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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,848 (SINGER VOCALIZING) 2 00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,486 (SINGING) The stakes are high 3 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,606 And the world hangs in the balance 4 00:00:58,760 --> 00:00:59,966 He's a man 5 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,005 And, oh, what a man Of many talents 6 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:14,080 If the sky starts to fall There's no one bigger 7 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:20,168 With his finger on the trigger 8 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,042 He's the man with the plan 9 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,401 The one with the gun Kevin 10 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,609 Nothing can stop him 11 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,684 The spy in disguise 12 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,842 With his eye on the prize Hart 13 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,686 He's taking over the world 14 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,001 Agent Five-Four 15 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,811 Stronger than Thor Kevin 16 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,769 Kevin fears nothing Hart 17 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,683 With a license to kill 18 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,888 And jokes that are ill Kevin 19 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,607 He's taking over the world 20 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,490 Come through, Kevin 21 00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:51,881 Kevin 22 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,605 He's the one that you call 23 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,251 If your back's at the wall Hart 24 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,727 Agent Five-Four Kevin 25 00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,291 The guy that prevails 26 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,601 On a whole global scale Kevin 27 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,523 He's taking over the world Kevin Hart 28 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,364 (SINGER LAUGHING) 29 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,764 SINGER: (SCREAMING) Kevin! 30 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:37,841 You're late. 31 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,684 Better late than never. 32 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:44,760 Do you have the package? 33 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,765 Of course, I have the package, Kevin. 34 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,251 Don't I always have the package? 35 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,321 No, you don't. 36 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,044 Which is why I'm asking you, "Do you have the package?" 37 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,360 When was the last time I didn't have the package? 38 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,601 You didn't have the package in Guam. 39 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:55,727 Guam? Yes, Guam. 40 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:56,847 Why you gonna bring up Guam? 41 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,524 I'm answering a question that you asked me. 42 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,001 What are you talking about? You just... (VOCALIZING) What are you saying? 43 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,809 You didn't have the package in Guam, which is why I asked you, 44 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,206 "Did you have the package?" Yes, I got the package. 45 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,930 So if you had said that when I first asked you, 46 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,240 then we wouldn't even be having this conversation. 47 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,367 Guam is over. 48 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,601 I know! I'm not thinking about Guam! 49 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,444 We at another place, another time. Let's go. 50 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:12,521 All you ever talk about is Guam. 51 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:13,726 Don't storm past me! Fuck Guam. 52 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,406 Same shit you did in Guam! Guam all over again! 53 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:17,527 Okay, listen. 54 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:18,931 You walking away is not gonna change 55 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,206 the point that I'm trying to make. 56 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,009 Okay, I forgot something one time! Just one time! 57 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,764 Okay, so did you forget it? One time. 58 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,365 Okay, so that validates what I'm saying... MAN: Mr. Hart. 59 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,329 (CLEARS THROAT) Do you have your buy-in money? 60 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,811 Of course. Here it is. 61 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:30,566 Thank you. 62 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:31,801 Let's cut the shit. 63 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,769 Put your game face on, 'cause there's our guy. 64 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,930 Girl, if you don't grab my arm... 65 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,490 Grab my arm. 66 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,809 (PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC) 67 00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,049 Good evening. How are you? 68 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,687 And you must be LeBron's little replacement. 69 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,841 Yes? 70 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,082 Welcome to the game, Mr... 71 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,525 Hart. 72 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,080 The name is Kevin Hart. 73 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,004 Or maybe it's Mr. Bond, huh? 74 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,411 It's a little confusing. He's so little. 75 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:03,970 What? What? What'd he say? 76 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,371 Okay, Kevin. Kevin. What did you say? 77 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,204 Don't let him get you off your game. Okay? 78 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,045 Come on now. Good luck. 79 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,090 Luck is for people who are inadequate... 80 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,730 Okay, Kevin, not now. 81 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,290 Okay. Right. Not now. 82 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,526 Go do it. 83 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,810 Whiskey, please. 84 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,721 Coming right up. 85 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,841 (CLEARS THROAT) 86 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,646 There you are. 87 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,371 I only ordered one. 88 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,521 Oh, I know. 89 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:44,721 (SLURPS) 90 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,081 (EXHALES) 91 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,208 (IN STRONG FRENCH ACCENT) The game is no-limit poker. 92 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,851 Five communal cards. Two in the hole. 93 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,161 I'm sorry, what? Two cards in the hole. 94 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,004 No, nothing's going in my hole. 95 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,206 I don't know what game this is, 96 00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,281 but we're not gonna play it today. 97 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,971 No, sir. What I'm going to do, I'm going to put out five cards 98 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,849 and then I will later pull out two more. 99 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,331 Oh! Oh. 100 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,640 Okay, well, talk slower. 101 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,610 Minimum stake is $1 million. 102 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,570 Lines begin at $5,000 and $10,000. 103 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,802 This game is winner take all. 104 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,611 There are no prizes for second place. 105 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:18,761 Good luck to you all. 106 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,964 It's a shame you gotta drink alone tonight. 107 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,491 I said, it's a shame you gotta drink alone tonight. 108 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:28,686 I heard you. 109 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,330 I bet $50,000. 110 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,330 I fold. 111 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,091 $50,000 to you, Mr. Hart. 112 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:36,967 $100,000. 113 00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,528 $100,000? You serious? You haven't even looked at your cards. 114 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,329 I don't need to look at my cards. 115 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,686 I see right through you, and you know what I see? 116 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,762 I see someone who doesn't have shit. 117 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,526 What does he have that I don't have? 118 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:50,927 Everything. 119 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,087 Look at him. He's super intelligent. 120 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,049 What are these? Five. 121 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,770 Five? Okay, so let me count this out. 122 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,888 Five, 10. What are the black? 123 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,361 You don't need black. You have these big blue ones. 124 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:03,726 He's charming. 125 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,846 Why wouldn't you use two blue ones? 126 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,604 I don't understand, it's the same. 127 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,609 For some reason, I thought that me and him were in a hand. 128 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,721 You little sawed-off... 129 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,131 He's charismatic. 130 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,164 Fuck, you all took my iPhone when I came in. 131 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,561 You don't have to do math. Just put another blue one on top of them. 132 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:17,687 I gotta start over. 133 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,285 Every time you all talk to me, I gotta start over again. 134 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,120 You know what? 135 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,329 I see your point. I see your point. 136 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,085 And everything on him isn't small. 137 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,970 (SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) 138 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,844 Sir, if you wanna talk to me, I'm right here. 139 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,490 "How did this idiot get in here," you say? 140 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,331 (SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) 141 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,009 (SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN) 142 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,487 Enough! 143 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,801 What the fuck was that? Is that your mouth? 144 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,441 Oh, my God, you just threw a bucket of shit at my face just now. 145 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,329 I smelled that. Nobody else smelled that? 146 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,528 Well, it smelled like you just threw shit at my nose, 147 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,761 that's what it smelled like. 148 00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:11,921 Baby, baby. Yes? 149 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,241 You look thirsty. What can I get you to drink, baby? 150 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,687 You know what? I'll take a martini. Shaken, not stirred. 151 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,922 If I could have three ice cubes, shave the last, 152 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,769 put Tabasco sauce on top, but just a little bit... 153 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,002 Okay, I ain't gonna remember all that shit. Now what you want? 154 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,286 Whatever. Whatever you are gonna be getting. 155 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,407 Okay. 156 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,084 Okay? Got it? Okay. 157 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,571 Tell him, don't put it in a sippy cup. 158 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,602 One Kevin Hartini coming right up. 159 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,606 No, just give him a beer. 160 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,330 WOMAN: Here you are, Mr. Hart. 161 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,201 KEVIN: Thank you. 162 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,201 (CHUCKLES) 163 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,161 Hey, Kev? 164 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,402 It's on you. So like, bet, check, fold... 165 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,209 Well aware of the poker rules, Mr. Cheadle. 166 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,446 You should fucking do something. 167 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:51,567 Can I have a second, please? 168 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,051 Go ahead. 169 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,166 Where's it at? Who's it on? 170 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,323 It's on you. So you can check, bet, or fold. 171 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,050 Pick one and fucking do it. 172 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,326 I see what's going on here. 173 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,051 Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to a case of 174 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,884 "I don't have enough money to call a bet." 175 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,405 (CHUCKLES) I can afford the next hand. 176 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,970 Obviously, I'm sitting here with chips. 177 00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,326 She got money, this motherfucker got money. 178 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,447 Everybody got money, Kevin. 179 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,170 It's that you're irritating the fuck out of me 180 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,366 'cause you're not doing anything. 181 00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,204 What happened, Don? 182 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,322 Daddy's tank ran dry? What are you talking about? 183 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,971 Chickens ain't clucking? Cows ain't mooing? 184 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,405 Have you lost your fucking mind, Kevin? 185 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,649 Oh, I know what it is. There's been a vacancy at Hotel Rwanda. 186 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,006 Ain't nobody booking them suites. 187 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,411 Are you talking about a movie now, Kevin? 188 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,481 KEVIN: You know what you're mad at? 189 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,325 'Cause you looked at your hand and there's nothing but a House of Lies. 190 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,283 You're referring to the show? That was a good one. 191 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,647 No, most people say House of Cards and they mean House of Lies. 192 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,161 I didn't. No, you did that good. Now fucking bet! 193 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,646 (WHINING CHILDISHLY) 194 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:45,162 "My name's Don Cheadle and I'm mad because I'm not Iron Man. 195 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,169 "I'm the black Iron Man, and I'm rusty." Stop talking, man. 196 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,083 "I squeak when I go." Take it easy. 197 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,366 (SQUEAKING) 198 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,170 All right, you're not making fucking sense, Kevin, 199 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,287 and I'ma punch you in the face. 200 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,521 I'ma make all of that bleed 201 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,807 if you don't goddamn well do something right now! 202 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,769 Do something! Raise. 203 00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,043 Whoa! No, no, no, I didn't raise. 204 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,361 That was obvious, I made a mistake. Don't! 205 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,687 Hey, you cannot touch this pot, sir. I'm fucking touching the pot! 206 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,444 These are my chips! Are you motherfuckers in cahoots? 207 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:08,601 KEVIN: I call. I call that. 208 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,085 Oh, you call that? You know what I call? I call that. 209 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,525 You know what I call? (SCREAMS) 210 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,800 What you doing? Grab him! 211 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,450 Okay! Okay! 212 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,723 I'm gonna kill you, Kevin! Get your ass up outta here. 213 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,881 Get up outta here! 214 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,371 I'll see you in the parking lot, Kevin! 215 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,091 You motherfucker! I'ma kill you! I hate you! 216 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,161 (SLURPING) 217 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,886 (SNORTS) 218 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,446 Raise. $2 million. 219 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:34,881 Whoa. 220 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,490 (WHISPERING LOUDLY) Go all in! 221 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,162 I'm all in. All of it. (CLICKING TONGUE) 222 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,081 DEALER: All in. 223 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,646 Call. 224 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,722 This hand is gettin' kind of crazy. 225 00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,211 DEALER: Show your hand, please. 226 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,443 Ouch. DEALER: Full house. Aces for kings. 227 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:55,521 God. 228 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,250 That's over $5 million. 229 00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,209 Mr. Hart. 230 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,129 I didn't know he had that. Hmm. 231 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:03,806 (KEVIN EXHALES) 232 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,045 Uh-oh. What's that? 233 00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,122 Ace to five. Straight flush. 234 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,804 "Straight flush." What is it? 235 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,087 Straight flush. "Straight flush." 236 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,207 Mr. Hart wins. 237 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,084 Whoo! Yes! 238 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,247 Uh-oh! 239 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:25,606 (GROWLS) 240 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,291 Chips! Chips, chips, chips! 241 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,725 DEALER: This all for you. 242 00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,523 One, two, three... 243 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,642 (CLEARS THROAT) Ninety-six, ninety-seven, ninety-eight... 244 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,091 Hey. 245 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,964 Where's the money at? I put it in the case. 246 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,485 In what case? In this case. 247 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,561 You put all that money in this case? 248 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:44,880 Why are you asking such dumb questions? 249 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,166 Yes, I put the money in the case! 250 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,481 Oh, so now you can turn into David fucking Copperfield! 251 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,130 Tell me... Woman! 252 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,603 You act like the money couldn't have fell off the table. 253 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,170 That's possible. Mr. Hart? 254 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,044 Ah! You must think that you're a very funny guy, huh? 255 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,801 You have to think that you're the funniest man in America 256 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,211 to even think about pulling off 257 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,169 what you're trying to pull off today. Hmm? 258 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,690 That you're doing what nobody else out there is doing, huh? 259 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,370 (LAUGHS) You have to think that you have the entire world by the balls. 260 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,566 Hmm? This what you think? 261 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,806 You insult me. 262 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,843 But I'm going to give you one chance to get out of here alive. 263 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:26,967 Without the money. 264 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:32,607 Then I don't ever want to see that little shit face of yours ever again. 265 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,442 Now, hand over the case. 266 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:36,681 Mmm-mmm. 267 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,601 I'm not giving you my money. 268 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,001 This is gonna pay for my global tour. (SCOFFS) 269 00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,651 Eighteen seconds. 270 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,768 Eighteen seconds, but I could shave three seconds off, 271 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,046 gets me 15 seconds. 272 00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,884 Minus the two, that puts me at 13. 273 00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,088 Thirteen plus four puts me back at 17. 274 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,650 Seventeen plus one puts me back at 18. 275 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,883 Eighteen minus four is 14. Fourteen minus two is 12. 276 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,411 Twelve times pi? 277 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,484 Fuck! What is 12 times pi? Wait, pi? What is pi? 278 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,365 Uh, four? Okay, so we'll go with four. 279 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,050 (MUMBLING) 280 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,566 Forget it. Forget pi, forget pi. 281 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,687 Just do the 14 minus two. 282 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,091 Fourteen minus two puts me back at 12. 283 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,241 12 seconds. 284 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,810 That's what it's gonna take. 285 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,161 (GRUNTING) 286 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:40,561 (GROANS) 287 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,846 (GRUNTING) 288 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:49,641 (GROANS) (YELLS) 289 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,686 (YELLS) 290 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,081 (BLOOD SPLATTERING) 291 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,691 Are you fucking kidding me? 292 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,086 (YAWNS) 293 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,325 (BOTH GRUNTING) 294 00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,127 (GROANING) 295 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,521 What the fuck? Damn it! 296 00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,324 He's a bleeder! 297 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,401 Shit! 298 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,241 Fuck! Shit! (GRUNTS) 299 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,324 (EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) 300 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,001 (SOBS) 301 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,241 (GASPS) 302 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:40,966 What the fuck was you doing? 303 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,441 Huh? 304 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,971 Ain't shit on you, your dress ain't messed up, hair all nice. 305 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,041 You wanna explain yourself? 306 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,408 Kevin, I'm Halle Berry. I don't get messed up. 307 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:51,766 Let's go. 308 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,683 That's a bunch of Halle bullshit! 309 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,808 Could've gotten me a napkin or something! 310 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,201 (BEEPS) 311 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,569 I didn't even start the watch! Goddamn it, Kevin! 312 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:04,680 I can't just walk around like this. 313 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,410 This means I'm gonna be late. You know that, don't you? 314 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,641 I'ma get you some clothes. 315 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,006 Will you stop? Stop! What? 316 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,491 Look at me! I'm covered in fucking blood! 317 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:11,686 I see that, Kevin. 318 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,127 But nobody around here notices that, so just walk normal. 319 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,440 What it is, baby? 320 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,329 What the hell happened to you, man? 321 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,687 I love you, too. Nigga, you look dead! 322 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,728 See? I'm saying people already notice this shit. 323 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,888 Yo, you on your period, my man? 324 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,564 Ain't every man? What? 325 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,244 Halle, you gotta get me some damn clothes! 326 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:33,361 (CLEARS THROAT) 327 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:36,884 What took you so long? 328 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,041 What kind of question is that? 329 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,121 What do you mean, what took me so long? 330 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,202 I was getting the blood off of me. What were you doing? 331 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,770 I thought you was gonna be long. 332 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,768 Why would you think I would be long? Because you're a woman. 333 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,008 Women take long. Everyone knows that. (SCOFFS) 334 00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,650 How about, "Kevin, you look nice"? 335 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,927 How about, "I see what you did with the time"? 336 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,768 You don't feel like a compliment is necessary? 337 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,968 That's your problem. Like, why you got an attitude? 338 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,443 I just gotta get my mind right. So much stuff happened today. 339 00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:59,760 Just calm down. I know. 340 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,171 Hey, thank you. 341 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,121 Shit! 342 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,166 (PEOPLE CLAMORING) 343 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,646 Close your mouth, Kevin. Let's go. 344 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:12,841 Oh! 345 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,960 Where the fuck you get a gun from? 346 00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,565 Kevin, we love you! Yay! 347 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,369 (SCANNER BEEPING) 348 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,608 Kevin, you the man! 349 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,523 Kevin Hart, we love you, man! 350 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,400 Shit. 351 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:31,567 (AUDIENCE CLAMORING) 352 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,165 You hear that? I do. 353 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:35,726 Shit. 354 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,801 What now? 355 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,291 What now is I do my job. 356 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,600 Okay. 357 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:40,966 Be careful. 358 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,201 KEVIN: Wait a minute. 359 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,123 Is Halle Berry giving me the look? 360 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,281 Okay, listen up, people. 361 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,850 If you think I'ma have Halle Berry in my movie 362 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:47,967 and I'm not gonna kiss her, 363 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,371 you got another thing coming. 364 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,010 That's goddamn Halle Berry! 365 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,525 She about to get a berry blast of these lips, 366 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,647 I'll tell you that. 367 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,721 (SMACKS LIPS) 368 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,850 Well, now that I know what we both want, I'll stop wasting time. 369 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:00,721 Oh! Mmm! 370 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,160 What are you doing? You know what I'm doing. 371 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,089 I'm about to kiss you. Nobody said anything about a kiss. 372 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,646 Just do a little one. I'm not kissing you, Kevin. Come on. 373 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,051 Do this. Okay. 374 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,845 No. With your lips. 375 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:12,881 Fine, forget it. 376 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,405 Hey, Tim? TIM: Yeah, Kev? 377 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,801 Let's just take it from the top. TIM: Good idea. 378 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,166 Ready? I'm ready. 379 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,208 TIM: And action. Be careful. 380 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,850 No, you be careful. 381 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,321 Because being careful is what I'm most careful at. 382 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,606 I do it very carefully. 383 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,489 What the fuck did you just say? 384 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,403 Goddamn it, just... Shit! 385 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,327 Fuck me! 386 00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,843 Don't worry about me. 387 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,686 You hear me? 388 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,410 Are you sure you don't want to kiss? Kevin... 389 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,527 Shh. 390 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,405 Ew. Okay? 391 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,803 All right, boy, let's cut the shit. 392 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,008 Let's do what you do best. Let's go make these people laugh. 393 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,010 It's showtime! 394 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,291 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 395 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,922 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 396 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,290 Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! 397 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,488 (CHEERING INTENSIFIES) 398 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,971 No. 399 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,644 That's not good enough for me. 400 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,849 Goddamn it, we sold a football stadium out tonight. 401 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,485 So I need to hear that! 402 00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,045 I need to hear that! 403 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,403 So I'ma ask my city one more time... 404 00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,326 Philadelphia, make some fucking noise! 405 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,130 (CHEERING LOUDLY) 406 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:01,841 Yeah! 407 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,286 Yeah! 408 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:06,727 Yes! 409 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,287 Goddamn it, we about to get loose. 410 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,763 I can honestly say that the city of Philadelphia has my back. 411 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,842 Is it safe to say that, Philly? 412 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,602 It's safe to say that. 413 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,923 I think it's only right that I show Philadelphia that love back. 414 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,523 Can I see Philadelphia behind me? Can I do that, please? 415 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,170 Can I see my city behind me? 416 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,130 We about to have a good time tonight. 417 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,123 We love you, Kevin! 418 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,966 The name of this show is called What Now?, people. 419 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,963 The reason why I decided to call it What Now?, 420 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:42,283 is because that's the question that I get the most. 421 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,284 "Kevin, what the fuck are you gonna do now?" 422 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,931 I love that question because I always have an answer for it. 423 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,047 I'm alive. 424 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,681 I'm still experiencing shit, which still means I have stuff to talk about. 425 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,485 For example, people, I'm engaged. 426 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:55,846 I'm about to get married again soon. 427 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,046 Okay? (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 428 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,326 Yes. 429 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,801 I told my lady, I said, before we get married, we gotta move. 430 00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:02,881 I did tell her that. 431 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,407 It's not that I don't like where we live. I just don't like the area. 432 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,244 It's not the house, it's the area. 433 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,651 See, I don't wanna be in Hollywood, 434 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,370 staring at all the Hollywood shit. 435 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,601 So I moved out to the suburbs. 436 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,842 Fucked around, moved around a bunch of wildlife. 437 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,843 I don't like the animals around my house. 438 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,445 This is real shit right now. 439 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,285 Right now, I have a raccoon problem, people. 440 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,010 Not raccoons. 441 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,924 A raccoon. One raccoon. This raccoon's a bitch. 442 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,650 I can't stand this raccoon. 443 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,530 I got glass doors in the back of my house, right? 444 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:31,726 I'm sitting in the living room, 445 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,361 I can see into my backyard through the glass doors. 446 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,365 Outta nowhere, a raccoon walks up to the glass doors. 447 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,125 But not like a raccoon should, not on all fours. 448 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:43,765 Raccoon's on two feet. 449 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,320 Motherfucker walked up to the doors like this, swear to God. 450 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,845 This is real shit. 451 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,081 Scared the shit outta me. 452 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,889 It looked like a Nigga was walking in my backyard. 453 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,331 That's what it looked like. 454 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,209 I saw him, I said, "Oh, shit! 455 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,044 "Look at that goddamn raccoon right there!" 456 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,044 He saw me, I see him, we're looking at each other. 457 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:00,531 This is what scared the shit outta me. 458 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,728 To get a better look in my house, 459 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,882 he put his hand on the glass, 460 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,323 and started looking in the window. 461 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,925 I see him, he see me. 462 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,126 He starts fucking with the locks. 463 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:12,969 (GRUNTING) 464 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,248 When he couldn't get in, he got mad. He fake shot at me twice. 465 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,409 Bang, bang! 466 00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,084 Then he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. 467 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,286 This is a true story. 468 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,926 You gotta understand, people, I don't like raccoons. 469 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,571 I can't stand raccoons because I don't like the way they look. 470 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,086 They look like criminals. They got a black mask, gloves. 471 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,208 Everything about a raccoon says crime. 472 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,204 My lady gets home, I said, 473 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:37,361 "Babe, we gotta get the fuck out this house. 474 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,488 "A raccoon came up to the glass doors, 475 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,166 "put his hand on the glass, saw me, shot at me twice. 476 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,241 "Bang, bang! 477 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,527 "Then he grabs his dick, disappeared into the dark." 478 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:47,971 My lady goes, 479 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,606 "What do you get out of lying so much? 480 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,602 "Like what does that do for you?" 481 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,489 I said, "Who the fuck is lying? 482 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,325 "Who makes up a lie about a raccoon come up to the window, 483 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,847 "going bang, bang, grabbing his dick, disappearing into the dark? 484 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:07,447 "Like, whose life is that bad that they gotta sit at home all day, 485 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,124 "and make some shit like that up?" 486 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,330 She said, "Obviously you, because you're lying, Kevin. 487 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,731 "You know how I know you lying? 488 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:17,088 "'Cause a raccoon can't go, 'Bang, bang.' 489 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,845 "You know why? 'Cause a raccoon don't have no thumbs. 490 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,526 "So how can a raccoon go, 'Bang, bang'?" 491 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,202 "Bitch, maybe he did this. Maybe he just did this right here. 492 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,165 "What difference does it make? 493 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:34,165 "The point is that he grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. 494 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,129 "We got a dick-grabbing raccoon on the loose, 495 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,690 "you worried about his fucking thumbs. 496 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,129 "You need to get your priorities straight, that's what needs to happen." 497 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,521 I got a lot of animals out there, people. 498 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,206 Coyotes, mountain lions, rattlesnakes. 499 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,123 It's at the point now where I don't like taking out trash. 500 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,247 I'm being honest with you. 501 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,482 The reason I don't like taking out trash at my house 502 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,801 is 'cause to take out the trash, I gotta walk outside, 503 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,644 I gotta walk down my driveway. 504 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,643 Trash cans are at the end of my driveway. 505 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,485 My driveway is long as shit, people. 506 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:02,721 Okay? 507 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,766 It also gets real dark in my driveway. 508 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,491 Reason why it gets so dark in my driveway at nighttime 509 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,006 is because I turned down the option to get lights 510 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,606 going down the side of my driveway. 511 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,330 Reason why I turned down the option 512 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,925 is because I thought the contractors 513 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,240 were trying to take advantage of me 514 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,845 because they knew that I had money. 515 00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,207 I don't trust people that do this when they talk. 516 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,364 Like that's how you talk to me, like, 517 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,920 "Hey, man, you gotta get some lights. It gets real dark out here. 518 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,286 "You gotta get some lights." 519 00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:31,850 I don't need no fucking lights. 520 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,207 It's a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. 521 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,282 What the fuck I need lights for? 522 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,564 I was wrong, people. I need lights. 523 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,211 Can't see shit in this goddamn driveway. 524 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,290 You gotta understand, I don't like 525 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,010 being in the dark, hearing animal noises, 526 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,923 especially when I can't see the animal. 527 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,206 It fucks with me. 528 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,250 When you're by yourself and you get scared, you do stupid shit. 529 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,321 When you hear this... 530 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,805 (CHITTERING) 531 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:57,770 (HISSING) 532 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,802 You do stupid shit when you get scared. 533 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,446 (SCREAMS) 534 00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,806 "You bite me, I'll bite you back, bitch!" 535 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,362 You start doing shit you saw in the movies. 536 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,568 "What are you waiting for?" 537 00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,928 It got to the point where I start grabbing the trash, 538 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,281 running down the driveway, throwing the trash in the trash can, 539 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,805 running back to the house. 540 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,570 One day I locked myself out of the house. 541 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,847 Scariest 17 seconds of my life, people. 542 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,649 "Open up the door!" 543 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:30,961 (SCREAMS) 544 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,168 (CRYING) 545 00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,967 What is this when you get scared? 546 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,810 (CRYING) 547 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:42,567 Whenever you're afraid, 548 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,608 the first person you see is fully responsible 549 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,330 for whatever you were afraid of. 550 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,364 "Bitch, where the fuck was you at all that time I was outside? 551 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,162 "Some shit licked my neck, I'm out here calling you. 552 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,129 "You in here cooking, that's your problem." 553 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,326 It got to the point where I told my lady, I said, 554 00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,846 "Yo, I'm not taking out trash anymore. I'm not gonna do it." 555 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,531 She said, "Well, I'm not gonna do it." I said, "You don't have to." 556 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,080 "It's not a woman's job, it's a man's job. 557 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,527 "I'ma make my son do it. 558 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,601 "He's seven years old. 559 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,449 "It's time for him to start pulling his weight around here. 560 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:14,567 "He don't do shit." 561 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,445 That's the beautiful thing about being a dad. 562 00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,130 You can do what you want when you want, 563 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,884 can't nobody say shit about it. 564 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,724 I woke my son up at 2:00 in the morning 565 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,484 with a complete bullshit story. 566 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,564 I kicked his bed. "Get your ass up! Get up! 567 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,166 "Didn't I tell you to get that goddamn trash out last night?" 568 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,123 First of all, that was a lie. I never said that. 569 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,366 Never said anything like that. 570 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:35,686 He woke up, he was confused. 571 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,762 "What? What? No. 572 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,251 "You never said that. What?" 573 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,561 "You calling me a liar? You telling me I'm lying? 574 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,120 "Get your ass up. Get that goddamn trash out." 575 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,010 Private schools are fucking my kids up. 576 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:51,608 My son, he said, "All right, all right. All right." 577 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,491 He goes, "Let me get my flops." 578 00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,601 What? 579 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,683 "Your flops? 580 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,845 "Boy, if you don't get your black/white ass down these goddamn steps, 581 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,163 "get this fucking trash, I'ma knock your head loose in here." 582 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,691 My son goes downstairs, he grabs the trash. 583 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,922 He's about to walk outside, he sees it's real dark. 584 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,800 He goes, "Dad, it's real dark outside. Can you come with me?" 585 00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,803 "No. No, I cannot. 586 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,001 "No. 587 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,651 "It's not my journey, son. This is your journey. 588 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,046 "It's about you becoming a man. 589 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,884 "You gotta do this by yourself." 590 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:40,045 My son grabs the trash, he's literally walking outside. 591 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,401 He goes down the driveway. 592 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,562 I could tell when he got scared, 'cause he stopped. 593 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,723 He started doing this shit right here. He started looking around. 594 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,731 When he looked at me, I said, "See, that's why I don't like doing that shit. 595 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,361 "Go, you're all right. Finish. Finish." 596 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,922 He put the trash in the trash can, starts walking back. 597 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,685 Outta nowhere, my son takes off running. 598 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,164 I mean, running, haul assing towards the house. 599 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,890 Running as fast as he can. 600 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:10,484 I got scared because I couldn't see what he was running from. 601 00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,650 I couldn't see it. 602 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,050 So I closed the door. I closed the door. 603 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,009 No, I did. I know it was wrong, but I did it. 604 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,490 I don't wanna lie. I shut the door. 605 00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,762 I told myself, depending on what it was, 606 00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,205 was gonna determine if I open up 607 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,009 the door or not when he got back. 608 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,445 If it was something crazy, I was just gonna put my hand on the glass. 609 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,488 I was gonna say, "Son, touch the glass one last time. 610 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,608 "I hate that it had to be this way." 611 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,130 My biggest fear in life is seeing somebody that I love 612 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,090 get attacked by an animal that I can't beat. 613 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,606 That's a fear. What do you do? 614 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,728 What do you do? 615 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,087 You look happy. Are you in love, man? 616 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,889 What do you do if you see your lady 617 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,247 running down the driveway as fast as she can? 618 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,721 Outta nowhere, the Tasmanian Devil jump out, 619 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,211 grab her face from the back? 620 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:02,966 You wanna know the answer to that question? 621 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,805 Not a goddamn thing, that's what the fuck you do. 622 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,043 That's the Tasmanian Devil. You ain't never seen no shit like that. 623 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,929 If you look outside and all you hear is... 624 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,883 (SNARLING) 625 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,962 You're not fucking going out there. 626 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,724 (SNARLING) 627 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:21,731 All you gonna do is react. 628 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,042 (SCREAMING) Oh! Oh! Oh! 629 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,402 "Get the fuck off of her! 630 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,005 "She had enough!" 631 00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,649 My lady got mad at me when I said that. She got pissed off. 632 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,210 She got pissed off. 633 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,170 She said, "So if I got attacked by an animal, 634 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,004 "you wouldn't come out there and help me?" 635 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,401 I said, "It depends on the animal. 636 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,962 "If it's a cat, I'll come out there and kick the cat. 637 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,520 "I'll kick the shit out of a cat. 638 00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,921 "But if it's a mountain lion, fuck no. I'm not going out there. 639 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,331 "Ain't no way in hell." 640 00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,761 She says, "So you would just let me die?" 641 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,291 "If that was God's plan. I'm not gonna... 642 00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,082 "I'm not gonna fuck with God's plan. 643 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,809 "Who am I to rewrite what God wrote? 644 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,689 "That's what God wrote next to your name. 645 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,161 "It said 'death by mountain lion attack.' 646 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,766 "Who the fuck am I to rewrite that?" 647 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:14,886 I'm being honest with you all. 648 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:16,564 You know the real reason why I wouldn't help my lady 649 00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,563 if she got attacked by a mountain lion? 650 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,244 I don't know if I wanna be with a woman 651 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:21,890 that survived a mountain lion attack. 652 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:22,961 I don't... 653 00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:24,724 I don't know if I'ma feel the same way about you 654 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,211 when you come out of that attack. 655 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,321 Like, what if he got you good? 656 00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,129 What if he bit your neck up? 657 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,089 Or if he bit your shoulder off? 658 00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:34,764 You ain't got no shoulder no more? 659 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:35,887 That's tough. 660 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:37,801 That's tough. 661 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,449 I can't be with no girl that don't have no shoulder. 662 00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,090 I can't. I'm sorry. 663 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,969 You can call me an asshole all you want. 664 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,008 I can't be with a girl that can't do this. 665 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,331 Mmm! If you can't do that... 666 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,244 If you can't shoulder shrug, bitch, I can't be with you. 667 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,804 You can't shoulder shrug, bitch? 668 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,001 Mmm! 669 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,930 You know how many times you shoulder shrug in a day? 670 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,684 You know how many times you shoulder shrug? 671 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,131 Look, you did it a little bit just now. 672 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,248 Little bit. Look at you. Little bit. 673 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,081 Ladies, let me tell you something. 674 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:09,366 You don't know how important 675 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,647 your shoulders are until you lose one of them. 676 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,768 Life will change without both shoulders, I promise you that. 677 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,241 I tell you what, you could kiss halter tops good-bye. 678 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:19,725 That's over. 679 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,682 Every shirt you put on gonna look like a goddamn toga outfit. 680 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:26,445 All that shit coming across the chest. 681 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,444 I don't wanna be with a toga bitch. I don't want her. 682 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,365 The girl that look like she won a pageant every day. 683 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:34,842 (LAUGHING) 684 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,690 You won every day? 685 00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,568 Oh! Here come Michelle. 686 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,201 Here come Miss America. 687 00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:50,925 I don't wanna be with her. 688 00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,287 I tell you what, 689 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,169 if you got one shoulder 690 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:58,289 and we get pulled over by the cops, we're going to jail. 691 00:29:58,400 --> 00:29:59,640 We're going to jail. 692 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,246 'Cause everything you do is gonna come off as sarcasm. 693 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:04,731 "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?" 694 00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:05,847 "No." 695 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,811 "Get the fuck out of the car. Right now! Get out the car! 696 00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:11,962 "You wanna be a smartass? You're going to jail." 697 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,129 "I'm not! I'm not! This is how it is. I'm stuck with this. 698 00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:16,247 "Don't do this, please." 699 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,329 Cop have a tough time grabbing you out the car. 700 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:22,289 "Get your ass out the goddamn..." 701 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,766 You can't be cold with one shoulder. 702 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,407 You can't shiver with one shoulder. 703 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,243 Ain't nobody gonna believe you. 704 00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:41,680 "What the fuck is wrong with you?" 705 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,525 "It's freezing in here." 706 00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:48,764 "No, bitch, you twitching. That's drugs. I know drugs when I see it." 707 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,090 "Get your high ass out of my goddamn house. 708 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:52,281 "You're high!" 709 00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,290 If you only got one shoulder, 710 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,966 the only game you'll be good at is a game of tag. 711 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:01,529 Can't nobody tag you. 712 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,244 You out there dipping everything. 713 00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:07,160 (GRUNTS) 714 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:09,481 "Shit!" 715 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:12,366 (GRUNTING) 716 00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,282 "I can't tag this bitch, man! 717 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:17,166 "She out here dipping everything." 718 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,844 "You gotta go for the shoulder side." 719 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,804 Ladies, I can feel you judging me. Stop judging me. I feel it. 720 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:28,002 "Kevin, you wrong. You wrong. 721 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,809 "That woman loved you. 722 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:33,441 "She was with you from the beginning. She held you down." 723 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,170 Let me tell you something, ladies. 724 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,164 You can't hold nobody down without two shoulders. 725 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,163 It's a scientific fact. 726 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:42,565 You need two shoulders. 727 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:45,720 I'll start it with you guys. 728 00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,729 I'll ask you a question. 729 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:49,604 Sweetie, do you think you're the type of woman that could 730 00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,121 stay with your man regardless of any freak accident? 731 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:53,326 Yeah? 732 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,801 You know why I love asking women that question? 733 00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,565 Because your answers are never realistic. 734 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,644 See, women answer questions with emotion. 735 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,768 Emotion made you say yes. 736 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:07,526 "Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!" 737 00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,409 That's emotion. 738 00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,084 You don't even know the fucking scenario. 739 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:13,406 You don't even know what happened. 740 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,649 So I'ma give you a scenario. 741 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,522 Let's say you and your man taking a walk. 742 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,125 Beautiful day outside. 743 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,565 You look at your man, you say, 744 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,962 "Babe, I love you more today than I did yesterday." 745 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:27,246 Out of nowhere, 746 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,041 an orangutan hops the fence, attacks your man. 747 00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:34,769 The orangutan takes his kneecaps. 748 00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:38,606 He can never do this again in life. 749 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,926 He is straight-legged for the rest of his life. 750 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:43,764 You can deal with this right here? 751 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,048 This ain't gonna fuck with you every day? 752 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,169 Every goddamn day, this ain't gonna fuck with you? 753 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:51,691 Looking at this? 754 00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:54,403 Butt-ass naked, going to the bathroom like this. 755 00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:56,244 This ain't gonna fuck with you? 756 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,448 You a goddamn liar. 757 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,285 One of those days, you're gonna fucking snap. 758 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,250 "If you don't go sit your straight-legged ass down... 759 00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,329 "Walking all straight all over the fucking house! 760 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,641 "Sit your no-knee-bending ass down!" 761 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,851 You're gonna get mad 'cause you still wanna do knee-bending shit. 762 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:21,241 "Hey, babe! Babe! We still going bowling on Tuesday?" 763 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,321 All your friends hate when you bring him 764 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,442 'cause he takes too long to bowl. 765 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:42,761 They get mad. 766 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,525 "I can't stand when she brings his ass! 767 00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,683 "He can never relax. He's so uptight!" 768 00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:49,727 You get mad. 769 00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,968 "I can't relax 'cause I ain't got no knees! 770 00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:53,610 "I got attacked by an orangutan!" 771 00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,931 Your black girlfriend'll be there. She'll never believe shit. 772 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:02,644 "An orangutan? Really?" 773 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:06,851 That's my "black girl don't believe shit" face. 774 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:10,129 "Orangutan? 775 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,408 "Really?" 776 00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,405 Why is that? 777 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,051 Why don't black women believe shit? What happened? 778 00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,449 What happened? 779 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:23,330 You can't convince a black woman of shit. 780 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,048 "Hey, babe. Babe, don't walk over there. 781 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,770 "It's real slippery right there." 782 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:31,208 "Slippery? 783 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,409 "Really?" 784 00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,086 She walk over there anyway, trips, falls, hits her head. 785 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,766 "Oh, my God, it's slippery over here. 786 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,323 "They need to put a sign up." 787 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,849 "Bitch, I just told you, it was fucking slippery over there." 788 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,682 "Did you tell me? 789 00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,047 "Really?" (AUDIENCE ECHOING) 790 00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,610 Could you still have sex with the guy that can't bend his knees? 791 00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:00,807 If he was aggressive about it? 792 00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:02,245 That's an honest question. 793 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,085 Could you have sex with a guy that can't bend his knees? 794 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,765 "Hey! Hey! 795 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,003 "Get over here and get some of this lock-knee dick." 796 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:24,731 "Don't run! Don't run! Don't run!" 797 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:26,405 (LAUGHS) 798 00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:31,043 It look like he be skiing on your ass, that's what it look like. 799 00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,566 When he cums, it looks like he jumped a big-ass ski ramp. 800 00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:39,286 Oh! 801 00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,371 Look at all the black women. 802 00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,966 "Ski ramp? 803 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,084 "Really?" 804 00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,442 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 805 00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:57,051 Oh! Stop it. Cut it out. 806 00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,122 Stop trying to make me feel tall. 807 00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:03,049 This is how I think, people. 808 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,043 I'm a drastic thinker. 809 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,326 I'm not worse than my lady, though. 810 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:10,689 My lady is the queen of hypothetical thoughts. 811 00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,166 You know what I feel like? 812 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:14,846 I feel like all women suffer from this disease. 813 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:16,524 Women love to ask men questions 814 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:18,648 about shit that would never happen. 815 00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:19,881 You love it. 816 00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,362 "Babe, babe, what would you do if... 817 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:28,769 "Babe, babe, hypothetically speaking, but not really, but if it did, 818 00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:30,444 "what could might be, huh?" 819 00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:32,605 You love it. 820 00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,045 True story right now. 821 00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,963 Me and my lady, we're on a boat. Right? 822 00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,328 We're on a boat. We hit a wave. 823 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,051 She go, "Oh, my God, babe, what if we would've hit that wave, 824 00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,566 "and I would've fell out the boat in the middle of the ocean, 825 00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:48,081 "and then a shark would've started swimming around me? 826 00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:49,286 "What would you do?" 827 00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:53,370 "I'ma get the camera and start taping. 828 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:54,766 "Some shit about to go down. I don't know." 829 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,402 "Stop being an asshole and answer the question!" 830 00:36:58,480 --> 00:36:59,686 "What do you mean, answer the question? 831 00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,445 "It's a shark." 832 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,729 Like, I don't know who she wants me to be in her head. 833 00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:09,089 Like, what Nigga is that tough that he sees a shark and goes, 834 00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,049 "I'm sick of this shark shit!" 835 00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,124 And jumps in the water to fight the shark? 836 00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:16,168 I'm not that guy. I don't have that muscle. 837 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,564 She said, "Well, what if the shark attacked me, 838 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,120 "but I got away, and I swam back to the boat?" 839 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,249 I said, "That would never happen. What kind of attack was this?" 840 00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:28,208 She said, "What do you mean?" "What do you mean, what do I mean?" 841 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,487 "What kind of attack was this? What did the shark get?" 842 00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:33,200 She said, "The shark bit off one leg, one arm." 843 00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:41,690 "The shark bit off one leg and one arm, and you swam back to the boat? 844 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,922 "That's what you're telling me? 845 00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,525 "Was it on the same side? 846 00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,284 "'Cause on the same side, you're just gonna go in a circle. 847 00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:50,761 "This is all you're gonna do right here, is one big-ass circle. 848 00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:52,126 "You ain't going no-fucking-where." 849 00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:55,802 "Stop being an asshole, Kevin, and answer the question." 850 00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:00,288 "I can't answer the question if you don't make the question make sense." 851 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,328 She said, "Fine. Alternate the sides. 852 00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:05,290 "He bit one leg on this side, one arm on this side." 853 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,691 I said, "So, what, you wanna know 854 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,285 "what I would say when you got back to the boat?" 855 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,169 She said, "Yeah. What would you say?" 856 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,722 "Well, who else is on the boat?" 857 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,882 She said, "It's just us. It's nobody else on the boat. Just us." 858 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:18,961 "Okay, let me get this straight. 859 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:20,690 "You get attacked by the shark, 860 00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:22,967 "shark bites off one leg, one arm, 861 00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,247 "you swim back to the boat, 862 00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:28,206 "you climb up on the boat, 863 00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,844 "you're standing in front of me on one leg, 864 00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,091 "it's nobody else on the boat, nobody else. 865 00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,168 "If it's nobody else on the boat, 866 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,727 "I'ma push you back in. I'ma push you back in. 867 00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:49,520 "Shark gotta finish that. He gotta finish that. I'm not going home with that. 868 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,841 "I didn't leave with that. Why do I have to go home with that? 869 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,843 "That's not what I left with. 870 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,322 "The shark gotta clean that plate. Clean that plate, Mr. Shark." 871 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,129 That's what my mom tell me, "Finish your food. 872 00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,850 "You better finish that fucking food." 873 00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:07,368 Y'all can think I'm an asshole all you want. This is how I think, man. 874 00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,807 I told you, I'm a drastic thinker. 875 00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,281 This is why I told my family we need to move. 876 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,522 I'm not the father for the environment that we live in. 877 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,204 I'm not. 878 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,089 Good thing about my family is we table everything. 879 00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:20,322 Everything is up for discussion. 880 00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,562 I told my son, I said, "Look. I told you I wanna move. 881 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,051 "Tell me why you wanna stay." 882 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,201 My son told me flat-out, 883 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,886 "Dad, I don't wanna move because I don't wanna leave my room." 884 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:29,041 I get it. 885 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:30,531 I went all out for my son's room. 886 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,921 My son used to be into Spider-Man, now he's into Batman. 887 00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,766 So I went out, I got his whole room painted as Gotham City. 888 00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,561 I put the bat symbol on the wall. His bed is the Batmobile. 889 00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:42,449 Batman is on the actual ceiling. 890 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,410 When my son first saw the room, he went off. 891 00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:47,602 (GROWLS) "Dad!" 892 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:48,921 (GROWLS) 893 00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:50,601 (CHUCKLES) 894 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,045 He was like, "I love it!" 895 00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:53,969 (GROWLS) 896 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,161 I told you all, private schools are fucking my kids up. 897 00:39:58,240 --> 00:39:59,480 They are. 898 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,484 My son has a lot of white friends. They got real long hair. 899 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,767 So my son gets excited, he does this shit. 900 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:06,930 Listen, listen to me. 901 00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:08,764 It makes me so mad. 902 00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:10,080 Do you understand me? 903 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,004 This shit makes me so fucking mad. 904 00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:15,651 The reason why is because his hair looks just like mine. 905 00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:17,085 It's just like mine. 906 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,321 So I'm like, "What are you doing?" 907 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:19,765 He was like, "I couldn't see you." 908 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:21,922 "Bitch, you see me. Don't... 909 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,764 "Don't do that. 910 00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,251 "You see me. I'm right here. 911 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,169 "Don't act like you can't see me." 912 00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:32,088 He was like, "I just wanna play." "Fine, go. Go play." 913 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:34,282 My son goes in his room, he plays all day. 914 00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:35,646 All day. 915 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:36,721 It's time for bed. 916 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,087 I say, "Go in there, brush your teeth, wash your face, get into bed. 917 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:40,286 "I'ma kiss you good night." 918 00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,567 My son gets into bed, I kiss my son good night, 919 00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:44,290 I cut out the lights, I walk out. 920 00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:47,011 When I walk out, I hear a bunch of screaming. 921 00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,924 "No! 922 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,731 "Don't do it, Batman, please!" What the fuck? 923 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:55,923 I go running back in the room. 924 00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:00,801 I run back in the room, this woman made Batman glow in the dark. 925 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:02,405 So Batman... 926 00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:04,366 Batman... (CHUCKLES) 927 00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:07,447 Batman looked like he was about to rape my son. 928 00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:09,443 He was just staring at my son. 929 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,768 Hey, I'm not gonna lie, I got scared. 930 00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,491 I said, "Get the fuck out of the bed! 931 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,168 "Get out the bed before he swoop down on your ass 932 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:19,971 "and I can't do nothing about it!" 933 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,560 I can't beat Batman. 934 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,601 My daughter said, "Dad, I don't wanna move because I love the space." 935 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,205 My daughter's favorite game to play at the house, 936 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:30,691 she loves to hide from people, 937 00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:33,406 wait for you to walk by, jump out and scare you. 938 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:34,561 (SCREAMS) 939 00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:37,284 This girl's patience is unbelievable. 940 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:38,850 I've never seen anything like it. 941 00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:41,161 Like, I've seen my daughter go hide, 942 00:41:41,240 --> 00:41:43,846 but then I forgot that she went to go hide. 943 00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,651 So, like, five, six hours go by. 944 00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,529 I finally walk by, she jumps out, 945 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:50,762 but she's too weak to scare me. 946 00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:52,371 (SCREAMS SOFTLY) 947 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:56,367 "What took you so long, Daddy? 948 00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,409 "I haven't eaten anything all day. 949 00:41:58,480 --> 00:41:59,970 "I'm so hungry. 950 00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:01,725 "My lips are dry, they're bleeding. 951 00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,848 "I need some water right now, I swear to God." 952 00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,042 My kids are characters, 953 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,441 but my kids are my best friends. 954 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,885 Honestly, they're my best friends. 955 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,928 I love the fact that me and my kids talk. 956 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,001 We communicate. 957 00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:16,161 Now, I'm not gonna lie. 958 00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:18,720 I'm not gonna act like it's all perfect, because it's not. 959 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:20,211 We butt heads. 960 00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,487 I recently got mad at my kids 961 00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:24,568 because I feel like my kids don't put a lot of thought 962 00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:25,801 into the gifts that they give me. 963 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:27,484 This shit pisses me off. 964 00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:28,561 I'm serious, they're making me mad. 965 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:30,005 I go all out for my kids. 966 00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:31,570 So I feel like when it's time to do something for me, 967 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:33,847 put the same time, energy and effort into it 968 00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:35,490 that I do when I do shit for you. 969 00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:36,721 This is what made me mad. 970 00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:39,929 For my birthday, my son gave me a handprint. 971 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,527 This boy dipped his hand in paint, put it on a piece of paper, 972 00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:45,762 said, "Happy birthday, Dad. Love, Hendrix." 973 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:47,080 Came home excited. 974 00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,322 "Dad, I got you something for your birthday. 975 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,129 "You're gonna love it. Close your eyes." 976 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:52,486 I close my eyes. 977 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,324 I'm emotional, I start crying. 978 00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:55,481 "Boy, don't do this to me. 979 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:56,891 "Don't do this. 980 00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:57,961 "Not today. 981 00:42:58,040 --> 00:42:59,610 "Don't do it today. What is it?" 982 00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:01,404 He said, "Open your eyes. 983 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,721 "Happy birthday, Dad. I did this because I love you." 984 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:06,326 I looked at it, I said, "I'm gonna be honest with you, son. 985 00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:07,811 "I don't really feel like you do. 986 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,248 "I don't think this is a good representation of your level of love for me. 987 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:12,446 "This is a shitty gift. 988 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:14,488 "It's a fucked-up gift." 989 00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:15,971 Out of the corner of my eye, 990 00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:20,489 I saw my daughter pushing a macaroni plate back down into her book bag. 991 00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:22,561 I saw her. 992 00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:24,847 I said, "What the fuck is that?" She looked me in the eye. 993 00:43:24,920 --> 00:43:27,161 "Mmm, trying to figure it out. I don't know yet. 994 00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:29,049 "I don't know what I want it to be." 995 00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,770 Now, I'm not gonna lie to y'all and say 996 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:31,966 I didn't hold a grudge, because I did. 997 00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:33,849 I held a grudge. 998 00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,322 I held a grudge all the way up until my son's birthday. 999 00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:39,607 My son's birthday came, he woke up, he was hyped. 1000 00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:41,609 "Dad! You know what today is?" 1001 00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:43,245 "I sure do, son, it's your birthday. 1002 00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,049 "We gonna turn up like we always do." 1003 00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:46,929 My son goes to school, gets home. 1004 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:48,843 When he gets home, I got a bunch of presents 1005 00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,844 wrapped up in boxes laid all out on the bed. 1006 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,081 He opens 'em up. 1007 00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:57,961 I had 57 handprints in all the boxes. 1008 00:43:58,560 --> 00:43:59,846 He saw it, he starts crying. 1009 00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:01,649 He was like, "What is this?" 1010 00:44:01,720 --> 00:44:04,485 I said, "Those are high fives. 1011 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:05,800 "I got you high fives." 1012 00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,928 He said, "But I didn't ask for these." 1013 00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,486 I said, "Neither did I." 1014 00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:14,202 You selfish son of a bitch. 1015 00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:16,331 You better be lucky I didn't take a picture 1016 00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,811 of my ass and put it in that box, 1017 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,531 tell you to kiss my fucking ass, that's what I should've did. 1018 00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:23,481 "I should've let Batman rape you." I said that. 1019 00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:24,971 Swear to God, I said that. 1020 00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:26,963 I know it's wrong, but I said it. 1021 00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:30,849 When I really wanna piss my kids off, 1022 00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:33,526 I let my dad spend time with them. 1023 00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:35,011 That's how I really get to them. 1024 00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:36,047 Here's the thing. 1025 00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,600 My kids love their grandpop, they really do. 1026 00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,170 They just don't like to be with him for too long 1027 00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:42,203 'cause my dad is too loud. 1028 00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:45,284 It's like the older you get, the louder you get. 1029 00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:46,691 This isn't even a joke. 1030 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:48,728 This is how my dad walks in my house. 1031 00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,290 This is his entrance. 1032 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,201 "Where the babies at? 1033 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:55,727 "Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!" 1034 00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:58,521 That's his entrance. 1035 00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:00,682 It's at the point now where I can't even 1036 00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:02,928 let my dad watch my kids by himself. 1037 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:06,402 I gotta watch my dad while he watches my kids. 1038 00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:07,766 'Cause he does too many stupid things. 1039 00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:10,730 I caught my dad giving my kids raw candy out of his pocket. 1040 00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:12,040 Candy with no wrapper. 1041 00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:13,087 It was loose. 1042 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:14,207 It was just in his pocket. 1043 00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,601 He said, "Huh, huh, y'all want one of these?" 1044 00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,603 "What the fuck is that? What are they?" 1045 00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,366 He said, "Peppermints." "Ain't no goddamn peppermint. 1046 00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,250 "Where the lines at on that peppermint?" 1047 00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,368 He said, "My jeans must have rubbed it off." "Nigga! 1048 00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:31,330 "You're not about to give my kids no jean-dyed peppermint!" 1049 00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:33,766 "Fine, more for me." 1050 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,207 Takes the peppermint out of his pocket, puts it in his mouth. 1051 00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:38,089 Five minutes go by, I saw my dad take 1052 00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:39,685 that peppermint out of his mouth, 1053 00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:41,125 put it back in his pocket. 1054 00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:44,090 Those were half-sucked on peppermints! 1055 00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:47,886 He's not gonna give my kids no goddamn suck-and-saves. 1056 00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:49,530 That's a suck-and-save! 1057 00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:51,491 That's an old people trick. 1058 00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:53,967 Old people love to suck on candy and save it. 1059 00:45:54,040 --> 00:45:55,724 "I'ma save this till after church." 1060 00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,201 "Nana, eat that fucking candy! 1061 00:45:58,280 --> 00:45:59,964 "Little piece of candy left, Grandma. 1062 00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:01,690 "Eat that fucking candy!" 1063 00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:03,410 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1064 00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:04,641 My dad is a character. 1065 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,206 The shit that I'm telling you, you can't make up. 1066 00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:11,285 I bought my dad an iPhone 6 for his birthday. 1067 00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:13,203 I've never seen my dad use the phone. 1068 00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:14,281 Never. 1069 00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:16,886 He comes downstairs one day, he goes, "Hey! 1070 00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:18,889 "I wanna take the kids to go get some pizza." 1071 00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:20,166 I said, "First of all, you're not going anywhere 1072 00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:21,605 "with my kids by yourself. 1073 00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:23,569 "We can go as a group." 1074 00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:25,449 I said, "Where you wanna go?" This is true shit. 1075 00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,124 You cannot make this up. 1076 00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,168 My dad takes his phone out of his back pocket, 1077 00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:30,651 this is what I hear, 1078 00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:35,122 "Cyrus, where is the closest pizza spot?" 1079 00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:42,691 "What did you just say?" 1080 00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:45,047 (SHUSHING) "Cyrus, where you at? 1081 00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:46,121 "Talk to me. 1082 00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:48,208 "Looking for a pizza spot. Wake up. 1083 00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:49,770 "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up." 1084 00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:51,251 He starts shaking the phone. 1085 00:46:51,320 --> 00:46:53,926 "Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up." 1086 00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:57,123 My dad thinks there's a Nigga living in the phone! 1087 00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:01,771 "It's 'Siri', you dumb bitch! 1088 00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:02,961 "'Siri'! 1089 00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:05,562 "Not goddamn Cyrus." 1090 00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:10,449 He's a character. 1091 00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:12,249 I love him, though. 1092 00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:14,322 Hates the fact that I don't whup my kids. 1093 00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:15,765 Hates it. 1094 00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,081 My dad is old school, old generation. 1095 00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:21,164 Old generation believes in whupping the kid's ass. 1096 00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:22,526 That's all they believe in. 1097 00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:24,807 It's not that I don't. It's not that I don't. 1098 00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:26,405 I don't want y'all to think that I don't. 1099 00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:29,086 I just don't feel like I need to whup my kid's ass. 1100 00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,009 My voice is enough. 1101 00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:33,481 "Shut the fuck up!" That's enough. 1102 00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,721 Private school kids, they get scared fast. 1103 00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:38,285 (SCREAMING) 1104 00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,684 "Dad's going crazy again! 1105 00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:48,485 "Let's go to our secret spot!" Private school kids. 1106 00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:51,765 I'm not gonna lie to y'all. 1107 00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:54,889 It does piss me off that my kids don't have any edge. 1108 00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:56,689 I want my kids to have edge. 1109 00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:57,886 But they're not. 1110 00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,962 I'm not a thug, I'm not a killer, people. 1111 00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:01,963 But I got some edge to me. 1112 00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:04,520 You need edge to survive in life. 1113 00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:06,361 My kids aren't gonna have that edge. 1114 00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:09,410 The reason why is because they're growing up different than I grew up. 1115 00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:11,289 My son definitely doesn't have it. 1116 00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:12,805 I gave up. I don't even give a shit. 1117 00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:14,370 It is what it is. 1118 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:15,566 Swear to God, it is what it is. 1119 00:48:15,640 --> 00:48:17,290 I'ma tell you the day that I gave up. 1120 00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:19,051 The day that I gave up, 1121 00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:21,407 I got some of my friends over to my house that I grew up with. 1122 00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:22,766 We're in the kitchen, 1123 00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:26,322 we're having a thug-like conversation about our pasts. 1124 00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:28,440 "Yo, Kev. 1125 00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:29,851 "You remember when Ronald got shot 1126 00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:32,287 "in the back of the head?" "God damn, I do. 1127 00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:33,407 "I really do. 1128 00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:34,891 "Died on the spot." 1129 00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:35,927 "What about Terry? 1130 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:37,047 "You remember Terry got shot in the back?" 1131 00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:39,088 "Fuck! I remember that." 1132 00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:41,766 I hear my son coming down the steps. 1133 00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,047 I hear his flip-flops popping. (CLICKING TONGUE) 1134 00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:47,204 They're popping fast. (CONTINUES CLICKING) 1135 00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:49,170 So that means he's walking with a purpose. 1136 00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:50,486 Something's wrong. 1137 00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:53,325 He gets downstairs, he got an attitude. 1138 00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:55,006 "Dad! 1139 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:02,725 "Wi-Fi's down!" 1140 00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:07,689 What the fuck? 1141 00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:09,046 What? 1142 00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:10,531 "Well, you want me to reboot it? 1143 00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:13,331 "'Cause nobody else seems to care." 1144 00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,721 "Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go." 1145 00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:17,962 "I'm thirsty, could I have a Capri Sun?" 1146 00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:19,724 "Son, get the fuck out of my face. 1147 00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:21,245 "Just go. Go! 1148 00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:22,560 "Them tight-ass pajamas. 1149 00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:24,051 "Take your ass upstairs. Go. 1150 00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:26,727 "And put on some loose pajamas!" 1151 00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,885 Now, I don't know what made me more upset. 1152 00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,088 That, or my friend going, 1153 00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:36,567 "Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?" 1154 00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:41,250 I said, "What did you just say?" 1155 00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,607 "I'm saying, he said that they're gonna reboot it. 1156 00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:45,205 "If they're strapped, we're strapped. 1157 00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:47,044 "I'ma die for mines." 1158 00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:50,847 "What the fuck are you talking about, man? 1159 00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:52,570 "It's the Internet, jackass! 1160 00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:54,324 "It's the Internet!" 1161 00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:55,526 "Well, you need to say something, 1162 00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:57,523 "'cause we almost lost a life today." 1163 00:49:57,640 --> 00:49:58,971 "Whose life? 1164 00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:01,090 "You was gonna kill my son?" 1165 00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:04,328 "Depending on what side he was on." 1166 00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:05,401 What? 1167 00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:12,370 My dad called me over the holidays. 1168 00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:13,805 "Hey! 1169 00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:14,927 "I miss you. 1170 00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,241 "I miss you, I miss them babies. 1171 00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:18,685 "I wanna come see y'all." 1172 00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,684 I said, "Dad, all you gotta do is tell me when, I'll put you on a plane." 1173 00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:24,127 He said, "Well, I wanna bring Connie with me." 1174 00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:26,521 "Dad, you wanna bring Connie, you can bring Connie." 1175 00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:27,931 "Well, before I bring her, I need to know 1176 00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,721 "if your house is wheelchair accessible." 1177 00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,008 "Well, Dad, nobody in my house is in a wheelchair, 1178 00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:38,809 "so I never felt the need 1179 00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:41,724 "to wheelchair-accessorize my home." 1180 00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,245 "Well, you need to get it right. 1181 00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:44,970 "Connie's in a wheelchair now." 1182 00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:46,371 "What the fuck happened to Connie? 1183 00:50:46,480 --> 00:50:47,925 "Why is Connie in a wheelchair?" 1184 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,889 "It's a long story. 1185 00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:52,122 "She got hit by a car." 1186 00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:54,407 "Okay, first of all, you just told the story. 1187 00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,562 "It wasn't that long at all. 1188 00:50:57,800 --> 00:50:59,848 "Second of all, how'd she get hit by a car? 1189 00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:00,887 "What happened?" 1190 00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,850 "Look, boy, I ain't got time to talk to you about that. 1191 00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:06,287 "I was driving, she was in the street, it was raining. 1192 00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:08,124 "Legally, I can't talk about it 1193 00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:09,565 "'cause the case is still open." 1194 00:51:09,640 --> 00:51:10,801 "The case? 1195 00:51:11,800 --> 00:51:13,484 "You got a case?" 1196 00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:17,131 "Look, boy, just get some wheelchair shit for the house." 1197 00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:18,804 "Fine." 1198 00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,121 I don't know what wheelchair shit is, people. 1199 00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,044 I have no idea what wheelchair shit is. 1200 00:51:24,920 --> 00:51:26,081 True story. 1201 00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:28,003 I went out, I bought a handicapped sign, 1202 00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:29,206 I put it in the driveway. 1203 00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,089 True story, swear to God. 1204 00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:33,481 'Cause that way, when they pull up, I look like I support. 1205 00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:34,891 Like, hey. 1206 00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,530 Hey. 1207 00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:38,851 Look who's welcome here. 1208 00:51:38,920 --> 00:51:40,285 Like, hey. 1209 00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:42,769 They get there, 1210 00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:45,605 my dad takes the wheelchair out of the car, puts Connie in the wheelchair. 1211 00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:47,887 He rolls Connie in the house. 1212 00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,764 Connie gets in the house, she goes off. 1213 00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:51,729 "Oh, my God! 1214 00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:53,768 "I love it! I love it! 1215 00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:55,325 "I wanna see the whole house!" 1216 00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,802 She says, "Spoon, push me all over so I can see everything." 1217 00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:00,882 My dad snapped. "No! 1218 00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:02,007 "No! 1219 00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:05,683 "Sick of this pushing shit!" That's what he said. 1220 00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:10,487 "I've been pushing your ass all over the place all goddamn day. 1221 00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:13,211 "Wherever I sit you is where you're gonna have to stay 1222 00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:15,362 "until I feel like moving you again." 1223 00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,090 I said, "What? 1224 00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:20,006 "Why can't she just roll around the house by herself?" 1225 00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:21,491 He said, "'Cause when I sit her down, 1226 00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,564 "I'ma lock the back brakes so she can't move." 1227 00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:28,327 "For what?" "Because I love her! 1228 00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,801 "And I don't want her rolling out of my life, that's why." 1229 00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:32,120 "Okay, all right, stop. 1230 00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:34,806 "Everybody, stop. Stop." 1231 00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:38,730 I said, "Look, y'all just landed, man. 1232 00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,569 "Everybody's a little bit on edge. 1233 00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:41,641 "This is what we're gonna do. 1234 00:52:41,760 --> 00:52:43,000 "We're gonna have a family night. 1235 00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,208 "I'ma order some food, we're gonna watch a movie. 1236 00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:46,406 "That's what we're gonna do." 1237 00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:49,848 I order some food, I say, "Connie, go in the other room. 1238 00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:51,331 "Go pick out a movie you wanna watch." 1239 00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,607 Connie goes in the room, she picks out a movie. 1240 00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:54,681 She comes back. 1241 00:52:54,760 --> 00:52:58,446 The movie she picked out was called The Conjuring. 1242 00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:01,330 For those people here tonight who do not know what The Conjuring is, 1243 00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:03,801 The Conjuring is a scary-ass movie 1244 00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:05,530 that came out a long time ago. 1245 00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:08,285 I said, "Connie, I don't think it's a good idea for us to watch that 1246 00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:10,567 "because of everything that's been going on around the house." 1247 00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,005 My dad says, "Stop being a bitch." 1248 00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:13,525 I said, "No, Dad, I'm serious. 1249 00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:17,525 "A raccoon shot at me twice, grabbed his dick, disappeared into the dark. 1250 00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:19,045 "I don't have lights in my driveway." 1251 00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:20,929 He said, "Stop being a bitch! 1252 00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:22,126 "Connie wants to watch the movie, 1253 00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:24,089 "we're gonna watch the movie." Fine. 1254 00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:25,844 We watch The Conjuring. 1255 00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,127 After the movie's over, it did exactly what I thought it would do, 1256 00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:29,565 scared the shit out of me. 1257 00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:32,405 My dad and Connie, they wanna go upstairs and they wanna go to sleep. 1258 00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:36,890 Me and my dad pick Connie in the wheelchair up, carry her upstairs, 1259 00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:39,486 Connie and my dad get into bed, they go to sleep. 1260 00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:41,722 Me and my lady get into bed, my lady goes to sleep. 1261 00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:42,961 I'm up. 1262 00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:45,050 I can't go to sleep, 1263 00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:47,885 'cause I got The Conjuring on my mind. 1264 00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:50,721 I hear this in the hallway. 1265 00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:52,721 (THUDDING) 1266 00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:57,970 (SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING) 1267 00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:03,324 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 1268 00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:18,851 Every man in this room tonight has done this at least once. 1269 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:20,650 (RUMBLING CONTINUES) 1270 00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:30,126 "Hey, babe, are you up? 1271 00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:32,248 "I just heard some shit in the hallway." 1272 00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:35,961 "No, I'm asleep. 1273 00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:37,644 "Just go see what it is." 1274 00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,686 "Go put some shoes on so you can go see what it is with me, 1275 00:54:41,760 --> 00:54:43,649 "so we can both go see what it is." 1276 00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:44,960 "Stop, Kevin, I'm asleep. 1277 00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:46,963 "Just go see what it is." 1278 00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:51,606 I hear it again. 1279 00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:53,121 (THUDDING) 1280 00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:54,804 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 1281 00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:01,931 You ever get so scared that you don't know where to put your hands at? 1282 00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:08,684 "All right! 1283 00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:12,161 "Don't make me come out there! 1284 00:55:12,240 --> 00:55:14,242 "'Cause if I get out there, I'ma be there!" 1285 00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:16,244 I don't even know what that means. I was scared. 1286 00:55:16,320 --> 00:55:18,004 It was the first thing that came to my mind. 1287 00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:21,562 She said, "Stop yelling at my ear, just go see what it is." 1288 00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:23,290 "Well, you're up. It don't look like you're asleep, 1289 00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:25,169 "so you should come with me. 1290 00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,004 "Fine, fine. I'll go by myself." 1291 00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:30,482 I sleep naked, so I had to get up, I had to put a robe on. 1292 00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,130 I grabbed my robe, 1293 00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:35,450 I start scared-walking towards the hallway. 1294 00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:39,286 Scared-walking is when you're walking, 1295 00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:42,170 but you're leaning backwards just in case... 1296 00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:44,806 Just in case some shit goes down, 1297 00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:46,848 you can get the fuck up out of there real quick. 1298 00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:48,285 It's quick. 1299 00:55:48,760 --> 00:55:50,489 I'm scared-walking. 1300 00:55:51,240 --> 00:55:52,765 Scared-walking. 1301 00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:55,081 I get to the hallway. 1302 00:55:55,160 --> 00:55:57,128 As soon as I get to the hallway, I cut the lights on. 1303 00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:58,761 (SCREAMS) 1304 00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:01,085 I don't what it is, people act like 1305 00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:03,322 lights can stop a murder. Like... 1306 00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:06,611 Like a murderer will see lights and be like, 1307 00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:08,091 "Man, I was about to stab you in the neck, 1308 00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:10,527 "but you got these fucking lights on, I ain't gonna do it now." 1309 00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:12,967 They don't give a shit about lights. 1310 00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:14,804 I start scared-walking down this way. 1311 00:56:14,880 --> 00:56:16,166 Scared-walking. 1312 00:56:16,240 --> 00:56:17,969 I'm scared-walking. 1313 00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,490 Scared-walking. 1314 00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:25,127 Out of nowhere, my daughter jumps from behind the wall. 1315 00:56:26,200 --> 00:56:27,884 (SCREAMING) 1316 00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,891 Listen to me. 1317 00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:35,407 Scared the living shit out of me. 1318 00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:39,842 All I can tell y'all is that she learned from her past mistakes. 1319 00:56:39,920 --> 00:56:43,402 She had a canteen on this hip, 1320 00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:47,929 she had a fanny pack on this hip with snacks and shit. 1321 00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,401 I don't know how long she was there, 1322 00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:53,086 but it had to be for a long time. 1323 00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:55,083 I was so scared, I turned around, 1324 00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:57,083 I jumped down my flight of steps. 1325 00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:58,969 I got 15 steps in my house. 1326 00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,724 I just jumped. 1327 00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:03,804 When I jumped, the air got the best of my robe, 1328 00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:05,086 it blew my robe up. 1329 00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:07,527 My dick, my ass, everything is out. 1330 00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:11,762 Somehow my car keys fall in my hand. 1331 00:57:11,840 --> 00:57:12,966 Don't know how. 1332 00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:14,530 I don't really care. 1333 00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,171 I land, I run out the front door, 1334 00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:20,403 get in my car, start the car up, I start laughing. 1335 00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,369 I start dying laughing. 1336 00:57:22,680 --> 00:57:24,682 The reason why I was laughing is because 1337 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:27,650 I realized that I don't give a fuck about my family. 1338 00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:29,609 I was like, "I don't care. 1339 00:57:29,680 --> 00:57:32,047 "I don't care! 1340 00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:33,761 "I don't care!" 1341 00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:35,604 I didn't go wake my son up. 1342 00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,370 I didn't go check on my lady. 1343 00:57:37,440 --> 00:57:39,124 To be 100% honest with you all, 1344 00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:41,362 I don't even know if that was my daughter or not. 1345 00:57:41,440 --> 00:57:44,842 In my mind, that was the little bitch from The Conjuring 1346 00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,082 that was clapping at everybody goddamn near her. 1347 00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:50,881 I turn around and back out the driveway, 1348 00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:55,683 my dad is sitting in the backseat of the car. 1349 00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:01,362 I said, "What the fuck is going on here?" 1350 00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:03,169 My dad goes... 1351 00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:04,969 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 1352 00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:07,084 "Did you hear that shit?" 1353 00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:09,329 I said, "What?" 1354 00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:12,601 "Did you hear that shit? 1355 00:58:13,560 --> 00:58:15,403 "We gotta get the fuck outta here!" 1356 00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:18,764 I said, "What about Connie?" 1357 00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,205 He said, "What about her? 1358 00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,762 "I can't carry that goddamn chair downstairs by myself! 1359 00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:25,685 "I locked the back brakes. 1360 00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:27,250 "The back brakes are jammed. 1361 00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:29,561 "I can't get the back brakes unjammed. 1362 00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:32,002 "We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!" 1363 00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:34,884 I said, "If you was that scared, 1364 00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:36,530 "then why didn't you leave already?" 1365 00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,604 He said, "'Cause a raccoon kept coming to the car 1366 00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:41,682 "going 'bang, bang,' and then he grabbed his dick, 1367 00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:42,921 "disappeared into the dark. 1368 00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:45,646 "We gotta get the fuck outta here right now!" 1369 00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:49,441 He pulled out his iPhone and he said, "Cyrus, wake your ass up! 1370 00:58:49,520 --> 00:58:51,727 "Get my ass up outta here right now! 1371 00:58:51,840 --> 00:58:54,571 "We ain't got time for you to be fucking asleep, Cyrus." 1372 00:58:54,640 --> 00:58:57,291 "It's Siri, you dumb bitch. Siri." 1373 00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:04,208 The toughest part about that night 1374 00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:06,282 was the next morning when I got back home. 1375 00:59:09,720 --> 00:59:10,881 Oh! Oh, no, we left! 1376 00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,007 I'm sorry, I forgot. 1377 00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:13,605 Yeah, we left. 1378 00:59:14,120 --> 00:59:16,930 Me and my dad made an executive decision to save ourselves. 1379 00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:18,411 We got the fuck up outta there. 1380 00:59:20,320 --> 00:59:22,482 The reason why the next morning was so tough 1381 00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:25,404 'cause as soon as I walked in the house, my lady was in the kitchen. 1382 00:59:25,480 --> 00:59:27,642 She was like, "Where did you go last night?" And I told her, 1383 00:59:27,720 --> 00:59:29,324 I was like, "I left." 1384 00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:31,084 She said, "What do you mean, you left?" 1385 00:59:31,160 --> 00:59:33,049 I was like, "I left. I saved myself. 1386 00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:34,565 "The only reason why I came back 1387 00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,324 "is because I didn't see anything on the news 1388 00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:38,004 "so I knew you were still alive." 1389 00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:40,081 I told the truth. 1390 00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:41,521 I did. 1391 00:59:41,640 --> 00:59:44,120 The reason why I told the truth is because I told myself 1392 00:59:44,200 --> 00:59:46,009 that I'm not gonna lie anymore. 1393 00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:50,483 The only way I'll lie is if the truth doesn't sound believable. 1394 00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:55,005 Ladies, please, please try to understand that. 1395 00:59:55,080 --> 00:59:57,082 That doesn't mean I was out cheating or fucking. 1396 00:59:57,160 --> 00:59:59,811 It means that whatever I was doing just doesn't sound right 1397 00:59:59,880 --> 01:00:01,291 when I say it out loud. 1398 01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:03,442 That's it. That's all it means. 1399 01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:04,931 Everybody that follows me knows 1400 01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,446 that all my comedy comes from a real place. 1401 01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:09,682 First and foremost, understand that I'm older now. 1402 01:00:09,760 --> 01:00:10,761 I'm 36. 1403 01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:12,330 My friends are older than me. 1404 01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:14,846 42, 46, 47, 48. 1405 01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:17,844 We go out, we do older guy shit. 1406 01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:20,964 Me and my friends go to a lounge, this is a true story. 1407 01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:23,288 When we get to the lounge, for some reason, 1408 01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:26,284 we're watching ping-pong on TV. 1409 01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:30,202 We are locked in to this ping-pong match. 1410 01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:31,725 Outta nowhere, my friend Joey goes, 1411 01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:33,848 "You'd better be lucky we don't have a ping-pong table. 1412 01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,491 "If we did, I would bust all y'all's ass." 1413 01:00:36,560 --> 01:00:37,971 I said, "Bet money, bitch." 1414 01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:39,565 That's me and my friends' biggest problem. 1415 01:00:39,640 --> 01:00:40,801 We're competitive. 1416 01:00:40,880 --> 01:00:43,326 The word "bet" sets off that competitive nature. 1417 01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:44,526 I said, "Bet money, bitch." 1418 01:00:44,600 --> 01:00:46,648 Harry said, "Bet." Wayne, "Bet." 1419 01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:48,529 Spank, "Bet." Joey, "Bet." 1420 01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:50,409 "Bitch, bet." "Bet." "Bet." 1421 01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:52,050 "Motherfucker, bet." "Bet." 1422 01:00:52,120 --> 01:00:54,009 "Nigga, bet." "Bet." "Bet it, bitch." 1423 01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,684 "Bet." "Bet." 1424 01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:57,364 "Fuck you, bet." "Bet." 1425 01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:02,249 We get in the car, we drive to Walmart. 1426 01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:06,128 We drive to Walmart, we buy a ping-pong table. 1427 01:01:06,200 --> 01:01:10,171 We go back to Joey's house, we set the ping-pong table up in the kitchen. 1428 01:01:10,240 --> 01:01:12,242 We get to playing ping-pong. 1429 01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:17,281 Our game looks nothing like the game that we were watching on TV. 1430 01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:20,326 So we decide to add alcohol into the mix. 1431 01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:22,880 Hit the ball into the net, gotta take a shot. 1432 01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:26,043 You get slammed on, gotta take two shots. 1433 01:01:26,160 --> 01:01:28,367 You get slammed on and you miss the ball completely, 1434 01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:30,044 gotta take three shots. 1435 01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,691 Somewhere along the line, the game got so competitive 1436 01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:36,685 that Joey decided to cut his jeans into jean shorts 1437 01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:39,047 'cause he said he wasn't getting enough lateral movement 1438 01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:40,804 in the house. 1439 01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:42,644 Here's the fucked-up part about that. 1440 01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:44,250 It was Joey's house. 1441 01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:47,324 All Joey had to do is go upstairs 1442 01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:50,802 and change into a pair of goddamn jean shorts. 1443 01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:53,368 Here's the second fucked-up part about that. 1444 01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:56,051 Joey went upstairs to get the scissors 1445 01:01:56,120 --> 01:02:00,444 to come back downstairs and cut his jeans into jean shorts. 1446 01:02:01,720 --> 01:02:03,609 Somewhere along the line, I get slammed on. 1447 01:02:03,680 --> 01:02:06,081 I go to return the ball, I miss the ball, 1448 01:02:06,200 --> 01:02:08,567 run into the wall, fall down, black out. 1449 01:02:08,640 --> 01:02:10,085 I wake up, it's 10:00 am. 1450 01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,491 Holy shit. 1451 01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:14,045 It's 10:00 am! 1452 01:02:14,720 --> 01:02:15,960 I wake up, I look at my phone, 1453 01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:19,647 I got 37 missed calls, 47 text messages. 1454 01:02:20,240 --> 01:02:21,651 Fellas, I'ma tell you something. 1455 01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:23,768 The worst thing that you can do in life 1456 01:02:23,840 --> 01:02:26,161 is not respond to your lady's text messages. 1457 01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:27,287 Do you hear me? 1458 01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:29,010 That's the worst thing that you could do. 1459 01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:31,367 The reason why I say that is because your woman 1460 01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,410 will then proceed to having a conversation with herself 1461 01:02:34,520 --> 01:02:37,888 through the messages that she's sending you. 1462 01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:40,726 Listen to me. 1463 01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:43,644 This is what that conversation looks like. 1464 01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:45,321 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 1465 01:02:45,440 --> 01:02:48,205 (SINGSONG) "So this is what we doing now? 1466 01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:54,320 "Wow! 1467 01:02:54,400 --> 01:02:57,404 "I guess this what we're doing now. 1468 01:03:00,040 --> 01:03:01,121 "You know what? 1469 01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:03,931 "I hope that bitch is worth it. 1470 01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,407 "Wow! 1471 01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:12,723 "So you telling me that bitch is worth it? 1472 01:03:14,960 --> 01:03:16,166 "You know what? 1473 01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:18,720 "Don't even come home tonight. 1474 01:03:20,600 --> 01:03:23,126 "Wow! 1475 01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:26,886 "So you really not gonna come home tonight?" 1476 01:03:28,040 --> 01:03:31,806 (IN NORMAL VOICE) She's drawing conclusions and answering the conclusions 1477 01:03:31,880 --> 01:03:34,406 that she drew by herself. 1478 01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:36,206 It's a sickness, ladies. 1479 01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:37,805 It's a disease. 1480 01:03:40,440 --> 01:03:43,125 First thing I do, I haul ass into Joey's room. 1481 01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:45,328 "Joey! Wake your ass up! 1482 01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,165 "What the hell you let me sleep over here till 10:00 am for? 1483 01:03:48,240 --> 01:03:49,810 "You know damn well I gotta be home." 1484 01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:51,450 He said, "Let me stop you right there, Kev. 1485 01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,843 "First of all, I don't know where you have to be. Okay? 1486 01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:57,400 "What I do know, is that I'm where I'm supposed to be. 1487 01:03:57,520 --> 01:03:59,170 "I know that. I know that much." 1488 01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:02,164 He said, "It sounds to me like you need to make better life decisions." 1489 01:04:02,240 --> 01:04:03,685 I said, "Joey, don't start that shit. 1490 01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:05,447 "Don't start that. 1491 01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:06,885 "This is serious. 1492 01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:08,291 "It's 10:00 am! 1493 01:04:08,360 --> 01:04:09,850 "I can't just walk in the house 1494 01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:11,763 "with nothing wrong with me at 10:00 am. 1495 01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:13,968 "I'm not drunk, I'm not injured. 1496 01:04:14,040 --> 01:04:17,522 "I can't stroll in the house perfectly fine and be like, 'Morning,' 1497 01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:21,924 "and just go to bed like everything's all right at fucking 10:00 am." 1498 01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:23,570 He said, "Why not? That's your house." 1499 01:04:23,640 --> 01:04:27,201 "I don't give a fuck whose house it is, Joey! 1500 01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:28,486 "It's the principle!" 1501 01:04:28,560 --> 01:04:29,607 I said, "Reverse it. 1502 01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:30,727 "Let's reverse it. 1503 01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:32,564 "Let's say your lady stayed out all night. 1504 01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:34,364 "You'd been calling and texting her all night, 1505 01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:35,851 "she ain't responded to nothing. 1506 01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:38,161 "She just walks in the house at 10:00 am. 1507 01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:40,402 "In your mind, what was she doing?" 1508 01:04:41,600 --> 01:04:43,284 "Oh, that means she was out there sucking dick, 1509 01:04:43,400 --> 01:04:45,528 "that's what that means she was doing." 1510 01:04:45,600 --> 01:04:46,726 I said, "That's my point. 1511 01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:48,689 "That's what she's gonna think I was doing." 1512 01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:55,967 "Your lady gonna think you was sucking dick, that's what you telling me? 1513 01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:59,408 "Well, you ain't sucked no dick over here, I'll tell you that. 1514 01:04:59,840 --> 01:05:01,410 "This ain't the dick-sucking house, 1515 01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,528 "so I don't know where you did that at." 1516 01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:06,763 "Joey, shut your dumb ass up! Shut up! 1517 01:05:06,880 --> 01:05:08,848 "Bottom line, I'm not going to my house like this." 1518 01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:10,604 I said, "Joey, I got a plan. 1519 01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:11,920 "This is what I'm gonna do. 1520 01:05:12,240 --> 01:05:13,287 "Get up, get dressed. 1521 01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:15,089 "Put on the same clothes you had on last night. 1522 01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:16,924 "We're gonna get in my car. 1523 01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:21,050 "I'm gonna run my car into a wall, okay? 1524 01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:22,929 "That way the airbags deploy. 1525 01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:24,968 "When they deploy, I'ma take a selfie. 1526 01:05:25,040 --> 01:05:26,121 "I'ma post it. 1527 01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:29,124 "I'ma be like, 'Fuck! Another accident! Shit happens.' 1528 01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:31,881 "#HospitalReady. 1529 01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:36,009 "#iLoveMyLadyTho." 1530 01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:37,241 Um... 1531 01:05:38,200 --> 01:05:40,771 "#TheDevilisALiar. 1532 01:05:41,360 --> 01:05:44,284 "#JesusTookTheWheelAgain." 1533 01:05:44,360 --> 01:05:46,567 The point that I'm making is that I was willing 1534 01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:48,608 to go through all those drastic measures 1535 01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:50,569 just to avoid telling the truth. 1536 01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:53,325 The truth is, I was playing ping-pong. 1537 01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:56,370 But if I walk in the house at 10:00 am, 1538 01:05:56,440 --> 01:05:58,761 as soon as I walk in the house, my lady in the kitchen, 1539 01:05:58,840 --> 01:06:00,729 and she like, "Where the fuck was you at last night?" 1540 01:06:00,800 --> 01:06:03,485 And I go, "I was playing ping-pong!" 1541 01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:07,963 And then her black girlfriend pop out and she like, "Ping-pong? 1542 01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:11,651 "Really?" (AUDIENCE ECHOING) 1543 01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:13,964 I'm in trouble. 1544 01:06:14,040 --> 01:06:15,963 I know my lady, people. 1545 01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:17,521 I'ma tell you the worst thing about my woman. 1546 01:06:17,600 --> 01:06:18,931 The worst thing about her is her sense of humor. 1547 01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:22,723 After I proposed, I had to go to Atlanta for two months. 1548 01:06:22,800 --> 01:06:25,201 I'm in Atlanta, I'm filming a movie. 1549 01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:27,647 I get to my hotel, I unpack my bag, 1550 01:06:27,720 --> 01:06:30,849 I find a pocket pussy in my bag. 1551 01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:35,289 For those people here tonight who do not know what a pocket pussy is, 1552 01:06:35,360 --> 01:06:37,010 a pocket pussy... 1553 01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:40,806 A pocket pussy is a pussy you put in your pocket. 1554 01:06:40,880 --> 01:06:41,927 I don't know, people. 1555 01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:43,846 It's self-explanatory. 1556 01:06:43,920 --> 01:06:46,207 I think the definition is in the title. 1557 01:06:46,280 --> 01:06:48,282 All I know is, I didn't put it in my bag. 1558 01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:49,561 I call her. 1559 01:06:49,640 --> 01:06:50,766 "Hey! 1560 01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:54,204 "You put this pocket pussy in my bag?" 1561 01:06:54,320 --> 01:06:55,446 "Yes. 1562 01:06:55,520 --> 01:06:56,851 "Yes, I did." 1563 01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:58,046 "For what?" 1564 01:06:58,120 --> 01:07:00,009 "Because you're gonna be gone for two months. 1565 01:07:00,120 --> 01:07:02,851 "If you get the urge to do something, I suggest you do it 1566 01:07:02,920 --> 01:07:04,922 "to that pocket pussy." 1567 01:07:05,280 --> 01:07:06,850 "Girl, get off my phone. Bye." 1568 01:07:06,960 --> 01:07:07,882 "Bye." 1569 01:07:08,000 --> 01:07:10,526 I hang up the phone, unpack my bag, 1570 01:07:10,600 --> 01:07:12,841 I put the pocket pussy on the table. 1571 01:07:13,440 --> 01:07:16,728 I walk by that pocket pussy for three days, people. 1572 01:07:16,920 --> 01:07:20,242 Each day became more difficult than the day before. 1573 01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:24,007 Day one... Day one, I was cool. 1574 01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:25,201 "Ha! 1575 01:07:25,280 --> 01:07:27,567 "She bought a pocket pussy, put a pocket pussy in my bag! 1576 01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:29,847 "She crazy, bought a pocket pussy!" 1577 01:07:31,320 --> 01:07:32,685 Day two. 1578 01:07:32,760 --> 01:07:33,886 "Let me read the package. 1579 01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:34,961 "What does it say? 1580 01:07:35,040 --> 01:07:36,121 "Like, what is it?" 1581 01:07:37,800 --> 01:07:39,040 Day three. 1582 01:07:39,120 --> 01:07:40,724 "I'ma open it 'cause I wanna smell it. 1583 01:07:40,800 --> 01:07:41,881 "Is it real? 1584 01:07:41,960 --> 01:07:43,485 "Like, what is it?" 1585 01:07:44,360 --> 01:07:46,806 Day four was the saddest day of my life. 1586 01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,606 Day four was the day that I decided to fuck the pocket pussy. 1587 01:07:49,680 --> 01:07:52,001 Let me tell you when it got bad. 1588 01:07:52,080 --> 01:07:54,560 It didn't get bad until I caught a reflection 1589 01:07:54,640 --> 01:07:57,325 of what I was doing in the mirror. 1590 01:07:57,960 --> 01:08:00,122 I was going to work on this pocket pussy, people. 1591 01:08:00,200 --> 01:08:01,406 I swear to God. 1592 01:08:01,480 --> 01:08:04,609 I was butt-ass naked, sweating, talking shit. 1593 01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:07,406 "You think I'm just gonna walk by you every day? 1594 01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:08,851 "That's what you think? 1595 01:08:08,920 --> 01:08:10,251 "You asked for this. 1596 01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,288 "You wanted this just as much as I did." 1597 01:08:13,520 --> 01:08:16,091 I was so disappointed in myself. 1598 01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:18,686 Let me tell you, here's why I was mad. 1599 01:08:18,760 --> 01:08:22,401 I was mad at the fact that they make contraptions for men. 1600 01:08:22,480 --> 01:08:25,927 Like, fellas, if we wanna use something to please ourselves sexually, 1601 01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:27,525 we look like creeps. 1602 01:08:27,600 --> 01:08:28,761 Perverts. 1603 01:08:28,840 --> 01:08:30,126 Women, you got it made. 1604 01:08:30,640 --> 01:08:32,290 You got cute shit. 1605 01:08:32,360 --> 01:08:34,249 You got the bullet. 1606 01:08:34,320 --> 01:08:35,401 The bullet is this big. 1607 01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:36,970 You can fit it in your coin purse. 1608 01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:38,963 Use it at your desk at work. 1609 01:08:39,040 --> 01:08:40,041 (MAKES BUZZING NOISE) 1610 01:08:40,120 --> 01:08:41,963 (MOANING) 1611 01:08:43,800 --> 01:08:44,801 (MAKES BUZZING NOISE) 1612 01:08:44,880 --> 01:08:46,723 (MOANING) 1613 01:08:57,200 --> 01:08:59,123 "You all right, Carol?" "I am now." 1614 01:08:59,200 --> 01:09:00,565 "What the fuck happened to you?" 1615 01:09:03,480 --> 01:09:04,811 It's not the same for men. 1616 01:09:04,880 --> 01:09:07,008 I've been to the sex store. 1617 01:09:07,120 --> 01:09:09,726 The shit that I saw, it disgusted me. 1618 01:09:10,240 --> 01:09:11,685 The pocket mouth. 1619 01:09:11,760 --> 01:09:13,000 The pocket ass. 1620 01:09:13,080 --> 01:09:14,411 The pocket titties. 1621 01:09:14,680 --> 01:09:15,966 I was disgusted. 1622 01:09:16,040 --> 01:09:19,044 Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! 1623 01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:22,760 I bought all of it. 1624 01:09:22,840 --> 01:09:24,001 I did. 1625 01:09:24,600 --> 01:09:26,125 No, I know. I know. 1626 01:09:26,200 --> 01:09:27,690 That's one of the longest walks 1627 01:09:27,760 --> 01:09:29,410 I've ever taken back to my car in my life. 1628 01:09:29,920 --> 01:09:33,367 When they give you that pitch-black pervert plastic bag, 1629 01:09:36,160 --> 01:09:38,527 you're trying to look normal. 1630 01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,090 (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) 1631 01:09:43,600 --> 01:09:45,045 You look like a fucking creep. 1632 01:09:45,120 --> 01:09:47,282 Everything about you says "creep". 1633 01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:49,807 You're trying to speak, 1634 01:09:49,880 --> 01:09:51,325 "How you all doing? Everybody all right?" 1635 01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:53,721 "Get your freaky ass outta here, man! 1636 01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:56,246 "I see that black plastic bag full of dicks. 1637 01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:59,085 "Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass outta here, man." 1638 01:09:59,160 --> 01:10:00,685 "Right, all right. Got you." 1639 01:10:03,160 --> 01:10:05,731 I was excited when I got back to my hotel. 1640 01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:07,006 I laid it all out on the bed. 1641 01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:08,969 I was like, "All right. 1642 01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:12,561 "Who's gonna get this dick first?" 1643 01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:16,087 I was excited. 1644 01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:18,606 I was excited 'cause I created the perfect woman. 1645 01:10:18,680 --> 01:10:21,524 I had the black ass, the white titties, the Latina mouth. 1646 01:10:21,600 --> 01:10:23,568 Whoo-hoo! Oh, man. 1647 01:10:24,640 --> 01:10:29,123 It looked like somebody raped Mrs. Potato Head and left it all over the place. 1648 01:10:29,680 --> 01:10:30,886 (LAUGHING) 1649 01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:34,124 "I couldn't do it. I can't do this shit. 1650 01:10:34,200 --> 01:10:35,690 "I can't use this." 1651 01:10:36,760 --> 01:10:39,445 There's only one thing that I've ever used for sexual enhancement. 1652 01:10:39,520 --> 01:10:40,567 One thing. 1653 01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:42,802 One thing. I don't give a shit, I'll tell the truth. 1654 01:10:42,880 --> 01:10:43,881 I'll be honest with you. 1655 01:10:43,960 --> 01:10:45,371 I was having a bad week. 1656 01:10:45,440 --> 01:10:47,681 It was a bad sex week for me. 1657 01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:50,003 I was cumming fast all week. 1658 01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,240 It was a premie week. 1659 01:10:52,320 --> 01:10:54,243 That's what I called it. 1660 01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:58,609 It didn't get bad until my lady gave me that frustration deep breath. 1661 01:10:58,760 --> 01:11:00,250 (EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE) 1662 01:11:00,920 --> 01:11:02,046 Your lady ever give you that? 1663 01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:03,531 She roll over on you... 1664 01:11:03,880 --> 01:11:05,006 (EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE) 1665 01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:13,811 "You want me to rub your back? 1666 01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:16,565 "You all right? You want me to do anything? 1667 01:11:17,320 --> 01:11:19,402 "I'm not drinking enough water, that's the problem. 1668 01:11:19,480 --> 01:11:21,528 "I'm not drinking enough water. 1669 01:11:21,600 --> 01:11:22,726 "I'm dehydrated. 1670 01:11:22,840 --> 01:11:24,683 "I really think that's the problem." 1671 01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:28,122 I've only used one thing for sexual enhancement. 1672 01:11:28,200 --> 01:11:29,531 One thing. 1673 01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:34,801 Good thing about me and my friends is we fucking... We talk. 1674 01:11:34,880 --> 01:11:36,644 We confide in one another. 1675 01:11:36,720 --> 01:11:37,767 I called Nate. 1676 01:11:37,840 --> 01:11:40,127 I said, "Nate, I don't know what's going on with my body, man. 1677 01:11:40,200 --> 01:11:41,804 "I've been cumming fast all week, dude. 1678 01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:43,166 "Is this a medical issue? 1679 01:11:43,240 --> 01:11:45,607 "Like, really, do I need to go to the doctor? 1680 01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:47,682 "Is my blood level low? Do I need a pill?" 1681 01:11:47,760 --> 01:11:50,127 He said, "Shut your ass up. You're a man. 1682 01:11:50,240 --> 01:11:51,651 "Happens to the best of us." 1683 01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:54,724 He said, "If you wanna fix this right away, I've got this numbing cream. 1684 01:11:54,800 --> 01:11:57,007 "You put the numbing cream on your shit before you do it, 1685 01:11:57,080 --> 01:11:58,320 "it'll numb you up, you'll last forever." 1686 01:11:58,400 --> 01:12:00,926 I said, "Nate, I need that tonight." 1687 01:12:02,080 --> 01:12:03,127 True story. 1688 01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:06,647 I go to Nate's house, he gives me the cream, I put it on at his house. 1689 01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:09,121 I call my lady, I start talking shit. 1690 01:12:09,200 --> 01:12:10,884 "Hey, you've been running your mouth all week. 1691 01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:12,325 "As soon as I get home, 1692 01:12:12,400 --> 01:12:16,007 "Operation Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back is in session. 1693 01:12:17,080 --> 01:12:18,605 "As soon as I get home." 1694 01:12:18,680 --> 01:12:20,648 "Whatever, whatever." "Ain't no whatever. 1695 01:12:20,720 --> 01:12:23,690 "Hole-In-Your-Back as soon as I get home." 1696 01:12:23,760 --> 01:12:25,489 I get home, we go at it. 1697 01:12:25,560 --> 01:12:27,369 She stops me, she starts giving me head. 1698 01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:28,601 (MAKES SUCKING NOISE) 1699 01:12:28,680 --> 01:12:29,681 I stop her. 1700 01:12:29,760 --> 01:12:30,841 We start doing it again. 1701 01:12:30,920 --> 01:12:31,921 I'm talking shit. 1702 01:12:32,080 --> 01:12:33,161 Uh-huh. 1703 01:12:34,280 --> 01:12:35,645 Uh-huh! 1704 01:12:36,520 --> 01:12:37,965 "You did this! 1705 01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:40,442 "You did this to yourself! 1706 01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:44,044 "Look at you sitting there, looking all stupid. 1707 01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:46,407 "With that dumb-ass goddamn look on your face. 1708 01:12:46,480 --> 01:12:48,244 "Can't say shit now. 1709 01:12:48,960 --> 01:12:50,371 "Say something! 1710 01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:52,685 "Say something! 1711 01:12:53,800 --> 01:12:55,290 "Say something! 1712 01:12:56,120 --> 01:12:57,645 "Say something! 1713 01:12:58,760 --> 01:13:00,250 "Say something! 1714 01:13:01,240 --> 01:13:02,844 "Say something!" 1715 01:13:03,720 --> 01:13:05,051 She said, 1716 01:13:07,120 --> 01:13:08,724 (IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE) "I can't feel my mouth." 1717 01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:10,404 (IN NORMAL VOICE) I said, "What?" 1718 01:13:11,280 --> 01:13:12,884 She said, "My mouth feels numb. 1719 01:13:12,960 --> 01:13:15,042 "I can't feel my mouth." 1720 01:13:15,160 --> 01:13:18,164 I look down, slobber and shit coming out the side of her mouth. 1721 01:13:19,640 --> 01:13:23,008 It dawned on me she done sucked all the numbing cream off. 1722 01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:24,930 But as a man, you can't tell on yourself. 1723 01:13:25,000 --> 01:13:26,923 You gotta take this to the grave. 1724 01:13:27,000 --> 01:13:28,604 So I just made some shit up. 1725 01:13:28,680 --> 01:13:30,489 I said, "You must be allergic to these pillowcases. 1726 01:13:30,560 --> 01:13:32,528 "These are new pillowcases." 1727 01:13:33,320 --> 01:13:35,926 She's like, "I know." She said, 1728 01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:38,480 "I know, I'm gonna throw them in the trash." 1729 01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:39,840 I said, "Yeah. 1730 01:13:39,920 --> 01:13:41,888 "We gotta get rid of these." 1731 01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:44,608 This is what almost made me shit on myself. 1732 01:13:44,680 --> 01:13:45,841 She said... 1733 01:13:45,920 --> 01:13:47,001 She said, 1734 01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:57,207 "I don't feel pretty." 1735 01:13:58,160 --> 01:13:59,764 "You don't look it right now. 1736 01:13:59,840 --> 01:14:00,921 "This is fucked up. 1737 01:14:01,040 --> 01:14:02,929 "This is bad for everybody. 1738 01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,121 "You over here with that permanent 1739 01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:05,611 "going-down-on- the-roller-coaster face." 1740 01:14:05,680 --> 01:14:07,489 This is fucked up. 1741 01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:11,646 "Oh, no. Oh, no." 1742 01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,122 I let, like, a week go by, then I told her. 1743 01:14:17,200 --> 01:14:18,884 I told her what happened. 1744 01:14:18,960 --> 01:14:20,450 I didn't give a shit. 1745 01:14:20,560 --> 01:14:21,971 I told you guys, I'm 36. 1746 01:14:22,040 --> 01:14:25,044 36 is the perfect age to stop giving a shit. 1747 01:14:25,880 --> 01:14:28,486 The shit that I used to care about, I don't care about anymore. 1748 01:14:28,560 --> 01:14:30,210 Like when I wear white underwear. 1749 01:14:30,280 --> 01:14:31,645 Now, I don't care about wearing 'em. 1750 01:14:31,720 --> 01:14:34,690 Back then, if I had, like, shit stains in my drawers, 1751 01:14:35,040 --> 01:14:37,202 I would try to get my drawers before she saw them. 1752 01:14:37,280 --> 01:14:38,805 Get 'em out of the house. 1753 01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:40,803 Get in my car, drive, cut 'em up, 1754 01:14:40,880 --> 01:14:43,087 throw 'em out at different exits. 1755 01:14:43,560 --> 01:14:46,006 "She ain't never gonna find these. 1756 01:14:46,280 --> 01:14:48,328 "CSI couldn't find these." 1757 01:14:49,480 --> 01:14:54,805 Why do women love to argue about obvious shit? 1758 01:14:54,880 --> 01:14:56,166 Like, she found a pair of my drawers 1759 01:14:56,240 --> 01:14:57,890 with shit stains in them one time, 1760 01:14:57,960 --> 01:14:59,086 she confronted me. 1761 01:14:59,160 --> 01:15:00,400 "Uh, excuse me. 1762 01:15:00,480 --> 01:15:02,084 "What is this?" 1763 01:15:03,200 --> 01:15:04,247 "Bitch, it's shit. 1764 01:15:04,320 --> 01:15:06,129 "What do you think it is? It's shit. 1765 01:15:07,000 --> 01:15:09,401 "It's perfectly placed in the crack of my ass. 1766 01:15:09,480 --> 01:15:11,369 "What else would it be? 1767 01:15:11,440 --> 01:15:13,727 "What, you think I got a Sharpie and I'm fucking with you? 1768 01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,643 "You think I got a brown Sharpie, 1769 01:15:15,720 --> 01:15:17,529 "and I'm like, 'She's gonna think this is shit?' 1770 01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:19,602 "Smell it, it smells like shit." 1771 01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:23,809 I got mad 'cause I knew where I hid them. 1772 01:15:23,880 --> 01:15:25,120 So I tried to flip it. 1773 01:15:25,200 --> 01:15:28,443 I was like, "What the fuck you doing behind the dresser? 1774 01:15:28,520 --> 01:15:30,522 "I hid those behind the dresser!" 1775 01:15:32,240 --> 01:15:34,720 Shit that I used to care about, I don't care. 1776 01:15:34,840 --> 01:15:39,164 I don't care about not giving a shit as long as I don't go crazy. 1777 01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,163 I don't wanna become crazy. 1778 01:15:41,240 --> 01:15:42,765 I respect crazy people too much. 1779 01:15:42,840 --> 01:15:43,887 The reason why, 1780 01:15:43,960 --> 01:15:47,885 I've had too many situations with real-life crazy people. 1781 01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:51,009 I'ma tell you, the craziest situation I've ever been in, 1782 01:15:51,280 --> 01:15:53,886 one night, I'm drunk. I'm hungry. 1783 01:15:53,960 --> 01:15:56,201 Everything's closed, so I stop at a gas station. 1784 01:15:56,320 --> 01:15:57,890 I go to the gas station and it's crowded. 1785 01:15:57,960 --> 01:15:59,530 There's like 13 people in line. 1786 01:15:59,600 --> 01:16:01,967 I want my chips and snacks that bad 1787 01:16:02,040 --> 01:16:03,883 that I'm willing to wait in line. 1788 01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,530 I decide to open up my chips. 1789 01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:07,728 I start eating them while I'm in line. 1790 01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:10,531 Out of nowhere, the guy in front of me snaps. 1791 01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:12,489 "Sick of this shit! 1792 01:16:13,280 --> 01:16:15,362 "Bitch on the register all fucking slow! 1793 01:16:15,440 --> 01:16:16,805 "I bet you'll speed it up 1794 01:16:16,880 --> 01:16:20,487 "when I start shooting these motherfuckers in the head!" 1795 01:16:26,400 --> 01:16:28,164 When I turned back around, we locked eyes. 1796 01:16:28,240 --> 01:16:30,288 We're looking at each other. 1797 01:16:30,360 --> 01:16:34,843 I panicked, I was like, "You took the words right outta my goddamn mouth! 1798 01:16:34,920 --> 01:16:36,922 "I was about to say the same shit!" 1799 01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:39,082 He said, "Yeah, 'cause me and you brothers, that's why. 1800 01:16:39,160 --> 01:16:40,605 "Don't worry, I got this one. 1801 01:16:40,680 --> 01:16:42,409 "You get the next one. You can leave." 1802 01:16:42,480 --> 01:16:43,481 I said, "Thank you." 1803 01:16:43,560 --> 01:16:45,483 I left real fast. I didn't say shit. 1804 01:16:45,560 --> 01:16:47,244 I just walked out. 1805 01:16:48,080 --> 01:16:49,286 Let me tell you something. 1806 01:16:49,360 --> 01:16:52,409 One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was the day 1807 01:16:52,480 --> 01:16:53,925 that I had to walk by 13 people 1808 01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,128 that have just been told that they was about to die 1809 01:16:56,200 --> 01:16:58,202 when I got chose to live. 1810 01:16:58,280 --> 01:16:59,327 The reason why I was mad 1811 01:16:59,400 --> 01:17:01,050 was 'cause they kept staring at me on my way out. 1812 01:17:01,120 --> 01:17:02,281 I was like, "What? 1813 01:17:03,720 --> 01:17:04,801 "He chose me. 1814 01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:06,882 "What do you want from me?" 1815 01:17:06,960 --> 01:17:08,689 This one lady was like, "Call the cops." 1816 01:17:08,760 --> 01:17:09,807 I was like, "I can't. 1817 01:17:09,880 --> 01:17:10,847 "My phone's dead. 1818 01:17:10,920 --> 01:17:12,922 "Just like you." 1819 01:17:13,000 --> 01:17:14,047 And I walked out. 1820 01:17:14,120 --> 01:17:15,121 I was like this. 1821 01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,967 I was just happy to be alive. 1822 01:17:19,680 --> 01:17:21,648 I got stories like that for days. 1823 01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:25,167 I can give you guys, by far, 1824 01:17:25,480 --> 01:17:30,327 this is probably my most uncomfortable moment in life by far. 1825 01:17:31,720 --> 01:17:33,165 I'm at the airport. 1826 01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:34,810 I just landed. 1827 01:17:34,920 --> 01:17:36,365 I'm on my way to baggage claim. 1828 01:17:36,440 --> 01:17:38,283 While I'm walking to baggage claim, 1829 01:17:38,360 --> 01:17:41,569 out of nowhere, my stomach tells my ass that I gotta shit right now. 1830 01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,964 I've never felt anything like this in my life. 1831 01:17:44,040 --> 01:17:46,008 I had to shut my body down. 1832 01:17:46,080 --> 01:17:48,447 Don't nobody know what's going on except me and my ass. 1833 01:17:48,520 --> 01:17:50,124 I had to lock my ass up. 1834 01:17:50,200 --> 01:17:52,009 That's when you just get tight ass. 1835 01:17:52,080 --> 01:17:54,560 I'm having a conversation with my ass. 1836 01:17:54,640 --> 01:17:56,210 "Come on, man. 1837 01:17:56,280 --> 01:17:58,681 "You really gonna do this shit right now?" 1838 01:17:58,760 --> 01:18:01,445 My ass was like, "Yup, right now." 1839 01:18:01,520 --> 01:18:04,046 "You can't wait 20 minutes till I get back to the house?" 1840 01:18:04,120 --> 01:18:05,645 "Nope, you got 20 seconds. 1841 01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:06,846 "Clock starts now. 1842 01:18:07,480 --> 01:18:12,361 "19, 18, 17, 16, 15..." 1843 01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:14,124 I say, "You got to be shitting me." 1844 01:18:14,200 --> 01:18:15,690 He said, "I'm not, but I will." 1845 01:18:15,760 --> 01:18:17,967 "Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait!" 1846 01:18:19,280 --> 01:18:20,850 I don't wanna go to the bathroom at the airport, 1847 01:18:20,920 --> 01:18:22,524 but I don't have a choice. 1848 01:18:22,600 --> 01:18:24,602 The reason why I don't wanna go to the bathroom at the airport 1849 01:18:24,720 --> 01:18:26,210 is because I don't want people taking pictures of me 1850 01:18:26,280 --> 01:18:28,965 going to the bathroom and coming out, posting it. 1851 01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:30,969 #KevinHartStinkybutt. 1852 01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:32,166 People play too much. 1853 01:18:32,240 --> 01:18:33,924 Social media shit has gotten out of hand. 1854 01:18:35,560 --> 01:18:37,483 But I can't hold it, I have to go. 1855 01:18:37,920 --> 01:18:41,367 I make the decision to use the bathroom at the airport. 1856 01:18:41,440 --> 01:18:43,807 I'm in the bathroom stall, right? 1857 01:18:45,240 --> 01:18:48,528 Once again, people, you cannot make shit like this up. 1858 01:18:48,640 --> 01:18:50,165 (TOILET FLUSHING) 1859 01:18:50,680 --> 01:18:53,126 This is what it looks like, people. 1860 01:18:53,200 --> 01:18:55,248 No, I'm for real, this is a life-size photo. 1861 01:18:55,320 --> 01:18:56,481 This is really what it looks like. 1862 01:18:56,560 --> 01:18:58,483 This is how small I am on an actual toilet. 1863 01:19:01,440 --> 01:19:03,204 I'm in the bathroom. 1864 01:19:03,280 --> 01:19:04,770 It's 6:30 in the morning. 1865 01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:06,330 I'm by myself. 1866 01:19:07,240 --> 01:19:08,571 By myself. 1867 01:19:09,040 --> 01:19:10,405 It's quiet. 1868 01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:12,241 It's just like this. 1869 01:19:12,320 --> 01:19:13,481 Quiet. 1870 01:19:14,000 --> 01:19:16,651 This is what I hear outta nowhere. 1871 01:19:19,320 --> 01:19:21,243 "Yo, Kev Hart, how long you gonna be, man? 1872 01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:23,010 "I wanna get a picture with you when you come out." 1873 01:19:24,320 --> 01:19:25,606 Immediately I put my feet up. 1874 01:19:25,680 --> 01:19:27,523 I did this right here. 1875 01:19:28,440 --> 01:19:30,886 I said, if he can't see my feet, he'll go away. 1876 01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:32,291 He's like, "Come on, man, I saw your feet already. 1877 01:19:32,360 --> 01:19:33,361 "I know you're in there. 1878 01:19:33,440 --> 01:19:34,441 "Just gimme a timeframe. 1879 01:19:34,520 --> 01:19:35,521 "How long you gonna be?" 1880 01:19:52,240 --> 01:19:55,722 "Gimme like 15, 20 minutes, man." 1881 01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:57,001 "Come on, man, that's too long. 1882 01:19:57,080 --> 01:19:59,003 "My flight leaves in like 10 minutes. Just pinch it. 1883 01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:00,650 "Pinch it off for me." "What the fuck? 1884 01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:02,484 "What? No, man. 1885 01:20:02,560 --> 01:20:03,641 "Ain't nobody's pinching nothing, man. 1886 01:20:03,720 --> 01:20:04,721 "Just get outta here." 1887 01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:06,290 "Kev, don't do me like that. 1888 01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:07,771 "I'm your biggest fan, man. 1889 01:20:07,840 --> 01:20:08,966 "I support everything you do. 1890 01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:10,405 "What would you do if you was me?" 1891 01:20:10,480 --> 01:20:11,891 "I would let me shit by myself, man. 1892 01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:12,961 "Just get outta here." 1893 01:20:13,040 --> 01:20:14,201 He said, "Kev, come on. 1894 01:20:14,280 --> 01:20:15,281 "You know what? 1895 01:20:15,360 --> 01:20:17,169 "This is what I'ma do, I'ma get my picture real quick. 1896 01:20:17,240 --> 01:20:19,402 "I'm just gonna put my phone over the stall, 1897 01:20:19,480 --> 01:20:21,323 "I'ma snap a picture real quick." 1898 01:20:21,400 --> 01:20:23,926 The fear that went through my body 1899 01:20:25,280 --> 01:20:28,045 of looking up and seeing a camera flash. 1900 01:20:28,560 --> 01:20:32,329 Oh, my God, I was scared because I didn't put toilet paper on the toilet seat. 1901 01:20:32,400 --> 01:20:33,401 I didn't have time. 1902 01:20:34,400 --> 01:20:37,444 I didn't want that picture to get out 'cause I didn't want my fan base to know 1903 01:20:37,560 --> 01:20:39,562 that I be raw-butting these toilet seats sometimes. 1904 01:20:43,040 --> 01:20:44,963 I said y'all gonna lose respect for me 1905 01:20:45,040 --> 01:20:48,283 if you find out that I be raw-butting these toilet seats. 1906 01:20:50,280 --> 01:20:51,964 Listen, the reason why I had to go 1907 01:20:52,040 --> 01:20:53,724 to the bathroom was because I drank coffee. 1908 01:20:53,800 --> 01:20:55,165 I don't drink coffee. 1909 01:20:55,240 --> 01:20:57,004 My lady drinks coffee. 1910 01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:58,485 She had a vanilla latte, I tasted it. 1911 01:20:58,560 --> 01:21:00,767 I said, "God damn, babe. That's good. What is that?" 1912 01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:02,080 She said, "A vanilla latte." 1913 01:21:02,160 --> 01:21:03,446 I said, "Yo, I'm gonna get me one. 1914 01:21:03,520 --> 01:21:05,329 "Where'd you get it from?" She said, "Starbucks." 1915 01:21:05,400 --> 01:21:06,765 I said, "I'm going." She said, "Babe, 1916 01:21:06,880 --> 01:21:08,689 "I should go with you 'cause you've never been." 1917 01:21:08,800 --> 01:21:10,165 "Girl, shut up. I'm grown, 1918 01:21:10,240 --> 01:21:11,446 "I'ma go by myself." 1919 01:21:11,520 --> 01:21:12,521 "No, babe, I'm serious. 1920 01:21:12,600 --> 01:21:14,409 "You don't know how it works there. Let me go with you." 1921 01:21:14,480 --> 01:21:16,209 "Girl, shut up. I'm fine." 1922 01:21:16,280 --> 01:21:19,011 I get in the car, I drive to Starbucks. 1923 01:21:19,080 --> 01:21:22,209 She keeps calling me while I'm on the way to Starbucks. 1924 01:21:22,280 --> 01:21:23,884 "You get there yet?" "You okay?" 1925 01:21:23,960 --> 01:21:24,961 "You need my help?" 1926 01:21:25,040 --> 01:21:26,485 Now I'm getting nervous. 1927 01:21:26,560 --> 01:21:27,561 Like, what the fuck is this place? 1928 01:21:27,640 --> 01:21:28,641 I'm really getting nervous. 1929 01:21:29,680 --> 01:21:32,650 I get to Starbucks, I've never seen anything like it. 1930 01:21:32,720 --> 01:21:35,291 I open the door, it's mayhem. 1931 01:21:35,360 --> 01:21:36,885 All I hear is noise. 1932 01:21:36,960 --> 01:21:38,121 "Gimme the frappe whap. 1933 01:21:38,200 --> 01:21:39,247 "Frappe whap. 1934 01:21:39,320 --> 01:21:40,890 "Frappe what, frapped lat. 1935 01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:42,365 "Frappe whap, fat lat." 1936 01:21:42,440 --> 01:21:43,965 I've never seen anything like it. 1937 01:21:44,040 --> 01:21:45,769 I'm scared. I'm in line. 1938 01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:47,649 I don't even know how I got in line, but I'm there. 1939 01:21:47,720 --> 01:21:49,210 I'm like, in the middle. 1940 01:21:49,280 --> 01:21:51,328 I'm trying to fit in, but I know I don't. 1941 01:21:51,400 --> 01:21:52,447 I'm sweating. 1942 01:21:52,520 --> 01:21:53,760 I'm next. 1943 01:21:54,000 --> 01:21:55,525 Here's what I don't like. 1944 01:21:55,600 --> 01:21:57,728 I don't like the pressure that the barista 1945 01:21:57,800 --> 01:21:59,689 put on me for not knowing the lingo. 1946 01:21:59,760 --> 01:22:02,127 It's my first time ever going to Starbucks, people. 1947 01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:03,725 My first time. 1948 01:22:03,800 --> 01:22:05,768 I'm like, "Good morning. 1949 01:22:05,840 --> 01:22:06,841 "Um... 1950 01:22:07,480 --> 01:22:09,642 "It's crowded, right? Shit. 1951 01:22:10,600 --> 01:22:13,171 "Um, what do I want? 1952 01:22:15,400 --> 01:22:16,606 "Let me get a... 1953 01:22:16,680 --> 01:22:19,650 "Let me get a vanilla lattet." 1954 01:22:21,840 --> 01:22:24,650 "I'm sorry, sir, what'd you say?" 1955 01:22:26,120 --> 01:22:27,360 "Is it... 1956 01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:30,447 "Lemme get a vanilla latex. 1957 01:22:30,520 --> 01:22:32,522 "Lattet. Let me get that." 1958 01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:36,124 "You mean latte?" "Yes, that's what I mean. 1959 01:22:36,200 --> 01:22:38,487 "Let me get a small vanilla latte." 1960 01:22:38,560 --> 01:22:41,006 "Okay, sir, that's one tall vanilla latte." 1961 01:22:41,080 --> 01:22:42,764 "No. That's not what I want. 1962 01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:45,161 "I don't want a tall, I want a small." 1963 01:22:45,240 --> 01:22:46,969 "Sir, a tall is a small." 1964 01:22:47,040 --> 01:22:48,121 "No, it's not. 1965 01:22:48,200 --> 01:22:50,009 "If that's the case, I would be tall. 1966 01:22:50,080 --> 01:22:52,765 "Tall is tall, a small is small." 1967 01:22:53,000 --> 01:22:54,650 You know what, I don't wanna cause a rut. 1968 01:22:54,720 --> 01:22:57,326 "Whatever your version of a small is, lemme get that." 1969 01:22:57,400 --> 01:22:58,447 "How would you like that, sir? 1970 01:22:58,520 --> 01:22:59,726 "Would you like that iced or hot?" 1971 01:23:01,640 --> 01:23:02,846 Fuck is going on, man? 1972 01:23:02,920 --> 01:23:04,365 What you talking about? 1973 01:23:04,440 --> 01:23:07,205 Like, when I get nervous, I just repeat shit. 1974 01:23:07,400 --> 01:23:09,767 "Would I like it iced or hot? 1975 01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:14,040 "Would I like it iced or hot? 1976 01:23:14,920 --> 01:23:16,160 "Fuck. Um... 1977 01:23:17,480 --> 01:23:18,527 "Shit. 1978 01:23:19,160 --> 01:23:20,491 "How would you get it?" 1979 01:23:20,560 --> 01:23:23,131 The lady behind me was like, "Mmm." 1980 01:23:23,200 --> 01:23:24,406 She only had one shoulder. 1981 01:23:24,520 --> 01:23:26,090 I stopped talking to her immediately. 1982 01:23:27,520 --> 01:23:29,090 I said, "Let me get it iced." 1983 01:23:29,160 --> 01:23:31,003 She said, "What'd you say?" I said, "Hot. 1984 01:23:31,080 --> 01:23:32,081 "Hot ice. Icy hot. 1985 01:23:32,160 --> 01:23:33,161 "Put it together like that. 1986 01:23:33,240 --> 01:23:35,527 "That's how I want it. That's how I drink it." 1987 01:23:35,840 --> 01:23:38,844 "Sir, would you like it whipped or blended?" 1988 01:23:42,960 --> 01:23:47,045 (SINGSONG) "Would I like it whipped or blended? 1989 01:23:47,760 --> 01:23:48,966 "Shit. 1990 01:23:50,480 --> 01:23:51,527 "Fuck. 1991 01:23:51,600 --> 01:23:54,206 "Would I like it whipped or blended? 1992 01:23:54,640 --> 01:23:56,005 (IN NORMAL VOICE) "You know what, whip it. 1993 01:23:56,600 --> 01:23:59,604 "Whip it, whip it real good. Just do that." 1994 01:24:01,000 --> 01:24:04,209 "Sir, for $2 more, do you wanna make it a skinny?" 1995 01:24:08,800 --> 01:24:10,882 "Well, you know, I ain't trying to leave with the fat bitch. 1996 01:24:10,960 --> 01:24:13,088 "Do what you gotta do, man." 1997 01:24:15,040 --> 01:24:16,929 "Sir, what kind of milk would you like? 1998 01:24:17,000 --> 01:24:19,606 "Would you like whole milk, skim milk, 2%, soy?" 1999 01:24:20,960 --> 01:24:22,883 "I didn't even know there was that many milks, man. 2000 01:24:22,960 --> 01:24:24,405 "Fuck. Shit. 2001 01:24:24,480 --> 01:24:25,720 "What, you all got the heat on? 2002 01:24:25,800 --> 01:24:28,007 "God damn, my fucking ass is sweating. 2003 01:24:28,080 --> 01:24:29,684 "Can you back up? 2004 01:24:29,760 --> 01:24:31,410 "God damn, back up! 2005 01:24:32,320 --> 01:24:34,402 "You don't see I'm trying to take this test? 2006 01:24:34,480 --> 01:24:35,606 "Shit. 2007 01:24:37,160 --> 01:24:38,969 "How many? You say there's four milks? 2008 01:24:39,040 --> 01:24:40,041 "Fuck. 2009 01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:42,168 "Put them all in there. Give me every milk you've got. 2010 01:24:42,240 --> 01:24:45,642 "I want every goddamn milk you got. Put it in there." 2011 01:24:46,440 --> 01:24:50,240 "Sir, would you like to cut it with caramel, put cinnamon on top?" 2012 01:24:53,160 --> 01:24:55,208 "You know what? I just want to cancel it. 2013 01:24:55,280 --> 01:24:57,806 "I don't even know what I have at this point. 2014 01:24:57,880 --> 01:24:59,962 "Am I getting a latte or am I baking a fucking cake? 2015 01:25:00,040 --> 01:25:01,041 "Just let me... 2016 01:25:01,120 --> 01:25:02,281 "Let me get a banana. 2017 01:25:02,360 --> 01:25:04,169 "Can I get that banana? 2018 01:25:04,240 --> 01:25:05,321 "Just put some water in my hand 2019 01:25:05,400 --> 01:25:07,084 "so I can put it on my face real quick." 2020 01:25:07,160 --> 01:25:08,764 "You want that water to be hot or cold?" 2021 01:25:08,840 --> 01:25:10,205 "What the fuck is your problem, man? 2022 01:25:10,880 --> 01:25:12,609 "God damn! Will you back up? 2023 01:25:12,680 --> 01:25:14,091 "Back up! 2024 01:25:14,160 --> 01:25:15,286 "Shit! 2025 01:25:15,360 --> 01:25:16,771 "Relax, bend your knees." 2026 01:25:17,520 --> 01:25:20,808 "I can't bend my knees because I got attacked by an orangutan." 2027 01:25:22,000 --> 01:25:23,126 The black girl popped out. 2028 01:25:23,200 --> 01:25:25,202 "Orangutan? 2029 01:25:25,640 --> 01:25:27,881 "Really?" (AUDIENCE ECHOING) 2030 01:25:28,680 --> 01:25:30,284 I'm gonna be honest with y'all. 2031 01:25:30,360 --> 01:25:32,488 I don't like people that drink Starbucks coffee. 2032 01:25:32,560 --> 01:25:33,527 I really don't. 2033 01:25:33,600 --> 01:25:35,682 Matter of fact, if you're a real Starbucks drinker 2034 01:25:35,760 --> 01:25:37,091 and you're here tonight, make some noise. 2035 01:25:37,160 --> 01:25:38,400 If you're a real Starbucks drinker. 2036 01:25:38,480 --> 01:25:40,050 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2037 01:25:40,120 --> 01:25:42,851 Okay, all of y'all can suck my balls. 2038 01:25:42,920 --> 01:25:45,810 I wanted you all to know who I was talking to. 2039 01:25:46,240 --> 01:25:48,288 Here's my question. 2040 01:25:48,960 --> 01:25:51,440 Who the fuck do you think you are? 2041 01:25:51,520 --> 01:25:52,726 Like, 2042 01:25:53,120 --> 01:25:55,248 do you hear what you order? 2043 01:25:55,320 --> 01:25:58,210 Do you hear what you're asking people to bring you back? 2044 01:25:58,280 --> 01:26:00,931 Have you ever made an innocent Starbucks run for somebody? 2045 01:26:01,000 --> 01:26:03,082 You don't even drink it, you're just being nice. 2046 01:26:03,160 --> 01:26:06,004 "Hey, man, I'm going to Starbucks real quick. I'ma get a bottle of water. 2047 01:26:06,080 --> 01:26:07,286 "Somebody want something?" 2048 01:26:07,360 --> 01:26:08,441 It's always one guy. 2049 01:26:08,520 --> 01:26:11,842 You can tell he drinks way too much coffee 'cause he got too much energy. 2050 01:26:11,920 --> 01:26:12,921 (GRUNTS) 2051 01:26:14,800 --> 01:26:17,531 "Hey! Yay! Hey-yay-yay! 2052 01:26:17,600 --> 01:26:18,681 "You going to Starbucks? 2053 01:26:18,760 --> 01:26:20,364 "You going to Starbucks? You going to Bucky's? 2054 01:26:20,440 --> 01:26:22,602 "Do me a favor, man. Let me get a, um... 2055 01:26:22,680 --> 01:26:25,081 "Let me get a caramel macchiato. 2056 01:26:25,200 --> 01:26:26,850 "Caramel macchiato. 2057 01:26:26,920 --> 01:26:28,445 "Light ice. Not heavy. 2058 01:26:28,520 --> 01:26:30,249 "If it's heavy, I'm not gonna drink it. 2059 01:26:30,320 --> 01:26:31,367 "Do me a favor. 2060 01:26:31,440 --> 01:26:33,010 "Tell 'em to put a little bit of soy in it. 2061 01:26:33,080 --> 01:26:35,890 "Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go... (SMACKS LIPS) 2062 01:26:36,000 --> 01:26:38,082 "'Oh, boy.' Okay? 2063 01:26:38,160 --> 01:26:39,161 "Three whips. 2064 01:26:39,240 --> 01:26:40,924 "Take that third whip to the top of the lip 2065 01:26:41,000 --> 01:26:43,241 "so I can take a sip, you got it? 2066 01:26:43,320 --> 01:26:45,322 "You ain't got it. I'ma say it one more time. 2067 01:26:45,760 --> 01:26:47,603 "Caramel macchiato. 2068 01:26:47,960 --> 01:26:49,200 "Caramel macchiato. 2069 01:26:49,280 --> 01:26:50,805 "Light ice. Not heavy. 2070 01:26:50,880 --> 01:26:52,564 "If it's heavy, I'm not gonna drink it. 2071 01:26:52,640 --> 01:26:53,641 "Do me a favor. 2072 01:26:53,720 --> 01:26:55,210 "Tell 'em to put a little bit of soy in it. 2073 01:26:55,280 --> 01:26:57,886 "Not a lot, just enough for me to taste it and go... (SMACKS LIPS) 2074 01:26:57,960 --> 01:26:59,200 "'Oh, boy.' Okay? 2075 01:26:59,280 --> 01:27:00,247 "Three whips. 2076 01:27:00,360 --> 01:27:01,964 "Take that third whip to the top of the lip 2077 01:27:02,040 --> 01:27:04,361 "so I can take a sip, you got it?" 2078 01:27:04,960 --> 01:27:06,405 "Let me make sure I got it. 2079 01:27:06,480 --> 01:27:08,448 "Let me say it back to you. 2080 01:27:10,160 --> 01:27:11,571 "Black coffee. Did I get it? 2081 01:27:11,640 --> 01:27:12,880 "Is it black coffee? 2082 01:27:12,960 --> 01:27:16,567 "'Cause if you think I'ma go across the street and say what you just said, 2083 01:27:16,640 --> 01:27:19,723 "you can suck the back of my dick twice on a Tuesday. 2084 01:27:19,800 --> 01:27:22,246 "Not a lot, just with a little bit of soy. 2085 01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:25,688 "Enough for you to suck my dick and go... (SMACKS LIPS) 'Oh, boy.' 2086 01:27:25,800 --> 01:27:26,926 "When you get to the top of my dick, 2087 01:27:27,000 --> 01:27:29,162 "slow down so I can know you really sucked that shit." 2088 01:27:29,240 --> 01:27:31,049 Philadelphia, my name is Kevin Hart. 2089 01:27:31,120 --> 01:27:32,406 Thank you! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2090 01:27:32,480 --> 01:27:33,606 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 2091 01:27:33,680 --> 01:27:35,011 Thank you! 2092 01:27:35,880 --> 01:27:37,803 God damn it, thank you! 2093 01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,046 I love y'all! 2094 01:27:40,120 --> 01:27:41,121 Thank you, man! 2095 01:27:41,200 --> 01:27:42,964 (AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING) 2096 01:27:43,160 --> 01:27:44,525 Thank you! 2097 01:27:45,000 --> 01:27:49,210 From the top of this goddamn stadium to the bottom, thank you! 2098 01:27:49,440 --> 01:27:50,521 I love y'all, man! 2099 01:27:55,600 --> 01:27:57,967 I'll tell you what, Philadelphia. 2100 01:27:58,040 --> 01:28:00,327 This is a fucking moment, dude. 2101 01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:01,970 This is a moment. 2102 01:28:02,040 --> 01:28:03,041 You hear me? 2103 01:28:04,320 --> 01:28:05,890 It's a moment. 2104 01:28:07,600 --> 01:28:10,570 When you look around this room tonight, what I love the most 2105 01:28:10,680 --> 01:28:15,607 is that I see every race, ethnicity, nationality possible. 2106 01:28:15,680 --> 01:28:16,920 You hear me? 2107 01:28:17,000 --> 01:28:19,162 I see some of everybody. 2108 01:28:19,240 --> 01:28:22,483 We all came under the same roof and we laughed tonight. 2109 01:28:22,560 --> 01:28:24,801 If you can laugh together, you can live together. 2110 01:28:24,880 --> 01:28:27,008 If you can live together, you can love together. 2111 01:28:27,080 --> 01:28:29,128 I live by those rules, and I'll be damned 2112 01:28:29,240 --> 01:28:31,527 if I didn't see that shit happen tonight. 2113 01:28:32,000 --> 01:28:33,445 In my city, 2114 01:28:33,520 --> 01:28:35,363 I made fucking history, goddamn it. 2115 01:28:35,440 --> 01:28:37,329 I'm in the record books, you hear me? 2116 01:28:38,800 --> 01:28:42,009 I am in the record books. 2117 01:28:42,520 --> 01:28:44,329 My name is Kevin Hart, 2118 01:28:44,400 --> 01:28:47,529 and this has been the best night of my fucking life. 2119 01:28:47,600 --> 01:28:48,647 You hear me? 2120 01:28:48,760 --> 01:28:50,000 Thank you all. 2121 01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:52,367 I appreciate you so goddamn much. 2122 01:28:52,440 --> 01:28:53,965 Good night. Peace. 2123 01:29:19,040 --> 01:29:20,201 That's a show! 2124 01:29:20,280 --> 01:29:21,281 Did you see that? 2125 01:29:21,360 --> 01:29:23,169 53,000 people! Did you feel that energy? 2126 01:29:23,240 --> 01:29:24,366 That love in the building? 2127 01:29:24,440 --> 01:29:25,487 Yes. I saw it, Kevin, you were great. 2128 01:29:25,560 --> 01:29:26,561 What's wrong? What's going on? 2129 01:29:26,600 --> 01:29:27,761 You know the man you killed? Yeah. 2130 01:29:27,880 --> 01:29:29,041 He wasn't the leader. What you talking about? 2131 01:29:29,120 --> 01:29:30,087 They're back. They're here? 2132 01:29:30,160 --> 01:29:31,446 We gotta go! Get the fuck outta here. 2133 01:29:34,880 --> 01:29:35,927 KEVIN: It's Agent 5-4. 2134 01:29:36,000 --> 01:29:37,490 I need a helicopter ASAP. 2135 01:29:37,600 --> 01:29:39,045 DISPATCHER ON RADIO: We need an ID challenge. 2136 01:29:39,120 --> 01:29:40,167 Password, please. 2137 01:29:40,640 --> 01:29:41,641 Um... 2138 01:29:42,560 --> 01:29:44,881 (SOFTLY) National Geographic titties are my favorite thing. 2139 01:29:44,960 --> 01:29:46,041 DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4. 2140 01:29:46,120 --> 01:29:47,246 You're breaking up. Please come again? 2141 01:29:47,360 --> 01:29:49,203 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Titties with no nipples on National Geographic 2142 01:29:49,320 --> 01:29:50,446 are my favorite thing to watch on TV. 2143 01:29:50,520 --> 01:29:52,329 Titties with no nipples? 2144 01:29:52,400 --> 01:29:53,640 That's your password? 2145 01:29:53,720 --> 01:29:54,846 DISPATCHER: ID confirmed, Agent 5-4. 2146 01:29:54,920 --> 01:29:56,331 Helicopter en route. Thank you. 2147 01:29:56,400 --> 01:29:58,402 We're picking up two inbound bogeys about half a mile 2148 01:29:58,480 --> 01:29:59,561 east of your location. Shit. 2149 01:29:59,640 --> 01:30:00,846 They're on our ass. 2150 01:30:01,640 --> 01:30:03,005 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2151 01:30:19,280 --> 01:30:20,486 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2152 01:30:21,160 --> 01:30:22,241 KEVIN: Oh, shit. 2153 01:30:22,320 --> 01:30:23,526 Get in. 2154 01:30:35,360 --> 01:30:36,850 So what now? 2155 01:30:38,200 --> 01:30:39,611 Now? 2156 01:30:39,680 --> 01:30:42,843 Well, now we do the same thing on a global scale. 2157 01:30:44,760 --> 01:30:48,765 I think it's time to show the world just how funny Kevin Hart is. 2158 01:30:54,360 --> 01:30:56,249 SINGER: (SCREAMING) Kevin! 161928