Original subtitles

[upbeat jazz music playing]

[Robbie] Good evening, folks. [clears throat]

Good evening, you slags.

No. Good evening, folks. [inhales sharply]

So, who is Robbie Williams?

Well, I've been called many things:

Narcissistic. Punchable. Shit-eating twat.

But while I'm all those things,

I want to show you how I really see myself.

So sit back, relax,

while I give you a right fucking entertaining.

So, the story starts.

[upbeat music continues]

1982. Stoke-on-Trent.

The arse-end of the north of England.

[boy 1] Mitchell.

[Robbie] It may look grubby and deprived...

[boy 2] Troy.

-...but deep down... -[boy 1] Wayne.

...it was grubby and deprived.

-[boy 2] Mason. -[Robbie] I didn't have much,

but at least I had the respect and...

-[boy 1] Crystal. -...admiration of my peers.

-[young Robbie] What? -[boy 3] And who gets him?

[boy 4] No, it's you.

[Robbie] They just had trouble showing it.

-[boy 2] Robert. -Yes! Come on!

-[young Robbie grunting] -[boy 2] Oi!

Right, knobheads, pass the ball to Nate,

let him do the rest.

Positions! Oi!

Fuck you off to? You're in goal.

-But... -Don't fuck it up.

I'm like a chainmail condom! Nothing's getting through!

Whoo! Let's go, slags!

[Robbie] I had plenty of balls...

Mmm! Mmm! Come on.

...but I couldn't stop a single one.

[gasps] Wasn't ready.

-[grunts] -[teammate] Nice one, dickhead.

Come on!

[shrieks, groans]

Robbie Williams, Captain of Port Vale!

[players yelling]

-[player] Yeah! -[groans]

[players laughing]

[sighs]

You really are fucking useless, aren't ya?

[player 1] He's gonna cry.

-[player 2] Yeah, he is. -[player 3] Little bitch.

[girl] Feelin' a little better now?

It's all right, Rob.

Nate, just leave it.

Yeah. Yeah, jog on,

-you tit! -[laughter]

All right, come on. Let's play.

[kids chattering, laughing]

You're a fucking nobody!

[melancholy music playing]

[sniffling]

[Robbie] See, where I grew up, you were meant to act small.

But the thing is, my DNA is cabaret.

I came out of the womb with jazz hands.

Which was very painful for my mum.

[Janet] Heading downstairs for a bit.

One of the barmen's called in sick.

Goodnight, sweetheart. Straight to bed, yeah?

[kisses] Don't let him ruin his dinner.

Bye, love.

[Frank Sinatra] ♪ And now the end is near ♪

[singing along] ♪ And so I face the final curtain ♪

-♪ My friend... ♪ -♪ My friend ♪

♪ I'll make it clear ♪

How's about a warm hand for my entrance? [laughs]

-[Frank] ♪ Of which I'm certain ♪ -[sings along]

♪ I've lived a life That's full ♪

♪ I've traveled each And every highway ♪

-♪ And more... ♪ -[crowd clapping]

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪ I did it my way ♪

[Robbie] My dad was well-enamored

by the stars of the day.

Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. and of course, Sinatra.

-They were gods to him. -[song continues over TV]

Youth, you hear that?

That's pure love, that is.

It don't come cheap, mind.

You've got to risk it all, whatever it takes.

'Cause if you make it...

it's paradise.

Thing is, you can't learn it.

You're either born with it...

or you're a nobody.

♪ And more Much more than this ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

-Light 'em up. -Light 'em up.

♪ Yes, there were times ♪

♪ I guess you knew ♪

♪ When I bit off More than I could chew ♪

♪ And through it all When there was doubt ♪

♪ I ate it up ♪

♪ And spit it out ♪

♪ I grew tall And through it all ♪

Dad, Dad, Dad!

♪ And did it my... ♪

-[TV disconnects, music stops] -[gasps]

Oh, fuck it!

-Now look what you've... -Sorry.

I had a full head of steam then and all.

-I can fix it. -Get out the way.

We can sing without it.

-It's not the same. -Or we could...

Robert!

I think it's time for a bath.

-But I want to keep going. -Go with your nan, will ya?

[Nan] Come on, love. Come on.

[Dad] Stupid. Come on, Blue Eyes.

♪ ...my way ♪

There he is.

-Nan? -Mmm?

What is... "it"?

What do you mean?

Dad said you have to be born with "it"...

and maybe I wasn't.

[exhales]

Believe me, whatever "it" is,

you've got more than your share.

-You're just saying that. -I'm bloody well not!

I wouldn't change a hair on your head.

What is it, love?

Don't want to be a nobody.

Oh, love.

There's no such thing as a nobody.

Remember...

[hopeful music playing]

This might feel good...

but this, this is what matters.

You're enough.

[piano playing]

[Robbie] I was nine years old

when I got my first real taste of the limelight.

-[children singing] -I still remember that taste.

Pure, unadulterated terror.

[kid 1] Have you seen the fit one with the big bulge?

After the show, I'm going to touch him

where his bathing suit goes.

I'm gonna fuck it up, I know it.

So what? No one will notice.

-My dad will. -Tsk.

Just go out there, sing your fucking song and walk off.

That's not enough. They'll see right through me.

-What am I gonna do? -I don't know.

I'm just doing this for the sausage.

-[singing stops] -[audience applauds]

[Robbie] In the next three seconds,

I'm going to be found out.

They'll see that I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I'm untalented.

I'm not good at anything.

[kid screams]

-[loud thud] -[audience gasps]

But there is one skill I've practiced

more than any other child in the world...

Light 'em up.

[Robbie] ...and that's for showing off.

How's about a warm hand on my entrance?

[audience laughs, applauds]

You see, I thought to become famous,

you had to be really, really good.

Turns out you just have to show off and be a bit cheeky.

Put your hands together for our next contestant,

Peter Williams.

[scattered applause]

Thank you very much.

-[loud thud] -[audience] Ooh!

Do you know the difference between an "ooh" and an "ahh"?

Well, it's about three inches.

[audience laughs]

♪ For I am a Pirate King ♪

♪ You are! Hurrah for the Pirate King! ♪

[chuckles] Usually go over people's heads.

♪ And it is, it is a glorious Thing to be a Pirate King ♪

♪ It is! Hurrah For the Pirate King! ♪

-Ooh, naughty. -♪ Hurrah for the Pirate... ♪

[vocalizes]

-Eyes off my bum! -[audience laughing]

♪ ...King! ♪

Hurrah!

[audience cheers and applauds]

Whoo!

[tense music playing]

[Robbies whispering] You're useless. You're a disgrace!

You're a fucking nobody.

[objects clatter]

Look at you.

I fucking hate you.

[Robbie] My dad won five quid that night.

Although it might as well have been five million.

[exhales]

Thank you very much. You have been wonderful...

and I've been Peter Will...

Conway.

I'm Peter Conway!

[audience cheers and applauds]

[Robbie] Not only did he change his name,

he changed his life.

One day, he went to watch the FA Cup Final.

Unfortunately, he didn't come back.

[singing]

[Robbie] The audience beckoned and he left us

to be one step closer to his gods.

♪ Come on, hold my hand ♪

♪ I wanna contact the living ♪

♪ Not sure I understand ♪

♪ This role I've been given ♪

♪ I sit and talk to God ♪

♪ He just laughs at my plans ♪

♪ My head speaks a language ♪

♪ I don't understand ♪

♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪

♪ Feel the love ever after ♪

♪ There's a hole in my soul ♪

♪ You can see it in my face ♪

♪ It's a real big place ♪

♪ I need to feel real love ♪

♪ And the love ever after ♪

♪ I cannot get enough ♪

[horn honks]

Don't worry, Mum. We'll be all right.

Light 'em up.

♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪

♪ Feel the home that I live in ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got Too much life ♪

♪ Runnin' through my veins ♪

♪ Going to waste ♪

♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪

♪ Feel the life ever after ♪

♪ There's a hole in my soul ♪

♪ You can see it in my face ♪

♪ It's a real big place ♪

♪ Come on, hold my hand ♪

♪ I wanna contact the living ♪

♪ Not sure I understand ♪

♪ This role I've been given ♪

♪ Not sure I understand ♪

♪ Not sure I understand ♪

♪ I'm not sure I understand ♪

[music fades]

[operatic fanfare playing]

[man] Next!

Take a pamphlet, sign the form,

and shut the door on your way out.

No, you're all right.

-I know what I'm gonna be. -Oh, aye? What's that, then?

Famous.

I'm gonna sing and dance.

I'm writing lyrics and all.

I've seen your grades, lad.

You can't rub two words together.

"The world is mine to claim

All I need is a fuckload of fame...

-[mouthing along] -Ooh, ooh, yeah"

Listen. Don't embarrass yourself, yeah?

This, it's not for you.

Keep your feet on the ground.

You might want to frame that.

-Tosser. -Next!

[upbeat music playing]

♪ I've got the power! ♪

Whoo!

Woo, woo, woo! Hey!

[grunting]

-Do it, Nate. -Fuck me.

You'd make a fucking awful stripper, you know that?

Fuck off!

That's my back-up plan.

Hey, you should come work with me.

Flint's always looking for people.

Isn't he that flashy cunt in the coupe?

Yeah, but he's proper. Double glazing.

Easy job, easy money.

How'd you meet him?

-Shagged his mum. -[chuckling] Fucking hell!

Ah, it's all right, he knows.

His dad wouldn't be best pleased, though.

[both laugh]

Fucking have that!

So have you told him about the trials?

-Naw. -Well, you better.

That scout was fucking excited.

I thought he was gonna blow you right there on the pitch.

-[imitates gobbling] -Fuck off.

-I'm not going to the trials. -[imitates gobbling]

-I'm not going to the trials. -Rubbish.

I'm not.

What?

Think of the money.

The supermodels.

The fans screaming for ya.

Yeah, I don't need all that fancy shit.

-Fucking hell, mate! -All right, calm down.

Well, you got a ticket to heaven!

And you're gonna stay here?

It's like you with your singing, innit?

Just do it 'cause I love it.

Who gives a fuck if you love it?

What matters is that other people love you doing it.

[Janet] You'll have to get yourself to school.

I can't face it. I got a bastard of a headache.

And an exam which you'd better have studied for.

Why do you think me head's pounding?

You'll have more than a pounding head if you haven't.

Oof! I love it when she talks dirty.

-[laughs] -You're going.

I'd take you, but I've got a million deliveries.

God knows I've already had one man lounging about. Not having another one.

[man on radio] A music manager in Manchester

-is holding auditions... -Shh.

Don't you bloody shush me!

Mum, hush!

[man on radio] The man behind the venture,

Nigel Martin Smith,

is creating a new boy band.

I didn't think you were interested in boy bands.

-Head to... -Mum, quick. Quick!

...Vanity Modeling Agency this Saturday.

Quick, write it down.

-Doors open at 9 a.m. -This is it.

-This is it! -[chuckles gleefully]

[door bursts open]

[shouting] I'm gonna be fucking famous!

[neighbor] Shut up, ya tit!

Oh, fuck off, Glen!

["La Bamba" by Ritchie Valens playing]

Whoo! Whoo!

He makes my tizzer go foo, he does.

[dancer singing along to song]

Thank you.

[whispers] Light 'em up.

I'm Robert.

Nigel Martin Smith was, for legal reasons,

an absolute sweetheart.

Well, go on, then.

[Robbie] And a first-class cunt.

-[suspenseful music playing] -[inhales]

♪ A buzzard took a monkey For a ride in the air ♪

♪ The monkey thought that Everything was on the square ♪

♪ The buzzard tried to throw The monkey off of his back ♪

♪ The monkey Grabbed his neck ♪

♪ And said, "Now, listen, Jack ♪

♪ Straighten up and fly right ♪

♪ Straighten up And stay right ♪

♪ Straighten up and fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, Papa Don't you blow your top! ♪

♪ Ain't no use in that..." ♪

[young Robbie whispering] He's bored of you.

Look at you! You've got no talent.

You're not fucking Sinatra.

♪ "Straighten up and fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, Papa Don't you blow your top!" ♪

Okay! That'll do, lad.

You do know this is a pop band?

Yeah. Tell you what, I'll do Milli Vanilli...

No.

Cheers, then.

[sighs]

-[quirky music playing] -[indistinct chatter]

So shall we tell them that that you found your man

and they can all fuck off home then, yeah?

No, don't you get up.

It'll be my pleasure.

And if I hadn't winked in that moment,

none of this would've happened.

I wouldn't even be here talking to ya.

Break a leg, you slags.

Cheeky little bastard.

[Robbie] He wouldn't know talent

if it jumped up and bit him on the cock.

It's only been a few hours, love.

He's got no eye for it, Nan!

You have to wait.

I fucked it.

[thumps on window]

He saw right through me.

I mean, look at me.

Do I look like a pop star to you?

[Nan] You look like you always look.

Exactly.

Like a talentless fuck

who's gonna die alone and fat

and be craned out of his shitpit in Stoke!

[sighs]

[telephone ringing]

[Robbie squeals]

Fuck, Nan!

-Hello? -[Peter] Youth?

Dad.

[Peter] Um, your voice is so low now,

thought I had the wrong number.

How are you, Dad?

[Peter] Never better, never better.

Now, listen.

I haven't got long, but I was thinking

how about you come visit?

Really?

[Peter] Yeah, why not? School holidays are coming up.

You should come see what the old man's been up to.

But...

-Yes. -I mean, yeah, definitely.

[Peter] Smashing.

-All right, I'd better go. -[crowd cheers over phone]

A full house waits for no man and all that.

It'll be good to see you, lad.

-Light 'em up, Da... -[line disconnects]

-Oh, Robert! -[chuckles]

-Come on! -[Nan laughing]

-Oh, love. -Bloody hell, Nan!

[Peter] Is everybody having a good time?

[audience] Yeah!

Peter can't hear you! You having a good time?

[audience] Yeah!

I was lucky enough to grace the stage with this next act

at a talent competition.

Yeah, I'll never forget it.

He gave me a five.

[audience gasps]

Oh, it was sadder than that.

Aw!

So please put your hands together

for the irresistible...

[audience gasps]

...the irrepressible...

[audience gasps]

...the irreplaceable...

Whoa!

I give him a 10 out of 10.

Mr. Terry Swinton!

[audience applauding]

I've warmed 'em up for you.

♪ Oh, the shark has Pretty teeth, dear ♪

Thought I was losing that stage-left table for a bit,

but, uh, I won them back, didn't I?

Oh, yeah.

Glad you reached out.

It was a shock, but, you know,

in a good way.

Thought it was about time, youth.

Hey, I forgot to tell you.

I'm joining this pop band.

Really? So, uh, when do you start?

Well, I mean, I'm not definitely in yet, but...

Oh.

Well, it's just I haven't heard back...

-Watch it! -Oh, sorry.

♪ Now, Macky's spendin'... ♪

Terry's the bollocks, isn't he?

Yeah.

Actually, you might want to keep that bed out for me.

Failed my exams.

Complete fucking balls-up.

Mum's gonna put me on the first bus back when I tell her.

[sighs]

Fucking hopeless.

You've got to learn from this.

-You're right. -All of this.

'Cause, you know, you're learning from the best.

[Terry] ♪ Look out, old Macky is back ♪

[audience applauding]

[Peter] Let's hear it, eh? 10 out of 10. 10 out of 10.

[Robbie] Seeing my dad

surrounded by the stars of yesteryear

galvanized my need to become famous.

But I had a more immediate problem.

What's Mum gonna be like when I tell her I failed my exams?

Fucked up the rest of my life.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah. Smashing.

-How is he? -Great.

I, um...

I've got something to tell you.

So have I.

-I failed... -You're in that band.

-What? -You got in!

You're in that band!

[Robbie] Yeah!

And I never had to tell her I failed my exams.

Until now. [chuckles]

Sorry, Mum.

[clattering]

[Glen] Shut up, you tit!

Oh, fuck off, Glen!

[dog barking]

Mother!

[screaming gleefully]

Nigel was my introduction to the adult world.

He was fucking terrifying like Willy Wonka.

But what did I care?

I was 15, I was gonna have four older brothers

and we were gonna take over the world.

Howard Donald, panel beater.

If you got a dent on your car, Howard would pound it out.

Jason Orange was a featured dancer

on a genre-defining TV music show called

The Hitman and Her.

Mark Owen.

Little Marco was...

lovely.

And then, of course...

[Nigel] Come here, you.

[Robbie] ...there was Gary Barlow.

And my first thought was,

"Who's this dickhead in those trainers?

They are so three years ago."

Gary was a genius. An actual genius.

♪ Once upon a time I was falling in love... ♪

[Robbie] He'd been playing the working men's clubs

since he was 12 years old

and was earning more money than his teachers.

♪ A total eclipse of the heart ♪

[audience cheers and applauds]

[Robbie] Trouble was, Gary sang like an angel

-but he danced like a twat. -[dance music playing]

Pump in, out.

Sexy, sexy, seven, eight.

Hip, hip. You gotta bring the energy!

Come on!

Seven, eight, punch!

[Robbie] I recall thinking two things that day.

A fifth of the spotlight is better than nothing,

and...

if anyone from Stoke sees me,

I'm fucking dead.

[Jason] Gary dancing? I mean...

-[Gary] Robbie singing? -[Howard] Yeah, Robbie talking.

[Mark] Hey, don't smoke too much.

Tikka masalas all around, no coriander for the boys.

-Thank you. -No coriander?

[Robbie] Whenever Nigel took us out for dinner,

he would always say...

I'll put this on your account.

-[all laughing] -[Robbie] He wasn't joking.

He recouped it all.

Look around the table.

Go on.

In five years, we're all going to hate each other.

But we'll be fucking rich.

-[all laughing] -Now, first things first.

We work up our act, we take it on the road.

What about a record deal?

Oh, that'll come. We'll get your demo sent out,

we'll let the bidding war begin.

-Yes. -But before that,

let's shore up your backstories.

Mark and Jason, you were in a breakdancing group together.

Gary and Howard, you were in a band called The Cutest Rush.

Was I the lead?

You weren't then, my chicken, and you're not now.

-[all laughing] -Oh, fuck off!

Robert, you had a bit part in Brookside.

I was fucking great, wasn't I?

You were a bit much, frankly.

[laughing]

Nige, can't we just say I'm a songwriter?

I've got a ton of lyrics.

Well, I can hold my breath for two minutes

but I'm not trying to be a fucking submarine, am I?

[all laughing]

[cackles]

Gary writes the songs, yeah?

You lot toe the line.

And also, your name's not Robert anymore.

It's Robbie.

[waiter] Tuck in, lads.

[Robbie] I fucking hated the name Robbie.

But it was the single best thing Nigel did for me.

Robbie became a character. Something I could hide behind.

Oh, now, the name of the band.

[Howard] Nige, I've got a good one.

Kick It.

That's fucking awful!

[all laughing]

I've already got the name and it's brilliant.

-[camera shutter clicks] -And clench.

-Take That! -[camera shutter clicks]

[Nigel moans]

[Robbie] Initially, Nigel's plan was for us to be

a band for the gay scene.

[Nigel] All right, let's do this.

Just remember what you rehearsed.

Robbie, all right?

[Nigel] Don't be nervous. You all look amazing.

Light 'em up.

[Nigel] Robbie, what you doing? Hurry up.

Don't keep 'em waiting.

[Robbie] Now, for years,

people have rumored about my sexuality.

The worst one was that all my gay friends have slept with me

and said I was crap.

I'm not bothered they said I slept with them.

These are my boys!

[Robbie] It's me being crap I'm worried about.

[Nigel] Play it loud!

[dance music playing]

♪ Whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah! ♪

♪ Whoa, yeah ♪

♪ I thought I found love ♪

♪ With somebody else's girl Yeah ♪

♪ Walking 'round feeling So brokenhearted ♪

♪ Lost in a different world ♪

[Robbie] That night I discovered a wonderland.

It was welcoming and non-judgmental.

I'd found my people.

I'd found the promised land.

For the entire first 18 months,

we made £180 each.

We played gay club after gay club,

two a night,

until out of nowhere,

Nigel booked us a club full of girls.

♪ Oh, I see heaven In your eyes for me, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, now ♪

♪ I will give my loving Faithfully ♪

[Robbie] You're gonna fucking listen!

Fucking useless prick. I'm warning you.

♪ Heaven Sweet heaven, baby ♪

♪ On the wings of love ♪

♪ I found heaven Sweet heaven, baby ♪

♪ Heaven sent your strength To me ♪

♪ On the wings of love ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet baby ♪

[girls screaming]

What?

What the fuck?

-Fuck, yeah! -[woman] Gorgeous!

-Fuck me! Fuck, yeah! -[yelling]

[whooping and cheering]

Did you hear that?

[Nigel] All right, settle down. Settle down.

Will you lot shut up?

I felt like Elvis but thin!

[Nigel] I've got good news.

Good news?

We've had some interest from a few record labels...

-Oh, fuck off. -...in London.

London? Yes!

That's absolutely fantastic.

[Robbie] Yes! Fucking yes!

-Thank you so much! -You deserve it.

You've all done really well.

Except for one of you.

What?

We all know who that is, don't we?

Robbie talked to a local reporter.

"We're like the A-Team.

I'm the sexy talented one."

Who the fuck gave you...

I didn't know she was a reporter, Nige.

You know, I almost started to like you

but you've fucking ended that, haven't ya?

-Fuck off. -What was that?

I think Robbie's developing

-a sense of humor, Nige. -[all laugh]

Do you think it'd be difficult to go to Stoke-on-Trent,

get another scally with ratty hair and call him Robbie?

Right, the club wants us to do a meet-and-greet.

There's gonna be lots of girls in here

so let's get one thing clear.

Keep it in your pants.

No touching, no telephone numbers,

-no dating ever. -Touching?

-Nige! -Ever?

Ever.

What's the point of bringing them up here?

Let's get this done. All right, bring 'em up.

-Nige! -[girls screaming]

I love you all.

Nigel had many rules for Take That.

And the most important

was that we always appeared attainable.

Safe sex is important.

[Robbie] He even made us do a Safer Sex tour

for the Family Planning Association.

So, remember.

Don't be a fool, cover his tool.

[dance music playing]

[Robbie] Naturally, I took it all to heart.

[moaning]

I love the way you move, Gary.

[Robbie] I was happy to play Gary for the moment.

Wow.

I'm never washing me hands again.

Fuck me.

[panting]

-Oh, my God. -Yeah.

Oh, my God. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. Quick!

-Oh, that's it. -Gary, I already stopped.

[Robbie] And there it was.

The one time in Nigel's life

he wasn't the biggest wanker in the room.

[moans, exhales]

[man] Right.

Straight up.

There's no appetite, want or need for boy bands.

They died a death.

It's all grunge now.

[balls clinking]

-Did you hear our demo? -Yes.

These boys are going to take this country by storm.

And if you don't sign them right now,

I'll take them to another label

and you'll be the twat

that let the biggest band in history

slip through your pudgy fucking fingers.

You won't do any of that

'cause everyone else said no.

I only agreed to see you

because my daughter saw you boys live

and she's obsessed.

She assures me that you were amazing in the flesh.

So...

I'm gonna take a punt that you're right about these boys.

Now, which one of you is Gary?

[upbeat music playing]

That's me. I'm Gary.

♪ Me with the floorshow ♪

♪ Kicking with your torso ♪

♪ Boys getting high And the girls even more so ♪

♪ Wave your hands If you're not with a man ♪

♪ Can I kick it? ♪

♪ Yes, you can! ♪

-♪ I got... ♪ -♪ Funk ♪

-♪ You got... ♪ -♪ Soul ♪

♪ We got everybody ♪

♪ I've got the gift Gonna stick it in the goal ♪

♪ When it's time To move your body ♪

♪ Babylon back in business ♪

♪ Can I get a witness ♪

♪ Every girl, every man ♪

♪ Houston, do ya hear me? ♪

♪ Ground control Can you feel me? ♪

♪ Need permission to land ♪

♪ I don't wanna rock, D.J. ♪

♪ But you're making me feel So nice ♪

♪ When's it gonna stop, D.J.? ♪

♪ 'Cause you're keeping me up All night ♪

Let's go, boys.

[whooping]

♪ Singing in the classes Music for your masses ♪

♪ Give no head No backstage passes ♪

♪ Have a proper giggle I'll be quite polite ♪

♪ But when I rock the mic I rock the mic right ♪

♪ You got no love And you're with the wrong man ♪

♪ It's time to move your body ♪

♪ If you can't get a girl But your best friend can ♪

♪ It's time to move your body ♪

♪ I don't wanna be sleazy ♪

♪ Baby, just tease me ♪

♪ Got no family plan ♪

♪ Houston, do ya hear me? ♪

♪ Ground control Can you feel me? ♪

♪ Need permission to land ♪

♪ I don't wanna rock, D.J. ♪

♪ But you're making me feel So nice ♪

♪ When's it gonna stop, D.J.? ♪

♪ 'Cause you're keeping me up All night ♪

♪ Pimping ain't easy ♪

♪ Most of 'em fleece me Every night ♪

Yeah! Oh! Oh!

♪ Pimping ain't easy ♪

♪ But if you're selling it ♪

-♪ Selling it ♪ -♪ Selling it ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

Come on!

♪ I don't wanna rock ♪

♪ But you're making me feel So nice ♪

♪ When's it gonna stop... ♪

♪ D.J.? ♪

♪ 'Cause you're keeping me up All night ♪

♪ I don't wanna rock... ♪

♪ But you're making me Feel so... ♪

♪ Making me feel so nice ♪

♪ I don't wanna rock, D.J. ♪

♪ But you're making me feel So nice ♪

♪ When's it gonna stop, D.J.? ♪

♪ 'Cause you're keeping me up All night ♪

♪ I don't wanna rock... ♪

♪ But you're making me feel So nice ♪

♪ When's it gonna stop, D.J.? ♪

♪ 'Cause you're keeping me up All night ♪

-[music stops] -[all cheering]

[girls screaming]

Every day there's a new lot.

The coach brings 'em in, they come into the garden,

they nick the wood off the fence,

the clothes off the line.

Someone should do something about this.

Mum, they want this to happen.

I went down the post office the other day

and someone called me a posh slag.

Oh, love, you're not posh.

-[giggling] -It's not funny.

I can't make my deliveries anymore.

I'm having to shut the business, Robert.

Guess who's recording the lead vocals for our new song?

[Nan] Mmm-hmm.

[Robbie] I'll get us out of this shithole

and buy us a fortress.

Just like Gary.

And why would I want a bigger house to hide in?

[girls cheering]

[Robbie] That was the first time

my mum closed the curtains.

I'm going to bed if they'll let me.

[Robbie] She didn't open them for another 10 years.

Hey, love.

Where's my little Robert gone?

I'm a popstar now.

Fat little Robert isn't gonna sell any albums, is he?

I'm just giving the people what they want.

-[upbeat music playing] -[girls cheering]

I go onstage and act like a gladiator.

And I pretend that the whole world is lucky to see me.

And they all act accordingly.

They don't see what I see.

[Nan] Then stop.

See, that's the craziest thing, Nan.

I can't.

[girl] We love you, Robbie!

[blows]

Mwah!

Now fuck off.

[music stops]

[chuckles] I'm here at Take That HQ

with the man responsible for the band's success,

Nigel Martin Smith.

-It's quite a display. -It is, yeah.

Yeah, we got Take That dolls, Take That calendars,

Take That pillows.

That's so you can sleep with Take That.

Just kidding. Probably cut that bit out.

For our ethnic fans,

we have Take That babushka dolls.

Rob is inside Mark, who's inside Jason.

Jason's inside Howard

and they all fit snugly in Gary.

[interviewer] That's quite cute.

[Gary] Lyrics?

Just some ideas.

Come on, then. Give us a look.

-Will I get a credit? -I don't know.

Are they any good?

Wouldn't you like to know?

[indistinct chatter]

Whatever.

At least pretend to give a toss.

-What about all this? -Yeah.

Are you kidding?

Do you have any idea how naff people think we are?

Fuck off, Robbie. They bloody love us.

Do you think Oasis does this shit?

We need to branch out.

Write something that's not so fucking cringeworthy.

And this coming from you?

I'm kid...

The one who only shines when the light's on him?

-Yo, all right, Gaz. -No, no, let him speak.

You think you can just turn up,

scribble some worthless shit

and get your name next to mine in the song credits?

You add nothing to this.

Any of it.

[fast-tempo music playing]

♪ Turn back the time To the days when ♪

♪ Our love was new ♪

♪ Do you remember? ♪

♪ No matter What was happening ♪

♪ I was there with you ♪

All right, just hold it there for a second, thanks, Robbie.

That was better, yeah?

You're still a little behind, I'm afraid.

Oh, I've always liked a little behind.

Uh, what we might do, Robbie, is, erm,

we can just record it line by line, yeah?

And then we can just stitch it together later.

Nah, I can do it all at once.

Yeah, let's just...

Let's just go again.

Let's go. I've got it. [clears throat]

Sure thing, mate.

Here we go.

♪ Turn back the time To the days when ♪

♪ Our love was new ♪

♪ Do you remember? ♪

[speaking inaudibly]

♪ No matter what was happening ♪

♪ I was there with you ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ But if we all stand up For what we believe ♪

♪ And maybe live within Our possibilities ♪

[whispering] You're worthless. You can't do what Gary does.

They're all laughing at ya.

♪ So, baby Don't turn away, lis... ♪

That's great, thanks. Thanks, Robbie.

-Just give us one wee sec, yeah? -Fuck me.

-[laughing] -[breathing heavily]

I think we might have it there, mate.

Thank you.

-[Gary] Okay, great. -[man] Let's go, Gaz.

Cheers. Cheers, Robbie.

Give it a sec, Gary, before you head in there.

-[Nigel] Oh, my God. -[Gary] Did your best.

[Nigel] Yeah, you know, and now I feel like the bad guy.

-[music playing] -[laughter]

Gary Barlow, ladies and gentlemen.

[Gary singing]

[Nigel] It's already good!

Fucking hell, the difference!

[man] It's like night and day, isn't it?

Yeah. Thank you.

Oh, this is a hit.

[Robbie] I didn't know it

but I was suffering from depression.

I hate that phrase, "suffering from depression."

Sounds so Scarlett O'Hara.

[in high-pitched voice] "I do declare, Mister Butler,

I have been suffering with a bout of depression."

[in normal voice] Clinically depressed is better.

Way more lab-coaty.

Dad.

Here he is! Here he is!

I didn't know you were in tow...

-[screams] Oh, my God! -I told ya, didn't I?

You owe me a pint, love.

Can I get a photo?

Yeah, of course you can! I'll take it for ya.

Okay, here we go.

-Say "fuzzy pickle." -Fuzzy pickle.

-[chuckles] -Lovely. Thank you so much.

Hey, did you want one with me in it?

Great idea, yeah.

Of course you do. Come on.

Look at that, eh? Peas in a pod.

[chuckles]

Can I lose you... use you...

Can I use your loo?

-Yeah. -It's a number two.

Be my guest.

-Oh, my God. -Yeah, go.

[Peter chuckles]

-[woman squeals] -She seems nice.

Oh, yeah, terrific. Terrific!

You know they've cordoned off the whole street, don't ya?

-There's girls everywhere. -[girls cheering]

They're not playing nice, are they?

It's like a bloodsport out there.

I told the security lads you were my son.

I nearly got torn apart!

You in town for long?

No, no, just passing through. Back home tonight.

After I collect my pint. [chuckles lightly]

-Wish I knew you were coming. -What's this?

-Nothing. -Prozac?

What have you got to mope about?

You boys are flying!

Bloody Brits nomination.

I've been telling everyone about that.

I know. It's just...

[inhales sharply]

It's all a bit overwhelming, Dad, you know.

It's like I can't keep track of who I am anymore.

Well, go and ask that lot out there.

They know exactly who you are.

The other lads, you'd be hard pressed

to pick 'em out of a police lineup.

Well, not Gary, obviously, 'cause he's the creative one.

But you,

you're living the dream, youth.

[woman] We love you, Robbie!

How can you not know who you are

when there are thousands of people screaming your name?

[toilet flushes]

[man 1] Jesus, Rob!

-What'd he take? -[man 2] We don't know.

Could be anything. Hold the show until I say.

-[man 3] No, no, no. -You were an afterthought.

Couldn't sing, couldn't dance.

Looks? Five at best.

Everything you have, everything, I've given you.

And you don't deserve any of it.

[upbeat track plays]

Oh, fucking hell!

-[Gary] Do we go on? -Are you fucking retarded?

I fucking told 'em.

All right, get in position.

-[Howard] Fucking hell, Nige. -I said get in position now!

Get up, get up!

Wake up, you fucking baby!

[Gary] Okay, guys, follow my lead!

All of this because of a fucking wink.

[audience cheering]

♪ Help me escape This feeling of insecurity ♪

♪ Ha ha ♪

♪ I need you so much ♪

♪ But I don't think You really need me ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ But if we all stand up In the name of love ♪

♪ And state the case Of what we're dreaming of ♪

♪ I've got to say I only dream of you ♪

♪ But like a thief In the night ♪

♪ You took away the love That I knew ♪

♪ Uh-huh-huh ♪

♪ Relight my fire ♪

♪ Your love is my only desire ♪

♪ Relight my fire ♪

♪ 'Cause I need ♪

♪ Your love ♪

Whoo! [chuckles]

Passed out? That's a new low.

It was a dodgy curry.

Your job is simple.

Sing the harmonies and toe the line.

You'd like that, wouldn't ya?

Know your place.

You're making us look like fucking idiots.

♪ Turn back the time To the days when ♪

Oh, fuck!

♪ Our love was new Do you remember? ♪

♪ No matter what was happening ♪

♪ I was there with you ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ But if we all stand up For what we believe ♪

♪ And maybe live Within our possibilities ♪

♪ The world will be wild For the dream ♪

♪ So, baby, don't turn away ♪

♪ Listen to what I got to say ♪

[crowd] ♪ Uh-huh, huh ♪

♪ Relight my fire ♪

♪ 'Cause I need ♪

♪ Oh, I need ♪

♪ Your love ♪

-[music stops] -[audience cheering]

[upbeat music plays]

[Robbie] Because he writes all the songs,

Gary makes all the money.

He's got a mansion in the north of England

with a driveway full of cars.

Fuck me.

And a butler.

While I'm still living at Mum's.

He's Elton now.

[sniffs]

And they're all waiting for me in the garden.

It's to talk about the problem.

And I am the problem.

Whoo!

[swing creaking]

Robbie, so...

Well, we've all been having a think.

And we'd quite like to do the next tour as a...

as a four-piece.

[Jason] Just to see if we can do it.

[Howard] Yeah, to see if we can do it.

Perhaps you could focus on some of that solo material you've been working on.

[Gary] To be honest, Rob,

we've been doing it as a four-piece for a while.

I think you should.

That it, then?

Yeah.

Whee!

Can I take this?

Yeah, Rob, if you want.

[grunts]

This is it!

This is the end!

[vocalizes eerie note]

[chuckling]

[engine turning over]

[chuckles]

[engine sputters and bursts]

-[grunts] -[engine starts]

[glass smashes]

[Robbie] ♪ So unimpressed but so in awe ♪

♪ Such a saint, such a whore ♪

♪ So self-aware So full of shit ♪

♪ So indecisive, so adamant ♪

♪ I'm contemplating Thinking about thinking ♪

♪ It's overrated ♪

♪ Just get another drink in ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Watch me come undone ♪

♪ They're selling razor blades And mirrors in the streets ♪

[screaming]

♪ I pray That when I'm coming down You'll be asleep ♪

♪ If I ever hurt you Your revenge'll be so sweet ♪

♪ Because I'm scum ♪

♪ And I'm your son ♪

♪ I come undone ♪

♪ I come undone ♪

[announcer 1] Fans are still reeling

from the announcement on Monday

that Robbie Williams has split from Take That.

[announcer 2] Helpline switchboards,

set up after reports of suicides,

have been flooded by tearful Take That fans.

[announcer 3] ...including seven number one hits.

[announcer 4] He has built up a reputation

as a party animal.

♪ So rock 'n' roll So corporate suit ♪

♪ So damn ugly, so damn cute ♪

-♪ So well trained, so animal ♪ -[horn blaring]

♪ So need your love So fuck you all! ♪

♪ I'm not scared of dying I just don't want to ♪

♪ If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you ♪

♪ I come undone ♪

♪ They're selling razor blades And mirrors in the streets ♪

♪ I pray That when I'm coming down You'll be asleep ♪

[music building, slows]

[men singing] ♪ Wembley, Wembley ♪

♪ We're the famous Man United And we're going to Wembley ♪

[Robbie] ♪ If I ever hurt you ♪

♪ Your revenge'll be so sweet ♪

♪ Because I'm scum ♪

♪ But I'm your son ♪

-♪ I come un... ♪ -[tires screech]

[fan 1] How could you do this?

[fan 2] We need you, Robbie!

[fan 3] Don't go!

-[fan 4] Robbie, don't do this! -[fan 5] Please!

[fan 6] Don't leave!

[voices merge, stop]

[Robbie] The cheeky member of Take That

is now the fucked-up, messy one

who's gone and broken up the band.

[grunting]

And people hate me for it.

But really they're only saying what I think about myself.

[screams]

I've a raging cocaine habit, I'm a full-blown alcoholic,

and I'm 21.

[ice cracks]

I think I was always going to be an alcoholic or an addict.

I just had the money and the means to get there quicker.

But I'm also incredibly competitive.

I mean, I've no idea

how I'm going to pull off a solo career.

But there's an energy to revenge

and it's very, very seductive.

[crowd] Nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

[cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

It's gonna happen.

No ifs, no buts, no left, no right.

Just straight ahead.

[inhales, exhales sharply]

I'm gonna be fucking massive.

[woman] A massive what?

Fuck! Scared the shit out of me!

Well, you said you wanted to be massive.

Oh! Well, I was just, um,

wishing for a little extra girth.

[chuckles]

What is it you do?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry, should I already know that?

No. No, no, no, no. [chuckles sheepishly]

[sputters] I'm a singer and songwriter.

Really?

Yeah, just starting out on me own.

-I was in Take That and it... -The boy band?

[laughing]

Oh, don't mind me.

Sorry!

No, you're all right.

I mean, that is why I left.

Dancing around in the background like a camp sadomasochist.

I mean, if I'm gonna look like a tosser,

I might as well do it downstage center.

So it's all about the spotlight?

Wow, not even any lube, just full fist.

I'm just saying.

If you're gonna start out on your own,

you might as well be honest about why.

-Shit, you a journalist? -Fuck, no.

I'm just curious.

I'm not sure you'd understand.

Try me.

You know, I was given the golden ticket

but it felt like I was bound and gagged for the last five years.

-And not in a hot way, either. -[chuckles]

In like a battery to the scrotum sort of way.

[laughing]

I don't know, sexy, mysterious masked lady.

-[clicks tongue] -[snorts]

I guess I just reached a point where I want to prove

I can make it on my own.

Prove to who?

Everyone.

See? [chuckles]

I told you you wouldn't understand.

[woman chuckles]

Aw, fuck me!

[laughing]

Nicole Appleton.

She and her sister were members

of the girl band All Saints.

Their manager was a cunt, too.

She was absolutely lovely,

with the single worst taste in men.

Yeah, you all right?

Fame is so fucking weird, isn't it?

[scoffs]

It's like that uneasy feeling you get

when they bring the cake out and the whole restaurant

sings "Happy Birthday" to you.

And you can't wait until "Happy Birthday" stops being sung.

I mean, people are doing a really nice thing

but you just want it to stop so you can...

Eat the fucking cake.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

Now you've got your gag off,

what are you gonna say?

[inhales deeply]

-I've got some lyrics. -Oh?

I mean, they're basically different takes

on how much I hate myself.

-So a Christmas album, then? -[laughs]

I'm not sure about an album.

At the moment, I'd just like to write one good song.

[Nicole chuckles]

-You're overthinking it. -Mmm?

Just write about whatever's in front of you.

♪ I've got a boat But mine's made of rubber ♪

♪ I cut a hole in the back ♪

♪ And used my cock As a rudder ♪

[laughing]

Yes, it's a hit!

See? You're gonna be massive in no time.

[laughs]

♪ I was her ♪

♪ She was me ♪

♪ We were one ♪

♪ We were free ♪

♪ If there's somebody Calling me on ♪

♪ She's the one ♪

[soft music playing]

♪ If there's somebody Calling me on ♪

♪ She's the one ♪

♪ We were young ♪

♪ We were wrong ♪

♪ We were fine ♪

♪ All along ♪

[both] ♪ And if there's Somebody calling me on ♪

♪ She's the one ♪

♪ When you get to Where you want to go ♪

♪ And you know the things You want to know ♪

♪ You're smiling ♪

[Nicole] ♪ When you say What you want to say ♪

♪ And you know the way You want to play ♪

[both] ♪ You'll be so high ♪

♪ You'll be flying ♪

♪ Though the sea ♪

♪ Will be strong ♪

♪ I know we'll ♪

♪ Carry on ♪

♪ 'Cause if there's somebody Calling me on ♪

[Nicole] ♪ He's the one ♪

[Robbie] ♪ If there's somebody Calling me on ♪

♪ She's the one ♪

[both] ♪ When you get to Where you want to go ♪

♪ And you know the things You want to know ♪

♪ You're smiling ♪

♪ When you say What you want to say ♪

♪ And you know the way You want to play ♪

♪ You'll be so high ♪

♪ You'll be flying ♪

[inaudible]

[instrumental music continues]

♪ She's the one ♪

♪ He's the one ♪

[music fades]

[mellow music playing]

[Robbie singing lyrics softly]

[upbeat music playing]

Here we go. I'm excited.

It's not a competition, girls.

It's just hard work and you've put that in.

Here.

This place is posh as fuck.

You know, I've just seen fucking Bono in the toilet.

-Had a look. -Mmm?

[Nate laughing] Tiny.

Yeah, you've missed me, haven't you? Ah, 'course you have.

Mmm.

Hey, so, you know my girlfriend, Kayleigh?

-Kayleigh. -One with the club foot.

No, she hasn't got a club foot. No, her pelvis is out.

Anyway, she's up the duff.

I'm gonna be a dad.

[inhales deeply]

That's amazing.

Just surprised the little thing still works!

Fuck off!

-Shut up, here it is! -[DJ] The wait is over.

-Coming in at number one. -[shushing]

It's new. It's brilliant. It's...

"Never Ever" by All Saints!

[all cheering]

[all clapping]

[laughs]

Whoo!

Come on! [laughs]

-I can't believe it. -Well done, babe.

You deserve it.

It'll be your turn next.

[executive] Nicole, give us a few words.

[all cheering]

Okay. [exhales] I just...

I can't believe we did it.

-Number fucking one! -[all cheering]

To everyone who's supported us through the years,

you're family and we love you.

[cheering continues]

[cork pops]

And to my...

to my best friends,

having a number one is amazing.

But getting to celebrate it together, it's the best.

[Robbie] Liam Gallagher was the lead singer of Oasis,

the biggest band on the planet.

I'm in love with their songs.

I'm in love with the lyrics,

I'm in love with how provocative they are,

I'm just totally in love with them.

And I want to be them.

Fame is a powerful aphrodisiac.

It means even ugly people can get laid.

Mind you, guitars do that too.

What's all that about, then?

-Got a number one. -Is that all?

Fucking hell, if I orgasmed

every time I had a number one, I'd be fucking dry.

-Yeah. -[guitar strumming]

You listen to this cunt. "Yeah."

Like he fucking knows what we're fucking talking about.

You want a number one, you should've stayed Gary's backup dancer.

[all laugh]

Guess who's had the largest ever demand

for concert tickets in British history?

-Me. -And the band.

Knebworth, right?

125,000 fucking screaming cunts.

That's insane.

It's how you know you've made it.

-Fucking knobhead. -[laughter]

[Robbie] Me and Liam wouldn't always be so cuddly.

Would anybody like to see me fight Liam?

[audience cheering]

Liam, 100 grand of your money,

100 grand of my money.

We'll get in the ring, and we'll have the fight,

and you can all watch it on TV.

What do you think about that?

Now, are you gonna do it

or are you gonna pussy out, you fucking wimp?

Thankfully, he wasn't in the country at the time.

Knebworth.

[glass shattering]

Come on, let's go. This is shit.

[sticks clatter]

-Nice chatting to you, Noel. -Fuck off, cunt.

Hey, twinkletoes. You coming or what?

Yeah. Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

["Never Ever" by All Saints playing]

[Robbie chuckles]

Good evening, Knebworth.

You all look gorgeous tonight.

Here's one from me new album.

Thank you very much.

Hiya.

Fuck me! Aren't you Miss Number One

of United Kingdom of Britain?

[chuckles]

-Maybe. -Mmm-hmm.

And where did you end up?

Got kidnapped by Liam Gallagher.

Oh.

And you looked like you were having a good enough time.

[chuckles]

Anyway... [sniffles]

I was just trying to make sense of it.

Of what?

"Never Ever."

What, you don't... you don't like our song?

No, it's fine.

I mean, I'm not sure it's a number one, but...

Well, people seem to like it.

It would be nice if my fianc...

You screaming, jumping around,

making fucking speeches.

And all that bullshit about family.

It's not bullshit. It's everything to me.

Right.

So did you tell them that you gave up our family

to get that number one, then?

[smacks lips] Nah.

Bet you left that bit out your little speech, didn't ya?

Huh.

You're so fucking ugly when you're wasted.

-Well, I'll be sober tomorrow. -Oh, and won't that be nice?

I can't believe I had to tell everyone that you left tonight

because something important came up.

It did.

Getting fucked up with your mates?

At least they know how to write a proper number one.

That's more than you can.

Scribbling lyrics in your little notebook

but you're too scared to show them to anyone.

Ah, a number one and she's giving out the advice!

I didn't ask you to lie to your friends.

'Cause guess what? I don't give a fuck what they think!

You give a fuck what everyone thinks, Rob.

That's all you give a fuck about.

[breathing heavily]

[door slams shut]

[sighs]

[softly] Dickhead.

1,100? Sure, sir.

1,100.

[Robbie laughs]

[laughs]

We need crisps.

We're all right, Nan.

No, I don't want you wasting away on me.

They don't have washing machines in London?

Yeah, but you do it with love.

You bugger.

You should come home more often, you know.

She's slowing down.

Rubbish. Nan'll outlive all of us.

Anyway, I'm about to be very busy.

I rung around, and I got a meeting

with a producer called Guy Chambers.

Nicole's got a number one.

Fucking Gary's got number ones.

And here I am turning into a farmyard animal.

I wouldn't change a hair on your head.

Bless you, Nan.

-Now, I spoke to your dad. -[Robbie] Oh.

That makes one of us.

Been radio silence since I left the band.

He's agreed to see you again.

Agreed? What do you mean?

Well, to have you visit. On your school holidays.

[pensive music playing]

He called me, remember?

He said it'd been too long.

-He invited me. -Yes, that's right.

I told him to.

You see?

-Oh, Jesus. -Oh, Betty.

-No, no, no. -[sobbing]

-[Betty] Oh, I'm so sorry. -[Janet] Oh, Betty,

[Betty] I'm so sorry. Oh, God.

-Look. -My mind is not too good.

Hey, Nan, it's all right.

-Come on, don't cry. -I'm sorry.

It's all right.

[Betty] Oh, love. I'm so sorry, love.

[Janet] It's all right, duck.

-I'm sorry. -[Janet shushing]

[Betty continues sobbing]

[Robbie rapping] ♪ My rhyme's complex, yes ♪

♪ You're just pickin' up Giro cheques, bless ♪

♪ A whole life on the YTS, ah ♪

♪ I line up in a line Of nine suspects ♪

♪ And I wine and dine The fine witness ♪

♪ Then she reclines And resigns to my wish list ♪

♪ So I pop it out Like the litmus test ♪

♪ And she's like, "Am I Allowed to lick this yet?" ♪

Okay, okay! Hang on.

Hang on. [sighs]

Listen.

I appreciate you coming over, but this isn't gonna work.

[Robbie] Guy Chambers.

Guy likes it when I talk about the holidays we shared.

And I like it when he agrees to let me sing our songs.

You don't mind, do you?

[Robbie] So our lawyers had a chat

and here we are on a beach.

Lower.

You've only heard half of them.

And they're all the same.

I can't even tell when one ends and the next one begins.

It's like you've written lyrics

you think other people want to hear.

I don't know. That might be okay in a boy band.

So you want me to get naked on the first date?

Well, it's the only way this works.

Songs are only valuable if they cost you something.

Luckily, I'm always naked on the first date.

[Robbie breathes shakily]

If you're gonna laugh, do it on the inside, yeah?

I dent easily.

Can you give me a C?

[chord plays on piano]

[singing off-key] ♪ You can't... ♪

[clears throat] Fuck me.

Better make it a B-flat.

[chord playing]

♪ You can't manufacture A miracle ♪

♪ The silence was pitiful ♪

♪ That day ♪

♪ And love is Getting too cynical ♪

♪ Passion's just physical ♪

♪ These days ♪

♪ You analyze Everyone you meet ♪

♪ But get no sign ♪

♪ Loving kind ♪

♪ Every night you admit defeat ♪

♪ And cry yourself blind ♪

[clears throat] This is the chorus.

♪ If you can't wake up In the morning ♪

♪ 'Cause your bed lies vacant At night ♪

♪ If you're lost, hurt ♪

♪ Tired or lonely ♪

♪ Something beautiful Will come your way ♪

Now second verse.

-♪ The D.J... ♪ -No, no, no! Hang on, hang on.

We have to double the chorus, or it'll sound crap.

What was that list? "Lost...?"

♪ Hurt, tired and lonely ♪

Right. That's the hook. That's the gold.

The "something beautiful" bit is cream on top. You've got...

♪ Lost, hurt, tired or lonely ♪

[vocalizing]

And then you repeat. You understand?

-Yeah. -Right.

Pick it up from the chorus.

And, you know, give it some welly.

Even if it's shit, you've got to make it your shit.

Two, three.

♪ If you can't wake up In the morning ♪

♪ 'Cause your bed lies vacant At night ♪

♪ If you're lost, hurt ♪

♪ Tired or lonely ♪

♪ Can't control it Try as you might ♪

There you go!

♪ May you find that love That won't leave you ♪

♪ May you find it By the end of the day ♪

♪ You won't be lost, hurt Tired or lonely ♪

♪ Something beautiful Will come your way ♪

One more time.

♪ Something beautiful Will come your way ♪

You're not as crap as I thought.

Thanks.

We need to clean it up a bit, but it's a start.

-Now, what else have you got in there? -[chuckles]

And coming up, we have a surprise guest

in the studio.

It's none other than ex-Take That bad boy Robbie Williams!

[Robbie sniffing]

[Robbie] Chris Briggs, manager to the stars.

Amazingly, he saw something in me.

I mean besides monstrous amounts of drugs and booze.

[Briggs] It'll be nice and intimate.

Fifty people or so.

Contest winners. They'll be super excited.

And just remember it's going out live,

so mind your "shits" and "fucks."

You should start with a cover, something people recognize.

We want them to recognize our songs.

And they will. But you have to woo them first.

You got to get me to Knebworth.

[Briggs] How about you get through this one

without giving yourself a heart attack?

Just get me there, all right?

[Briggs] Baby steps, mate.

Look, I know this isn't much of a gig but...

Oh, I don't know. Blackpool, Knebworth...

-Hi! -Plus we need the air time.

What have you got to lose?

I would've said my dignity,

but Take That already stole it, so...

I mean it, Briggsy.

I have got to play Knebworth.

-Whatever it takes. -It'll take everything.

Sure you're ready for that?

[inhales sharply]

Then make every performance count.

[softly] Light 'em up.

[exhales sharply]

One, two, three, four!

♪ You got to know how to Pony ♪

♪ Like Bony Moronie ♪

♪ And do the Mashed Potato ♪

♪ Do the Alligator ♪

♪ Put your hands on your hips ♪

♪ Let your backbone slip ♪

♪ Do the Watusi ♪

♪ Like my little Lucy ♪

[vocalizing]

[phantom Robbie] You're gonna die.

[interviewer] You've left the safety of the band

and now you're going out on your own.

How does that feel?

[Robbie] I couldn't be happier.

I'm finally free, you know,

and this is only the beginning.

Come on!

-[drums playing] -[people cheering]

[man on radio] Well, the first punches have been thrown.

And it's Gary Barlow at number one...

-...while Robbie's first album Life Thru a Lens... -Light 'em up.

has debuted at number 11.

-[sniffing] -Robbie's fate now rests

on a national charm offensive tour.

[exhales sharply]

[announcer] Lock up your daughters!

Lock up your sons!

It's Robbie Williams!

You know what I need you to do.

One, two, three, four!

[vocalizing]

[phantom Robbie] I will rip your fucking eyes out!

[interviewer 2] With his new album rocketing up the charts,

ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Williams.

[interviewer 3] Please welcome Robbie Williams.

[interviewer 4] Robbie Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

[interviewer 3] He's an internationally loved star.

[Robbie] I want to sing, goddamn it!

And I wanna dance!

Being a pop star means you can live all your fantasies.

I think it's what's known as the "lucky bastard."

Well, you know, being in a relationship

means I put away my shagging boots.

But I know where the closet is.

[Robbie sniffs, giggles]

♪ Dance with me, honey ♪

♪ Like Long Tall Sally ♪

You know, the great thing is I've actually arrived now.

Because back at home I've been voted the Rear of the Year.

[interviewer 2] Is that right? You gonna show us?

[interviewer 3] So it's fair to say you're box office, right?

[Robbie] I got me platinum disc,

and then I'm getting a double platinum disc now.

It means I'm very famous.

One, two!

[all vocalizing]

[phantom Robbie 1] We are coming for you!

[phantom Robbie 2] You can't write.

You haven't got it. You got nothing.

[yells]

[phantom Robbie 1] You are fucking dead!

[crowd cheering]

[reporters clamoring]

Move! Move!

[crowd vocalizing]

Light 'em up!

Light 'em up, light 'em up, light 'em up!

[rock music continues]

-[tires screech] -[crowd cheering]

-Fuck off, the lot of you! -[engine revving]

[coughs]

[host 1] And the winner is...

-Robbie Williams. -[host 2] Robbie Williams.

-[host 3] It's Robbie Williams. -[host 4] And the winner is...

-[host 5] Robbie Williams. -[host 6] Robbie Williams!

[host 7] A perfect end to a great night

for Robbie Williams.

[breathing heavily]

[Peter] I'm sure you all recognize this young man.

Did you know he had a famous father?

[yelling]

[Peter] So, if any of you lovely ladies want to come up

and sit on Santa's knee,

we'll see what I've got in my sack for you.

[Peter chuckles]

-Rob. -[discordant sounds overlap]

[gasps, grunts]

Light 'em up. [exhales deeply]

Whoo!

[Tom Jones singing] ♪ You got to Mashed Potato ♪

♪ Do the Alligator ♪

[phantom Robbie 1] We're gonna peel your skin off.

Slit your throat.

[phantom Robbie 2] We are gonna fucking murder you!

[yells]

♪ Long Tall Sally ♪

♪ You're back In the alley, baby ♪

♪ Put your hands on your hips ♪

♪ Let your backbone slip ♪

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

[crowd cheering]

[phantom Robbie 1] Where are you gonna run?

Where are you gonna fucking hide?

-You useless little prick. -Yeah, suck on this.

[phantom Robbie 1] You're gonna die alone, you cunt!

[phantom Robbie 2] You're fucking replaceable.

[phantom Robbie 1] You can't escape this!

[gasping]

[Peter] Oh, yes, put it there, son. Ha-ha!

-Fan-bloody-tastic! -[crowd cheering]

Listen to that, it's deafening!

Oh, thank you. I did that.

Taught him everything he knows.

-Peter Conway. -[laughter]

Do you know what, Chris? Entrances and exits,

no one cares about that stuff anymore.

But tonight, you out-trumped Tom Jones, lad!

Oh, look at him. Just another day at the office.

Well, this is going to knock your socks off.

Rob? Rob?

Guess who's playing Knebworth next summer?

[laughs] Knebworth!

Wait till I tell the lads!

Hey, have you thought about a support act?

Now, I could do you a couple of numbers. Four at most.

It's incredible, yeah.

[Briggs] It also comes with a new record deal.

It's obscene.

[Peter laughs] Yeah.

Look at ya! You're bulletproof!

Oh, I need a drink.

Look at this. Just what the doctor ordered.

Okay, I'll leave you to celebrate. Congratulations.

Thanks, Chris.

[heavy breathing]

Knebworth.

How does it feel?

Crippling.

-It'll sink in. -[cork pops]

It's like someone's picked sides for an afterschool game

and it's all gone horribly, horribly wrong.

It's one against thousands.

Bollocks. The audience loves ya.

I can't do it.

I can't carry Knebworth.

I'll be like a lamb to the fucking slaughter, Dad.

It's just stage fright.

You're not listening!

No, it's normal! Okay?

You know what's always helped me?

A little bit of Dutch courage.

Don't I know it.

Dad, I'm sorry. Dad.

No one buys a ticket to hear your problems, son.

You want to know why these people are gods?

'Cause they make other people's problems go away.

Dad, stay, please.

[sniffles]

[stifles sob]

-[sniffles] -[cell phone rings]

[screams]

[breathes heavily]

[ringing continues]

[grunts]

[snorts]

-Whoo! -[audience cheering]

-[grunts] -[distant scream]

[laughs]

[sniffles]

[cheering sound distorts, stops]

[Parkinson] My next guest has been climbing the charts...

There he is. There he is. That's Daddy's best mate.

-Robbie Williams! -[applause]

Well, this has been a sudden change in fortune for you,

has it not? I mean, you're flying high.

-Sober as a judge, Parky. -[laughter]

Well, we could talk a bit more...

Sorry, sorry, I have to do this. [clears throat]

[grunts]

-Look, Nan. It's Parky. -[laughter]

Oh!

Betty.

It's Robert!

Let's talk, if we may,

about this success you've been having.

I mean, it's not the first time, is it?

You had it before with Take That.

Would you say that this is a different kind of success?

It means a great deal more to me now.

I'm about to perform in front of a record crowd at Knebworth

-in a few weeks. -[light applause]

No! No, stop it! It's nothing.

It's only the biggest music event in British history!

[cheers and applause]

That's my boy.

But, of course, Knebworth is not the only record

you've broken recently, is it?

There's the matter of your new deal with EMI.

£80 million.

How does that feel? [chuckles]

-Good enough? -I dunno.

[inhales sharply] I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!

I thought I was quoting that lady

who famously won the lottery.

But she said...

Spend, spend, spend!

[Robbie] So no one got it.

Mind you, I've said worse things in interviews.

-[upbeat music plays] -[reporters clamoring]

How would you describe your time with Take That?

I was very fortunate to be in Take That...

and four out of the five Spice Girls.

[laughter]

Posh said no, didn't she?

Er, now, you've connected with many women in the past.

Oh, we're gonna talk about my sex life.

-[laughter] -Well, I suppose.

[sucks teeth]

There's nothing to write home about.

Which is a shame 'cause Mum loves getting those letters.

[groans] I mean, how many flat tires can you have?

Well, second one, we didn't even get out of the car.

There's no way Natalie was gonna ruin her hair

so they just jacked it up with us all inside.

[cell phone ringing]

[Robbie] I'm just going to the loo.

[Nicole] The weather was horrendous.

At least the sound was good.

Voice was tired, though.

Probably because I wasn't sleeping.

Which is weird because the bed was insanely comfortable.

I even got the name of the mattress

in case we wanted to...

[Parkinson] But you're finally settling down?

[Robbie] Have to be a realist.

You know, we're both on tour... a lot.

And it can be difficult, you know?

[Nicole breathing shakily]

[rustling]

[Parkinson] So, tell me, what's it like

for Robbie Williams to be in love?

Well, that's difficult too.

Erm... [inhales sharply]

-Flings are much easier. -[laughter]

You make me feel so small.

And I've hated you for it.

For making me feel so...

unnecessary.

-[sniffles] -[lighter clicks]

[grim music playing]

The fucking awful things you do.

I thought you couldn't help it.

But you just don't want to.

[sniffles]

And I can't help you anymore.

[crying quietly]

[sighs heavily]

Rob. [sniffles]

[muffled rumbling]

Rob.

Rob, please say something.

Babe. [echoing]

-[ominous music playing] -[gasping]

[grunts]

-[Robbie] Nic, please! -You're a fucking animal!

[Robbie] Baby! Babe, you need to calm down.

[Nicole] Don't tell me what I need.

-[Robbie] Listen! You... -[Nicole] Get out!

-I can fix it! Look! -You're too fucking late!

[slowed] But I love you!

["Something Stupid" plays]

[song speeding up]

-[song stops] -[grunts]

[Briggs] Easy. Easy now.

-Come on! -[Robbie] Briggsy.

-[fans shouting] -[Guy] Oh, what the fuck!

-[Briggs] He's all right. -Of course I am.

Oh, shit.

You should have said no to this one.

To Top of the Pops?

You can't buy this kind of promotion.

[Guy] What's to promote? Knebworth's sold out.

-[Briggs] The world tour. -[snorting]

What, he just does Knebworth

and then props his feet up, does he?

You thought getting to the top was hard? Try staying there.

[knock at door]

-[stagehand] On in five. -[Briggs] Come on, you're up.

[cell phone rings]

Leave it.

[upbeat ringtone playing]

Ooh, it's a woman.

Hi, Mum. I'm about to go on...

[Janet] Where have you been? I've been trying to reach you.

I know. I know. But, listen,

I'll have to talk to you later, ducky head,

because my pianist, well, he's accidentally shat himself

and it's just a horror show.

[Janet] It's your nan.

She kept asking for ya.

And I tried calling you, but...

I'm so sorry, love. She's gone.

[sorrowful choral music playing]

[Briggs, muffled] Come on, mate, let's go.

[Betty] Whoever pulls the sword out of the stone

gets to be the new King of England.

[announcer] He's here tonight to sing what has become

the unofficial national anthem.

It's the song on everyone's lips and in everyone's heart.

Ladies and gentlemen, the ego has landed.

[Betty] So the next thing you know,

all the knights are straining. [imitates straining]

[Betty laughing]

And turning red.

But nobody could budge it.

So you can imagine how everyone laughed

when little Arthur stepped up for his turn. [chuckles]

Everyone...

except Merlin.

Merlin just stroked his beard and whispered,

"Arthur, I know those sexy muscular knights

couldn't do it.

And you're just a little fart of a child

with puny little arms.

But I believe in you."

♪ I sit and wait ♪

[melancholy intro music plays]

♪ Does an angel Contemplate my fate? ♪

♪ And do they know ♪

♪ The places where we go ♪

♪ When we're gray and old? ♪

♪ 'Cause I have been told ♪

♪ That salvation ♪

♪ Lets their wings unfold ♪

♪ So when I'm lying in my bed ♪

♪ Thoughts running Through my head ♪

♪ And I feel that love is dead ♪

♪ I'm loving angels instead ♪

-[crowd cheering] -♪ And through it all ♪

-[crowd singing along] -♪ She offers me protection ♪

♪ A lot of love and affection ♪

♪ Whether I'm right or wrong ♪

♪ And down the waterfall ♪

♪ Wherever it may take me ♪

♪ I know that life Won't break me ♪

♪ When I come to call ♪

♪ She won't forsake me ♪

♪ I'm loving angels instead ♪

[instrumental break]

[reporters clamoring]

♪ And through it all ♪

♪ She offers me protection ♪

♪ A lot of love and affection ♪

♪ Whether I'm right or wrong ♪

♪ And down the waterfall ♪

♪ Wherever it may take me ♪

♪ I know that life Won't break me ♪

♪ When I come to call ♪

♪ She won't forsake me ♪

♪ I'm loving angels instead ♪

[wind whistling]

[muffled thrumming]

[mouths] I love you.

[screams]

[distorted outro music playing]

[ethereal outro music playing]

-[music ends] -[birds chirping]

[glass rattles softly]

Er, they're out of salt and vinegar.

Don't want 'em.

Okay.

We should get the boys together. [chuckles]

Have a little knees up before your concert tomorrow.

-Do ya good. -I can't face it.

Zip me up.

-[grunts] -Fucking hell.

What time's lift-off?

-It helps hide the fat. -Oh, yeah?

You've no idea what it takes to get up there.

I can't sleep.

[machine whirrs]

My back's fucked.

Yeah, but once you're up there,

you're smashing it, so...

See, that fucks me right off when people say that.

Being up there is the worst bit.

Pays all right, though. [chuckles]

Fuck.

You don't understand.

[snorts]

[grunts]

No. No, I don't understand.

[sniffles]

But at least I'm trying.

Yeah, you know, all I wanted was for you to ask me,

just once, how I'm doing.

You know, with work or my little girl or...

I'm about to walk out to 125,000 people!

You've got no fucking idea what that feels like.

Yeah, and you've no idea that I earn in a month

what you fucking snort in a minute.

Or... Or that Kayleigh's shacked up

with some fucking butcher, and so I'm living in an estate

surrounded by fucking psychopaths.

Or that I only get to see my kid

for two hours every fortnight. Or that...

So you need money?

Fucking hell.

You know, jealousy don't suit you, Nate.

Jealousy? Are you fucking kidding?

All right, yeah, I might have close to fuck all,

but you, you have fucking nothing!

[laughs] And this coming from you?

Nothing, nobody cunt.

You know, the difference between me and you, Nate?

It's not my money, it's not your kid.

It's the fact that I had the fucking balls

to make something of myself.

[machine continues whirring]

[scoffs]

[sniffles]

Yeah.

You bought a ticket to the dream.

And the dream came true, and...

yeah, fuck it, I am. I'm jealous of that.

Yeah, but you can keep the fucking rest.

[breathes heavily]

[air whooshing]

Nate! Nate!

Nate!

Fuck!

[shouts indistinctly]

[Peter] ♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Beyond the sea ♪

♪ Somewhere waiting for me ♪

♪ My lover stands On golden sands ♪

♪ And watches the ships ♪

♪ That go sailing ♪

And the crowd goes mild.

Time to get ready, youth!

We're going by helicopter and all.

Youth?

[sighs] Jesus Christ.

[grunts]

Youth!

[grunts]

[gasping]

[laughing]

You bastard!

I thought you'd passed out.

I have waited my whole life for you to step up,

[laughs] and all it took

was booking the biggest concert in British history.

What you going on about?

-When you left us... -Where's all this coming from?

...all those years, I thought,

"He's just sorting himself out.

He'll miss me so much

and he'll come back."

Yeah, and I did.

Yeah.

'Cause Nan made you.

I didn't leave you with nothing, though, did I?

Where do you think your talent comes from?

Jesus Christ. [laughs]

You've forgotten how fucking lucky you are,

that's your problem.

It's a privilege to do what we do.

What we do?

You live in a caravan.

You perform to 15 fucking people a night.

And I love every second of it.

And I don't need pills to get me through.

-[sighs] -Sure I'd give anything

to play to a big crowd. 'Course I would!

But if I only ever played to one person

for the rest of my life,

I'd be happy giving them everything I've got!

Unless that person was me, though, right?

Really? Who's been cheering you on from the wings, eh?

Who was it who stopped you from ruining your career?

There wouldn't be a Robbie Williams if it wasn't for me!

You've always been there for Robbie Williams, Dad.

Why couldn't you just be there for Robert?

[sighs]

You off to watch the football, then, yeah?

Nice one.

I'll see you in six years!

[inhales sharply] You don't have it!

[muffled whirring]

That's why you never made it!

-[whirring continues] -[wind whooshing]

Not as a husband!

Not as a father!

Not as anything!

[whirring and whooshing intensify]

Peter Conway doesn't fucking have it!

[screams]

[noises stop]

[breathes heavily]

Everything has come down to this.

They have come for me.

And I'm gonna die out there.

This is the end.

[dramatic operatic intro music plays]

[crowd cheering]

Light 'em up.

[band plays "Let Me Entertain You" intro]

♪ Hell is gone And heaven's here ♪

♪ There's nothing left For you to fear ♪

♪ Shake your ass Come over here ♪

♪ Now scream ♪

♪ I'm burning an effigy ♪

♪ Of everything I used to be ♪

♪ You're my rock of empathy My dear ♪

♪ So come on Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Life's too short For you to die ♪

♪ Come grab yourself an alibi ♪

♪ Heaven knows your mother lied Mon cher ♪

♪ Separate your right From wrong ♪

♪ Come and sing A different song ♪

♪ The kettle's on, So don't be long, mon cher ♪

♪ So come on, let me... ♪

♪ Entertain you ♪

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

Good evening, Knebworth!

[crowd cheers]

My name is Robbie Williams.

This is my band.

And for the next two hours,

your ass is mine!

[cheering]

♪ Look me up In the Yellow Pages ♪

♪ I will be Your rock of ages ♪

♪ See-through fads And your crazy phases ♪

♪ Little Bo-Peep Has lost his sheep ♪

♪ Popped a pill And fell asleep ♪

[phantom Robbie 1] We're going to slaughter you.

[phantom Robbie 2] Fucking useless.

[Robbie] ♪ Your mind gets burned with The habits you've learned ♪

♪ But we're the generation That's got to be heard ♪

♪ You're tired of your teachers And your school's a drag ♪

[phantom Robbie 2] You've got nowhere to go.

Do everyone a favor and fuckin' end it!

-Bounce! Bounce! Bounce! -[backup] ♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

[phantom Robbie 1] There is only one way out!

You don't deserve to fuckin' live!

-You will never be enough! -[yells]

♪ He may be good He may be out of sight ♪

♪ But he can't be here So come around tonight ♪

♪ Here is the place Where the feeling grows ♪

♪ You got to get high Before you... ♪ [vocalizes]

♪ Let me ♪

-♪ Entertain you ♪ -[yelling]

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

[all yelling]

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

No, no, no!

[yells]

[screaming]

[both screaming]

[music ends]

[whimpers, exhales]

[whimpering]

[continues whimpering]

[grunts]

[distant] ♪ Come on Come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

[drums playing]

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on Come on, come on ♪

[outro music playing]

-[groans] -[music stops]

[panting]

[groans softly]

[birds chittering]

[weakly] ♪ Send someone to love me ♪

♪ I need to rest in arms ♪

♪ Keep me safe from harm ♪

♪ In pouring rain ♪

-[groans] -[metal clatters]

♪ As my soul ♪

♪ Heals the shame ♪

[breathing shakily]

♪ I will grow ♪

♪ Through this pain ♪

♪ Lord, I'm doing ♪

♪ All I can ♪

["Better Man" instrumental fading in]

[sniffling]

[sobbing faintly]

[sniffles]

[music fades out]

♪ Send someone to love me ♪

-[choral music fades in] -♪ I need to rest in arms ♪

♪ Keep me safe from harm ♪

♪ In pouring rain ♪

♪ Give me endless summer ♪

♪ Lord, I fear the cold ♪

♪ Feel I'm getting old ♪

♪ Before my time ♪

♪ As my soul ♪

♪ Heals the shame ♪

♪ I will grow ♪

♪ Through this pain ♪

♪ Lord, I'm doing ♪

♪ All I can ♪

[woman] I lost the house.

The worst thing was I lost the ability to care.

You're next, if you want to share.

I feel a bit stupid, to be honest.

I'm just a chav that got everything they ever wanted.

It's a bit fucking embarrassing, to be frank.

I was taught that fame would solve everything.

But fame's got fuck all to do with me.

It's about acting out everyone else's fantasies.

You know, the shagging, the boozing,

the showing your bollocks on TV

and people cheering you for it.

Fame looks good in a photo.

They say your life freezes at the age you become famous.

So I am 15.

I'm stunted.

I'm unevolved.

And that's why I'm always like,

"Oh, it's okay, I think I'm a cunt and I'm fine with it."

It's so I get in there before you do.

And I fucking hate myself for it.

Sometimes it's a curse to get everything we want.

Repairing close relationships is a good first step

to repairing ourselves.

-[button clicks] -[razor whirring]

♪ Go easy on my conscience ♪

[choral orchestral music playing]

♪ 'Cause it's not my fault ♪

♪ I know I've been taught ♪

♪ To take the blame ♪

[choir vocalizing]

♪ As my soul ♪

♪ Heals the shame ♪

♪ I will grow ♪

♪ Through this pain ♪

♪ Lord, I'm doing ♪

♪ All I can... ♪

[glass shattering]

[car starts]

[car driving away]

♪ Give me endless summer ♪

♪ Lord, I feel the cold ♪

...to do this and you did it,

and you deserve goodness.

[Robbie] ♪ I will grow ♪

♪ Through this pain ♪

♪ Lord, I'm doing ♪

♪ All I can ♪

[instrumental break]

♪ Lord, I'm doing ♪

♪ All I can ♪

♪ To be a better man ♪

♪ To be a better man ♪

♪ To be a better man ♪

[indistinct TV chatter]

[Robbie laughing]

[Robbie] Good evening, folks. [clears throat]

Good evening, you slags.

No. Good evening, folks.

So, who is Robbie Williams?

Well, I've been called many things.

Narcissistic. Punchable.

Shit-eating twat.

But while I'm all those things,

I want to show you how I really see myself.

So sit back, relax,

while I give you a right fucking entertaining.

So...

the story starts.

[kisses]

[emotional music playing]

[emotional music continues]

This is the last song of the evening.

[audience groans]

It's sadder than that.

[audience groans]

It's much sadder than that.

[audience chuckles]

Thank you for being a wonderful audience tonight

and making my dream come true.

[cheers and applause]

I want to thank my mum

for being there when I needed you.

-[applause] -Always.

[mouths] I love you.

-[orchestra plays "My Way"] -[cheering]

You guessed it, folks.

[cheers and applause]

♪ And now the end is near... ♪

If you know the words, sing 'em.

If you don't, shut up, it'll sound crap.

[audience laughs]

♪ The final curtain ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ I'll say it clear ♪

♪ And state my case ♪

♪ On which I'm certain ♪

[woman] We love you, Robbie!

♪ I've lived A life that's full ♪

♪ I've travelled each And every highway ♪

Come on.

♪ And more... ♪

Everybody.

[audience] ♪ Much more than this ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

Now, I couldn't finish the show

without mentioning someone else here tonight.

I share a lot of the same mannerisms as this person.

People say I sing a bit like him, too.

He's made me who I am.

All the good things and a touch of the bad.

And I wouldn't be where I am without him.

We haven't performed together for...

25 years.

But I've wanted to every day since.

Please welcome to the stage,

my dad.

[cheers and applause]

[music soars]

Thank you very much.

What do you think, youth? Shall we light 'em up?

Tell it like it is, Dad.

♪ Regrets ♪

♪ I've had a few ♪

Me too.

♪ But then again ♪

♪ Too few to mention ♪

♪ I did what I had to do ♪

♪ And saw it through ♪

[audience cheers]

♪ Without exemption ♪

♪ I planned ♪

♪ Each charted course ♪

♪ Each careful step ♪

♪ Along the byway ♪

-I'm sorry, Robert. -I know, Dad.

You always had it, you know.

Now look at ya.

You're one of the gods.

♪ Yes, there were times ♪

♪ I'm sure you knew ♪

♪ When I bit off ♪

♪ More than I could chew ♪

♪ And through it all ♪

♪ When there was doubt ♪

♪ I ate it up ♪

♪ And spit it out ♪

♪ I faced it all ♪

♪ And I stood tall ♪

♪ And did it my way ♪

[audience cheering]

[audience roars]

Peter Conway, everybody.

My dad.

Or at least that's what Mum told us.

[mouths] Robert.

♪ I've loved ♪

♪ I've laughed and cried ♪

♪ I've had my fill ♪

♪ My share of losing ♪

♪ And now ♪

♪ As tears subside ♪

♪ I find it all so amusing ♪

♪ To think ♪

♪ I did all that ♪

♪ And may I say ♪

♪ Not in a shy way ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, no, not me ♪

♪ I did it my way ♪

♪ For what is a man? ♪

♪ What has he got? ♪

♪ If not himself ♪

♪ Then he has not ♪

♪ To say the things ♪

♪ He truly feels ♪

♪ And not the words ♪

♪ Of one who kneels ♪

♪ Let the record show ♪

♪ I took the blows ♪

♪ And did it ♪

♪ My way ♪

Nan? This is your grandson singing.

And I love you.

♪ I did it ♪

♪ My way ♪

Who did I love when I was a kid?

I loved Frank Sinatra.

Come on!

And I loved my dad and he's an entertainer.

Shit, that's who I am.

That feels good to me.

I want to make the 12-year-old at my nan's,

watching TV on a Saturday night, feeling safe,

I wanted to make that same 12-year-old feel safe on stage.

I'm a fucking entertainer.

It might be cabaret, but it's a world-class cabaret,

and I'm the fucking best at it.

-[final chord plays] -Fuck yourselves.

[music ends]

["Forbidden Road" plays]

♪ I walked along A forbidden road ♪

♪ I had to know ♪

♪ Where does it go? ♪

♪ Like birds that fly Into the sun ♪

♪ I had to run ♪

♪ I'm not the only one ♪

♪ Why do you look at me That way? ♪

♪ I'm not a problem That needs solving ♪

♪ The truth is still evolving ♪

♪ Life is the choices That we make ♪

♪ We're the masters Of our own fate ♪

♪ The painter and the paint ♪

♪ You need to lose your mind ♪

♪ To get back to the light ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ I walked along A forbidden road ♪

♪ I had to know ♪

♪ Where does it go? ♪

♪ Like birds that fly Into the sun ♪

♪ I had to run ♪

♪ I'm not the only one ♪

♪ Maybe I'm never satisfied ♪

♪ I made a lot Of poor decisions ♪

♪ Yeah, I've made Some revisions ♪

♪ And I'm still trying To get it right ♪

♪ I'm a living contradiction ♪

♪ The cure and the affliction ♪

♪ You need to lose your mind ♪

♪ To get back to the light ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ I walked along A forbidden road ♪

♪ I had to know ♪

♪ Where does it go? ♪

♪ Like birds that fly Into the sun ♪

♪ I had to run ♪

♪ I'm not the only one ♪

♪ So do you love me now? ♪

♪ Or did I let you down? ♪

♪ You said you wanted All my secrets ♪

♪ So I showed you All my demons ♪

♪ Do you love me now? ♪

♪ I walked along A forbidden road ♪

♪ I had to know ♪

♪ Where does it go? ♪

♪ Like birds that fly Into the sun ♪

♪ I had to run ♪

♪ I'm not the only one ♪

[song ends]

[mellow music playing]