All language subtitles for My.Name.Is.Earl.S03E01.1080p.WEBRip.x265-KONTRAST

You know the kind of guy
who confesses to a crime
he didn't commit...

so his ex-wife
won't have to go to prison?

The kind of guy who leaves
his brother all alone...

and his friends
with nothin' to jump for?

Well, that's me.
And for the next two years,

my name is
inmate number 28301-016.

I survived
my first night in prison,
but I was terrified,

wondering what the next
729 days had in store.

But I was hopin' I'd be okay,
since I had my good friend Ralph
with me to watch my back.

Hey, Ralph.

Come on. Out of your bunk.
Hands off junk.

[ Whimpering ]
Oh, my God.

[ Ralph's Voice ] Hey, buddy.
If you're readin' this,
by now you know I'm long gone.

I had to get out of
this godforsaken hellhole.

I would have taken you with me,
but I got hungry last night,
and I ate the other melon.

Sorry about that.
Your buddy, Ralph.

P.S. I made a mouth hole
in the melon for you,
if you get my drift!

Rock and roll!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Turns out Ralph
paroled himself...

and left me with nothin' but
a broken watermelon head
and a lot of explaining to do.

Hey!
Escape attempt,
Cell Block 7.

[ Alarm Blaring ]

Oh, no. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no!

[ Man On P.A. ] Lockdown.
Lockdown. Escape attempt.
[ Earl Groaning ]

** [ Rock ]
** [ Men Vocalizing ]

[ Man ]
Move it.

** [ Continues ]

[ Earl Narrating ] Since there
was a hole in my cell, I was
moved to general population.

So I went from
sharin' a private cell
with my childhood friend...

to joinin'
a two-year slumber party
with murderers and rapists.

[ Man ]
* I don't have
your lovin' anymore *

[ Earl Narrating ] I'd been to
county lockup plenty of times
but never been to prison.

And prison life
took some gettin' used to.

A typical day in prison
can be broken down
into several activities.

First, you wake up and make sure
nothing's happened to your
two most important things.

[ Sobbing ]

Next, you head over to
the mess hall for breakfast.

Hey. Gonna eat
your steak?

[ Earl Narrating ]
Then you spend most of your day
tryin' not to get too bored.

Seven.
No.

Three.
No.

Five.
No.

- Six.
- No.

- Two.
- No.

Nine.
Nice.

* Well, I want you, baby
and that's all *

[ Earl Narrating ]
Finally, it's time for bed.

And that's the hardest time of
all, because then you're alone
with just your thoughts.

* Hear me crying, baby
Hear me crying *
[ Man Sobbing ]

[ All Sobbing ]

The only thing that breaks
the routine is when one prisoner
tries to kill another.

If you're lucky,
you're not the victim.

[ Alarm Blaring ]
[ Man ]
Lockdown.

Lockdown.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But no matter what,
you still get punished.

And everyone gets searched.

Thoroughly searched.
Gigitty-goo!

Not surprisingly,
prison was turning out
to be a miserable place.

But the one bright spot
was visiting day, when I got to
see my friends.

Some friends I got to see
more of than others.

I don't think you realize what
you're doin' to these prisoners,
comin' in dressed like that.

I don't like to change at work.
There's a new girl
who steals your pants...

and then sells them back to you
at unreasonable prices.

What do you
got there, Randy?
Oh, I'm not ready yet, Earl.

You go ahead, Darnell.
Here you go, Earl.

Sometimes incarcerated people
like yourself use their time in
prison to get closer with God.

Those are some books
I found to be helpful on
my journey to find religion.

Holy Bible.

The Torah.

Are You There, God?
It's Me, Margaret.

Thanks, Crabman.

Shalom, Earl.
So where's Joy?

She's feelin' pretty guilty
about you goin'
to prison for her.

She didn't want to come
empty-handed.
[ Joy ] I give up.

I am just not crafty.
What's the matter, baby?

This damn glass portrait
of Earl.

I just can't make it
give off his
angelic essence.

I even stoled half this glass
from a church window.

I like it. It looks exactly
like Earl would look if he was
made out of glass.

Does it matter
if you like it, Darnell?

Were you the shining hero that
sacrificed your freedom to save
me from a life in prison,

havin' to pee in front of
a short-haired woman
named Trudy?

This is not
good enough for Earl.
I hate it!

I'll get the broom.

She'll come visit, once
the search for the church window
thief dies down.

There's a lot of
heat right now.

It could be a while.
They were Lutherans.

Okay. Everybody quiet.
It's my turn.

First question.
"Where do we hide
the toothpaste?"

Behind the mirror.

The bathroom mirror.
It pulls open from the left.

Cool!
A secret compartment.

Your visiting time is over.

- Thanks for coming, guys.
- What? No.

Darnell talked the whole
time. I hardly got to ask
any of my questions.

Wait. Earl.
How do you set the alarm clock?

And what's our
apartment number again?

I miss you.

[ Earl Narrating ] I would've
worried more about how Randy
was gonna make it on his own,

but I was more worried
how I was gonna survive.

When you're
the new guy in prison,
everyone sizes you up,

and they test you daily.

One thing I do know
is you can't let people
think you're a punk.

And I'd always heard
the best way
to earn respect in prison...

is to walk up to
the biggest guy and punch him
as hard as you can.

[ Man ]
* I got the pedal to the floor

* My life is runnin' faster

* I'm out of money
out of hope *

* It looks like
self-destruction **

[ Earl Narrating ]
Unfortunately, the closer I got,
the bigger he seemed,

- and I lost my nerve.
- Hello.

The problem is, gangs in prison
are divided up like my dad's
sock drawer: by color.

I was too white
to join the Latino gang,

the Asian gang
or the black gang,

and not white enough
to join the albino gang.

I'm tellin' you, man.
We gotta take back
the shady part of the yard.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I went with the only gang
that might take me:

the white supremacists.

Which meant unlearnin' what
every Afterschool Special had
taught me: "Don't be yourself."

Hey. Who else thinks
the Civil War ain't over,
it's just halftime?

All right.

I'm just sayin' I don't see
why I have to shave my head.

Hate's in your heart,
not in your hair.

Forget it. I'm out.

Geez, you'd think
the superior race wouldn't be
so threatened by new ideas.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I had just about given up hope
of findin' a gang to join...

when finally I saw a crowd
I thought I could hang with.

The old-timers.

The one group that had
obviously figured out
how to survive in prison.

Come on.
You can't put me all in.
You only got one cashew.

Hey, guys.
Got room for one more?

Sure thing, young man.
Take a seat.

[ Sighs ]
I'm Charlie.
This is Whiskey Pete,

Philadelphia Mike,
John and Skinny John...

and Old Dirty Neck.

[ Chuckles ]
That sure is one dirty neck.

I'm Skinny John,
you jackass.

[ Earl Narrating ]
They may not have been
the toughest gang,

but they were a gang,
and they had obviously figured
out how to survive in prison,

and that made me feel safer.

Greta Garbo, Judy Garland
and Mae West.

That's easy.
I'd take Greta Garbo
for a milk shake,

Mae West to the drive-in,
and I'd kill Judy Garland.

Who would you take
to the drive-in, Earl?

No, that's okay.
You guys play.

What's the matter?
Don't you like broads?
No, I love broads.

What, then?
You don't like talkin'
about killin' broads?

I don't know. It just
seems kind of creepy, 'cause
all those broads are dead.

- What?
- Oh, my God! Was there
a plane crash or somethin'?

How long have
you guys been in here?

[ Earl Narrating ]
And then I realized
the reason...

these guys let me in their gang
wasn't for my survival--
it was for theirs.

You're not takin' our nuts
anymore, you big palooka!

We got us
some young blood now!

Get him, Earl!

[ Groans ]

Pistachio?

You like it?
I used up all my felt.

It's amazing. These are all
scenes from my life?

Yeah. It's like
a straight version of
one of those AIDS quilts.

Thank you, Joy.
I won't forget this.

[ Chuckles ]
That's when I got chicken pox.
And you were...

off bangin' Darnell.

Well, I was tryin'
to be accurate.

Thanks.

You hate it.
I knew you'd hate it.

Joy, I don't hate it.
I said it was nice.

No, I see how it is.
I mean, you like me
feeling guilty.

No matter how many
of the kids' winter coats
I cut up for you,

we'll never be even,
because you like holdin' this
over my head, don't you?

Well, bravo,
you son of a bitch!

- Bravo!
- Do I have time for
a question right now?

Wait your damn turn,
you stupid yeti.
By the way,

would you tell your brother to
stop callin' every 20 minutes,
askin' what time it is?

- Dumb-ass already lost his job.
- That's 'cause no one will
show me how to set this thing.

- I'm not a scientist.
- Okay, Randy,

what's your question?

[ Clears Throat ]

"Can I borrow money
for the vending machine?"

You're the one with access
to the bank account.

The bank closes at 5:00.
My clock always says
it's 12:00 a.m.

You want some change?

- Go fetch.
- [ Coins Clink ]

I swear,
that boy's not gonna
survive without you.

He keeps carrying around
one of your old shirts
'cause he misses your smell.

Yeah, he seems to be havin'
a little trouble lettin' go.

Hey, Earl.
Hey, Randy.

How'd you sleep last night?
It was scary out here.
I saw a possum.

Wait a second.
If you want things
to be even with us,

how about you let Randy
move in with you,
keep an eye on him for me?

Oh, hell, no. On the way
over here, he got his hand
stuck in the tape deck.

I can't put up with that crap.
Come on, Joy. You said
you wanted to even the score.

I mean,
this could really help.

All right.
I'll do it.

Joy, can you throw
more money on the floor?

I want to get myself
an ice cold drink.

You know what?
This might be fun.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Now that I knew Randy
would be looked out for,

I could get back to figuring out
how to look out for myself.

[ Groans ]

Sonny?

Sonny was a guy I used to play
a game called Beer Can Tag with
back in the day.

I got you, Earl.
You're it. You're it!

Ain't no use runnin', fool.
I know where your mama
parks your house!

[ Earl Narrating ]
After that,
Sonny just disappeared.

Well, everybody's always askin'
what happened to you.

Oh, yeah?
I mean, for the first
couple weeks anyway.

Then, you know,
life goes on.
Yeah.

Can't believe you got two
years in prison for hittin'
a cop with an empty beer can.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, well, I also kind of
wrestled the cop's gun away,

and then, you know, drove
around with him in the trunk
of his own car for a few hours.

[ Chuckles ]
It was a crazy day.

How come this is
the first time I've seen you?

Because this is the first time
I wanted you to see me.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
Sonny figured out another way
to survive in prison:

be invisible.

And he agreed to teach me
how to do it.

I learned things like
two fat guys sittin' on a bench
didn't have to be scary.

They could also be
a nice shady place
to hide and play cards.

[ Man ]
* Pretty soon
I'll be scratching fleas *

* Move it on over

* Slide it on over

* Move over, nice dog
A mean ol' dog is movin' in *

And if you didn't mind
scorching hot water
and wrinkled feet,

you could hide out in
the showers practically all day.

* Move it on over

And if you can deal
with not chewin' your food
and a little indigestion,

you don't have to spit
on your lunch so no one
will take it from you.

* Move over, cool dog
A hot dog's movin' in **

No, no, no, no, no.
You press the set time
button to set the time,

and you press the set alarm
button to set the alarm.

Oh. Set the time
to set the time.

Set the alarm
to set the alarm.

Why didn't you
tell me it rhymes?

There you go.
You have a good night.

And if you need anything,
we'll be right back there.

If possible, could you try not
to need anything for the next
20 minutes or so?

We're gonna go...
balance the checkbook.

No, wait. Look.

Earl usually talks to me
till I fall asleep.

The checkbook.
I've got to transfer
some funds, baby.

I'll be right in.
You go sharpen your pencil.

You know we're not really
balancing the checkbook,
right?

Okay, you got three minutes,
or else he finishes without me.

- What do you
want to talk about?
- Time travel.

- No. Horses.
- All right. Horses.

No, no, no, no.
Sea horses.

Sea horses in space.

Travel--
No, time travel.

So you got a girl waitin'
for you on the outside?

Well, I was startin' to see
this deaf lawyer lady,

but once I got into prison,
we decided to start seein'
other people.

That's kind of
a better deal for her.

Yeah, I figured that out, but it
was after I'd already agreed.
Oh.

Sorry, man.

No problem.
You're new here, right?

Want a candy bar?
Really?

- Thanks.
- No! Walk away.

[ Mouths Word ]
[ Whispers ]
Walk away.

What part of
"stay invisible"
don't you understand?

It was just a candy bar.
Just a candy bar?

Wake up, man.
You almost fell for the oldest
prison scam there is.

He wants you to
owe him something. Today
he "gives you" a Snickers bar,

and tomorrow he's gonna
expect a Zagnut bar.

Do you know where to get
a Zagnut bar, Earl?
No.

Damn. 'Cause I owe a guy one.
I don't even know
if they make 'em anymore.

See, some guy gave me a candy
bar once-- a real maniac--
and now I owe him a favor.

In prison,
a favor can get you killed.

So, trust me.
Do not owe anybody anything,
and stay invisible.

You might make it
out of here in one piece.

Oh, crap.

What's wrong?
That's Glen Shipley.
I know him.

[ Earl Narrating ]
When I knew Glen,
he was a Camden Scout.

Even though you only had to
wear your uniform if you were
goin' to a Scout meeting,

Glen was so proud,
he wore it every day.

You see, the regular Scouts
left Camden County
years before...

when a local militia group
got caught usin' the Scouts
to round up illegal aliens.

[ Chattering ]

** [ Punk Rock ]

[ Men ]
* Hey, ho

[ Earl Narrating ]
So in Camden
we had Camden Scouts.

And back when I was an amateur
criminal, I often used them
as unknowing accomplices.

So what happened was
I lost my keys,

and I need to get in there,
so I can get my TV and VCR...

and anything else expensive
I happen to see.

If I boost you up through
the window, will you climb in
and open the door for me?

Well, the Camden Scout motto
is Always Be Helpful.

* Hey, ho

* Let's go
[ Crashes ]

[ Dogs Barking ]
Oh, God! Oh, God!
It's got my neckerchief!

* Hey, ho
Let's go *
[ Screaming ]

Wow. Seems like that guy
should be on your list.

He is. I think he's number
one hundred and somethin'.

- Do you think
he still remembers you?
- I don't plan to find out.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I'd never turned my back
on someone on my list before.

It just wasn't like me.

But I realized that if I was
gonna survive in prison,

I wasn't gonna be able
to be like myself.

Our fat guys are on the move.
Get ready to hitch a ride.

Sonny?

I see you,
Earl Hickey!

[ Shouts ]

- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- [ Man ]
Lockdown.

Lockdown.

Hands where
I can see 'em.
I'm comin' for you, Earl!

I'm gonna rip off your ears
and shove 'em up your butt...

just so you can
hear me kickin' your ass!

[ Earl Narrating ]
In prison, when they want you
to cool off,

they put you in somethin'
called the hotbox.

Which doesn't make
much sense, but...

neither does puttin' a bunch
of violent criminals together...

and expectin' them
not to break the rules.
Where are you, Earl Hickey?

I'm gonna find you!

I'm gonna track you down
and wear your pelt!

I see you!

You're hidin' behind
the fat guy.

Now you're hidin'
behind the skinny guy.

That doesn't even
make sense.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Sonny had ratted me out,
and I wanted to know why.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Remember I told you I had
owed some guy a Zagnut bar?

Well, Glen is the guy.
I should kick your ass!

Shh!

Look.
You're makin' a scene.

Invisible.
Invisible. Invisible.

Invisible?
You blew that for me.

Now Glen can see me
clear as day.

Yeah, but I'm still invisible.

Come on. Please.

Okay.

Okay, look. I'm tryin' to stay
calm with this here.

What are we gonna do
about this?

Sonny?

Sonny?
Son of a bitch!

- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- [ Man ]
Lockdown.

[ Earl Narrating ]
All I would've had to do
was stay away from Glen.

But as it turned out,
karma had a different plan.

- You're a dead man,
Earl Hickey!
- Holy Moses!

I'm gonna kill you, Earl!
I'm gonna rip off your face
and wear it to the Ugly Ball!

That's scary and hurtful,
Glen.
You're a dead man.

[ Earl Narrating ] My Uncle
Roger once had a pet pig.
Mostly it was an okay animal,

but when it got mad,
you just had to stand back
and let it squeal itself out.

So I decided to handle
Glen the same way.

I'm gonna wear you
like a puppet on my fist,

and then get in a punch fight
with a man made of razor blades!

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was tryin' to keep
from gettin' killed by Glen,

Joy was tryin' to keep Randy
from gettin' killed by Randy.

Whoa! Whoa!
What the hell are you doin'?
[ Horn Honks ]

Oh, my God.
You almost walked out
in front of that truck.

Oh, I don't look
where I'm goin'.
It's kind of my thing.

But just let me know if I'm
about to walk into somethin',
like Earl does.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Although she was discovering
that Randy took...

a lot more taking care of
than she expected.

It's so beautiful.

Randy!
That thing zaps bugs.

What do you think it's
gonna do to your finger?

Yeah, you're right.

Randy!

For the love of God,
pick something.

I'm sorry.
I usually just order
what Earl gets.

[ Darnell ]
Well, Randy,
I talked to the prison,

and they said Earl was having
duck à l'orange and caviar pie.

I think the guy was being
facetious, but we don't have it
anyway, so it doesn't matter.

We may not know
what Earl would order,

but we could find out what
Little Earl would order.

Stop it. He is gettin' way too
dependent on that thing.

Grilled cheese
looks pretty good, Randy.

[ Earl Narrating ] And after
two days, the only thing keepin'
Joy from killin' Randy...

was the promise
she made to me.

All right. Fine.
I'll warn you if you're
about to walk into somethin'.

Don't walk.

Okay, walk. Go.

Go. Go!

Go, go, go!

I feel like
I'm playing Frogger.

[ Earl Narrating ] Turns out
Glen had a little bit more
stamina than Uncle Roger's pig.

Probably 'cause
Glen didn't smoke.

I'm gonna yank out
your skeleton,

like a cartoon bear
eatin' a fish,

and use it
to beat your soul!

I'm gonna stick a broom
down your throat,

flip you upside down,
take you to the barber,
sweep up all the dirty hair.

I'm gonna rip off your skin,
wear it like a tracksuit,

and then I'm gonna
roll around in broken glass,
and then put you back in it!

I'm gonna rip off your hands,
put 'em where your feet go,

rip off your feet,
put 'em where your hands go,

and I'm gonna point at you,
and I'm gonna laugh.

[ Earl Narrating ]
But eventually, even tar-free
lungs wear themselves out.

I'm gonna rip out your hair,
put it in a jar.

I don't know.

Mail it to the pope.

With a salmon.

Glen,

first I'd like to say that I'm
impressed with the creative ways
you thought of killin' me.

The one with my heart
as a cue ball and apes
playin' pool-- scary.

But are you sure
you got the right guy?

I mean, I vaguely remember
hearin' about you
fallin' in a window,

and maybe-- I don't know--
somethin' about a dog
or somethin'.

"Somethin' about a dog"?

There were two of 'em,
attacking me.

They fought over my body!

[ Earl Narrating ]
That's when I found out the dog
attack was just the beginning.

[ Screaming ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Glen was arrested
for breaking and entering,

burglary and vandalism.

[ Dog Barking ]
And when the police dog broke
a tooth on his shinbone,

he was also charged
with assaulting an officer.

That stupid judge sent me
to Juvie for six months.

Got in a fight, got more time,
got in another fight,
slimed a guard,

tried to escape,
got out,

stole something,
went back in, got out,

robbed a mini-mall,
threw rocks at the mayor.

Hell, if I think about it,
Earl, everything
I did was your fault.

Well, I don't know
if you can really blame me
for everything.

- I mean, personal choice
seems to have--
- Son of a bitch!

I will twist your yam sack
like a balloon animal!

Okay, okay!
You know, on second thought,

I can see how you could
connect the dots like that.

Look. How about I do
somethin' to make us even?

Like, uh,

I hear you like candy bars.

I got some people
on the outside who could
track down a-- a Zagnut.

Make me a shiv.
A shiv? Like a knife?

Or like an ice pick.
Or an ax. Or a cheese slicer.
Surprise me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Generally I tried
not to break rules...

in order to cross things
off my list.

But I wasn't as worried
about my list as I was
about surviving.

And besides,
I wasn't me anymore.

I was prisoner
number 28301-016.

Okay, a shiv it is.

[ Randy ]
Hey, Joy?

Joy. Joy. Joy.

Joy. Joy. Joy.

What, Randy?

Do you know
if that TV show Riptide
is gonna be on tonight?

I swear to God, Darnell.
I can't keep livin'
like this.

That show hasn't been on
for 20 years.

Oh. Then what's
the show I'm thinkin' of?

You know,
the one with the monkey.

- I think he means
B.J. and the Bear.
- Don't you dare tell him that.

Once he knows,
he'll start tellin' us
about every episode.

Oh, wait. I think it's
B.J. and the Bear.
Damn it.

Remember the one
where they were drivin'
that semi together?

[ Sighs ]
Okay. That's it.
This ends now.

Push.

Joy, why would B.J.
name his monkey Bear?

Because B.J. was a huge Alabama
fan, and he named him after the
legendary coach Bear Bryant.

You happy?
Now listen. We gotta talk.

As you know,
I promised Earl I would
take care of you--

- And I really
appreciate it, Joy.
- Not done yet.

But after the last few days,
I've realized something.

You're not just dumb.
You're broken.

Like a daddy longlegs after
the kids pull his legs off.

It's just a little
vibratin' ball that can't do
nothin' for itself. That's you.

I'm a spider ball?

Yeah. And you're a burden
to your brother. I could
babysit you for two years,

but when Earl
gets out of prison,
you wouldn't be any better.

And you don't want to be
albacore around your brother's
neck, do you?

No.

Is this because
I peed on the kids?

It was the middle
of the night.
I took a wrong turn.

It's because of
a lot of things, Randy.
Like...

that dumb look you got
on your face all the time.

Or the fact that...

you think there's
a left sock and a right sock.

But don't you worry.

We're gonna work everything out,
startin' with this
late-night talkin'.

Oh, you can't
breathe because of your
deviated septum, can you?

I saw that on MASH. Night.

[ Randy Panting ]

[ Earl Narrating ]
Since it was my first time in
the cage, I got out before Glen,

who, from what I heard,
seemed to spend more time
in there than his cell.

To survive in prison,
I needed to stay invisible.

But I also needed
to get Glen a shiv.

I was familiar with
the different types of shivs.

There was the sharpened
toothbrush, the razor comb.

There was the
Tighty-Whitey-Mighty-Fighty
somehow made out of underwear.

There was even one
made out of soap.

But the one made out of soap
had its downside.

I decided I was gonna
make Glen's with an arm
from a pair of glasses.

- I was gonna call it
the Peeper Reaper.
- How about you?

Would you hate
Martin Luther King more
if he'd been Indian?

Okay, yeah.
I'd hate him more
if he'd been Indian.

Unless he was Cherokee.

A Cherokee once saved
my black grandpa
from drowning.

Oops.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was relieved...

when a couple days later
Glen got out of the hotbox.

Mostly 'cause I wanted him
out of my life.

But also because
when you hide a shiv
in your pants for two days,

you can't help
but have a few mishaps.
You got it?

Nice.
Thanks. I made it out of
a pair of glasses.

Sharpened it on the asphalt.

Then I wrapped one of my socks
around it for a handle.

You could stab all day
and not get a blister.

[ Earl Narrating ] I hoped karma
would understand I had no choice
but to give Glen that shiv.

[ Screams ]

[ Alarm Blaring ]
[ Man On P.A. ]
Lockdown. Lockdown.

Mother!
[ Earl Narrating ]
She didn't.

After Glen stabbed me,
I realized two things.

Until I did my list item right,
karma wasn't gonna let me
be invisible.

- And prison
health care sucks.
- Okay. You're done.

There may be some shiv left
in the bone, so if your arm
turns black, tell a guard.

That was quite a shiv.
Thank you.

Wow. That Glen's
got the worst luck.

Excuse me?

Every year,
when he's up for parole,
somebody pisses him off,

and he breaks
one of the big seven.
The big seven?

Things that keep you
from getting out.

You know, stabbing, burning,
biting, strangling,

eye-gouging, scalping
and taking a poop
in the urinal.

Wait. So he messes up right
before parole every time?

- Why would he do that?
- You know what I figured out
about prison?

There are a lot of guys
in here without clearly
thought-out plans.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Glen didn't want to
get out of prison,

and I wanted to know why.

And finally, after hours of
wandering, my fat guy walked
by the hotbox so I could ask.

Hey, Glen. You got a minute?

[ Groans ]
What the hell do you want?

Look. I'm not gonna beat
around the bush, Glen.

I think you've been blowin'
your parole on purpose,
and I want to know why.

[ Groaning ]

[ Man ]
* Pleased to meet you

* Hope you guess my name

Look. Just hear me out
before you kill me.

[ Earl Narrating ]
So I took the plunge and did...

what I should've done
the first time I saw Glen.

I told him all about my list
and how he was on it. And how if
I was gonna be right with karma,

I had to do
somethin' better than a shiv
to make it up to him.

You really got a list of bad
things you make up for?

Yeah. I even helped
a whole town of circus freaks.

Damn it. Not supposed to
call 'em freaks.

Irregular Americans.

Well, I don't give
a sand-covered cat's crap
if you know.

Yeah, I'm blowin' parole.

Why?

'Cause life on the outside
ain't no good for me no more.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Glen told me how,
when he first got into Juvie,

he was so worried
about surviving,
he changed the way he was...

and did things to make himself
look as tough as he could.

Like gettin' tattoos
before he even knew
what cusswords were.

* But what's confusing you

* Is just the nature of

And after years of changing
himself, he was so believable
as a badass,

it's how people
on the outside saw him too.

* Just as every cop
is a criminal *

- Can I help you?
- * And all the sinners saints

- I'm lookin' for a job.
- Please don't hurt me.
I don't want to die.

My PIN number's 8432.

* 'Cause I'm in need
of some restraint *

* So if you meet me

[ Earl Narrating ]
Even when he was doin'
somethin' good,

like goin' back to the liquor
store to tell 'em how they'd
given him too much change,

people still judged him
on how he looked.

* All your well-learned
politesse *

* Or I'll lay your
soul to waste *

[ Earl Narrating ]
It didn't take long before
a badass criminal...

was the only way
Glen saw himself.

So that's how he acted.

* But what's puzzling you

* Is the nature of my game *

Every time he got out,
he'd take one look at himself
and do the same thing.

Again and again and again.

Until he decided to stop
wasting everyone's time
and just stay in prison.

My God, Glen.
I-- I feel terrible.

All this stuff is my fault.

It's my fault you got locked up,
and it's my fault
you're afraid to get out.

I'm afraid of no man!
[ Echoes ]

[ Stammers ]
Afraid to get out.
I said afraid to get out.

Oh, yeah.
Well, that's true.

[ Earl Narrating ] The next day,
Glen got out of the box, and
I had a chance to tell him...

I wanted to do somethin'
to help him live
on the outside again.

I want to do somethin' to help
you live on the outside again.
That'd be cool.

Somethin' big. I mean,
I practically
took your life.

I always wanted
to go to Mars.

Smaller.
Somethin' smaller.

I'm out of stamps.

Okay, somethin' between
stamps and Mars.

Somethin' important to you.

Maybe, uh, somethin'
you cared about before
you became a criminal.

I know.

My Camden Scout badges.

Camden Scout badges?
How's that gonna help you?

If I hadn't gone to Juvie,

I would've been
the first kid in Camden
to get a-- an honor sash.

I was only two badges away.

God, I miss bein'
a Camden Scout.

My neckerchief fluttering
in the morning breeze.

Sneakin' upstairs during
meetings to smell the
scoutmaster's daughter's shoes.

And the knots, Earl.

The knots I could tie.

[ Earl Narrating ] It was
the second time Glen asked me
to do somethin' for him.

But from the look in his eyes,
I knew it was the first time
I was gonna do it right.

All right. I'm in.
Where do we start?

I need my
archaeology badge.

We could dig
in the west yard.

We'd just have to talk to
those guys over there.
They control it.

[ Earl ]
The albinos?

And I need
my natural science badge.

That's bug collecting.
That should be pretty easy.
The barracks are--

Most of 'em are infested.

You just gotta
make deals with the gangs
that control 'em.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Lookin' around that yard,
I knew I was in trouble.

Not only was I gonna lose
my last bit of invisibility,

I was gonna have to make
deals with the most dangerous
people in the place.

If karma was plannin'
on killin' me,
I was hopin' she'd do it quick.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was about to go against
everything Sonny had taught me.

Owin' favors
would make you the most
visible you could become.

And I was about to
owe a lot of 'em.
Excuse me.

What do you want,
Hawaiian Tropics?

Um, I'm helpin' a guy get
his archaeology badge
for Camden Scouts.

Nerd.
Yeah.

Anyway, uh, we need
someplace to dig,

and I hear this
is the best spot,

so I guess what I'm saying
is... I need a favor.

Okay. We want umbrellas.
Eight of 'em.

Okay.

[ Earl Narrating ]
While I was puttin' my faith
in karma to keep me safe,

Joy was puttin' her faith
in a different power:
tough love.

Gotta learn
to think on his own.
Make his own choices.

[ Men ]
* You, who are on your own

[ Electricity Crackles ]
[ Randy Whimpers ]

* Must have a code

* That you can live by
Tough love, Darnell.
Tough love.

* And so

[ Earl Narrating ] Joy had a lot
of faults, but she did have
a natural gift for teaching.

* Because the past
is just a good-bye *

And while Randy
may have been a slow learner,
Joy kept after him,

teaching him things
he should've learned
a long time ago,

like clothes you find
in the gutter might be free,

but, well, they're probably
not disease-free.

Or how to make
his brain and his belly
communicate better.

I'll have the chicken.

No, wait.
Uh, the crab claws.

No.

- How's the tuna salad?
- Not as good as
the chicken salad,

but better than gettin'
smacked in the neck with
a big-ass rubber band.

Hmm.

Choose, dummy!
God, think for yourself!

Take the crab claws.

- ¡Ay!
- I'll have what
the puppet's having.

[ Earl Narrating ]
And eventually all that pain
turned into some gain.

* Did slowly go by *

You stopped!

Did you do that on purpose
or on accident?

Don't you lie to me.
On purpose.

My brain told my feet
to stop, and they did.

My brain's never been smarter
than my feet before.
I'm proud of you, Randy.

Now if we can just get you
to stop walkin' around
with your brother's shirt...

like a giant-headed
hillbilly Linus,
you'll be fixed.

[ Earl Narrating ]
I was havin' success too,

although I knew every deal
I made was another favor I owed.

I need some spoons
to dig with.
Escape?

Archaeology.

I don't know that word.

But you know spoons,
though, right?

Okay. Okay, you got it.

But I need a favor. I want you
to get everyone out of this
prison for an entire day...

so I can have
this place to myself.

- Okay. I'll work on that.
- [ Man ]
* As soon as you are able

[ Earl Narrating ]
And with every favor I asked,
I felt a little less safe.

Anyway, I'm gonna need
some brushes to clean off...

whatever we find
when we dig for archaeology.

You got it.

But I'm gonna need you to
take care of my dog Simon.

* Same old story

* Oh, turn some pages

And if you lose him,
I'll kill you.

* Here when you are ready *

[ Earl Narrating ] And every
favor I asked meant another
scary prisoner knew I existed.

So far we've
already collected
lice and hookworms,

and word in the yard is
you have maggots.

Yeah. But they're
cleanin' the dead flesh
out of my back wound.

You could take 'em, but then
you gotta clean the dead flesh
out of my back wound.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Pretty soon,
we had everything we needed.

For his archaeology badge,
we stumbled on the spot where,
in the old days,

the guards played a game
they called Kick the Prisoner
in the Face.

Save the molars.
We could use them to make dice.

[ Earl Narrating ]
For his natural science badge,

we collected lice,
hookworms and maggots.

All we needed now
were some roaches.

Okay, hit it.

Okay. Lights on.

[ Earl Narrating ] And the thing
I thought would be the hardest
turned out to be the easiest.

Excuse me.

For those of you
who don't know me yet, uh,

I'm helpin' a guy
get some badges.

Does anyone here
happen to be a scoutmaster?

[ Earl Narrating ]
And just like that,
Glen got his last two badges...

and was finally awarded
his honor sash.
[ Gate Buzzes ]

And when the parole board
heard what a change
he'd made in himself,

they finally gave him
his parole.

And Glen was happy to be out.

But, while people were
no longer afraid of him,

they still judged him
by the way he looked.

Yo, check out the old dude
in the Scout uniform.

"Be prepared"...
to never get laid!

[ Earl Narrating ]
Glen thought about goin' back
to his old stealin' ways.

But for the first time,
the way other people saw him
didn't matter as much.

What mattered was
how he saw himself.

Prison debts are bad,
so it was nice knowin'
I had paid mine to Glen.

It would have been nicer
if there weren't a ton of other
convicts I owed favors to now.

Yeah, I-- I know. I know.
I gotta get everybody
out of here for a day.

I-- I'm tryin' to
organize a huge field trip
to the aquarium.

They haven't called me back.
You got rid of Glen.

That's a start, right?
One guy down, 1,200 to go.

Don't worry about it.
That Glen was causin'
all those stupid lockdowns.

Makin' me crazier than my mom
before I chopped her up.

Anyway, thanks for
gettin' him out of here.

You don't owe me anything.

Hey, Earl. Man, thanks
for the peace and quiet.

You don't have to keep
taking care of Simon.
We're square.

Aren't you gonna
give him back to me?

Oh, right.

Whoa. You're so big.

What's that man
been feeding you?

[ Earl Narrating ]
The next two years
were gonna be hard, but...

now I knew I couldn't survive
'em by doin' the same thing
Glen had:

lettin' prison turn me into
someone I wouldn't recognize.

I realized that
no matter how scared I get,

if I'm gonna survive in prison,
I have to do it as myself.

'Cause my name isn't
inmate number 28301-016.

My name is Earl.

[ Earl Narrating ]
Joy had spent weeks
doin' her best to fix Randy.

And then one day,
her big-headed
hillbilly Linus...

left his blanket behind
and was ready to make
decisions on his own.

And the first thing
he decided to do
was move back in with me.

Oh, my God!
I'm stealin' a car!

Look at me!
Someone call the police!

I should be in prison
with my brother!

Hello? Stealin' a car!

I'm stealin' a car!

Come and get me!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

That's the car alarm.
I'm stealin' this car.

Can't you hear the car alarm?
[ Imitating Alarm ]