Original subtitles

[ Chattering ]

[ Earl Narrating ] I guess my favorite time in prison is nighttime.

[ Man On P.A. ] Lights out.

[ Earl Narrating ] When it's dark and peaceful,

you can almost feel like you're not stuck behind bars anymore.

[ Man On P.A. ] Outside lights on. [ Men Groan ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Those are the best seven seconds of my day.

Prisoners like to complain, of course,

but we're not the only ones who can feel trapped.

Sometimes Darnell felt trapped in a job that conflicted...

with his kind and gentle nature.

[ Crab Screeching ]

Catalina sometimes felt trapped just by bein' too pretty.

Is the Latina girl gonna be walking to her car soon?

'Cause they're really strict about curfew at the halfway house.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy sometimes felt trapped in his day-to-day life.

Randy! I wanted the baby one on the bottom.

[ Earl Narrating ] And sometimes Joy felt trapped...

just taking care of her overactive kids.

[ Object Smashing ] You two settle down!

And get Mama's thong off your head.

You had pinkeye last week.

[ Earl Narrating ] But I, for one, was about to get an escape.

"Prison Creative Writing."

Creative writing is a wonderful way to escape from prison...

in your imagination.

It's a chance to free your mind,

even if you're stuck behind walls...

and a five-point limb and torso restraint.

Anyway, I want you men to create a story...

where you're the main character.

And you can do absolutely anything!

[ Narrating ] This tiny armored lady was actually getting me excited about writing,

saying how the pen is mightier than the sword.

[ Body Thuds ] Then someone used their pen as a sword.

Excuse me, Mrs. Teacher. I think Enrico might need a pass to the nurse's office.

[ Sighs ] 311.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ] Gettin' started on my creative writin' project...

was harder than I expected.

I always thought I had a good imagination,

but it turns out that was just my imagination.

Hey, Earl, how do you spell "hematoma"?

I don't know, Sonny. If you're gonna make up words, just make up how to spell 'em.

No, it's a real word. See, I'm writing a story about me beatin' up a gymnast.

I hate those guys.

I wish I had an idea. I'm tryin' to write, but just drawin' a blank.

You're being too uptight, man. You gotta just close your eyes and look inside your brain.

You know, like when you're driving on meth.

[ Earl Narrating ] I'd never driven on meth before,

but I've ridden shotgun plenty of times while someone else did,

and closin' your eyes did help.

So I gave it a shot.

So, this is my imagination.

Cool.

Okay, my story can be about me doin' anything.

Anything I can imagine.

You could put me in your story. Worked for Sonny.

Come on, hit me. Break my nose.

That-That's Sonny's thing. Sweet of you, though.

You can go now.

Well, I can't leave unless you stop thinkin' about me.

Right.

[ Gasps ]

You're thinking about me.

Shut up!

And that right there took me a little less than four and one-half hours.

Writin' sounds cool. You could make a world where anything could happen,

like a guy all alone in a boat, huntin' a big, white whale.

Randy, nobody's gonna want to read that.

That's okay. I got lots of ideas.

[ Earl Narrating ] Randy's been lost a lot, but never lost in thought.

Suddenly, he was in a world of his own.

1059, 1060.

What's next on my crime fighter exercise schedule, H.R.?

Golly, Randy, says here you do ten zillion jumpin' jacks.

Hmm. Must be a light day.

[ Beeping ]

- Afternoon, Randy. Bad news. - Some sort of trouble, Commissioner?

- Earl's in trouble at the Crab Shack. - At the Crab Shack?

Sounds like Earl's in trouble. We're on it. Now trouble's in trouble.

We'll need to get our driver. Hey, Richard, we're movin' out.

[ Toilet Flushes ] [ Chittering ]

Step on it, Richard!

[ Beeping ]

Sumo guy with a bazooka? That's too easy. It must be a trap.

Look out, team. Puppet sniper, 10:00.

I'll use my X-ray vision to check on Earl.

Stop your shaking in fear, Earl. Your brother will save us soon.

He's strong and fearless and bad to the bone.

He'll never get in. These walls are rock-solid metal.

[ Cackling ]

This situation is hopeless. No one can save us now.

[ Cackling ]

Since we're gonna die, I should tell you this is actually Randy's mustache.

He lets me wear it.

Catalina, look!

How did you get in here?

[ High-pitched ] Dr. Shrinker shrunk us, and we crawled under the door.

Un-shrink! [ Computerized Voice ] Un-shrinking.

- [ Ninjas ] Hyah! - We're here for two things:

to kick some ass and drink some beers.

- Get him, you fools! - [ Shouting ]

- [ Shouting ] - Oh!

[ Grunts ]

Did you see that one? Wow!

Eat my tail, ninjas.

Get back in there, you loser! Fight!

[ Shouts ]

[ Bones Cracking ]

Booyah, Randy!

Game over.

Go ahead, finish me off.

I'd never hurt a lady. [ Sighs ]

[ Bones Cracking ] Lucky for me, you're no lady.

Wow!

You're the best, Randy. I know.

You ruined everything, Randy!

I don't ruin things. I make 'em rock.

** [ Rock ]

Thanks, Bro. You've done it again.

Can I have some money for the claw machine?

Oh, Earl.

[ All Laughing ]

Wow. You wrote all this in one night? Yeah.

I even drew a poster, in case Hollywood wants to make it into a movie.

Wow. Well, the doctor always said you were borderline artistic.

I think I'm all the way artistic now. I'm gonna go hang it in the break room.

[ Earl Narrating ] Considering Randy only uses a 17-letter alphabet,

I was surprised he could write a story better than me.

So I decided I'd try again. [ Sighs ]

Somethin' interesting. Think of somethin' interesting.

Just so you know, I've been all over this place.

There's nothin' else here but me.

Go away. Nobody's interested in a story about a gymnast.

Apparently you've never seen Profiles In Courage: The Kerri Strug Story.

No, I haven't. Aha. Then how'd you make me say it?

Okay, fine. I saw it, and it made me cry. You happy now, you son of a bitch?

Damn!

[ Earl Narrating ] It was five days, and I still couldn't think of anything to write.

Seemed like everybody had an imagination except me. [ Sighs ]

Boys, clean up this mess! It looks like a toy store took a dump in here!

I know what'll cheer you up, Joy.

Writin' a story. You should do it.

Here's a story. "Once upon a time, Randy shut up. The end."

Had a slow start, but I liked the middle.

- Y'all didn't do your homework yet? - [ Both Groan ]

I want homework done, TV off, and y'all in bed by midnight.

I'm not raisin' any Nathanville trash.

[ Dodge ] I hate homework. It's stupid. I don't like it.

[ Earl Narrating ] Joy's kids hated everything from homework to baths.

So Joy decided to go to the only place her kids couldn't complain--

her imagination.

[ Joy Narrating ] Once upon a long, long time ago, pretty far away,

there were two whiny little brats who I loved,

but I still wanted to wring their necks sometimes,

and a mom with the class of Princess Diana and the body of a porn star.

[ Together ] You're mean! You make us do homework, which is yucky!

Don't you talk in unison to me. You think I'm mean?

Mean is not bein' able to drink daiquiris for nine months...

and still havin' your kids come out lazy-brained.

Let me show you somethin' about homework. Let's go. [ Both Grunt ]

Once there was a little boy like you two who never, ever studied.

[ Cawing ] Ugh! I hate crows.

And that boy who didn't do his homework grew up to be a giant dummy.

Hey, giant dummy.

If a train leaves a station going 60 miles an hour, and you're a quarter mile away,

how long do you have to get your hairy ass off the track?

Crud, man, that's a toughie.

Sixty divided by a quarter-- A quarter's 25 cents.

"I" before "E" equals... an hour and a half.

Whew! Now I got 80 minutes to kill.

[ Whistle Blowing ] [ Grunts ]

[ Both Screaming ]

Well, he got the "kill" part right.

Anyway, that's why I make you do your homework. So quit your bitchin'.

Yeah, quit your bitchin'.

Shut up! I got this.

Let's go. Y'all hate bath time?

Once there was a lazy slob who wouldn't take a bath.

He got so nasty and sweaty that moss grew on him. Eww.

Then the moss got sticky, and all his snack crumbs stuck to it.

Then mice came, and the nasty slob said-- Shoo, mice.

But the mice couldn't shoo because they were too stuck to the damn slob.

Then all the mess at the slob's filthy house stuck to the slob.

I hate myself! [ Crash ]

Then cars and trees and buildings stuck to the slob.

And then as sure as poo on your shoe, everything stuck to the slob.

Mountains stuck to him, Canada stuck to him.

And the slob-clump got so heavy that he fell clear off the Earth.

And he fell all the way through space until he landed on God's desk,

where God squished him with his coffee mug. [ Screaming ]

God loves everybody, but I mean, come on.

Looking good there, Joy.

Just usin' what you gave me, "G." [ Clicks Tongue ]

"And they went back to their trailer and lived happily ever after."

Okay, you two, clean up and go to bed.

And remember, if you don't listen to what I say, God will kill you.

While I disagree with your view of a conventional anthropomorphic god,

I respect you using that myth to discipline them rascally boys.

I'm a creative being, Darnell. I mean, think about all that stuff I yell at the movie screen,

and all those great Mad Libs I've done.

"The purple Christina Aguilera flew into"--

[ Together ] "The horny Carol Burnett."

That was a fun anniversary. Mm-hmm.

[ Earl Narrating ] Apparently all my friends were more creative than me.

'Cause even Darnell was able to work out some personal issues by puttin' pen to paper.

** [ Soul ]

* My sweet animal brother *

* Please forgive my sin *

* Mmm-mmm *

* Food source with a mother *

* Where do I begin *

* To explain how my heart toils justifying that you boil *

* Leftovers I wrap in foil *

* America burns too much oil *

Gotta stay focused.

* When I make my dirty dollar *

Hmph! * I have heard the sound *

Wait for it. It's heavy.

* Of a crab who hiss and hollers * Ahhh!

* As he's drowning down Oh, yeah *

* That crab fritter you see fryin' *

* Was once a critter I sent dyin' *

* I wanna be a quitter and I'm sure tryin' *

* 'Cause I'm a cook who can't stop cryin' Ooo-ooh *

* I'm not saying what to eat Have a shish kebab or piggy feet *

* But honor he who feels the heat *

* Please, respect the meat *

[ Rapping ] * I wanna say thank you Thank you from the nation *

* To the people with claws Crustaceans *

* And the other animals whose location *

* Will end up in my draws Mastication *

- Joy? - [ Rapping ] * Hey, it's not selfish *

* It is quite valid to hope that shellfish get their own mallets *

* And you might well wish you ordered salad *

* When a crab whups your ass Darnell, kick your ballad *

[ Singing ] * It's no crime to sell a ton of murdered exoskeletons *

* No one cried when he got fried *

* Because he walks from side to side *

* Chigga, chigga chigga, chigga, pinch *

* Chigga, chigga, chigga chigga, pinch *

[ Softly ] * Baby, I tried to stay away from you *

* You know, tried seeing other foods *

* Broccoli, tofu I even dipped it in butter *

* But it's not you *

* I'm not saying what to eat *

* Life is short and life is sweet *

* And meat is life So I repeat *

* Please, respect the meat *

* Digest slowly *

* Please, respect the meat *

* Even in Crete *

* Please, respect the meat *

* Ohhh **

[ Crab Screeching ]

Darnell, these lyrics are so beautiful and moving.

That's what Joey looks like on the inside.

You should probably stop naming them.

That's what we did with the children in my village after the military took over.

Damn! You've got some crazy stories.

You ever think about writing them down? I wish I could write.

But with my two jobs, when will I find the time?

[ Grunts ]

I just want to take her to dinner.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out she found time to take a stab at writing that very night.

[ Male Announcer ] Presenta, en una historia original de Catalina Aruca,

el regreso a la TV de la primera actriz,

Catalina Aruca como Catalina en--

Catalina, Woman of a Thousand Tears.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Spanish Accent ] Catalina, why are you crying?

Yes, when tomorrow you marry the richest man in all of Latin America.

It is a tear of relief, Randito,

because tonight is the last time I will be forced into dancing by my brother's kidnappers.

I will finally have enough money to pay for his freedom.

Hola, Churroman. Hola, Earlonzo.

Catalina, these churros are in honor of your wedding.

Now I have tears of gratitude, Darnando.

I will eat them tomorrow after I marry Javier and lose my virginity to him,

which will happen tomorrow, because that is when he will arrive into town.

¡Ay! There he is!

He can't see me in this outfit.

If he knows I dance in front of other men, it would break his heart,

and he will call off the wedding.

Now I cry tears for fears.

Quick, you can use the back door! Your secret is safe. ¡Ándale!

[ Clucking ] It is not safe with me.

She will suffer for being prettier than I.

[ Cackling ]

Don't worry, my brother.

- After this last dance, you will be free. - [ Muttering ]

** [ Jazz ]

[ Gasps ]

Javier!

[ Cackling ]

I wanted to tell you the truth.

The truth is... you're a cheap tramp.

[ Sobbing ]

[ Sobbing Continues ]

But there is a reason for my actions.

I dance to pay the ransom for my kidnapped brother.

They cut off both his big toes.

He can never wear flip-flop sandals again.

Why did you not tell me?

I'm very wealthy from my flip-flop factory.

Because of the irony.

I am not interested in your money.

I am only interested... in your heart.

I guess dancing is not that bad.

At least you're not the maid in the hotel.

[ Grunting ]

Este episode is sponsored by Frijoles de Garcia.

Número uno in our hearts, número uno in our stomach.

For the first time in my life,

I cry tears...

of happiness.

[ Announcer ] Catalina, Woman of a Thousand Tears.

[ Earl Narrating ] Even Catalina, who couldn't think of...

a more creative stripper name than Catalina, was more creative than me.

So all night I banged my head, thinkin' of a story about me that wouldn't suck.

I even used other people's stuff. But nothin' I came up with felt right.

- How many? - Golly, Earl, you're still at zero.

* Chigga, chigga, chigga chigga, chigga *

[ Sighs ]

You can do this. Just think of some sort of-- [ Screams ]

[ Earl Narrating ] The next day, I still had nothing exciting to read out loud.

So I gave up trying to imagine something interesting or cool.

I just wrote down the only things I could actually picture in my head.

Nothing big. Just regular stuff.

But it was stuff that made me happy.

And suddenly the words were flowin'. It was great.

** [ Folk ] [ Man ] * If my words did glow *

* With the gold of sunshine *

[ Earl Narrating ] Everybody can feel trapped sometimes in their everyday lives.

But when you lose your everyday life,

well, that can sometimes become your best fantasy.

* For your steps alone *

"And that's what I would do if I could do anything in the world."

[ Narrating ] I didn't think it was gonna be that great, but people seemed to like it.

Tell again the part about how the wings tasted.

Sure. Uh--

"The wings were not hot, but spicy.

And the celery was warm and bendy, like I like it."

* Then who's to guide you *

* If I knew the way *

* I would take you home **