All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E06.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Life as a prison guard
was tough on Randy.

Good luck.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Especially when it was time
for him to turn off the TV.

[ Laughs ]

Sorry, everyone.
Time's up.

[ All ]
Boo!

Hey, guys, if you learn
to follow the rules in here,
like no TV after 8:00,

it'll be easier to follow
the rules when you get out,
like no murdering people.

[ Woman ]
Rain on Thursday. 70% chance--

All right,
who's got the knob?

I see it
in your hand, Joey.

No, no, no, no, no!

Ha. I guess we get to
watch TV all night.
[ Chuckles ]

* Hoo, bad boys, bad boys *

* Whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you *

Oh, my God.
Our other Cops is on.
Earl! Earl!

Earl! Earl! Earl!

Welcome back to Camden.
I'm Officer Stuart Daniels.

I'm in charge this week
because the captain, my mom,

is fighting
a difficult battle with
the flesh-eating bacteria.

Lost her nose.

It's an important week.

It's our first Independence Day
since the September 11,
9/11 attacks.

Raffle tickets!
Sponsored by Bargain Bag!

Win a bus trip
to Ground Zero!

See firsthand
what Saddam Hussein
did to our country.

Raffle tickets!

* America rocks *

Get your Bin Laden
toilet paper!

Give Osama a dose of
your morning shock and awe!

This is a new addition
this year.

[ Synthesized Voice ]

Hey, Osama, I hope
you're watching Cops.

Doesn't matter.
That's just a guy in a mask.

The real one will be
caught in a month.

Whoo!
Jackie!

[ Static ]

Score one for the good guys.

I'm Officer Jeff Hoyne.
I grew up here in Camden.

So did my twin brother
and my twin sister.

He's in the appliance business,
and she manages the Big Gal Shop
at the mall.

I worry about them, because,
uh, both locations could be
high priorities for terrorists.

I mean, after all, what's
more American than appliances
and obese women?

[ Screaming ]
Hold on.

- Hold on, now.
- Officer, she's crazy!
You gotta do somethin'!

- Ow!
- You gotta do somethin'.
Like provide for me.

I'm the queen,
you are the worker bee.

Your job is to feed me,
do me and die.

Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am!
I don't blame you.
[ Revving ]

But you have to put
the weed whacker down.

Now who called 911?

- That's me.
- What are you, Iraqian?

- I'm Sikh.
- Well, I hope you feel better.

I feel fine. She destroyed
my beautiful garden.

Hey, look, Joy.
Cops is back.

* Bad boy, bad boy
What's it gonna be *

* What's it gonna be
when they be from me *

Cops?
Oh, hey, Kevin!

What--
Ah, don't be scared.

I'm sorry I hit you
with that brick last time
you guys were in town.

Stop chasing me, Kevin!
Come on, man, be cool!

I'm not messin'
around, Kevin!

[ Groans ]
You made me do it, Kevin!

Okay, somebody needs to tell
me exactly what the problem is.

I'll tell you
what the problem is.

I sent this doofus
to the fair to find a way
to make us some money,

and he ends up spendin'
the only cash we have left on
some stupid soccer-mom toaster.

I bought a patriotic sandwich
maker 'cause I love America
and hot sandwiches,

and she attacks me
with a weed whacker.

It's the All-American
Sandwich Press.

It burns an American flag
into any food item.

"French toast?
Not anymore."

It don't even
make sandwiches.
It just decorates 'em.

I mean, what's next?
You gonna buy a dress
for a watermelon?

- Joy, put
the weed whacker down.
- Oh, you want it down?

That low enough?
Ahh!

I need you to take your
lazy butt back to the fair
and make me some money.

Sometimes it's best just to
let these couples work these
things out themselves.

You crazy ho!
Oh, I'll show you
a crazy hoe. I'll show you.

Without a weapon in her hand,
he should be all right.

Ow! Ow!
Who's the crazy ho now?

Joy! Joy!
Put it down, Joy!

It's bad enough
we have no customers today
because it's the holiday...

and everybody's with
their stupid families.

But then this drunk guy gets up
and he kicks us off the stage.

* Chicks and ducks and geese
better scurry *

* When I take you
out in the surrey *

* When I take you
out in the surrey *

* With the fringe on top *

Ooh. Oklahoma.
What a treat.

Usually when Mr. Stack
gets drunk and forces
his way onto a stage,

he does My Fair Lady.

* Oh, the wheels are yellow
The upholstery's brown *
[ Man ] Ah, sit down!

* The dashboard's
genuine leather *

* With eyes of glass-- **

Get off the stage, whore!
This is my time!

Excuse me, Mr. Stack.

Take a bow, Mr. Stack.
It's time to go.
Gee, Laurey,

you're just in time
for the dream ballet.

[ Booing ]

[ Clapping ]

I'm picking up a guy who
won a ride along with a cop
at a silent auction.

He must really want to see
an end to leukemia, because
he went crazy on the bidding.

Hi, Stuart.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I see they're back.
Yeah. Cops is doin'
another episode. You ready?

Oh, yeah.
Hold on.

- Nobody's leavin' the scene of
this crime without a picture.
- Dad.

Kenny never went to his prom,
so this picture will
take its place.

Mother.
Ah, don't worry, Kenny.

Most guys who get shot down
in high school turn out
to be big studs. Or gay.

- Right, stud?
- Say "book 'em."

- [ Both ] Book 'em!
- Be careful out there!

Oddly enough, if you had
a retainer and a dress, you'd
look a lot like my prom date.

Oh.
Be careful.

I might get you drunk
and try to dry hump you later.

We're headin' over
to the cotton candy booth.

- It's a hot spot for trouble.
- Randy, calm down.

I can't see!
It's in my eyes!
How did this happen?

He was watchin'
that man make cotton candy
and got dizzy and fell in.

Well, lucky he's still alive.
I think I heard one of
the Kennedys died this way.

- Hey, buddy, calm down there!
- He can't hear you. He's got
cotton candy in his ears.

You gotta keep an eye out
on these Hickey boys.
The big one's an idiot.

The other one's got a wife
who's always buggin' him
to go out and steal stuff.

We got a manila folder on them
down at the station.

Oh, no, no.
Just stay still, big fella.
Stay still. There you-- Oh!

Free cotton candy!

In law enforcement,
we call cotton candy
"the deadliest snack."

[ Laughing ]

Vultures.

[ Female Dispatcher ]
Come in, 1-7.

We got a problem over at the
Hang Onto A Hard Body Contest.
Come on, Kenny, let's roll!

[ Chattering ]

Hey, hey.
Quiet down. Quiet down.

Patty, this is supposed to be
a contest to win a truck.
Where is it?

Well, the car dealership
backed out...

because last year the winner
had been up for three days,
fell asleep drivin' home...

and plowed through
a marchin' band.

Anyway, since the money's
goin' to the firemen,
I donated my hard body.

Winner gets me for an hour.
Full menu.
But no asphyxiation!

The little guy's cheatin'.
Why do I gotta be
the little guy?

Why can't I be the guy
with the red shirt?
Fine.

The guy in the little
red shirt's a cheater.
He glued his hand to Patty.

- Hickey, aren't you married?
- Yeah. I'm doin' this
for my wife.

I'm gonna sell the hour
with Patty, along with
the giant teddy bear Randy won.

I hit the balloon guy
in the eye with a dart.

He said he didn't care
what prize I took.

Patty, are they
allowed to use glue?
What are the rules?

Rules? There are no rules.
I was supposed to be a Jeep.

- Then I want glue too.
- [ All ] Yeah. Yeah!

Fine.
Have some glue.

- Hey, that's mine!
- Hands off! Hands off!

- Son of a bitch!
- All right, problem solved.

Good luck to the rest of you.
You know what
would be hilarious?

We should see how long we can
keep our hands on each other.
Kidding.

[ Bell Rings ]
[ Man ]
We got a winner!

This is the safest spot
on the fairground, really.

It's where we keep
all our important stuff.
Fireworks.

And Homeland Security sent us
all kinds of equipment to
protect us against attack.

For example,
this is a surface-to-surface
urban combat transport vehicle.

You may know it as a scooter.

We got a call about someone
bein' held in a bathroom.

My mother used to lock us
in the john when one of
my "uncles" came to visit.

Mom was a cheater. It affected
my relationships with women.
Don't trust 'em at all.

Here we are.

Thanks for coming.

My grandmom's having a little
dustup with my girlfriend on
account of her bein' married.

Oh, it's Cops. Dang.
[ Joy ] Let me outta here,
you great old bat!

[ Woman ]
Repent, child of Lucifer!

I can't reason with her when
she has a hot iron in her hand
and Jesus in her ear.

I said repent,
you cheatin' white bitch!

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to
ask you to let the cheatin'
white bitch out of the bathroom.

- Who the hell is that? Ahh!
- Burn, harlot!

[ Joy ]
You burned my new eyelashes!

Ma'am, give me the curling iron.

- Oh, I'll give you
the curling iron.
- Ahh! Ohh! Damn!

[ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

[ Jeff ]
We got a runner!
[ Radio Chatter, Indistinct ]

My grandmoms was in
the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

Man, Hitler hated her.

[ Scoffs ]
I hate her too, crazy old bat.
Thinks I'm cheatin'.

I just came here
to buy a nickel bag
for my sweet husband.

You know, to celebrate
the Fourth of July.
She means a bag of nickels.

[ Grunts ]

So the hostage was freed.

I burned my face a little.

[ Sighs ]
I chased the perp for a while,
but she was quick.

You know, my father had a saying
that I never understood
until now.

"Never get in a footrace
with an old black lady."

Ow.

We're responding to
a child endangerment call.
Probably an underage dancer.

Unfortunately,
sometimes runaways end up
in seedy places like this.

Ma'am, will you and your baby
step off the stage?

Officer, it's not mine.
I'm babysitting.

Take it off!
Take the baby off!

[ Siren Blaring ]

Whoa!

We got a call that a lamb
was taken from the petting zoo.

That means they're down
to a German Shepherd
and those worms.

We spotted two characters
who appear to be walking
some blankets.

Crap. It's Earl again.

If you shoot him, I'll lie and
say he lunged for your weapon
and would have killed us all.

I appreciate that.
You make a good cop, Ken.

- [ Earl ]
Come on, I.Q. Ball.
- Igba.

Whatever. Look, my wife's gonna
kill me if I don't come home
with some money.

You can eat it, ride it,
hump it, I don't care.
Twenty bucks, it's yours.

Earl. Earl.

Hello, Officer.
Happy Fourth of July,
don't you agree?

You guys didn't happen to see
a lamb around here, did you?
Nope.

[ Bleating ]

What's this?

It's my dog.
A sheep dog.
[ Bleating ]

Uh, most of it's
on the sheep side.
Mm-hmm.

Shoot him!
Shoot to kill!
Ken, when I get all revved up,

you can't encourage me to shoot,
because in the heat of
the moment, the gun could--

[ Gunshot ]
[ Bleats ]

Move along!
Everything's fine.

I had to put down
a rabid lamb.

It was rabid.
Can I have it?

Take it.
Take it fast.

[ Male Dispatcher, Indistinct ]

I was in New York
on September 11.

Not 2001.
It was '82 or '83.

High school class field trip.
But still, pretty eerie.

Hey, check that out.

[ Earl ]
Yeah, Randy! Whoo-hoo!
Yeah.

Speed it up!
[ Bobbi ]
Hey, guys.

Lookin' good!

It's nice to see someone else
who cares about the environment.

Keep it green!

We're responding to a 10-66.
That's a domestic intruder.

I came home, and there
were two men in my trailer!

Two of them and three of us?

I don't like those numbers.

Freeze! Freeze!

It's okay.
We're Americans.

Give me a break, man.

I come back from the fair with
apparently not enough money and
the wife locks me out my house.

I pee out here all the time,
but I'm not gonna poop.
Our kids play in this yard.

You're allowed
to use the bathroom
in other people's trailers.

You need to cool it,
Magic Genie!

Hey, Joy,
come out and tell his guy
you locked me out of the house!

Joy?

You're not really
gonna arrest me, are you?
I-I'm the victim here.

Don't you think
havin' a crazy wife...

who locks you out of
the house for no reason
is punishment enough?

Sometimes she just seems
to hate guys, you know?
Women.

You married?
Not anymore.

Lucky you.
She passed away.

Sweet.
No alimony.

I'm droppin' these guys
off at the fair.

I probably should
arrest them, but, uh,
it's the Fourth of July,

and, uh, they seem
like pretty nice guys.

Guys, guys. I had
a Hep-C tranny back there. You
don't want to touch that glass.

Okay, so we are looking
for the parents...

of this little blonde-haired,
blue-eyed, eight-year-old boy.
Anybody?

Yeah.
I'll take him.
I'll take him.

There you go.
You guys work that out.

Okay, I'd like to introduce
Officer Stuart Daniels,

who is going to give us
a demonstration on our new
anti-terrorism equipment.

- Hello, residents of Camden.
- [ Feedback ]

Oh, sorry.
I'm not used to speaking to
the public, just arresting them.

[ Laughs ]

We have a great
two-hour show for you.

We are going to bring out
over $50,000 worth of high-tech
surveillance equipment.

It was supposed to go
to Camden, New Jersey,
but it came here.

And in the post 9/11 America,
it's every town for itself!

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

We have thermal cameras!
We have helmet cameras!

We have this
digital fiberscope...

which bends so you can find
contraband that's hidden
in the walls and such.

Back at the station, we found,
like, five ping-pong balls out
from under the soda machine.

Yeah. Well, thank you.
Thank you.

All right. Well,
to start this demonstration,
we're gonna have some T-shirts!

- [ Cheering ]
- Who wants a free T-shirt?

- [ Cheering Louder ]
- [ Man ] Over here!

Oh, crap.
I had it set on "stadium."

[ Women Shouting ]

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

What is the problem here,
ladies?

The problem is, Officer, that
this perra stole my regular.

All right, all right.
Let's hear Perra's
side of the story.

He's my regular now.
You weren't around.
A man's got needs.

And I got everything he needs
right here, okay?

[ Clears Throat ]
Uh, what's your side
of the story, sir?

I don't know
why they're fighting.
They have both sat on my lap.

They are both now my wives.

Just because a girl sits
on your lap doesn't mean
you're married to her.

You shouldn't even be
sitting on a man's lap.
You'll break his legs.

I'm calling you fat.

Oh, now, you should not
have explained that.

Wives! Wives!
I have enough seed
for the both of you.

The skinny one, I will lay with
you for pleasure. The thick one,
you will birth my sons.

See?
He called you "thick."

- Oh, you are--
- [ Shouting, Indistinct ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on.
Let's see where this goes.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Gentlemen, there is a catfight
at the pool table.

It's gone. $50,000
worth of equipment, gone.

We're screwed.
We are so screwed.

I should've bought into
that Quiznos franchise.
It's okay.

We can handle it, all right?
What did that guy at the,
uh, Marriott say?

Stop. Assess. Visualize.

Wait, where are the fireworks?
They took the fireworks.

The bastards stole
our Fourth of July!

This is crazy.
Who would want high-tech
cameras and fireworks?

Fireworks that could be
turned into explosives.
I think we know who.

Hey, white powder.
Check it out.
That could be anthrax.

That looks like part
of a funnel cake.

They're puttin' anthrax
on funnel cakes?
Oh, God, I can't breath.

I ate, like,
four of those today!
My fingertips are goin' numb!

Nothing's comin'!

I have an announcement to make.
First, my brother's here
with his kids.

Billy, take your kids
and get the hell out of here
as fast as you can!

Leave Grandma.
She's had a long life.
Go! Go! Go!

Hold it together, Hoyne.
Okay, now, there's nothin'
to be worried about.

We may, and I stress may have
had a breach of security...

that could lead to
a possible little bitty, tiny--

Terrorist attack
that could rival 9/11!

[ All Screaming ]

* Aah *

- [ Jeff ] To the bunker!
- [ Grunts ]

[ Man ]
Just leave her!

Terrorists!
Hop for your lives!

My mom's gonna kill me.

[ Female Dispatcher ]
2091073 King-John-Bravo.
No wants or warrants.

We've had a breach of security.
Cameras and fireworks were
stolen by terrorists.

And as soon as we figure out how
to put together this torturing
device and find them,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

[ Electricity Crackles ]
Oh, son of a bitch!

Tensions are high.

I got the camera on,
but I can't see anything.

[ Earl ]
You got it backwards.
Oh, right.

I think the camera
on mine's workin'.

This is sweet stuff, Randy.
We're gonna make a fortune
when we sell it.

I wonder what
this button does.
[ Button Clicks ]

Whoa! It turns everything
into a Fruit Roll-Up.

Let me see.

Cool!
I think it sees heat.

Here. Move my cigarette around.

Sweet.
It's like a ghost dot.

I'm a ghost dot.
Whoo.

I'm floatin' around.
Whoo.

Earl, I'm scared.

[ Bird Screeches ]

Well, they stole
our Fourth of July.

Look at this place.
Totally deserted.

This was the heart of our town.

It's like the terrorists
kneed us in the nuts.
The nuts of our heart.

The worst part is that
they took our fireworks.

God knows what
they'll do with them.

I already lived
through one explosion.
I can't do it again.

* She lost her leg *

Am I scared?
Hell, yes, I'm scared.

And a little surprised.

I always thought I'd die
at the hands of a team
of J.V. football players.

It really makes you think about
what's important in your life.

I should start
callin' my mama more.

And I am definitely
gonna keep my next baby.

Mm-hmm.

[ Sighs ]
[ Grunts ]

I remember
my first terrorist attack.

I was six years old, and I
hijacked a school bus filled
with children of diplomats.

I was angry because
they got to eat peanut butter
and jelly for lunch,

while we only had
mud and jelly.

It looks the same, but it
tastes completely different.

The next day,
they took away our jelly,
and we only had the mud.

There are no winners
in terrorism.

[ Bell Dings ]

I read the manual on how to
profile possible terrorists,
but it was really confusing.

So I got this
at the hardware store.

I'm questioning anybody that
falls between Swiss Almond
and Coconut Husk.

Nah, he's all right.

Stay out of the sun, fella!

You're on the bubble!

They took our fireworks?
My husband loves
those fireworks.

Now what's he gonna be doin'
between 8:00 and 10:00 tonight?

They can't just do that.
People have made plans!

[ Grunts ]

[ Earl ]
Randy, hurry.
Get in there! Get down!

This will be hilarious.
We're outside the diner.

When they take the trash out,
Randy's gonna jump out
and scare the crap out of them.

The best part is, he's got
a camera on his helmet...

so we can see their stupid faces
when they scream.
[ Laughs ]

[ Earl ]
Holy Moses!

Earl! Earl! Earl!

Yeah, Randy!
Hang on, buddy!
Earl!

- Earl! Earl!
- I'm gettin' it.
I got it.

- Earl, help me, help me!
- Yeah!

[ Screams ]

People are freaked,
and they should be.

Everybody in this city
could be dead before sundown.

Still, the charity ride-along
had a coupon for lunch.

This wine isn't wine.

I think it's beer
with Kool-Aid in it.

I saw the guy roll his eyes
when you ordered merlot.

I'm pretty sure
he spit in it.

You get used to it.
That kind of thing
happens to cops a lot.

It's the real reason
we eat so many doughnuts.

Hard to hide a loogie
on a doughnut.

You know, if you'd rather,
I could just make us dinner.
Tonight.

- Or Friday night.
- No, no. You paid
top-dollar for this.

You shouldn't have to cook.

I make a great risotto.

* I saw her headin'
to the table *

* Well, a tall walkin'-- *

I feel 87% sure
it wasn't terrorists
that stole those fireworks.

Nonetheless, I'm happy
for the public misconception.

All this misguided
anti-Arab hysteria...

significantly reduces my
likelihood of being victimized
by random police brutality.

I feel bad for
Hispanics, though.

* Get it on
Get it on **

A lot of people think we've
been living in a terror-free
America until now.

That's not true.
I've been terrorized
my whole life.

When I was 10, my father
forced me to play catch for
a whole hour without stopping.

And my mom didn't care.

She was too busy not using
the potholders I made her.

Another disturbance
at Pimmett Hills.
Third one today.

I keep saying we should just
wall it off and let them police
themselves, but no one listens.

[ Male Dispatcher ]
Roger, 1-3 go ahead.
Come out, you pervert!

Come on!
All right, guys,
what's the problem?

He thinks just 'cause
I used his bathroom, he can
peep on me and my wife...

havin' a romantic hump.

[ Earl ]
Baby, you're not gonna believe
what we scored at the fair.

Our kids are never gonna have
to steal a day in their lives.

- What's goin' on in here?
- Nothin'.

[ Randy ]
Hey, who got the new shirt?

"Danger - educated black man."

I bought that
for Earl Junior.

Thought we could give it to him
if he finishes high school.

- Oh, I know what's goin' on.
- You do?

You're settin' up
a little afternoon delight
for mommy and daddy.

Feelin' hot for the provider.

Well, let's see how hot,
little lady.

[ Laughs ]
You're on fire.

Guess we don't have to
waste any time kissin'.

Randy, if you're
gonna be in the room,
you have to face the wall.

[ Randy ] I know the rule.
[ Earl ] Let's get this party
started, Joy.

Oh, God.

Damn it, Randy, no peepin'!

[ Glass Shatters ]

What the hell was that?
I heard it too.

Randy, I think someone's
in the back of the trailer.
Let's go.

Yeah, I know it's him.
I saw him runnin' away
from my trailer.

Why would I spy on her?
Look at how she dresses.

I can see her elbows
any time I want.

Dude, if you like elbows,
boobies are gonna
blow your mind.

Hey, where did you
get that helmet?

Huh? I'd like
an attorney, please.

- Nobody move.
- [ Randy ]
I want an attorney!

Crap!
Send all units!
[ Gunshot ]

* Bad boys, bad boys
Whatcha gonna do *
Officer down!

Not shot, uh, just fell.

* Bad boys, bad boys *
Officer up.

* Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you **

[ Female Dispatcher ]
Go ahead, 1-12.

[ Male Dispatcher ]
1-12, stand by.

We saw the suspects
enter this trailer.
We're gonna go in on three.

Hey, you know what?
Let's go in on two.
More of a surprise.

Cool.
I'll use my hand as a gun.

You know what?
Let's keep it at three.
Standard procedure.

Okay, one, two--

It's locked.

Freeze!

- Hey, Kevin. Did you knock?
- [ Stuart ] Freeze!

I'll get the bleached-blonde
hussy!

Psst! Psst!

[ Randy ]
Hey, Darnell.
Why are you naked?

I'm a free spirit.
Look, we gotta get out of here.

How? There's cops everywhere.
Follow me.

I've had a lot of practice
sneakin' in and out
of the trailer park.

Stay close.
But not too close, remembering
that I'm naked and whatnot.

[ Siren Blaring In Distance ]

I'm on my way
to the trailer park
to help nab some terrorists.

Technically, I should pull
myself over, 'cause I'm drivin'
with an open container.

An open container of whup ass.

- [ Panting ]
- [ Clunk ]

Thank you, sir.
I got it from here.

Ahh! Ahh! Hey!
Somebody help me!

Ahh.
Dear, Mom.

Today... I... called...
the wrong... girl... a hussy.

[ Siren Stops ]
Terrorist!

Well, looks like
the bad guys have
been apprehended.

These cops are amazing,
the way they're so in control.
Ow!

Yeah, maybe later,
we'll all relax a little
and go to a strip club.

Look at some female breasts.
You know, pound some shots,
maybe do some apple martinis.

And then race for pink slips,
like Danny Zuko in Grease.
[ Chuckles ]

No. Lift.

No.
You gotta release it.

I haven't seen a country
this broken since Vietnam.

My son and I passed
through there on a sex tour
in the late '80s.

The Vietnamese are a beautiful
and flexible people.

Hey, can one of you guys
give me a ride home?
I drove my car into a quarry.

We're gonna take the terrorists
into the tent for a little bit
of questioning.

In the old days,
we'd just book him
and read him his rights,

but it's a 9/12 world.
Ahh!

Terrorist got a boo-boo?
[ Joy ]
Hey!

Hey, I'm innocent!
I don't want to
go down with him!

Hey, can I plea bargain?
I know who kidnapped
the mayor's daughter!

I swear,
I'm not a terrorist!
I'm American!

I-I drive a Chevy!

We know you're hiding the truth
somewhere deep inside you.

And this little camera
is gonna help us find it.

[ Gasps ]

All right, I did it!
I'm a terrorist!
Get it out of me!

The suspect caved
almost immediately.

You know, sometimes
police work is challenging.

Sometimes it's rewarding.

Sometimes it's just gross.

They beat a confession
out of you already?

More like into me.

Oh, snap.

Well, now you know why
I confessed all that stuff
on our anniversary.

Mom, we caught the terrorist.

Yeah, I know you don't have
a lot of weekday minutes left.
Whoo-hoo!

I'm gonna have to call you back.
No, nothing bad happened.
[ Siren Blaring ]

My girlfriend's
on the other line.

Maybe I do have a girlfriend!

Mom, why can't things
be easier between us?

[ Female Dispatcher ]
10-22, auto at 2306 South--

I saw a cop car with keys,
and I had to steal it.

It's like when a horse
puts on a saddle,
it wants you to ride him.

All I did was run from
a cop today. I wasn't even
in that much trouble.

Well, actually I also told 'em
you were plannin' to blow up
the Camden Shoe Pavilion.

What? That's crazy.
I love that place.

That's where I get
all my irregular jellies.

Torture hurts, Joy.
I also told 'em my mom
shot Abe Lincoln.

You betrayed me. Just remember
this moment, if you ever
find out I betrayed you.

I haven't, but now I can.

Look, I'll make it up to you.
We'll-We'll go to Canada
and start a new life.

You love Michael J. Fox.
He's from there.

[ Gasps ]
M.J.F. is from Canada?

Oh, that's right.
You're the one who loves him.

Fine. I guess Canada's
not that bad.

Their beer has twice the amount
of alcohol ours does.

Plus, you know they're
laid-back. I mean, they got
a pot leaf right on their flag.

Pot flags?
We're goin' to Canada!

Hey, Canada.
That sounds like a super idea.

Listen, can you guys drop me
off at the next block?

We can't now, Kevin.
You heard us talkin'
about Canada.

You should have spoken up
before we made our plan.

Yeah, man.
Use your head.

Our squad cars get stolen
pretty frequently, so now
they all have LoJack.

Plus, they breakdown
every 30 to 40 miles, so I don't
expect the culprits to get far.

- What in the world?
- Oh, this is odd.

* Oh, beautiful
for empty fairs *

* Gee, Jihads make me sad *

That's the heart
of our town right there,
and that heart is broken.

Be careful out there, Mr. Stack.
There's a lot of idiots
on the road today.

Okay, Mom.
[ Jeff ]
He's clearly drunk.

But bumper cars
are made for crashin'.

Besides, I don't want to
alienate the guy. He's in
the Camden tourist brochure.

There's a nice picture of him
on the antique train.

[ Dog Barks ]
[ Grunts ]

It's kind of funny
how you keep gettin'
kidnapped by us, Kevin.

Maybe you should look
inside yourself and see
what you keep doin' wrong.

Listen, when we get to Canada,
I'll call 'em and tell where
we hid the car.

And I'm still pretty sure
I can talk Randy out of
ditchin' it in the lake.

- Lake! Lake! Lake! Lake!
- Well, you do make
a good point.

[ Radio Dispatcher, Indistinct ]

[ Siren Blares ]

Freeze!
I will shoot you
this time!

* The terrorists
have won again *

* The score is orange to none *

* America, America *

* I should have
hosted Family Feud *

* Oh *

* Beautiful
for spacious skies *

* For amber waves of grain *

* For purple mountain majesty *

[ All ]
* Above the fruity plain *

Man, the Chinese
make a nice firework.

Their food's really good too.

It's beautiful.

I only have one testicle.

Ew, gross!

* I have all the parts
of my body *

[ Patty ]
Look at that.

Oh, this is the greatest
country to live in...

and sell your body
to strangers in the world.

Amen.

All right, I can do this.
Stay calm.

There's gotta be something
in here I can use to escape.

[ Fireworks Exploding ]

Well, what's this?
Road flare?

[ Screaming ]

Quite a sight, isn't it?

[ Both ]
Yeah.

All right, watch your heads.
[ Groans ]

[ Kevin ]
Help! Help!
Wait! Wait, I-- Help!

Hi.

Well, we did it.
We won.

Camden's back,
the fair's back,

the spirit of independence
is back.

* America rocks *

* America rocks *

* America rocks *
Yeah, it's a great
Fourth of July.

I guess we got a little
carried away, though.

But nobody ever saved any lives
by not getting carried away.

That Hickey character agreed not
to sue us for torturing him...

if we dropped all the charges
against him.

So all in all,
a good day.

Terrorists one, cops one.

Tie score.
Your move, terrorists.

Thanks, Kenny.

You know, I know cops aren't
supposed to show emotion,
but damn it, this town,

I'm so proud.

The heroes are them.

Stuart, do you ever
feel so American...

that you just want to
be American with another
American male?

I think I see what you're
gettin' at here, Kenny.

And believe me,
I've thought about it.

You're a very attractive man.

But I'm Catholic.
It's a no-go.

* Bad boys, bad boys *

* Whatcha gonna do
Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you *

[ Earl Narrating ]
After that, the prisoners
treated Randy differently.

In fact, they started treatin'
him like one of their own.

Hey, Randy, it's cool
that you're famous.
I'm famous too.

I won the $350 million
Mega Ball.

Then I shot my dad.
That was stupid.

Oh, yeah.
You were on the news.
The million dollar moron.

Multi-million dollar moron.
But, yeah, that was me.

So you actually know
Tim Stack?
Uh-huh.

Wow. He's funny.

I'd like to kidnap him
and spend some time with him.

Then maybe set him on fire.

Yeah. He would be funny
on fire.

* Tim Stack, Tim Stack
Set him on fire *

* Set him on fire
Watch him burn to death *

* Tim Stack, Tim Stack
Set him on fire *

* Set him on fire
Watch him burn to death *

* Tim Stack, Tim Stack
Set him on fire **