Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Life as a prison guard was tough on Randy.

Good luck.

[ Earl Narrating ] Especially when it was time for him to turn off the TV.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry, everyone. Time's up.

[ All ] Boo!

Hey, guys, if you learn to follow the rules in here, like no TV after 8:00,

it'll be easier to follow the rules when you get out, like no murdering people.

[ Woman ] Rain on Thursday. 70% chance--

All right, who's got the knob?

I see it in your hand, Joey.

No, no, no, no, no!

Ha. I guess we get to watch TV all night. [ Chuckles ]

* Hoo, bad boys, bad boys *

* Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do when they come for you *

Oh, my God. Our other Cops is on. Earl! Earl!

Earl! Earl! Earl!

Welcome back to Camden. I'm Officer Stuart Daniels.

I'm in charge this week because the captain, my mom,

is fighting a difficult battle with the flesh-eating bacteria.

Lost her nose.

It's an important week.

It's our first Independence Day since the September 11, 9/11 attacks.

Raffle tickets! Sponsored by Bargain Bag!

Win a bus trip to Ground Zero!

See firsthand what Saddam Hussein did to our country.

Raffle tickets!

* America rocks *

Get your Bin Laden toilet paper!

Give Osama a dose of your morning shock and awe!

This is a new addition this year.

[ Synthesized Voice ]

Hey, Osama, I hope you're watching Cops.

Doesn't matter. That's just a guy in a mask.

The real one will be caught in a month.

Whoo! Jackie!

[ Static ]

Score one for the good guys.

I'm Officer Jeff Hoyne. I grew up here in Camden.

So did my twin brother and my twin sister.

He's in the appliance business, and she manages the Big Gal Shop at the mall.

I worry about them, because, uh, both locations could be high priorities for terrorists.

I mean, after all, what's more American than appliances and obese women?

[ Screaming ] Hold on.

- Hold on, now. - Officer, she's crazy! You gotta do somethin'!

- Ow! - You gotta do somethin'. Like provide for me.

I'm the queen, you are the worker bee.

Your job is to feed me, do me and die.

Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am! I don't blame you. [ Revving ]

But you have to put the weed whacker down.

Now who called 911?

- That's me. - What are you, Iraqian?

- I'm Sikh. - Well, I hope you feel better.

I feel fine. She destroyed my beautiful garden.

Hey, look, Joy. Cops is back.

* Bad boy, bad boy What's it gonna be *

* What's it gonna be when they be from me *

Cops? Oh, hey, Kevin!

What-- Ah, don't be scared.

I'm sorry I hit you with that brick last time you guys were in town.

Stop chasing me, Kevin! Come on, man, be cool!

I'm not messin' around, Kevin!

[ Groans ] You made me do it, Kevin!

Okay, somebody needs to tell me exactly what the problem is.

I'll tell you what the problem is.

I sent this doofus to the fair to find a way to make us some money,

and he ends up spendin' the only cash we have left on some stupid soccer-mom toaster.

I bought a patriotic sandwich maker 'cause I love America and hot sandwiches,

and she attacks me with a weed whacker.

It's the All-American Sandwich Press.

It burns an American flag into any food item.

"French toast? Not anymore."

It don't even make sandwiches. It just decorates 'em.

I mean, what's next? You gonna buy a dress for a watermelon?

- Joy, put the weed whacker down. - Oh, you want it down?

That low enough? Ahh!

I need you to take your lazy butt back to the fair and make me some money.

Sometimes it's best just to let these couples work these things out themselves.

You crazy ho! Oh, I'll show you a crazy hoe. I'll show you.

Without a weapon in her hand, he should be all right.

Ow! Ow! Who's the crazy ho now?

Joy! Joy! Put it down, Joy!

It's bad enough we have no customers today because it's the holiday...

and everybody's with their stupid families.

But then this drunk guy gets up and he kicks us off the stage.

* Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry *

* When I take you out in the surrey *

* When I take you out in the surrey *

* With the fringe on top *

Ooh. Oklahoma. What a treat.

Usually when Mr. Stack gets drunk and forces his way onto a stage,

he does My Fair Lady.

* Oh, the wheels are yellow The upholstery's brown * [ Man ] Ah, sit down!

* The dashboard's genuine leather *

* With eyes of glass-- **

Get off the stage, whore! This is my time!

Excuse me, Mr. Stack.

Take a bow, Mr. Stack. It's time to go. Gee, Laurey,

you're just in time for the dream ballet.

[ Booing ]

[ Clapping ]

I'm picking up a guy who won a ride along with a cop at a silent auction.

He must really want to see an end to leukemia, because he went crazy on the bidding.

Hi, Stuart. [ Chuckles ]

Oh, I see they're back. Yeah. Cops is doin' another episode. You ready?

Oh, yeah. Hold on.

- Nobody's leavin' the scene of this crime without a picture. - Dad.

Kenny never went to his prom, so this picture will take its place.

Mother. Ah, don't worry, Kenny.

Most guys who get shot down in high school turn out to be big studs. Or gay.

- Right, stud? - Say "book 'em."

- [ Both ] Book 'em! - Be careful out there!

Oddly enough, if you had a retainer and a dress, you'd look a lot like my prom date.

Oh. Be careful.

I might get you drunk and try to dry hump you later.

We're headin' over to the cotton candy booth.

- It's a hot spot for trouble. - Randy, calm down.

I can't see! It's in my eyes! How did this happen?

He was watchin' that man make cotton candy and got dizzy and fell in.

Well, lucky he's still alive. I think I heard one of the Kennedys died this way.

- Hey, buddy, calm down there! - He can't hear you. He's got cotton candy in his ears.

You gotta keep an eye out on these Hickey boys. The big one's an idiot.

The other one's got a wife who's always buggin' him to go out and steal stuff.

We got a manila folder on them down at the station.

Oh, no, no. Just stay still, big fella. Stay still. There you-- Oh!

Free cotton candy!

In law enforcement, we call cotton candy "the deadliest snack."

[ Laughing ]

Vultures.

[ Female Dispatcher ] Come in, 1-7.

We got a problem over at the Hang Onto A Hard Body Contest. Come on, Kenny, let's roll!

[ Chattering ]

Hey, hey. Quiet down. Quiet down.

Patty, this is supposed to be a contest to win a truck. Where is it?

Well, the car dealership backed out...

because last year the winner had been up for three days, fell asleep drivin' home...

and plowed through a marchin' band.

Anyway, since the money's goin' to the firemen, I donated my hard body.

Winner gets me for an hour. Full menu. But no asphyxiation!

The little guy's cheatin'. Why do I gotta be the little guy?

Why can't I be the guy with the red shirt? Fine.

The guy in the little red shirt's a cheater. He glued his hand to Patty.

- Hickey, aren't you married? - Yeah. I'm doin' this for my wife.

I'm gonna sell the hour with Patty, along with the giant teddy bear Randy won.

I hit the balloon guy in the eye with a dart.

He said he didn't care what prize I took.

Patty, are they allowed to use glue? What are the rules?

Rules? There are no rules. I was supposed to be a Jeep.

- Then I want glue too. - [ All ] Yeah. Yeah!

Fine. Have some glue.

- Hey, that's mine! - Hands off! Hands off!

- Son of a bitch! - All right, problem solved.

Good luck to the rest of you. You know what would be hilarious?

We should see how long we can keep our hands on each other. Kidding.

[ Bell Rings ] [ Man ] We got a winner!

This is the safest spot on the fairground, really.

It's where we keep all our important stuff. Fireworks.

And Homeland Security sent us all kinds of equipment to protect us against attack.

For example, this is a surface-to-surface urban combat transport vehicle.

You may know it as a scooter.

We got a call about someone bein' held in a bathroom.

My mother used to lock us in the john when one of my "uncles" came to visit.

Mom was a cheater. It affected my relationships with women. Don't trust 'em at all.

Here we are.

Thanks for coming.

My grandmom's having a little dustup with my girlfriend on account of her bein' married.

Oh, it's Cops. Dang. [ Joy ] Let me outta here, you great old bat!

[ Woman ] Repent, child of Lucifer!

I can't reason with her when she has a hot iron in her hand and Jesus in her ear.

I said repent, you cheatin' white bitch!

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to let the cheatin' white bitch out of the bathroom.

- Who the hell is that? Ahh! - Burn, harlot!

[ Joy ] You burned my new eyelashes!

Ma'am, give me the curling iron.

- Oh, I'll give you the curling iron. - Ahh! Ohh! Damn!

[ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

[ Jeff ] We got a runner! [ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

My grandmoms was in the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

Man, Hitler hated her.

[ Scoffs ] I hate her too, crazy old bat. Thinks I'm cheatin'.

I just came here to buy a nickel bag for my sweet husband.

You know, to celebrate the Fourth of July. She means a bag of nickels.

[ Grunts ]

So the hostage was freed.

I burned my face a little.

[ Sighs ] I chased the perp for a while, but she was quick.

You know, my father had a saying that I never understood until now.

"Never get in a footrace with an old black lady."

Ow.

We're responding to a child endangerment call. Probably an underage dancer.

Unfortunately, sometimes runaways end up in seedy places like this.

Ma'am, will you and your baby step off the stage?

Officer, it's not mine. I'm babysitting.

Take it off! Take the baby off!

[ Siren Blaring ]

Whoa!

We got a call that a lamb was taken from the petting zoo.

That means they're down to a German Shepherd and those worms.

We spotted two characters who appear to be walking some blankets.

Crap. It's Earl again.

If you shoot him, I'll lie and say he lunged for your weapon and would have killed us all.

I appreciate that. You make a good cop, Ken.

- [ Earl ] Come on, I.Q. Ball. - Igba.

Whatever. Look, my wife's gonna kill me if I don't come home with some money.

You can eat it, ride it, hump it, I don't care. Twenty bucks, it's yours.

Earl. Earl.

Hello, Officer. Happy Fourth of July, don't you agree?

You guys didn't happen to see a lamb around here, did you? Nope.

[ Bleating ]

What's this?

It's my dog. A sheep dog. [ Bleating ]

Uh, most of it's on the sheep side. Mm-hmm.

Shoot him! Shoot to kill! Ken, when I get all revved up,

you can't encourage me to shoot, because in the heat of the moment, the gun could--

[ Gunshot ] [ Bleats ]

Move along! Everything's fine.

I had to put down a rabid lamb.

It was rabid. Can I have it?

Take it. Take it fast.

[ Male Dispatcher, Indistinct ]

I was in New York on September 11.

Not 2001. It was '82 or '83.

High school class field trip. But still, pretty eerie.

Hey, check that out.

[ Earl ] Yeah, Randy! Whoo-hoo! Yeah.

Speed it up! [ Bobbi ] Hey, guys.

Lookin' good!

It's nice to see someone else who cares about the environment.

Keep it green!

We're responding to a 10-66. That's a domestic intruder.

I came home, and there were two men in my trailer!

Two of them and three of us?

I don't like those numbers.

Freeze! Freeze!

It's okay. We're Americans.

Give me a break, man.

I come back from the fair with apparently not enough money and the wife locks me out my house.

I pee out here all the time, but I'm not gonna poop. Our kids play in this yard.

You're allowed to use the bathroom in other people's trailers.

You need to cool it, Magic Genie!

Hey, Joy, come out and tell his guy you locked me out of the house!

Joy?

You're not really gonna arrest me, are you? I-I'm the victim here.

Don't you think havin' a crazy wife...

who locks you out of the house for no reason is punishment enough?

Sometimes she just seems to hate guys, you know? Women.

You married? Not anymore.

Lucky you. She passed away.

Sweet. No alimony.

I'm droppin' these guys off at the fair.

I probably should arrest them, but, uh, it's the Fourth of July,

and, uh, they seem like pretty nice guys.

Guys, guys. I had a Hep-C tranny back there. You don't want to touch that glass.

Okay, so we are looking for the parents...

of this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, eight-year-old boy. Anybody?

Yeah. I'll take him. I'll take him.

There you go. You guys work that out.

Okay, I'd like to introduce Officer Stuart Daniels,

who is going to give us a demonstration on our new anti-terrorism equipment.

- Hello, residents of Camden. - [ Feedback ]

Oh, sorry. I'm not used to speaking to the public, just arresting them.

[ Laughs ]

We have a great two-hour show for you.

We are going to bring out over $50,000 worth of high-tech surveillance equipment.

It was supposed to go to Camden, New Jersey, but it came here.

And in the post 9/11 America, it's every town for itself!

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

We have thermal cameras! We have helmet cameras!

We have this digital fiberscope...

which bends so you can find contraband that's hidden in the walls and such.

Back at the station, we found, like, five ping-pong balls out from under the soda machine.

Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you.

All right. Well, to start this demonstration, we're gonna have some T-shirts!

- [ Cheering ] - Who wants a free T-shirt?

- [ Cheering Louder ] - [ Man ] Over here!

Oh, crap. I had it set on "stadium."

[ Women Shouting ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What is the problem here, ladies?

The problem is, Officer, that this perra stole my regular.

All right, all right. Let's hear Perra's side of the story.

He's my regular now. You weren't around. A man's got needs.

And I got everything he needs right here, okay?

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, what's your side of the story, sir?

I don't know why they're fighting. They have both sat on my lap.

They are both now my wives.

Just because a girl sits on your lap doesn't mean you're married to her.

You shouldn't even be sitting on a man's lap. You'll break his legs.

I'm calling you fat.

Oh, now, you should not have explained that.

Wives! Wives! I have enough seed for the both of you.

The skinny one, I will lay with you for pleasure. The thick one, you will birth my sons.

See? He called you "thick."

- Oh, you are-- - [ Shouting, Indistinct ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on. Let's see where this goes.

[ Man On P.A. ] Gentlemen, there is a catfight at the pool table.

It's gone. $50,000 worth of equipment, gone.

We're screwed. We are so screwed.

I should've bought into that Quiznos franchise. It's okay.

We can handle it, all right? What did that guy at the, uh, Marriott say?

Stop. Assess. Visualize.

Wait, where are the fireworks? They took the fireworks.

The bastards stole our Fourth of July!

This is crazy. Who would want high-tech cameras and fireworks?

Fireworks that could be turned into explosives. I think we know who.

Hey, white powder. Check it out. That could be anthrax.

That looks like part of a funnel cake.

They're puttin' anthrax on funnel cakes? Oh, God, I can't breath.

I ate, like, four of those today! My fingertips are goin' numb!

Nothing's comin'!

I have an announcement to make. First, my brother's here with his kids.

Billy, take your kids and get the hell out of here as fast as you can!

Leave Grandma. She's had a long life. Go! Go! Go!

Hold it together, Hoyne. Okay, now, there's nothin' to be worried about.

We may, and I stress may have had a breach of security...

that could lead to a possible little bitty, tiny--

Terrorist attack that could rival 9/11!

[ All Screaming ]

* Aah *

- [ Jeff ] To the bunker! - [ Grunts ]

[ Man ] Just leave her!

Terrorists! Hop for your lives!

My mom's gonna kill me.

[ Female Dispatcher ] 2091073 King-John-Bravo. No wants or warrants.

We've had a breach of security. Cameras and fireworks were stolen by terrorists.

And as soon as we figure out how to put together this torturing device and find them,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

[ Electricity Crackles ] Oh, son of a bitch!

Tensions are high.

I got the camera on, but I can't see anything.

[ Earl ] You got it backwards. Oh, right.

I think the camera on mine's workin'.

This is sweet stuff, Randy. We're gonna make a fortune when we sell it.

I wonder what this button does. [ Button Clicks ]

Whoa! It turns everything into a Fruit Roll-Up.

Let me see.

Cool! I think it sees heat.

Here. Move my cigarette around.

Sweet. It's like a ghost dot.

I'm a ghost dot. Whoo.

I'm floatin' around. Whoo.

Earl, I'm scared.

[ Bird Screeches ]

Well, they stole our Fourth of July.

Look at this place. Totally deserted.

This was the heart of our town.

It's like the terrorists kneed us in the nuts. The nuts of our heart.

The worst part is that they took our fireworks.

God knows what they'll do with them.

I already lived through one explosion. I can't do it again.

* She lost her leg *

Am I scared? Hell, yes, I'm scared.

And a little surprised.

I always thought I'd die at the hands of a team of J.V. football players.

It really makes you think about what's important in your life.

I should start callin' my mama more.

And I am definitely gonna keep my next baby.

Mm-hmm.

[ Sighs ] [ Grunts ]

I remember my first terrorist attack.

I was six years old, and I hijacked a school bus filled with children of diplomats.

I was angry because they got to eat peanut butter and jelly for lunch,

while we only had mud and jelly.

It looks the same, but it tastes completely different.

The next day, they took away our jelly, and we only had the mud.

There are no winners in terrorism.

[ Bell Dings ]

I read the manual on how to profile possible terrorists, but it was really confusing.

So I got this at the hardware store.

I'm questioning anybody that falls between Swiss Almond and Coconut Husk.

Nah, he's all right.

Stay out of the sun, fella!

You're on the bubble!

They took our fireworks? My husband loves those fireworks.

Now what's he gonna be doin' between 8:00 and 10:00 tonight?

They can't just do that. People have made plans!

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl ] Randy, hurry. Get in there! Get down!

This will be hilarious. We're outside the diner.

When they take the trash out, Randy's gonna jump out and scare the crap out of them.

The best part is, he's got a camera on his helmet...

so we can see their stupid faces when they scream. [ Laughs ]

[ Earl ] Holy Moses!

Earl! Earl! Earl!

Yeah, Randy! Hang on, buddy! Earl!

- Earl! Earl! - I'm gettin' it. I got it.

- Earl, help me, help me! - Yeah!

[ Screams ]

People are freaked, and they should be.

Everybody in this city could be dead before sundown.

Still, the charity ride-along had a coupon for lunch.

This wine isn't wine.

I think it's beer with Kool-Aid in it.

I saw the guy roll his eyes when you ordered merlot.

I'm pretty sure he spit in it.

You get used to it. That kind of thing happens to cops a lot.

It's the real reason we eat so many doughnuts.

Hard to hide a loogie on a doughnut.

You know, if you'd rather, I could just make us dinner. Tonight.

- Or Friday night. - No, no. You paid top-dollar for this.

You shouldn't have to cook.

I make a great risotto.

* I saw her headin' to the table *

* Well, a tall walkin'-- *

I feel 87% sure it wasn't terrorists that stole those fireworks.

Nonetheless, I'm happy for the public misconception.

All this misguided anti-Arab hysteria...

significantly reduces my likelihood of being victimized by random police brutality.

I feel bad for Hispanics, though.

* Get it on Get it on **

A lot of people think we've been living in a terror-free America until now.

That's not true. I've been terrorized my whole life.

When I was 10, my father forced me to play catch for a whole hour without stopping.

And my mom didn't care.

She was too busy not using the potholders I made her.

Another disturbance at Pimmett Hills. Third one today.

I keep saying we should just wall it off and let them police themselves, but no one listens.

[ Male Dispatcher ] Roger, 1-3 go ahead. Come out, you pervert!

Come on! All right, guys, what's the problem?

He thinks just 'cause I used his bathroom, he can peep on me and my wife...

havin' a romantic hump.

[ Earl ] Baby, you're not gonna believe what we scored at the fair.

Our kids are never gonna have to steal a day in their lives.

- What's goin' on in here? - Nothin'.

[ Randy ] Hey, who got the new shirt?

"Danger - educated black man."

I bought that for Earl Junior.

Thought we could give it to him if he finishes high school.

- Oh, I know what's goin' on. - You do?

You're settin' up a little afternoon delight for mommy and daddy.

Feelin' hot for the provider.

Well, let's see how hot, little lady.

[ Laughs ] You're on fire.

Guess we don't have to waste any time kissin'.

Randy, if you're gonna be in the room, you have to face the wall.

[ Randy ] I know the rule. [ Earl ] Let's get this party started, Joy.

Oh, God.

Damn it, Randy, no peepin'!

[ Glass Shatters ]

What the hell was that? I heard it too.

Randy, I think someone's in the back of the trailer. Let's go.

Yeah, I know it's him. I saw him runnin' away from my trailer.

Why would I spy on her? Look at how she dresses.

I can see her elbows any time I want.

Dude, if you like elbows, boobies are gonna blow your mind.

Hey, where did you get that helmet?

Huh? I'd like an attorney, please.

- Nobody move. - [ Randy ] I want an attorney!

Crap! Send all units! [ Gunshot ]

* Bad boys, bad boys Whatcha gonna do * Officer down!

Not shot, uh, just fell.

* Bad boys, bad boys * Officer up.

* Whatcha gonna do when they come for you **

[ Female Dispatcher ] Go ahead, 1-12.

[ Male Dispatcher ] 1-12, stand by.

We saw the suspects enter this trailer. We're gonna go in on three.

Hey, you know what? Let's go in on two. More of a surprise.

Cool. I'll use my hand as a gun.

You know what? Let's keep it at three. Standard procedure.

Okay, one, two--

It's locked.

Freeze!

- Hey, Kevin. Did you knock? - [ Stuart ] Freeze!

I'll get the bleached-blonde hussy!

Psst! Psst!

[ Randy ] Hey, Darnell. Why are you naked?

I'm a free spirit. Look, we gotta get out of here.

How? There's cops everywhere. Follow me.

I've had a lot of practice sneakin' in and out of the trailer park.

Stay close. But not too close, remembering that I'm naked and whatnot.

[ Siren Blaring In Distance ]

I'm on my way to the trailer park to help nab some terrorists.

Technically, I should pull myself over, 'cause I'm drivin' with an open container.

An open container of whup ass.

- [ Panting ] - [ Clunk ]

Thank you, sir. I got it from here.

Ahh! Ahh! Hey! Somebody help me!

Ahh. Dear, Mom.

Today... I... called... the wrong... girl... a hussy.

[ Siren Stops ] Terrorist!

Well, looks like the bad guys have been apprehended.

These cops are amazing, the way they're so in control. Ow!

Yeah, maybe later, we'll all relax a little and go to a strip club.

Look at some female breasts. You know, pound some shots, maybe do some apple martinis.

And then race for pink slips, like Danny Zuko in Grease. [ Chuckles ]

No. Lift.

No. You gotta release it.

I haven't seen a country this broken since Vietnam.

My son and I passed through there on a sex tour in the late '80s.

The Vietnamese are a beautiful and flexible people.

Hey, can one of you guys give me a ride home? I drove my car into a quarry.

We're gonna take the terrorists into the tent for a little bit of questioning.

In the old days, we'd just book him and read him his rights,

but it's a 9/12 world. Ahh!

Terrorist got a boo-boo? [ Joy ] Hey!

Hey, I'm innocent! I don't want to go down with him!

Hey, can I plea bargain? I know who kidnapped the mayor's daughter!

I swear, I'm not a terrorist! I'm American!

I-I drive a Chevy!

We know you're hiding the truth somewhere deep inside you.

And this little camera is gonna help us find it.

[ Gasps ]

All right, I did it! I'm a terrorist! Get it out of me!

The suspect caved almost immediately.

You know, sometimes police work is challenging.

Sometimes it's rewarding.

Sometimes it's just gross.

They beat a confession out of you already?

More like into me.

Oh, snap.

Well, now you know why I confessed all that stuff on our anniversary.

Mom, we caught the terrorist.

Yeah, I know you don't have a lot of weekday minutes left. Whoo-hoo!

I'm gonna have to call you back. No, nothing bad happened. [ Siren Blaring ]

My girlfriend's on the other line.

Maybe I do have a girlfriend!

Mom, why can't things be easier between us?

[ Female Dispatcher ] 10-22, auto at 2306 South--

I saw a cop car with keys, and I had to steal it.

It's like when a horse puts on a saddle, it wants you to ride him.

All I did was run from a cop today. I wasn't even in that much trouble.

Well, actually I also told 'em you were plannin' to blow up the Camden Shoe Pavilion.

What? That's crazy. I love that place.

That's where I get all my irregular jellies.

Torture hurts, Joy. I also told 'em my mom shot Abe Lincoln.

You betrayed me. Just remember this moment, if you ever find out I betrayed you.

I haven't, but now I can.

Look, I'll make it up to you. We'll-We'll go to Canada and start a new life.

You love Michael J. Fox. He's from there.

[ Gasps ] M.J.F. is from Canada?

Oh, that's right. You're the one who loves him.

Fine. I guess Canada's not that bad.

Their beer has twice the amount of alcohol ours does.

Plus, you know they're laid-back. I mean, they got a pot leaf right on their flag.

Pot flags? We're goin' to Canada!

Hey, Canada. That sounds like a super idea.

Listen, can you guys drop me off at the next block?

We can't now, Kevin. You heard us talkin' about Canada.

You should have spoken up before we made our plan.

Yeah, man. Use your head.

Our squad cars get stolen pretty frequently, so now they all have LoJack.

Plus, they breakdown every 30 to 40 miles, so I don't expect the culprits to get far.

- What in the world? - Oh, this is odd.

* Oh, beautiful for empty fairs *

* Gee, Jihads make me sad *

That's the heart of our town right there, and that heart is broken.

Be careful out there, Mr. Stack. There's a lot of idiots on the road today.

Okay, Mom. [ Jeff ] He's clearly drunk.

But bumper cars are made for crashin'.

Besides, I don't want to alienate the guy. He's in the Camden tourist brochure.

There's a nice picture of him on the antique train.

[ Dog Barks ] [ Grunts ]

It's kind of funny how you keep gettin' kidnapped by us, Kevin.

Maybe you should look inside yourself and see what you keep doin' wrong.

Listen, when we get to Canada, I'll call 'em and tell where we hid the car.

And I'm still pretty sure I can talk Randy out of ditchin' it in the lake.

- Lake! Lake! Lake! Lake! - Well, you do make a good point.

[ Radio Dispatcher, Indistinct ]

[ Siren Blares ]

Freeze! I will shoot you this time!

* The terrorists have won again *

* The score is orange to none *

* America, America *

* I should have hosted Family Feud *

* Oh *

* Beautiful for spacious skies *

* For amber waves of grain *

* For purple mountain majesty *

[ All ] * Above the fruity plain *

Man, the Chinese make a nice firework.

Their food's really good too.

It's beautiful.

I only have one testicle.

Ew, gross!

* I have all the parts of my body *

[ Patty ] Look at that.

Oh, this is the greatest country to live in...

and sell your body to strangers in the world.

Amen.

All right, I can do this. Stay calm.

There's gotta be something in here I can use to escape.

[ Fireworks Exploding ]

Well, what's this? Road flare?

[ Screaming ]

Quite a sight, isn't it?

[ Both ] Yeah.

All right, watch your heads. [ Groans ]

[ Kevin ] Help! Help! Wait! Wait, I-- Help!

Hi.

Well, we did it. We won.

Camden's back, the fair's back,

the spirit of independence is back.

* America rocks *

* America rocks *

* America rocks * Yeah, it's a great Fourth of July.

I guess we got a little carried away, though.

But nobody ever saved any lives by not getting carried away.

That Hickey character agreed not to sue us for torturing him...

if we dropped all the charges against him.

So all in all, a good day.

Terrorists one, cops one.

Tie score. Your move, terrorists.

Thanks, Kenny.

You know, I know cops aren't supposed to show emotion, but damn it, this town,

I'm so proud.

The heroes are them.

Stuart, do you ever feel so American...

that you just want to be American with another American male?

I think I see what you're gettin' at here, Kenny.

And believe me, I've thought about it.

You're a very attractive man.

But I'm Catholic. It's a no-go.

* Bad boys, bad boys *

* Whatcha gonna do Whatcha gonna do when they come for you *

[ Earl Narrating ] After that, the prisoners treated Randy differently.

In fact, they started treatin' him like one of their own.

Hey, Randy, it's cool that you're famous. I'm famous too.

I won the $350 million Mega Ball.

Then I shot my dad. That was stupid.

Oh, yeah. You were on the news. The million dollar moron.

Multi-million dollar moron. But, yeah, that was me.

So you actually know Tim Stack? Uh-huh.

Wow. He's funny.

I'd like to kidnap him and spend some time with him.

Then maybe set him on fire.

Yeah. He would be funny on fire.

* Tim Stack, Tim Stack Set him on fire *

* Set him on fire Watch him burn to death *

* Tim Stack, Tim Stack Set him on fire *

* Set him on fire Watch him burn to death *

* Tim Stack, Tim Stack Set him on fire **