Original subtitles

- Come on, she's coming. - She might not want this.

There's nothing worse than not celebrating a birthday.

BILLY: Her birthday's two days away. - Act natural.

- That's natural? - Get in there.

- What? - Nothing.

Surprise!

Surprise!

You really shouldn't have!

- Happy birthday... - No! No!

No happy, no singing.

ALLY: No! It's not my birthday yet.

MAN: Ally McBeal? - Yes?

- I have a summons. - A summons for what?

A summons for you!

RICHARD: Elaine! - She'll love it!

["IT'S NOT UNUSUAL" PLAYS]

ELAINE: Oh, come on, Ally!

ELAINE: Make it a happy birthday!

VONDA SINGS: I've been down this road

Happy Birthday, Baby

Walking the line That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

RENEE: What's the big deal about 28? - It's two years from 30.

At 15, I'd look at people who were 30 and think, "Die already."

- And would they? - I'm serious.

I'm strong enough to confront a certain truth.

- What's that? - I'm nothing without my face.

- I see. - It starts cracking at 30.

The reason I look as young as I do is...

...I had the sense not to smile growing up.

And I stayed out of the sun.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

No smiles, no sunshine. Got it all figured out.

Hello? Today? No.

I don't care how simple it is. I don't march into trial without...

What?

Henderson? Oh, yes, I do know a little about this.

Yes. Okay, then, I'll see you there.

Henderson? Mark Henderson?

Guess who you're up against, twig?

We'll have a party in the bar after work.

ELAINE: I thought maybe we could do a number.

If you want to be a performer, take off your clothes.

She's depressed about her birthday. I've listened in on her calls.

Good. Moving on.

Henderson trial today. How stands the Biscuit?

Battery, yes, but breaking and entering?

- I agree. - He used an open door.

I doubt we'll settle. Renee has the case.

- What? ALLY: Yeah.

D.A. Loeb left the office. Renee got the case, which isn't good.

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

I know it's there. It's a fashion thing.

What about insanity?

- A fetish doesn't make him insane. - He's a perv, Richard.

MAN: I heard that. - Mark, hey!

So I'm a perv, am I?

Oh, no. That's a legal term.

Perv: Protective evidentiary retroactive... Vicky.

- Vicky? - Vidi, Veni, Vicky. Team motto.

We'll win. John, Ally, meet with him.

Hi.

It was 3:32 a.m.

- I have a clock on my nightstand. RENEE: And you were awake?

Not at first. I was asleep when it started.

Okay. I want you to tell us exactly what happened.

CHERYL: Like I said, I was sleeping and then, at first...

...I felt a draft on my foot.

CHERYL: And then a tickle. - A tickle?

That's what woke me. I felt this tickle on my left foot.

CHERYL: I looked and the covers had been peeled away, exposing my foot.

- What else? CHERYL: I saw a figure in darkness.

I thought I was dreaming. But as my eyes adjusted I could see...

- What did you see? - I saw him!

CHERYL: That man! RENEE: And what was he doing?

- Tickling me! - And then?

I screamed as loud as I could and he ran out.

- Then what? - I dialed 911.

I told the police a man tickled my foot.

- This man was no stranger, was he? - No.

- You'd gone out on three dates. - Even so...

And your door wasn't locked, was it?

- That gives him the right to sneak in? - My point is, nothing was broken.

- He opened the door and entered. CHERYL: Uninvited, in the night.

Ms. Bonner... Cheryl.

During your dates...

...didn't you tell him that you liked foot massages?

- You don't need this notarized? - No. All four copies need signatures.

It's not in my nature to leech advice, but a pain here.

- Could it be appendicitis? - Could be. Get it checked out.

- Do you check for appendicitis? - At work.

And for appendicitis, you'd need to do a pelvic?

I'm an ER doctor. I get involved in emergencies.

- So I should wait. - All done here. Bye.

For Ally's birthday, we're throwing a surprise party at the bar.

Some of us will sing. You did theater in college?

- I did. - She'd be thrilled if you sang a song.

- I don't sing much anymore. - She'd so love it.

We're having a jam thing, rehearsal, today.

She gets sad. You not sleeping with her made it worse.

- Excuse me? - It would mean a lot to her.

At least think about it.

- Obviously, I'm mortified. - What were you thinking?

We'd just had our third date, and things were going swimmingly.

That gave you the right to accost her foot?

MARK: Well, she had told me that she found foot massages to be erotic.

And she also said that she liked men to surprise her.

She made both representations in one sentence.

I took this to be a hint.

I'm not going to sit here and be disparaged.

A hint. She says she likes foot rubs.

That's a hint to show up at 3:00 a.m.?

I went to her house and said to myself if it was a hint...

...and if she did want me to enter...

MARK: ...she would've left the door open.

- So you drove... MARK: I went up to her door.

And I put my hand on the doorknob, and I went to turn it.

MARK: And it turned. So I entered.

I went into her room and saw her there, sleeping.

Her little feet were twitching ever so slightly beneath the covers.

MARK: Something inside of me said, "Go. Go to her."

And I did. I did. I knelt beside the bed.

I slowly lifted back the blanket.

MARK: Then I lifted back the sheet.

MARK: There it was.

Oh, there it was, Your Honor.

- Her foot. - Not her foot. A specimen of a foot.

The curvature of the arch. It was a goddess... A goddess foot.

What did you do?

I had to touch it. I had to touch it...

...and I slowly extended my index finger.

I went to her...

...and I began to digitally caress her.

If I'd known you stay out late, I probably never would've hired you.

Well, tomorrow isn't exactly the biggest of cases.

I think I'll be okay.

- I had another great time. - Me too.

Want to come up for some coffee?

I would love to, but I got rounds. Early morning.

ALLY: Is this guy gay or what?

Well, thanks for walking me home.

Sure.

ALLY: Definitely not gay.

- Greg, come upstairs. - Got those Pips snapping behind you?

This is all me. Come upstairs with me.

You know what?

I'll definitely take a rain check on that.

RENEE: How did it go? - It was great.

RENEE: Good.

ELAINE: Yeah, that's the way I like it.

I want more bass. When my hips move, I want this room to quake.

The bass has to commensurate with my sexuality.

Give me a little snare on my wiggle.

ELAINE SINGS: I'm a woman

W... Greg!

Thanks, guys. Greg. Well?

You think she'd really like it?

She'll need the Bounty "quicker picker-upper."

ELAINE: Will you do it? - I don't know. It's been a while.

- Do you all sing like pros? - I do. It's the thought that counts.

If you're no good, I'll tell you. I won't embarrass you.

- Can I use the piano? - Go right ahead.

- The jury was rapt. They are with me. - They were rapt because it was weird.

Don't project your idea of normal onto me.

- Poughkeepsie. - I dislike that word.

- Please don't snap at me. - What's up?

- He won't let us argue insanity. - I'm not insane. I like feet, so what?

- So what? - Men liking breasts is sane?

I mean, to me, breasts are nothing but fleshy lumps of fat.

Now, a foot has character.

- I like wattle. - Excuse me?

Neck wattle. The way it hangs. If you like feet, you'll love wattle.

- Are you making fun of me? - He isn't.

I love her, she had me arrested. Do you think that's fun?

Do you think that is great fun?

- You're upset. - I'm not.

- Why are you acting like this? - I get edgy before trial.

- A curler pinched my hair nerve. - Ally.

Don't "Ally" me. I dislike being "Ally-ed" by men.

- You're angry I didn't go upstairs. - What?

- So? - You think I didn't want to?

What are you waiting for? I'm almost 30.

Oh, no. I read an article about a remote African tribe...

...where women have sex after 30.

Sarcasm is a bad strategy. Did you come to spew sarcasm?

No, I came here to sign my release papers.

Fine. Elaine will help you. I have to go to court.

What are you doing?

Bad day, so I'm splashing cold water on my face.

- You're not splashing it on your face. ALLY: Of course not.

If I did it, I'd have to reapply all my makeup.

Another thing about living in a male world.

We can't even splash cold water on our faces.

- Anything you feel like talking about? - It's nothing.

This client won't let me argue his fetishism.

If I could, I'd get him off.

Of course, he could get himself off by sniffing a shoe.

You know, I had a plan, Georgia. My whole life, I had a plan.

At 28, I was gonna take maternity leave.

I'd be on partnership track and home at night with my husband...

...reading What to Expect When Nursing and Trying Cases.

Instead, I sleep with an inflatable doll and have clients who suck toes.

This was not the plan. And you with your new haircut!

Thanks. Thanks for letting me unload.

Bye.

GEORGIA: Ally? - Hmm?

What makes your problems bigger than everybody else's?

They're mine.

- Ms. McBeal? - Mr. Henderson, hey.

- May I? - Sure.

I love her.

I really do love her.

Does that make any difference?

Legally, no. But insanity has legal meaning.

- We'll win if we go with that. - Depends on what we try to win.

- Well, what are you trying to win? - Her.

See, if I take that stand and if I say I have an illness...

...the jury might let me go. But then, so will she.

- They can't make her take you back. - But they can...

Maybe they could tell her not to condemn me.

You invited them here?

- This case should go away. - This could be witness-tampering.

- Lf you don't tell... - Renee knows.

- Will she drop the charges? - That, I don't know. I have to...

Ally McBeal, this one's for you.

- What's going on? - Birthday surprise.

VONDA SINGS: I can starch and iron

Who thought of this?

- You'll know. Listen, feel yourself. - Feel myself?

Potential theme song.

Cause I'm a woman

W- O-M-A-N

I'll say it again

I can rub and scrub till this old House shines just like a dime

Feed the baby, grease the car and Powder my face at the same time

Get all dressed up

- You've got to be kidding me. - Aren't birthdays fun?

Start all over again Cause I'm a woman

W- O-M-A-N

Renee's never gonna believe me.

- She will. - What do you mean?

RENEE SINGS: If you come to me Sickly I'm gonna make you well

Oh, no.

I'm gonna break the spell

If it's love you're lacking I'll kiss You and give you the shivering fits

Woman, W-O-M-A-N

I am drawn to that woman.

W- O-M-A-N

Cause I'm a woman

W- O-M-A-N

Cause I'm a woman

W- O-M-A-N, Woman

Yeah!

Happy birthday!

Whoo!

Somebody should die for this.

I wouldn't mind seeing you all die.

I'm angry. It's a pretext to get me to drop the charges.

- I thought... - Why was the spotlight on you?

Tomorrow is my birthday. If you would look at a plea bargain...

- How old? - 28. The D.A. And I could work...

- Married? - No!

Cheryl, this man didn't harm you, nor did he mean to.

He scared me to death! You try waking up with Dr. Scholl.

It was totally wrong for him to enter your apartment.

Even with an invitation, it's just something you don't do.

- But this man isn't a criminal. - He is a criminal.

- He is a liar and a criminal. - When did I ever lie to you?

You lied pretending to be normal.

And you're sick. You pretended to...

Could we go someplace private?

This isn't just some citizen's arrest. You sound hurt.

CHERYL: I am hurt.

Okay.

Why?

I'm sure a person like you meets a lot of men, goes out a lot.

I don't, okay?

- I'm not sure I follow. - Every guy, whatever reason: Loser!

Or maybe I'm the loser.

Let's just say it never really happened for me.

- When I met Mark, we just... - Clicked?

- We're both tipsters. He tell you? - Sorry?

You hear on the car radio, "Just heard, Route 128 is jammed."

CHERYL: The people who call in. - Tipsters.

He was the first guy I ever thought, maybe...

They say there's a somebody for everybody.

This was the first time I believed it.

I even went to bed thinking it.

Thinking how lucky I was that maybe I found my man.

Cheryl, he wasn't... He has a quirk.

It's a sickness!

I realize that I am no bargain, but...

MARK: Hi, excuse me.

Do you think that I'm confident with women?

MARK: I read the magazines. I read them.

Cosmopolitan. There's these women...

...wrapping themselves up with Saran Wrap to surprise their husbands.

And there's these women with all these erogenous zones.

MARK: And, I'm just...

MARK: ...trying. I'm...

I'm sorry.

This wasn't about...

...you trying to be erogenous or erotic, Mark.

We both know that.

- I can't dismiss. - Cheryl wouldn't object.

- This is about... - My office would object.

- It's his third time. - What if he gets help?

My office considers him a serial sex offender.

- It's not up to me. Where's Greg? - He said he was coming.

I know I will be.

I realize that you have your little office politics, but this...

[DRUMROLL]

One last surprise for the birthday girl.

Oh, now what?

GREG SINGS: Treat me like a fool

But love me

But love me

Baby!

My God!

Napkin?

You're turning me on!

I'll be sad and blue

Now, this...

[WOMEN CHEERING]

WOMAN: Yeah! All right!

Your heart

Beating close to mine

RENEE SINGS: Don't

Leave my embrace

Here in my arms is your place

When the night grows cold

Baby, don't say don't

If you think that this is

Just a game

I'm playing

I mean

Every word I'm saying

Don't

To the stars that

Shine above me

I am yours

I will stay

Love me, love me, love me

MAN: Sing it!

- I didn't mean it like that. - What did you mean?

Somebody great was on stage. I thought "upstage him."

You upstaged me.

- It was a song. - It was harmony.

- You did everything but hump his leg. - It was a song! Sorry.

- You must know I'd never cut in... - The whole room saw you cut in.

ALLY: Who are you trying to kid? - I'm not interested in Greg.

RENEE: I promise.

Even if I were...

...you have to know I'd never betray you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What do you know? It's Sonny and Cher.

- It was just a song. - It was. The first song was to you.

The second ditty stays a little more etched.

I guess I should celebrate getting you in my apartment.

Can Renee sing you into my room?

I'm here to see you. I find Renee nosy.

I know I'm being stupid, but I would probably feel...

...a little less insecure if you...

...I don't know, snuck into my room and tickled my toes once.

What is it?

I...

I took a new job.

New hospital. It's in Chicago.

- Oh. - Yeah. Oh.

I have been afraid to walk down a road that...

...ends in Illinois. Not that it has to be over for us...

But it wouldn't be smart not to have a beginning.

GREG: I don't know what to say.

The truth is, I think I've fallen in love with you.

You have. This is a sure sign.

Men who fall in love with me leave to promote their careers.

I'd be running the ER.

- It's such an opportunity. - Stupid to pass up. I understand.

Can I still take you out for your birthday?

No, I think you have blown out enough candles for one birthday.

Ally...

I'm fine. We weren't in a relationship.

This is nipped in the bud. Buds don't feel pain. I'm okay.

ALLY: But I am...

...tired.

And I need to write this closing argument...

...so I need for you to leave now.

And thanks for the great song.

["TELL HIM" PLAYS]

RENEE: I'm sorry. I didn't mean... - Stop blaming yourself.

This has nothing to do with you. He's an ER doctor.

People get hurt in Chicago: Gunshots, heart attacks.

I can't compete with that.

At least he didn't sleep with you before telling.

Yeah.

At least.

Did you want to sleep with him once?

Because I definitely blew that. He wouldn't have told you if I hadn't...

I'm fine. I'm used to getting dumped.

Think back. This isn't pain I'm feeling. It's nostalgia.

Now, let's get to court.

- What is that? - Ice goggles. I invented them.

Eyes get puffy in the morning, especially while retaining water.

- Out late last night? - Well, with that number I did...

- Can I ask you an ethical question? - What?

If you invite a dozen or so men home with you from a bar...

...and a good many actually show...

...are you expected to sleep with all of them?

Gee, Elaine, can I think on that one?

This isn't about feet or if it's okay to be sexually attracted to them.

ALLY: This case isn't about that.

It's about his entering without being invited.

It was stupid. Mr. Henderson pleads not guilty by reason of insanity.

Not legal insanity.

But one that can actually be much more powerful:

Loneliness.

Do you know what the most common insanity is?

It's the idea that love will come to you, even if you do nothing.

"The right one will come. Just wait."

Who the hell came up with that?

How many couples do you know? How many friends do you have...

...that you can truly say, "The right one came along"?

You talk to most people, they'll say the right one got away.

ALLY: My point:

Ask anybody what they want the most.

It's love.

ALLY: Personal happiness matters more than our careers.

Yet look at what we do with our time.

Nobody works on their personal lives.

We just assume that it'll take care of itself.

Well, sometimes, it doesn't.

It wasn't happening for Mr. Henderson.

And instead of letting things take their course, he got assertive.

Too assertive? No question. He regrets it. But sometimes...

...what you regret the most are the things that you don't do.

I'm a romantic.

Truth be told, I like to get my toes sucked.

I had an old boyfriend down there so long once, he loosened a nail.

So what? Like Ms. McBeal said:

"That is not the issue."

The issue is his going there...

...committing a non-consensual sexual battery.

That does not fly.

Come on.

Mr. Or Mrs. Right may not come along. It's not that easy.

But you do not get to improve the odds by committing home invasions.

Please!

JUDGE: You've reached a verdict? - Yes, Your Honor.

Will the defendant please rise?

JUDGE: What say you?

FOREPERSON: On the charge of misdemeanor battery...

...we find him not guilty.

On the charge of felony breaking and entering, we find him not guilty.

JUDGE: Members of the jury, thank you for your services.

Thank you. Thank you very, very much.

This is great, Mark.

- But I do think you need counseling. - Yeah.

- Not that kind. - Yes, I will. I will...

Cheryl?

Look, I know that an apology won't help...

...but if that jury can understand...

Let's just try. Can we just try?

Then, you know, after, if you still...

Hey, look. You tried to put me in jail, okay?

Now, if I can forgive that...

Maybe we should go have some coffee...

...and talk. - Okay. Okay.

MARK: That would be great.

I breathed through my mouth for your closing. My nose whistled.

- Maybe if you trimmed your... - Ally?

Talk to you a second?

This had been in the works before we met.

I'm not angry.

You'll love Chicago. The people there are great.

They have the best ribs and the best cupboards.

- The best cupboards? - Everyone talks about their cupboards.

Cubs. It's a baseball team.

Oh.

We don't have to say goodbye. Who knows?

- I could return. - Right.

- We'll keep in touch. - Absolutely.

Great.

So...

Good luck.

You too.

ELAINE: Congrats on the verdict. - Thanks.

- Did you get me anything? - Did I get you anything?

For my birthday. Did you get me anything?

A card, even?

Hello? Are we forgetting about last night?

Did Jesus ask the little drummer boy, "Did you get me anything?"

That would've changed the song's ending.

So on stage, that was you being the little drummer boy?

Correct.

Last night was the same as every night.

It's about you being noticed.

These silly glasses. This is you...

ALLY: ...wanting to be noticed.

How long are you planning on keeping this all up?

Till I'm noticed.

When I was in the 4th grade, my best friend got a new bike.

And she rode it around. Everybody admired it.

Admired her.

My parents couldn't afford a bike.

I even sold myself to the boys at recess for a nickel.

ELAINE: And I did save up enough to buy a bell...

ELAINE: To put on it, if I ever did get a bike.

Well, I never got that bike.

But I made a lot of noise with the bell.

I see.

I have as much entitlement to happiness as you do to misery.

I'm not miserable. I'm just...

- I'm just not there yet. - Me, neither.

We just have our different ways...

...dealing with it.

Renee and I are gonna get some dinner.

- You want to come? - Oh, I'd love to. But...

- Maybe next time. - Sure.

You know, Elaine, you really were great on the stage.

Thank you.

OLD LADY: You stinker!

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