All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E03.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Door Buzzes ]

[ Sighs ]
Why are you touchin' me?

Where's that female guard
that looks like the coach
of the Pittsburgh Steelers?

She's sick today, so they said
I get to frisk all the women,

'cause if someone sues,
I got the least stuff to lose.

Randy!

Here. Brought you some cupcakes,
some socks I made
and some magazines.

Since they won't let me
bring in nudie mags,

I drew naughty parts
on all the people
in the TV Guide.

Joy, how many times do I have to
tell you? You don't have to
keep bringin' me stuff.

Earl, every day I feel
more and more "terribler"
that you're in here.

I mean, if you'd never met me,
you wouldn't be sittin'
in this prison right now...

with a bunch of filthy,
no-good hopheads who would cut
your throat if they only had--

Hey, I know that guy.
He used to work at
the Crab Shack back in the day.

You don't know him,
but his name is--
Frank?

Earl?
Earl Hickey?

[ Earl Narrating ]
I hadn't seen Frank
in over seven years.

It was right around the time
me and Randy...

had officially
worn out our welcome
livin' with our parents,

which happened around the same
time Dad got a value-pack
coupon for a fumigation.

- Mornin'.
- Mornin'.

Listen, your father told me
not to bother wakin' you guys,
but I don't know.

I don't feel
right about it.

You got three minutes to
get out of the house before
your skin starts to peel off.

[ Hissing ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And just like that,
we were homeless.

Hey, Earl,
where are we going?

I don't know, Randy.
We're just walking.

Maybe we should
pick up the pace,

try to get some of that
bug poison out of our lungs.

Oh, I don't mind the poison.
I think I swallowed
a praying mantis the other day,

and I'm pretty sure
I felt it lay some eggs.

Well, I guess
everything happens
for a reason, Randy.

[ Man ]
* Ooh, the wheel in the sky
keeps on turning *

* I don't know
where I'll be tomorrow *

[ Earl Narrating ] While me
and Randy tried to figure out
where we were gonna call home,

a young woman
we hadn't yet met was dealin'
with her own problems.

You see, a little while back,
Joy had had a one-night stand
with a man,

and he didn't leave his number,
but he did leave her
with somethin' else.

* I've been tryin'
to make it home *
Damn it!

[ Earl Narrating ]
And when she started to show,

her parents threw her
out of her house too.

You're both gonna feel awful bad
if this turns out to be
baby Jesus or a tumor!

* Very much longer *

[ Earl Narrating ] That day,
the homeless rate in Camden
increased by three-point-fetus.

* The wheel in the sky
keeps on turning **

Dude, I told you
that's not cool.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Eventually, Joy found herself
at Camden's only motel.

And as soon as
she smelled the room, she knew
she needed a better plan.

[ Sighs ]
I'm gonna have to
find you a sugar daddy.

So don't be alarmed
if some company
pops in for a visit.

[ Earl Narrating ] For most
people in our neighborhood,
Wednesday was trash day.

For me and Randy,
it was movin' day.

Keep your eye out for
a front yard with a hammock
or a pile of dry leaves.

Can you sleep on big
plastic bags full of garbage?

'Cause I keep seein'
those everywhere.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I found our answer.

It was right below a flyer
for a missing boa constrictor...

and above some flyers
for a bunch of missing cats
and chickens.

So what do you think, huh?
It's not bad, right?

You got the stove,
the fridge.

I think that over there
is the dishwasher.

And the best part
about it is--
[ Spits ]

you can spit on the floor--
I don't give a crap.

Anyway, I live in the bedroom,
you guys'll live in the kitchen
and Paco lives in the parlor.

What's the other door
down the hall?

Oh, that's my home gym. I'm
savin' up for a treadmill, but
right now I just run in place.

Anyway,
it's a great room, right?

The kitchen, I mean.
And it's all yours.

Except, I'm gonna
tell you right now,

Pac and I still reserve
the right to use the fridge
and the sink/half bath.

Earl, I think that means
we get to pee in the sink.

We'll take it.
[ Spits ]

- [ Spits ]
- [ Spits ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and
Randy were gettin' used to
our new livin' arrangements.

Can you turn up
the heat a little?
No problem.

[ Frank ]
Oh, man.

[ Sighs ]
Hey, sorry, guys.
I just finished my workout.

It's hard to tell,
but I did at least
three miles.

It's okay.
The light scares away
all the cockroaches.

* Delta Dawn *

* What's that flower
you have on *

Paco, shut up.
The kitchen guys
are tryin' to sleep.

He's all bent out of shape
about this chick from back home.
Little tip.

Don't let him catch you
comin' out of the bathroom
with that picture of his lady.

- He will lose his mind.
- * And did I hear you say *

* You were meeting me, Paco
here today *

* To take you
to your mansion *

* In the sky **

[ Spanish ]

[ Meowing ]

[ Sighs ]
Ohh.

Sorry.
Shower's stopped up.

I'm just gonna get
the sweet spots real quick.
Ahh.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had to admit it. I really
looked up to this guy Frank.

And not just 'cause I was lyin'
on the floor and he was washin'
his sweet spots over me,

but 'cause he really
had his life together.

[ Man ]
* Hey *
Ahh. Ahh.

* Uh-huh **

Not only was he livin' rent free
'cause of this sublettin'
thing he invented,

he also drove a hell of a car.

Randy, he's got
an El "frickin'" Camino.

That's like
the Cadillac of cars.

[ Earl Narrating ]
He even had a cool job in
a place we'd never been before.

On the house, roomies.
Thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Of course, Frank's job would
eventually become Darnell's,

but he hadn't quite made it
to Camden County yet.

Hello.
Welcome to Witness Protection
orientation and instruction.

Now what do you say
we go around the room,
introduce ourselves,

and tell everyone
why we're here?

Uh, my name is Harry Monroe,

and I'm here because,
when I was four years old,
the U.S. government--

[ Groans ]

Rule number one: never tell
anyone your true identity
or why you're here.

Rule number two:
no gum in class.

Hey, fellas, you think
I could get your rent check
by the end of the week?

Def Leppard tickets are goin' on
sale. It's gettin' to where the
band notices if I'm not there.

Yeah, yeah. That-That's cool.
End of the week is good.
That's when I get my paycheck.

That's normal, right?
That-That's how most jobs
do it?

Like the job I have?
End of the week?

- Yeah, that's pretty normal.
- Hey, Frankie.

- Two shots of sake for me
and ol' Yoshimitsu here.
- We don't have sake.

Just tear a label off a bottle
of vodka and draw a dragon
on it. He'll never know.

Earl, Gary,
that's my friend Patty.
She's a hooker.

- [ Together ]
Hey.
- Hey.

This is Yoshimitsu.
He's in town on business.

[ Speaking Japanese ]

He talks gibberish.
[ Patty ]
Yeah.

He don't speak much English.
Half the time, I don't know if
he's sayin' "sake" or "sucky."

- He's pretty rich, huh?
- Are you kiddin' me?

Look at this watch.
Those stones are real.

- I know, 'cause I used to mule
blood diamonds from Zimbabwe.
- Wow. That is nice.

He could afford
a much prettier hooker,

but not one that's gonna do
some of the jacked-up stuff
this dude's into, right, Yoshi?

[ Speaking Japanese ]

Hey, Earl, he's talkin'
gibberish again.

Yeah, I heard him.

[ Earl Narrating ] Sellin'
that watch could probably pay
our rent for the next year.

I just had to figure out
how to get it.

And I wasn't the only one
lookin' to try and take
advantage of someone with money.

So you're really on TV?

I don't recognize you,
but my parents' TV only gets
picture on channel 5 and 7.

Oh, well, that explains it.
I'm usually up in the 60s.

Cool.

So, you want to
get married?

Well, maybe. But, uh, I'm not
gonna buy the cow until I get
a chance to sample the milk.

Oh, well, my milk ain't
come in yet, but we can
do it if you want to.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Luckily, there was only
one motel in Camden,

so we knew
right where Yoshimitsu
and his fancy watch would be.

And luckily, he had
enough Crab Shack sake
to put him out for the night.

[ Grunts ]

- Frank?
- Earl?

What are you doin' here?

I'm here to steal
Yoshi's watch.

You're kiddin' me.
I'm here to steal
Yoshi's watch.

- Get out of here.
You steal?
- Hell, yeah, I steal.

Look, I'm wearin' your pants.
Took 'em right out of the dryer.

Oh, man, this one is
for the books, right?

And don't tell me.
This must be Randy, right?

[ Body Hits Floor ]
Sorry. I panicked
when he identified me.

Sorry Randy punched you.
It's not a problem.

It's the, uh, price of doin'
business. But I don't have to
tell you, right, thief?

Hey, watch who you're
callin' a thief, thief.

[ Both Laughing ]

Hey, guys, I think
I killed Paco.

No, no, no.
He just knocks out easy.
He may even be playin' possum.

Hey, Paquito.

No, he's out.
Hey, good for you.

[ Joy ]
Hey, dummy, shut up in there!
[ Banging ]

You shut up!
Shut up!

God, can you imagine
bein' married to that bitch?

Dummy!

Come on, Tim. Hurry up,
so we can do this.

Sun's almost up, and my morning
sickness is about to kick in.

You do not want to be under me
when that happens.

What the hell?

Did I not mention this
at dinner?

Tim, I don't think
this is gonna work out.

[ Earl Narrating ] Some guy
Frank knew named Jasper gave us
a thousand bucks for the watch,

and we split it
between the four of us.

All right. That's your half,
minus 65 for the rent.

Thanks for countin' it out.
I like how you did it by twos.

Made it go a lot faster.
I had an uncle
who taught me that.

He also had this, uh,
trick for remembering
all the months of the year.

But I can't remember
how he did it, so I guess
that secret died with him.

Hey, Earl, now that
we got some money,

can we get one of them
orange, "Right turn, Clyde,"
Clint Eastwood monkeys?

That way I won't have to
eat bananas alone.
I hate that you hate bananas.

I'm sorry about that, Randy.

But I think
we should do somethin'
smarter with the money.

- Hey, Frank, what are you guys
gonna buy with your share?
- Oh, we're investing it.

Really?
Wow, that's pretty smart.

We don't want to be runnin'
around stealin' watches for
the rest of our lives, right?

- There's no future in it.
- Yeah, it's undignified.

Yeah, makes sense.
So what are you investin' in?
Stocks? Real estate?

No, guns.
Two really big guns.

- We're gonna rob
an Indian casino.
- [ Together ] Cool.

Tell them about Howie.
Oh, yeah. We're plannin' the
robbery for the same night...

that Howie Mandel's gonna be
performin' at the place,
so it's gonna be sold out.

- Eh? It's a lot
of spinach, you know?
- I send for my woman.

She's gonna
sneak into the country,
then after the robbery,

we're gonna sneak out
of the country together.

I know this is more
sneaking than she needs to do,
but she's a really good sneaker.

You guys are gonna be rich.
Hey, Earl, they're gonna
be rich.

Hey, listen, uh, we'd like
our lives to be better too.

Any chance
you'd be willin' to, uh,
buy a couple of extra guns...

with our share
of the watch money
and let us help out?

I guess if there's, uh,
four of us gettin' shot at,

then, uh,
there's less of a chance that
Pac and I are gonna get killed.

- Sure. Why not?
- Yes! If we don't die,
we're gettin' a monkey.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While me and Randy
made plans for a new life,

Darnell was doin' the same.
Okay, son, go ahead.

You see, without fingerprints,
you'll be one step closer to
eliminating the possibility...

for someone to discover
your true identity.

[ Grinding ]
By the way, this is optional.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And in another
part of the world,

Catalina was learnin'
that passage to America
didn't come cheap.

[ Spanish ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
We got our weapons.

But this was a big job,
and we didn't want to go off
half-cocked.

[ Dog Barks In Distance ]

[ Water Dripping ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
So we realized
we needed a plan.

It'll be like that.
But you know what?

You know, this is, uh--
there's probably better
plans to go with,

but this is
this permanent marker, so, uh,
let's just stick with this.

So, uh, anybody remember
what that plan was?

[ Earl Narrating ] It took Frank
a while to remember the plan,
but he eventually did.

It was cool
'cause we all had disguises.

Frank was a golfer,
I was an old man,
Paco was my nurse,

and since
real hostages fight back,
ours was gonna be Randy.

- This wig is itchy.
- Well, it's an Indian
casino, okay?

They're not gonna
give up their money unless
they're savin' one of their own.

All right, now,
let's do this!

Everybody put your money
and jewelry in the wheelchair!

- Otherwise, your homeboy
here gets wasted!
- Ahh! Help me! Help me!

Someone push
the emergency button...

and tell the police they live
in the Pimmit Hills
Trailer Park!

Okay, um, everyone else,
great job. Randy--

Oh, man. Did I say
everyone's full name again?

[ Earl Narrating ]
The only thing left
was to actually do the job.

Joy had another job:
to find someone to
take care of her baby.

And as the due date drew closer,
she was lookin' everywhere.

So, Doc,
I don't feel a ring
on your finger.

I like this.

We should shoot a hole in
the closet so we don't have to
open the door to get our coats.

Plus, the milk
is nice and warm.

Eighteen hours to go-time, guys,
on a big job.
Biggest job I've ever had.

Guns. Casinos. Guns.
Big job. Big one.

Anybody else
throw up twice today?

Hey, Earl, just try
and relax, okay?

Now, listen, Paco and I are
gonna be in Nathanville tonight.

If this is my last night
on earth, I'm gonna go
try to meet my son.

Plus, his mom's got
a van we could steal.

All right, see you guys at
the casino tomorrow, all right?

Oh, God! What's the date
on this cereal?

[ Earl Narrating ] While me
and Randy were tryin' to
chill out before our big day,

Joy was realizin' that
she had to get married quick
or she was screwed.

And after my 12th
upside-down margarita,
Joy had me where she wanted me.

And my shotgun casino robbery
was replaced by
a shotgun wedding.

So I called Randy and let
him know that I couldn't get
back in time for the robbery,

and he was gonna have to
go without me.

No problem.
Congratulations.

I-I'll take the bus
and meet the guys there.

[ Man On TV ]
Coming up next,
a Krofft Superstars marathon.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Two days later, me and Joy
got back to Camden...

to start our new life
as husband and wife.

Hey, by the way,
what's your last name?

Well, it was Darville,
but I guess it's whatever
your last name is now.

Oh, yeah.
Well, nice to meet you,
Mrs. Hickey.

[ Chuckles ]
Miss Hickey.
That's funny.

Seriously,
what's your last name?

[ Rapid Beeping ]

[ Freddy The Flute ]
Jimmy, I'll go with you.

[ H.R. Pufnstuf ]
Golly. What's wrong
with him, Freddy?

- I think he's kinda homesick.
Especially today.
- [ Beeping Continues ]

You see, it's his birthday.
[ Beeping Stops ]

Oh, that's what
that beepin' sound was.

I thought it was
Jimmy's magic flute,

and I couldn't figure out
how come I couldn't find them
on the commercials.

- How was the robbery?
- Oh, no. I forgot to go.

And those guys never came back?

- I don't think so.
- Huh.

Earl, I'm serious.
Tell me your real last name.

- I told you, it's Hickey. Joy,
this is my brother, Randy.
- Hey.

You ain't stayin' here.
And I am not gonna
be called Miss Hickey.

Took me all of fifth grade
to lose that nickname,

and I'm sure as hell
not goin' back to it now.

Uh, honey,
we live in the kitchen.

When you never came back,
we moved into the bedroom
and started drivin' your car.

We figured you were livin'
on some beach somewhere.
I wish.

Uh, yeah, things didn't
really, uh, work out
the way we planned.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Frank explained that the robbery
went off without a hitch--

Whoo!
and they had made
a clean getaway.

* Rolling down the street
Smoking indo *

* Sippin' on gin and juice *
* Beeyotch *

* With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind *

E-E-Excuse me.
A-Are you gonna kill me?

Damn. You know, I forgot that
you were even back there.

I gotta tell you, we weren't
plannin' on taking anybody,

but our fake hostage
just didn't show up.

Oh, I see. Uh, s-so
where does that leave us...

with the whole killing me
or not killing me thing?

I don't know.
Why don't you, uh, pop
a rubber glove on your head...

and see if it makes me laugh,
and we'll talk about it later.
[ Laughing ]

* Rolling down the street
Smoking indo *

* Sipping on gin and juice *

* Laid back *
* With my mind on my money
and my money on my mind **

As soon as you
get out of this van,
you become Darnell Turner.

All the documents you need
are in this envelope.

Cool.

And remember, you can never
be Harry Monroe again.
You're a totally new person.

Disculpe. Disculpe, señor.

Mira. Yo sé que esto
no tiene sentido
con-- con este programa...

porque como hemos visto,
yo vine después de Y2K,

pero en realidad,
¿quién-- quién pone atención
a ese tipo de cosas?

Sorry, sister.
I only speak French,
Russian and Arabic.

I mean... what up, doll?

Catalina!

[ Country On Radio ]
* Smoking indo
Sippin' on gin and juice *

[ All Screaming ]

- [ Tires Screeching ]
- [ Crash ]

* Rolling down the street
Smokin' indo *

* Sippin' on gin and a--
a juice **

An F.B.I. van? I mean,
what the hell was an F.B.I. van
even doin' in Camden?

They popped us both, and poor
Paco never even got to see
his old girlfriend again.

- Man. How long you in for?
- Twenty years.

Wait a second.
So if I hadn't taken this fool
to Vegas to get married,

- he'd be in here
for 20 years?
- Yeah.

Oh, hell. And here I am thinkin'
I owe you 'cause you're doin'
two years for me.

I saved you 18 years
in this hellhole.
You owe me.

And you owe the library
some clean TV Guides.

[ Chuckles ]

Wow. I think this is the first
time I've ever been glad she
tricked me into marryin' her.

Whoa! Check out
the vagina on Al Roker.