Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[ Door Buzzes ]

[ Sighs ] Why are you touchin' me?

Where's that female guard that looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers?

She's sick today, so they said I get to frisk all the women,

'cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose.

Randy!

Here. Brought you some cupcakes, some socks I made and some magazines.

Since they won't let me bring in nudie mags,

I drew naughty parts on all the people in the TV Guide.

Joy, how many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to keep bringin' me stuff.

Earl, every day I feel more and more "terribler" that you're in here.

I mean, if you'd never met me, you wouldn't be sittin' in this prison right now...

with a bunch of filthy, no-good hopheads who would cut your throat if they only had--

Hey, I know that guy. He used to work at the Crab Shack back in the day.

You don't know him, but his name is-- Frank?

Earl? Earl Hickey?

[ Earl Narrating ] I hadn't seen Frank in over seven years.

It was right around the time me and Randy...

had officially worn out our welcome livin' with our parents,

which happened around the same time Dad got a value-pack coupon for a fumigation.

- Mornin'. - Mornin'.

Listen, your father told me not to bother wakin' you guys, but I don't know.

I don't feel right about it.

You got three minutes to get out of the house before your skin starts to peel off.

[ Hissing ]

[ Earl Narrating ] And just like that, we were homeless.

Hey, Earl, where are we going?

I don't know, Randy. We're just walking.

Maybe we should pick up the pace,

try to get some of that bug poison out of our lungs.

Oh, I don't mind the poison. I think I swallowed a praying mantis the other day,

and I'm pretty sure I felt it lay some eggs.

Well, I guess everything happens for a reason, Randy.

[ Man ] * Ooh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning *

* I don't know where I'll be tomorrow *

[ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy tried to figure out where we were gonna call home,

a young woman we hadn't yet met was dealin' with her own problems.

You see, a little while back, Joy had had a one-night stand with a man,

and he didn't leave his number, but he did leave her with somethin' else.

* I've been tryin' to make it home * Damn it!

[ Earl Narrating ] And when she started to show,

her parents threw her out of her house too.

You're both gonna feel awful bad if this turns out to be baby Jesus or a tumor!

* Very much longer *

[ Earl Narrating ] That day, the homeless rate in Camden increased by three-point-fetus.

* The wheel in the sky keeps on turning **

Dude, I told you that's not cool.

[ Earl Narrating ] Eventually, Joy found herself at Camden's only motel.

And as soon as she smelled the room, she knew she needed a better plan.

[ Sighs ] I'm gonna have to find you a sugar daddy.

So don't be alarmed if some company pops in for a visit.

[ Earl Narrating ] For most people in our neighborhood, Wednesday was trash day.

For me and Randy, it was movin' day.

Keep your eye out for a front yard with a hammock or a pile of dry leaves.

Can you sleep on big plastic bags full of garbage?

'Cause I keep seein' those everywhere.

[ Earl Narrating ] And then I found our answer.

It was right below a flyer for a missing boa constrictor...

and above some flyers for a bunch of missing cats and chickens.

So what do you think, huh? It's not bad, right?

You got the stove, the fridge.

I think that over there is the dishwasher.

And the best part about it is-- [ Spits ]

you can spit on the floor-- I don't give a crap.

Anyway, I live in the bedroom, you guys'll live in the kitchen and Paco lives in the parlor.

What's the other door down the hall?

Oh, that's my home gym. I'm savin' up for a treadmill, but right now I just run in place.

Anyway, it's a great room, right?

The kitchen, I mean. And it's all yours.

Except, I'm gonna tell you right now,

Pac and I still reserve the right to use the fridge and the sink/half bath.

Earl, I think that means we get to pee in the sink.

We'll take it. [ Spits ]

- [ Spits ] - [ Spits ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and Randy were gettin' used to our new livin' arrangements.

Can you turn up the heat a little? No problem.

[ Frank ] Oh, man.

[ Sighs ] Hey, sorry, guys. I just finished my workout.

It's hard to tell, but I did at least three miles.

It's okay. The light scares away all the cockroaches.

* Delta Dawn *

* What's that flower you have on *

Paco, shut up. The kitchen guys are tryin' to sleep.

He's all bent out of shape about this chick from back home. Little tip.

Don't let him catch you comin' out of the bathroom with that picture of his lady.

- He will lose his mind. - * And did I hear you say *

* You were meeting me, Paco here today *

* To take you to your mansion *

* In the sky **

[ Spanish ]

[ Meowing ]

[ Sighs ] Ohh.

Sorry. Shower's stopped up.

I'm just gonna get the sweet spots real quick. Ahh.

[ Earl Narrating ] I had to admit it. I really looked up to this guy Frank.

And not just 'cause I was lyin' on the floor and he was washin' his sweet spots over me,

but 'cause he really had his life together.

[ Man ] * Hey * Ahh. Ahh.

* Uh-huh **

Not only was he livin' rent free 'cause of this sublettin' thing he invented,

he also drove a hell of a car.

Randy, he's got an El "frickin'" Camino.

That's like the Cadillac of cars.

[ Earl Narrating ] He even had a cool job in a place we'd never been before.

On the house, roomies. Thanks.

[ Earl Narrating ] Of course, Frank's job would eventually become Darnell's,

but he hadn't quite made it to Camden County yet.

Hello. Welcome to Witness Protection orientation and instruction.

Now what do you say we go around the room, introduce ourselves,

and tell everyone why we're here?

Uh, my name is Harry Monroe,

and I'm here because, when I was four years old, the U.S. government--

[ Groans ]

Rule number one: never tell anyone your true identity or why you're here.

Rule number two: no gum in class.

Hey, fellas, you think I could get your rent check by the end of the week?

Def Leppard tickets are goin' on sale. It's gettin' to where the band notices if I'm not there.

Yeah, yeah. That-That's cool. End of the week is good. That's when I get my paycheck.

That's normal, right? That-That's how most jobs do it?

Like the job I have? End of the week?

- Yeah, that's pretty normal. - Hey, Frankie.

- Two shots of sake for me and ol' Yoshimitsu here. - We don't have sake.

Just tear a label off a bottle of vodka and draw a dragon on it. He'll never know.

Earl, Gary, that's my friend Patty. She's a hooker.

- [ Together ] Hey. - Hey.

This is Yoshimitsu. He's in town on business.

[ Speaking Japanese ]

He talks gibberish. [ Patty ] Yeah.

He don't speak much English. Half the time, I don't know if he's sayin' "sake" or "sucky."

- He's pretty rich, huh? - Are you kiddin' me?

Look at this watch. Those stones are real.

- I know, 'cause I used to mule blood diamonds from Zimbabwe. - Wow. That is nice.

He could afford a much prettier hooker,

but not one that's gonna do some of the jacked-up stuff this dude's into, right, Yoshi?

[ Speaking Japanese ]

Hey, Earl, he's talkin' gibberish again.

Yeah, I heard him.

[ Earl Narrating ] Sellin' that watch could probably pay our rent for the next year.

I just had to figure out how to get it.

And I wasn't the only one lookin' to try and take advantage of someone with money.

So you're really on TV?

I don't recognize you, but my parents' TV only gets picture on channel 5 and 7.

Oh, well, that explains it. I'm usually up in the 60s.

Cool.

So, you want to get married?

Well, maybe. But, uh, I'm not gonna buy the cow until I get a chance to sample the milk.

Oh, well, my milk ain't come in yet, but we can do it if you want to.

[ Earl Narrating ] Luckily, there was only one motel in Camden,

so we knew right where Yoshimitsu and his fancy watch would be.

And luckily, he had enough Crab Shack sake to put him out for the night.

[ Grunts ]

- Frank? - Earl?

What are you doin' here?

I'm here to steal Yoshi's watch.

You're kiddin' me. I'm here to steal Yoshi's watch.

- Get out of here. You steal? - Hell, yeah, I steal.

Look, I'm wearin' your pants. Took 'em right out of the dryer.

Oh, man, this one is for the books, right?

And don't tell me. This must be Randy, right?

[ Body Hits Floor ] Sorry. I panicked when he identified me.

Sorry Randy punched you. It's not a problem.

It's the, uh, price of doin' business. But I don't have to tell you, right, thief?

Hey, watch who you're callin' a thief, thief.

[ Both Laughing ]

Hey, guys, I think I killed Paco.

No, no, no. He just knocks out easy. He may even be playin' possum.

Hey, Paquito.

No, he's out. Hey, good for you.

[ Joy ] Hey, dummy, shut up in there! [ Banging ]

You shut up! Shut up!

God, can you imagine bein' married to that bitch?

Dummy!

Come on, Tim. Hurry up, so we can do this.

Sun's almost up, and my morning sickness is about to kick in.

You do not want to be under me when that happens.

What the hell?

Did I not mention this at dinner?

Tim, I don't think this is gonna work out.

[ Earl Narrating ] Some guy Frank knew named Jasper gave us a thousand bucks for the watch,

and we split it between the four of us.

All right. That's your half, minus 65 for the rent.

Thanks for countin' it out. I like how you did it by twos.

Made it go a lot faster. I had an uncle who taught me that.

He also had this, uh, trick for remembering all the months of the year.

But I can't remember how he did it, so I guess that secret died with him.

Hey, Earl, now that we got some money,

can we get one of them orange, "Right turn, Clyde," Clint Eastwood monkeys?

That way I won't have to eat bananas alone. I hate that you hate bananas.

I'm sorry about that, Randy.

But I think we should do somethin' smarter with the money.

- Hey, Frank, what are you guys gonna buy with your share? - Oh, we're investing it.

Really? Wow, that's pretty smart.

We don't want to be runnin' around stealin' watches for the rest of our lives, right?

- There's no future in it. - Yeah, it's undignified.

Yeah, makes sense. So what are you investin' in? Stocks? Real estate?

No, guns. Two really big guns.

- We're gonna rob an Indian casino. - [ Together ] Cool.

Tell them about Howie. Oh, yeah. We're plannin' the robbery for the same night...

that Howie Mandel's gonna be performin' at the place, so it's gonna be sold out.

- Eh? It's a lot of spinach, you know? - I send for my woman.

She's gonna sneak into the country, then after the robbery,

we're gonna sneak out of the country together.

I know this is more sneaking than she needs to do, but she's a really good sneaker.

You guys are gonna be rich. Hey, Earl, they're gonna be rich.

Hey, listen, uh, we'd like our lives to be better too.

Any chance you'd be willin' to, uh, buy a couple of extra guns...

with our share of the watch money and let us help out?

I guess if there's, uh, four of us gettin' shot at,

then, uh, there's less of a chance that Pac and I are gonna get killed.

- Sure. Why not? - Yes! If we don't die, we're gettin' a monkey.

[ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy made plans for a new life,

Darnell was doin' the same. Okay, son, go ahead.

You see, without fingerprints, you'll be one step closer to eliminating the possibility...

for someone to discover your true identity.

[ Grinding ] By the way, this is optional.

[ Earl Narrating ] And in another part of the world,

Catalina was learnin' that passage to America didn't come cheap.

[ Spanish ]

[ Earl Narrating ] We got our weapons.

But this was a big job, and we didn't want to go off half-cocked.

[ Dog Barks In Distance ]

[ Water Dripping ]

[ Earl Narrating ] So we realized we needed a plan.

It'll be like that. But you know what?

You know, this is, uh-- there's probably better plans to go with,

but this is this permanent marker, so, uh, let's just stick with this.

So, uh, anybody remember what that plan was?

[ Earl Narrating ] It took Frank a while to remember the plan, but he eventually did.

It was cool 'cause we all had disguises.

Frank was a golfer, I was an old man, Paco was my nurse,

and since real hostages fight back, ours was gonna be Randy.

- This wig is itchy. - Well, it's an Indian casino, okay?

They're not gonna give up their money unless they're savin' one of their own.

All right, now, let's do this!

Everybody put your money and jewelry in the wheelchair!

- Otherwise, your homeboy here gets wasted! - Ahh! Help me! Help me!

Someone push the emergency button...

and tell the police they live in the Pimmit Hills Trailer Park!

Okay, um, everyone else, great job. Randy--

Oh, man. Did I say everyone's full name again?

[ Earl Narrating ] The only thing left was to actually do the job.

Joy had another job: to find someone to take care of her baby.

And as the due date drew closer, she was lookin' everywhere.

So, Doc, I don't feel a ring on your finger.

I like this.

We should shoot a hole in the closet so we don't have to open the door to get our coats.

Plus, the milk is nice and warm.

Eighteen hours to go-time, guys, on a big job. Biggest job I've ever had.

Guns. Casinos. Guns. Big job. Big one.

Anybody else throw up twice today?

Hey, Earl, just try and relax, okay?

Now, listen, Paco and I are gonna be in Nathanville tonight.

If this is my last night on earth, I'm gonna go try to meet my son.

Plus, his mom's got a van we could steal.

All right, see you guys at the casino tomorrow, all right?

Oh, God! What's the date on this cereal?

[ Earl Narrating ] While me and Randy were tryin' to chill out before our big day,

Joy was realizin' that she had to get married quick or she was screwed.

And after my 12th upside-down margarita, Joy had me where she wanted me.

And my shotgun casino robbery was replaced by a shotgun wedding.

So I called Randy and let him know that I couldn't get back in time for the robbery,

and he was gonna have to go without me.

No problem. Congratulations.

I-I'll take the bus and meet the guys there.

[ Man On TV ] Coming up next, a Krofft Superstars marathon.

[ Earl Narrating ] Two days later, me and Joy got back to Camden...

to start our new life as husband and wife.

Hey, by the way, what's your last name?

Well, it was Darville, but I guess it's whatever your last name is now.

Oh, yeah. Well, nice to meet you, Mrs. Hickey.

[ Chuckles ] Miss Hickey. That's funny.

Seriously, what's your last name?

[ Rapid Beeping ]

[ Freddy The Flute ] Jimmy, I'll go with you.

[ H.R. Pufnstuf ] Golly. What's wrong with him, Freddy?

- I think he's kinda homesick. Especially today. - [ Beeping Continues ]

You see, it's his birthday. [ Beeping Stops ]

Oh, that's what that beepin' sound was.

I thought it was Jimmy's magic flute,

and I couldn't figure out how come I couldn't find them on the commercials.

- How was the robbery? - Oh, no. I forgot to go.

And those guys never came back?

- I don't think so. - Huh.

Earl, I'm serious. Tell me your real last name.

- I told you, it's Hickey. Joy, this is my brother, Randy. - Hey.

You ain't stayin' here. And I am not gonna be called Miss Hickey.

Took me all of fifth grade to lose that nickname,

and I'm sure as hell not goin' back to it now.

Uh, honey, we live in the kitchen.

When you never came back, we moved into the bedroom and started drivin' your car.

We figured you were livin' on some beach somewhere. I wish.

Uh, yeah, things didn't really, uh, work out the way we planned.

[ Earl Narrating ] Frank explained that the robbery went off without a hitch--

Whoo! and they had made a clean getaway.

* Rolling down the street Smoking indo *

* Sippin' on gin and juice * * Beeyotch *

* With my mind on my money and my money on my mind *

E-E-Excuse me. A-Are you gonna kill me?

Damn. You know, I forgot that you were even back there.

I gotta tell you, we weren't plannin' on taking anybody,

but our fake hostage just didn't show up.

Oh, I see. Uh, s-so where does that leave us...

with the whole killing me or not killing me thing?

I don't know. Why don't you, uh, pop a rubber glove on your head...

and see if it makes me laugh, and we'll talk about it later. [ Laughing ]

* Rolling down the street Smoking indo *

* Sipping on gin and juice *

* Laid back * * With my mind on my money and my money on my mind **

As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner.

All the documents you need are in this envelope.

Cool.

And remember, you can never be Harry Monroe again. You're a totally new person.

Disculpe. Disculpe, señor.

Mira. Yo sé que esto no tiene sentido con-- con este programa...

porque como hemos visto, yo vine después de Y2K,

pero en realidad, ¿quién-- quién pone atención a ese tipo de cosas?

Sorry, sister. I only speak French, Russian and Arabic.

I mean... what up, doll?

Catalina!

[ Country On Radio ] * Smoking indo Sippin' on gin and juice *

[ All Screaming ]

- [ Tires Screeching ] - [ Crash ]

* Rolling down the street Smokin' indo *

* Sippin' on gin and a-- a juice **

An F.B.I. van? I mean, what the hell was an F.B.I. van even doin' in Camden?

They popped us both, and poor Paco never even got to see his old girlfriend again.

- Man. How long you in for? - Twenty years.

Wait a second. So if I hadn't taken this fool to Vegas to get married,

- he'd be in here for 20 years? - Yeah.

Oh, hell. And here I am thinkin' I owe you 'cause you're doin' two years for me.

I saved you 18 years in this hellhole. You owe me.

And you owe the library some clean TV Guides.

[ Chuckles ]

Wow. I think this is the first time I've ever been glad she tricked me into marryin' her.

Whoa! Check out the vagina on Al Roker.