Original subtitles

On today's show, a man who had a penis transplant

finally meets the family of his deceased donor.

What he doesn't know--

-they want the penis back. -[crowd cheers]

That's so ridiculous!

I never would've gone on national television

after my penis transplant.

-What? -[computer dings]

Oh, dude, we got a job.

-Grab your jacket. Let's go. -Yeah, look, dude,

we just worked yesterday. I mean, come on,

let's set a couple guidelines here, okay, roomie?

I'm not really a "get up early,

wash my whole body, and go to work two days in a row"

type of guy, just generally speaking.

Pac, we do this job, we get a thousand clams.

I don't know, dude. That seems like

way too many clams for just two guys.

-Are you serious? -Yeah.

I mean, that's a thousand clams.

I guess we could freeze half of them

and then slowly work our way through the first 500.

No, Pac, the job pays a thousand dollars.

Oh, fuck me, okay! [laughs]

Why didn't you say so?

What do you say, celebratory bong hits?

No, dude. We just got a job.

Right, that was dumb. I'm sorry.

It's unprofessional.

-We're smoking blunts. -Hey-o!

Let me see that thing. Do you have one for you?

♪

♪

[burps, echoes] Ooh.

-But it sounds good. -Reverb, brother.

-Hi. -You must be the ghost guys.

We are indeed. Although I don't see ghosts.

He does. But we're partners.

Yeah. I mean, we're not, like, life partners.

We're business partners. But I guess we would like

the business to last a lifetime.

-But, no, we're not lovers. -Yeah, but we have, like,

no problem changing in front of each other

-and stuff like that. -I don't love it, but...

Thrilling story. Listen,

I'm getting married here in a week

and every time I try to rehearse,

my father-in-law gets injured

and it's really taking the attention away from me.

Clearly, something doesn't want me

to walk down this aisle.

-Yeah. -So maybe it's best

-I just sit this one out. -Come on, Gus.

You know I need a father figure to walk me down the aisle.

See, my real dad's an astronaut

and he's been busy on this super important space mission

-since before I was born. -Whoa. Oh, holy shit.

I-- you know, I never met my dad either.

In fact, I was born in an orphanage.

I mean, I wasn't born in an orphanage--

I'm sorry. It just-- it seems like

you're winding up to tell a very lengthy story

and I really don't have time for that.

Right, yeah, of course.

Okay. Sir, if you wouldn't mind,

would you take a couple steps down the aisle

so I can get a better sense of what's going on in here?

I'd rather not.

I'd really rather you did.

Come on, Gus. This is important.

We're getting married in one week.

Just walk down the aisle.

-[exhales] -Okay.

-Not so bad. -No, no, keep going.

-Get into the aisle. -[sighs]

-Oh! -[screams]

I told you!

-We should, um-- -[shouting continues]

We should really go check on him.

-Sure. -Fix this.

Yes, as you wish, ma'am.

This is wrong.

This is all wrong.

-God. -Hi there!

-Oh, is it the ghost? -Yeah.

Fucking Jesus Christ!

It's the ghost of Jesus?

Oh, I have so many questions.

Ask him what kind of wood I should use

when I'm building my end table.

No, it's not the ghost of Jesus Christ, man.

It's a-- it's a lady ghost.

Really? Describe her.

Well, okay, yeah. She's, uh--

uh,

well-built.

Muscular? That's hot.

-Yeah, muscular. -All right, listen.

I'm kind of in a time crunch here,

-so if we could just... -Get right to it.

The thing is, I know I don't look old-fashioned,

but I am, and I really need Jane's father

-to walk her down the aisle. -Isn't Jane's father

-in outer space? -What? No!

She just told me he was.

Jane's father is not in space.

That is something I made up

to tell a two-year-old.

See, the thing is, I was a porn actress, okay?

-Yeah. -Cindy Squirter.

-No? -No.

-No? -Cindy Squirter?

Her dad was one of my costars

and I was gonna come clean to her about it at some point,

but I died when she was so young.

Pac, what's happening? Tell me what's going on.

Okay, she was a porn star.

-Actress. -Muscle porn?

-Yo, that's my jam! -I know.

-Hook me up! -Okay,

this might be kind of easier than we think.

You just tell us the name of that costar,

we go round him up and bring him to the wedding.

-Piece of cake. -I don't know

who Jane's father is. That's the problem.

I made a lot of movies

around the time that Jane was conceived.

All I know is it was October 1991

and the only person with the information

of who I was in the movies with

was my agent, Saul.

[snaps fingers] Your agent Saul.

Okay, good. That's where we'll start, then.

[clicks tongue]

-Come on, let's go. -So, does she have, like,

a Sylvester Stallone kind of body?

Yeah. "First Blood."

[knocking on door]

-Guys, come in. Sit down. -Thank you.

Thank you. Don't mind if we do.

Okay, before we get started, you gotta sign

one of these release forms.

-Here. -Sure. Sure, sure, sure.

Sorry, the pen's a little chewed up, but...

Sorry, what are these release forms for?

Big, fat, gay bear movie.

-No... -You two, you're perfect.

No, no, no, no. Oh, no, no. [chuckles]

No, no, no, we're not here for any big, fat, gay bear porn.

You can't quite pull off twink anymore.

No, no, no. We're not here for any kind of gay porn.

You don't have to be gay to suck dick in a film.

-Well... -Some of

the straightest guys I know,

they exclusively have sex with men.

-No. Saul... -How much do these guys make?

-No, Clyde! -What if we just

-jerk off with-- all right. -Yeah, we're not.

We're not going down that path. Saul,

we're here because of a former client of yours,

-Cindy Squirter. -God.

-Sweet girl. -Yeah.

Can I have one of these dick candies?

Yeah, help yourself.

She has a kid who's all grown up now

and we're trying to find its father.

Do you have any recollection

of what Cindy's schedule would've looked like

in October of '91?

You know, around that time,

Cindy, she worked almost exclusively

with an actor named Diego.

-Diego. -Decent guy.

-Great penis. -Okay, well, excellent.

So, then Diego must be her father.

-I think so. -The only trouble is

Diego, he had a vasectomy.

Could not have been him.

Let me see if I've got one of my calendars.

This release is not that bad.

-[glass shatters] -I guess.

It's worth considering.

-Is that the rate? -Yeah!

-Got it. -Hey, bingo!

Diego, Diego.

-Mm-hmm. -Diego,

Diego, "Cindy 500,"

Diego, Diego, Diego.

Hold on, hold on, back that up.

What's "The Cindy 500"?

It's a little movie we made

where 500 guys banged Cindy

-in a paint shed. -[groans]

-I got a copy. -Give it here.

-That'll help. -Okay, so the father

is gonna be any one of these 500 guys?

Could be worse. I have a client who did a picture called

"20,000 Loads Under the Sea."

[sighs]

Keep the pen. I've got a million of them.

Thank you.

[sniffs]

Ugh, to all the people who laughed at me

for still using a VHS, look who's laughing now.

Ha ha!

-Got 'em. -Hey, hey, don't fast-forward.

I don't want any spoilers.

We just need to get to the end credits so we can get the names.

But when I looked it up on Wankipedia,

it said it was really good. It's worth watching.

Okay, we'll watch it later,

but for right now, come on. It's work time, buddy.

-Here we go. -All right.

-End credits. -Unrelated, I have an erection.

-Okay, write these down. -Yeah.

Okay. Tommy Salami.

James Van Der Cock.

Edward Scissordicks. Benicio del Toro.

Wait a minute, these aren't real names, are they?

No, they're obviously fake porn names.

Although I did grow up down the street

-from a Scissordicks family. -Fuck!

Well, that was a huge waste of a few moments.

Oh, wait a second.

All these porn actors, they probably had to fill out

one of these, um-- the forms that Saul gave us.

-Oh, the release form. -Release form, yeah!

Look at this. Number's on here.

Oh, shit! I'm gonna call Loinsgate.

-What is it? Yeah, yeah. -555-0169.

[chuckles] It ended in 69.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, 'cause they're a porn company.

I know, I know. That's really funny.

Hello. I was wondering if-- if you could give me

the 500 release forms

in the adult cult classic

"The Cindy 500"?

Uh-huh.

Oh, okay.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Thank you.

-They gave you all 500 names? -[sighs] No.

They said that that was really sensitive information

they don't just give out to any douchebag.

Shit!

-Okay, well... -[glass shatters]

I guess we have one option left.

Break into Loinsgate and steal the release forms.

No, I was gonna say smoke a bowl and guess the 500 names.

But that's a way better idea!

Uh, if you weren't writing down names,

-what were you writing down? -Oh.

-Ah. -Cute, right?

Yeah.

♪

Pac, come on, we're in.

Did you get that cheeseburger out of this Dumpster?

What? No!

I got it from the Dumpster near our apartment.

Okay.

♪

This is so awesome. I love being bad!

Hey, here it is! Here it is, here it is!

-You got it? -I got it!

I couldn't even get the... [chuckles]

Hey, what do you two think you're doing?

-Huh? -Huh?

No, nothing. What do you think we're doing?

You know what the penalty is for trespassing, huh?

Six months in jail and a $1,000 fine.

One deep-dicking.

[shouts]

-Huh? -Huh, what?

-This LA-Chicago-style? -That's right. Come on.

-What? -Cut!

What's the problem? Suck his dick already.

You want me to suck his dick or do you want him to suck mine

-or-- who's sucking-- -Whoa, neither.

-What? -Actually, I don't know.

Wait, what's happening right now?

You're ruining "File Cabinet Security Dick Suck 3,"

-that's what's happening. -Oh.

-[door opens] -What's going on?

When did we get replaced

by these bigger, fatter, gayer bears?

Hold on.

If those gay bears are the actors,

who are these other gay bears?

We're not gay bears!

What, do you think you're twinks?

[men laughing]

No!

Good to see you guys.

Let's take it back from "one deep-dicking."

All right, I gotta pick up my kids,

so let's wrap this up.

♪

All right.

500 names for 500 faces.

Now let's watch some porn.

Oh, God, this TV is too small!

I can't see any of the guys' faces.

Are you zooming in like it's an iPhone?

What, no. No! [chuckles]

No, there's-- there's a little smudge

on the screen right there. See?

There you go.

Let me try.

-Nope, it's broken. -I don't have any money.

Okay, well, we can't work like this, man!

Need a bigger TV.

-We do need a bigger TV. -Yeah.

You know, if we wanna start making some money,

we're gonna need to spend money.

Right.

'Cause you gotta--

you gotta spend money to make money.

Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta spend money

-to make money! -To make money!

Shit!

[projector whirring]

Let's talk about payment.

I don't have any money.

Well, I got 500 guys out in the truck

who need to get paid.

Get paid?

I'm sure we can work something out.

♪

Oh, yeah. This is so much better.

-That's Cindy, huh? -Yeah.

She's not even nearly as buff as I thought she was gonna be.

Nice pecs, though.

So we're gonna need to "demise" a way

to narrow down these gents and then get their DNA.

What about good old-fashioned racial profiling?

-Read my mind. -[Cindy moaning]

What does that mean?

♪

All right, down to 493.

493? Oh, God damn it!

There's too many dicks and dudes coming at me.

I can't-- this is gonna be effing impossible.

That's a good paint job.

-Let me give you a paint job. -Oh, yeah.

-[exhales] -Whoa, whoa, did you see that?

That dude just popped on her face.

That dude popped on her face!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah! -Clyde, X him out!

-Uh, this guy, right? -Yeah, the smug-looking fucker.

Oh.

This might just be effing possible.

Tits.

Tits.

Tits. Face. Tits.

-Yep. -Stomach. Tits.

Face. Ass. Hair.

Ew, camera lens.

-Camera guy. -Uh...

Well, that one got past the goalie.

Circle that guy.

Tits, tits, tits.

-Got it. -I want your big brush!

-Oh, man. -[Cindy moaning]

Tits.

Another one got in. Circle 17.

Number 436, fire in the hole.

No, never mind. Wrong hole.

All right. Let's go find these guys.

♪

[coughing]

Spend money...

To make money!

Yeah!

♪

30 paternity tests if you please.

Also, careful with some of those semen jars.

It's hard to get a proper seal with a hot load.

Okay, you're gonna need to fill out some paperwork.

Uh...

Okay, altogether, these tests will cost you

roughly $30,000.

What the hell are we gonna do?

We've already spent too much money.

The wedding is tomorrow.

How the hell are we gonna get 30 paternity tests done

quickly and cheaply?

[audience cheering]

Coming up next-- a medium

who's been in contact with a dead porn star

tries to find out who her baby daddy is

and I reveal which one of these men

is the father.

Coming up right after the commercial break.

[crowd cheering]

[applause, cheering]

Welcome back.

Clearly, none of these men want to man up

and admit that they are the father.

-[audience booing] -Yeah, right? I know!

Okay, so, Kevin,

are you sure that one of these men

is the father of your baby?

Wesley, I'm 1,000% sure.

But just to be clear-- not my baby.

You heard it here first, folks.

The father of this man's baby

is definitely on this stage.

Are you ready to hear the results, Kevin?

Never been more ready in my life.

-Uh, but again... -Moment of truth!

...not my baby.

Number one...

[clears throat]

...you are not the father!

-♪ -[cheering]

Okay, cut the music. Thank you. [clears throat]

Number two, you are not the father!

-♪ -[cheering]

Okay, let's just quickly go--

not the father, not the father,

definitely not the father. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

[chuckles] And last and probably least,

you...

-...are not the father! -[audience booing]

-[men cheering] -What?

♪

[chanting]

That's just excessive.

-A little excessive. -I like it.

[chanting] Go, go, go!

-Oh! Okay. -Whoo!

-All right, all right! -Yes!

-Yes! -All right!

Well, folks,

we may not have had any positive paternity tests here today,

but stay with us. Right after the commercial break,

I will reveal which of these four gentlemen

tested positive for HIV!

-Back in a moment! -[applause]

And we're clear.

-[clears throat] -Uh, Mr. Chilcott?

-Great show. -Right?

Uh, what-- what happened here?

-What, there was no match? -Oh, there was a match.

I was just surprised you didn't bring him with you.

What do you mean? What are you talking about?

♪

There was DNA all over that.

-[sniffs] -Good luck.

[clears throat]

I knew you two were coming back.

Now, that just proves that you're secure

in your heterosexuality.

Okay, now let's see a little ass to mouth.

Saul, we told you before,

we're not doing any gay bear porn!

Yeah, no shit. We wrapped that last week.

-Good! -We're on to rhino porn now.

-What? -All you gotta do

is strap a dildo to your head

and peg each other in a mud puddle.

-That's gross, man! -It's not that bad.

That is bad, Clyde.

Doesn't get much worse than that.

Listen, Saul, we're trying to tell you

that you are the father of Cindy's daughter.

-You're Jane's dad. -Really?

-Yeah. -Yes.

Hey, can I have one of these dick candies?

-Yeah, help yourself. -So, basically,

we tested this pen, which had your DNA on it,

-and it was a match. -Well, that makes sense.

I always give my clients a warm-up fuck.

Huh. That information might've been useful

-about a week ago. -Listen, the warm-up fuck,

it is standard practice in our industry.

[groans]

-I have a daughter? -Yes, you do,

and she is marrying a very, very nice,

-very quiet guy. -That little prick

didn't ask for my blessing!

Saul, you're getting caught up in the wrong details, man!

You have a daughter who is waiting

for you to walk her down the aisle right now.

Wow.

Is there anything special

I have to wear to this wedding?

As a matter of fact, there is.

♪

-[sighs] -My God, you look beautiful.

I think you have a future in film.

The astronaut helmet was a really good idea.

Yeah, I think so.

I still think he should be wearing it,

but...

[sniffles]

My little baby girl looks so happy.

[sniffles]

Thank you so much for finding her father back.

I--

it couldn't have been easy.

Well, it was my pleasure, honestly.

It just gives me so much joy helping somebody find their dad.

I mean, I-- I never knew my dad,

but, you know, who knows?

-Maybe one day I'll-- -Listen, my light's here,

so I'm just gonna... [sniffles]

Oh, right. Yeah. Of course.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's so beautiful.

Oh!

Oh, it's finally happening!

[moaning]

Oh!

I'm coming!

Oh, yes.

-[glass shatters] -[electricity buzzes]

[screams]

♪

Welcome back to the Daytona 500 Open.

Check this out.

A thousand clams. Making it rain.

Shit.

How do the hip-hoppers make it look so easy?

They take the elastic off first.

Listen, we made a lot of money on this last job,

but with all our expenses,

we didn't net quite as much as we had hoped.

Okay, well, how much did we make?

-Negative 40 grand. -What?! Holy shit! How?!

I mean, I guess we didn't need to fly to China first class.

And travel like garbage people?

Absolutely not. Look,

we both understand that you need to spend money to make money.

-We're gonna be fine. -Yeah, I'm starting to think

that might be a flawed theory.

No. No, it is not. Just look at this TV, okay?

-See that guy? -Yeah.

That's Danny Poker, all right? He spent $10,000

to enter this tourney just for a chance

to win a million bucks.

That guy spends money to make money

-and he always wins. -Huh.

-All right... -That's pretty cool, I guess.

-...he's about to make a move. -Wow!

Danny Poker is being taken all-in.

Will he call or will he fold?

Oh, there it is, folks--

Danny's patented death stare

where he reads his opponent like a book.

Call.

Holy shit.

-Intense, right? -[laughs] Oh, my God!

-He did it! He won! -[crowd applauds]

Danny Poker did it again!

Can you believe that he called with a 7-2 off-suit?

It's like he knew his opponent's cards.

Little, tiny paper dicks in your mouth.

How's it feel? How's it feel? How's it feel?

Now that's how you make it rain.

♪

♪