Original subtitles

♪

The museum received a shipment of medieval artifacts

from a European donor last week.

But whenever we try to put them on display,

the pieces start to parry around on their own.

Wow, cool!

Well, it's a spectacle to behold, for sure,

but there are swords involved.

Are you sure you want me to undo the one thing

that might make this museum interesting?

It's an insurance issue.

It is? Okay, good enough.

Well, milady, rest assured.

Pac is on the job,

so you can go back to curing whatever diseases

-you cure here... -I curate art.

...and I can parry on down here.

Well, just be careful.

Some of these pieces are beyond value.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Oh, yeah.

♪

[blows]

Wherefore art thou, ghost?

[electricity buzzes]

♪

Come on. I don't got all day.

I mean, I do, but I just--

I'd rather finish up before this Adderall...

[metal creaks]

Yeah.

Okay. Ah,

I got you, you little fuck face.

♪

Oh, God, my back is killing me.

Oh, these pistachios.

[groaning]

Aha!

My button's stuck.

You got my button there.

Let go, you big... [grunts]

-[crashes] -Oh, shit, no!

Uh-uh. That's not on me.

That's-- that's on you, Knight of the Living Dead!

I am no knight.

I am King Stevelyn Newcastle.

Okay.

But that's still on you.

♪

What sorcery is this

that a man can confer with spirits?

I'm a medium. It's an accepted thing.

Why have you the cloak of a wizard, then?

Cloak of a wiz-- oh, shit, no.

It's a hoodie. They call it a hood-- hoodie

'cause it's got a hood on it.

I'm guessing you're not from around here.

I reigned over a kingdom once.

-There it is. -A magnificent kingdom

in a land far off.

One day, my men and I were returning

from a most fruitful hunt in the White Wood.

My son-- my only son Lonathan

was on the ripe tip of manhood.

[snickers]

I'm sorry. As you were, Your Majesty.

But as we neared the kingdom gates,

we fell under siege.

[yelling]

And when I turned my back...

[groans]

...betrayal.

-[groans] -[laughs]

Twice crossed

by my most trusted knight,

Jerryd the Liar.

Jerryd the Liar?

I probably should have seen it cometh.

-Maybe a little bit. -Jerryd took the crown that day.

And darkness spread across the land

like syphilis across a whore's lady-flower.

The throne must be returned to my bloodline, hooded man.

Peace and honor must be restored.

Yeah, I'm not doing this job.

What do you mean you're not going to do it?

Your ghost is an old-timey king

and his unfinished business

is basically impossible for me to do

because of how much time has passed, understand?

Also, he, uh-- he knocked over one of your things over here.

Which king?

-Uh... -Stevelyn Newcastle.

-Stevelyn Newcastle. -Steve?

Steve was a cashier at the museum gift shop

who was really into LARPing.

Oh, shit.

Is that when you let a llama

lick peanut butter out of your smelly button?

-What? -Hmm?

LARPing stands for Live Action Role Playing.

I cast a lightning bolt on you!

I block it with the armor of Delyrium Onyx!

Lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt!

[yelling, grunting]

Oh, wait! Just-- can you hold on?

Stevelyn Newcastle was his character's name.

[grunting]

-[grunting, yelling] -[laughing]

Oh, death! [groans]

He was so into LARPing,

he actually died while playing the game.

[grunts]

You gotta be kidding me!

I know not of what this pasty peasant speaks,

nor do I know of this Steve.

-Oh, shit. -What?

Steve-- Stevelyn-- died in character,

so now he's trapped in character as a ghost.

I can't stand the idea of Steve's weirdo ghost

roaming around all these weapons.

Hooded man, I implore thee.

Return the kingdom of Quam to my only son, Lonathan.

♪

[sighs]

This is gonna be so fucking hard.

No, I'll double the fee.

So she agreed to pay you triple?

Yeah. I wouldn't get too excited, though.

I have a feeling there's some nerdy shit ahead.

Yeah, no kidding. This LARPing game

-sounds lame, huh? -Yeah. Here we are.

This is where the ghost said we'd find his son

-"laying in wait." -[chuckling]

It's so stupid!

♪

Good day.

Is, uh, one of you handsome young squires Prince Lonathan?

Prince Lonathan?

-You know him? -I do.

He was... me.

You're Steve's son?

No, no.

Lonathan was Stevelyn's son in the game.

Ah. Okay, look,

-I'm a medium... -Uh-huh.

...and I was speaking to the ghost of Steve-- Stevelyn.

And the "king" needs his "son"

to retake the "throne."

Oh, I-- I'm really sorry.

I would love to help you out,

but... when my father was slain,

his bannermen disbanded to all corners of Quam.

I am now forced to live out my days

as a lowly shopkeep

unless by some miracle of Zeus

you are able to round up my father's knights.

[groans]

♪

[chatter over P.A.]

[knocking]

Hi.

Excuse me.

Are you, uh, Yorba the Goblin-Slayer?

Yes, sir. As a matter of fact, we have several wooden lamps.

We have oak, birch--

Hey, I'm looking for Roeble the Insane.

Well...

-[headset feedback squeals] -...you fucking found him.

[dial tone beeping]

Do I miss the Golden Battle Axe? Sure, I do.

Do I miss slaying goblins? Of course.

So, yeah, I'm in.

Oh, okay!

[imitates axe whooshing]

If I don't kill someone in LARPing,

I'm gonna have to start killing people in real life.

Is that a cry for help?

-It's a cry for battle. -When we're done with all this,

we should probably get you somebody to talk to.

Do I look like I need that?

Yeah.

Well, I have one more knight.

The, uh, Neck-ro-manker?

[Scottish accent] The Necromancer...

-Necromancer. -...is a she.

-Ooh. -Ye shall find her at...

[normal accent] ...Lowell's Funeral Home.

Wait, wait. It's not...

Yes! A million times, yes.

Ugh.

-Stand up. -[horn honks]

Good news, Your Royal Vaginess.

Your infantry has arrived.

-Knights, enter! -[imitates trumpet]

♪

[inhaler hisses]

[sneezes]

The greatest fellowship e'er assembled.

♪

I'm sorry.

But it was for naught.

What do you mean it was for naught?

We got the whole flock there.

Frankly, I didn't really expect you to pull it off.

So what's this? This was just a big, elaborate rouge?

-A ruse. -So you admit it.

No, I'm just correcting you.

Whatever.

After Jerryd slayed my father,

I let my guard down.

Castration!

[screams]

Behold the scrotum of Lonathan!

[cries]

I'm sorry, but I cannot fight without my balls.

[whines]

You don't need your imaginary balls to fight!

What king would I make if I couldn't sire an heir?

It's all make-believe! Boom, I'm a wizard.

Lonathan, you magically have your nuts back. Ta-da!

He's so...

I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up,

but only a 10th-level wizard

can grant regeneration spells.

Wait. There is a 10th-level wizard by the name of Marlin.

Oh, yes! Marlin! He lives out in the Wick of Bushes!

-You mean Bushwick? -The wizard Marlin

possesses the almighty Staff of Many Snakes.

Yes.

There isn't a whore in all of Quam

that wouldn't fuck Marlin for a glance at that staff.

Why, what's so cool about it?

The staff can not only regenerate my testicles,

but it can enhance the abilities of every one of us.

[sighs, snaps fingers]

Okay, well, what are we waiting for?

-We're off to see the wizard. -Wait!

♪

Only residents of Quam may enter Marlin's temple.

♪

You may now select at random

your character cards.

Just pick one, man.

-Huh, some sort of a hunchback. -[chuckles]

Look again, Clyde. That is no hunch.

Oh, yeah. That's a sack of human heads.

I'm to be a great warrior!

With the sharpest blade in all of Quam.

Huzzah!

-Ah! -You shall henceforth be known

as Leoclydis Newcastle.

♪

Newcastle?

That means you and I are...

Brothers.

[imitating instruments playing]

When in Rome.

Brother, I'd die for thee.

And I for thee.

-Welcome, welcome, welcome! -Okay, yay! My turn.

My turn.

♪

Oh, shit, yeah. A centaur.

-[laughing] -Centaur!

That means your mother was fucked by a horse!

-What? -Go eat slop, horse-fucker!

Whatever. Okay, let's just carry on

with the fucking mission.

You heard this abomination.

-Load up! -What?

What are you doing? What the hell?! Ow!

-What the f-- -Shut your mouth,

you horse-fucker. Shut it.

Shut-- shut up!

-To the Wick of Bushes! -Ho!

Hold this. This is all I have.

Go on. Get! [clicks tongue]

-Come on! -Fuck.

♪

[doorbell rings]

Who goes there?

It is I, Prince Lonathan Newcastle, son of Stevelyn.

The prince will not a king be

unless he answers these riddles three.

Come on, man! It's freezing out here.

My back hurts.

All right. Come in. Let me put on my shit.

Guys?

-[door closes] -Fuck.

♪

The Staff of Many Snakes is in my locker,

so this potion will serve as a substitute.

Really?

You guys are all okay with that?

Well, Marlin is a 10th-level wizard.

10th-level jizzard.

[speaking foreign language]

[laughing]

It's a trap!

Of course it was a trap, you fools.

I pledged fealty to King Jerryd last week.

He's been watching this entire ceremony

from inside the microwave.

[laughing]

-Fuck. -Curse you, Jerryd the Liar!

Curse all of you, Newcastles!

You should see the look on your sniveling little--

sorry, guys. Is there a way

so I don't have to see myself here in the corner?

Push the-- the button at the bottom.

Oh, there it is. Can you guys still see me?

-Yeah. -Okay, good.

You pathetic half-wits!

That potion you drank

was not regenerative, it was degenerative!

-[groaning] -I fucking hate myself!

If you ever want to LARP again,

you must pledge fealty to me, King Jerryd the Liar,

at Fortress Greene Park in one hour.

Except for that foul centaur.

I have no need for the spawn of horse-fuckers in my kingdom.

All right, you know what? Fuck this shit.

-I'm fucking out of here, man. -[glass shatters]

Ow!

If anyone can bring some water

and maybe some vitamin C tablets,

that'd be really great.

I got really dehydrated last time.

Hello?

Curator lady? It's Kevin Pacalioglu.

I'm here to hand in my tender resignation.

-What news have you of Quam? -[sighs]

-Nothing great, Steve. -[scoffs] Who's Steve?

Jerryd castrated Lonathan.

Then we all went to visit Marlin the wizard,

who double-crossed us, surprise, surprise.

Now everyone is on their way to surrender to the evil king.

Surrender? Why dost thou not fight?

Even if I wanted to, which I don't,

what chance in seven hells

does a lowly centaur have against Jerryd's army?

-Son of a horse-fucker. -That's it.

-I'm out of here. -You and only you,

noble steed-man, can save the day.

You just need the Staff of Many Snakes.

Only a wizard can wield the staff or whatever.

The legend doesn't specify wizard.

It merely says neither man nor beast.

Yeah.

I'm not totally there.

A centaur, being half man...

-...and half horse... -Is neither!

Ride, horse-fucker, like the wind!

-Yes! -Oh!

♪

[dogs barking]

♪

[horns honking]

[beeping]

♪

Ride to the Palace of Isolation.

[bell rings]

You must take the Staff of Many Snakes

from the wizard Marlin when he least expects it.

Find a room for a dwarf,

the 34th of such.

You may need the Bar of Crow.

[grunts]

Looking for this?

Knights, I am sorry, but I have failed ye.

We have neither power nor testicles.

The time for surrender is nigh.

[spits]

All right, Barry Potter...

[clatters]

...let's see what you're made of.

-Come on. -I summon the electricity

of Zeus. Lightning bolt,

lightning bolt, lightning bolt!

-What the hell? -[imitates ricochets]

Deflection! Shield attack!

-[clangs] -[grunts]

Ha! Nailed ya!

[chuckles, panting]

Marlin?

Hey, buddy.

Taking a little sleep?

-Seriously, are you okay? -[bell rings]

Oh, shit.

Tradesies.

You're gonna love that shield, I guarantee it.

Who is the most skilled fighter in all of Quam?

-You are. -And who is the best

-at talking to females? -You are.

Indeed, I am.

And do you pledge undying fealty to me?

We do.

I've changed my mind.

He twice-crossed us again!

Kill them! Kill them all!

Uh-uh, not so fast!

The Staff of Many Snakes!

Bingo!

You imbecilic barnyard creature!

Only a wizard can wield the staff.

Wrong, Jerryd! The wording says

neither man nor beast.

Guess what, dickhead. A centaur is neither!

Balderdash! If anything, a centaur is both!

Actually, uh, I think he's right.

A centaur is a foul monstrosity

-rejected by both communities. -[sighs]

Well, yes, but as a species the...

the origin of the...

You know what? Let's consult the rule book

'cause this is a head-scratcher.

Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah.

What's that?

Someone help me with my bum.

Guys?

-Damn it. -Yes!

♪

Prince Lonathan,

I give back to you your balls.

Regeneration! [imitates electric surge]

Yorba the Goblin-Slayer-- for you, the Golden Battle Axe.

-[imitates electric surge] -Oh!

For you, the ability to, like, uh, fly and shit.

[imitates electric surge] And for you, my friend,

the ability to sleep through the night without farting

would be nice. [imitates electric surge]

-[grunts] That felt good. -[yelling]

Shit!

-Ah, shit. -What of me, my lord?

Invisibility. Ding!

Oh, shit, Carol!

-I'm right here. -Carol, where'd you go?

Carol? Get out of my face.

-♪ -[yelling]

[laughing]

[shrieking]

Yeah!

-[grunting] -Not the same scared little boy

you were when I slaughtered your father.

[yelling]

Jesus, that stings!

Fuck! That really stings, man.

Ow! Okay.

I surrender, all right?

-Whoo-hoo! -Victory!

Well done, centaur.

Lonathan will make a fair and just king.

-Castration! -Ah!

-In time. -Testicles!

-Farewell, centaur. -Farewell, king.

[sighs]

-[crying] -Anybody else want

their nuts chopped off?

-[laughing] -And then...

remember when I was like, "Castration!"

You-- you've gotten so good, my lord.

Remember when I gained invisibility

-and I smoked that knight? -An invisible

necromancer knight. Now I've really

borne witness to everything.

Remember where you got the invisibility from?

Will you shut your face, centaur?

-Men are talking. -Men without horses' asses.

-[laughing] -Nice, nice!

-Me? I... -Okay, okay, everyone.

All right, all right. It's now time

to name our MVK, most valuable knight.

Without his courage and bravery,

we would have surely lost.

The MVK goes to

-Leoclydis. -Oh!

-I am just-- -Oh!

-Oh, my God! -You were outstanding.

-My king, you're too kind! -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You are too kind. Much too kind, my king.

Pac, come on. I'm kind of being honored here.

Well, you kind of didn't do anything.

You filthy beast. Go eat some hay!

-Well said! -Ha, that's good!

-Huzzah! Huzzah! -Thank you. Thank you.

-Huzzah! -[phone buzzes]

-Did you hear about Marlin? -What about him?

He's in the hospital. Apparently, he got jumped

-at school. -We should send a card.

-I can calligraphy. -Oh, really?

♪

♪