Original subtitles

♪

I still think bottles are the best move.

No, they're not because you can't crush a beer bottle

-on your forehead. -Sure, you can.

Yeah, if you want blood everywhere.

Listen, hey, we're forgetting the most important thing here.

We're partying with Danny Poker tonight.

-Do you know what that means? -Strippers!

-Mmm! Hoo hoo hoo! -♪ One, one, one, tens

-♪ On them 20s, chick -Oh, dude, we're, like,

in his squad now.

We're going squad-deep with Danny Poker.

-[sighs] -Squad goals accomplished.

Man, we are gonna drink our dicks off.

-[door opens] -'Sup, bitches?

Hey.

Oh.

Sweatpants to the strip club, huh?

Damn it, I knew I should've worn my Adidas nylons, man.

You know, extra sensitivity.

-I actually had them on. -You did?

But then I decided to change to my cargo pants

'cause, you know, I need all these pockets

for all the extra numbers I'm about to get.

-[laughs] -Yeah, boy.

-Clyde, shoes. -Oh, shit.

Clyde, take your fucking shoes off, man.

-Sorry. All right, guys. -Hey, Danny, look.

Brought two different types of beer.

I got these awesome old-school cans

or you got these stupid old bottles.

-Which one you want? -Neither.

I'm still getting over last night.

Oh, really? Wow.

-What were you drinking? -Cocaine.

-Oh. -Oh.

In fact, no anything tonight.

I've been going hard for the past six months,

so I just need a night to flush these pipes out--

my dick pipe, my leg pipes,

-my stomach pipes and... -Yeah.

-Butt pipes, all that stuff. -Sounds great.

So maybe just a couple of girls.

Yeah, one or two-- one for each of us or whatever.

The reason I called you two

is 'cause all 20 of my go-tos are on the rag.

I knew they were spending too much time together.

-Perils of an orgy. -So tonight, super mellow.

No drugs, no strippers.

Just a quiet movie night.

Yeah.

Can we at least call it Boys' Night In?

Oh.

-Fine. -Yes! Mm!

♪

♪

[crying]

I can't marry you, Jim.

I'm dying.

I'm going to meet my god now.

But you are my goddess, Diane.

-You. -[sobbing]

And my religion is loving you.

Okay, we can have one beer!

Here, have a little bit of mine.

There you go and there you go.

Here's to one beer.

To show ourselves we can.

-Yeah. -Prove to myself

that I don't have a problem.

Here's to not drinking.

Cheers.

♪

Oh, fuck.

[groaning]

-[bones crunch] -Ugh.

Danny?

-Did we, uh... -Huh?

Did we at least use protection?

Jesus! Get dressed.

I don't wanna look at your little Pokémon.

-[spine cracks] -[groans]

Wait a second.

Wait, where's my diamond belt?

I don't know. I don't know.

We must've gone shopping at some point last night

'cause I seem to have picked up

this rather fashionable white scarf,

which I am rocking so hard right now.

It's got a pretty distinct odor.

[sniffs]

But, hot Carl, do I look good. Look at this.

You don't seem to understand, all right?

I'm missing my lucky belt

and I'm dressed like fucking Claude.

-Clyde. -Who cares?

Wait-- wait a minute, you--

you're literally wearing Clyde's clothes right now?

Yeah, either that or I went on a cruise

to the gay Bahamas last night.

What the fuck is Clyde wearing?

[clearing throat] Clyde! Hello!

He's around here naked just like me. I can feel it.

Clyde, are you just bumming around, buddy?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, Danny.

Danny, Danny, Clyde's not here,

but his phone and his keys are.

Oh, shit, he's not here.

Clyde's not here. Something's wrong.

Clyde! Clyde!

Fuck. How the fuck did we black out so hard?

Hey! Danny Poker doesn't black out.

Okay, then you can help.

I just don't remember anything right now.

[burps]

Look, we just need a clue.

-That's a good idea. -[clatters]

-Shit. -Just look for clues.

Ah! Hey.

I never forget a meal.

That's Mongolian beef.

Dude, that was in my ass.

Tasted a little assy.

Shitzakaya.

This must be where we ate last night.

-Let's go. -[slurping]

-Is that your beer? -Nope.

My beer's pretty quiet today.

[slurping]

-What the fuck? -All right, that admittedly

is a whole thing that we are gonna have to deal with later,

-okay? -I'm not going anywhere!

There's old-ass strangers up in my place.

Your belt.

Oh, dear God. You're right.

I almost forgot.

-There's no time to waste. -We'll be back.

-♪ -[sniffs]

Danny, Pac-y, you're back!

-[laughing] -You know us?

[squeals]

Uh,

well, I really hope you know us

'cause running up to a total stranger

and sticking your tongue in their mouth is kind of rude.

[moans]

And you're just keeping it there.

Okay, wow. Even ruder.

You guys were hilarious last night,

especially Clyde.

Everyone here loves you.

And I love you, Danny Poker.

That's-- I'm so happy for you guys.

Did you say Clyde? Hi-- hi, I'm sorry.

-Did you say Clyde? -Yes.

[stammering] Okay, so did we leave together?

What were we doing? When was the last time you saw him?

You guys went downstairs

and that's the last I saw of him.

Went downstairs? Okay.

Where-- where is downstairs from here?

D-- how long were we down there for?

Where-- where is exactly

-is the downstairs? -Dude! Go downstairs. Now!

Okay. Is it down there?

♪

You look delicious.

A...

...4.

[whirring]

[grunting]

[grunts]

Whoa.

[cheering]

[yelling]

[snorts, coughs]

[coughs, retches]

Ugh.

I knew you'd be back.

Last night,

on this very ring we stand now,

I saw a fierce warrior.

Never in my 40 years of training

have I seen a fighter

with so much potential

and yet also so--

so, uh, drunk.

You were tore up like, "Whoa."

-"Like whoa"? -No, no. "Whoa!"

You're talking-- you're talking about me?

-Mm. -I was--

-I was good? -Not good.

-Amazing. -Yeah!

I have dedicated my life

to the ancient and rich tradition

of underground sumo fight club.

-Right. -But never

have I trained a yokozuna.

Yodazuda.

After what I saw last night,

you could be that fighter.

Holy shit. Wait, wait!

If you saw me here last night, did you see my friend?

-Did you see Clyde? -Clyde?

Yes, I saw him.

And I saw him leave with the Yakuza.

-The "Ya-kuza"? -Yak-uza.

-Ya-kuza. -Ya-ku-za.

-Ya-kuza! -Hmm, nah.

Yakuza.

-[groans, slurps] -Oh, hey.

-Ooh, feeling that. -Danny, I did it.

I did it, Danny. I found another clue.

I found another clue. Clyde is with the Yakuza.

-If we find the Yakuza... -We find my belt.

Yes, exactly.

Now, the question is

where to find the Yakuza.

Yakuza?

They conduct all their business at Chillax,

an authentic Japanese bathhouse.

-Do they, now? -Hey! I said both hands.

Oh.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Okay, Danny, let's go, come on.

-Just give me, uh, five, uh... -Yeah, yeah.

[clicks tongue] Yeah, take your time.

-Oh, boy. -Slow down.

-There it is. Okay. -Okay, good.

-Good stuff. -Hold on one second.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Danny. Please, let's fucking go! Come on.

God damn it. Don't you fucking bark at me

when I'm mid-bender.

I wasn't interrupting you. I just--

Can I have one for the road, babe?

Thank you.

Don't be fooled by the peaceful chimes.

The Yakuza are some bad motherfuckers.

Bad motherfuckers.

That's lovely.

Hi. Hi there.

Um, we don't have a reservation,

but do you take walk-ins?

[burps]

We're here to see a Mr. Yakuza.

Also, I'm gonna have to take a hangover shit

in, like, 10 minutes.

♪

Which one is Mr. Yakuza?

Okay. [clears throat]

Hey, man, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier.

That was disrespectful of me.

It's just, any time after I ejaculate,

I'm just so angry, you know? It just-- 'cause, you know,

I'm not getting sexed up anymore.

Yeah. No, you don't have to apologize for that, man.

You know, I get mad when I'm not getting any, too.

Yeah, I feel like I'm mad all the time.

Oh!

I'm not hiding anything up there.

Pac, Danny! Come, come.

Take a chillax. [chuckles]

You need girl?

You need whiskey?

You need uni, huh?

Tell Ohno. I get it for you right here, right now.

Oh, okay. Well, in that case,

uh, we kind of need Clyde back.

I'm sorry. That is one wish I cannot make true.

Why-- why exactly is that

the one wish that you can't make true?

Because you lost him to me in a bet.

What?

♪

The first rule of fat fight club

is nobody wants to talk about it.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

How about I'll bet any amount of money

that my boy Pancake whup this dude's ass.

Pancake! Is that because I--

is that 'cause I flatten people?

No, it's 'cause you just tried

to order blueberry pancakes at a Japanese restaurant.

-They're so delicious. -Oh, do me! Do me!

I want a nickname.

No.

What do you say?

You want in on this action, hmm?

Cash bets bore me.

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Okay.

That-- I bet this dude.

You bet Clyde to the Yakuza?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Don't put this on me. -Uh!

From the sounds of it, you were supposed to be a sure thing.

Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Oh, my God, you're right.

I'm responsible.

I lost the fight. I lost my friend!

Oh, no.

You won the fight.

-I did? -Yes.

-Well... -Danny here bet on other guy.

Changed his mind at last minute.

[chuckles]

You can see why I'd do that.

I mean, come on.

-[stammering] -What?

Hey! Now we're talkin'!

All right. But, hey,

cheers to you for winning the fight, buddy.

-Good job! -Kanpai.

Get 'em up. Get 'em up, up, up, up!

Okay, well, w-where is he?

Is he safe? Is he okay?

Let's just say Clyde is just fine.

[laughing]

That doesn't make me feel very good.

Oh, listen. Okay, how do we get my clothes--

-Clyde back? -Clyde. [clears throat]

-I don't need your money. -You don't?

Okay, great. Good place to start.

So why don't you just go ahead and give him back to us

like a-- like a gift? Like a regift.

The only way you get Clyde back is by fighting.

You lost him in a fight, you win him back in a fight.

Double or nothing.

Okay.

I'm in.

What's double or nothing?

You win, you get your friend.

I win,

I get you, big baby.

He does look like a baby.

Yeah. Yeah, a big baby that's gonna kick some ass.

Sounds like I was pounding ass last night

-left, right, and center. -Bro, that doesn't--

I don't think that's what you were doing.

Okay, so I'll beat whoever the fuck I have to beat

-to get him back. -I was hoping

you would say that.

I would like you to meet my grand champion.

Yokozuna!

More like Yoko-who-na. Pfft.

I got this.

I don't got this.

That Yoko Ono dude is gonna crush you.

Really?

Don't worry, don't worry. It's gonna be very funny.

-Okay. Okay, well... -I can't wait.

...thanks, Danny. You know, your support on this

means the world to me. You're just, like,

a real champion, you know?

You're really, really solid, bro.

-Thanks. -Oh, Jesus!

-Whoa. -That bartender

just Snap'd me her snatch.

-That's her snatch? -Oh!

I'm so horned up right now. God damn it!

God, I don't know what I did to deserve this woman.

-She is amazing. -I'm so horny for you, Danny.

[stammering] I'm hap-- happy for you.

I'm sorry. It's just, you know, you found something real,

-something genuine there. -Ay, chi-mami!

It's just, you know, if I'm scared,

imagine how poor Clyde is feeling.

He's not one of the strong ones like us, Danny.

We're the pillars of the community,

you know what I mean?

If I know Clyde like I think I do,

he's fucking terrified.

You like your bah-bah?

Yeah? You like your bah-bah?

You like that Papa Clyde

is giving you your bah-bah?

You want some bubbles? Yeah?

Oh, yeah, you want Papa Clyde

to go in there and get some bubbles

'cause Papa Clyde loves you berry, berry much.

We gotta make sure we don't get your di-di wet.

We can't get your di-di wet.

Here, let me move this.

What the fuck is this?

This feels like sandpaper.

Hey, buddy-boy, is this comfortable for you?

I didn't think so. I can't have

my buddy-boy's balls tucked in 40 grit.

Let me take care of this. I'll be right back.

Hey, Coach.

Put me in.

Make me a champion.

Sorry.

-No can do. -What?! Why?

I'm in a pickle here.

I only make grand champion.

First two weeks,

we break down what type of man you are.

Next two months, we learn--

Actually, the fight is tonight.

We have to skip a lot.

-Sure, sure. -Tonight, really?

Yeah, in, like, four hours.

Huh, well, we should really begin.

Prepare yourself

for the most intense training in your life.

[yelling]

♪

In sumo, fat equals muscle.

♪

[yells]

I can't eat any more. Mm.

In sumo, sleep is cardio.

♪

Oh! [laughs]

♪

You're ready.

Yes, I am.

♪

[chatter]

Out there is opportunity.

In here is chocolate chip cookie dough.

In here is a ninth grade reading level.

-Seventh grade. -Even better.

-Yeah. -Opportunity.

Chocolate chip cookie dough.

-Ninth grade reading level. -Seventh grade.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

♪

[exhales]

Oh, shit. Time-out.

Time-out. I got it in my eyes.

-[spits] -On my right...

-[coughs] -...winner of the Emperor's Cup

six years running,

the mighty Yokozuna!

-[cheering] -Boo!

Nothing! He ain't got shit.

On my left...

-Pac! -Pancake!

No, come on. No, don't call me that.

-Come on, man. -All right, you know the deal.

Actually, a quick refresher if you don't mind.

Three rounds,

nothing touches sand but the soles of your feet,

-and stay in the circle. -Oh, yeah.

Piece of pancake.

♪

Seize your opportunity.

You are a natural, Pac.

Is this it?

We just stare at each other?

-For how long? -Hai!

Oh, shit!

[grunting in slo-mo]

[cheering]

The fuck?

Relax.

Remember your training.

I just slept and ate a bunch.

You said I was a fucking natural.

Oh.

I was wrong.

♪

♪

Oh, Clyde!

[cheering]

Okay?

Yeah!

-Yes! -[whooping]

[laughing]

-[blowing raspberries] -[grunts]

Shit.

[chanting] Pancake! Pancake!

Pancake! Pancake!

I love you, Pancake!

Pancake! Pancake!

♪

Oh!

[growls]

[cheering]

♪

[grunts]

[grunting in slo-mo]

Shit!

[grunts]

[whistles]

-[cheering] -[grunts]

[grunting]

[slo-mo] No!

[laughing]

Yeah!

[cheering]

Oh, that's why the loincloth was so rough and thick.

They should really specify no fabric softener.

Your new grand champion of the world!

Pancake!

No, no, no, no. Not Pancake.

Pac, Pac, Pac, Pac!

[cheering continues]

-Pac! -Dude!

-Yo! -Dude!

Shit, Clyde, you believe it?

I beat that big son of a bitch, man!

-I did it! I saved you. -Oh, my God!

-My belt! -Oh!

-Oh, my belt! -Oh.

I missed you so much. [sobbing]

Pancake back in the house!

Know what, I still don't know if I love that nickname.

-It's, uh... -Wait, wait.

One thing I'm still confused about

is how did we end up switching clothes?

Well, you were convinced if we switched clothes,

we can also switch bodies like in "Freaky Friday."

You just went on and on about that.

What? [laughs]

Man, I must've been fucked up!

Yeah-yer!

To think I'd want that baby dump of a body.

[laughing]

Wait, Clyde, I don't understand.

How do you remember all that?

I wasn't drunk.

I mean, we said one beer, right?

We even toasted to one beer.

A toast is sacred.

What?

We got shit-faced.

-[slurping] -Who the fuck are these people?

Mom, Dad! Oh!

Oh.

Thank you for letting them move in.

So kind of you, Daniel.

He's just the kind of guy

I wanna marry and settle down with.

[giggles]

♪