Original subtitles

...Dr. Tarantula.

Huh?

What the hell?

A dog locked in a car. Is this the 1980s?

Am I fighting for my right to party in a Lacoste polo?

Well, the little guy seems like he's doing okay.

He's not even panting.

Maybe the owner just had, like, a bathroom emergency.

Yeah. Can't risk it.

It's probably what the owner thought.

Stand back.

Oh.

Starting to feel like this isn't your first time

busting out the window of a really nice car.

Perks of the job.

[crash]

Don't worry, buddy. The heroes have arrived.

Oh my God! What are you doing?!

Saving your dog's life.

What? I left my car on pet mode.

Oh, well... Um.

Hm. Actually, it's pretty cold in there.

You're probably drying out the little guy's sinuses,

so we'll let you off with a warning this time.

But please don't do it again.

Okay. Hi.

This is my supervisor's number,

and she's used to calls like this.

♪♪♪

And lastly, tonight is our annual trivia night

and Bettany has graciously agreed to emcee.

If there's any interest.

I happen to have an amazing memory recall technique.

Of course, I don't need it

because I'm retired from trivia.

You're not retired.

You were banned because you were cheating last year.

I sincerely thought we were using lifelines.

Then why did you crawl under the table

when you called your dad?

The memory trick is called chunking.

And if you want my advice--

Everyone, my sister Melinda is going to be at trivia tonight.

I can't believe I didn't lead with that.

I've been looking forward to this for weeks.

Did she like my welcome basket?

Yes, she did bring her own toothbrush,

but she really appreciated the gesture.

Well, I hope she's prepared

to witness an All-American tradition.

Drunks arguing about minor facts.

Fred and I will dominate trivia again.

This man is a beast when victory is on the line.

Hell, yeah. Out of our way.

Except I am gonna play with Isabelle this year.

Wait. Really?

Do you mind?

Of course not. Why would I mind?

You were dead weight last year.

What? Not true.

I dominated in pop culture, famous aviators,

and, of course, American witches.

And what if they ask about oceans?

Are you going to say it's just one big one again?

There is only one if you think about it.

But don't bait me, man. Okay?

I'm bursting with competitive juices right now.

Ready to blow.

[both] Ew!

Do they know they're still pressing the radio button?

Competitive juices.

I'm just saying, you don't want to go there with me.

I'm an Olympic-level athlete.

I'm gonna turn into somebody you don't like.

Uh, just to reiterate, this is a team-building activity.

And in the time that we've taken to get off track,

we've gotten about ten calls. So let's get back to work.

Thank you.

So, chunking, you take these big bits of information--

[Dispatch] Dispatch to Precinct 22.

Please keep this line clear.

Just like home, no one's listening to me.

Hm?

Hey, are you looking for a trivia partner?

I'll do it.

Oh, I'm not sure I want to participate

in that chest thumping display I heard earlier on the radio.

Oh, I know you want to beat them too.

I see how you look at Isabelle.

[chuckles]

Okay. Maybe she's not my favorite person.

You know, just floating through life,

eating the office Triscuits. Not a care in the world.

Well and, you know, your thing for Shred.

My... [laughs]

That's hilarious.

I mean, clearly you've been preparing for trivia,

because that is ancient history.

But platonically, yeah, I'd love to give her

a big old reality check.

Yeah, we would crush.

I'm an autodidact. You can look that up later.

And you seem like the type of person that knows

all about the English line of succession.

Oh, Prince George is hot on William's tail.

And the Mountbatten line,

I mean, don't even get me started.

They're a mess.

Yeah, it's all gobbledygook to me.

That's why we make great partners.

Um, yeah. Okay, let's do it.

But, you know, let's keep it light.

It's supposed to be fun.

Totally. We are going to rip their throats out

and make them swallow their own throats.

Lightly.

♪

The States have made you soft.

No, it's more of an eating culture.

It's good to overdrink

before a trivia contest, it loosens the brain.

[both] Don't be an egg.

Wow. Somehow in surround sound, I understand you even less.

I'm loving the sister energy. I always wanted a sibling.

I'm an only child, but I'm not looking for sympathy.

I had Steven, he was imaginary, but very cool.

Okay. Anyway, back to Melinda.

Why do you look so fresh? Didn't you have jet lag?

Oh, unlike this wild child, I have three kids at home.

I just slept nine hours on the plane, I feel glorious.

Long-distance flight. I never thought of that hack.

All trivia teams,

please report to your tables for skin inspection.

We all remember how Patel

wrote the periodic table on his forearm.

That's not exactly what happened.

That's exactly what happened.

Frank.

And that is the last thing you will get correct tonight.

Good luck, Squirt.

Squirt.

I'm going to start calling you that.

Thank you. No.

Okay.

Hey, Emily.

Wow. Got your answer sheet all ready to go.

Somebody's prepared.

Yeah, well, you know,

failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

So good luck.

Ah. Okay.

Well, she basically just called me a huge nerd

for writing our team name on our answer sheet.

I think you're reading into it.

I am going to destroy them.

But I like that energy. Bottle that up,

and then when the time is right, smash that bottle

and shank them over and over again with facts,

even after their body's not moving.

Okay.

The name of the game is General Trivia.

Five rounds. Nine questions each.

That's 48 questions total.

We have not started yet.

And the math is wrong.

Just getting in your head.

Is this guy... spicy. I like it.

This is me at Pepperoncini.

You don't want to see me at Carolina Reaper.

First category. US presidents.

First question.

The most popular first name for presidents is James.

List every presidential James.

In other words, let the James begin.

[man laughing]

Thank you, Greg.

I learned a bunch of this stuff

for my U.S. citizenship test.

James Garfield is somebody.

Oh, you're thinking of James Williams,

who you used to smoke weed and watch Garfield with.

Yeah, I ate a lot of lasagna that summer.

Oh, Melinda.

Okay, quick, take out all the money in your wallet.

Maybe that'll give us a clue.

Ooh. Okay.

Wait. I feel like there's one more.

Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter.

Yes, yes! Jimmy is short for James.

-Jimmy is short for James! -Yes, yes!

You are whispering so loud,

everyone's gonna know that we guessed

President James Franco.

Eight more questions, Boss.

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

It's called chunking.

You take bigger bits of information,

break them down into smaller, you guessed it, chunks.

Oh.

I know, it's totally simple, right?

No, I just cut my hand.

Mmhmm, mmhmm.

[Bettany] How many toes...

Oh, that is deep.

Oh, that is like urgent care deep.

I mean, I'm already short-staffed.

I might have to close early.

What? No, no, you can't do that.

I had to get clearance

for these hours from my wife, I can't--

No, I can't go home now. Let me tend bar.

Really?

Yeah, I did it in college.

I told you that a few minutes ago, Marty.

Okay. Hold down the fort. Just cans and bottles.

Absolutely. I got you, Marty.

-Thanks, Peter. -Patel.

Patel.

Bartender Patel.

Okay, I want to hear about your crazy life.

Who are you hooking up with right now?

Well, this will sound like a lie,

but I am kind of in a sexual triangle

with, like, a female billionaire lifestyle mogul

whose name I can't legally say.

Oh, like a sexy polyamorous Voldemort?

Sure. Yeah.

Who's the other person?

-Co-worker. -Wow.

Don't look at her. It's not her.

That is a full plate, even for you.

Thank you. Yeah.

Okay, I have tabulated the scores,

and it looks like the leaders are Lone Wolf and Associates

at 14 points.

[Emily howls]

Yeah, it's a silent wolf.

Silent. [silent howl]

In a close second. We got Shrezzabelle at 13 points.

Permission to approach the bench.

It's a stage. But, yeah, you may.

I think you'll see that they've written--

All right.

All right, uh, yeah.

It looks like, uh, scores have been updated.

Lone Wolf and Associates and Shrezzabelle are now tied at 13.

-What? -No.

What did you say?

He accurately pointed out that the first Irish step dancer

to visit the White House

is Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.

-Yeah, that's what we wrote. -Yeah.

No, no, no. You wrote The Lord of the Dance.

Oh, squeeze us twice.

My Mormon teammate is right. This is BS.

Yeah.

Guys, is this really how you want to win this?

Yeah. Let them have their little measly point.

Because we will be climbing the victor's podium

to take our place amongst the pantheon of champions

of bar trivia.

Just a reminder, there is no podium.

There is a $100 gift certificate

for the surf and turf platter for two,

which expires at midnight.

And our sweet victory over Shrezebelle will be our dessert.

And the skillet cookie.

Oh, we'll definitely get the skillet cookie.

-Frank. -Yeah.

-Hi. -Hi.

Bye.

[whispering] Is she trying to look at our answer?

That's him, isn't it?

Tall, arrogant, and basically describing dad.

Take that-- That's disgusting.

You are disgusting.

Is he also withholding?

You are making a very normal platonic situation

where we're sex-sharing a billionaire weird.

It's not weird.

I bet he sneezes loud, too.

[loud sneeze]

[Frank] Oh. Please.

That wasn't that loud.

You know, it might be fun if we both got to play.

Because, you know, we're on a team.

If you want to help, you can use your body

to block the answer sheet.

Watch this.

Isabelle! Block now!

Oh, quit acting like you're eating in prison.

I'm not going to steal your lunch.

Hey, speaking of theft.

Hi, Isabelle.

Hi, Frank. Close game, isn't it?

Yeah.

You gonna pay for those fries,

or is this one of your adorable

dine-and-dash situations?

I only stick it to the man at chain restaurants.

You do know that when you do that,

Shred goes back and pays, right?

You do?

No.

Yeah.

Okay. I'm feeling weirdly judged and embarrassed.

Well, that's the opposite of how I want you to feel.

That's why I do it behind your back.

Okay, well, in relationships,

you're not supposed to do things

behind your partner's back.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Like, use my prescription sensitivity toothpaste.

-Yes. -Oh, my God.

Yes, I smell it on your breath.

[Isabelle] Okay, we'll stop at a pharmacy on the way home,

and I'll steal you another one.

It's not that big a deal.

[Shred] That's not what I want.

I want you to respect the one that I have.

[Isabelle] I want you to let me steal when I need to steal.

Sounds like you're projecting your anxieties

about getting older onto your summer intern.

Now, you either pay him like a grown-up

or you let a kid be a kid.

Right?

Get out of here, you rascal!

[Patel laughs]

Spicy three ways, all night raves.

I think it's so great. You haven't changed at all.

Thanks.

What do you mean by that, exactly?

Well, don't take this the wrong way,

but you're acting like the same club girl.

You were back in Auckland.

Don't take this the wrong way,

maybe you're just super bored with your own life.

It's called being responsible.

I have to be the perfect child holding the family together.

Right? Yeah.

Mum's sick, Victoria.

She is?

No, but if she was,

I would be the one spoon-feeding her--

What is wrong with you? You are so dramatic.

Oh. I'm dramatic.

You're the one who moved to Seattle

because you were so obsessed with the movie Twilight.

Oh, okay. Uh, trivia can wait.

We need to hear this.

It was more the books than the movies.

Oh, I get it, girl.

He could read everyone's mind but hers.

Okay, we need to stay focused and unpack this later, okay?

Is that my scrunchie?

Did you steal that from my room?

No, it's my scrunchie that you took from my room in year 10.

Give it back. That is not your scrunchie.

-Year ten -No, it is not.

And you don't suit an updo, so take it off.

[yelps]

-Get that! -I got it at a market.

Okay. Round 4 is over.

Score update.

Looks like Lone Wolf and Associates have taken the lead.

Yes, yes!

[Emily howls]

Excessive celebration.

All right, everybody shut up.

Okay, now, this next one is a fun one.

Next category is the great American novel.

Damn it! This is Frank's category.

Hey, are you good at books?

I read mainly nonfiction, DIY manuals,

historical pornography, blueprints.

This is going to be a bloodbath.

Wait, let me see one of your wallets.

Fast, fast. Come on.

Thank you.

Oh, you quitting already, quitter?

Is that it?

First question. Which one of these

great American novels is the shortest?

Fahrenheit 451,

The Catcher in the Rye or Beloved?

I do remember Beloved being pretty short

because I read it all

during a single high school dance.

Your childhood stories are affecting my game now.

Fahrenheit 451 is not that long,

but for Ray Bradbury, it's...

["Hey Mickey" plays]

Uh... it's... not.

Are you okay?

♪... you're so fine,

♪ you blow my mind. Hey, Mickey. ♪

♪ Hey Mickey

Excuse me.

♪ Oh, Mickey, you're so fine ♪

♪ you're so fine you blow my mind ♪

♪ Hey Mickey

♪ Hey Mickey

Yep. The machine's just for show.

It's playing over the bar sound system, too.

It doesn't bother me. I'm fine.

Good.

So fine.

It blows my mind.

Uh oh.

I'll be right back.

♪ Oh, Mickey, what a pity ♪

♪ you don't understand

♪ you take me by the heart

♪ and you take me by the hand ♪

♪ Oh, Mickey you're...

What... what just happened?

Just a little psychological warfare.

Found a little Frank scab and picked it.

That's a pretty messed up thing to do to your friend.

All right, next question.

Okay, shh. We have to focus up.

Excuse me? Shh?

Name one of the witches of Eastwick.

Oh. Hell yeah. You hear that, Frank?

Bettany's talking witches in here.

American witches.

♪ Oh, Mickey, what a pity you don't understand ♪

♪ you take me by the heart ♪

Can I give you five? Stop!

♪ and you take me by the hand ♪

Fine. Fine.

Sorry. Spencer, darling, I can't hear you.

Auntie Victoria made mummy's eardrums ring.

I'll call you back.

Oh. Hi, Frank.

-Hey, Mickey. -It's Melinda.

Mhm.

You all right?

No. Stupid. Doesn't matter.

When I was a boy,

my brothers locked me in a room for 48 hours.

And they played the song "Hey, Mickey" on a loop.

Siblings are the worst.

Yeah, I shouldn't have told Shred,

but I didn't have a good excuse

for why I was punching the truck stereo.

Yeah. People that know you the best

really know how to get under your skin.

Mhm.

I used to microwave Victoria's favorite

stuffed bunny when we were little.

I wonder if that's why she saves animals now.

I'm going to head back inside. Do you want to join or.

No I'm going to walk this off.

I'm gonna punch these trash bags for a while.

Okay. Put those big muscles to use.

Right. I am big, right? Yeah, I am.

Yeah.

[singing] ♪ Hey, Mickey what a pity ♪--

Oh. [laughs] Please.

- Oh, the thing. - Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

No. It's cool, it's cool.

Hey.

Hey.

Things are really heating up out there, huh?

Yeah.

Kind of sucks.

Oh, really? You're not a trivia fan?

No, it's just Shred.

He's just being so insane about winning.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a free meal,

but he's just acting like such a dick.

Oh, wow.

Okay. I'm sorry, I just realized

I'm complaining about my boyfriend to his boss.

That's... yeah.

- No. - Sorry.

No, it's totally good. I'm like a cool boss.

Like I'm wearing jeans at a bar.

So keep going, chica.

Really?

'Cause we've never really done this before.

Yeah, I don't know.

I kind of always got the sense you don't totally like me.

[high-pitched] What?!

Ow!

[both laugh]

Oh my God, no Isabelle.

No. The only thing I don't like about you

is how, like, bad you are at reading people.

Because I'm... I'm fond of you.

Like, I love how much soap you're putting in that bag.

Um, no. So if you want to, like, bitch about

the whole BF like... green light.

I might take you up on that another time,

but I'm gonna go get some air.

Yeah. Thanks. See ya later.

Enjoy the soap.

Did you hear that, Steven? They're having problems.

They're having problems.

Now you sing.

[clamoring] Can I have a drink, please?

Yeah, one sec.

Hi. Hello.

Victoria. You never told me you were a Twihard.

What are you, Team Edward or Team Jacob or Team Bella?

You know, Melinda is so judgy.

What I did was hard.

I started a whole new life that I'm really proud of.

On the other side of the world, where people measure stuff

like lunatics, and I just--

Why can't she celebrate that, you know?

She should.

You're doing great, you know. We're all doing great.

Everything is great.

What is going on with you?

Did you OD on your allergy meds?

No.

I think I know what's going on.

You became a U.S. citizen.

So?

So Melinda knows you're not moving back,

and that makes her sad.

She didn't seem sad when she bit me.

She bit me.

Oh.

That's just her feelings coming out sideways.

Wow. That was almost wise.

This is really working for you.

It kind of feels

like I've wasted my life up until this point.

Yeah.

Alright, after the final round, it looks like we have a tie,

so I need a player from Lone Wolf and Associates

and Shrezzabelle, to come on up--

--for the tie-breaker. -Yes!

Hey, Mickey.

Not so fast.

Hey.

Can I go head-to-head with Shred please?

Please, please, please, please, please.

Oh, yeah. Totally.

You kind of smell like garbage.

Yeah, I punched through a whole bag

of cioppino out back.

Okay. That's great. Break a leg.

Where's your girlfriend?

She leveled up and dumped you

for the 87th best snowboarder in America.

Where's your mom?

That's right. She's dead.

Jeez.

Gonna regret that in the morning.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Back it up, back it up.

All right, I want a clean game, fellas.

Five questions, rapid fire.

Ding the bell! Answer the question.

You get it wrong. The other player can steal.

First question.

[ding] The Mariana Trench.

[ding] High tide.

[ding] Vulcanized rubber.

[ding] Key Largo.

[ding] The Maldives.

Kermit the Frog.

Incorrect. Frank, yours is steal.

Robert. Bob. Cratchit.

Correct.

[ding] Who cares?

[ding] Handlebars.

[ding] Computers.

Uh... this is way more than five questions.

Final question.

Which mammal can last the longest

without drinking water?

[ding] Kangaroo rat, I win!

Uh, Shred... that was Frank's guess.

Damn your cold, callused hands.

I'm gonna go with kangaroo rat.

Never breaks a sweat.

Urinates sparingly, just like me.

That is... correct. We have a winner.

Yeah!!! I possess all knowledge!!!

All knowledge!!!

Whew!

Lone Wolf and Associates

have won the surf and turf grand prize.

Dessert not included.

Congrats, Frank.

You're officially the biggest nerd.

We did it!

We did it!

Tonight we feast!

Your consolation prize is a t-shirt.

We only had a women's small.

Maybe you and Isabelle can share it.

Think you can hide from me.

I can spot those sturdy little ankles from a mile away.

Spencer rang again, and the lady with the microphone

called me out for using my phone

during trivia, so I ducked in here.

It's no spade.

No, I miss their summer ale.

Do you think you'll ever have some of it again?

Yeah, of course I will. Maybe this summer.

Spencer is nervous about starting intermediate.

He could use his cool auntie to help him get ready.

You think I'm cool?

Yes. And I'm probably a little jealous of your life.

American dad kind of does it for me, too.

Oh, he doesn't do it for me.

You have to stop calling him that, by the way.

I'm serious.

For what it's worth,

I could see you settling down eventually.

You just put your own spin on it and take your kid

to a baby rave in an abandoned diaper factory.

Thank you.

Are you gonna tie your hair up?

You've got quite a few gray hairs.

Stop talking.

I'd want to just pull it back.

Do you want to know what's funny?

What?

I did steal the scrunchie.

[both chuckle]

[camera shutter snaps]

I'm... glad you didn't leave.

I tried to hitchhike, but no takers.

Well, I got you something, and I didn't pay for it,

so we should probably eat fast.

You dined and dashed for me.

I did.

I'm sorry I was so bad tonight.

I just had this whole crazy competitive side

that you haven't seen before.

I was going to stay mad at you,

but there're scalloped potatoes in here, so.

I really don't want to mess this up.

I really don't want you to mess this up either.

You were so bad tonight.

Yeah.

You stole food.

Mmhmm.

But this is a small business, you should pay.

Yeah, I may have already put a few dollars under the coaster.

Like $50.

[chuckles]

I'm gonna save this lobster claw for Monday

to eat in front of Shred.

Yup. It was a tough night for Team Shrezzabelle.

Good job, partner.

How does it feel to beat your sworn enemy?

Okay, Isabelle is actually not that bad.

And it's not like I'm the only one who's competitive with her.

What are you talking about?

Come on. The reason you got so aggro tonight.

You miss having your friend Shred all to yourself.

Look, if I wanted friends,

I wouldn't treat people the way I do.

One more thing. Boink!

What?

Why did you. Wow. Why?

Why?

I don't know. I saw Melinda do it.

I'm just feeling very good.

Yeah, well, then definitely don't look outside.

Mmhmm.

I really don't like her.

Me neither.

And I think she took my wallet.

♪