyer.

We don't want to perpetuate negative stereotypes.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was excited to get started on my Scared Straight project,

but first I had to look after Randy.

You okay, Randy? I'm great.

Found a shady spot in the yard where no other guards could see me, and I took a nap.

[ Earl Narrating ] Because as great as it was to see Randy every day--

well, he wasn't the best prison guard.

It was great. How was your weekend?

[ Earl Narrating ] Sometimes I got there in the nick of time.

Hey, Randy. Hey, Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] And sometimes I didn't. Mealtime.

Hello! Dinner. [ Man ] * I was in the right place *

* Must have been the wrong time * Oh! Oh, no!

[ Giggling ] That tickles.

[ Gasps ] No. No, no. No, no! No!

No! Earl! Earl! No! Earl!

[ Blubbering ]

- * My head is in a bad place * - [ Sniffs ]

* But I'm havin' such a good time * Yeah.

[ Earl Narrating ] And sometimes he wasn't just a danger to himself.

Everyone, this is Fred.

It's his first time in prison, and he's a little nervous.

He used to be a police officer, and then he molested a little boy.

So make him feel welcome. * Must have been the right time *

* I been in the right place **

Really? They wrote "Best guard" on my forehead?

They sure did.

[ Earl Narrating ] I realized if I wanted to keep Randy out of trouble,

I needed to keep him close, and I figured the warden wouldn't mind.

Good news, Randy.

The warden thinks you should be the guard...

to escort us on the Scared Straight project. Cool!

I was worried he thought I was an idiot...

when he saw me fall out of that guard tower.

I guess when I said, "I meant to do that," he believed me.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was trying to help Randy stay out of trouble,

and a very pregnant Joy was trying to get out of bed.

Oh, thank God you're here. I'm stuck again.

This mattress is pressing against me like a creepy uncle.

[ Earl Narrating ] Recently, Joy had found out that Liberty,

her lifelong enemy, was also her lifelong half-sister.

And after putting aside their differences,

Joy agreed to be Liberty and Ray-Ray's surrogate mom.

Baby, I told you you needed to stay in the middle. I was in the middle.

That damn monster truck pulled in next door...

and created a wave that pushed me into the crack.

Just get me out of here. I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.

Now, you know you're not allowed to sleep on any furniture with exposed rusty springs.

We don't know it was the couch that gave Earl Junior lockjaw.

Besides, when I agreed to be their surrogate,

I didn't realize they were part of the Nazi gazpacho.

[ Earl Narrating ] Being new to parenting, Liberty and Ray-Ray...

had a lot of baby rules.

No fried foods, no trans fat, no alcohol, no tobacco--

You first timers are way overprotective. I was that way with Dodge.

I even switched to Marlboro Lights, and he still came out with asthma.

With Earl Junior, she smoked cloves. That's why he likes spicy food.

Also, no soft cheeses, no canned cheeses,

no antiperspirants, no hair dye and no g-strings.

No g-strings or canned cheese?

How the hell am I supposed to celebrate New Year's?

[ Earl Narrating ] And even though she agreed to all those demands,

nine months and two weeks later, her patience was runnin' thin.

[ Groans ]

Even though Joy was not in a very good place, Randy was--

by my side, where he'd be safe while I had my Scared Straight auditions.

Our first two auditioners are Frank and Paco.

Frank's new to performing,

but Paco did once stab a guy in front of a big crowd.

Thanks for comin' in. Frank, why don't you go first? Scare me straight.

Okay. All right. Yo, yo!

When you get in here, first I'm gonna mess you up, and then--

I'm sorry. I blanked out.

[ Stammering ] You know, I had it perfectly back in my cell.

You know what? My fault. Paco should have gone first.

Go in the hall and collect yourself.

[ Clears Throat ]

- Go for it, Paco. - It's not too bad in here.

I mean, I made some new friends, and I even took a computer course.

And last week I googled myself-- Paco--

and I found out I have unclaimed money in Tejas-- that's Texas for you.

Next.

I like to cuddle.

You like to cuddle? You're in.

Did you really think this could possibly work?

I gave it a shot.

This is you.

This is you in prison.

Any questions? It was confusing, but I like your voice.

- You're in. - Watch this. This'll freak the kids out.

That was impressive, Wilson.

Wilson?

Damn, I wish he would have saved that for the show.

Then I'm gonna kick in all your teeth,

and rent you out for cigarettes like what.

When I get a hundred cigarettes, I'm gonna stuff 'em all up in your mouth...

and make you smoke 'em, like that dude from the Guinness Book of World Records.

You know why? 'Cause prison is boring.

I knew you had it in you.

So did I get the part?

[ Earl Narrating ] I had my Scared Straight team together...

and was excited to show the warden.

Okay, kids.

The scariest thing about prison is that there's violence everywhere.

Everywhere. Yeah. Everyone's always trying to get over on you.

And when you think you're safe,

[ Whispering ] you're walking along by yourself...

because you might be walking around and--

[ Yells ] [ Screams, Laughs ]

That is such nice work.

You like that? That is so scary.

Just had another thought.

What if the Scared Straight show had a green message too?

- I don't follow. - Green-- It means "environmentally friendly."

Yeah. The thing is, sir,

uh, goin' green doesn't fit with the rest of the show.

Well, work your magic. Make it fit.

Well, I'd just be wedgin' it in.

What if I told you you had to do it because I'm your boss?

Then I would say I could take the shower killing story,

and turn it into something about the importance of conserving water.

That's good.

[ Inhales ] And how about if we start the show...

when the guy bends over to pick up the phosphate-free soap?

[ Earl Narrating ] I wasn't the only one dealing with other people's crazy ideas.

PBS? Ray-Ray, how the hell would I get PBS when I'm pregnant?

Oh. It's a channel?

Oh. Hold on.

Okay, I found it. [ Man On TV, Indistinct ]

He's listening.

Dipstick and dumdum want the baby to listen...

to some stupid show about the moon landing.

Alleged moon landing.

Keep the receiver covered while I give this baby the opposing point of view.

Consider this, little man.

In the footage, you'll notice shadows from divergent sources.

[ Snickers ] This baby's already smart, Darnell.

He just turned around, so you're talkin' to his butt.

[ Earl Narrating ] That baby still had a chance to come out smart,

but it was too late for Randy,

who had just been outsmarted by a pair of handcuffs.

Oh, hey, Earl. These things close so fast.

Sit down, Randy. I think we need to have a little talk.

Okay.

I'm wonderin' if...

you wouldn't be happier workin', uh,

in someplace like the cafeteria.

No way.

Cafeteria guys don't get nightsticks or cool uniforms.

Where is your nightstick? Oh, I lost it.

I didn't lose it. I know which prisoner has it, but he won't give it back, so--

Come on, Randy. Workin' in the cafeteria, they'll let you use the big spoon.

That is a big spoon they got in there.

Wait. Do you think I'm a bad guard?

No. Not-Not bad, just... too trusting.

And I can't look after you in here like I can on the outside.

[ Laughs ] What are you talking about? I look after you.

Randy, that's ridiculous.

Is it? Who got you a new mattress when Hepatitis Bob had sex with yours?

If I hadn't have been here, you'd have whatever disease Hepatitis Bob has.

Face it, Randy, you only took this job...

'cause you couldn't exist out there without me.

Or maybe I knew you couldn't exist in here without me.

Or maybe you're gettin' defensive and sayin' everything I say back at me.

Or maybe you're just sayin' what I'm gonna say before I say it.

What? I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

Randy, the point is, you're not cut out for positions of authority.

I see what's happening here.

You can't handle me being in charge.

What? Yeah.

You've been bossin' me around so long,

you can't stand that I'm top dog.

[ Laughs ] Oh, really?

You think you're top dog? Huh.

Come here, top dog. Give it.

Give it! Come get it, top dog.

Give it! Randy, look.

It doesn't matter that you're a guard and I'm a prisoner,

'cause when it comes to us, I'm always gonna be in charge. Oh, yeah?

Code Pink.

[ Chuckling ]

You'll get your stuff back at the end of the day.

Now get out in the yard. It's time for mandatory volleyball.

Randy-- Randy!

Ra-- Randy! Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was trying to get ready for my Scared Straight presentation,

but me and Randy were still fighting over which one of us was in charge.

Not jail-- No pointers.

- [ Shards Clatter ] - Anyway, not jail--

No pointing.

[ Earl Narrating ] I was surprised to see Randy was stayin' so mad.

But I guess being the little brother,

these feelings had been building up inside him for years.

Randy, I told you. It's too weird.

We can't both have mustaches, and I had mine first.

[ Buzzing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] In fact, I was in charge for as long as either of us could remember.

[ Gurgling ]

Randy didn't just mess with my rehearsal time.

He also started messing with my meals.

[ Man ] * Searching for something to say *

Half portion.

Who's in charge now?

* Flashing lights against the sky *

Kosher meal.

* Giving up I close my eyes * Enjoy your Muslim food.

Regular meal.

* Sitting cross-legged on the floor *

Upside-down. * Twenty-five or six to four **

Damn it, Randy. You're actin' like--

Code Pink. [ Squeaky Voice ] No. No.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out me and Joy were both dealing with uncooperative babies.

And your great-great-great- great-great grandfather was sent to Asia...

by a tobacco company to get the Chinese hooked on smoking.

If you ever go there, little one, you'll see what a first-rate job he done.

Damn it, Ray-Ray, the baby can't see you.

You wanna show him pictures, let me induce.

Absolutely not. Inducing's not a part of our natural childbirth plan.

Your body will tell us when it's time.

My mouth speaks for my body, and it's sayin' it's go time.

My daddy always said, "Don't do business with family."

- I told you we should have gotten a written contract. - Good luck with that.

Before we were married, I asked for a prenuptial agreement,

and she burned all my stuff-- but then she did sign it.

We don't need a written contract.

Joy and I have a verbal agreement between sisters.

Look, I agreed to carry this baby for nine months.

So technically, our agreement expired two weeks ago.

Only reason I haven't cut this baby out myself...

is because a caesarean scar and my prom scar...

would make a weird little crucifix right above my landing strip.

Yo, man, I mean, things were going from worse to even worser.

Not only did the cops have my footprint from the casino vault,

but my carbon footprint was off the charts.

Great job, guys. We're leavin' in five minutes.

And Scooby, when you tell that story about dumping a body in the woods,

say you felt bad about litterin'.

I did. That was the only part I did feel bad about.

You can go back to your bunk now, Earl. You're not involved in the show anymore.

What? Your field trip privileges have been canceled.

I'm only takin' these three. I can do that 'cause I'm in charge.

Well, I'll talk to the warden. The warden's not here. We're leavin'.

Randy, you're gettin' way out of control.

You know what's getting way out of control? My Taser hand.

My Taser hand's way out of control. Randy, you know I hate Tasers.

Come on, guys. We're goin'. Right.

Frank-- Do me a favor.

My brother gets a little mixed up and--

Don't worry. I'll look after him. Hey, but, Earl.

About my performance-- Am I doing good, or am I pushing?

Yeah, it-- It's good. All right.

[ Man ] * I like to dream, yes * Carbon footprints.

[ Earl Narrating ] Frank didn't want to push, but Joy did.

She was trying everything she could to get that baby out.

* On a cloud of sound I drift in the night *

* Anyplace it goes is right *

* Goes far, flies near *

[ Earl Narrating ] 'Cause while she promised not to induce at the hospital,

she never promised not to try and induce at home.

* Why don't you tell your dreams to me *

* Fantasy will set you free *

* Close your eyes, girl Look inside, girl *

* Let the sound take you away **

[ Exhales ]

Get out, get out, get out, get out!

[ Children ] Bye! [ Together ] Bye!

Great show, guys.

I heard one kid say he'll never stab anyone or order Chilean sea bass.

They are dangerously overfished.

Hey, Bob, that was really something how you got the teacher's phone number,

even after telling that story about killing a teacher.

I dig chicks who wanna fix me.

You know what? You guys did such an awesome job,

- we're gonna stop for ice cream. - [ All ] Yeah!

All right! All right.

This is the last time I'll bring it up,

but frozen yogurt would be a lot healthier than ice cream.

Damn. There's no parking spots.

I don't wanna double park. If I get a ticket in this van, I'll get in big trouble.

We could run in for you.

Okay, I'm trustin' you.

I want half french vanilla, half rocky road.

Sprinkles-- not too many. Only rainbow color.

One scoop chopped nuts. Whipped cream. Don't screw me on this.

Yeah, but what about Frank? Just let him sleep. But get him something.

Nothin' too fancy. He hates snobs.

Get him a working man's flavor, like rum raisin. Mmm.

Or brown. Okay.

Baby, you've been squatting for five and a half hours.

That's, like, five hours longer than any human should squat.

That's it. I don't care what I promised.

We're going to the hospital and inducing right now. Get your keys.

[ Groans ]

I'm all cramped up.

I feel like B.J. and the Bear.

[ Woman On P.A., Indistinct ]

Whichever one of you pregnant bitches thinks you're goin' next, you are wrong.

I need to get some drugs to kick-start this delivery.

- Randy. - [ Gasps ] I forgot you were back there.

- Where is everyone? - Silly sleepyhead, did you forget? Ice cream.

- What? - Don't worry. They're gettin' you something.

No, no, no. Randy, you can't just let a couple of criminals...

go into an ice cream store.

It's like lettin' a bull loose in a Chinese shop.

That's nuts. How would you even get a bull into a store?

The door would have to be huge, and then, once he was in there, he'd just go crazy with--

Oh, crap.

[ Sighs ]

Can't believe you didn't trust us.

Although now that I think about it, that was a wasted opportunity.

I'm sorry, guys. I should have known better than to think one of you would try and run away.

Frank?

Frank?

An escaped convict and a parking ticket on a state vehicle?

Not the kind of thing that's gonna get me laid at home, fellas.

I-It's not my fault, sir.

Captain Jackass was in charge.

You actually took prisoners for ice cream?

Yes, sir.

But I got a receipt, so if I can just get my eight dollars back--

- Moron. - [ Snickers ]

I hold you both responsible for this mess.

Look, sir, I knew Frank on the outside.

Maybe I can help the troopers figure out where he's hidin'.

No, no, no! No troopers. No press.

And the governor can never hear about this.

[ Earl Narrating ] There was a good reason...

the warden didn't want the governor to find out.

She was also his wife. So you're trying Scared Straight again?

- Yes. - And this time you're going to the school?

- That's what I said. - With actual prisoners?

I know what I'm doing. I'm a grown man. [ Grunts ]

You like your job, fella? Yes.

Do you like your brother? Not at the moment, sir, no.

Too bad. You're both gonna go out there.

You're gonna find Frank, and you're gonna bring him back.

Fine. We'll do it.

Great. You got 46 hours.

And nobody better find out about it. Uh, sir--

Before we go, which one of us is in charge?

Would you two figure it out?

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Men ] * Freeze frame, freeze frame *

* Whoo! Now freeze **