All language subtitles for Basebolondok.1998.HUN.720p.BluRay.x264-TOXI_track4_eng

Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie Jackson having
an incredible night.

Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,

and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.

Reggie! Reggie!

And just listen to that crowd.

Reggie! Reggie!

Reggie! Reggie! Reggie!

Come on, Reggie!
Hit another one!

Hit another home run!

Coop, he's already hit two.

It's a fly ball
to right, and deep.

That's going to be way back.

And that's going to be gone!
Yeah!

Reggie Jackson hits his
third home run of the game.

Whoo! All right!

Good catch, Coop.
I can't believe it.

I mean, I totally had it,
but my glasses slipped.

You know what, Remer,

someday I'm going to become

a big sports star, too.

Whatever you say, Coop.

You just watch me, dude.
You just watch me.

There was a time in America

when contests of
athletic prowess

were a metaphor for
the nobility of man.

Historic moments, forged
by the love of the game,

celebrated the human potential
to achieve excellence.

But as time passed and the
country neared the millennium,

something went awry.

- Manning rolls right.
- He's got to plow to the ten,

the five... Touchdown Dallas!

The ideal of sportsmanship

began to take a back seat
to excessive celebration.

The athletes caring less
about executing the play

than planning
the vulgar grandstanding

that inevitably followed even the
most pedestrian of accomplishments.

The games themselves became
subordinate to the quest for money.

Stadiums and arenas

became nothing more
than giant billboards

to promote commercial products.

Players sold their services
to the highest bidder,

much like the hired guns
of the Old West.

Thank you. And after playing
for New England,

San Diego, Houston, St. Louis, a
year for the Toronto Argonauts,

plus one season as a greeter
at the Desert Inn,

I'm happy to finally play here
in the fine city of Miami.

Minnesota.

Whatever. Shit.

Soon it was commonplace for
entire teams to change cities

in search of greater profits.

The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los
Angeles, where there are no lakes.

The Oilers moved to Tennessee,
where there is no oil.

The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City,
where they don't allow music.

The Oakland Raiders moved to
LA, and then back to Oakland.

No one in Los Angeles
seemed to notice.

The search for greener
pastures went on unabated.

Continued expansion
diluted the talent pool,

forcing owners
to recruit heavily

from prisons, mental
institutions and Texas.

Fist fighting and brawling
permeated every sport,

overshadowing any
athletic competition.

As the problems mounted,

the fans became less
and less interested.

To reverse the trend, major
sports started inter-league play.

When that novelty wore off,
they tried inter-sports play.

But no matter how far
the major sports went,

it wasn't enough
to bring the fans back.

The spirit of athletic
competition, however,

indeed was not dead.

Its seed merely lay dormant
in the dreams of the young.

You know, Remer, someday I'm
going to be a big sports star.

You know, Remer, someday I'm
going to own a big sports bar.

Hurry it up, Coop.

Hold on. I just got
to water the plants.

I don't want to go to a party with a
bunch of losers from high school.

But, dude, this is
Brittany Kaiser's house,

and I really,
really want to fuck her.

Dr. Kaiser.
Dr. Kaiser.

Coop and Remer.

We graduated with Brittany.

You graduated?

Of course we graduated,
cock. Beer?

Man, this place looks like
a Dockers commercial.

Oh, hey, Steph!
Coop! Remer!

Hey, you want a beer?
Oh, my God!

You guys haven't
changed since high school.

Oh, cool.
No, it isn't.

Cock.

Hey, Skidmark Steve! Oh, cool.
Hey, dude!

You still just hanging out,
playing Nintendo?

Well, if you must know, I'm in
my second year of med school

and I'm training
for the Summer Games.

What are you two up to?
Just hanging out.

Playing Nintendo.
Cock.

So, you looking forward
to getting out of here?

Yeah, I'm all packed.
It should be fun.

Hi, Brittany.

Coop, Remer.

I didn't think
you guys would show up.

Well, we wouldn't miss your party.
No, I mean...

I don't remember putting you
on the guest list. Huh.

Well, uh, Ted told us about it.

Excuse me.

Ted, why would you tell
those losers about my party?

I... I didn't...
What are you doing?

Man, this party sucks.
Let's bail.

No, dude. Let's go up
to Brittany's room.

Remer! Come in here.

Check it out.

Brittany's underwear, dude.

Oh, dude.

Dude! Dude! Dude! Oh!

Oh, I am so jealous of you.

Oh, God!

Excuse me.
Brittany.

What are you guys doing
in my mom's room?

Aw!

Aw! Aw! Aw!

Get out of here!
Uh...

Oh, geez!
Ugh...

Uh... Derp!

Dude, we're never going to get a
chick like Brittany Kaiser, are we?

Or any other chick.

But it's only 'cause
we have no jobs,

and our rent check's
three months overdue,

and our gas is
about to get shut off.

What do girls want anyway?

Well, apparently,
not total losers.

We're pretty good at basketball.

Yeah, as long as we don't have to
run or jump or dribble or nothing.

You know what I mean?

That shit's overrated anyway.
Yeah.

Hey!

You guys up for a little game?
Sure.

Well, let's make it interesting.

Say 20 bucks?

How about 50?

- You're on. Let's go.
- Let's go, here we go.

Dude, we don't have 50 bucks.

We don't have 20.

Look, it doesn't matter.
How good can they be?

To the lane, baby!
That's pretty!

Oh!
Come here, baby.

Oh, shit!

Alley-oop! Alley-oop!
Yeah! All right!

Come on, ladies.
We playing or not?

Yeah, but not that pussy ass two-on-two
you guys play in the suburbs.

What, you guys got
something better?

Yeah, but it's this new game
we picked up in the hood.

So, what is it?
Okay. Okay.

I shoot from
wherever I want, right?

And then you have to make that same
shot or else you get a letter.

You mean like Horse?

No! It's not
like Horse!

Duh. It's, uh...

It's baseball rules.

Yeah.

Like, a single's from
the free throw line.

Right. And a double's
from the top of the key.

You can't shoot from
the same place twice.

A triple's from back here, and a home
run's from behind the meatballs.

You miss, you get an out.
Ready? Break!

Whoa. What? We can
explain it more slowly

if you need us to. You're
not big sports guys?

No, no. No, no, no. We get it.
We get it, man.

Losers up first.

So, what, let me get this straight.
This is a single, right?

Yeah, and a home run's
behind the meatballs.

Come on, take your shot, guy.

What is that, man?
Oh, that's one out.

You can't spit beer at me
when I'm shooting.

That's the way
we play in the hood.

I can do whatever I want
to make you miss your shot.

He's right. That's one out.
One out.

One out?

Give me the damn ball!

I fucked your sister.
Huh?

Coop lines up for a double.
Okay, guys, second and third.

Coop's got a runner on third.
This could bring him home.

Yes! Two outs!
God, this is...

Come on!

- Ted Nugent.
- Oh!

Oh! Tip-in. Double play.
That's three outs.

What?
We're up.

That's a double play, jackass.

That's nice.
Real nice.

Bottom of the eighth.
This could almost seal it.

Oh, he made that look easy.

Damn it!
Come on, man! What...

Oh, one of Brittany's
mom's pubic hairs.

Oh, God!

Come on, man!
Dude, we win the game!

Dude, that was a sweet psyche out.
Oh, dude, here's another one.

Oh, come here. What the
hell's up with that?

We win, and they get the chicks.
That sucks, dude.

Dude, I'm telling you, it's jobs.
We got to get jobs.

Then we get the khakis.
Then we get the chicks.

Starting tomorrow, we got
to stop playing games.

Miss it.
Steve Perry.

Steve Perry.

Yes! Three outs. I'm up.

All right. It's the
bottom of the fifth.

Joseph R. Cooper?

That's a single.
Man on first.

Are you Joe Cooper?

Cut the crap, Squeak.
You know who I am.

Gentlemen, this form authorizes
me to enter onto your property

and terminate services forthwith

until all delinquent payments
have been generated.

What? Dude, he's here
to shut off the gas.

Squeak, dude, you work
for the gas company now?

Gentlemen... Double! Guy
on second and third.

Is your canine locked up and/or
safely secured within your domicile?

Uh, yeah. He's at the vet
getting his claws removed.

Then if you'll excuse me.

Dude, does it
just suck being you?

I'll show those guys what sucks.

Steve Perry.
Steve Perry.

I should have been gone

- Oh, yeah, he misses.
- Oh, damn it.

You said no more
Journey psyche outs.

Dude, I'm running out of ideas.

It should be easier than that...

That's why we have
this little short shot

from over here. Short shot.
Kind of like a bunt.

Exactly, it doesn't put any
runners on base. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a sweet idea.

You lied to me!
Again!

Oh, right. I guess the dog's vet
appointment's tomorrow, isn't it?

We took the cat in today.
Honest mistake, Squeak. Sorry.

My name's not Squeak!
All right? It's Kenny!

All right, all right,
all right, you little bitch.

Here, why don't you take a shot.

I don't want to take a shot.
I want to turn off your gas.

And don't call me bitch.

Okay. Squeak.
Let's just shoot for it.

Shoot for it?
What, are you insane?

This is my job, you assholes.

Look, it's a good deal.

All you got to do is make
a single from right here

and you can shut off our gas, and
we'll never call you Squeak again.

Or bitch.

Or bitch.
Or bitch.

- From right here?
- Mmm-hmm.

All right.
Check this shit out.

Steve Perry.
Huh?

Tough break, Squeak.

Now you got to fetch
the ball, bitch.

Come on, Squeak! We can win
the game with this one, baby.

Bring me home.

- Yes! That's it!
- We win the game!

Dude, we got five
runs that inning.

You know,
this game is pretty badass.

All right.
Another game? You're up.

Top of the first.

Yo, Tyler. I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak.

What? Oh!

Mark me down for another
psyche out. Hey.

I'm not going out
with his sister.

Dude, that's the defense.
You got to psyche them out!

Yeah, we've got to say
totally fucked up shit

to make sure
the other guy misses.

Oh, right. Okay.

Hey, wait a minute!

Why is me going out with his
sister totally fucked up?

Yo, Pierce. I hear your mom
is going out with Squeak!

Whoa!

Oh, yes!
Two outs!

Okay, so you're going to owe
one-twelfth of the rent,

one-twelfth of the water bill,
one-twelfth of the power bill,

one-twelfth of the cable bill...
Dude! Check it out.

What's that?
It's a BASEketball.

Whoa, dude, you made a ball?
Out of what?

Dude, I can't believe
those asswipes fired you

for not shutting off
our gas for six weeks.

It was losing the truck that
pissed them off the most.

Well, you can camp
out here for a while.

Well, this is pretty sweet.

Does this couch
fold out to a bed?

Yeah, a totally great bed.
But that's Jenkins' bed.

Your bed's over here.

Dude, that is so fucking weak!

How am I supposed
to get a chick in that?

Oh, don't worry, dude.
You couldn't get a chick

if you had a hundred dollar bill
hanging out of your zipper.

Yeah, I could. No, dude.
You're a little bitch.

I am not!

I don't even know why I
hang out with you guys.

'Cause you're a piece of shit.
I am not a piece of shit!

Well, yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Sure are.

God damn it, man! I swear, you guys
rip on me 13 or 14 more times,

I'm out of here!

Yeah, whatever. Dude, I got to
show you this scoreboard I made.

Your place is a shithole anyway!

Well, at least I'm on the team.

Yeah. They want me...

Joe Bryant, WIGN.

At the scene where an
unusual new driveway game

has captured the imagination of
at least one neighborhood...

The young and old
have gathered here tonight,

really enjoying
this championship game...

An entire league has sprung
up around this quirky...

The round robin, starting with 12
teams in June, now down to just two,

including, we're told, the inventors
of the game, childhood friends...

It's off the rim,
could be a double play.

Maxwell tips...

Newman's try...

No! Shirts have a shot
at the conversion.

Remer...

Keeps it alive.

Last chance.

Coop up...

Good! They make
the conversion!

And the home run counts!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

What a game!

The Shirts win the World
Championship of BASEketball!

Yeah!

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, I'm Ted Denslow.

Ted Denslow, the billionaire?
Yes.

Anyway, I like your little game here.
How'd you like to go pro?

BASEketball?

I got three words for you,
National BASEketball League.

We're not interested. Now, wait a minute.
Hear me out.

Now, you kids with your loud
music and your Dan Fogelberg,

your Zima hula hoops
and Pac Man video games,

don't you see?

People today
have attention spans

that can only be measured
in nanoseconds.

I hear you.

Just look at these people.

Whoa!

I can see they feel...
Way to go, Coop.

...a certain connection
with you as players.

BASEketball, we can start fresh.

Not allow teams to change
cities or players to be traded.

And everybody will
get paid the same!

Just like when I was a kid, and
players were treated like, like...

Indentured servants?

Yes! And the real beauty of
this game is anyone can play.

Any normal Joe
can be a sports hero.

Haven't you ever wanted
to be a sports hero?

Sure, once. But that
was a long time ago.

Well, if I know anything
about this country,

America will go nuts
for BASEketball!

I mean America will go
crazy for BASEketball!

Help! Oh my God!

Yes! There! Just listen to that crowd!
Listen to that crowd!

Call an ambulance!

I say she never cared
and that she never will

To do it all again, I guess
I'll have to wait until then

If I get drunk, well, the
better I'll understand my baby

You won't bother me no more

And if you're drinkin', well, you know
that you're my friend, and I'll say

I think I'll have myself a beer

Ninth inning, the Beers still
behind by 3 runs, and now

down to their last out.

And the pressure on these
players has got to be enormous.

All right, you guys,
we've got one out left.

We're not beat yet,
we can still win this thing.

- Can we do it?
- Yeah!

- Can we do it?
- Yeah!

And what a game
these fans are seeing.

That gentleman, of course,
Beers owner Ted Denslow,

the father of
professional BASEketball,

along with his
lovely new wife, Yvette.

- Now shooting, number 44,
- Coop "Airman" Cooper!

- Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
- Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop is heading for the triple
square, and Bob Costas,

this has to be one of the most exciting
BASEketball games in recent memory.

Hard to believe that just five years ago
this game was played only on driveways.

And it's hard to believe,
just 5 years ago,

those girls were
only in grade school.

So Coop at the triple line, and
Jansen sets up for the psyche out.

Hey, Coop!
Be right with you, Dirk.

- It's good!
- Oh, nothing but net.

Coop triples again.

He's hit for the cycle seven times tonight.
Damn, he tricked me!

Go, Coop! Way to go, man!
You're the man!

And listen to those Foam
Heads doing the Beers chug.

- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
- Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Coop's on third with two down,

and that brings up
Squeak Scolari.

Oh, God, I knew it was going to
come down to me. I just knew it!

Relax, dude, it's not
just you. We're a team!

And it all comes down
to just one man.

Oh, God!

Listen to me, dude,
if I could have one guy

out there right now,
one guy, it'd be you!

Unfortunately, that one man
is Squeak Scolari.

Oh, shit! Listen, pretend
this is just another game.

This Denslow Cup is of course
the biggest game of the season.

Oh, Christ! Will you
turn that shit off?

I'm so scared! Man, I... Listen
to me, you little bitch!

You either go out there
and make that shot,

or I'm going to shove your head

so far up your fucking ass, you
have to wear yourself as a hat!

And in the dugout, Doug
Remer giving his teammate

some last-minute
encouragement.

Now go out there
and make that shot!

Fuck!

The talented Felon Girls appearing
in their third Denslow Cup game.

- Now shooting, number 23,
- Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari.

Let's go

So Squeak Scolari walks out to
take the last remaining single.

Come on, bitch!

Hey Squeak, miss it!
Miss it!

It's good! And the Beers
stay alive in the ninth.

Dallas Felons owner Baxter Cain

hoping for another
Denslow Cup victory.

- Now shooting, number 17,
- Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Two on, two out. Remer
heads to the double line.

Hey, Remer! You better make sure
your toe isn't over the line!

Hey, Jansen! Nice psyche
out, dingleberry! Yes!

It's in!
It's now a two-run game.

Dirk Jansen apparently
missing another psyche out.

And everyone here at Beers
Garden is on their feet.

Coop! Coop! Coop!

And now, at a time like this,

you can't help thinking
about guys like John Elway.

Guys who kept coming close,
and then finally got there.

If Coop can make this one, the
Beers' long wait will be over.

Hey, Coop! Looks like your boy
Denslow is about to buy the farm.

Whoa!

Oh! He missed! He missed,
I don't believe it.

The Felons win their
2nd consecutive Denslow Cup

on the strength of a Dirk
Jansen psyche out. Aw!

I got you, dude, I got you!

Whoa, whoa! Relax, dude!
Relax! What?

Do the Happy Dance.

Why do you want me to do this?
We just lost the game!

Do the Happy Dance!
Where's the singing?

Aw! I don't want to sing! Do the singing!
Come on, sing.

Doing the Happy Dance
Doing the Happy Dance

Shit, Denslow!

And these Beers fans
have to be disappointed.

What an unfortunate thing
to happen on Dozen Egg Night.

Help me! Somebody help him!
My God!

Mrs. Denslow, if there's
anything you need.

Oh, Teddy.

I can't believe it.
He just fell over.

Mrs. Denslow?
Mrs. Denslow!

I wish there was
something I could do!

I know, Mr. Denslow,

they stopped serving them
after the seventh inning.

Somebody get this man a hot dog!

You're absolutely right,
Jim. Ted Denslow was a hero,

because his vision
brought BASEketball

from neighborhood driveways
into big arenas,

but more importantly, into the
hearts and TVs of America.

It's a very sad day.

Yee-haw! His untimely death
cast an unbearable pall

over an otherwise sweet victory.

Yes, and all of our hearts are with
you and your family on this...

Dirk Jansen, winner of the
Winner's Warm Douche MVP Trophy.

What's your take
on this stunning upset?

I think the whole key to the game
was when I psyched out Coop!

No doubt about it! And all you
people watching out there...

I can't believe this guy!
He didn't psych me out!

Yeah, if anyone should get the
psyche out it should be Denslow.

Dude, weak.

Oh, Coop, Coop. I know this
is a dark time for you,

but I'd like to get your
thoughts on what happened today.

Well, Tim, today I lost the big
game and, uh, a dear friend.

Um, I'm feeling pretty
vulnerable right now.

Uh, I don't think
I should be alone.

I really need people
to talk to...

It certainly does seem to be raining
shit on Joe Cooper right now.

On paper, the Beers had
the far superior team

with the outside
shooting of Coop

and the deadly
accuracy of Doug Remer.

What happened out there?

Uh, well, it was a team effort,
and I guess it took every player

working together
to lose this one.

Thanks, Doug.
And so...

Hey! Want to do
an interview with me?

No.

So another BASEketball
championship is in the books.

Yet another opportunity
lost for the Beers.

Man, I got to go.

Hey, Coop? Coop!
Hey, what's going on?

Coop? Coop! Hey, Coop!
Coop, help!

This is Tim McCarver from Beers
Garden, where the Dallas Felons

have defeated the Milwaukee
Beers in Denslow Cup IV

by the score of 13 to 11.

Everybody in?

One at a time.
Shotgun!

Please!
Can we, please?

- There he is!
- Coop!

- Oh, man!
- Oh, cool.

Can we talk to him?
Yeah, can we stay?

There! There!
Please, Miss Reed.

Excuse me.
Excuse me. Hi.

Would you mind signing a couple
of autographs for the kids?

I think you're looking for the
Dallas locker room, it's over there.

Oh, I know,
but it was so crowded.

I mean, um, they would really
rather have your autograph.

Really? Anyway, would
you mind signing these?

Uh, sure.

Uh, it's nice
to meet you, Miss...

Reed. Jenna Reed.

Joe Cooper. Coop.
I know.

Are all these kids with you?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I've been the director of
the Dream Come True Foundation

since October.

Oh, the ones that grant wishes
to sick and dying kids, right?

Oh, well, we prefer
to think of them

as health-challenged
and survival-impaired.

So, you're a big fan of BASEketball?
No, not really.

I mean, the kids are big fans.

I try and keep them
interested in things

that are a little
more permanent.

Permanent?

Well, you know how professional
athletes come and go these days.

Well, not in BASEketball.
There's rules against it.

Well, hello.

Oh, uh, Miss Reed,
this is Remer.

Would you like a fresh pretzel?

I baked it myself.

Oh. Thank you.

It goes great with mustard.
Okay.

Miss Reed? Miss Reed?

Dude, you didn't make
that pretzel, did you?

Of course not, but chicks
like guys who can cook.

Didn't you know that?
What?

See, it works. She was
checking out my ass.

She wasn't checking out
your ass.

All set then?

Well, I better get
these kids back.

Little Travis is
getting impatient.

Hey, I love kids.
Which one's Travis?

Here. Heads up,
big guy.

Are you all right, Travis?

I think he's sleeping.

God, he needs a little
work on the hands.

- He's blind, Doug.
- Ah!

Felons fans rejoiced in their
team's Denslow Cup victory

with a huge celebration
in downtown Dallas.

Final tally,
14 injured, three dead.

And on a sad note, the sports
world was devastated tonight

by the passing of Ted Denslow.

By all accounts, the late Beers
owner seemed to be the only one

surprised by his death.

And it appears time just finally
ran out for the old cocksucker.

Theodore Denslow, dead at 85.

His hairpiece was 24.

These chaps I wore
in Rooting Tooting Rhythm

I bequeath to my nephew Herman.

Hope he looks
as snappy in them as I did.

And this poncho that kept me
dry during the filming of...

Mrs. Denslow?
Baxter Cain.

May I sit down?
Of course.

My deepest sympathy on your great loss.
Thank you, Mr. Cain.

My valuable hand-painted plate
commemorating the Pope's visit

to Dodger Stadium,
I leave to my niece Susan.

Limited edition,
signed in the mold,

with a photocopied certificate
of authenticity.

Jenna.
This six-shooter I wore...

What are you doing here? Well,
I'm not sure. I got this letter.

Yeah, yeah, me, too.

And the toothbrush
used to clean the oats...

Clumsy idiot!
Where's the body?

They buried him two days ago.
This is the will reading.

Oh. Well, in that case...
These are for you, Jenna.

Now as a special
gift of charity,

I bequeath these season tickets

to the Dream Come
True Foundation.

Thank you.

I want you to know I had nothing

but respect for
your late husband.

Unfortunately, he was the one
person who stood in the way

of making any kind of
changes in BASEketball

that might increase
the owner's profits.

I can't imagine what he
had against making money.

I trust that quality
isn't sexually transmitted.

That's pretty sweet, huh? Yeah.
The kids will be very excited.

Especially little Joey.
Joey?

Well, he's such
a big fan of yours.

You know, he's going
into the hospital next week,

and he had begged me to ask you

if you'd come by
for a visit sometime,

but, you know what,
it's not a good idea.

Oh, I'd love to come by.

Hey, I'll come by.
I like hospitals.

No, you don't.
You like Taco Bell.

No, really, I went to this
hospital one time in France

and got together with
this really hot chick.

Dude, that was a hostel.
Oh, yeah.

And finally, of course,
my beloved Beers,

I bequeath controlling
interest to Joseph R. Cooper.

Yes! We own the team!

I gave him the best
three months of my life.

Sweet!

Way to go, dude!

And, Coop?

Yes, Mr. Denslow?

I know you have it in you to lead
the Beers to victory this season,

because if you don't,
the team reverts to Yvette.

Don't feel badly
about losing the team.

I believe this is merely
a temporary situation.

Thank you, Mr. Cain.

It's nice to have a strong,
handsome man like you on my side.

Well, yes. I'd love to discuss
this further with you.

Why don't you visit sometime?

Maybe we could, uh,
lay some carpet,

if you know what I mean.

At this time, I'd like to ask
everyone to leave the room,

so I can have
a private moment with Coop.

Now that we're alone, Coop, there's
something I wanna tell you.

Remember when you had the crabs,

and the only thing that made you
feel better was this lotion?

Well, I found another
use for it.

It feels so good,
it makes me wanna sing.

Just like that night we
spent in the tattoo parlor

in Chicago. Come on, baby.

I'm too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts

And I'm too sexy for my car

Too sexy for my car

Too sexy by far

You getting this?

That's two rooms done.

Boy, those corners are tricky.

You've done a fine job, Yvette.

Now, as I was saying, I think
I've come up with a plan

to make sure that Coop
never wins that Denslow Cup.

Oh. So, then the team
will be mine?

Yes.
That's wonderful, Baxter.

Do you want me to move on
to the conference room?

Uh, no. Not yet.

But, you know, I think my lobby

could use a good buffing,

if you know what I mean.

Mmm. I know exactly
what you mean.

Oh! Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, God!

God, I can't do this shit!

And the Beers coming up to bat

for the first time in this
season opener against Miami,

a game they have
dedicated to Ted Denslow.

The team wearing black in
memory of the late Beers owner.

The Beers cheerleaders
also mourning the loss.

Dude, it's a whole different
ballgame now that you own the team.

Yeah. I was just thinking.
Denslow was right.

This season could be different.
We just gotta kick some ass.

We're playing to keep this team.
You up for it?

Dude, I'm in.
All or nothing.

And joining us in
the booth this evening,

big fan of BASEketball,
Tony Nocciolino,

who plays, as you know,
Latino cut-up Scooter

on the new hit comedy series,
What's the Difference,

airing between Recycled Junk,
starring Lisa Campbell,

and Same Old Crap, featuring
teen heartthrob Mark Svenson.

All part of
the great fall line-up

on our network's "Who gives
a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

And, Tony, it is great
to have you with us.

So, Miami takes the field,

and we're underway here tonight.

Coop steps into
the single square.

- Bonehead!
- Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop!

It's good. And the Beers are off
to a promising start tonight.

And this game is made
all the more special

by the fact it's Free-Range
Chicken Night.

The Beers up by two,
but the Dealers

are threatening here
with one out,

and that brings up
Enrique Hernandez.

- Psyche out! Psyche out!
- Psyche out! Psyche out!

Psyche out!
Hernandez, look.

It's fat liposuctioned
out of Marlon Brando's ass.

Uh... Aw! No.
What am I doing here?

Aw! It's all salty and warm.
Oh, why would I do this?

Aw! This guy ate
a lot of pork.

Aw!

Muy bueno!

Damn it!

Dude, I thought it was
a killer psyche out.

Really? So sick. Shake it off.
Shake it off. I got this guy.

Yo, Gomez.

Psyche out!

Got milk?

Oh, yeah,
you like that, don't you?

- Coop tips, and it's good!
- Double play. Beers win.

And Remer still nailing down
that psyche out.

Dude, we totally kicked ass.

Yeah, and this is just a start.

Doug, could you sign my chicken?

Joe Cooper.
Baxter Cain.

Oh, Cain. Yeah,
Denslow told me about you.

I want to take this opportunity

to welcome you to our
community of owners.

And if there's anything that you
need, don't hesitate to ask.

Thanks, dude. Later.

Oh, Coop, we're going
to be voting next week

on making some changes
in BASEketball's rules.

I want to be able to tell the
others that you're with us.

Why? I think BASEketball's
fine the way it is.

Of course, in some respects.

But until we allow teams to move
cities and players to change teams

and take advantage of
lucrative corporate tie-ins,

I'm afraid you
and your colleagues

are going to have to
continue working for...

Chicken poo?
Ugh!

Feed. Chicken feed.

Coop, the ball is in your court.

In order for those rules to change,
every owner has to vote yes.

And Denslow was already filthy rich.
He didn't need the changes.

But you do.

Look, I appreciate
what you're saying,

but you're asking me to go against
every reason we created this game.

Well, before you make
any hasty decisions,

I suggest you discuss it
with your teammate.

I don't have to. We're best friends.
We think alike.

Look, I'm sorry, but if you
want unanimous consent,

you're gonna have to get it
from one of the other owners.

Are we gonna kick their ass?

Yeah!
Yeah!

We gonna take these mooks out or what?
Yeah! Let me handle this one!

In the river, baby!
No doubt about it!

Come on!

Yo, Coop! Your mother's
a terrible cook!

Oh, yeah!
Damn!

Pew, pew, pew! I'm gonna
kick your ass, man.

Easy.

Can't gross me out, Remer.

Oh, yeah?
Well, check out Coop.

Hey, Zane,

I wanna feel you

deep inside me.

Yes!

You can't do that!
That's not fair, man!

Ooh!

Oh, come on, Zane.
That was...

That was fair, you know.
Come on. Let's play ball.

Hey, Watson, have you seen
those, uh, beer commercials,

how to speak San Franciscan?

Hey! Hey!
Vagina!

Not fair!
That's bullshit, man!

No. That wasn't a gay joke. That
was an Australian joke. Aw! Aw!

Shoot 'em up Shoot 'em up, boys

Bang, bang Whoo, whoo

Yeah, ride 'em, ride 'em
Ride 'em, ride 'em

Come on, let's do it! All right.
What do we always say?

- One, two, three...
- Fuck the Mexicans!

Guess I'll take my shot now.

Sure hope I make it,
so I can get home quick

and smack my wife
in the eye, yepper.

Shut up, Remer.

Shut your mouth, bitch.
I'll...

Yeah! Yes! All right!

Take that, Remer!
Aw, shit!

Oh, my eye! My eye!

You're sick, Cooper!

Yeah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

"If a woman wants a mate
who is responsive,

"she will reveal to him the
secret of a woman's duality.

"She will tell him
about the interior woman,

"that one who added
to herself makes two."

Hi. I didn't
expect that you'd come.

I just thought I'd come say hi
to our little friend Joey.

Oh. Well, you know
what, he's sleeping,

and I really wanted
to finish this book.

Well, maybe it'll
make him feel better.

Uh, well...
Joey?

Joey?
Look who's here.

My biological father?

No, dude, it's me, Joe Cooper.

Coop? Coop,
is it really you?

Yeah, it's me.

Wow. I watched
all your road games.

Your psyche outs were the best.

Thanks, dude. Right on.

Coop, what's a "vagina"?

Uh, so, uh, what seems to be
the problem with you, guy?

I'm... I'm going to die.

Well, we're all gonna die.

Yeah, but not this week.

Joey, what did I tell you
about staying positive?

Besides, your donor liver's
due to arrive today.

Oh, hey, look what
I brought you.

Wow! A La-Z-Boy! Yeah, I
made it myself, you know.

If I had a nickel for every time

this ball pulled me
out of a tight spot,

I'd have a shitload of nickels.

Gee, Coop, I wanna be just
like you when I grow up.

Here's your decaf mocha, Jenna.

Just like you take it, non-fat
milk, low fat whipped cream,

and a little sprinkle
of cinnamon.

Thank you, Doug.

And I baked you fresh
poppy seed muffins, too.

Give me a break.
Poppy seed muffins.

I thought you had your electrolysis
appointment this morning.

I did. Here. Look.
Check it out.

Hey, listen, partner,

I talked to the people at the
Dream Come True Foundation,

and they want to
make your last wish...

Your... Well, they want to
make your dream come true,

as long as it doesn't
involve, like,

a miracle cure or
something like that.

Well, hell, the guys on death
row only get a meal, right?

Uh, so... So,
what's your dream?

Well, I've always dreamed
of big game hunting.

How about killing
an endangered species,

like a bald eagle
or a giant panda?

Well, Joey, I don't think
that's in the true spirit

of the Foundation.

Well, then, how about
poisoning the reservoir?

I know. How about
throwing flesh-eating fish

into a public swimming pool?

I don't think you're quite
getting the point, dude.

Come on, Joey.
Search your heart.

What's the one thing
that you want

more than anything else
in the world?

Chelsea Clinton.

That's a pretty
tall order, dude.

You'd have
a better shot at Bill.

You have any backup dreams?

Well, there is one other thing.

Could I just once... Could I
hang out with the team?

Just spend a day with
the Beers. Could I, Coop?

Oh, I don't know.

And Miss Reed, too.

No! No! No!

Down the hatch. Bartender.

This has been so fun. I feel like
I'm gonna puke all over the bar.

Oh, look, Jerry Springer.

Here she is,
your daughter-in-law, who...

No. She's my son's wife.
Get that.

Whoa! Nicole.
Let's say hi to Nicole.

Okay. Okay. We'll drink every
time a fight breaks out.

All right.
All right.

Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry! Jerry!

Hey, you bitch!

Oh, fight, fight, fight.

Back off, bitch!

Oh, you want some of this?
Come on! You fat...

Fight!

I'm gonna kill you!

You see, Joey,
dreams really do come true.

You're the best, Coop.
Yeah.

Oh, man, it's late.
We've got a game tonight.

And you've got that
big liver operation.

Yeah, but...

What, dude? Don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.

I just know I could
pull through if...

If what, dude?

Joey, you just say it
and Coop will do it.

Could you, Coop? Do you think
you could hit a home run

for me in tonight's game?

Well, dude...
Come on, Coop.

It's not like he's asking you
to hit two home runs.

Two? Can you hit
two home runs?

Of course he could. This is Coop
Cooper you're talking about here.

Hell, he could hit three home
runs if he wanted to, huh, Coop?

Three? All right.

Remer, can I talk to you over
there real quick? Thanks.

Hey, you know, Joey, I've hit my
fair share of home runs, too.

That's nice, but Coop's gonna
hit three home runs for me.

That's great, Joey.

I think Coop's the greatest guy

in the whole wide world.

Yeah, he's a major dude,
all right.

Hey, I feel much better now.

Mr. Squeak?
What?

What grade are you in?

Hey, anybody call a taxi?

Yeah, I called a taxi.

We gotta get going if I'm gonna
hit those three home runs.

Don't you worry. From now on,
everything's gonna be A-okay.

Gee, Coop, this is the best
day of my entire life.

Oh, my, what a story this is.

Little Joey Thomas undergoing a
lifesaving operation tonight.

The fans here, of course,
all wearing yellow ribbons

in support of
this brave little boy.

And his hero, Joe Cooper,
promising to hit three home runs,

a promise that could mean the
difference between life and death

for this brave little boy.

Hey, Pete, what's the
matter with Coop tonight?

I don't know, but he's 1 for 11

and he smells like
Christian Slater.

Coop in the home run circle,

getting ready to take his shot.

It's up. It's good!

Coop sinks his second
home run of the game.

His blood sugar's
way up since yesterday.

Has there been any change
in his fluid intake?

Sweet Jesus! His sodium
level's through the roof!

It's the strangest thing.

He's eight years old, and he
smells like Robert Downey Jr.

Ninth inning. Everyone's
stomach in knots here

as Coop steps up
for his last at bat.

Coop! Coop! One more chance
for that third home run.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Hey, she's here, man,
that girl from the bar.

That's a guy.
What?

A guy?
Yeah, that's a dude.

No way, you're just saying that

'cause you want her
for yourself.

No, dude, I'm saying that
because she's a guy.

It's impossible.
Just look at her.

She's got the cutest little
upturned nose, the softest lips,

the sweetest Adam's apple.

Yeah. I think I can smell
her perfume from here.

Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Coop calls for quiet.

One more chance for
that third home run.

He's in deep focus
out there, Bob.

This obviously
means a lot to him.

He shoots!
It's going, going...

Looks like Coop has made
a dream come true

for a very brave little...

Wow. The Lord must really have
it in for that little boy.

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Come on, Coop.
It's over.

Poor Joey. Why?
I'm sorry, dude.

If you're looking
for Joey Thomas,

he's been moved next door.

Oh.
Hey!

Oh, my God!

Oh, why? Why? Why?

Gentlemen, he's in this room.

Joey! Joey!

I'm here for you, dude.

The operation went fine.

I mean, just after your game,
we thought he was suffocating.

He kept screaming,
"Choke! Choke!"

Then he lost consciousness.
He'll be fine in the morning.

But don't stay too long.
He needs his sleep.

Joey, I'm sorry I missed
that third home run.

But remember how I said that
dreams really do come true?

Well, they don't.

Coop, he's awake! I think he's
trying to tell you something.

What is it, Joey? What?

Hey, he's turning blue.

Oh, my God!
This poor kid's freezing.

He needs a blanket.
Where's a blanket?

Sir, sir. Can I
borrow your blanket?

Don't worry, I'm here
for you too, Joey.

Sir, let me borrow your blanket!

Here you go, little buddy.
This should keep you warm.

Holy mother of God!
He's flatlining!

- You killed him.
- Oh, my God!

I didn't kill him.
Dude, you missed

the third home run
and you killed him.

No! No, I'm not going
to give up on this kid!

- Coop, calm down, man.
- Come on, Joey.

Come back to me.

Coop, get a hold of yourself.
Coop, no!

Leave me alone!

Live, damn it! Live!

What the hell are you doing?

Where are those little heart paddle
things that George Clooney uses?

- Not those.
- Dude, let's just bail.

Give me these things.
You're gonna kill him!

Clear!
Clear!

No pulse, Coop.
Crank up the voltage.

10,000 volts.
Clear!

Clear!

Up it to 15,000!
15,000 volts.

No!
Clear!

Coop, do you know
what you're doing?

What's it look like?
An execution?

Damn it, man! I'm trying
to save an innocent life!

I'm giving it
all I've got, Captain.

I love you, always have.

Clear!

This isn't working. We gotta
try open heart massage.

I need a rib separator and a scalpel.
Where do I cut?

Start in the middle
and work your way around.

He's a flat-liner.
Code blue, Nurse!

Seventy ccs of
sodium pentothal, stat!

I didn't kill him. Get away from him.
Get out of here.

Cardiac syringe coming through!

Hard left! Hard left!
What the...

Reggie Jackson having an incredible night.
Reggie! Reggie!

Two for two with a walk,
four runs batted in,

and he's already hit
two home runs tonight.

And you have to wonder just what
Charlie Hough must be thinking

as Reggie steps into the
box here in the eighth.

Reggie! Reggie!

- There's a fly ball...
- Nature's fury

when man and beast collide on the
back roads and byways of America.

Aw!

Aw!

Aw!

I can't believe those assholes
taped over the game.

Aw!

Aw! Aw!

Jenna.
Hi.

Oh, I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No, no, I was just, uh,
fixing clam chowder.

Uh, come in.

Well, when you weren't at the
hospital, I came right over.

Apparently, there was some sort of
terrorist attack on the post-op ward.

Terrorist?
Yeah.

Evidently, they were disguised
as BASEketball players.

They went on
some sort of rampage,

and I was so worried about Joey.

Was he, uh... Is he...

Oh, he's fine. He came through the
operation with flying colors.

All right!

With that new liver, he should be
peeing like a champ in no time, huh?

That's kidneys, Coop.
Oh.

Hmm.
Well, uh, have a seat.

I just wanted to stop by
and thank you

for all that
you've done for Joey.

Oh, it's nothing.

I'm sure he's going to remember
this day for the rest of his life.

Yeah, I don't doubt that.

Oh! What a great picture.

Look at you guys.
You seem so happy.

Yeah, I... I guess we were.

We were just best friends playing
ball in the driveway, you know?

Next thing I know, I'm on
ESPN and Wheaties boxes.

And I guess that's
all pretty sweet.

But nowadays,
since Denslow's been gone,

I'm in charge of the team,
and the whole league now.

Sometimes I forget
why I play the game.

Why do you play it, Coop?

Mr. October.

The guy in
the Chippendales calendar?

No, that was Dwayne Zackemore.

I mean, whoever it was
that month.

I, uh... I'm talking
about Reggie Jackson.

I saw him play in
a World Series once.

He hit three home
runs in one game.

I caught the third one
in the stands.

I remember growing up,
it meant so much to me.

All I ever dreamed of
was to be that guy,

have that one shining moment.

Be a hero.

You already are a hero, Coop.

You've won these
kids' hearts, but...

What?

Well, I'm just worried about
getting attached.

I mean, the kids getting attached.
I don't want them to be hurt.

Jenna, I would never do
anything to hurt these kids.

But what Joey
really needs to know

is where are you
going to be next year?

Right here.

And the next year,
and the year after that.

Right up until Joey grows up

and gets a driver's license

and starts going out with girls

and meets the right one

and forgets about
BASEketball altogether.

Goes home,
does some push-ups,

fucks the sleeve of
his favorite jacket.

What?
Huh?

I'm just saying we'll be here for Joey.
I promise.

Oh, Coop, I want to believe you.

I want to believe you
more than anything...

Yo, Coop, check out all this cool
shit we got at the hospital!

Ooh, hey, Jenna.
Hey, Doug.

Wow. You're looking a little flushed.
Do you have a temperature?

No. I'm... I'm fine. Here, open
your blouse and say, "Ah."

Remer! Doug, I... I got to go.

No, Jenna... Aw! Yeah, I'm sorry.
I got to go.

Jenna! Aw!

Aw!

Thanks a lot, Dr. Dickhead.
You totally fucked me there.

Dude, relax.
It was just a joke.

Dude, why don't you give it up.
She doesn't even like you.

Oh, you think she has
the hots for you?

Shit, Squeak here has a better
chance with her than you do.

Hey, you think? That's
low, you son of a bitch.

What? Why is that low?

Dude, I know you're feeling jealous
right now, but you can't blame me

because I have a sweet ass.
I can't help it.

I'm doing the Happy Dance.

Doing the Happy Dance.

Does this thing work?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

Can you hear me in this?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.

This is cool, here.
Check it out.

Asshole!

Do you want to get a sandwich?
Yeah, let's get a sandwich.

Yeah, let's get a sandwich.
Goddamn. Ugh!

Mr. Cain, Doug Remer
is here to see you.

Remer? I thought I asked
him to come tomorrow.

Well, yes, sir, but he's
here now in the trophy room.

- The trophy room?
- Mr. Cain...

Mr. Cain? Mr. Cain?

This is sweet.

Mr. Remer.

Oh, hey. Mr. Cain.

I see you've been admiring
my little museum.

Is... Is that really...

Yes. When I see something
I want, I get it.

Remind me the next time
you're here to show you

the prize in
the whole collection.

My autographed Ty Cobb bat.

I'm planning to expand
the museum out here next year.

Killer setup, Mr. Cain.

What do you pay in rent here?
Nothing. I own it.

Oh, that reminds me.
Can you break a 20?

What, dollars?
I didn't think so.

Let me get straight
to the point, Don.

May I call you Don?
Yeah, I guess so.

Don, when I see one of
BASEketball's hottest stars

with less than
$20 in his pocket,

driving an American car

and sharing a small house
with two other guys,

you know what that says to me?

Homos?
No.

No, no. It says
you're underappreciated.

And underpaid! Oh, yeah, I mean,
I guess we are underpaid.

Well, I want to change all that.

Players of your caliber should
be making the big bucks.

Don't you agree?

Remer! Remer!

Try to stay with me on this, all right?
All right.

Now, last week,
I tried to get Coop

to agree to certain rule changes

that would make you millions.

Me? Millions? Uh-huh.
Now listen carefully.

Do you think Shaq got
rich playing in Orlando?

Hardly. He made his
fortune moving to LA.

You know how much he makes now?

As much as he made
playing in college?

What? No! A lot more,
big money.

And you can, too! Would I
have to quit BASEketball?

What? No! I need you
to get Coop to go along!

He'd have to quit
BASEketball, too?

Did I just fart?

Top of the seventh, and
those cheers you're hearing

are from the nearly 15,000 on
hand here for Anal Probe Night.

So, two outs, and Doug Remer
heading for the triple square.

He's 0 for 12 so far tonight. In
fact, with the exception of Coop,

the Beers are ice cold.

Oh, man, that doesn't even
qualify as an air ball!

And the Beers
are gone in the seventh.

The Aliens now coming up
with the top of their order,

which, if you're scoring
at home,

is the same three guys
who came up last inning.

All right, what the
hell's going on?

You guys are lying
down out there!

Oh, I get it.
You guys are pissed off.

Uh, why?

Dude, you turned down Cain's offer
without even talking to us.

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.

All right,
what do you want, dude?

Dude, what do you think?

We invented this game together,

but you get
to control everything.

Listen, Cain has some
pretty good ideas...

Dude, Denslow gave me
the team, all right?

I already told Cain no.
Dude, I'm sure Denslow

is happy in his little worm farm but...
Dude, I'm not going to do it.

All right, dude,
listen to me carefully.

Do you think Shaq got rich
playing in Orlando?

No, he got rich playing in college.
Everybody knows that.

Dude, it's not about the money.

It's about tradition.

Look, think about the greats
who have played this game.

It's because of them.

It's because of us, that I can't
bow down to a guy like Cain.

Dude, that's easy
for you to say,

because you got the team!
We got jack shit!

Even Squeak is pissed off! Oh,
hell, I never really minded...

Shut up, bitch! Dude, quit thinking
about yourself for a change!

Dude, I'm not gonna cave in.
End of story, dude.

Dude.
Dude!

Dude!
Dude!

Dude!
Dude!

Dude!

Dude.

Well, I guess
you've got a point there.

All right, look,
maybe I was wrong.

From now on,
we're full partners.

Really?
And you guys.

From now on, you all own
part of the team, too.

Really? You'd be willing
to do that for us?

Yeah, and that's not all. I'm
talking prime equity stock options,

comprehensive health care,
full dental, traveling HMO,

and the first 20 weeks
of psychiatric care

free of charge,
the way it should be!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Come on down!
Who wants them?

Yes!

Go, Beers!

Hey, Smitz,
you wanna see a scary face?

Yeah!

What?
Dude!

Hey!

He can't do that!

Oh, shit!

There were
four of them in the corral.

The once-proud beast,
the broken girl,

her mother, and finally, the
man they called the Whisperer.

The woman stared hopefully

into the ancient
cowboy's weathered face.

"Can you help her?" "Lady, I
repair cows, not people."

His disjointed voice seemed
to be coming from afar...

And the Beers win their
tenth consecutive game.

I don't know what's happening...

Who's this bimbo
Coop's got the hots for?

Oh, that's Jenna Reed. She's the
director of some kids' charity,

Um, Dream Come True Foundation.
Oh.

I know six men
on their board of directors.

Baxter Cain is not going
quietly into the good night.

Hey, Baxter? Who's Ty Cobb? Hmm?

Oh, my God!
Did I just fart?

Ninth inning. Beers just one out
away from making the playoffs.

They'll have to get by
Big Ed Tuttle

and the LA Riots
to ice this one.

That's him, Squeak.
That's Tuttle.

He's been talking some serious
shit about you all night.

What?

Yeah, he told everyone that
he caught you jacking off

in the bathroom before the game.

He saw that?

You got to get this guy, Squeak.

Look at him, man.
He... He's huge!

You want me to psyche him out?

Dude, he'll never expect it
coming from you.

Here, say this.

I'm not going to
remember all that!

All right, here then. C'mon,
this is for the playoffs, dude.

You get this guy, and we're in!

Don't worry,
we've got your back!

Oh, my God.

Hey, Tuttle!
Yeah?

Your mother's deaf.

My mother's dead,
you little twerp.

I guess that's why
she didn't move around a lot.

Unbelievable!
The Beers win!

Yes! Sweet! Good going!

The Beers have done it!

Dude! Sweet! Yes!

Talkin' away

I don't know what's left to say

I'll say it anyway

The Beers win
a spot in the playoffs

by beating Los Angeles on an unlikely
psyche out by Squeak Scolari.

Take on me

Dude, he is pissed!

I didn't go over the line on that, did I?
No, not at all.

Don't worry about it, dude.

Jenna! Jenna!

Hey, you missed it. We won!
We kicked ass!

Let them flow, baby,
we're in the playoffs!

Yeah, let the tears come.

You're going to make me
start crying now.

No... I know, I guess
this really is emotional.

Should we do it?
Should we just cry?

I think we should, I mean,
no one's watching.

We won the game, we've got
friends, we've got everything!

Will you stop that?

I'm not crying
because I'm happy.

I just got the news.
Our funding has been cut.

They're going to close
the Foundation.

Can they do that?

Those poor kids.
We can't let this happen.

We got to do something!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
come and ruin your big night.

I'm sorry! No, Jenna.
Jenna, wait.

Gentlemen!
Mr. Cain.

I couldn't help but overhear your
conversation with Miss Reed.

Dude, what are you doing here?
Oh, I jet here, I jet there.

Anyway, I just wanted
to assure you,

there's no reason for your
girlfriend's foundation

to go into Chapter 11.

Or for that matter,
12, 13 or 14.

Uh, but I think I may have a
solution to her problem. Here.

It's a time-tested moneymaker.
Every athlete does it.

You want me to have bigger titties?
What?

No, no.

The clothing line.
A Beers clothing line.

No, dude, that's against
the BASEketball bylaws.

Not if the proceeds go to charity.
Think about it.

Miss Reed's foundation will never
have to worry about funding again.

Awesome, dude! I think we
should definitely do it!

Excuse us.

Look, will you let me
do the talking here?

There's no way I'm doing any kind
of deal with this piece of shit.

Wait, I thought it was we. Remember,
it's not just up to you anymore.

All right, well, we can come up with
a better way to get money for Jenna.

Like how?

See? Thought so. Mr. Cain? Hmm?

As part owner of the Beers, I'd
just like to say, where do I sign?

Congratulations, Don. This is
going to change your life.

I look out for my womens!

Now before we discuss fabric
or color, we got to decide

where we can make this stuff cheap.
Freedom! Freedom!

Right. We'll do a big media blitz.
And don't worry

about Coop.
He'll come around.

Hi there, I'm Dan Patrick.
And I'm Kenny Mayne.

With the first seven months of the
BASEketball post-season out of the way,

the playoff picture is
now starting to emerge.

So, with last night's
victory over Boston,

next week the Beers
must beat Indianapolis

in order to advance
to Charlotte.

That's in an effort to reduce
their magic number to three.

Right, and then,
the Beers can advance

to the National Eastern
Division North to play Tampa.

So, if the Beers beat Detroit,
and Denver beats Atlanta

in the American Southwestern
Division East Northern,

then Milwaukee goes
to the Denslow Cup,

unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo
and Charlotte ties Toronto.

Then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh
in a blind choice round-robin.

And if no clear winner
emerges from all this,

a two-man sack race will be
held on consecutive Sundays

until a champion is crowned.
Right.

Coop! Coop! Coop!

After the grueling
regular BASEketball season,

we're now in month nine
of the playoffs.

No, Daddy, don't touch me there!

The Beers,
vying with San Francisco

for a slot in
the Denslow Cup game.

Ninth inning, Ferries up
by one, Coop steps in.

It's back, way back. Good! Home run!
Coop ties it up!

That could mean extra innings.

Yeah!

What's this guy?

He's my entertainment lawyer. He's
helping me with my movie contract.

Oh, now you're such a big shot,

you're gonna act
in a Hollywood movie?

Fucking sellout.

Now shooting, number 17,

Doug "Sir Swish" Remer!

Beers win! Beers win!

And the Beers have done it!

They're on their way
to the Denslow Cup!

Dude, who is that?
Who's it look like?

Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year.

Hello! Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year!

What's that?
It's a commitment ring.

What, for Jenna?
Yeah.

I'm letting her know
that I'm ready to consider

thinking about
dating her exclusively.

Well, I'm giving Jenna
a pre-commitment ring.

It's a promise to pledge that
we'll think about getting engaged

just as soon as we're ready
to make a commitment.

What the hell are you talking about?
You don't care about Jenna!

You were just in a hot tub naked with
Victoria Silvstedt, Playmate of the Year!

You know what? That hurts, man.
That really hurts.

My clothing line is single-handedly
saving Jenna's foundation.

Oh, sorry, I forgot how much
Doug Remer cares about kids.

Gentlemen?
Mr. Cain.

Hate to interrupt your
celebration, but I have something

you might be interested in.

Go ahead, don't be shy.
It concerns you.

Open it! I think you'll find it
interesting. What's that old saying...

"A penny saved is
a penny earned"?

"Don't eat cheese before
noon..." Shut up!

How about, "One picture
is worth a thousand words."

- Oh, that's a good one!
- God, these are awful!

What kind of lowlife scum
would use children this way?

You would.
Me? Never!

Gentlemen, those are pictures of the
Beers clothing line being made in

Calcutta.

Oh, just great! Of course,
if they ever get out,

the Beers, and your
girlfriend's little foundation,

would be ruined.

Yipes!

But, rest assured, there's
no reason to be panicked.

Those pictures never have to
see the light of day, if...

If what?

If you two miss
the next Beers game.

Dude, the next game
is the Denslow Cup!

I can see you've
been reading the papers.

Listen, boys, just do as I say. You
play ball, and you'll be just fine.

I thought you said you didn't
want us to play ball.

I want you to play ball with me.

You want us to play for Dallas?

Oh, I get it. You don't want us
to show up at the game at all!

Of course, you numbskulls!
It's called blackmail!

Good evening.

God damn it, Remer, I told you this
was going to happen, didn't I?

Hey, if you would have
agreed to Cain's changes

in the first place, it never
would have gotten this far!

Dude, because of you, Jenna's
foundation is totally screwed!

Me? I was the one trying to...
Oh, there you are!

Jenna!

- I saw the pictures!
- This is awful!

It's going to mean
the end of the Foundation.

You know,
it's not endowed like...

Well, like...

Jenna, I can explain.

Yes, it was his fault.
Me?

This is your mess, Remer. I
should've kept the team to myself!

Dude, I just don't know you anymore!
Enough!

Look at yourselves.

You're just typical men,
with humongous egos!

You're like every
other pro athlete.

I should have kept
those kids away from you.

Their little lives are ruined
and all you can do

is argue about
who is the bigger penis?

I mean, child.

Long wanger. Oh.

Throbbing cock.

God, I don't even know
what I mean anymore!

Jenna, wait! You've got
to believe us, Jenna!

It was all Coop's fault!

Dude, could I talk to you over here?
Mmm-hmm.

You know something, Pig Fucker?
Can I call you Pig Fucker?

No, only my friends
can call me Pig Fucker.

You know what, Coop?

You're not my best friend anymore.
How do you like that?

I love it!
Good, I'm glad!

I'm sick of playing
second fiddle to you,

and you getting
all the recognition.

I'm getting myself
a new best friend.

Wake up, bitch.
You're my new best friend.

Really? What?

Are we going to the zoo?

Fine! I don't need you. I'll get
myself a new best friend, too!

So, go ahead. Go back to your fancy
cars, and your big bank accounts,

and your celebrity friends,
and your beautiful women,

and Victoria Silvstedt,
Playmate of the Year...

Fuck!

Your life is
spinning out of control

Seems the whole world
is out to get you

Everything is wrong
Nothing seems right

There's a sinking feeling inside

Even your best friend
has turned his back

But you can't let it
bring you down

No, you've got to fight

'Cause you try,
but you can't let go

It's when you're down
that you got to get up

Don't let 'em walk
all over your face

Stand up for yourself And
make everything right again

Even if some guy's trying
to blackmail you

And your girlfriend
thinks you suck

It's up to you to let them know

That it was all just part of
some rich guy's evil plan

Look out ahead
There's a truck changing lanes

You got some yellow crumbs
on your upper lip

And those warts on your dick
aren't going to go away

Unless you start using
topical cream every day

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Calcutta
International Airport,

where it is currently 95
degrees with a light drizzle.

We hope you enjoy your stay
here in lovely Calcutta.

Taxi!

Amoka, come on!

Driver, I'm in a hurry!

Look, just take me
to 7-1-1...

Aw!

Here you are, Beerswear Factory.

Hey, you, is this...
I'm sorry, no entrance.

Who the hell are you?
I factory manager. Who you?

I Joe Cooper.
I mean, I'm Joe Cooper.

Wait, Mr. Cooper,
you must put on hard hat!

Oh, this is awful.
Oh, this isn't good!

Do any authorities
know about this?

Oh! Oh! Wait, Mr. Cooper, wait.
Wait please, Mr. Cooper!

Put that down!

A young man. His whole life
in front of him disappears.

A familiar story, yes.
But this is no ordinary Joe.

Joseph R. Cooper, perhaps the
most loved sports figure

in the country, vanished.

According to
Mrs. Elsie Melcher,

a neighbor who asked not
to be identified,

Joe Cooper left his house
two weeks ago.

According to Angelique Bones,

a nosy bitch
who lives up the street,

he took with him only
a toothbrush, a wallet,

a steamer trunk and
a plane ticket to Calcutta.

Police theorize
several possible scenarios

of what happened

to the man affectionately
known to the world as "Coop."

Oh, I don't know
where the hell he is.

For all I care, he could be
hanging by his neck

in his fucking closet.

Scenario Number One.

He's hanging by his neck
in his fucking closet.

The night before
his disappearance,

Coop's girlfriend
had paid him a visit.

According to friends,
they had quarreled.

If you're looking
for Joe Cooper,

I suggest you look
wherever you find

the most heinous,
blatant and vile

exploitation of children
on the planet.

Scenario Number Two.
Coop went to Disney World.

Here's a photograph
of Joe Cooper taken

just days before
his disappearance.

And here's a
computer-enhanced simulation

of what he might
look like today.

From Milwaukee, Wisconsin, on
the shores of Lake Michigan,

it's the Denslow Cup, where the
defending champions, the Dallas Felons,

meet their perennial challengers,
the Milwaukee Beers.

Hello, I'm Al Michaels along
with Bob Costas inviting you

to join us here at Beers
Garden for Denslow Cup V.

And we're in for
a classic battle tonight.

You're absolutely
right about that, Al.

We have over a hundred million
people throughout the world

tuned in to see this game.

Many of them, of course, with no
understanding of the sport itself,

but nonetheless fascinated by the flickering
images and the bright, pretty colors.

And high up in the stands, pyrotechnic
expert Sergio "Lucky" Ferouch

is readying another spectacular
halftime fireworks display.

All right, you guys.
You ready to kick some ass?

What's wrong, you guys?
Why the long faces?

We miss Coop.
Can't win without him.

We don't need Coop.
I'll lead you to victory!

We're supposed to be a team.

Without Coop, it's not the same.

Look, even if Coop was to
walk in here right now,

it wouldn't change the outcome
of this game one iota.

We can win this thing! Are you with me?
Yeah, yeah!

That's the spirit. Are you with me?
Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Coop's here!

And we're underway here
for Denslow Cup V.

- A stunned crowd of over
- 18,000 witnessing the Beers

being thoroughly dominated
by the Felons.

Come on, Beers!
Go, Coop!

Hey, guys, I thought I told you
we weren't gonna watch this game.

Oh, come on, Miss Reed.
It's the Denslow Cup!

These are not the kind of people
to be looked up to or emulated.

The severed and mutilated head was
stamped and postmarked Denver.

The owner still has
not stepped forward.

Update. The disappearance of the
Milwaukee Beers BASEketball star.

When Joe Cooper discovered that

most of the workers in the
Beerswear Factory were youngsters,

not even old enough
for prostitution,

he personally flew to Calcutta.

His new, all-adult workforce
now makes a decent wage,

enjoys full medical benefits
and in-house child care.

All of us here are glad that such a terrific
human being like Joe Cooper has returned.

If I were a woman, I'd sure
like to be his girlfriend.

Walking in the park, hand in hand,
wrapping my legs around him,

cuddling in the spoon position,
our hearts beating in unison,

staring into his eyes over
our morning coffee...

Uh, yes, yes, thank you.

When we come back,
our next unsolved mystery...

Come on, kids.

- We're going to the game!
- Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

for your seventh-inning
stretch entertainment,

the National BASEketball
League is proud to present

a salute to our South Sea
neighbors, Viva Calypso!

We're up 16-0
at the break.

Have the trucks pull up
to the locker room.

We'll sort out the stuff when
we get to Jacksonville. Okay.

Hey, Baxter. I finally got all
the chrome off this for you.

Nice. Very nice. You want
me to start on this one?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please direct your attention now

to the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust,

a symbol of brotherhood
in many Polynesian countries.

Assuming the roles of the
downtrodden but happy natives,

with their good-luck pineapple,
your Milwaukee Beers!

Thanks for flying back, Coop.

You really made a big
difference in the score.

Dude, if I wouldn't have
been cleaning up your mess,

I wouldn't be jet-lagged
and shitting curry!

Hey, guys,
knock it off, all right?

And representing their
white colonial oppressors,

the Dallas Felons!

And now, let's all join
our Caribbean brothers

in the ceremonial South Sea handshake
above the Lagoon of Peace.

- All right, let go!
- You let go!

Stop it. Stop it!

Guys, come on, man!

Would you stop it?
Money-grubber!

Power monger!
Cock!

Guys, stop it!

Whoa!

Hey!

You son of a bitch!
You asshole!

Die!
Eat shit!

Hey! Would you just stop it?
Would you hold on a minute?

Look at you guys, fighting
on the Malakalaka board!

You should be ashamed
of yourselves!

Back in the driveway,
we were nothing!

Now we've risen
to the highest level,

but you're throwing it all away!

If you've forgotten what
BASEketball means to America,

you have only to look
at this board,

the Malakalaka
Balance Board of Trust.

Don't you see what we have here?

A game where guys with
bad backs and bad knees

can get together and
compete on the same field

as guys that are all
goosed up on steroids.

But more than anything,

isn't this game about getting together with
your friends and just having a good time?

I remember.

I remember a long time ago,
I didn't have anybody.

And you guys took me in.

I guess that's why it kills me
to see you like this.

If we can't be friends, then the
heart and soul are out of this game.

Certainly out of me! I know
I'll never get that back again.

We have sullied the waters
of the Lagoon of Peace!

I'm begging you, for the love
of our Caribbean brothers,

dudes, stop this madness!

Hang on!
Oh, my God!

Remember to hold your
breath just before we hit!

Never let go!

Bob, this has to be the most spectacular
extravaganza I have ever seen!

You can cram three seats
into the space it takes

for one wheelchair,

not to mention the wasted space

it takes for the oxygen bottle.

Hell, those little shits
never pay full price anyway!

Baxter! I just realized
I can't stand you!

So you can kiss
these puppies good-bye!

Shit, Coop.
I'm sorry.

I guess the money
did go to my head.

No, I'm sorry, Remer.

I think I've got a lot
to learn about sharing.

Look at me. I've become
everything I used to hate.

Maybe we just grew up too fast.

My worst enemy
turned out to be me.

Dude.
Dude.

Dude.
Dude.

Hey, look, I've got two over...

All right, let's go win
ourselves a championship!

Yeah!
Yeah!

She was a little green

He was just a little mean

They were together all the time

So now no one can forget this
thing that happens all the time

She would do anything

Yo, Darcy.
Yeah?

Hey, that's my wife!
Yeah, and this is me!

They live together all the time

So now no one can forget
this little thing

That's on her mind

It's a waste to wonder
what's a heart these days

It takes a lot to give up
and just leave those who...

Hey, Dirk!
What is it?

I hear your sister's
going out with Squeak!

Hey!

And Squeak Scolari
crosses the plate again

as the Beers have come
roaring back since the break.

Bob, this is more like the Beers
team we've seen all season.

Ninth inning, two outs.

Beers still down by two runs.

Felons on first and third.

The Beers have to stop Dallas here
if they want to stay in this game.

And the always dangerous
Grumsky coming up.

We've got to get this guy, Coop.

He hasn't missed
a shot all night.

I know, but I don't know what to say.
Nothing works on him.

Hey!
Tell him he's fat!

Dude, that's not cool.

Yeah, it is.
That's not cool.

No, no, no. Just do
it really subtle.

Subtle.

Hey, Grumsky, you losing weight?

Hey, big ass! Seriously,
you're fucking fat!

You're goddamn fucking fat.
How'd you get so fucking fat?

Jesus!

And the Beers hold them in the
ninth on a clutch psyche out

by "Coop" Cooper.

Coop!
Coop! Coop! Coop! Coop!

Bottom of the ninth.
Dallas, 16. Milwaukee, 14.

Remer on second,
Scolari on third.

And Coop's coming up.

And so, it all comes down
to this. One shot.

Coop makes it, the Beers win the
cup, and get to keep the team.

Or, he misses.

Oh, my God.
La-Z-Boy has popped!

The ball Coop has used every
day of his career is gone,

and a time-out
has been called

as the Beers star
tries to regroup.

Excuse me, driver, do you think
you could go any faster?

Could I go any faster?

Yeah!
Hang on!

Yeah!

Whoa!

No doubt about it, Al.

The loss of this ball is definitely going
to affect the outcome of this game.

Ow! Hey!

Come on, kids! Thomas,
where are you going?

It's just one shot. You can do it!
We can win this thing!

Come on, Coop!
You can do it.

Coop! Stop! Don't shoot!

Wait!
Joey!

Here.
I brought this for you.

I made it myself.
Just like you.

Dude, you made this?

Well, Miss Reed helped me
for most of it.

But I finished it myself.

Joey, this is great.

Coop, you know what
Miss Reed told me tonight?

She said she wants me
to be a big sports star.

Just like Joe Cooper.

Thanks, dude.

Go get them, Coop.

Hey, Coop!

When's the last time you made
a home run without La-Z-Boy?

Al, we have seen some classic
Denslow Cup battles in the past,

but I can't remember one
that ever rivaled

the drama and excitement
of this one.

It's off the rim!

Could be a double play.
Darcy tips.

Jansen's try. No.

Beers have a shot at the conversion.
Remer keeps it alive!

Last chance.

Coop up.

It's

good!

Bob, in all my years
of calling games,

I don't think I've ever
been this excited!

You're excited?
Feel these nipples!

Update. We still have no fucking
clue where this guy is.

And I can wear anything

And I can be anything

Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful

Tonight I don't wanna feel bad

'Cause tonight will be
the night of my dreams

Tonight I don't wanna
feel anything

And then things moved in
Took no time at all

Tonight I don't wanna
feel wonderful

Hey, whoa!

Hey! Come on!

Hey!

All right.

Coop, what?

Who is it?
It's Reggie.

Reggie Jackson.

Well, go. Go ahead.

Reggie.
Coop. Nice going out there.

Thanks, man. But, you
know, I got to tell you.

It's because of you that I'm here.
That's nice to know.

I brought this for you. I saw some kid
try to leave the ballpark with it.

You got to hang on to that.

I got the two home run balls
I hit in the World Series.

Some wretched little shit
got the third one.

That sucks, dude.

I got to get my trophy. Maybe
we can have a hot dog sometime?

All right, sounds good.
Hey, Coop!

I don't have your fucking ball!

Good luck next year.

Oh. Thanks.

Hey, Baxter!

Got milk?

Oh, I'm sorry!

And so, on behalf of the
National BASEketball League,

we'd like to present to the
Beers this year's Denslow Cup.

Congratulations!

Go ahead,
and take a victory lap.

And so, as they skate off,
all you can think about is

a team that conquered adversity,
a team that overcame the odds,

a team that defied the critics,

a team that blah,
blah, blah, blah...

And so, the ideal of sports once
again blossomed from a tiny seed,

nurtured, as always,
by the dreams of the young.

Yeah! I'm the King
of the World! Yeah!

You've been psyched out
and you're goin' down

I'm the trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown

I will abuse you until you lose

You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out

You talked to 20 men
Your shoe's untied

And your mama never loved you

Mama never loved you

She said she did
but she's ugly and she lies

She's never thinkin' of you

Mama doesn't love you

You ain't cut
from the right cloth

You don't got what it takes

Now you blew it
Oh, another stupid mistake

Another bad, bad break

You been psyched out
and you're goin' down

I'm a trash-talkin'
talented, no-class clown

I will abuse you until you lose

You can go on home and pout
You've been psyched out

Oh, yeah!

Doorways open up and close

More ways to a punch line

They're all laughin'
at your clothes

Standin' in the lunch line

You're the talk of the town

First you're up then you're down

It's a cycle I've found
It always comes around

But I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Air raids in the afternoon

The children are playin'

Switchblades
Colored red balloons

No one hears you prayin'

And it comes back to you
All the things that you do

They'll come lookin' for you
They'll come lookin' for you

But I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Doorways lead to other rooms

Always leave you lyin'

Face down in a stranger's tomb

Didn't know you were dyin'

And you rise and you fall

And you wait for the call

You're watchin' the walls
You're watchin' the walls

But I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Laughin', laughin', laughin'

Laughin'

I will still be laughin'

Yes, I will still be laughin'

Laughin', laughin', laughin'

Laughin'

Dude.
Dude.

Dude.
Dude.