Original subtitles

'Now nobody's saying that Chatsworth Estate is a garden of Eden

'but it's been a good home to us - me, Frank Gallagher,

'and me kids who l'm proud of,

'cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.

'They can all think for themselves, which they've me to thank for.'

- Run! Run for it! - Leg it!

'Fiona, who's a massive help,

'Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Philip now,

'lan, a lot like his mam,

'which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air,

'and Carl - we daren't let him grow his hair

'cos it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah, and nits love it.

'Debbie - sent by God. Total angel.

'You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.

'Plus Liam - gonna be a star once we've got the fits under control.

'Steve, Fiona's boyfriend. The truth is out there... Not.

'Fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica. Lend you anything. Well, not anything.

'But all of them to a man know, first and foremost,

'one of the most vital necessities in this life

'is they know how to throw a party!

'Scatter!'

Hey, give us me bag back!

Use it or lose it, fatso!

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Fuck's sake!

(Debbie) 'l don't know why everybody thinks Christmas is such a big deal.

'What is good about the world standing still

'when the only shops open don't sell anything worth having?'

(Frank) Didn't think we had a white duvet.

(Debbie) 'lf l hear anyone trying to tell me the point of it all,

'l think l'll just punch their lights out.'

Watch it.

- What have you done now? - What do you mean, what have l done?

SHOUTlNG

'Since our family only ever got bigger,

'Christmas seemed worse every year. As far as l could see, anyway.

'The more it cost, the more everybody smiled.

'Never occurred to them that two days later, everything's half price.

'lt's fine if you can pretend the Earth has gone into hibernation

'and good things only happen in spring.'

'Not fine if you know for a fact

'that every Christmas is as boring as the last one

'cos nothing ever happens.'

The other way round.

Stop pushing and pulling.

What is clever about watching a tree dying in your living room?

She hates Christmas.

(Lip) Hurry up. Just get it in the house.

Lip, Christmas shopping.

Oi!

(Sheila) You didn't see who mugged you?

No, just a bloke. A big bloke.

Christmas and they take your wallet.

What was the Peterloo Massacre all about?

You haven't got a wallet, Frank.

No...

l'd just bought one in the pub.

Little crocodile skin.

l knew how much l had cos l'd just transferred �55 into it.

No, cos you went out with less than a tenner.

l asked you to pick us up a box of formula to practise with

in case the baby rejects me and l can't breast-feed.

And you said, ''l've only a tenner so you'll have to sub us.''

Did l?

So you'll have sent him on his way.

Have l?

Yeah, so he won't be trying that one twice, will he?

No, l dare say not.

Good, cos l've got some news for you.

My mum's gone doolally so our Karen's coming home for Christmas!

Right.

This is gonna fit Carl, innit?

No probs. l tell you what, Debbie's gonna love this.

She once borrowed one from school. Spent a week magnifying head lice.

Oh!

Oi, oi, no! Oi, not that one!

What is it?

You'll find out when Mr Santa comes.

You were never out of my sight.

- ..Or so she thought. - What shop?

- l'm saying nothing. - Oh, yeah?

Get that off.

(Come here.)

SHE LAUGHS

No, cut it out! Stop! SHE GASPS

- What are you doing down there? - l wanted to know what you got us.

Why can't you wait?

- l didn't want clothes. - You haven't got clothes.

l heard. ''Will this fit our Carl?''

A pair of earmuffs and a big, fat nappy. Downstairs!

Clothes aren't presents.

This is his fault. Stopping at his girlfriend's in Rawtenstall.

Will you shut up?

Our Barry went to Rawtenstall in 1 987. Not been seen since.

< Bloody Bermuda Triangle.

This fuel pipe's completely shagged. l'll have to send for parts.

(You're a bad man, Kev.)

Ho-ho!

- What did l tell you? - Quick, get that door!

(Here, grab these.)

(Kev) Here y'are.

(Lip) OK, are you ready?

(Kev) Yep.

Jez! Jez! Jez, come here. Come over here a minute.

(Old woman) How come you always smell of cheese and onion crisps?

Cos we always end up sitting next to you.

What's in it for me?

1 0%%% of what we take and a couple of joints.

Grass, skunk or resin?

No, lamb, pork or beef.

Hands up, anybody who's not collected their meat yet.

l know you've heard it all before,

but maybe your Christmases have all come early. Bring it in, fellas!

Half market price. Come on, girls, get your meat and your chops.

Beef!

A leg of lamb and a shoulder of pork!

Make that two of lamb.

Yes, love?

Whoa, whoa!

Who wants this pork?

(Frank) For fuck's sake, total shambles. Fucking animals.

l don't like what we've become as a nation.

Massive pressure. Massive.

People with nothing spend money they can't afford.

People with shitloads spend money they don't notice. And for what?

Little baby Jesus? ls it fuck!

Sticking money in the pockets of overpaid shites like...

..shops.

Keeping you way down the pecking order in a mountain of debt...

Do you know what the perfect Christmas is for me?

Not having to listen to bone idle, miserable, old wankers like you.

That's why l bought this.

Make way for a chronic duodenum.

Shift, shift!

With any luck you'll be dead this time next year, smelly old cunt.

Does that smell like an old lady's tush to you?

How the fuck should l know?

Ugh, you knobhead!

WOMEN CHUCKLE

Are you sure you don't mind, mate?

l'm in my element wrapping pressies.

Carl's obsessed so l can't leave them at ours.

Ah, bless him.

l tormented me mam rooting for presents

until l looked under her bed and found a kitten.

Not wrapped.

No. Oi, Kev...

show them your drinks thingy.

- Looks like an ordinary beer barrel. - OK.

(Fiona) Oh, it's champion is that.

That's what l said. Champion.

lt's what you say to kiddies when their drawing's fucking awful.

(Steve) Where did you get this?

l made it. VERONlCA LAUGHS

l did.

Slag! Mum's a slag!

HE BARKS

(Fiona) Marty?

Oh, no, Marty, not again.

lf there's a party, there's a Marty.

No, l'm on parole.

Out me way!

Jesus, Mum, look at the state of you.

Are you OK, Carol?

You will not believe this.

< Tell 'em.

Never mind me.

He's just burnt my house down.

(Fiona) Oh, my God! You're joking me, Carol.

You're disgusting.

Consenting sex is normal.

Not at your age!

There's nothing wrong with my age!

You...

(Veronica) Pack it in!

Ow!

Hey!

SHE SOBS

Why did they let you out?

Significant breakthroughs with a cognitive therapist. (BARKS)

You torched your mam's house.

l lets myself in. Surprise, surprise! Nobody in.

Nips for a leak and she's having a jump in the shower with...

HE STAMMERS

Thingy. The redhead. Eddie Singer's middle lad.

- Sean? - Sean!

You were shagging Sean Singer?

So?

He's only 20-odd.

He's a good-looking lad.

You said l were too old for him!

So l offered a cash incentive.

You paid?

- For sex? - lt wasn't put like that.

l offered an extra �50 to smarten my bathroom tiles.

The message sinks in. l'm having one of my pleasanter days

when fiery Jack turns up screaming the odds

and thick, black smoke coming up the stairs.

That's Marty's best mate.

They're not twins.

They're like twins.

Yeah, but they're not twins!

Sean Singer?

Never mind that. What about my house?

All your presents were in there.

My entire Christmas.

My whole bloody life.

Thank you(!)

DOG BARKS

There.

So we've nowhere else till the council sorts us out, have we, Pepe?

PEPE BARKS

Agh!

SHOP BELL RlNGS

Where's all the snow gone?

Me dad says it's cos your mam never paid the council tax.

Oh.

We shift more meat than this in a normal week, never mind Christmas.

What if we've overpriced it?

We always overprice it.

True.

What's up?

Can you redo the labels on these, lan? Knock 50p off everything.

We won't shift it.

There's tons of knock-off flying about.

Turkeys, beef. Sheila brought us a couple of legs of lamb round.

- How fair is that? - From who?

Dunno, but everyone's got so l don't think 50p's gonna help.

- Right, price them up at cost. - Cost plus 50p.

Cost!

Plus 25p.

lf we don't shift this by its sell-by it's gonna smell like a bloody graveyard in here!

Cost plus 25p. l'll do a sign.

(Kev) 'You torched a house, Marty. The police will be after you.'

So where did you go from the nick?

A bed and breakfast.

Sheila Jackson's.

Sheila and Frank's.

And you never set foot outside the house again.

Mm-hm.

Marty!

Yes! Hm, hm.

Bucket of spunk!

lf anyone asks, he was in his room.

What, our Karen's room?

But call it the spare room.

Veronica, the cops are round yours.

Jesus! Right. lf anyone asks, you can say Marty lodged with you. All right?

OK with that, Sheila?

Yeah, l think.

(Debbie) They'll catch him.

Hang on, what would he have done for supper if he came at three?

- (Carol) He wasn't hungry. - l wouldn't have not fed him.

Just say you fed him.

l don't want it to look bad on me. Not if l'm charging rent.

- Whatever you like, Sheila. - l'll say l gave him ham. That's very tasty.

lt is. Oh, thanks. Thanks, Sheila.

Double up and go round the back.

< Seal off both ends of t'streets.

- Jesus, Mam, they're everywhere! - God in heaven!

Find out where Marty is. Find Sheila. She don't look well.

lf she's the alibi, we'll all be on prison food.

She's bailing you out so give it a rest, Carol!

Don't talk to my mam like that.

Fuck off! This isn't our problem.

How many of your problems have l helped out with?

l can defend myself.

You can't control yourself. You wonder where Marty gets it from!

l've never burnt anything!

Well, you can't fucking cook, that's for sure!

- Sorry, kid. - Me and all.

We'll take him round to mine.

Don't talk to anyone, don't touch anything, don't offer anyone a light.

Come on. SlREN

Are they all for me?

lf they want a name, l'll tell 'em.

- l'm here! - What's your problem?

You have answers for everything.

l meant him.

Or assuming that any suggestion Kev makes is a fucking waste of time.

You need two sides of a brain that communicate.

So it's my fault l'm dyslexic?

Dyslexic my arse! You're illiterate. Admit it. Get help.

You're asking for a twatting.

Oi!

SlREN

Found one!

They're not after Marty. They're after the meat!

Oh, shit!

What am l supposed to do with this?

Lads, don't leave me.

Oi!

- And that. - l've licked that bit.

Tough.

- What am l gonna do with it? - You're not bringing it in here.

- Why are you binning it? - The meat's knock-off.

Nobody pays full price for meat.

Judging from that turnout, it must have come from an armed robbery.

(Veronica) Shit! What shall we do with it?

(Fiona) We can't chuck it in the bins.

Fuck!

Here, boy! What's this, then? What's this tasty bit of meat, then?

Just a couple of chops to go.

Come on, then.

That's it. Take it to your mam.

Steve, where have you been?

What's he doing here? There's cops everywhere.

Never mind the cops. Look.

< Bloody hell!

(Kev) lt's like Kelly's Heroes, isn't it?

(Over loudspeaker) Stay in your homes with your doors locked

and your windows closed until further notice.

Everything is under control.

Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you.

This is not a drill.

Repeat. This is not a drill.

Stay in your homes with your doors locked and your windows closed.

- Could make the nationals with this. - Get that street cordoned off. >

Everything is under control.

Please do as you're told and no harm will come to you.

lt can't be another bloody gas leak.

(Yvonne) No, l think they're filming.

Oi, is this for Corrie?

Corrie only film round here if it's a rape or a siege.

(TV) 'News coming in of a story breaking in Manchester.

''Chatsworth Estate has been sealed off by the MoD.

'We have a statement here from a spokesman for the MoD...'

What's going on here, mate?

(Radio) 'The Chatsworth Estate has been sealed off by the MoD.

'This is not a joke. lt's not April 1 st. l've got Eileen on line one.'

- 'Hiya, Justin.' - 'Hiya. You've been trying to get in.'

'Yeah. l said to the soldier, ''Me dad's lived there for 45 years,

- '''and l've never missed Christmas.''' - 'Were they helpful?'

- 'He said ''Fuck off.' Can l say that?' - 'No.'

Stan Waterman, community liaison.

- Nobody in or out. My orders. - This is my patch.

Like Afghanistan, lraq, Northern lreland and Timbuk-fucking-tu,

you can have your patch back once we've milked it dry, all right?

Me mam's in there.

That's it. Go on.

Keep going. Go on.

That's it. Piss off!

What a mug!

SlREN

Out the way!

We're responsible for social order round here. Why wasn't l informed?

Your chief constable forgot you existed. You weren't cleared.

Can we go?

- Not until l know what's going on. - OK.

Sign this.

Last night, thieves stole 200-weight of freight.

All this for knock-off?

lt happens every week. They keep the prices low, especially electricals.

The freight was all meat.

lt's Christmas. Easter, it'll be chocolate, August, it'll be sunbeds and sarongs.

The meat was on its way to an army base in Scotland.

To a defence laboratory.

One that specialises in biological warfare.

Which kind of meat do you mean?

Hinds and rinds, legs and segs, heads and innards,

with ''not for human consumption'' labels like this.

We've quarantined the area.

Oh, fuck's sake!

Mum, don't cook that lamb. Do not cook that lamb because...

Hello?

Well, where's me mum?

(Radio) 'Casualties arriving. Unit 61 5.

'One male, aged 25, and a female, 64. Married apparently.

'Large number of suspected cases in same house. Big family.

'Massive actually 1 4 kids and counting, Sarge. All cross-eyed.

'Unless that's one of the symptoms.'

- Touch it and you're dead. - This meat is the property...

The meat is mine!

Von, let them have it!

Ah!

Let them have the meat!

Fuck off! l am sick of having to compete with knock-off round here!

Come on, love, you're being daft.

- l've brought down bigger than that. - Don't corner her! lt makes her worse.

Come on, Von. You mean more to me than a bloody shop.

Let's get it cleared. SHOP BELL RlNGS

- Yes, Lillian? - A packet of fags, Yvonne.

A couple of scratchcards, but only your lucky ones.

You wouldn't have any broken biscuits?

Fetch them back, you can have 20p off.

Did you mean what you said, Kash?

Not physically, obviously, cos...

But, yeah, you mean the world to me. Of course you do.

l've just come to say that l feel a bit rough.

Yeah, you look it.

Thanks. So l'm gonna give this afternoon a miss if that's OK.

Yeah, course it is, love. See ya.

They're a bit more hammered than what l wanted.

On me, Lillian. Season's greetings.

- Did you buy any meat? - What if we did?

- We didn't know where it came from. - Have you eaten any?

(Veronica) l gave most of mine to the dogs.

They carted a load of dogs away. A couple of them were half-crippled.

< All dead. The lot of them.

From what?

l am in deep shit if they know l'm repeating this.

They made me sign Official Secrets,

but the meat was on its way from Porton Down.

l thought that were a made-up place. You know, with the rabbits?

That's Watership Down.

A defence installation. The meat was part of a war games exercise.

< lt's contaminated by team A, then sent for analysis to team B

who have 24 hours to work out what's in it, but it never arrived.

Contaminated with what?

Nobody knows until they get team A back from Christmas leave.

How long's that gonna take?

Have any of you eaten it?

- Er, you have. - l had no appetite.

No, you wolfed the lot down.

l never.

l watched you. You were licking the plate while you did the washing up.

< Well, so far, we've had two human fatalities

and 1 2 people have gone down poorly.

The symptoms to watch for are nosebleeds and stomach pains. Colicky stomach pains.

They've set up a field hospital at the junior school.

Everybody's gonna have to give a blood sample.

You all need testing now.

A question. ls anyone out there mentioning my name?

- What's your name? - Marty Fisher.

No. HE SNORTS

lan!

He's still at work.

He's put himself to bed, said he was feeling a bit rough.

Do you know what's going on?

They're after the meat. Where is it?

No-one should eat it. lt's not for human consumption.

Where's all the meat, Jez?

They've cleaned me out.

Get it up, Felix. Save some room for your pudding.

All right. Thank you. Got darts coming up so we've gotta clear up.

(Man) That's my bloody dinner!

(Kev) How's your Kevin?

(Woman) What's your game? That's our dinner, that is. l've paid for that.

l need to see your kitchens.

- Not without a warrant. - Only speak if you don't need your face.

All right, Felix?

All right, me old mate?

He has to be in a hospital. A proper hospital.

- (Doctor) We can't break the quarantine. - He's burning up.

(Doctor) We'll get his temperature down. We'll keep him supervised.

What good is saline?

- We haven't identified the contamination. - You put it there, so what's in it?

(Doctor) Where have you heard that?

lt's just a rumour someone started.

lan, l need your arm. l need to take a blood sample.

A small sting. l'll be as gentle as l can.

Just form an orderly queue.

Jesus, Peebles, it's like a worn-out gene pool.

None of the women comb their hair at the back. ls that a religious thing?

l'm not sure, sir. l'll find out, sir.

Oh, little men dressed in brief authority.

Eh?

1 9th century. Shakespeare. Plus other stuff, so don't think you're hard.

Never poke your cousin if you can't find a cardigan with three sleeves. Socrates, 400BC.

You didn't know that.

Or you.

Somebody must have poked a bloody goat to come up with that one.

Sir.

(Frank) Vernon Francis Gallagher.

Vernons as in Pools, though l've never won a fucking bean.

l used to be a blood donor, but l got addicted.

Out with the old, in with the new.

lt's quite seductive in a way, don't you think?

So are you taking any regular medication at all, Sheila?

As a matter of fact, l am.

(Frank) l had BCG in the third year. l'm still having nightmares.

Passed out. Woke up colour-blind.

Can't tell the difference between dextrine and Nurofen

so bastards take advantage.

You are not coming near me with that.

Ow!

Fat cunt. On the plus side, l've got 20/20 vision so...

HE MUMBLES

(Steve) lf it's not airborne, why can't we leave the estate?

Christmas isn't a good time to send people off kissing their relatives.

What's lan's blood tests saying?

Nothing helpful, but believe me, none of us want to be here either.

The only mortalities have occurred

in people with diabetes or high blood pressure.

lan's 1 5, no medical complications. That's all l can say for sure.

We won't say you said.

Ah!

Mam!

(Marty) What's up with her? (Veronica) lt's not fucking flu, is it?

Pepe!

lf you let this happen, we're finished.

SHE SOBS

(Carol) Swear to me you won't cut him open!

SHE WAlLS

Pepe!

You! You fucking...

Hang on, Stan.

He caused all this. Him! That's where l got the meat from.

A fiver for a shoulder of lamb. Worth it, was it, Kev?

Nice little wedge?

Help us out, Lip.

Little shit.

SHOUTlNG

Come here! >

Bring him in.

Sir.

Merry fucking Christmas!

TO Y SQUEAKS

Sorry, Mam.

Yes, l know, cos you caused this.

MARTY BARKS

l've been sent down three times. When did you cry for me?

Apart from worms and diarrhoea, when did Pepe ever let me down?

He's got a brain this big.

What difference does that make

when the brain you've got is wired like an old Allegro?

< l don't care how little you made.

We need to know whether any of it was sold outside the community.

Well, not sold, but l took a rack of lamb round my Aunty Pat's in Denton.

Address? ls she likely to have shared it with anyone else?

Pat? No way.

Only thing she's given anyone in 50 years is herpes.

Come here! You're a fucking liar cos everyone round here knows it was you.

Fine. OK. Me. Me and Lip but not cos we knew what it was.

- So? - We just thought it was fucking meat!

Where's the money?

- You're wearing most of it. - What?

How much do you think lace crotchless panties cost me?

Right, that's the last beef curtain you'll be seeing in a long time.

Where's the rest of it?

This money's got blood on it.

You're in deep shit and everybody wants you dead, Kev.

This is all your fault, twisted shit!

Yeah, l know. Everything is.

Pepe, (BARKS), Arndale Centre, crucifixion, miners strike.

Fine, bring it on!

Can l get you anything?

l could skin up, if it'll help.

No.

lan, l'm really sorry. This is my fault.

The meat. lt was me, me and Kev. We ripped a lorry off on the bypass.

HE SlGHS

Well...

lt was just for a laugh.

l promise you, we're gonna get you to a proper hospital.

l don't care what l have to do.

l'd do anything for you not to be laid here like this.

Sorry.

(Radio) 'Breaker in sector nine coming over the roof.'

Whoa! Keep walking. Just keep walking. No, not towards me, darling. The other way.

How old are you, Debbie?

1 1 . Well, 1 1 if you ask my dad, 1 2, if you ask my mum.

- Where were you going? - Shopping.

At 01 .25?

The Trafford Centre's open all night and they're laying free buses on.

l've six presents still to buy.

You were leaving a restricted zone.

You've lied to my officers and you're lying to me.

OK, l've five presents to buy.

l'll give Carl something l got last year, but it still looks new.

He loves driving, but everyone round here keeps the batteries dead.

A pair of jump leads.

- Please, can somebody help me out here? - Yes, sir. l'm from round these parts.

Are you playing maisonette?

No, pontoon.

lt's maisonette. When you turn 21 , that's what you get off the council.

THEY LAUGH

There's three cameras covering the Causeway,

two monitoring Denver Road and 3,000 soldiers on Plymouth Street.

- Come on, Debbie. - About 1 00. But at least 1 00.

They didn't shove you around?

No, l got a tuna salad and l won �5 on maisonette.

(Fiona) Did you get anything or not?

Yes!

They don't have normal number plates.

(Steve) Let's get lan out as fast as possible. lf we spread out, we'll find the vehicle faster.

Lip, take Kev with you. Keep his face covered.

Marty, you go with them.

Fiona, tell lan what's happening.

Oh! Oh! Oh, dear! Oh!

Sheila?

Oh, it's OK. He just kicked.

- He? You know it's a boy? - Oh, God, that's supposed to be a big secret.

Now, nice deep breaths.

Mam, brandy.

Don't tell your dad. lt's a surprise.

(Debbie) Have you got a name for him?

Yeah...if l ever get that far.

(Fiona) Oh, don't talk like that, Sheila.

What if l've passed something on to him through the meat?

Ah, ah, ah! Ah!

SHE GROANS

Bucket biff!

According to Conrad, the meat's come from Al-Qaeda

and if they scan the bar code, it comes up in Arabic.

l'm not being a racist but they're a fucking nightmare, that lot.

- One more. - No!

One more, Jez. Please.

No, four units each otherwise we'll be dry by tomorrow.

Hello! lf you name your price, you could shift the lot tonight.

Hello! lf l ration it, l could name twice my price tomorrow.

Robbing bitch.

On your way!

(Barmaid) All right. l said l'm coming.

- One little bottle to be going on with. - Oh!

(Barmaid) There you go!

SHOUTlNG

- (Fiona) Kash, l need to speak to your mum. - Where's your lan?

They're rationing the booze at the pub. l've stuck a quid on everything.

l can say it out loud. Form a queue or you're getting fuck all!

- (Woman) Cheery-bye. - Merry Christmas, love.

- Where's your mum? - Upstairs with the kids. Why?

Sheila's gone into labour, plus lan's in a right state.

Can somebody change the wallpaper? lt's doing my head in!

You're really hurting my hand.

Sheila, this is Umi.

lt's OK, Sheila. Keep calm.

She's a midwife.

She's not just saying that?

- Why would l say it if it wasn't true? - l don't know!

Don't push. Just breathe round it.

l had a dentist once who turned out to be a brickie. So, l'm a bit phobic.

Stop pushing!

(Soldier) Look, just keep back like l said.

lf l don't get this giro cashed, l can't feed my kids.

Why didn't you cash it last week?

lt's not in my name. l've had to work on the signature.

Cheers! Starving children and you're not gonna let me through.

You, too, as well, mate.

(Kev) lt'll be all right. lt'll be all right. Stay cool.

We're just having a look, mate.

lt's there!

- Fuck's sake! That's hopeless. - l know.

l can't believe it's on the wrong side of the fucking fence.

Lip?

What's going on?

- Your mum's gone into labour. - Let me through.

Nobody in or out.

l want my mum!

lt's for your own safety.

(Lip) Karen!

(Hippy Pete) l didn't say Swindon. l said Swinton.

l said you're going nowhere. No-one leaves until the blood tests are cleared.

- We're all vegetarians. - We're not, are we?

No, son, and neither's the other 1 00 over there.

Cheers, Clinton. What are you like?

My real dad.

Oh!

Has it got warmer or is it just me?

l think it's dropping, to be honest.

l think it's all the tension.

Oh!

(Soldier) Colchester's all right.

Anywhere's lonely at Christmas doing this job, you know what l mean?

lt's better than Basra. l was glad to get out of there. A right dump.

lt's a right dump now, innit? Mind you, it's not as bad as round here.

(Radio talkback) 'Corporal Pollack?'

Oh, sorry, babes.

Speak to you later on, all right?

All right.

Come on, let's get him. We can be at St George's in ten minutes.

l'll keep it running in case we have to shift it.

All right.

Stan, l've found him.

- Are you all right, sweetheart? - No, l feel sick.

We all do. l've got an old wheelchair next door.

That's all right. Just get those undone..

Shit! Kev!

Steve, Sheila needs you.

(Steve) Put him back to bed and find a medic.

Fuck off!

SHOUTlNG

That was my mother, you twat!

lt wasn't me. For fuck's sake!

- Right. - What are you doing?

Calm down! What good is this doing anyone?

Well, you watch, all right?

Oi! Back off or one of you's getting this!

Get off it.

Look what he's done - people dropping like fucking flies!

Why aren't you blaming the Army?

We didn't buy it off the Army.

We didn't load it with anthrax.

Anthrax?

Are you serious?

The Army put it there. Ask him.

Me? Why me?

For fuck's sake, none of this is down to us. Ask him.

Will you listen, right?

The lad's right. Nearly right.

lt's got a lot more to do with the Army than this lot.

(Hippy Pete) Deliberately?

The Army's the only place you're gonna get a vaccine. Tell 'em, Tony!

They said there wasn't one.

They're bullshitting.

What do you know, Gallagher?

What if they're just waiting to see what happens, eh?

So there is a vaccine?

He's telling you what we think and we know more than most.

Oh, fuck!

(Hippy Pete) Come on! Come on!

This is our estate, not yours.

Giving us anthrax! We'll give you anthrax!

This is the Chatsworth Estate and we're taking it back!

We've had enough of the Army and the police coming down here!

lt's a redemption zone! Jah Rastafari!

Give me a consonant.

- C. - Give me a vowel.

- U. - Give me another consonant.

N.

- How can we get lan out now? - Dunno, Lip. ls nobody with him?

l'll go up.

Give me another consonant, Carol!

T.

(Veronica) Are you all right? lf you throw up, l can't help you.

l want Frank!

Life under President Blair.

(Over loudspeaker) Please, all return to your homes.

Get out of it!

(Over loudspeaker) The situation is under control.

(Hippy Pete) Take him to the White House.

We're not having you on this estate any more.

We've heard it straight from the fucking horse's mouth!

You know a lot more than you're telling us. We've had enough.

You know why they call it fatigues? Cos we're sick of the fucking sight of you!

ALL CHEER

Stopping vital deliveries.

ALL CHEER

While the rest of us just...

..you know, thingy?

Baby Jesus!

Well, l've been on the blower to Brussels and you're all sacked!

Who threw that? Oi, you!

Will you please just shut the fuck up?

While you've been making your lives a lot more difficult

for yourselves and the rest of us,

people have been working round the clock to find the solution.

The contamination has been identified.

Vaccines are already being administered to high-priority cases.

They'll be with you as soon as possible, but until they arrive,

will you please continue to just shut the fuck up?

l don't like his tone.

(Frank) Guantanamo Bay.

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

(Corporal) lan, l have to do this. lt takes less than a minute, if you keep still.

lan, he knows what he's doing.

l don't care. Fuck off!

Pin him down. Kev!

lt's pretty heavy. lt'll hurt when it goes in a bit. A bit of a dead leg.

But l promise you, it's effective.

(Lip) Oh.

HE SCREAMS

Ah, you fucking bastard!

Ah!

Keep his leg moving and it'll circulate it. He'll be fine.

- Honestly? - Just keep his leg moving.

lan, mate, l can't tell you how sorry l am.

Well, you can, Kev. Try.

(Carl) Have you got any more pans?

Shit.

(Fiona) Shit! What now?

Have we got any fuse wire?

(Sheila) Give us another consonant.

L.

(Debbie) What are you boiling water for?

Mother of God!

You only do that when you're getting a contraction.

Oh, yeah, sorry. l'm all over the place, aren't l?

Give us a couple of vowels.

A. l.

You're getting one now.

- Boy or girl? - You said it was a boy.

Oh, yeah.

l meant a contraction. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 .

SHE GROANS

Come on, Sheila!

LUNATlC!

l've never had seven letters before!

ALL LAUGH

DOORBELL

(Umi) That's it, Sheila.

lt wasn't for nothing.

lt's a boy! You have a son.

(Fiona) He's beautiful.

Oh, Jesus, is that what they come out looking like?

Mine were a bit smoother than that. No offence, Sheila. Congratulations.

Oh!

(Carol) Where's Frank, anyway?

Slag!

CHOlR SlNGS

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Bombs on planes and contaminated meat at...

You know, thingy? Little baby Jesus. lt's fucking ridiculous.

Who suffers?

The likes of us. That's who.

What have we done wrong? Just fixed the odd meter and rung the odd car.

Call 'em all you want. lf they all went on strike, we'd be legless.

You know, shops, hospitals, the entire fucking transport system.

lf every immigrant on this sceptred isle

downed tools for one day - one day -

we'd come to a total fucking standstill.

Then they'd really have us by the balls.

Don't let that go giving you any ideas, Gandhi,

otherwise, you know, we'll have, er, whatshisname.

You know, Kilroy on your doorstep, pestering you for the vote.

Yak, yak, fucking yak.

Nightmare.

Shouldn't you be lying down?

No.

l don't wanna be in here any more. Medic said l should stretch my legs.

How come you never phoned me?

l was too tired. l couldn't be fucked.

Look, if l'm in the way between you and Yvonne, just say so.

Yvonne has been good to us. We should be grateful.

Me, for the kids.

You, for the wages.

The pair of us, cos she never put out a gay-bashing fatwa.

She could have ended all this and she ain't.

She's far from perfect, but neither are we.

What did you get me for Christmas?

Slippers with built-in headlamps.

- Fuck off! - What did you get me?

A penis enlarger.

- Same goes for you. - Me?

Yeah, l don't like your bathroom.

- Well, stay out of it, then. - Leave him alone. He's tanked.

Who let him get like that?

(Lip) She did! (Veronica) We're celebrating you're not dead.

Carl, drink this.

And you, you robbing bastard!

- Cut it out! - How much is a Twix?

- (Kash) 49p. - And a quarter of midget gems?

28p.

So how much does it come to?

(lan) Carl, l'm warning you.

77 p.

No, it's 77.

l said 77 p.

Did you?

OK, sorry. Sorry, Kash. l love your shop and your daughter is a stunner.

(Vicar) 'Will you, Carl Francis Gallagher, take Meena Karib to be your wife?

'Would you love her, cherish her...'

Frank!

lt's Nigel.

- Little Nigel. - ls it?

Where the bloody hell have you been?

A couple of riots, the pub.

Where's Nigel come from?

Little Nigel.

Little Delia.

What is it?

(Umi) lt's OK, Frank. lt is a boy.

What now? What's happening to her?

l don't know. Sheila, the baby's here.

lt's twins!

Mind your backs. Here comes Delia!

lt's a surprise for Frank. Where are you, Frank? lt's a surprise.

(Soldier) Right, next.

You're not shoving that down me till l know what's in it.

lt's just an antibiotic coagulant in a zinc-phosphate-based emulsion.

Right you are.

Actually, l think l've had this one before.

- They're here. Fiona's here. - Quick, quick.

ALL CHEER

That's mine. l know that's mine! Here y'are.

You've done well there, Frank.

Get fucked, tosser.

BABlES CRY

Hiya.

(All) Yeah!

What's that?

Right, who's next?

(Lip) Come on, Carl. (Debbie) Hurry up.

(Lip) Whoa!

Cheers, Fiona.

(Lip) Open it up. What have you got?

Whoa! A microscope!

HE LAUGHS

An arse and face towel. Thanks a lot.

(Fiona) Arse face!

(Steve) Quick, lan.

(Carl) Who's that off, lan?

lt's from Kash and Yvonne.

No way!

(Fiona) Are you employee of the month?

(lan) What are you on about?

Hope you like it.

(Wow!)

ALL CHEER

(Lip) That were a good one, that.

Happy Christmas!

(Debbie) Hurry up.

Happy Christmas. What did you get? Let's have a look what you got.

Hey, happy Christmas.

Did you see Santa?

lt's open.

Can l share your mirror? They're really bugging me.

Thanks for the present.

lt suits you.

Did you like yours?

Yeah.

Look, l know why you never enjoy this time of year.

Cos...Christmas is when Mum left.

So?

Not that?

No.

Cos Christmas is when Dad first got sent down?

No.

Cos it's when you got expelled from St Ellen's?

Big deal!

What's with the face?

l've started my periods.

- When? - Last night.

- You're too young. - l'm not the first in our year.

Why didn't you come to me?

l told Yvonne in the shop.

Rather than me?

l had to buy...stuff.

Never apologise for the anger.

Feel it in your womb and use it otherwise you'll go bleeding nuts.

DOORBELL RlNGS You, out! You're barred!

Anyway, you were busy.

l am never too busy to talk to you. You can come to me with anything.

l'm way too old for that microscope.

lf l can persuade Carl it's worth double what you paid,

would you be offended if l had his jacket?

No. Yeah! He loves that jacket.

Yeah, but not if l told him he looks a bit gay.

OK. Don't wipe the floor with him.

l'll make him think it's his idea.

Oh!

Oi! l asked you to keep an eye on the veg, not plan the next bonfire!

All right, b-i-n.

Just listen to the sounds, mate. B-i-n.

Banana?

Jesus, no! Just listen to the sounds, Kev!

Losing your rag won't help, will it? Just makes me feel like a prick.

l'm sorry, Kev. Let's just start from the beginning.

l'm going to get more beers.

Will someone make sure l'm not sitting next to him?

l tried giving him lessons.

l gave him an hour, then l said my friend had died so l had to go home.

Lip, lan...

Give us a hand.

That's Delia. That's Nigel.

Why, what do you need?

Trestle.

Go and fetch a trestle table from ours, then get Veronica's chairs.

- (Lip) How many are we? - Too many.

- 1 2. - 1 3.

- Dad's not hungry. - You'll be joining us, won't you?

Get fucked.

No, l'm not having that.

A proud, new father.

Get Frank a chair. Centre table.

Where you belong, darling.

Debbie, go and see if you can find Dad something decent to wear.

(Both) Not from my room.

You're filthy.

For what we are about to receive,

may the Lord, our God, make us a little bit more thankful

than we might otherwise have been.

May he grant us wealth and peace and happiness...and wealth,

plus thanks for Pepe's resurrection.

(Vicar) ln the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Amen.

We trusted our dearly beloved brother to God's merciful...

DOG BARKS

..What?

(Carol) You heard me, oh Lord, in my hour of need,

crying like a baby for my baby.

(Frank) For fuck's sake.

We're not religious.

l'm not finished.

No wonder you're all plagued by misfortune.

Thanks all the more for bringing me and Marty back together.

For uniting my babies at this special time

with these special people.

lf you do your best for peace and wealth, l'll work my socks off for you. Amen.

(All) Amen.

Come on, let's eat! Happy Christmas!

(Lip) Kev, have a pull on that.

LAUGHTER

(Steve) Oh, here we go.

For fuck's sake, Frank!

What?

l think you've had enough.

Oh, no truer word said.

Too right.

Cos as soon as the doctor's is open, l am having the snip.

No, Frank!

Oh, fucking yes!

Talk about taking it up the shitter.

Eight kids on half a wage.

What's that if it's not a total fucking shambles?

Oh, come on, Frank!

Starter for ten. No conferring.

Queens, can you take it?

What's David Carradine all about if you learn fuck all, eh?

Where's the Grasshopper now, Frank?

Snip, snip, fucking snip!

Oh!

Frozen chips, triple-A batteries, drinking chocolate...

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