Original subtitles

I was thinking how I keep waiting

for life to get easier.

You know? Lower stakes.

Less risk, more reward. Easier.

And I was thinking that maybe it doesn't.

I was thinking that maybe the struggle, the climb,

the one obstacle after another, maybe

that's just life.

Done. Done.

Eighty-eight seconds.

Hmm.

Can I call Cooper now?

You can call Cooper now.

Nights when Lucas stays with Pete used to mean

a long, hot, uninterrupted bath.

But this is so much better. Yeah?

Well, I'm gonna take a half day tomorrow.

Yay! I'm gonna come home for lunch, I'll see you then.

I was thinking maybe you'd bring Lucas to the fire station.

That'd be the coolest place he's ever been.

That's really sweet.

Oh...

That was really dismissive.

That's not how I meant it--

No? How--? No? How did you mean it?

Ow. Look, you make me happy, Violet.

And I'm ready for this to be more.

I want you to meet my friends. I wanna get to know your son.

I want your toothbrush in my bathroom.

I'm ready for it to be real.

Is that what you want?

Is it Pete? I-- Scott, I-- I--

I like you. I like this. Yeah?

But my life is-- It's complicated.

Everyone's life is complicated.

The question is, do you want me to be a part of yours?

How you feeling now?

Good.

Really good. And I'm so grateful.

I was a zombie and you woke me up.

Well, the wrong medication can make everything worse.

But now that the fog has lifted,

we can work toward a proper diagnosis.

Well, today, right now, I feel normal.

I got up at 6, I did a load of Sam's laundry,

I alphabetized his bookshelves.

Heh. I don't know about you,

but I hate when people's books

are just randomly stuffed in there.

You're looking for one, you can't find it.

Okay.

Then I went for a run, and I looked at the ocean.

And I didn't just stare at it. I really...

I really saw it.

Well, that's a lot for a morning.

Yeah, well, I have 20 years to make up for.

For myself and for my brother.

I want us to be closer but...

I don't know how to--

You can always talk to me, Corinne. Always.

I'm just not sure where to start.

I mean, what to leave out.

There's a lot that I am not proud of.

Well, that was your past

and perhaps as we get more comfortable,

we can address that.

Why don't we focus on what's happening now?

I'm ready to start over.

To have the kind of life that everyone else has.

Well, that's something to work toward.

Oh, that sounds oddly patronizing.

No. Wait, wait.

You're saying you don't think

that she can get there or...?

It's important to understand our limitations.

That goes for all of us.

You're not listening. I'm not crazy.

This is me. I'm back now, and there's nothing I can't do.

As Amy has told you,

gliosarcomas are very aggressive tumors

that don't respond well to treatment.

And what's the plan?

We're gonna insert vascular balloons

into your brain and bypass the large blood vessel

that's infiltrated by the tumor.

Our hope is to preserve

the healthy brain tissue and remove the tumor.

What's the catch?

We only have 90 seconds to do it.

What?

After 90 seconds with no blood,

Erica's brain tissue starts to die.

We'd be causing a stroke.

Ninety seconds.

Can you do that?

Not alone. But working together--

They've done it in the practice suite. Twice.

Twice. Twice so far,

and we'll keep practicing.

Erica, I'm not gonna lie to you,

this has never been done.

It's risky. But I believe we can do it.

Maybe you wanna take a few more days to practice.

Try and get that number up.

Unfortunately, time is critical.

We have to remove the tumor before it's too big.

When? Today.

You wanna try surgery on me

that's never been successful today?

And if you fail, my brain dies.

That's what we're saying?

You have two world-class surgeons

telling you you have a chance. Two days ago you had none.

You have to take that chance.

I need a day.

I have a son who's stuck watching TV with the nurse

with no idea what's happening, so, ahem, I need a day.

Okay.

Book the OR. First thing tomorrow.

On my count. One, two...

Dr. Bennett, we were watching TV,

then Gloria couldn't catch her breath.

Sudden onset of dyspnea.

No associated chest pain or palpitations. Tachy at 120.

Cardiac panel, enzymes, portable chest.

She's also 30 weeks pregnant.

What? She's pregnant? She didn't wanna tell you.

Because you knew it wasn't supposed to happen.

I'm so sorry.

High flow O2, 100 percent.

Dr. Bennett. What's going on?

She's in congestive heart failure.

What are you doing here? I'm the IVF doctor.

Dr. Reilly gave us our baby. Wait, what were you thinking?

You know how dangerous it is for her to carry a baby now.

It was routine. No contraindications.

Well, I gave her a donor heart.

Started working with her before I joined the practice.

She never mentioned anything.

Don't you do physical examinations on patients

before you knock them up? I do a gynecological exam.

Gloria's was normal. She--

I expect my patients to be forthright

with their health. She wasn't.

Fine. You can rely on whatever--

Oh. Am I interrupting? Yes.

No. Jake did IVF on one of my heart transplant patients.

Not knowingly.

Well, that is either crazy or irresponsible.

Could you please back me up on this?

I just came in to get a yogurt.

No, no. Weigh in on this. Addie, no, no.

I helped out a patient who lied

that she had no preexisting conditions.

After he happened to miss

the zipper scar right down the middle of her chest.

I don't ask my patients to disrobe entirely

when I'm doing a routine fertility evaluation.

Do you? Want me to start? Okay.

It doesn't matter how we got here.

What matters is keeping your patient alive

and giving the baby a fighting chance.

She's 30 weeks. That's viable.

We deliver now--

We know there's a big difference

between viable and healthy. We can't wait.

We need to give this baby a chance.

Gloria could die.

She's persistently hypotensive,

she could be rejecting the donor heart.

It could be something else.

That is a chance that I don't think we should take.

Sam's right.

You gonna eat that or frame it?

It's a little thing called attention to detail, my friend.

Oh, Violet, hello. Look. Hey.

Hi. Hello.

I'm sorry. I just need

to get that juice. Whoops. Heh, heh.

Kind of in a rush. Okay.

All right. See you. Uh-huh.

That wasn't awkward at all.

You got it.

Come on, Dad.

Charlotte throws harder than you do.

Come on. Less chatty, more throwy.

You know what? I think it's gonna rain again.

I think we should go.

We're not scared of a little rain, are we?

It's more the threat of pneumonia and lightning.

Mas, I think you might be right. Your dad might be a wuss.

Go long.

Mom, did you see that?

You all right? Would you be?

Mom, what's wrong? Are you okay?

I'm not okay, honey.

I'm sick. And I'm sure you've noticed that.

And I should have talked to you about it before because

I'm really sick.

What do you mean?

What's wrong with you?

There's a tumor in her brain, Mason.

Mom,

you're not gonna die, are you?

I hope not.

I really, really hope not.

How long have you been sick?

A long time.

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't you tell me you might die?

Mason. Mason.

We're doing everything that we can.

She should have told me.

Mason. Here, I'll go. I'll go.

Hey. What were you doing before?

What do you mean?

With Corinne. You were being patronizing.

And a little pessimistic. No, Sam, I was being realistic.

Corinne's behavior felt--

Her speech was pressured, she was highly energized.

Her thoughts were expansive.

That's Corinne. It's also hypomania.

All right, so...

So she's a bit manic.

Which could easily precede full-blown mania and--

That's a freight train. At least she's not depressed.

If my gut is right, that'll happen later.

What? I'm not prepared

to confirm a diagnosis, Sam.

But it's very clear to me that Corinne is sick.

Probably since she was a teenager.

And the last two decades have been a spiral of descent.

I didn't hear her say that.

I'm trained to listen to what isn't said.

My sister being happy isn't a disease, Sheldon.

It-- Look, when Corinne left,

even when it was bad,

she was in my blood, she was a huge part of my life.

And when she walked out that door,

a part of me died and I buried it,

along with all my memories of her.

But now...

I don't know. I think that she is back.

My sister is back.

Well, Dr. Bennett thinks you should have a C-section now.

It'll put the least amount of strain on your heart.

It's too soon for the baby.

Do you really think delivering at 30 weeks is ideal?

Look, you're not wrong.

It will put your baby at risk for developmental problems.

But waiting might not be an option.

We've been through so much to--

To give up now and just hope

that our premature baby survives--

We were wrong to deceive you,

but no matter what Dr. Bennett says,

we won't do a C-section.

Not now.

Hey. Thanks.

Okay, remember I was telling you about that sex I was having?

That unattached, X-rated, filthy, hot--

Yes, I remember.

I think I may have screwed it up.

Scott said he wants more.

What did you say? Nothing.

What did he say? I just rolled on top of him

and shut him up.

Interesting strategy.

I just-- I don't know what I want.

Yeah, join the club.

I slept with Sam. What?

I was all jazzed up about saving that baby

and he was all spun out about Corinne.

One thing led to another...

Are you guys getting back together?

No.

Because you wanna throw yourself at Jake again?

No, no, definitely not.

All I get from that guy is frostbite.

Ahem. What about--?

You know, what about you and Pete?

Ah... When I think about going back into that situation, I--

No, he hasn't changed. Nothing's changed, so no.

And as for Scott,

look, look, I am a mother, I have a full-time job.

I have no business getting into a real relationship.

Do you like him? I mean, apart from the filthy, hot sex?

He's good. He's kind.

He rubs my feet when we watch TV.

There's nothing wrong with having fun.

If that's what feels right for you,

then don't change a thing.

Chocolate malted.

And a coffee too please. Regular.

Mmm.

Thank you. Keep the change.

It's Mom's favorite.

She's all right, you know. Mom.

I was afraid to ask.

It's been so long, I thought maybe--

No, no, no, she's fine. She's healthy, retired.

She's got a companion named James.

Our mother is getting-- No, no, no. They just--

They go out to dinners, he fixes stuff around the house.

Ha, ha! Sure, he does. Ugh.

Come on. That's nasty.

Did she ever talk about me?

Yeah, yeah. Uh...

In the beginning.

But, you know, then it got tough for her,

more than she could take.

After a while-- She forgot about me.

No. You were always there.

For both of us.

We should call her.

I can't.

Not yet. I mean, you know,

this has already been a lot, you know. I'm not ready, okay?

Okay. All right.

Mm.

Oh, no.

No, I still haven't Please.

gotten over the PTSD

from the last time you T-boned me.

No, it's been forever.

I'm a grown-- Let it go. Come on.

Come with me right now.

You're going.

Done. Done.

Ninety-two seconds.

Damn it. Son of a bitch.

You did it five times straight in under 90.

We don't practice until you can do it right.

You practice until you can't do it wrong.

Okay. Go again.

How's Erica?

Sleeping or trying to.

I don't know how you'd fall asleep

the night before you...

I did this wrong. I just-- I did it

all wrong. How so?

Dragging Erica up here

for some Hail Mary surgery

that our friends are gonna perform.

They don't even know if they can pull off.

All I can do is pace around,

thinking through every awful eventuality.

And my son is trapped in a front-row seat

for whatever happens, and you? You didn't ask for any of it

and you're trapped in the middle of a horror show.

Coop, breathe.

No, I can't breathe, Charlotte. That's--

I can't breathe because I feel like I screwed everything up,

in the worst possible way.

You didn't screw it up.

You did the best you could.

Tell me it's gonna be okay.

Coop. I'm not asking for a fairy tale.

I'm just saying, no matter what happens,

it's gonna be okay.

With worst case and she dies,

I mean, it's gonna be okay.

Like we can do this, we can raise this kid,

you can be a mother.

Just say it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

It's gonna be okay.

So they're gonna be coming

to take you to the OR in a couple minutes and, uh...

How you feeling?

Okay.

But they keep it a little cold in here,

don't you think, baby?

Mason, please don't be mad at your mom right now.

No, he gets to be mad.

Mason, look at me.

You get to be mad.

You get to have all of your feelings.

As long as you know, you have to know, that I love you.

Come here.

I love you more than anything in this whole stupid world. Heh.

And I always will, from wherever I am.

Even if you're mad at me.

You know that, don't you?

Now, I need you to go with your dad.

Because I have to talk to Charlotte for a second, okay?

You can eat as much junk food as you want today.

It's okay.

What can I do for you?

Teach him how to drive a stick.

Before you ever let him drive an automatic,

teach him how to drive a stick

so then he'll never be stranded, okay?

Okay. Don't push him too hard

on his grades. He's smart like Cooper,

but he's too hard on himself,

so don't add to that, okay?

Okay. And talk about me.

You'll be his mom, but-- No.

You will always be his mama.

Whatever happens.

Always. He needs a living mom.

He'll need you. You get that?

Cooper's not enough.

He'll need you.

They're doing the surgery today?

Okay. Well, yeah.

Call or text or do something

as soon as you know anything, okay?

All right. Love to everyone.

Wow, that was fast.

How are Charlotte and Cooper holding up?

Trying.

Oh, hey, do you have plans tonight?

Do I have plans tonight?

Yeah. I was wondering if I could come by and see Lucas.

If you're busy, then I'll--

No, no, no. That's fine. That's fine. Yes.

Hey. Do you have a second?

I'm kind of busy right now.

I'm sorry that I didn't back you up with Sam.

Well, no surprise there, right?

Look, you know what--

What happened with Sam was a one-time thing.

And I am quite capable

of separating my personal feelings

from my professional opinions.

Gloria fought the odds to become a mother.

You know, maybe unwisely,

but she's earned the right

to put the life of her baby ahead of her own.

No matter what we think, she has that right.

But Sam said-- Sam isn't her IVF specialist.

All right? And neither are you.

Anything else?

You can do this.

There's no margin for error.

There's no margin for self-doubt.

You think I don't know that?

I'll see you in the OR.

The last time I operated on a friend, I was out of it.

It's a miracle nothing went wrong.

I mean, what if my karmic payback is now and Erica dies?

I know you're scared. That's good.

Well, how is that different from having self-doubt?

You don't doubt your skills as a surgeon.

I wouldn't let you scrub in if you did.

I don't-- I don't see the difference--

After Dad died,

any time there was a loud noise,

like a gunshot, you'd jump out of your skin.

You got ahold of these firecrackers.

I found you in the yard and you were setting them off

one at a time until you didn't jump anymore.

When you're scared, you fight.

You face your fear and you fight.

And you fight to win.

Your fight is much stronger

than any karmic payback.

You got this, Amy.

We got this.

Hey. Whoa.

I thought we'd have stir-fry tonight.

This is adventurous.

When did you learn how to cook?

Couple years ago.

There's this dive on Pico in Venice.

The chef took pity on me.

Let me watch in the kitchen and eat the leftovers.

Wait. A couple years ago? That-- You must mean...

Wait, how--?

How long you been here in L.A.?

It's, um...

It's complicated. Corinne.

How long you been here?

You know, there's a shelter on Santa Monica.

I'm just gonna go-- Wait. Don't-- Don't--

Don't avoid me. Don't run away.

Just answer my question.

Five-- Five-- Five years.

Do you have any idea

what it's been like for me?

For Mom? We--

We thought you were dead.

Do you get that?

Hey! We thought you were dead!

After ten years, we had a funeral for you.

Your name was on a headstone.

Sam, I-- Don't. Stop.

Because I had to watch our mother broken.

She was destroyed.

And me? How could you do that to me?

To us?

It's not about you. How could it be?

It's always been about you!

What happened to my baby sister?

You don't wanna know.

You're right, I don't wanna know.

All this was so much easier

when we thought you were dead.

Last night, I was

laying down in Sam's guest room

and I was fantasizing about an earthquake.

Not one that would hurt anyone else.

Just enough to make the piece of roof above my head

fall and crack my skull open.

To what end?

I'm not sure.

I don't know if I just wanted the pain to stop

or if I wished I could finally feel something real.

But then again, I don't--

I don't even know what's real.

All of it is.

Everything you feel.

So I am a waste of skin.

Corinne. For what I did to Sam,

to my mother,

I should be taken out back and shot.

This is not your fault.

You're suffering from a disorder.

It's called-- Does it matter what it's called?

Because whatever you think it is,

there's a drug for it.

And I'm pretty sure I've taken it before

and it didn't work.

What's happening with you,

what's been happening all these years,

is bigger than you.

And every day a battle is fought in your mind.

And with repeated misdiagnoses,

and the lack of proper treatment,

and the instability of your life,

all those things have made it worse.

You're suffering from bipolar disorder.

And right now, you feel like you can't go on,

but I'm telling you-- I'm tired, Dr. Wallace.

I'm so tired.

Why'd this happen to me? I was so smart.

I got A's in everything.

I could do everything.

My junior year in high school, everyone wanted to be me.

And then one day, it was all gone.

I can only imagine how hard that would be.

But the Corinne of yesterday

did a load of laundry, and organized some books

and went on a run.

And if you can endure bottoms,

there will be tops that will allow you

to shine and to thrive.

And with the proper medications, and diet and sleep,

we can try to turn down the intensity of the swings

and help you achieve your own normalcy.

But you have to be patient

and you have to let me help you.

The graft is ready.

Ready to inflate?

Timer on. Ninety seconds.

Ready? Ready.

One, two, three, go.

Done. It's in.

Eighty-five seconds!

Sorry, 85 seconds.

New record. You did it.

We did it.

We did it.

Okay, good. Moving on.

Let's excise the infiltrated vessels.

Uh, pressure's going through the roof.

The artery is non-pulsatile. She's thrown a clot.

Damn it, she's stroking out.

You know what that is?

It's a brain.

It's your mama's brain.

And that is the tumor growing inside it.

So the doctors have to cut into her head to get it out?

Mm-hm.

So how are they gonna do it?

Well, first they'll cut out a section of her skull

and dissect the brain so that they can see the tumor.

And they'll separate the tumor from surrounding tissue

before removing it.

If everything turns out right,

they'll close her up.

But what could go wrong?

There are risks with any brain surgery.

Your mom could get a blood clot

or bleeding in the brain.

It might affect her speech, her vision, her memory.

She might have a seizure or a stroke.

Or she could die from the operation.

But that is why we came to Seattle.

We wanted your mama to have the very best surgeons

doing her operation.

You're telling me the truth?

This is all of it?

Yes. This is all of it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Pressure's 179 over 105.

Shut the hell up. We know.

The clot's jammed up

against the proximal end of the shunt.

I see it.

I'm taking the shunt out.

Without it, there's no blood supply.

We don't clear the clot, she's dead. Do it.

Microscissors.

Through the suture line.

Almost there.

Got it.

Pressure is--

Is what it is.

Shunt's out now.

That pretty much cleared out the clot.

Good. Reinserting the shunt.

There.

The artery's pulsatile.

And pressure's coming down.

Okay. Shall we continue?

I need the graft

and another microdriver.

Just another five or six hours to go. We're cruising now.

That scared the crap out of me. Yeah, me too.

Corinne.

Hey. Uh...

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, I just wanted to apologize for this morning.

I didn't mean to yell. Yes, you did.

Because you are the selfish one.

For the last 20 years, everything in my head,

it's been big and bold.

No whispers, just screams.

And I tried to deal with it.

You know, I felt responsible.

I thought it was me.

But you know what, Sam? I'm sick.

I'm the one with bipolar disorder.

So you can complain all you want

about how worried you were and how worried Mom was.

And I feel bad about that, I really do.

But I was living it.

And I protected you from the worst of it.

While you were in med school, I did my first stint in jail.

And while you were off being a big, fancy doctor,

I was eating garbage,

so I could have enough money for drugs

because that was the only way to escape the pain.

And while you were having a family and living in Malibu,

I was selling my body

just to survive.

So you missed me.

Poor you.

This isn't your journey, it's mine.

It is my pathetic life.

And you might hate me.

But guess what, Sam, I hate me more.

And I can tell you to go to hell.

But having lived there the past 20 years,

I'm pretty sure you can't handle it.

And so screw you.

What happened? She was fine

and then she just started gasping for air again.

Pulse ox is dropping.

Up the nitro drip.

Back 100 percent O2.

Why is she not getting better?

I'm not sure.

We're gonna have to take you to the cardio lab.

We need to do an endocardial biopsy.

Figure out what's going on.

Is the procedure safe for the baby?

The baby will be exposed to radiation during the x-ray.

The procedure could cause precipitous labor.

No. I'm not doing it.

Gloria, listen to me. She said no, Sam.

She can't breathe. She'll die if we don't do something.

Give her another dose of diuretics.

She's maxed out. Put her on a pump.

Jake, she is a year and a half post-transplant.

She's been doing fine.

I'm not just gonna throw darts at a board.

I have to figure out why she's rejecting her heart now.

I know.

I'm sorry.

But I stopped taking my immunosuppressant drugs

when I got pregnant.

Why would you do that?

They could hurt the baby.

You shouldn't have done that.

Shouldn't have done that on your own.

Her water broke.

We gotta get her into Labor and Delivery now.

Move back there.

Baby's coming too fast.

Gloria, I need you to stop pushing.

I can't. Try to slow your breathing.

It hurts.

Gloria. You breathe with me.

Breathe with me.

Her pressure's dropping.

Hurry up, Addison.

What's going on? I'm losing her pulse.

Get ready to bag her. I'm on it.

Get that baby out of there.

Head's out.

Anesthesia.

Thoracotomy tray.

You're gonna crack open her chest?

I have no choice.

Towel and cord clamp.

What do you need?

Sternal saw.

It's coming.

All right. Spreader.

Addison, we're running out of time.

Got her. Scissors.

I can crank her open.

Do it.

Damn it. What's going on?

Dissected her aorta. I need a cross-clamp.

Call Perfusion for bypass.

She's in fib.

We're losing her.

Almost there.

Just give me a second.

Erica.

Erica.

It's Dr. Shepherd. Can you hear me?

Mm. Hurts.

We'll get you something for the pain.

Can you wiggle your toes for me?

And your fingers? Both hands?

Good. All right.

We got the whole tumor. All of it.

I lived? I'm alive?

If this is heaven, sister, I want my money back.

Ow. Hurt.

Pain medicine will kick in in a second.

Erica, Mason's looking through the window.

No. Don't raise your head.

Just wave. You can do it.

Lift your hand. Wave.

Perfect.

I'm alive.

We did that.

We did that. We gotta publish.

Oh, hell, yeah, we do.

If you ever think about doing drugs again--

Remember this? I was gonna say call me.

I'll fly down to Los Angeles and knock some sense into you.

But, okay, remember this. That doesn't work.

Yeah, you can totally kick my ass.

Done.

I love you.

She's so small,

but she's perfect.

Got ten little fingers and ten little toes.

And her face looks

just like you did when you were younger.

It's not a boy though,

so I guess we can't use the name Thomas.

We never really talked about girls' names.

We should've talked about girls' names.

She's gonna need something strong.

Like her mom.

We should've talked about girls' names.

We should've.

What are you thinking about?

Nothing.

Come on.

Um...

Well, I actually was thinking

about how bizarre my life is.

I live in a hotel.

I...

Uh...

I'm having S-E-X with a 29-year-old.

And I had I-N-T-E-R-C-O-U-R-S-E in an elevator.

I know you did. With an S-L-U-T.

Yeah. These bars, these women, it's not--

They're not...

You ever think a year ago, we'd be--

Talking about having sex with other people?

No.

Who are we? I don't know.

I love medicine!

Seriously, I do.

The whole medical field. I'm in love with it.

I would marry it if I wasn't already married to you.

Well, I'm glad I got to you first.

Thank you.

And thank you.

I mean, you did not sign up for this.

I love him.

Mason.

I didn't think I could.

I mean, I didn't think I would, but...

When I thought his mama might die...

I love him.

And I think it's--

I think it's because I love you so damn much.

I love you, Cooper.

So damn much. I love you.

I like you.

You make me feel...

You have reminded me that I can laugh

and smile

and be fun

and not think about anything but being close to you.

And that is

so, so nice.

I don't want more.

I don't have more.

So it's either incredible,

unattached,

mind-numbing sex or nothing.

I'll take it.

Tell me something.

Am I reading too much into

all of this?

Into...? You and me.

The grocery store, Fiji, Palm Springs.

Am I reading too much into that?

Was it purely physical

or is it--?

Is there something emotional here?

For me? Yeah.

For you.

It's not just physical.

Okay.

I figured...

I thought that you left because of me.

That time when I told Mom

that I didn't want a party for my birthday

because I didn't want you to ruin it

just like everything else.

I turned around

and you were standing there and I know that you heard me.

And a week later, you were gone.

I didn't leave because of you, Sam.

I left because I was sick.

You didn't cause this.

You didn't make this happen.

And you'd think that that would be a depressing thought.

That there's no end to all of the...

I don't know. That it doesn't get easier,

that it just gets different.

But it's not. It is not.

It's the opposite of depressing. There's a relief in it.

Life is complex. There's nothing simple or easy about it.

So I can stop waiting for it to--

I can stop waiting.

And I can just

live.