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1
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:09,313
♪
2
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,099
The museum received a shipment
of medieval artifacts
3
00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,231
from a European donor
last week.
4
00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:16,059
But whenever we try
to put them on display,
5
00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:18,627
the pieces start to parry around
on their own.
6
00:00:18,670 --> 00:00:20,194
Wow, cool!
7
00:00:20,237 --> 00:00:22,413
Well, it's a spectacle
to behold, for sure,
8
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:24,676
but there are swords
involved.
9
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,069
Are you sure you want me
to undo the one thing
10
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,462
that might make this museum
interesting?
11
00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,159
It's an insurance issue.
12
00:00:29,203 --> 00:00:31,379
It is?
Okay, good enough.
13
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:33,076
Well, milady,
rest assured.
14
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,991
Pac is on the job,
15
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,472
so you can go back
to curing whatever diseases
16
00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:39,430
-you cure here...
-I curate art.
17
00:00:39,474 --> 00:00:42,085
...and I can parry on
down here.
18
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:43,478
Well,
just be careful.
19
00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:45,610
Some of these pieces
are beyond value.
20
00:00:45,654 --> 00:00:47,917
Sure, sure, sure, sure.
21
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,440
Oh, yeah.
22
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:52,356
♪
23
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,749
[blows]
24
00:00:55,968 --> 00:00:57,535
Wherefore art thou,
ghost?
25
00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,189
[electricity buzzes]
26
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:04,368
♪
27
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:09,373
Come on.
I don't got all day.
28
00:01:09,417 --> 00:01:11,071
I mean, I do,
but I just--
29
00:01:11,114 --> 00:01:12,637
I'd rather finish up
before this Adderall...
30
00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:14,248
[metal creaks]
31
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:17,642
Yeah.
32
00:01:17,686 --> 00:01:19,644
Okay. Ah,
33
00:01:19,688 --> 00:01:21,690
I got you,
you little fuck face.
34
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:23,692
♪
35
00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:29,480
Oh, God, my back
is killing me.
36
00:01:29,524 --> 00:01:32,092
Oh, these pistachios.
37
00:01:33,310 --> 00:01:35,617
[groaning]
38
00:01:35,660 --> 00:01:37,097
Aha!
39
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:41,362
My button's stuck.
40
00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:42,667
You got
my button there.
41
00:01:42,711 --> 00:01:44,539
Let go, you big...
[grunts]
42
00:01:44,582 --> 00:01:46,280
-[crashes]
-Oh, shit, no!
43
00:01:46,323 --> 00:01:48,282
Uh-uh.
That's not on me.
44
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,762
That's-- that's on you,
Knight of the Living Dead!
45
00:01:50,806 --> 00:01:53,243
I am no knight.
46
00:01:53,287 --> 00:01:56,507
I am King Stevelyn
Newcastle.
47
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,727
Okay.
48
00:01:58,770 --> 00:02:00,685
But that's still
on you.
49
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:05,647
♪
50
00:02:36,112 --> 00:02:37,940
What sorcery is this
51
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:40,986
that a man can confer
with spirits?
52
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,814
I'm a medium.
It's an accepted thing.
53
00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:45,208
Why have you the cloak
of a wizard, then?
54
00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:47,471
Cloak of a wiz--
oh, shit, no.
55
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:49,038
It's a hoodie.
They call it a hood-- hoodie
56
00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:50,561
'cause it's got
a hood on it.
57
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,650
I'm guessing you're not
from around here.
58
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:54,565
I reigned over
a kingdom once.
59
00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:56,785
-There it is.
-A magnificent kingdom
60
00:02:56,828 --> 00:02:58,352
in a land far off.
61
00:02:58,395 --> 00:03:00,180
One day, my men and I
were returning
62
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,486
from a most fruitful hunt
in the White Wood.
63
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:05,663
My son--
my only son Lonathan
64
00:03:05,707 --> 00:03:07,970
was on the ripe tip
of manhood.
65
00:03:08,013 --> 00:03:09,624
[snickers]
66
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:12,192
I'm sorry. As you were,
Your Majesty.
67
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:13,932
But as we neared
the kingdom gates,
68
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,804
we fell under siege.
69
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:20,069
[yelling]
70
00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:22,202
And when I turned
my back...
71
00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:23,290
[groans]
72
00:03:23,333 --> 00:03:24,900
...betrayal.
73
00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,600
-[groans]
-[laughs]
74
00:03:29,644 --> 00:03:31,123
Twice crossed
75
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:34,039
by my most trusted
knight,
76
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,041
Jerryd the Liar.
77
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:37,739
Jerryd the Liar?
78
00:03:37,782 --> 00:03:39,567
I probably should have
seen it cometh.
79
00:03:39,610 --> 00:03:43,527
-Maybe a little bit.
-Jerryd took the crown that day.
80
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:46,922
And darkness
spread across the land
81
00:03:46,965 --> 00:03:50,012
like syphilis
across a whore's lady-flower.
82
00:03:50,055 --> 00:03:53,494
The throne must be returned
to my bloodline, hooded man.
83
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:56,975
Peace and honor
must be restored.
84
00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:59,500
Yeah, I'm not doing
this job.
85
00:03:59,543 --> 00:04:01,284
What do you mean you're not
going to do it?
86
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:03,330
Your ghost is
an old-timey king
87
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:04,592
and his
unfinished business
88
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:06,028
is basically impossible
for me to do
89
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,856
because of how much time
has passed, understand?
90
00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,772
Also, he, uh-- he knocked over
one of your things over here.
91
00:04:10,815 --> 00:04:12,164
Which king?
92
00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:15,516
-Uh...
-Stevelyn Newcastle.
93
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:18,214
-Stevelyn Newcastle.
-Steve?
94
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,043
Steve was a cashier
at the museum gift shop
95
00:04:21,086 --> 00:04:22,523
who was really into
LARPing.
96
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:23,654
Oh, shit.
97
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:25,177
Is that when you let
a llama
98
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,657
lick peanut butter
out of your smelly button?
99
00:04:26,701 --> 00:04:28,268
-What?
-Hmm?
100
00:04:28,311 --> 00:04:31,009
LARPing stands for Live Action
Role Playing.
101
00:04:31,053 --> 00:04:33,360
I cast a lightning bolt
on you!
102
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:36,014
I block it with the armor
of Delyrium Onyx!
103
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,407
Lightning bolt, lightning bolt,
lightning bolt!
104
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,844
[yelling, grunting]
105
00:04:39,888 --> 00:04:41,672
Oh, wait!
Just-- can you hold on?
106
00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:44,284
Stevelyn Newcastle
was his character's name.
107
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:47,112
[grunting]
108
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:49,767
-[grunting, yelling]
-[laughing]
109
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,640
Oh, death!
[groans]
110
00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:53,902
He was so into
LARPing,
111
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,165
he actually died
while playing the game.
112
00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:58,036
[grunts]
113
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:01,301
You gotta be
kidding me!
114
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:03,738
I know not of what
this pasty peasant speaks,
115
00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:05,435
nor do I know
of this Steve.
116
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:07,176
-Oh, shit.
-What?
117
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:09,700
Steve-- Stevelyn--
died in character,
118
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:12,181
so now he's trapped
in character as a ghost.
119
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:15,315
I can't stand the idea
of Steve's weirdo ghost
120
00:05:15,358 --> 00:05:16,881
roaming around
all these weapons.
121
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:20,102
Hooded man,
I implore thee.
122
00:05:20,145 --> 00:05:24,324
Return the kingdom of Quam
to my only son, Lonathan.
123
00:05:24,367 --> 00:05:25,368
♪
124
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,414
[sighs]
125
00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:29,546
This is gonna be
so fucking hard.
126
00:05:29,590 --> 00:05:31,374
No, I'll double the fee.
127
00:05:31,418 --> 00:05:33,420
So she agreed
to pay you triple?
128
00:05:33,463 --> 00:05:34,986
Yeah. I wouldn't get
too excited, though.
129
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,901
I have a feeling there's
some nerdy shit ahead.
130
00:05:36,945 --> 00:05:38,338
Yeah, no kidding.
This LARPing game
131
00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:40,035
-sounds lame, huh?
-Yeah. Here we are.
132
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:42,037
This is where the ghost said
we'd find his son
133
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,995
-"laying in wait."
-[chuckling]
134
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:45,736
It's so stupid!
135
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:50,393
♪
136
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:52,177
Good day.
137
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:55,398
Is, uh, one of you handsome
young squires Prince Lonathan?
138
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:56,878
Prince Lonathan?
139
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:59,054
-You know him?
-I do.
140
00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:02,623
He was... me.
141
00:06:02,666 --> 00:06:05,016
You're Steve's son?
142
00:06:05,060 --> 00:06:06,583
No, no.
143
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:09,586
Lonathan was Stevelyn's son
in the game.
144
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:11,283
Ah. Okay, look,
145
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,285
-I'm a medium...
-Uh-huh.
146
00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:15,984
...and I was speaking to
the ghost of Steve-- Stevelyn.
147
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:18,900
And the "king"
needs his "son"
148
00:06:18,943 --> 00:06:20,728
to retake
the "throne."
149
00:06:20,771 --> 00:06:22,730
Oh, I-- I'm really sorry.
150
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,122
I would love
to help you out,
151
00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:27,125
but... when my father
was slain,
152
00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:30,694
his bannermen disbanded
to all corners of Quam.
153
00:06:30,738 --> 00:06:33,131
I am now forced
to live out my days
154
00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:35,351
as a lowly shopkeep
155
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:38,528
unless by some miracle
of Zeus
156
00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:42,532
you are able to round up
my father's knights.
157
00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,142
[groans]
158
00:06:45,753 --> 00:06:48,277
♪
159
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:55,284
[chatter over P.A.]
160
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:58,548
[knocking]
161
00:06:58,592 --> 00:07:00,289
Hi.
162
00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:01,638
Excuse me.
163
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:06,208
Are you, uh,
Yorba the Goblin-Slayer?
164
00:07:06,251 --> 00:07:08,732
Yes, sir. As a matter of fact,
we have several wooden lamps.
165
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:10,299
We have oak, birch--
166
00:07:10,342 --> 00:07:12,257
Hey, I'm looking
for Roeble the Insane.
167
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:13,998
Well...
168
00:07:14,042 --> 00:07:16,479
-[headset feedback squeals]
-...you fucking found him.
169
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:17,915
[dial tone beeping]
170
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:21,005
Do I miss the Golden
Battle Axe? Sure, I do.
171
00:07:21,049 --> 00:07:24,008
Do I miss slaying goblins?
Of course.
172
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:27,403
So, yeah, I'm in.
173
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,883
Oh, okay!
174
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:30,493
[imitates axe whooshing]
175
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:32,190
If I don't kill someone
in LARPing,
176
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,715
I'm gonna have to start
killing people in real life.
177
00:07:34,758 --> 00:07:36,543
Is that a cry
for help?
178
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:39,284
-It's a cry for battle.
-When we're done with all this,
179
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:40,808
we should probably get you
somebody to talk to.
180
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:43,463
Do I look like
I need that?
181
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,160
Yeah.
182
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:46,596
Well, I have one
more knight.
183
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,511
The, uh, Neck-ro-manker?
184
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:51,993
[Scottish accent]
The Necromancer...
185
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:54,038
-Necromancer.
-...is a she.
186
00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:56,737
-Ooh.
-Ye shall find her at...
187
00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:58,826
[normal accent]
...Lowell's Funeral Home.
188
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:01,002
Wait, wait.
It's not...
189
00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:03,483
Yes!
A million times, yes.
190
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,574
Ugh.
191
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:10,881
-Stand up.
-[horn honks]
192
00:08:12,448 --> 00:08:14,102
Good news,
Your Royal Vaginess.
193
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:16,104
Your infantry
has arrived.
194
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:20,761
-Knights, enter!
-[imitates trumpet]
195
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,980
♪
196
00:08:27,768 --> 00:08:28,899
[inhaler hisses]
197
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:35,515
[sneezes]
198
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:55,709
The greatest fellowship
e'er assembled.
199
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:58,059
♪
200
00:08:58,102 --> 00:08:59,800
I'm sorry.
201
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,281
But it was for naught.
202
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:04,456
What do you mean
it was for naught?
203
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,067
We got
the whole flock there.
204
00:09:06,110 --> 00:09:07,764
Frankly, I didn't really
expect you to pull it off.
205
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:10,462
So what's this? This was just
a big, elaborate rouge?
206
00:09:10,506 --> 00:09:11,986
-A ruse.
-So you admit it.
207
00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:14,118
No, I'm just
correcting you.
208
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:16,120
Whatever.
209
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:18,514
After Jerryd
slayed my father,
210
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,733
I let my guard down.
211
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,386
Castration!
212
00:09:21,430 --> 00:09:23,824
[screams]
213
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:27,567
Behold the scrotum
of Lonathan!
214
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:30,134
[cries]
215
00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:33,224
I'm sorry, but I cannot fight
without my balls.
216
00:09:35,357 --> 00:09:36,358
[whines]
217
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:41,406
You don't need
your imaginary balls to fight!
218
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:44,148
What king would I make
if I couldn't sire an heir?
219
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:46,194
It's all make-believe!
Boom, I'm a wizard.
220
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:48,675
Lonathan, you magically
have your nuts back. Ta-da!
221
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:51,982
He's so...
222
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:56,247
I appreciate your attempts
to cheer me up,
223
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:58,598
but only
a 10th-level wizard
224
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,556
can grant
regeneration spells.
225
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:04,734
Wait. There is a 10th-level
wizard by the name of Marlin.
226
00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:07,868
Oh, yes! Marlin! He lives out
in the Wick of Bushes!
227
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:09,739
-You mean Bushwick?
-The wizard Marlin
228
00:10:09,783 --> 00:10:13,308
possesses the almighty Staff
of Many Snakes.
229
00:10:13,351 --> 00:10:14,701
Yes.
230
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:16,964
There isn't a whore
in all of Quam
231
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:20,358
that wouldn't fuck Marlin
for a glance at that staff.
232
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:23,884
Why, what's so cool
about it?
233
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:27,017
The staff can not only
regenerate my testicles,
234
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:30,455
but it can enhance the abilities
of every one of us.
235
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:31,674
[sighs, snaps fingers]
236
00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:33,415
Okay, well,
what are we waiting for?
237
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:35,460
-We're off to see the wizard.
-Wait!
238
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,245
♪
239
00:10:37,288 --> 00:10:41,336
Only residents of Quam
may enter Marlin's temple.
240
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:44,556
♪
241
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:46,820
You may now select
at random
242
00:10:46,863 --> 00:10:48,691
your character cards.
243
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:51,607
Just pick one, man.
244
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,829
-Huh, some sort of a hunchback.
-[chuckles]
245
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:58,440
Look again, Clyde.
That is no hunch.
246
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:03,140
Oh, yeah. That's a sack
of human heads.
247
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:04,968
I'm to be
a great warrior!
248
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:07,579
With the sharpest blade
in all of Quam.
249
00:11:07,623 --> 00:11:08,885
Huzzah!
250
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:11,322
-Ah!
-You shall henceforth be known
251
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,716
as Leoclydis Newcastle.
252
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,544
♪
253
00:11:15,587 --> 00:11:17,720
Newcastle?
254
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:19,243
That means
you and I are...
255
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,505
Brothers.
256
00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:26,773
[imitating
instruments playing]
257
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,080
When in Rome.
258
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:35,346
Brother,
I'd die for thee.
259
00:11:35,390 --> 00:11:37,522
And I for thee.
260
00:11:37,566 --> 00:11:40,525
-Welcome, welcome, welcome!
-Okay, yay! My turn.
261
00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,963
My turn.
262
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,747
♪
263
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:47,837
Oh, shit, yeah.
A centaur.
264
00:11:47,881 --> 00:11:50,405
-[laughing]
-Centaur!
265
00:11:50,448 --> 00:11:53,190
That means your mother
was fucked by a horse!
266
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,976
-What?
-Go eat slop, horse-fucker!
267
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,629
Whatever. Okay,
let's just carry on
268
00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:58,848
with the fucking mission.
269
00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:00,458
You heard
this abomination.
270
00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:02,417
-Load up!
-What?
271
00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,549
What are you doing?
What the hell?! Ow!
272
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:05,725
-What the f--
-Shut your mouth,
273
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,378
you horse-fucker.
Shut it.
274
00:12:07,422 --> 00:12:10,077
Shut-- shut up!
275
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,818
-To the Wick of Bushes!
-Ho!
276
00:12:11,861 --> 00:12:14,037
Hold this.
This is all I have.
277
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,257
Go on. Get!
[clicks tongue]
278
00:12:16,300 --> 00:12:19,042
-Come on!
-Fuck.
279
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:22,350
♪
280
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,060
[doorbell rings]
281
00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:38,932
Who goes there?
282
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:43,066
It is I, Prince Lonathan
Newcastle, son of Stevelyn.
283
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,938
The prince
will not a king be
284
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,070
unless he answers
these riddles three.
285
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:49,464
Come on, man!
It's freezing out here.
286
00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:51,074
My back hurts.
287
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:55,862
All right. Come in.
Let me put on my shit.
288
00:13:00,170 --> 00:13:01,781
Guys?
289
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:03,217
-[door closes]
-Fuck.
290
00:13:03,260 --> 00:13:05,741
♪
291
00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:09,832
The Staff of Many Snakes
is in my locker,
292
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:12,487
so this potion will serve
as a substitute.
293
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,010
Really?
294
00:13:14,054 --> 00:13:15,925
You guys
are all okay with that?
295
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,493
Well, Marlin
is a 10th-level wizard.
296
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,234
10th-level jizzard.
297
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:23,237
[speaking foreign language]
298
00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:36,032
[laughing]
299
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:37,381
It's a trap!
300
00:13:37,425 --> 00:13:39,340
Of course it was a trap,
you fools.
301
00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:41,559
I pledged fealty
to King Jerryd last week.
302
00:13:41,603 --> 00:13:44,127
He's been watching
this entire ceremony
303
00:13:44,171 --> 00:13:45,999
from inside
the microwave.
304
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:47,957
[laughing]
305
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,568
-Fuck.
-Curse you, Jerryd the Liar!
306
00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,919
Curse all of you,
Newcastles!
307
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:55,486
You should see the look
on your sniveling little--
308
00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:57,227
sorry, guys.
Is there a way
309
00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:59,882
so I don't have to see myself
here in the corner?
310
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:02,058
Push the--
the button at the bottom.
311
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:03,843
Oh, there it is.
Can you guys still see me?
312
00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:06,019
-Yeah.
-Okay, good.
313
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:07,542
You pathetic half-wits!
314
00:14:07,585 --> 00:14:09,022
That potion you drank
315
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:12,286
was not regenerative,
it was degenerative!
316
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:15,680
-[groaning]
-I fucking hate myself!
317
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,944
If you ever want
to LARP again,
318
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:20,947
you must pledge fealty to me,
King Jerryd the Liar,
319
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:24,080
at Fortress Greene Park
in one hour.
320
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:26,343
Except for
that foul centaur.
321
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:30,043
I have no need for the spawn
of horse-fuckers in my kingdom.
322
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:31,783
All right, you know what?
Fuck this shit.
323
00:14:31,827 --> 00:14:35,004
-I'm fucking out of here, man.
-[glass shatters]
324
00:14:35,048 --> 00:14:36,440
Ow!
325
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:37,789
If anyone
can bring some water
326
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:39,139
and maybe
some vitamin C tablets,
327
00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:40,357
that'd be really great.
328
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:41,532
I got really dehydrated
last time.
329
00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:46,668
Hello?
330
00:14:46,711 --> 00:14:49,323
Curator lady?
It's Kevin Pacalioglu.
331
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:50,933
I'm here to hand in
my tender resignation.
332
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:53,022
-What news have you of Quam?
-[sighs]
333
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:55,938
-Nothing great, Steve.
-[scoffs] Who's Steve?
334
00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:57,505
Jerryd castrated
Lonathan.
335
00:14:57,548 --> 00:14:58,941
Then we all went to visit
Marlin the wizard,
336
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,769
who double-crossed us,
surprise, surprise.
337
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:03,467
Now everyone is on their way
to surrender to the evil king.
338
00:15:03,511 --> 00:15:05,774
Surrender?
Why dost thou not fight?
339
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,819
Even if I wanted to,
which I don't,
340
00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:09,517
what chance
in seven hells
341
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,867
does a lowly centaur have
against Jerryd's army?
342
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,043
-Son of a horse-fucker.
-That's it.
343
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:16,959
-I'm out of here.
-You and only you,
344
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,440
noble steed-man,
can save the day.
345
00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:21,659
You just need
the Staff of Many Snakes.
346
00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:24,314
Only a wizard can wield
the staff or whatever.
347
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:26,360
The legend doesn't
specify wizard.
348
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:30,799
It merely says
neither man nor beast.
349
00:15:32,801 --> 00:15:35,064
Yeah.
350
00:15:35,108 --> 00:15:36,631
I'm not totally there.
351
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,069
A centaur,
being half man...
352
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,465
-...and half horse...
-Is neither!
353
00:15:44,508 --> 00:15:46,989
Ride, horse-fucker,
like the wind!
354
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:48,860
-Yes!
-Oh!
355
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:51,211
♪
356
00:15:51,254 --> 00:15:54,344
[dogs barking]
357
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,390
♪
358
00:16:02,831 --> 00:16:06,400
[horns honking]
359
00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:08,706
[beeping]
360
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,230
♪
361
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:13,059
Ride to the Palace
of Isolation.
362
00:16:13,102 --> 00:16:14,974
[bell rings]
363
00:16:15,017 --> 00:16:16,888
You must take
the Staff of Many Snakes
364
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,761
from the wizard Marlin
when he least expects it.
365
00:16:22,851 --> 00:16:25,071
Find a room
for a dwarf,
366
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:27,247
the 34th of such.
367
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,641
You may need
the Bar of Crow.
368
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,951
[grunts]
369
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,040
Looking for this?
370
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:43,393
Knights, I am sorry,
but I have failed ye.
371
00:16:43,437 --> 00:16:46,179
We have neither power
nor testicles.
372
00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:48,355
The time for surrender
is nigh.
373
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,704
[spits]
374
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,101
All right,
Barry Potter...
375
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:56,624
[clatters]
376
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,191
...let's see
what you're made of.
377
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,497
-Come on.
-I summon the electricity
378
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:02,369
of Zeus.
Lightning bolt,
379
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:04,110
lightning bolt,
lightning bolt!
380
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,329
-What the hell?
-[imitates ricochets]
381
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:08,810
Deflection!
Shield attack!
382
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,507
-[clangs]
-[grunts]
383
00:17:10,551 --> 00:17:12,553
Ha! Nailed ya!
384
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,208
[chuckles, panting]
385
00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:17,819
Marlin?
386
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,734
Hey, buddy.
387
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,997
Taking
a little sleep?
388
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,521
-Seriously, are you okay?
-[bell rings]
389
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:25,870
Oh, shit.
390
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:27,829
Tradesies.
391
00:17:27,872 --> 00:17:30,353
You're gonna love that shield,
I guarantee it.
392
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:33,487
Who is the most skilled fighter
in all of Quam?
393
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:35,402
-You are.
-And who is the best
394
00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:38,361
-at talking to females?
-You are.
395
00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:39,884
Indeed, I am.
396
00:17:39,928 --> 00:17:43,801
And do you pledge
undying fealty to me?
397
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,542
We do.
398
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:47,718
I've changed my mind.
399
00:17:47,762 --> 00:17:49,503
He twice-crossed us
again!
400
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:50,852
Kill them!
Kill them all!
401
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:53,028
Uh-uh,
not so fast!
402
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,943
The Staff
of Many Snakes!
403
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:55,987
Bingo!
404
00:17:56,031 --> 00:17:58,033
You imbecilic
barnyard creature!
405
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,427
Only a wizard
can wield the staff.
406
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,385
Wrong, Jerryd!
The wording says
407
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,996
neither man nor beast.
408
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,696
Guess what, dickhead.
A centaur is neither!
409
00:18:08,739 --> 00:18:11,264
Balderdash! If anything,
a centaur is both!
410
00:18:11,307 --> 00:18:12,917
Actually, uh,
I think he's right.
411
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,137
A centaur
is a foul monstrosity
412
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:16,834
-rejected by both communities.
-[sighs]
413
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:20,011
Well, yes,
but as a species the...
414
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,188
the origin of the...
415
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:23,580
You know what?
Let's consult the rule book
416
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:24,712
'cause this
is a head-scratcher.
417
00:18:24,755 --> 00:18:25,713
Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
418
00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:27,018
What's that?
419
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:28,846
Someone help me
with my bum.
420
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:29,847
Guys?
421
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:35,549
-Damn it.
-Yes!
422
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:37,377
♪
423
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:38,856
Prince Lonathan,
424
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:42,208
I give back to you
your balls.
425
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:45,254
Regeneration!
[imitates electric surge]
426
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:48,736
Yorba the Goblin-Slayer--
for you, the Golden Battle Axe.
427
00:18:48,779 --> 00:18:50,868
-[imitates electric surge]
-Oh!
428
00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:55,177
For you, the ability
to, like, uh, fly and shit.
429
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:58,180
[imitates electric surge]
And for you, my friend,
430
00:18:58,224 --> 00:19:00,443
the ability to sleep through
the night without farting
431
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:03,620
would be nice.
[imitates electric surge]
432
00:19:03,664 --> 00:19:07,146
-[grunts] That felt good.
-[yelling]
433
00:19:07,189 --> 00:19:09,539
Shit!
434
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,802
-Ah, shit.
-What of me, my lord?
435
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,674
Invisibility.
Ding!
436
00:19:13,717 --> 00:19:15,328
Oh, shit, Carol!
437
00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:17,243
-I'm right here.
-Carol, where'd you go?
438
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,854
Carol?
Get out of my face.
439
00:19:19,897 --> 00:19:22,335
-♪
-[yelling]
440
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:38,307
[laughing]
441
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,962
[shrieking]
442
00:19:41,005 --> 00:19:42,398
Yeah!
443
00:19:42,442 --> 00:19:44,748
-[grunting]
-Not the same scared little boy
444
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:47,186
you were when I slaughtered
your father.
445
00:19:47,229 --> 00:19:49,971
[yelling]
446
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,016
Jesus, that stings!
447
00:19:52,060 --> 00:19:54,280
Fuck! That
really stings, man.
448
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:55,368
Ow! Okay.
449
00:19:55,411 --> 00:19:57,152
I surrender,
all right?
450
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:01,722
-Whoo-hoo!
-Victory!
451
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,463
Well done, centaur.
452
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:06,901
Lonathan will make
a fair and just king.
453
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:10,209
-Castration!
-Ah!
454
00:20:10,252 --> 00:20:14,517
-In time.
-Testicles!
455
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:17,259
-Farewell, centaur.
-Farewell, king.
456
00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:19,435
[sighs]
457
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:23,047
-[crying]
-Anybody else want
458
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,006
their nuts chopped off?
459
00:20:28,139 --> 00:20:30,098
-[laughing]
-And then...
460
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:33,580
remember when I was like,
"Castration!"
461
00:20:33,623 --> 00:20:35,973
You-- you've gotten
so good, my lord.
462
00:20:36,017 --> 00:20:37,584
Remember when I gained
invisibility
463
00:20:37,627 --> 00:20:39,760
-and I smoked that knight?
-An invisible
464
00:20:39,803 --> 00:20:41,936
necromancer knight.
Now I've really
465
00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,459
borne witness
to everything.
466
00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:45,331
Remember where you got
the invisibility from?
467
00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:47,246
Will you shut your face,
centaur?
468
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:50,379
-Men are talking.
-Men without horses' asses.
469
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,294
-[laughing]
-Nice, nice!
470
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:53,730
-Me? I...
-Okay, okay, everyone.
471
00:20:53,774 --> 00:20:55,993
All right, all right.
It's now time
472
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:59,910
to name our MVK,
most valuable knight.
473
00:20:59,954 --> 00:21:03,914
Without his courage
and bravery,
474
00:21:03,958 --> 00:21:05,742
we would have
surely lost.
475
00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:08,310
The MVK goes to
476
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:10,138
-Leoclydis.
-Oh!
477
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,400
-I am just--
-Oh!
478
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:13,576
-Oh, my God!
-You were outstanding.
479
00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:15,709
-My king, you're too kind!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
480
00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:17,711
You are too kind.
Much too kind, my king.
481
00:21:17,754 --> 00:21:19,365
Pac, come on. I'm kind of
being honored here.
482
00:21:19,408 --> 00:21:21,192
Well, you kind of
didn't do anything.
483
00:21:22,629 --> 00:21:24,848
You filthy beast.
Go eat some hay!
484
00:21:24,892 --> 00:21:26,633
-Well said!
-Ha, that's good!
485
00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:29,200
-Huzzah! Huzzah!
-Thank you. Thank you.
486
00:21:29,244 --> 00:21:31,115
-Huzzah!
-[phone buzzes]
487
00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:35,337
-Did you hear about Marlin?
-What about him?
488
00:21:35,381 --> 00:21:37,339
He's in the hospital.
Apparently, he got jumped
489
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:39,602
-at school.
-We should send a card.
490
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,909
-I can calligraphy.
-Oh, really?
491
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:59,013
♪
492
00:21:59,056 --> 00:22:01,363
♪
33637
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