All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E02.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When you're in prison,
nobody trusts you...

to do the simplest things
you used to take for granted.

I don't understand why they're
so touchy about us having
our own nail clippers.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, seems kind of silly.

But last year an inmate
used a pair to cut off
another guy's arm.

Took a week and a half.
Big lawsuit.

Oh, I forgot. I'm supposed
to take you to the warden.

The warden?
Yeah.

I got so caught up
watching you cut your nails,
I lost track of time.

Hey, do you mind if I tell 'em
we're late 'cause you
resisted a little?

I guess not.
Oh, great. Thank you so much.

[ Shouts, Groans ]
Gotta make it believable.

[ Groaning ]
No, no, no. Don't rub it.
It only makes it worse.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It hurt to get Maced
in the eyes,

but Randy missed me so much,
he felt like he'd been Maced
in the heart.

So, hopin' to join me
in prison, he stole a car.

Oh, my God!
I'm stealin' a car!

I'm stealin' a car!
Come and get me!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then he waited
to get arrested.

And waited.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And waited.

And after three days,
he gave up.

Then Randy had another
not-so-good idea.

Excuse me, Officer.
What's the name
of that killer...

that's killin'
all the people
at truck stops?

The Truck Stop Killer.
Oh, yeah. That's me.

We already caught
that guy.
Oh.

See that graffiti over there?
I did that.

Really?

Hey, that's nice work. My wife's
been looking for somebody to do
a mural in the baby's room.

Would you do it
for 50 bucks?

[ Door Buzzes ]

Randy, they're not gonna
send you to prison
for slappin' a cop.

Even if they did, you know
the odds you'd be sent
to the same place as Earl?

- Seven.
- Seven what?

Seven going to prisons.

- That don't even make sense.
- Twelve?

I'm gonna bail you out
because I promised Earl
I'd take care of you,

and I'm a woman of integrity.

Just be thankful
your brother's in prison
for a felony I committed.

My uncle once slapped a cop.
He got 12 years
in a penitentiary.

- Guess what color he was.
- Lucky.

Oh, wait.
That's not a color.

[ Earl Narrating ] As warden,
Jerry Hazelwood was responsible
for overseeing the prisoners.

Thing was, he didn't like
seeing prisoners.

Uh, you wanted to see me,
Warden?

Sir? Sir Warden?

Well, hey.

Nice work on, uh, helping
that Camden Scout fella make
his parole a couple of days ago.

As a reward, I would like to
give you a certificate for one
week off your prison sentence,

and a coupon for a 20% discount
at the prison store.

Wow. A week off my sentence.

Plus, I like
those coffee mugs they sell,

and I always thought
they were about 20% too much.

Well, you were a big help.

Lord knows I need
all the help I can get.

Don't tell anyone,
but this being a prison warden,
it's hard.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The warden used to have
a pretty sweet life.

Then his wife became governor
and ruined all his fun.

[ Woman ] Jerry and I
are honored to be living
in the governor's mansion...

and to be a part of
its distinguished history.
[ Gasps ]

- Oh, Jerry.
- What? I have underwear on.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And so the governor decided
to get Jerry a job.

Unfortunately, the first job
didn't work out.

Training? These guys
don't need training.

We're the National Guard.
We're never gonna fight
in a war.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So his wife made him a warden,

but he just kept
making mistakes.

Like letting a company
hire prison labor
to make something...

that probably shouldn't
be made inside a prison.

And there was his mandatory
"Bring Your Daughter
to Work Day."

[ Screaming ]

And I bet with
that ladder incident,

nobody talks about
the 740 inmates
that didn't escape.

Oh. I like that.

You're a prison half-full
kind of guy.

Anyway, I've got this problem
with these two gangs.

It's kind of
an ebony-ivory sort of thing.

Only the ivory is
a Spanish gang,
so it's ebony-Spanish.

[ Earl Narrating ]
The gangs the warden
was talking about...

had one thing in common--
they hated each other.

So the warden tried to keep
the peace by taking the leader
of the Latin gang, Hector,

and the leader of
the black gang, Jamal,

and locking 'em in solitary
together for a month.

The warden was a big fan of
that TV show The Odd Couple...

and thought if it didn't
work out, at least
there'd be some laughs.

What's up?
[ Grunting ]

All right.
Open it up.

[ Earl Narrating ] Sure enough,
after a month together, they
hated each other more than ever.

The gang violence continued.

You get these two gangs
to stop fighting, I'm gonna
give you another certificate.

This time for one month
off your sentence.

A-A month? I'm in.

All right, just
a little word of advice.

These fellas can smell fear.

You gotta let 'em know
who's boss from jump street.

You gotta stand taller
than they do, you gotta
speak louder than they do.

You gotta be tougher
than they are. You gotta--

[ Shouting ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
The warden was gonna give me
another certificate...

for time off my sentence
if I could stop the gangs
from fightin'.

First thing I had to do was
figure out what started it.

* [ Man ] You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain *
Hey, man, check it out!

* Too much love
drives a man insane *

* You broke my will
but what a thrill *

* Goodness gracious
Great balls of fire *

* I laughed at love 'cause
I thought it was funny *
Balls.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And so I convinced the warden
to get another ball.

That way both gangs could play
and everyone would be happy.

* Goodness gracious
Great balls of fire *

* Kiss me, baby *

* Mmm
Feels good *

Ah!
* Hold me, baby *

* Well, I want to love you
like a lover should *

- * You're fine *
- More balls.

* Got to tell this world
that you're mine, mine
mine, mine *

- * I chew my nails and then
I twiddle my thumbs *
- [ Shouting ]

* I'm real nervous
but it sure is fun *

Too many balls.

Hey, Earl. Your ex-wife
and current brother
are here to see you.

They, uh--
They look mad.

Why can't people just be
nice to each other, Ron?

People need guardin', Earl.
That's all I know about 'em.

* Goodness gracious
Great balls of fire **

I had to go bail out this dummy
and miss my Brazilian wax.

If I go into labor,
I'm gonna be all stubbly
on my home video.

I didn't ask you to bail me out.
You could've gone to Brazil
if you wanted.

[ Sighs ]
So humiliatin'. The police
thought Randy was my husband.

Although they thought
Darnell was my driver.
That was kind of flattering.

- I miss you, Earl.
- That's all he ever talks
about. He's making me crazy.

Randy, I miss you too,
but you gotta get used
to the fact that...

we can't be together
right now.

I brought us a Sno Ball.
We can unscrew it,

and I'll eat the top
and you can eat the inside,

kind of like we used to do
when we were kids.

Oh, God. Somebody turned
the sprinkler on again.

Shut up!
You shut up.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, living in
the trailer together...

wasn't any easier for Joy and
Randy than living in solitary
was for Hector and Jamal.

[ Joy, Randy Arguing ]
Knock it off, both of you.

Randy, I want you to look
at Joy and find one nice thing
to say about her.

Go on.

Well, I suppose
she does have a nice rack.

Was that so hard?

Now, Joy, you say
something nice about Randy.

Well, he has been rememberin'
more to flush the toilet,

especially after a big job.

I'm tryin'.
And I appreciate that.

[ Earl Narrating ]
It was working.
And suddenly I had an idea.

Ron, I have to see the warden.

What? You're leavin'?
What about our snack?

Sorry, Randy.
I'll have to take it with me.

Is that a Sno Ball, Earl?
It sure is, Ron.

Oh, I love Sno Balls,
especially the top part.

Really? 'Cause I only
like the insides.

Here you go.
Oh, thank you.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.

Stupid bad-guy zookeeper's
eatin' my Sno Ball.

[ Earl Narrating ] The warden
was happy to let me use his
office to try my experiment,

mostly 'cause it meant
he could leave
and go see a movie.

Thanks for agreeing not to
kill each other while we try
to work this out.

Now, Hector, I want you
to say one nice thing
about Jamal.

[ Whirring ]

Oh, you don't want to be
photographed saying something
nice about your enemy.

Is that it?

Fine. I'm not givin' up on
you guys. We're gonna stay here
as long as it takes for--

Oh!

So, you're kissin'.

What's with that?

I'm not going to lie
anymore.

Jamal is
my everything.

I can't hear that enough.

[ Earl Narrating ] Then they
explained what really happened
in solitary that month.

Come on!
At first, they did fight.

[ Groaning ]
But after a few days,
they were worn out.

At the beginning,
it was awkward.

Eventually they started
talking, and it turned out
they had a lot in common.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Both of them didn't like spiders
or negative people...

or being startled
while taking drugs.

It sucks.
It does suck.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And a few days later,
well, it was a relationship.

You have incredible eyes.

Fierce, like a eagle,
but soft, like a water bed.

Oh, papi.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When their time
in solitary was up,

they knew they'd have to keep
their feelings secret...

so as to not undermine
their authority as
vicious gang leaders.

Well, I guess
this is it then.
I'm sad.

This time together has been
so special for me.

I'm sad.
[ Guard ]
All right. Open it up.

I'll see you
in my dreams.
I'm sad.

[ Groaning ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
And so they pretended
to still hate each other.

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Earl Narrating ] They
couldn't be together, but they
couldn't stand to be apart.

When their longing for
one another got too great,

well, they got together
the only way they could.

[ Shouting ]

I missed you.
Squeeze my buttocks.

So you make your gangs fight
just so you can have
a few seconds together?

Well, in fairness,
they also enjoy fighting.

You guys should just be honest
about how you feel.

You could be prison
role models.

We could use more of those.
Or one.

You know what, Hector?
I think he's right.
I want to be honest.

I'm sick of livin'
in the shadows.

Puss, we've talked
about this. My gang
will never accept you.

So what? I'm not
good enough for them?

You're just not
the right color,
Jamal.

Plus the gay thing--
They'll think it's icky.

Well, I need more from you
than just an occasional
punch in the throat.

If I can't have that,
then I don't want anything.

Jamal--
Don't.

But y-you-you guys aren't
gonna fight anymore, right?
[ Door Closes ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately,
Jamal felt scorned,

and that meant
all-out war.

Oh, man. I got
a spoon last time.

Hopefully the guy
you're fightin' has soup.

[ Laughs ]

Now, just so we're clear,
you only get a month-off
certificate...

if you increase the peace,
not decrease it.

That I could've done
on my own.
Sir, I'm doin' my best.

Well, your best has gotten me
an infirmary full of
stab wound victims,

not to mention a guy
with a bucket stuck
on his head.

They're not sure
that thing's ever
gonna come off, Earl.

Yeah, they're already
callin' him Buckethead.

Lookit,
I'll level with ya.

I have a fraternity reunion
coming up, and if
I'm not employed,

Slime Cracker and Man Boobs
are gonna tease
the crap out of me.

I'll fix it.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While things were getting worse
in prison,

they were finally getting better
for Joy and Randy.

Joy, I have a question,
and Darnell won't help me.

It's a book, Randy.
I know.

I figure the only way
I can be with Earl is to try
to become a prison guard.

I think it's a dangerous job
for him. I mean, look
at his reaction time.

Randy, I'm going
to slap you.

- Ow.
- He's like a snake
in winter.

Is this a full-time job
that'll get you
out of the house...

so I don't have to stare at you
sittin' on my couch all day
like a uncooked biscuit?

Yes, and part of
what you just said
hurt my feelings.

I'm sorry, Randy.
Let me make up for it
by helping you study.

We'll start slow.

"True or false--
If I was held hostage,
I would sue the city."

False?
That's right.

[ Earl Narrating ]
If I was gonna fix
the gang problem,

I needed to fix
the romance problem.

I started by stealing
Jamal's sweaty shirt.

Since Jamal was the one
feelin' scorned, I had to get
Hector to make the first move.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Man ]
* Lord, oh, yeah *

[ Man On P.A. ]
Lights out.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Next I talked to Homer,
who works in the prison laundry.

Other than once killing
nine people on a party boat,
he's a real nice guy.

* Don't look to
those above you *

* When you're down and out *

* There ain't no doubt *

* Nobody wants you *

* But you're rock candy
baby *

* You're hard, sweet
and sticky *

- Thanks, man.
- * Yes *

* You're rock candy, baby *

* Hard, sweet and sticky *

[ Earl Narrating ]
While Hector was watching
Jamal lick his ice cream,

Randy was hoping he could
lick his prison guard test.

Then he waited
for the results.

* Sticky **
Are you Randy Hickey?

Tell me I didn't
get that one wrong.

Mr. Hickey, you scored 55%.

I think I'd like
to play the race card.
How do I do that?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Randy might not have gotten
the results he wanted,

but it looked like
I was starting to get
the results I wanted.

I miss Jamal.
Go talk to him.

Tell him you want him back,
and then your gangs
can stop fighting.

[ Hector ]
Nah, I can't go over there.

His people
will kill me.

You tell him. I'll write down
what I want you to say.

All right, but since
I have to read this,
nothin' too embarrassing.

"You're my pouty-lipped
he-slut,

my chocolate-covered
man candy."

You know what? I'm gonna
just cut to the chase.

Hector's sorry
and he wants you back.

He broke my heart, Earl.
I could never trust him again.

Tell him it's over,
and then kiss him hard for me.

And squeeze his nipples.
He likes that.

That's all he said--
it's over?
Yep.

But that's no reason
to keep fightin'.
These things happen.

Sometimes people
just can't be together.
I can't live without him, Earl.

Well, there's times
we all have to live
without the people we love.

That-That's what sadness
is all about.

Would you want to live in
a world without sadness?

Without sadness,
we wouldn't know joy or love,

and love is what
makes life worth--

Ooh.
[ Alarm Buzzes ]

Tell Jamal
I'll always love him.

Hector, where you going?
We're all lining up for lunch.

Come on.
Fish sticks!

[ Earl Narrating ] It turned out
Hector would rather die
than live without Jamal.

[ Electricity Crackling ]

And seeing that made Jamal
realize that he couldn't live
without Hector either.

- So he tried to get him
off the fence.
- [ Cheering ]

Jamal's gang assumed he was
just beating a sworn enemy
as he was being electrocuted,

which they thought was cool.
[ Groans ]

[ Men ]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hector, you crazy fool.
I can't go on
without you, Jamal.

Then be with me always.
We'll find a way.
I love you.

And you're the first thing
I've ever said that to
that I haven't killed.

Yeah!
[ Men Cheering ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Grunts ]
Oh, my God.

[ Earl Narrating ] With Hector
and Jamal back together,
I convinced the warden...

to let 'em use his office
once a month to work out
the gangs' differences,

alone and in private.
[ Clattering ]

That sounds like
it's gonna be
a tough negotiation.

I would not wanna be
in the middle of those two.

Nope, 'cause they're
definitely fightin' in there.
[ Objects Clattering ]

That's-That's what's happening--
Two straight guys fightin'.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And with Hector and Jamal able
to be together every month,

the gang violence stopped,
and I earned another month
off my sentence.

Congratulations, Earl.

So what are you gonna do
with your five weeks off?

Well, it's almost two
years away, so--
Fine. Don't tell me.

We'll just be work friends.
I get it.

[ Man ]
* Gotta get a message *

* Get it on through *

* Oh, now, mama
don't you ask me why *
[ Chattering ]

* Whoa, oh, whoa
Listen to the music *

* Whoa, whoa
Listen to the music *

* Oh, whoa
Listen to the music *

* All the time *

[ Earl Narrating ] It felt good
to see everyone on the yard
finally getting along.

It also felt good
to realize that no matter
how difficult it may be,

if two people really
wanna be together, well,
they'll somehow find a way.

Hey, Earl.
Hey, Randy.

Randy?
I took the guard test
and got 55 "percents."

That's the highest score
they've had this year.

And my cholesterol tests
were off the charts.
Huh.

Hey, Earl.
Keep walkin', Ron.

* There ain't nothin'
we can do or say *

* Feeling good
Feeling fine *

* Oh, baby
let the music play **