All language subtitles for Mr.Deeds.2002.720p.BrRip.264.YIFY

Subtitles by demonseye

Hello, folks at home.

Here I am a hundred yards
from the top of Mt. Everest.

Yet there's a part of me
that can't wait to end this silly vacation

and get back to work,
where the real challenges await.

Shouldn't you take your age
into consideration, sir?

After all,
you're 82 years old.

Am I 82?

These numbers mean nothing to me.
My journey through life has just begun.

Sir! Sir!

- Oota tells me the storm's getting worse.
- Very, very bad.

We must abandon our ascent and
proceed down the mountain immediately.

We're so very close to the top,
Mr. Puffy Jacket Man.

I'm heading down now, sir.
I advise you to do the same.

All right, so be it.

See you at the staff meeting on Monday.
And I'll bring the Krispy Kremes!

There, once again, the sad footage
we've been watching all day.

A beloved visionary who turned a single
radio station into a global media empire,

Preston Blake, dead at 82.
More after this.

You're watching
the Blake Broadcasting Network.

The stock of Blake Media,
the parent company of this network

plunged this morning
on the news of Blake's death

but bounced back after a statement by
Blake's long-time number 2, Chuck Cedar.

And all the king's horses
and all the king's men

couldn't save Preston Blake
from becoming a human popsicle.

And sources indicate that Blake, who was
single and had no children, did not leave a will.

So who inherits Blake's 49 percent stake
in the company's stock

valued at 40 billion dollars?

We'll discuss that with people close to
Preston Blake, including his long-time barber

on tomorrow's "Inside Access".
Until then, I'm Mac McGrath.

- Are we clear?
- Clear!

Babe? Where's Babe?

I'm gonna come over there

- and I'm gonna choke you to death!
- Babe!

I gotta go.

Freakin' barber!
That's the best you could get me, huh?

People tell everything
to their barbers, Mac.

I mean, he's been his closest confidant
for more than 20 years.

Babe, I'm not puttin' this guy on the air.
Get me something better and get it quick.

Or it's your ass.

Did we find this heir yet?

We should be getting that information
via fax any minute now.

I have lawyers
looking through birth records

in all 50 states,
Porto Rico and Guam.

In fact, we have a little pool going.
Guam's paying off at 1000 to 1.

Is this a joke to you?

Some genetic lottery winner
now controls the fate of this company.

Oh, no, no. I agree. It's... it's troubling.

Troubling?
Your beard is troubling.

Your pipe is troubling.
Your yellow teeth are really troubling.

But if I lose control of this company,
it'll be catastrophic.

Does anyone know a dr. Mendlesohn?

Congratulations,
you have a spastic colon.

That would explain a lot.

Longfellow Deeds.

Chuck, I think we're there.

My God, it's all green.

Wow, look at that thing.
Oh, oh, fighter pilot on your left.

Got that sucker!

You guys lost?

We're looking for somebody.
Longfellow Deeds.

Wow! Is that Deeds' first name?

Well, if the Deeds you're referring to
is Longfellow Deeds,

then yes,
that is Deeds' first name.

Well, I don't know Deeds' first name.
Maybe it's Greg.

- Maybe it's Longfellow.
- Maybe.

But I don't know. I know another guy
named Greg. You want me to call him up?

No! Thank you.
Please, just tell us where Deeds lives.

All right, don't get all hyperactive,
army buddy. I'll take you straight to 'im.

Step right in, fellows.

- He lives at a pizzeria?
- You can't live in a pizzeria.

He lives upstairs. He owns it.

Excuse me.
Uh, is Mr. Deeds around?

No, I'm sorry, he's out making deliveries.
The regular delivery guy called in sick.

- But you don't look too sick to me, Murph.
- Oh, I forgot I was fakin' sick today.

- You two tricked me into comin' here.
- Murph, put on an apron and gimme a hand.

You guys played me
like a fiddle. Touche!

Is Mrs. Deeds around?

Mrs. Deeds? I don't think
that poor boy ever had a date.

- Do you know when he'll be back?
- Oh, he'll be back before lunch is out. Today's Card Day.

- Card Day?
- Deeds writes greeting cards.

Every Monday, he tries out a few
and then he chooses one

and sends it
to one of the big card companies.

Now, he hasn't sold any yet, but...

he will.

You guys need anything else here?

"To my sweetheart"

"I love you completely,
with all my soul"

"Without you I'm nothing,
a butterless roll." Hm.

That's good.

You like that, gentlemen?

Hallmark said it showed some potential,
which is pretty cool.

- Longfellow Deeds?
- Just call me Deeds, pal.

Easy with that Longfellow stuff.

Chuck Cedar, CEO.

Cecil Anderson,
General Counsel of Blake Media.

Hey, handshakes are for strangers.
We hug around here, buddy.

What's, uh... what's up?
Welcome to town.

Come on, don't be shy.

I like that beard. Abe Lincoln-style.
Have a seat, boys.

- Murph!
- Yeah, Deeds?

- I thought you were sick today.
- No, that was a lie, pal.

Well, you fooled me.

- I did?
- Oh, yeah.

- Mr. Deeds?
- Oh, just Deeds.

You sounded so sick on the phone.
You're good. Do that sick voice again.

Deeds, I can't come to work today.
I think I got strep throat.

That's unbelievable.
You could be a radio actor or something.

- Oh, thanks, buddy.
- Sure.

Hey, Deeds. Read a card already.
I gotta get back on duty.

Okay. I better get up there.
Good meeting you, gentlemen.

Um, Mr. Deeds, does the name
Preston Blake mean anything to you?

Uh, well, mom's
maiden name was Blake.

I only got one
for you guys this week,

but I got a feelin' it's gonna end
my losing streak with Hallmark.

Deeds! Preston Blake was
your mother's uncle.

You're kiddin' me, I got an uncle?
That's awesome. How's 'e doin'?

He's dead.

Oh, no.
If there's anything I can do...

Deeds! Deeds!

Okay, I'll be right with you guys.

When Mr. Blake died,
he left an enormous fortune.

40 billion dollars.
He left it all...

to you, Deeds.

Wait a minute.

What are you talkin' about, you gotta
get back on duty? You're not a cop.

Yeah, you're right.
I got this down at the costume shop.

But it can't hurt to pretend.

What a wisenheimer!

Okay, everybody, it's show time.

I call this "50th Anniversary Card".

Which is quite a feat nowadays.

"Fifty years have passed by
with laughter and tears"

"Do you remember
when we went to the zoo"

"and that time we drank
all the beers?"

Beers, oh, yeah!

"I promise to love you
for 50 years more"

"Even when your bosoms
sag down to the floor."

That was awesome! How's he do it?

It looks like you won't have
to be delivering pizzas anymore, Deeds.

Now you're a very rich man.

What's that got to do
with delivering pizzas?

Ladies! The top one is yours.

- Oh, thank you, Deeds.
- Of course.

- Yummy, yummy!
- So, Deeds, what's new?

I found out I have an uncle,
but he died.

Oh, that's too bad.

- He gave me 40 billion dollars, though.
- Well, that's nice.

Oh, yeah!

Don't you go and spend it all
on some fancy record player.

I won't.

Who are your friends, Deeds?

I'm sorry. Chuck, Cecil,
this is Jane, Kitty and Sue.

- Pleasure to meet you, Cecil.
- Pleasure's all mine, Kitty.

Or should I just say "Meow"?

Keep it in your pants, Anderson.

- Now, why am I inheriting this money?
- You're Mr. Blake's closest living relative.

- Really? He had nobody else?
- Nope, that's it.

Gosh, I never even met the guy.

Would you hold this for a second?

Mr. Wetherley.
How you doin', pal?

Very well, Deeds.
Just goin' to the pharmacy.

Ah, well, let me get you there
a little quicker.

- How's your wife?
- She's fine.

- Terrific. Say hi for me.
- I will.

Okay. Here you go.

- Thanks for the lift, Deeds.
- Oh, you got it.

Deeds, we need you to come back
to New York with us. Just for a few days.

We're drawing up some papers
that you'll need to sign.

What kind of papers?

You see, technically, you've inherited
300 million shares of Blake Media, Inc.

Chuck and I, along with some
of the partners, are gonna buy that stock

for 40 billion dollars, which, of course,
we had to borrow from various...

Oh, who cares about
the financial mumbo jumbo?

We just need a little time
to dot the t's and cross the i's.

And while we're doing that,
we need you to stay away from the press.

All the media frenzy will die down
in a couple weeks but until then...

You don't want reporters crawling
all over this lovely little town, do you?

Oh, no!

- Crazy Eyes!
- What?

Hey, Deeds.

How you doin', pal? I got your pizza
for you, just the way you like it.

Oh, yes!

French fries and Oreos.
You know me all too well, Deeds.

What are you in for?

I'm doin' a one-nighter
for bitin' Ed the mailman.

Guy was tryin' to cast a spell on me,
you know, like a wizard or somethin'.

- Are you sure about that?
- I don't know. Maybe he was just wavin'.

- Hey, who're your friends?
- Oh, this is Chuck and Cecil. They're from New York.

I don't like 'em.

Okay. Nice seein' you.

I've never been to New York before.
I suppose I could check out the sights.

- Gimme an hour to pack, okay?
- You got it.

Wow, I'm gonna be the first guy to leave here
since Jimmy McNally went to Disney World.

See you later, everybody!

Tomorrow is "Kids Eat For Free" Day.
So don't forget to clean the highchairs, all right?

Don't worry about a thing, Deedsy,
I'll take care of everything.

- You go, have a good time!
- I'll miss you.

Bye, Jan.
Smell you later, Murph.

Hey, Deeds!

- Give us a card!
- Yeah!

"On my way to the big city
for a business trip"

"Never, ever left Mandrake Falls before
Ain't that a pip?"

"But while I'm gone
I know I'll miss you all a lot."

"So bring your rich butt back here
and buy us all a shot."

You got it, pal!

Take it easy.

The biggest story of the year...
and we've got nothin'?

Do you people wanna be tabloid journalists?
Because I don't think so.

You've got to be ruthless.
When I started out,

I slept in Tom and Roseanne's
dumpster for two days

- disguised as a giant carton of ice cream.
- I got it!

My source at Blake says
the company helicopter

took off from there this afternoon
with two male passengers aboard,

- headed for Mandrake Falls.
- Where?

That's some little hick-ass town
in New Hampshire.

But... now they're on their way back
with three male passengers.

- That's one more!
- Duh!

That third guy's our heir.
Nice work, Marty.

They were supposed to arrive
at Blake Media at 5:00.

But they made an unscheduled stop
in Connecticut.

I'm so happy
I got the Big Bacon Classic.

Thanks for stopping, buddy.
This is unbelievable.

- Happy to do it, Deeds.
- How's that Frosty treatin' you, Cecil?

You got some on your beard.
I'm just kiddin'.

I got 'im big time, man.

I'm going on the air
in two hours' time.

And I want that guy's life story
by then. I'm talkin' to you, Jim.

And I'm also
talkin' to you, Babe. Babe?

Where the hell's Babe?

You missed another staff meeting.
Mac's pissed.

Well, he's not gonna be pissed
when I crack this Blake story.

- What do you got?
- Nothin'. Do you have anything?

I'll have a lot more
in a few hours.

Marty, you gotta be a pal.

I need this story.
I'm flat broke and Mac is gonna fire me.

How're you flat broke?
You make more money than anyone here.

- What did you blow it on?
- Shoes.

I'll tell you everything I know
over lunch tomorrow

as long as your club promoter boyfriend

doesn't try to run me over
with his motorcycle again.

You're safe there. Ken and I are
kind of, you know... We're taking a break.

Really? So he moved out?

Babe, what are you staying here for?
I have a spare bedroom.

We tried that once, remember?

I woke up and you were standing
over my bed, breathing heavily...

I was having an asthma attack.
I couldn't find my puffer.

Ohh, easy, fellas, or
the Biggie Fries are makin' a comeback.

You guys football fans? I think
the Pats could take the conference this year.

I mean, the Dolphins are overrated
and the Jets are choke artists.

I wouldn't say that, Mr. Deeds.

- Just Deeds. Why is that, though?
- You own the Jets, Deeds.

I do? Wow!

That sucks.

Geez, I hope they don't play the Pats
in the playoffs or I'll have to kill myself.

I'm still very worried about this.

What do you got in that pipe, hashish?
You're paranoid.

- This guy's perfect for us.
- What if he won't sell us his shares?

If I got Preston Blake to trust me
with his company,

I can get this moron to do the same.
I mean, look at 'im.

That's right, Anderson.

Enough!

Party pooper.

Holy cow!
What's up, New York?

It's an honor to come
to the greatest city in the world!

Congratulations, Deeds, you're now
the most eligible bachelor in New York.

Oh, geez, I don't wanna meet a girl
just because I'm wicked rich.

Well, that's nice, but let's see
how you stick to your guns

once you've paid a visit to one
of our many fine gentlemen's clubs.

What?

My father saved my mother.

She was figure skatin'
and fell through the ice.

I always thought I'd meet a girl
kinda the same way. Some bullspit like that.

Well, then, I'll just keep a lookout
for ladies in distress, as it were.

- That'd be nice.
- Hey, Mandrake Falls!

- Security, stop that guy!
- Hey!

Stop! Come back!

See, he's gonna a hundred grand for that picture.
It'll be all over the news in an hour.

Well, he deserves it with
those James Bond moves he just pulled.

No, he deserves to get his throat cut,
the filthy spy. Come on, let's go.

So, this is where my uncle lived?

Yes, sir. For the last 35 years
of his astonishing life.

- Boy, you kinda snuck up on me there.
- I am very, very sneaky, sir.

I see that. My name is Deeds.

I am Emilio, sir.
I am your servant.

Servant? I don't want a servant,
but if you want to be my friend, I'll take that.

Friends.

Yes, good friends.

Would you like to go down to your apartment, sir?
I'm sure it's been an exhausting day.

- That okay with you, Chuck?
- Oh, you'll be safe there.

It'll take us a couple days
to draw up the papers for you to sign.

- Go make yourself at home.
- Terrific.

- Later.
- I will be with you shortly, sir.

You got it.
Hey, nice to meet you. I'm Deeds.

- I'm Reuben, sir.
- This is a wicked nice elevator.

Keep an eye on 'im, Emilio.
Or it's your ass.

It's nice to see you too, sir.

So how's the elevator business
treating you, Reuben?

Oh, it has its ups and downs.

All right! All right!

That was good.

Jeesum crow,
how'd you get down here so fast?

Sneaky-sneaky, sir.
Right this way.

Wow.

Wow.

Is something the matter, sir?

- That's an echo, sir.
- Yeah, you try it.

- Me, sir?
- It's a lot of fun.

Come on, you can do it
louder than that.

- Serious.
- Thank you, sir.

Hey, buddy, how you doin'?
You wanna give it a shot?

Nice.

You guys wanna join us?
Make a weird noise.

That was a great time. Well, I'm kinda tired.
I'd like to go to sleep, if that's okay.

- This way, Mr. Deeds.
- Thank you very much. Good night, everyone.

Good night, Mr. Deeds.

Yeah. Ughm.

You just gonna lie there
and let "The Post" take your story?

What's up, New York?

He had a water fountain in his room.
I love it.

He had a water fountain in his room.
I love it.

That's Hawaiian Punch.

He adored... Hawaiian Punch.

Wow! You kinda just...
snuck up on me, man.

I fear you're underestimating
the sneakiness, sir.

Yeah, I guess I was.
What are you doing down there?

I am assisting you
with your sock change.

You'd change my socks for me?
You don't gotta do that. Come on, stand up.

Thank you, sir.

Besides, you don't wanna
have to touch my right foot.

I got wicked bad frostbite when I was
in the Scouts. Check it out.

Pretty messed up, huh?

The hideousness of that foot
will haunt my dreams forever.

Oh, yeah, I've heard that before.

But the weird thing is
I got no feeling left in it.

So you could, like, jump on it
and it wouldn't hurt me.

- Go ahead, jump on it.
- I would really rather not, sir.

Oh, please,
please jump on my foot.

Yeah, I didn't feel that.

What else you got? Hey, get
that fireplace poker right there

and just whack my foot.

- Do I absolutely have to?
- It's gonna be fun. Just-just grab it.

All my friends do this
when they're wasted.

Come on.

Go ahead, give it a whack.

- Nothin'.
- Really?

Isn't that sick?

Didn't feel that.
Isn't that awesome? Go ahead.

Nothin'.

I know, I know you're starting to like it,
aren't you? Chop that wood!

Yeah. That's it!

You're sick! You're sick!
Why would you do that to me?

I'm just kiddin' you, pal.

- You... you had me goin' there.
- I saw your face, you were like...

Anyway, I gotta talk to Cedar and Anderson,
find what I'm supposed to be doin' today.

So, could you take that out of my foot?
I'm kinda nailed to the ground here.

There you go.

I must insist on absolute secrecy
regarding this discussion

till I've officially acquired
Mr. Blake's shares.

If that's acceptable to you,
then as far as I'm concerned

you've just bought 2,000 radio stations.

Good mornin'.

- Deeds.
- What's up?

Doin' a little business.

This room's an echo room, too.
I'm sure you guys already knew that.

May I help you?

Oh, I just wanted to see
if there's anything I should be doin' today.

Well, I think we've got
everything under control.

Well, there's gotta be somethin'. I mean,
until I sign those papers I-I kinda own this place, right?

What?

Ladies and gentlemen,
pardon me a moment, please.

Of course.

Anderson, what's up, buddy? I was dreaming
about Frosties all last night. You?

I tried to make my own at home,
but it just wasn't the same.

Deeds.

You know, every stockholder, large and small,
has a say in the operation of this company.

They have this say
at the annual stockholders' meeting.

The other 364 days of the year,
the officers of the company, like me...

- run the show.
- You mean now that my uncle's gone.

Yeah, and it's not
all fun and games.

This company is a player on
so many levels and in so many areas

that runnin' it is literally
a 24-hour-a-day job.

I mean, I only got
three hours of sleep last night.

Then it's actually
a 21-hour-a-day job, huh?

Move it, lady.
I don't give a damn about no meeting.

Mr. Cedar, I am sorry...

I passed for 3,500 yards last season
and I ain't gonna touch a football

until you get off your fat, rich asses
and renegotiate my bullshit contract.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy with
the language, buddy. There are ladies present.

Shut the hell up, rich boy!

I want more money,
or you all can just suck my...

I warned ya.

You went down like a sack o' potatoes,
I'll tell you that much. Come on.

Come on, big man.
Upsy-daisy.

Ladies and gentlemen, football!

What's the problem
with your contract?

You know, I figured if I played well,
I'd renegotiate and get more money.

And if you didn't play well,
could we renegotiate and pay you less?

Shit, no!
I mean... no.

Doesn't seem fair to me.

- Deeds. Kevin led the League in touchdown passes.
- That's okay, Chuck. I got this one.

Listen, fellows, I want more money...

I ain't even gonna play another down.

Well, we'll have to let you go then.

- Let me go?
- Yeah, you're fired.

So can I sign with another team?

You can do anything you want.
But I suggest you change your attitude

or nobody's gonna wanna work with you.

Bye.

Deeds.

Kevin won the Heisman Trophy
two years ago. He is our best player.

- Don't worry 'bout it, he'll be back.
- Biggest mistake o' your lives!

This thing is cool.

Hey! Why don't you get out and enjoy the city?
Everything's fine here. Take that with you.

I'll leave it here. That's all right.
But call me if you need me, all right?

- Absolutely.
- Thanks. Love you, Anderson.

Oh, and... All you guys, I noticed
you were French. The opposite of bonjour to you.

You look so hot as a blond.

You don't think it's too streaky?
I feel like he did it really streaky.

No, I love it, but you should let me
go undercover. This could get dangerous.

No. He said he likes ladies in distress,
not men who wear too much cologne.

- Oh, there he is.
- Thanks for the New York City tour, Tommy.

- You're welcome.
- Okay, uh...

hidden cameras on,
ready to go? Molest me. Do...

- Marty, molest me!
- You got it!

- Oh, God, help!
- Give it to me.

- Help, I'm being mugged!
- All right!

Help! Help! I'm being mugged!

- Stop it!
- Good luck. See you at the office.

- Don't worry, I'll get 'im.
- Oh, shit!

Stop right there.

Come on!

What's your problem, pal?

Come up 'ere.

Got your pocketbook.
Get a job, pal.

Miss! Miss!

- Are you okay?
- What ha... what happened?

Let me help you up.

All right, now. All right.

Ma'am, you were just the victim
of a New York City mugger.

As I suspected,
he was a coward and a weakling.

And also wore more cologne
than any man should wear.

- I got this back for you, though.
- Thank you.

- Can I take you to the hospital?
- No, no.

I'll be all right.
I just feel... a little dizzy and violated.

I'm fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Please, let me take you
to the emergency room.

I'm sure I'll be all right.
I just need to...

perhaps walk it off or...

- Could you?
- Sure, sure.

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

My name is Pam. Pam Dawson.

My name is Deeds.
I'm not from here. I'm just visitin'.

Where do you hail from, Deeds?

Mandrake Falls, New Hampshire.
Just a little town nobody's ever heard of.

I'm from a little town like that.

- In lowa.
- Is that right? What part?

Winchesterton...field...ville.

Yes, the... the small town
of Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

I'm sorry.

- Okay. So, what are you doin' in New York?
- I'm a school nurse.

- There's no way you're a school nurse.
- Why, don't you believe me?

You're too nice
to be a school nurse.

My school nurse was so mean,
every time I would tell 'er I had a tummy ache

she'd send me back to my class
and say "Stop whinin'".

- Oh, but that's awful!
- Well, I said it every day.

I missed my mother.

That's sweet.

- Miss Dawson?
- Mm-hm?

How would you like to maybe... go out 'n
have a New York City dinner with me?

Golly, well...

That sounds... wonderful.

- It does?
- Yeah.

- Let's do it, then.
- Okay.

Damn you, Old Spice.

So, you run this pizza place
and you have your poetry.

- What brings you to the big city?
- Actually, I just inherited 40 billion dollars.

Well, that's nice, but I think anything
over 30 billion is just gravy.

I like that.

- Your hair is very blond and pretty.
- Oh, I-I'm... I'm of Swedish ancestry.

- Really?
- Yes.

My... grandfather was in ABBA.

A-ABBA, the band?

Excuse me,
do you get any famous people in here?

Famous, rich, powerful.

Really? Oh, we don't get
any famous people in Mandrake Falls.

Actually, Stephen King stopped by
our gas station one time,

but everyone was too scared
to talk to 'im.

I'd imagine
he'd be very spooky.

Jake, the gas station attendant,
made eye contact with 'im.

That night he lost 200 pounds.

Wow.

Anyway, your chicken parmesan
should be ready soon.

Okay, buddy. Hey! Know what?
I saw a couple over there.

It's their anniversary.

Give them this.
Don't say it's from us, though.

This is like 20,000 dollars.

Tell 'em it was a restaurant giveaway
or somethin' like that. Thanks, buddy.

That's an awfully nice way
to start spending your money.

- Is that who I think it is?
- Who?

Preston Blake's nephew,
the 40-billion-dollar man.

We have to meet him. Dave?

Gosh, I hope
that mugger got home okay.

- Mr. Deeds.
- Yeah.

Mr. Simonds would like
to invite you to join his party.

Why is that?

Just to enjoy
the pleasure of your company.

Wow, that's pretty cool of 'im.

Well, that was a very nice hug, Deeds.

It's wicked nice of you guys
to invite us over here. This is awesome.

- Have we met?
- Not unless you have a sick kid.

You're a very important man
in this town now, Mr. Deeds.

I don't know about that.

I sing at the Metropolitan Opera

and Blake Media contributes
50 percent of our budget.

So, on behalf of the opera...
Thank you.

That was awesome!

Hey, you shouldn't be thankin' me, though.
You should be, uh, thankin' my great-uncle.

He was a pretty interesting man.

I served on the board
of the Guggenheim with him.

Really? I'm not sure what that is,
but good luck with it.

You know, I would love to write a piece
on you for "The New Yorker".

What's "The New Yorker"?

It's a magazine.

- Uh-huh...
- With essays, witty cartoons...

I, uh, read the "Mandrake Falls Gazette"
and they got some cartoons in there also.

You know who's a riot?
That Beetle Bailey guy.

He's always wearin' his hat
and doin' his thing.

But it is an honor to meet
a real writer such as yourself, George.

I've been tryin'
to get my stuff published for years,

but that Hallmark is
one tough cookie to crack.

- Hallmark?
- He writes greeting cards.

- I try.
- Oh, you must share one with us.

- Oh, I don't know about that, Mr. French.
- Who's Mr. French?

- Doesn't he look like Mr. French?
- I've never heard of him.

Come on.

All right, all right,
I'll give you one.

This is a Mother's Day card
I've been workin' on.

"Mom, you are the one
who brought me to planet Earth"

"You are the one who suffered
through my 14-hour birth"

"You are the one who made lemonade for me
after I'd come back from play"

"I love you, mom,
so have a wicked nice Mother's Day."

Somethin' like that.

- An instant classic!
- Genius, genius, genius...

Do you write your poems
with a crayon, Deeds?

Oh, it's amazing!

I see why you brought me here.
To goof on me, huh?

- Don't be silly, Deeds.
- Pipe down, George.

I may seem funny to you,
but if you came to Mandrake Falls,

you might seem funny to us.
Only nobody would laugh at you

and make you feel stupid,
cause that wouldn't be good manners.

Maybe my poems aren't that great,
but I know some people who like 'em.

Anyways, it's the best I can do.
Okay, well, we're gonna get goin'.

Sorry about that, Pam.
I hope I didn't embarrass you.

And if it wasn't for Miss Dawson being here,
I'd probably knock your heads in.

I don't mind.

Okay.

No!

I think... I just... shat myself.

How would you like
to see the sights now, Miss Dawson?

Oh, yes. I-I just need
to powder my nose.

Oh, that'd be great.
I'll get your coat.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, hey, buddy, this will, uh, pay for
everything I-I damaged. Sorry about that.

- Good to meet you guys.
- Thank you.

God, that was good stuff.
Yes, yes, yes...

I want a raise, Mac.

- Hey, man! What's up?
- Holy cannoli, you're John McEnroe!

Yeah, I saw what you did to those guys
who were making fun of you. Nice work.

You know what it's like to get riled up,
don't you, Johnny Mac?

- That I do.
- I'm Deeds, by the way.

Deeds, nice to meet you.
You gotta let me buy you a drink.

- Oh, eh, Miss Dawson, this is John McEnroe.
- Hello.

- Miss Dawson, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

I kinda promised Miss Dawson
I'd take 'er out sightseeing.

Look, the sights are great.
I've seen the sights. I love the sights.

Lemme show you a New York
most people will never see.

- Oh-oh. That okay with you, Miss Dawson?
- Sounds like fun!

Here's to a big night on the town.

What happened?

Here are some aspirins, Mr. Deeds.
They make your head seem smaller.

- How did I get in these pyjamas?
- I changed you.

I was very gentle, sir.

I think I drank all the alcohol
in Manhattan last night.

And you nearly succeeded,
according to Miss Dawson.

Miss Dawson! I don't even remember
takin' 'er home. Is she okay?

I took the liberty of sending her off
in the company limousine.

She was a lady in distress
and I helped 'er.

Dreamt about 'er last night.

Usually, when you get blackout drunk,
you don't dream.

So I read.

What's up, Chuck?

America's newest billionaire...

- ...stupid and drunk.
- What's this?

Well, it was quite a night
for Longfellow Deeds.

Oh, no, they're gonna
know my name is Longfellow.

After punchin' out
some society types,

Deeds joined forces with the original
bad boy of tennis, John McEnroe.

And stupidity won in straight sets.

How'd they get that footage?

Watch out, Johnny!

What kind o' drivin' is that?
You're a *** disgrace!

No, sir. You're a disgrace.

- We did it, man!
- Johnny McEnroe!

Ho-ho, look at Deedsy hangin' out
with McEnroe! That's awesome!

I love the Beach Boys.

Here I go, here I go.

This is not the kind of attention
we need right now.

What do you mean?

For the moment
you are the largest stockholder

and people might think
any instability you show

may equal instability in the company.

My bad.

My bad. My bad.

Okay. Okay.

- My bad.
- Okay.

Shall I call your car, Mr. Cedar,
to take you to the funeral?

What funeral?

Your great-uncle's funeral.

- His funeral's today?
- Today, yes.

I'll go get my suit on.

- Cute, big mouth.
- Sir?

As soon as that moron goes back
to Cowpie Falls,

you are out of here
on your fat Porto Rican ass.

I hail from Spain, sir.

Ole.

Now, brother Preston is soaring
with eagles high above.

Because he lived a life of love.

Yes, he's flying way up high...

because he was a super cool guy.

He's gone away, too soon, it seems...

leaving behind his unfinished dreams.

This guy could make a fortune
writing greeting cards.

Yes, we remember Preston Blake,

a man with faith no man could shake.

A strength no man could break.

A character no man could fake.

For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.

Amen.

Excuse me, Reverend...
That was a grand slam.

I mean, that part with soaring
with the eagles gave me goose bumps.

- Oh, thank you, my brother.
- My friend got me a mug for my birthday.

It says "It's hard to soar with the eagles
when you're surrounded by turkeys."

- But what you said was better.
- It's all good.

Rest in peace, Preston.
That concludes today's service.

O-ho, I-I... I actually thought
I would say somethin'.

Deedsy was always
the best speaker in school.

Deedsy?

That's some job,
by the way, Your Majesty.

I thought
we were watchin' Scooby-Doo.

Hi, my name is Deeds.
I was Preston Blake's great-nephew.

I wrote a poem for 'im
on my way over here, in my head.

And I'm... gonna recite it for you.

I didn't realize I'd be following
the rhyme-master Reverend Sharpton.

But here we go anyways.

"You climbed mountains
and built skyscrapers"

"You made TV shows
and put out newspapers"

"You were wicked good at doing stocks"

"You liked it
when Emilio would change your socks"

"We never hung out and that makes me sad"

"All the good times we could've had"

Nice rhyme.

"But when I die, uncle Preston,
you better say 'Cheers!'"

"'Cause me and you are hanging
at the pearly gates"

"I'll bring the beers... I'll bring the beers."

He's good.

Amen.

I know this is supposed to be
a closed casket, but where I come from

we feel it's good to see the body
for the grieving process, so...

Sorry about that!
I'll keep this sucker closed.

He's still pretty frozen.

Almost there.

I'll keep an eye on the company
for you, buddy. Love you.

Nice meetin' you.
Thanks for the apartment.

That was freaky.

Everybody drive home safe.

Man, this guy is in
way over his head.

- Take care, father.
- You're gonna see him again tonight?

Yes, I'm calling around 4:00.
That's when I get off work.

Remember, I'm Pam Dawson,
virgin school nurse

from Winchestertonfieldville,
Iowa.

That's priceless.

You, a virgin...

- All right, thank you.
- Excuse me, sir.

- It's all right, I told 'im he could have that.
- Thanks, Deeds.

Right on, buddy. Nice seein' you.

You need to use our bathroom,
come back and use it, okay?

Will do, Deeds!

How do you think
I did at the funeral today?

You spoke beautifully, sir.

I still feel bad.

I think I snapped my uncle's hand off
when I was puttin' him back in the casket.

Lucky for him,
he was dead, sir.

Even though his face
was frozen that way...

it looked to me like he was
a happy guy. Am I right?

- Oh, he truly was.
- Come on, sit down, please.

And I got to... hang out with him...
just like this...

almost every day for 30 years.

What did you guys talk about?

We spoke of life, love,
art, wine, business...

I learned much from him.

- I bet you miss 'im, too.
- I do.

He was like a parent to me.

You see, I never knew my father,
and mama...

she passed while giving the birth to me.

- You want some Cocoa Pebbles?
- No, thanks.

- Okay.
- I have, uh, much work to do.

Thanks. You don't have gotta do that.
A-all right, thank you.

Enjoy your Pebbles.

One more thing.

Your great-uncle did not let me
change his socks for him, either.

I like feet.
I do not know why.

- Hello.
- Hi, Deeds? It's Pam. Pam Dawson.

Oh, I'm so happy you called.
I-I am wicked sorry about last night.

I just... I don't drink very often.

Oh, I-I thought
you held your liquor very well.

Oh, unfortunately,
I couldn't hold it for too long.

Oh, that's okay. I...
I didn't really like that skirt anyway.

I... I'm gettin' a call on the other line.
Do you think you can hang on for a second?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Hello.

Mr. Deeds, this is Kevin Ward,
the quarterback you punched.

Oh, okay. What's up, buddy?

Yeah, I wanted to say that I was thinkin' it over
and I'd like to live up to my word...

And I'd like to win you a Super Bowl.

- That's terrific, pal.
- And my daddy wants to speak to you.

Deeds. Buddy Ward here,
Kevin's daddy.

How you doin', Mr. Ward?

I just wanna thank you
for teachin' my boy a lesson.

Not a problem, sir. He's a good kid.

He just gotta watch
his language in front of the ladies.

- I'll remind Kevin where he comes from.
- Okay. That sounds terrific.

You used foul language
in front of a lady?

No, daddy, no!

- Pam.
- Still here, Deeds.

So, how's it goin'? You at work?

- Yep, here in the nurse's office.
- Any customers?

Customers? Oh, sick kids.

Well, uh, little Billy Barty's here.

- You're... not feeling too good, Billy?
- Miss Dawson, my tummy hurts.

Okay, why don't you just
lay back and relax?

That was nice. Good job.

I got too much doo-doo
in my underpants.

Make the stinky go away.

Well, you sound like
you got your hands full, so...

um, I'll just come out with it.

How would you like
to do somethin' with me tonight?

- I'd love to do something with you.
- Great.

Well, we can't go out drinkin'
cause I got our company in trouble.

Oh, that's okay.
I was brought up never to drink alcohol.

Not even rum raisin ice cream.

I like that.
I'll think of somethin' good, okay?

- See you tonight.
- Okay. Bye.

Oh, I gotta try this.

Was that awesome?

Am I out or safe?

I'm with you.

What is this?
My great-uncle's personal journal.

- Should I read it?
- Family.

Family, safe, good.

All right, have a good night.
My back hurts!

- Nice doin' business with you, fellas.
- Thank you, Mr. Deeds.

Thanks for the bikes.

What are you gonna do
with your 20,000 dollars?

Buy a giraffe.
What are you gonna do with your 20,000?

Quit school.

Good idea, school is for fools.
Look at me!

The park is beautiful.

These trees, they remind you
of Winchestertonfieldville at all?

Oh, yes. Yes, very much so.

What was it like
growin' up there?

Oh, it was great.

I remember... walkin' down
to... the corner drugstore

and gettin'... malted milkshakes...

Ohh... What was your house like?

Oh, we had this... big Victorian.

Uh... Right off Main Street.

- Blue shutters and a big red door...
- All right.

- And I had a-a tire swing in the front yard.
- I love it.

Oh, and I remember the time I...
I fell out of old Boo Radley's apple tree

and broke my arm.

And my father,
before he... passed away

from the... disease of the lepers, uh...

he came and he scooped me up
and he ran me all the way to dr. Pepper's.

- Dr. Pepper.
- Yeah.

I'm glad that guy was around.

- Wanna sit down?
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- My pleasure.

I was reading my great-uncle's journal
on my way over to you.

And... when he was age 9,

he wrote that... he had the only family
on the block with a radio

and he was dreamin'
of becomin' a disc jockey someday.

- A disc jockey?
- Yeah.

Wow.

You know, when I was a kid,
I wanted to be a news reporter.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I used to go around
interviewing everyone

and... writing notes
in my little Holly Hobby notebook.

People didn't like that.
I got beat up a lot.

- Do you remember their names?
- Oh, no, it was a long time ago.

Okay.

Uh... but my grandma said to me:

"One day, honey, you're gonna grow up
and you're gonna work for 60 Minutes"

"and make a difference in the world."

Well, you do make a difference in the world,
every day. You're a school nurse.

Yeah.

Anyways, this is what happened
to my uncle.

Later on in his life, he would go
to this radio station that he owned

like 3:00 in the morning
and DJ for an hour.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah. So, don't give up hope.
You'll be a reporter someday.

If you really want to.

That would be nice.

- Jeesum Crow, a fire!
- A fire?

- We should help.
- We should?

- Let's get goin'.
- To the fire?

Yeah.

- Fifi, get over here right now.
- Come on, we'll catch you.

Go away! You know, I can't leave
without me kitties. They're all I got.

Crazy lady!

- Oh, babies, where are you?
- Up there now, get goin'!

Longfellow Deeds, Mandrake Falls
volunteer fire chief. I'll be up there in a jiff, buddy.

- He's crazy!
- He's going up there right now, though.

- Look at him.
- Where's he going?

Watch it, man!

- Hey, Sully, who's that guy up there?
- I don't know.

He says he's from
the Mandrake Falls Fire Department.

- How the hell does 'e climb like that?
- He must have monkey blood in him or somethin'.

It's an honor to work
with New York's bravest, guys.

Be careful, Deeds!

- I'm gonna get ya.
- Where are you, babies? Babies, where are you?

- Ma'am!
- Oh, Lord, it's hot in here.

Calm down. Calm down.

- Kitties, come to mommy.
- Everything will be all right.

Okay, but I'm not leaving
without me kitties.

- How many do you got?
- Seven.

Holy shit! Let's get crackin'.

- I apologize for the language.
- Apology accepted.

- Fire excites me.
- Knock yourself out.

- Come 'ere, come 'ere.
- That's Freddy.

- Here we go!
- Whoo, my children!

- Nice catch, Pam!
- Good throw, Deeds!

- That's Frobo. Thank you, darlin'.
- Coming at you, boys.

I'll take that.

- There's a lot more.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Holy shit, it's a cat!

Full snap. I gotcha, kitty.

Nice grab!

One more to go.

Fifi, where are ya?

- I think I found Fifi.
- Oh, good!

Hang in there, buddy!

I got it, I got it!

Okay, let's do this together.

Oh, Deeds, be careful!

All right, they do it all the time.
Here we go.

Oh, shit!

Deeds.

I'm okay.

Are you okay?

Yes, I am. Thanks to you!

You're hurtin' me!

Longfellow Deeds is at it again.

His latest victim, Coretta Keeling,

whose only crime
was loving her cats too much.

And letting Deeds find out about it.

- I'm gonna get you!
- Go away!

- I love it.
- Here comes two!

- Cat killer, cat killer!
- After he finished with her cats,

he turned his sights
on Miss Keeling herself.

My God!

That's not what I shot.

Has Longfellow Deeds been locked up?
Of course not.

While the rest of us obey the law,
rich playboys like himself get to laugh at it.

Longfellow Deeds.
Our jackass of the week.

What the hell?
Who edited that?

I did. Your first cut was great,
but I needed to spice it up a bit.

The truth was a great story.

He saved that woman
and her seven cats.

- He was heroic!
- Heroic is nice.

- Depraved and insane is better.
- Hell, yeah!

Babe, this footage you're gettin',
gorgeous. Keep it comin'!

God, how can we do this
to such a sweet guy?

Sweet? Sweet?
Look at me!

Was 'e being sweet when he gave me
the most savage beating of my life?

- You were mugging me!
- Babe!

No one is as good
as this guy's pretending to be.

Don't be a sucker.

He doesn't deserve this.

He doesn't deserve you.

Ow, my neck!

I feel like an idiot.
They made me look like a fool, Jan.

I was thinking of going down
to that Inside Access place

and giving Mac McGrath
the beating of a lifetime.

That sounds like fun,
but don't stoop to their level.

You're better than that, Deedsy.

So hang in there. And know
that we are always here for you.

Thanks, Jan. My uncle really built
an amazing company.

Because of him,
50,000 people have jobs.

And he always tried
to do the right thing.

Well, he does sound amazing.

But don't forget,
he was related to you.

Enough about that.
Tell me more about this girl.

She's nice,
a small town kid, like me.

Deedsy, you sick ass mo' fo'...

You got to tap that before
she starts bonin' other guys, kid.

Boo-Yah!

He thinks it's you!
He thinks it's you!

- Let's go, Cedar. Put some steam on it, kid.
- Here it comes.

He's tryin' to kill me.
You're good at this.

You know, when you asked me to play,
I, uh, I thought you'd done this before.

No, Johnny McEnroe said
it was wicked easy.

Plus, it was my uncle's
favourite game, right?

- How'd you know that?
- I read it in his diary.

Really?

I didn't know he kept a diary.

Sorry about that, dude.

It's okay.
He's a new member.

Ball boy.

Ball boy!

All right, baby,
I'm ready for ya.

You okay?

- Not a problem.
- Anderson, you liked that, didn't you?

I did.

Listen, Deeds.
I got some good news.

Those papers will be ready
to sign tomorrow.

So you can relax knowing
your uncle's company's gonna be in good hands

and you can go home
40 billion dollars richer.

I actually was thinkin' about
maybe stickin' around here

- and goin' to some meetings with you.
- What?!

Fault!

I figured I could learn, you know,
like this tennis thing.

I swear to God,
I'm not tryin' to do that.

I don't gotta sell my shares
right away, do I?

Plus, I met this girl, Cedar.
I swear to God, I think she's the one.

That's wonderful for you.

Ooh, that got you
right in the throat, huh?

Gotta ask you, though. If it hits you,
is it my point or yours?

- Yours.
- Well, I'm winnin' then, I guess.

"Deeds info, meet in shower"?

Sweet Jesus!

Who are you?
And what do you wanna tell me?

I'm a junior producer
at Inside Access.

And I've information that will help you
get Deeds outta town. Interested?

Very. Providing the information is good
and you stop soaping your ass.

- You know Deeds' girlfriend?
- The school nurse.

Not quite.

Lucy, bring me the overnights.
J.D. will tell you where they are.

Hey. What the hell
are you doing in my chair?

Chuck Cedar.

I think you and I could
help each other out, Mr. McGrath.

- You excited about this trip?
- I'm so excited.

- Where are you taking me?
- I told you, that's a surprise.

Well?

Winchestertonfieldville,
Iowa

You gotta be shittin' me.

I never heard you curse before.

I'm that excited!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
All you Winchestertonfieldvillians,

recognize this little girl?

Hey, I'll give you a hint.
"I fell out of Boo Radley's apple tree"

"and my arm is killing me!"

Come on,
it's little Pammy Dawson!

Hello.

You related to Bill Dawson?

Yes, he's my... relative.

I think I remember you.

Did you used to have
a kind of hump on your back?

- Yes, that was me. I... I had a slight hump.
- Really?

Oh, this was no slight hump.

The girl I'm thinkin' of looked like
she had a damn beach ball on her back.

Okay, it was a huge hump
and I'm a little sensitive about it.

Look, Martha,
it's Quasimodo, all growed up.

How wonderful!
I thought you died.

She actually became a school nurse.

- You're a nurse?
- Yes.

What should I do about this?

- I would call dr. Pepper.
- Who?

It was so great seeing everybody again.
We're gonna leave now.

Bye.

- Hi, mailman.
- Mornin'.

How you doin'?

Oh, my God, there it is.

Blue shutters, red door, tire swing.
That's your house, isn't it?

Wouldn't you know it?

Come on.

Hey, how you guys doing?
You know who she is?

Cause she actually used to live in this house
when she was a little girl.

It's true.

You live here and she used to live here.
You're practically cousins.

Wow... So many memories.

Where to begin?

This is our... fireplace...

where my dad would... build fires...

out of wood.

A-and this is the dining room,
where we would have our meals,

made of food.

Oh, and... this was
my brother's room.

My parents hated my brother.

My daddy built this house
with his bare hands six years ago.

Well, your daddy is a liar.

How come you...

Oh, he's choking. We should go.

- Help.
- What are you talkin' about?

- You're the nurse, come on, help 'im.
- Save him!

- Stand back, kids.
- He's gonna die!

- Take him to the hospital!
- Smack it out of 'im!

- Save him!
- Get it out of 'im!

Save him, please!

- That was amazing.
- Thank you.

- I saved his life.
- Yeah...

You're my hero, nurse Dawson.

Thank you, thank you.

- Good parking job, buddy.
- Thanks, Deeds.

Testing, testing.

I had such a wonderful time.

- Thank you for such a... great day.
- Oh, yeah.

- Thanks for showin' me your town.
- I hope sometime to see your hometown.

Maybe someday this will be
my new hometown.

Deeds...

- There's something I have to tell you.
- What's the matter?

What?

Go back to New Hampshire
and... enjoy being rich.

Just...

don't let anyone hurt you
anymore, okay?

Sucker.

Pam!

I made a card for ya.

It's kinda dumb.

I never worked on anything harder,
though, so don't laugh at me.

Remember we went to the restaurant
that first night

and you ordered chicken parmesan?

So I drew you a plate.

There's the chicken
and the cheese and...

the linguini. That actually took me
a long time with the squigglies.

It's beautiful.

There's a poem inside for ya.

"Hard to breathe, feels like floating"

"So full of love my heart's exploding"

"Mouth is dry, hands are shaking"

"My heart is yours for the taking"

"Acting weird, not myself"

"Dancing around like the Keebler elf"

That was funny.

"Finally time for this poor schlub"

"To know how it feels to fall in lub."

Couldn't think of anything else
that rhymes with "schlub".

"Rub" and "tub" didn't work.

- Wow!
- I'm sorry, Deeds.

- I'm really sorry.
- Don't be sorry, that was unbelievable.

Hi, Mrs... Finch... and Atticus.

Sleep well.

- Al, I'm gonna walk home.
- Okay, Deeds.

- I love New York!
- Nobody cares!

I'm in love with 'im.

And I'm gonna see him tonight
and I'm telling him everything.

- He'll probably punch you in the face.
- I kinda hope he does.

Ah, come on, Babe,
snap out of it.

You really wanna throw all this away
for a dipshit like that?

He's not a dipshit. He's a good-hearted guy
who we think is a weirdo

because he doesn't share
our sense of ironic detachment.

- All this... hip, snide, smart-alecky...
- ... bullshit?

Yes, bullshit.

Well, in a few moments,
I'm gonna put on my Versace overcoat,

get into my Mercedes,
drive to my Fifth Avenue apartment

and squeeze my girlfriend's
big, fake boobs.

And that bullshit you're talkin' about
paid for all of it.

Good for you, Mac.
But I'm still telling him.

Well...

Babe Bennett falls in love.
I'm happy for you. I am.

Gonna miss you, Babe.
Something fierce.

You think she's gonna like this?

All right.

Chicken parmesan?
Terrific, thank you.

Let's hear it.

- She gonna like that, Mr. Deeds.
- Okay.

- Emilio, it looks beautiful.
- Thank you.

I think These roses might be a little
too high. I won't be able to see 'er.

- Do we have anything smaller?
- Yes, sir.

Okay.

Byron?

That's terrific.

- Would you mind sittin' down for a second?
- Yes, sir.

Say something to me.
Pretend you're her.

- Me, sir?
- Please.

Well...

Iit's nice of you to have invited me
to dine with you this evening.

It's my pleasure.

Actually, you're a little too tall.
Can you slink down?

- Like this?
- That's good.

This is one of the best dates
I've ever been on.

You make me feel very special.

You make me feel very special, too.

That's why
I got this for ya.

Okay, can you lean forward?

- I really like you a lot.
- I like you, too.

- I can't stop thinking about you.
- I can't stop thinking about you.

Please, let me touch your feet.

Okay, this is gettin' weird.
You can stand up now.

- Deeds!
- Fellas!

We wanted to come and wish you
the best on your big night.

Oh, thanks a lot. I'm so nervous.
I never asked anybody to marry me before.

It's 7:30.
Time for "Inside Access".

We're not in for
any more nasty surprises, are we?

I don't think so. I haven't done
anything stupid all day. I've been here.

Let's see what kinda lame show they put on
when they don't have Deeds to pick on.

Excuse me!

- Could you put on Channel 8, please?
- You got it.

Welcome to "Inside Access".
I'm Mac McGrath.

All of us here at I.A. take pride
in our ability to handle

every story with
sensitivity and empathy...

Okay, pal.

while maintaining
an appropriate journalistic distance.

But what happens when a reporter
becomes part of what she's reporting?

What happens when a journalist
falls in love with an idiot?

That's Longfellow Deeds
with Pam Dawson.

- I can't believe they involved her into this.
- A school nurse...

... who recently moved to New York City
from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.

But wait. Doesn't Pam Dawson
bear a striking resemblance to...

Babe Bennett,
a producer here at "Inside Access"?

In fact, the two are
one and the same.

We're gonna wire your apartment
with state-of-the-art surveillance video.

Sounds good.

Deeds.

I came here to... try to explain.

I'm the biggest sucker in the world, fellas.

- This town can be brutal.
- I don't belong here.

I can't run the company,
I can't even run my own damn life.

Sure you can.
The good news is the papers are ready,

so, once you sign 'em, we'll get our stock
and you'll get your 40 billion dollars.

I don't want that money.
Just give it to a charity.

- What's a good charity?
- The United Negro College Fund?

Okay, give it to those guys.

Can we give you a ride to the airport?
The company chopper will take you home.

Thanks, anyway.
I'll be all right on my own.

- Nice meeting you all.
- Nice meeting you, Deeds.

Goodbye!

Goodbye.

It's not right. It's not right.

Hi. You must be Jan. My name is...

I know who you are.
Wham-bam Dawson.

A.k.a. Little Miss Slut-Slut.

Okay, I deserve that.

Do you have any idea
how much you hurt him?

You're not getting
anywhere near that boy.

I have to find him and there's nothing
you can do to stop me.

- There's a lot I can do to stop you.
- He needs to know how bad I feel.

And that I would go
to the end of the earth,

I would do anything, anything
to take back what I did to him.

I'm sorry, all I heard was
"Blah, blah, blah, I'm a dirty tramp".

Tell you what. You get by me...

I'll tell you where he is.

Feelin' crazy!

Okay.

Come to mama.

I was a rodeo clown for six years.
You're gonna have to step it up a notch, shorty.

You mean like this?

Where were you kickin'?
I ain't got no balls, dummy!

Get up!

- Put me down!
- You got it!

- Just tell me where Deeds is.
- Bring your bony ass over here.

I wanna cut you into
eight slices of bitch-eroni.

Are you... are you all right?

Good kick, honey. Good kick.

Crazy Eyes!

- All right.
- Here you go.

Peanut butter and gumballs.
Nice combo.

Don't worry about what happened.
Time heals all things.

Except these crazy eyes.

It's good to be home.
I know that much.

I wasn't talkin' to you, Deeds.
I was talkin' to that squirrel over there.

Although it is a shame
about that Cedar fellow

tearing apart your uncle's company
and firing all those nice people.

Where'd you hear that?

Oh, I watch the stock market channel
all the time.

I just watch cause I suspect that anchorman
of being an evil leprechaun.

He can bullshit everybody else,
but he ain't foolin' me.

There it is.

Someone!

Help!

Deeds! Help!

Deeds! Help!

Oh, God! Deeds!

Oh, my God! Deeds!

Deeds!

Where do you got the camera hidden,
in the woods?

No camera.
I'm so... so cold. Please!

You gonna get mugged
in there, too?

I'm so... sorry.

I really... love you.

B-b-b-b-bullshit!

Hey.

Hey!

I'm comin'!

Go down! Go down!
Here comes the black foot.

No!

I know it's gross, but grab it.

Okay.

I got you. I got you.

- Oh, God, your foot is disgusting!
- I know, I know. Come 'ere.

Come on, you okay?
You okay?

I think so.

You didn't really fall out
of an apple tree, did you?

No.

But I really love you.

I don't even know who you are.

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry.

A company in tatters. Preston Blake's
great legacy gone to the highest bidder.

The shocking announcement from Chuck
Cedar today confirmed that Blake Media

will be stripped down
and sold off piece by piece.

The only man who could stand up
to Mr. Cedar and save the company,

Longfellow Deeds, has apparently
given up his voting rights and left the city.

The sale is expected to pass
with unanimous consent

at the annual stockholders' meeting
here in New York tomorrow afternoon.

Sources indicate that virtually
all of Blake's 50,000 employees

are likely to lose their jobs.

Hey, wait a minute.
I'm a Blake employee.

Holy shit! This sucks.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the bottom line is that this divestiture

will result in every shareholder,
all of you and myself included

getting a substantial premium
for our shares.

But before we vote, the company
bylaws require me to open the floor

to shareholders for statements
either for or against this buy-out plan.

Does anyone wish
to make a statement?

Dismantling this company
would be an insult to a great man.

You scared me.

It is an unspeakable outrage
and it cannot be allowed to happen.

Excuse me.
I got a statement.

Longfellow Deeds.

Unfortunately, since you sold me
your 300 million shares,

- you have no right to speak at this meeting.
- Well, unfortunately for you,

I bought one share of Blake Media
this mornin'.

You told me every stockholder
has a say in this company.

Even the little guy.

You got two minutes, Deeds, but just remember,
I now control 49 percent of this company.

So, you're gonna have to persuade
just about everyone else

to... start hating money.

Hello, everybody. I'm Deeds.

For a little while,
I was a big part of this company.

I was wicked rich and powerful.

Now, being rich and powerful
isn't a bad thing.

It looks like the Monopoly guy over there
is pretty darned psyched about it.

But the problem is
what can happen when you decide

that you would do absolutely anything
to become rich and powerful.

I don't know who licked the red off
your lollipop today, son,

but you are preaching
to the wrong choir.

All I'm sayin' is,
when you were kids,

did you dream about becomin'
a savvy investor one day,

who would think with his wallet
instead of his heart?

Come on, I know I didn't.

I wanted to be a fireman.

I wanted to be the guy everybody
called on if they were in trouble.

I wanted to help people...

and yeah, I wanted to slide down
those wicked awesome poles.

But money, that was
the last thing I thought about.

What about you, sir?
Did you wanna be a fireman?

No, I did not.

Truth be told,
I wanted to be a veterinarian.

Cool. Why would you wanna do that?

- I wanted to help sick animals.
- And what do you do now?

I own a chain of slaughterhouses.

Okay. You kinda went the other way
on that one, didn't you?

Okay.

In the back. Come on.
Tell me what you wanted to be.

I wanted to be a magician.

- And what do you do now?
- I operate a pornographic website.

That makes people happy also, I guess.
But kind of in a grosser way.

- Who else?
- I wanted to be a senator.

- I wanted to be a florist.
- International House Pancake.

I wanted to be a man.

Ah, that explains a lot.

I wanted to be
a ping-pong champion.

But you're not those things
you wanted to be, are ya?

Everybody made a compromise,
then another compromise, and now,

you're about to put 50,000 people
out of work just to make a quick buck? Come on.

I bet if we ran into the 6th-grade versions
of ourselves right now,

they would kick our asses all over the place
and put Bubble Yum in our hair

for even thinkin' about doin' this.

He's right.
I would've beat my greedy ass red.

I would've thrown myself
off the merry-go-round.

I would've tied myself naked to a chair
and burned myself with lit cigarettes.

Did anybody here dream
about becomin' a psychiatrist?

Just kiddin', pal.

There's still hope
for the kids inside of all of us.

Please, don't break up
my uncle's company.

I always wanted to do that.

Well...

that was very touching, Deeds.

It appears this divestiture
has been defeated.

Unless I'm forgetting something.

My 300 million votes

plus the 5 million votes I control
as proxy for the foreign investors.

So, which way should I vote
my 51 percent?

I vote "aye". 305 million times.

The "ayes" have it.
And Blake Media is no more.

Not so fast, Chuck.

Too bad for you, when I was a kid,
I wanted to be a good reporter.

Miss Bennett, I wasn't aware
that you were a stockholder.

There's a couple things
you're not aware of.

Like how to tweeze your eyebrows,
for instance.

Also, when Deeds gave away his fortune,
he gave away something that wasn't his.

- What are you talking about?
- I have here the diary of Preston Blake.

I stole it and read it.

Please don't be mad at me.
I did it for good reasons, I promise.

I would like to read a passage from
Mr. Blake's diary... dated April 12, 1957.

"I am a volcano of lust."

"I've gotten this far in business
by following my heart."

"And I must follow it now... in love."

"If she just gives me a sign,
an opening."

Want me to wipe the leaves
on your ficus tree, Mr. Blake?

You can call me Preston.

Want me to wipe the leaves
on your ficus tree... Preston?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

Who was this mystery woman?

I have here the Blake Media ledger
sign-in book from April, 1957.

On the night of the 12th, there was
only one woman working on Preston Blake's floor.

Sadly, nine months later, she died,
giving birth to a son.

- A son born... January 23, 1958.
- That is my birthday.

- To Miss Consuela Lopez.
- That is my mother.

- And the rightful heir to 40 billion dollars!
- That is my money?

A simple DNA test will show...

that Emilio Lopez is
the majority stockholder to Blake Media.

- It is my money!
- That's your money!

That is my money!

- Way to go, Emilio!
- I will do good things.... good things for everyone.

Free flamenco lessons for all.

People, people! Please!

- That is my money.
- Don't be misled. These are all lies.

Mr. Cedar...

you are fired.

You can't fire me!

I'm in control!

Get your hands off me!
I'm Chuck Cedar!

At the lake,
when you saved my life,

which I never got a chance
to properly thank you for...

- You're welcome.
- ... you said that you did not know who I was.

And it made me realize
I don't know who I am.

So-so I started working on it
and here's what I got so far.

My name is Babe Bennett.
I grew up in Syossett, Long Island.

I have brown eyes and I don't know
what my natural hair colour is anymore.

When I was in 5th grade,
I got a crush on Walter Cronkite.

And I-and I really did have that... Holly Hobby
notebook I was telling you about.

I love Bruce Springsteen, Almond Roca
and Abbott and Costello movies.

I-I don't like liquorish or my ankles.

More importantly,
I know that I messed up real bad.

And I'd be willing to spend
the rest of my life

begging you to give me
another chance,

because I am so deeply
in love with you

and... I know that it's definitely
that forever kind of love...

You're crazy.

You have beautiful ankles.

Let's go home.

You're fired! You! You!

Oh, you, sir.
You are definitely fired.

I'd, uh, like to stay. I think I can really do
some good if I just... got another chance.

Not fired. But tomorrow morning,
you let me change your socks.

Okay.

And you, Long-Long-Longfellow...

you are the one
who made all this possible

with your beautiful words
and your beautiful spirit.

And Miss Bennett,
with her beautiful research.

How can I thank you?

All I want is your friendship, Emilio.
You're a good man.

I'll miss ya.

Deeds!

- How about 1 billion dollars?
- All right.

Done.

Holy jeez!

I can't believe it!

- What's that, Deedsy?
- It's a letter from Hallmark.

They're actually gonna buy
one o' my cards.

- My gosh! Which one?
- The one I wrote for you, do you remember it?

Do I remember?

"Hard to breathe, feels like floating"

"So full of love my heart's exploding"

"Mouth is dry, hands are shaking"

"My heart is yours for the taking"

"Acting weird, not myself"

"Dancing around like the Keebler elf"

"Finally time for this poor schlub"

"To know how it feels to fall in lub"

I'm so proud of you!

Can you believe
Deeds bought us all these?

Damn, these things are fast!

I'm okay!

I'm okay!