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1
00:00:01,571 --> 00:00:04,491
[TICKING]
2
00:00:09,978 --> 00:00:12,312
Mm, he's, uh...
3
00:00:12,373 --> 00:00:14,625
he's on his way, I
just texted him, so...
4
00:00:14,626 --> 00:00:18,712
- Did he text you back?
- Nope.
5
00:00:18,713 --> 00:00:20,547
Nope.
6
00:00:20,548 --> 00:00:22,883
All right, everybody. Start to shut up.
7
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Ralph, what brings you here?
8
00:00:25,178 --> 00:00:27,471
You're late. I'm...
I'm covering for you.
9
00:00:27,472 --> 00:00:30,390
It's school policy. You can't
leave these students unattended.
10
00:00:30,391 --> 00:00:32,226
Is that a real rule? That's nuts.
11
00:00:32,227 --> 00:00:34,311
He literally leaves
us alone all the time.
12
00:00:34,312 --> 00:00:36,063
Uh, narc much? [CHUCKLES]
13
00:00:36,064 --> 00:00:38,440
Just... just try to be on time.
14
00:00:38,441 --> 00:00:41,902
All right, yeah. Totally.
15
00:00:41,903 --> 00:00:43,821
Come on, dude.
16
00:00:43,822 --> 00:00:47,533
Is it... ah! Just gonna
get some, uh... [SIGHS]
17
00:00:47,534 --> 00:00:48,909
BOTH: Hey!
18
00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:50,661
Jack, where are you goin'?
19
00:00:50,662 --> 00:00:53,497
- Uh, I need SunChips.
- We just discussed this.
20
00:00:53,498 --> 00:00:55,666
You... you can't just leave
because you want chips.
21
00:00:55,667 --> 00:00:57,417
Ah, come on.
22
00:00:57,418 --> 00:01:04,550
♪ ♪
23
00:01:04,551 --> 00:01:06,718
So I had an interesting morning.
24
00:01:06,719 --> 00:01:08,595
As I was pulling out of
my dead mom's driveway,
25
00:01:08,596 --> 00:01:11,849
I turned on my number one
NPR voice crush, Terry Gross,
26
00:01:11,850 --> 00:01:14,935
only to find that she was
interviewing my rival, Miles.
27
00:01:14,936 --> 00:01:16,603
I was so distracted by this injustice
28
00:01:16,604 --> 00:01:19,106
that I accidentally
backed over a possum.
29
00:01:19,107 --> 00:01:20,482
Specifically, his lower half.
30
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He was flat from about here down.
31
00:01:22,610 --> 00:01:24,403
And he was shouting, uh, a lot.
32
00:01:24,404 --> 00:01:26,196
And this presented
me with an interesting
33
00:01:26,197 --> 00:01:27,739
philosophical dilemma.
34
00:01:27,740 --> 00:01:30,909
Was it kinder to let
this animal slowly die
35
00:01:30,910 --> 00:01:34,121
or to bash it to death
with a big wrench?
36
00:01:34,122 --> 00:01:35,747
And once I'd done so, I turned and saw
37
00:01:35,748 --> 00:01:37,040
that one of the possum's relatives
38
00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:38,250
was staring right at me.
39
00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:39,793
He witnessed the entire thing.
40
00:01:39,794 --> 00:01:43,089
This presented me with another
beautiful philosophical dilemma.
41
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:47,134
Was it kinder to let this
new possum be driven mad
42
00:01:47,135 --> 00:01:49,136
by what he'd seen, or
do I bash him to death
43
00:01:49,137 --> 00:01:50,971
with a giant wrench as well?
44
00:01:50,972 --> 00:01:52,598
Needless to say, my morning became
45
00:01:52,599 --> 00:01:54,433
a veritable killing field situation.
46
00:01:54,434 --> 00:01:59,146
And now I'm going to have to
power wash my dead mom's driveway.
47
00:01:59,147 --> 00:02:01,190
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
48
00:02:01,191 --> 00:02:02,983
Sounds like you were lashing out
49
00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:04,693
'cause you were angry that
Miles has a best-seller.
50
00:02:04,694 --> 00:02:06,320
Marcus, you of all people
should be able to discern
51
00:02:06,321 --> 00:02:07,946
when I'm lashing out.
52
00:02:07,947 --> 00:02:09,781
Maybe you should write
your own best-seller.
53
00:02:09,782 --> 00:02:11,575
I've considered that.
54
00:02:11,576 --> 00:02:13,076
It's just difficult to get
any work done in this town,
55
00:02:13,077 --> 00:02:15,914
with its possums and their screams.
56
00:02:17,749 --> 00:02:20,667
There was so much... screaming.
57
00:02:20,668 --> 00:02:23,755
[TICKING]
58
00:02:25,507 --> 00:02:26,507
I need SunChips.
59
00:02:26,508 --> 00:02:28,009
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"]
60
00:02:28,510 --> 00:02:30,260
One, two, three, four!
61
00:02:30,261 --> 00:02:32,679
♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪
62
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,474
♪ Next time well, I'll be smart ♪
63
00:02:35,475 --> 00:02:42,565
♪ ♪
64
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:48,362
Book ideas? You writing a book, Jack?
65
00:02:48,363 --> 00:02:50,489
Oh, just getting down some thoughts.
66
00:02:50,490 --> 00:02:52,324
Oh, you know what kind of books I like?
67
00:02:52,325 --> 00:02:55,118
- Sex mysteries.
- Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl"
68
00:02:55,119 --> 00:02:56,703
- and "Girl on the Train."
- Mm-hmm.
69
00:02:56,704 --> 00:03:00,207
Anything where there's a girl and
she's missing or ideally, dead.
70
00:03:00,208 --> 00:03:02,125
Yes, yes. Ooh, okay, so you know what
71
00:03:02,126 --> 00:03:03,293
your book could be about?
72
00:03:03,294 --> 00:03:04,670
Three women who are best friends,
73
00:03:04,671 --> 00:03:06,880
but then the Asian one gets taken.
74
00:03:06,881 --> 00:03:08,549
[WHISPERING] For sex.
75
00:03:08,550 --> 00:03:10,884
- Jack, come on!
- Oops.
76
00:03:10,885 --> 00:03:12,052
- ALL: Ooh!
- Busted. [LAUGHS]
77
00:03:12,053 --> 00:03:13,637
Dirty man!
78
00:03:13,638 --> 00:03:15,681
This policy is there
for your protection.
79
00:03:15,682 --> 00:03:18,392
You're responsible if something
happens to one of your students
80
00:03:18,393 --> 00:03:20,060
while you're out toodling around.
81
00:03:20,061 --> 00:03:21,562
Ralph, Ralph, these kids are teenagers.
82
00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:23,522
You think they can't be
left alone for two seconds?
83
00:03:23,523 --> 00:03:25,107
- [CLATTERING]
- Go!
84
00:03:25,108 --> 00:03:28,735
Are you okay? What happened?
85
00:03:28,736 --> 00:03:30,487
How did this happen?
86
00:03:30,488 --> 00:03:32,906
He fell. We were playing
Jelly Bean Quidditch.
87
00:03:32,907 --> 00:03:34,533
Yeah, it's where you stand on your desk
88
00:03:34,534 --> 00:03:36,076
and throw jelly beans
in each other's mouths.
89
00:03:36,077 --> 00:03:38,078
How is that Quidditch?
Where's the golden snitch?
90
00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:40,080
- So nerdy.
- Ah... it... nerdy.
91
00:03:40,081 --> 00:03:41,748
Victor? Victor?
92
00:03:41,749 --> 00:03:43,709
You okay, buddy? You wanna hop up there?
93
00:03:43,710 --> 00:03:45,252
You know, this all happened
94
00:03:45,253 --> 00:03:46,712
because Mr. Griffin left us unattended.
95
00:03:46,713 --> 00:03:48,672
He can't do that. School policy.
96
00:03:48,673 --> 00:03:51,425
Yes, Sarika, thank you for taking
97
00:03:51,426 --> 00:03:53,176
what I said earlier
and shouting it at me.
98
00:03:53,177 --> 00:03:55,638
Okay, let's take this to my office.
99
00:03:58,349 --> 00:04:00,392
Concussion test.
100
00:04:00,393 --> 00:04:02,728
Pupils not dilated.
101
00:04:02,729 --> 00:04:06,315
Eyelashes are gorgeous.
That is not fair. Gimme, gimme.
102
00:04:06,316 --> 00:04:08,900
Impulse control. On the count of three,
103
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:10,944
look right into here
and do not blink, okay?
104
00:04:10,945 --> 00:04:12,362
Wah!
105
00:04:12,363 --> 00:04:14,031
Okay, this is bad. All right, Victor
106
00:04:14,032 --> 00:04:16,199
could be hurt, the
school could get sued.
107
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:17,784
It's... it's like you only care
108
00:04:17,785 --> 00:04:19,578
- about yourself, Jack.
- Technically, deep down,
109
00:04:19,579 --> 00:04:21,246
we all only care about ourselves.
110
00:04:21,247 --> 00:04:23,290
- Psychological egoism.
- Well, you know what?
111
00:04:23,291 --> 00:04:25,626
I happen to care about this school.
112
00:04:25,627 --> 00:04:27,210
But... but yeah, you don't respect that.
113
00:04:27,211 --> 00:04:28,462
And... and frankly, I don't...
114
00:04:28,463 --> 00:04:29,796
I don't think you respect me.
115
00:04:29,797 --> 00:04:31,590
Oh, come on, Ralph. You know we coo.
116
00:04:31,591 --> 00:04:34,301
No, I don't know that. Are we coo?
117
00:04:34,302 --> 00:04:36,136
I'm gonna take Victor back to class.
118
00:04:36,137 --> 00:04:39,306
He's still a bit slow, but I
think that was already there.
119
00:04:39,307 --> 00:04:41,600
Ah, yeah.
120
00:04:41,601 --> 00:04:43,143
Wait, who's with the kids right now?
121
00:04:43,144 --> 00:04:44,978
Oh, God, we left them alone again!
122
00:04:44,979 --> 00:04:46,938
- That's hilarious.
- Jack, plea...
123
00:04:46,939 --> 00:04:49,316
- Helen, go cover for me.
- I also called
124
00:04:49,317 --> 00:04:52,110
the teacher's union and
the rep is here to see Jack.
125
00:04:52,111 --> 00:04:54,154
Which one... wa... not Kim.
126
00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:56,490
Not Kim. Oh, God, please not Kim.
127
00:04:56,491 --> 00:04:58,158
Not Kim, please, not Kim.
128
00:04:58,159 --> 00:05:00,786
Hey! Kim! What's up?
129
00:05:00,787 --> 00:05:02,329
Jack, don't say another word.
130
00:05:02,330 --> 00:05:04,749
- Ralph, get out.
- The room is yours.
131
00:05:07,585 --> 00:05:09,670
- Tums?
- No, I'm good.
132
00:05:09,671 --> 00:05:11,254
I'm freakin' addicted.
133
00:05:11,255 --> 00:05:14,800
My name is Kim Burke
and as your union rep,
134
00:05:14,801 --> 00:05:17,928
I am always on the side of the teacher.
135
00:05:17,929 --> 00:05:20,931
I don't care if you did kill that kid.
136
00:05:20,932 --> 00:05:22,766
[CHUCKLES] I don't wanna know.
137
00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:25,018
As I see it, you have two options.
138
00:05:25,019 --> 00:05:27,354
Or, as I like to call them...
139
00:05:27,355 --> 00:05:28,605
doors.
140
00:05:28,606 --> 00:05:29,981
Huh?
141
00:05:29,982 --> 00:05:31,858
Door number one:
142
00:05:31,859 --> 00:05:34,695
admit you're at fault, take a one week,
143
00:05:34,696 --> 00:05:36,279
unpaid suspension.
144
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:39,825
However, this could go
on your permanent record.
145
00:05:39,826 --> 00:05:41,660
- So...
- Eh.
146
00:05:41,661 --> 00:05:46,456
Then there's door... or option... two.
147
00:05:46,457 --> 00:05:47,791
We fight it!
148
00:05:47,792 --> 00:05:50,377
You should know, this
could take a while.
149
00:05:50,378 --> 00:05:52,963
Because there will be an investigation.
150
00:05:52,964 --> 00:05:54,631
Right, and while all that's going on,
151
00:05:54,632 --> 00:05:56,800
you won't be allowed
back in that classroom.
152
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:58,385
Say more about that.
153
00:05:58,386 --> 00:06:00,220
You'd be in something
called teacher jail,
154
00:06:00,221 --> 00:06:02,723
which is basically a trailer
where you sit around all day.
155
00:06:02,724 --> 00:06:04,224
But that could take a couple months.
156
00:06:04,225 --> 00:06:06,226
That's a long time to not get paid.
157
00:06:06,227 --> 00:06:08,353
Oh, who said that? You would get paid.
158
00:06:08,354 --> 00:06:10,397
Full salary.
159
00:06:10,398 --> 00:06:11,898
You know what?
160
00:06:11,899 --> 00:06:13,942
It feels wrong sweeping
this under the rug.
161
00:06:13,943 --> 00:06:15,902
I'd be willing to stay in that damn jail
162
00:06:15,903 --> 00:06:18,071
for as long as it takes
to make this right.
163
00:06:18,072 --> 00:06:19,865
[WHISPERING] Say the words, Jack,
164
00:06:19,866 --> 00:06:24,536
and I will unleash the dogs.
165
00:06:24,537 --> 00:06:26,329
Kim...
166
00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:29,667
- unleash the dogs.
- [HOWLING]
167
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:37,527
This is teacher jail.
168
00:06:38,511 --> 00:06:41,513
Yeah, I bet I can guess
what some of these guys did.
169
00:06:41,514 --> 00:06:43,098
- [CHUCKLES]
- Right now, I'm taking you
170
00:06:43,099 --> 00:06:45,267
off my team and handing
you over to the coach.
171
00:06:45,268 --> 00:06:47,269
He's gonna take it from here.
172
00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:48,853
All right.
173
00:06:48,854 --> 00:06:51,314
Here's the rules, Kemosabe:
174
00:06:51,315 --> 00:06:52,649
Number one, every day you're here,
175
00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:55,444
you've gotta sign in.
176
00:06:56,445 --> 00:06:57,612
Sorry, I was waiting for number two.
177
00:06:57,613 --> 00:06:59,781
Okay. All right.
178
00:06:59,782 --> 00:07:06,831
♪ ♪
179
00:07:13,191 --> 00:07:15,901
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
180
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,487
How we feeling?
181
00:07:18,488 --> 00:07:19,988
Been through so much.
182
00:07:19,989 --> 00:07:21,907
That's why Principal
Durbin has entrusted me
183
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,910
with the sacred duty
to... as he would say...
184
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,411
just take care of it, Helen.
185
00:07:26,412 --> 00:07:28,246
So I went on my computer and I searched
186
00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:30,749
for every available sub in the district.
187
00:07:30,750 --> 00:07:34,128
And I think I found someone
that you're really gonna love.
188
00:07:35,546 --> 00:07:37,882
Come on in, don't be shy. Come on.
189
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:40,842
Tada! It's me.
190
00:07:40,843 --> 00:07:44,095
You think I'd leave you
guys with a stranger?
191
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:46,056
I'm gonna teach you what I know.
192
00:07:46,057 --> 00:07:48,433
Starting with the gorgeous
velveteen labyrinth
193
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:51,561
that is the female reproductive system.
194
00:07:51,562 --> 00:07:54,356
This is my cervix.
195
00:07:54,357 --> 00:07:57,318
Who can tell me the five
things that are wrong with it?
196
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:00,612
Okay, ladies.
197
00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:03,448
I'm trying to get a sense
of the culture around here.
198
00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:04,783
- Nobody?
- Mm-mm.
199
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,451
All right, then.
200
00:08:06,452 --> 00:08:08,912
Is everybody following
the supervision policy?
201
00:08:08,913 --> 00:08:12,624
I do. Other people may
leave their class sometimes.
202
00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:15,001
Not me. Not even if I
have to use the bathroom.
203
00:08:15,002 --> 00:08:17,838
- I just control it.
- She's so dedicated.
204
00:08:17,839 --> 00:08:19,097
- Oh, she's amazing.
- She's a queen.
205
00:08:19,098 --> 00:08:20,132
She has pooped her
pants a couple of times.
206
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,758
- Wait, what?
- I have.
207
00:08:21,759 --> 00:08:24,719
But I just borrow some red
track pants from lost and found.
208
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,304
I wash them and put them back.
209
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:29,140
- Nobody wants those now.
- Let the lost be lost.
210
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,142
Hey! Hey, Durbin!
211
00:08:31,143 --> 00:08:33,645
Come back here! Durbin!
212
00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:35,480
Where you going?
213
00:08:35,481 --> 00:08:37,649
Hey, what do you got there?
214
00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,234
This?
215
00:08:39,235 --> 00:08:40,986
This is my dog chow.
216
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:42,988
Your... your what?
217
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:45,490
The dogs are loose.
218
00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:46,908
What... what dogs?
219
00:08:46,909 --> 00:08:48,660
Jack wants to fight his case.
220
00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:52,330
So you can just wipe that
smug look right off your face.
221
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:53,748
Why do you hate me so much?
222
00:08:53,749 --> 00:08:55,083
Because you're weak.
223
00:08:55,084 --> 00:08:56,877
And I don't trust you with my teachers.
224
00:08:56,878 --> 00:08:59,045
You don't deserve to be their principal.
225
00:08:59,046 --> 00:09:00,839
Just like you didn't deserve
226
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,591
to be captain of the Glee Club.
227
00:09:02,592 --> 00:09:04,843
Okay, Kim, that was 25 years ago.
228
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,344
- I don't care!
- You gotta let it go!
229
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:08,847
No! Mr. K felt sorry for you.
230
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:10,932
Everybody knows it should've been...
231
00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:16,354
♪ me ♪
232
00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:19,274
Yeah. I see you for what
you really are, Durbin.
233
00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:20,859
You're no leader of men.
234
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:23,153
You're nothing but a cutie patootie.
235
00:09:23,154 --> 00:09:25,197
You know what? I may
be a cutie patootie,
236
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,324
but I'm still the boss around here.
237
00:09:27,325 --> 00:09:29,451
And you were flatting. Good day.
238
00:09:29,452 --> 00:09:30,452
[GASPS]
239
00:09:30,453 --> 00:09:31,536
- [GRUNTS]
- Uh!
240
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,539
Oh, my God.
241
00:09:36,792 --> 00:09:38,084
Mm-mm.
242
00:09:38,085 --> 00:09:41,087
Wh... whatcha workin' on?
243
00:09:41,088 --> 00:09:45,050
Uh, I'm trying to come up
with ideas for a new book.
244
00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,886
Philosophy... but I'm not
quite sure where to begin.
245
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:53,183
Plato says, "All philosophy
begins in wonder."
246
00:09:53,184 --> 00:09:55,560
- You know Plato.
- I dabble.
247
00:09:55,561 --> 00:09:59,147
- Jack.
- Oh, Philip.
248
00:09:59,148 --> 00:10:01,066
Homemade shortbread?
249
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,401
Yes. [BOTH LAUGH]
250
00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,237
Wow. Mmm.
251
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,571
What are you here for?
252
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:07,906
- You ready for this?
- Hm?
253
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:09,658
I tickled some of the other teachers.
254
00:10:09,659 --> 00:10:11,826
[BOTH LAUGH]
255
00:10:11,827 --> 00:10:13,245
- Why?
- What can I say?
256
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,580
I'm a tickler. I love
to make people laugh,
257
00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:17,249
but I don't know any jokes.
258
00:10:17,250 --> 00:10:19,459
- Hm.
- It only takes one person,
259
00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:21,294
though, to call you a teacher tickler.
260
00:10:21,295 --> 00:10:23,421
And true or not, you're ruined.
261
00:10:23,422 --> 00:10:25,340
- Mm.
- You are ruined.
262
00:10:25,341 --> 00:10:27,425
- But it was true?
- Very much.
263
00:10:27,596 --> 00:10:28,930
- Mm.
- Yeah.
264
00:10:28,931 --> 00:10:30,932
So, what have you got
so far on this book?
265
00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:32,684
Ohh... I don't know.
266
00:10:32,685 --> 00:10:34,436
Something about the
distortion of the ego
267
00:10:34,437 --> 00:10:37,105
that comes from late
capitalism's denial of death.
268
00:10:37,106 --> 00:10:38,440
Mind if I type this down?
269
00:10:38,441 --> 00:10:41,276
I mean, it may help to have someone else
270
00:10:41,277 --> 00:10:43,778
- tickle the keyboard.
- [LAUGHS]
271
00:10:43,779 --> 00:10:46,115
Yeah, I'd like that.
272
00:10:48,617 --> 00:10:51,870
Great. Let's dispel some common myths.
273
00:10:51,871 --> 00:10:53,788
Pull-out method. Don't work.
274
00:10:53,789 --> 00:10:55,790
Menopause, not real.
275
00:10:55,791 --> 00:10:58,877
Vaginal orgasm, gimme a break.
276
00:10:58,878 --> 00:11:01,045
I thought we were gonna
get a real teacher.
277
00:11:01,046 --> 00:11:02,672
You think I wanted this?
278
00:11:02,673 --> 00:11:05,300
I'm gonna need a volunteer. Let me see.
279
00:11:05,301 --> 00:11:08,136
Somebody maybe in the very, very back.
280
00:11:08,137 --> 00:11:11,139
How about, uh, Anthony.
281
00:11:11,140 --> 00:11:12,807
Come on down.
282
00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:15,143
Come on down, Anthony. Oh, yes.
283
00:11:15,144 --> 00:11:16,478
Come on. Now, Anthony,
284
00:11:16,479 --> 00:11:18,730
I'm gonna say a part of the female body
285
00:11:18,731 --> 00:11:20,815
and I want you to define
it and then I want you
286
00:11:20,816 --> 00:11:21,983
to point it out on me.
287
00:11:21,984 --> 00:11:23,151
This is gonna be fun.
288
00:11:23,152 --> 00:11:24,777
Sarika, you have to fix this!
289
00:11:24,778 --> 00:11:26,654
This is way worse than Mr. Griffin.
290
00:11:26,655 --> 00:11:28,323
Okay!
291
00:11:28,324 --> 00:11:30,825
Ms. Demarcus, can
Victor, Grace, Colin and I
292
00:11:30,826 --> 00:11:32,160
go to the bathroom?
293
00:11:32,161 --> 00:11:33,661
Yeah, the pass is on the desk.
294
00:11:33,662 --> 00:11:36,831
Anthony, perineum.
295
00:11:36,832 --> 00:11:39,627
Keep goin'. Keep goin'.
296
00:11:41,337 --> 00:11:43,546
Keep goin'.
297
00:11:43,547 --> 00:11:45,882
Mine's lower than usual. Keep goin'.
298
00:11:45,883 --> 00:11:48,343
But this desire for a so-called answer
299
00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:52,180
reflects a society
obsessed with the, um...
300
00:11:52,181 --> 00:11:54,516
- uhh...
- Uh, ephemeral?
301
00:11:54,517 --> 00:11:56,267
- Ephemeral.
- Ephemeral, yes.
302
00:11:56,268 --> 00:11:58,186
Yes, Philip, yes.
303
00:11:58,187 --> 00:12:00,188
[SIGHS] I'll tell you, now
that I have a clear thesis,
304
00:12:00,189 --> 00:12:02,023
this book practically will write itself.
305
00:12:02,024 --> 00:12:04,359
I mean, I think we can
have a draft in a month.
306
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,820
- I do.
- Ah, yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]
307
00:12:07,863 --> 00:12:09,197
Can we talk?
308
00:12:09,198 --> 00:12:12,159
Uhh, yeah. One sec.
309
00:12:13,035 --> 00:12:16,538
Look, this thing is getting
blown way out of proportion.
310
00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:18,540
Jack, you know you're in the wrong.
311
00:12:18,541 --> 00:12:21,376
Okay, how about a one day suspension?
312
00:12:21,377 --> 00:12:22,710
Uh, I don't know.
313
00:12:22,711 --> 00:12:24,045
I mean, I think this... this policy
314
00:12:24,046 --> 00:12:25,755
really needs to be examined.
315
00:12:25,756 --> 00:12:27,090
I mean, these... these kids
are old enough to get pregnant.
316
00:12:27,091 --> 00:12:28,466
They can't be alone for two seconds?
317
00:12:28,467 --> 00:12:29,717
That's literally the reason
318
00:12:29,718 --> 00:12:30,802
they shouldn't be left alone.
319
00:12:30,803 --> 00:12:32,804
Look, it's one day, okay?
320
00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:34,222
How about a... a slap on the wrist,
321
00:12:34,223 --> 00:12:35,723
we'll put the whole thing behind us.
322
00:12:35,724 --> 00:12:38,059
Jack, my fingers are getting cold.
323
00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:40,228
Uhh, you know what? I gotta go.
324
00:12:40,229 --> 00:12:41,729
I'm so sorry, Ralph. I don't like this
325
00:12:41,730 --> 00:12:44,191
- any more than you do.
- Get... [SIGHS]
326
00:12:50,597 --> 00:12:52,037
All right, Helen said we could find
327
00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:54,017
every sub in the district on here.
328
00:12:54,018 --> 00:12:55,518
If we find one we like, maybe we can
329
00:12:55,519 --> 00:12:57,020
go around her completely.
330
00:12:57,021 --> 00:12:58,855
- Colin, all clear?
- If I see anyone coming,
331
00:12:58,856 --> 00:13:01,190
- I'll play "Baker Street."
- What's "Baker Street"?
332
00:13:01,191 --> 00:13:03,860
Uh, I think you know.
333
00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:05,528
Here we go.
334
00:13:05,529 --> 00:13:07,196
Let's find the biology
teacher of our dreams.
335
00:13:07,197 --> 00:13:10,283
- Oh, here we go.
- I feel like he's too jacked.
336
00:13:10,284 --> 00:13:12,452
[PLAYING "BAKER STREET" ON SAXOPHONE]
337
00:13:12,453 --> 00:13:14,537
What the...
338
00:13:14,538 --> 00:13:16,622
What the heck are you
guys doing on my Dell?
339
00:13:16,623 --> 00:13:18,875
We're looking for a new substitute.
340
00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:21,794
The truth is...
341
00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:25,048
Principal Durbin needs
you even more than we do.
342
00:13:25,049 --> 00:13:29,385
Yeah. He's been through so much.
343
00:13:29,386 --> 00:13:30,636
Go to him, Helen.
344
00:13:30,637 --> 00:13:32,472
You're good kids.
345
00:13:32,473 --> 00:13:34,891
I'll get your substitute for you.
346
00:13:34,892 --> 00:13:37,727
Ralph! I got you! I got you!
347
00:13:37,728 --> 00:13:39,729
We convince the board
your case has merit,
348
00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:41,230
this thing could drag on for months.
349
00:13:41,231 --> 00:13:42,565
- Mm.
- You sure you're all right
350
00:13:42,566 --> 00:13:44,484
with being in teacher jail?
351
00:13:44,485 --> 00:13:46,527
It's been a weirdly
productive situation.
352
00:13:46,528 --> 00:13:48,362
Mr. Griffin, do you have any questions
353
00:13:48,363 --> 00:13:50,364
- before we begin?
- Um, yes,
354
00:13:50,365 --> 00:13:53,910
are there more white grapes
coming or is this all there is?
355
00:13:53,911 --> 00:13:56,038
Zack?
356
00:13:57,498 --> 00:13:59,415
That's all the grapes.
357
00:13:59,416 --> 00:14:02,585
Principal Durbin, your statement.
358
00:14:02,586 --> 00:14:05,588
Yeah, well, uh, it's...
it's pretty simple.
359
00:14:05,589 --> 00:14:08,508
- Boo.
- I don't think that there's any bad guys here.
360
00:14:08,509 --> 00:14:11,844
- We have a supervision policy.
- Sit down!
361
00:14:11,845 --> 00:14:14,222
- He ignored it.
- Allegedly.
362
00:14:14,223 --> 00:14:15,431
And Victor got hurt!
363
00:14:15,432 --> 00:14:17,434
Kim, your statement.
364
00:14:19,269 --> 00:14:23,105
I want to tell you
about the most dedicated,
365
00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:26,985
caring, hard-working teacher I know.
366
00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:31,322
Jack Griffin.
367
00:14:31,323 --> 00:14:36,118
I... I mean, clearly, he is
suffering and this is hard on him.
368
00:14:36,119 --> 00:14:38,454
Right?
369
00:14:38,455 --> 00:14:40,039
I miss my little sweeties.
370
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:44,460
Why are we persecuting this man
371
00:14:44,461 --> 00:14:49,298
when clearly, the problem
at this school is this man?!
372
00:14:49,299 --> 00:14:51,968
Principal Ralph Durbin.
373
00:14:51,969 --> 00:14:54,470
Dirty Durbin.
374
00:14:54,471 --> 00:14:58,391
Why aren't the teachers
following the school policy?
375
00:14:58,392 --> 00:15:04,564
Well, maybe it's because the
principal is asleep on the job.
376
00:15:04,565 --> 00:15:06,482
Okay, I'm clearly blinking.
377
00:15:06,483 --> 00:15:08,067
Is he focused on work?
378
00:15:08,068 --> 00:15:11,195
Well, not according
to his Google searches.
379
00:15:11,196 --> 00:15:12,697
- Okay, that's private.
- I'll allow it.
380
00:15:12,698 --> 00:15:15,825
"Kokomo is it real"?
381
00:15:15,826 --> 00:15:17,493
Do we really want a principal
382
00:15:17,494 --> 00:15:18,995
who's daydreaming about
383
00:15:18,996 --> 00:15:21,497
some fake paradise in the Florida Keys?
384
00:15:21,498 --> 00:15:22,665
Well, why are the other ones real?
385
00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:27,670
- Aruba, Jamaica...
- Principal Durbin mowing the school lawn
386
00:15:27,671 --> 00:15:31,173
wearing what is known as a wife-beater.
387
00:15:31,174 --> 00:15:32,675
It was a Saturday.
388
00:15:32,676 --> 00:15:36,846
Oh! It's okay, everybody, to
beat your wife on a Saturday.
389
00:15:36,847 --> 00:15:38,097
Do we really think
390
00:15:38,098 --> 00:15:39,974
that Principal Durbin told Jack
391
00:15:39,975 --> 00:15:42,018
about the supervision policy
392
00:15:42,019 --> 00:15:44,353
when he can't even
remember to fix the sign
393
00:15:44,354 --> 00:15:46,689
in front of the school?
394
00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:48,357
Since I've been here this week,
395
00:15:48,358 --> 00:15:52,069
I've noticed nothing but a trail
of destruction on your watch.
396
00:15:52,070 --> 00:15:53,905
Kids falling off of desks,
397
00:15:53,906 --> 00:15:56,282
teachers defecating in their pants,
398
00:15:56,283 --> 00:16:00,036
and a Harvard professor
being micromanaged
399
00:16:00,037 --> 00:16:03,539
by an incompetent, little wiener.
400
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,041
But we have a chance
401
00:16:05,042 --> 00:16:08,210
to be on the right side of history.
402
00:16:08,211 --> 00:16:10,546
Ladies and gentlemen,
403
00:16:10,547 --> 00:16:12,925
fire the wiener.
404
00:16:19,387 --> 00:16:20,526
[BELL RINGING]
405
00:16:20,972 --> 00:16:22,139
Oh... uh, can we just...
406
00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:23,766
can we have a moment?
407
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,267
Okay, thanks. Uh, Kim, can
I talk to you over here?
408
00:16:25,268 --> 00:16:27,478
- I'm killing it, right?
- Just...
409
00:16:27,479 --> 00:16:29,647
can you just ease up
on Durbin a little bit?
410
00:16:29,648 --> 00:16:31,524
I mean, I think we can
both agree as educators
411
00:16:31,525 --> 00:16:33,025
he's not the problem, it's the policy.
412
00:16:33,026 --> 00:16:35,361
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut the crap, Jack.
413
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:37,488
Okay, we both know you
love teacher jail...
414
00:16:37,489 --> 00:16:39,823
being able to get paid
to write your little book
415
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:41,492
and play grab-ass with the freaks.
416
00:16:41,493 --> 00:16:44,495
You punk out on me now,
and all that goes away.
417
00:16:44,496 --> 00:16:46,497
I'm not punking out, I'm
just saying lay off Durbin.
418
00:16:46,498 --> 00:16:48,999
- He's a good guy.
- It's too late, Jack.
419
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,502
You let the dogs out.
420
00:16:51,503 --> 00:16:53,128
All right, everybody.
421
00:16:53,129 --> 00:16:55,172
On my next slide, you're gonna see
422
00:16:55,173 --> 00:16:59,301
Principal Durbin in full
Native American headdress.
423
00:16:59,302 --> 00:17:00,970
It... it was the '90s.
It wasn't bad yet.
424
00:17:00,971 --> 00:17:02,805
Okay, excuse me. Can
I say something here?
425
00:17:02,806 --> 00:17:03,973
- Uh-uh, sit down!
- Just...
426
00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:06,517
I have something to say, okay?
427
00:17:06,518 --> 00:17:08,686
[SIGHS] Kim...
428
00:17:08,687 --> 00:17:11,355
Uh... tickled me.
429
00:17:11,356 --> 00:17:13,566
What?!
430
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:16,694
- I'm sorry.
- She's a teacher tickler.
431
00:17:16,695 --> 00:17:18,654
Yeah, she would wait
until we were all alone
432
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:20,823
and then she would just
go bananas all over me,
433
00:17:20,824 --> 00:17:22,032
tickling me up and down.
434
00:17:22,033 --> 00:17:23,784
Yep.
435
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:26,537
So take her away.
436
00:17:26,538 --> 00:17:28,873
What are you talking
about? Jack, tickling is not
437
00:17:28,874 --> 00:17:30,541
a punishable offense.
438
00:17:30,542 --> 00:17:32,209
I'd call it lightly frowned upon,
439
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:34,503
or awkward... if people are watching.
440
00:17:34,504 --> 00:17:37,965
What... so no one cares
that she tickled me?
441
00:17:37,966 --> 00:17:40,384
Well then why is Philip,
the frickin' best guy I know
442
00:17:40,385 --> 00:17:41,844
in teacher jail right now?
443
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:43,888
That guy did more than just tickle.
444
00:17:43,889 --> 00:17:45,055
Oh. What else did he do.
445
00:17:45,056 --> 00:17:47,224
Uh, well, he... [SIGHS]
446
00:17:47,225 --> 00:17:48,392
- Dated.
- Yes.
447
00:17:48,393 --> 00:17:50,561
He dated the CPR dummy.
448
00:17:50,562 --> 00:17:52,730
Uhh, okay, you know what?
Look, I'm just gonna...
449
00:17:52,731 --> 00:17:55,065
I'm gonna come clean here.
450
00:17:55,066 --> 00:17:56,942
I was out of the room
when the nerd fell,
451
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,944
and Ralph warned me about it.
452
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:04,074
It's totally my fault. So
can we just be done here?
453
00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:06,535
All right, Mr. Griffin
is docked three days pay.
454
00:18:06,536 --> 00:18:08,537
Yeah, and must remain in teacher jail...
455
00:18:08,538 --> 00:18:10,080
And will return to his
classroom immediately.
456
00:18:10,081 --> 00:18:11,415
Ahh.
457
00:18:11,416 --> 00:18:13,585
This is not over, Durbin.
458
00:18:17,547 --> 00:18:20,050
- [BELL RINGING]
- [DOOR OPENS]
459
00:18:22,093 --> 00:18:24,094
My name is Mr. Vining.
460
00:18:24,095 --> 00:18:28,057
I am your new teacher, and I...
461
00:18:28,058 --> 00:18:30,601
- love biology.
- [HOPEFUL MUSIC]
462
00:18:30,602 --> 00:18:32,603
Pretty soon, you're
gonna love it as well.
463
00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:34,730
But not just love it,
464
00:18:34,731 --> 00:18:37,484
you're going to understand it.
465
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,986
So let's not waste another moment.
466
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,738
Our story begins
467
00:18:42,739 --> 00:18:46,951
3.8 billion years ago.
468
00:18:46,952 --> 00:18:49,286
In a humble puddle of amino acid.
469
00:18:49,287 --> 00:18:53,874
[WHISPERING] You may
wanna write that down.
470
00:18:53,875 --> 00:18:55,459
[SIGHS] All right, chief.
471
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:58,462
I appreciate it, but I got it from here.
472
00:18:58,463 --> 00:19:01,091
Oh. Okay.
473
00:19:02,592 --> 00:19:05,260
- Well, uh, fair enough.
- Yep.
474
00:19:05,261 --> 00:19:08,472
All right.
475
00:19:08,473 --> 00:19:10,600
Wait.
476
00:19:13,478 --> 00:19:15,980
Well, I'm back.
477
00:19:15,981 --> 00:19:17,147
Did you guys miss me?
478
00:19:17,148 --> 00:19:19,024
Yeah? Little bit?
479
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:22,027
By the way, I know what y'all did.
480
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:24,989
And, uh, no hard feelings.
481
00:19:24,990 --> 00:19:26,490
What do you mean?
482
00:19:26,491 --> 00:19:27,950
That little accident with Victor,
483
00:19:27,951 --> 00:19:29,326
I know you staged it.
484
00:19:29,327 --> 00:19:30,786
It was just...
485
00:19:30,787 --> 00:19:32,287
it was a little bit too convenient.
486
00:19:32,288 --> 00:19:33,497
You know, the way Victor
487
00:19:33,498 --> 00:19:35,499
fell just after Durbin mentioned
488
00:19:35,500 --> 00:19:37,793
the supervision policy.
489
00:19:37,794 --> 00:19:39,586
But I know Victor...
490
00:19:39,587 --> 00:19:41,797
sweet, simple Victor couldn't come up
491
00:19:41,798 --> 00:19:43,173
with a plan like that on his own.
492
00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,176
He probably had a little bit of help.
493
00:19:47,012 --> 00:19:49,013
I don't know what you're talking about.
494
00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:50,806
"I don't know what
you're talking about."
495
00:19:50,807 --> 00:19:53,350
Sure you don't.
496
00:19:53,351 --> 00:19:55,519
Well, I gotta say, Serika,
you know, I'm impressed.
497
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,479
Yeah, yeah, sometimes I forget
498
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,189
that even though you're
all dumber than me,
499
00:19:59,190 --> 00:20:01,900
there's still some value
to your little brains.
500
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,028
Kinda cool.
501
00:20:04,029 --> 00:20:06,823
Well, it's good to be back.
502
00:20:08,158 --> 00:20:11,536
Oh. Who's this little guy?
503
00:20:13,621 --> 00:20:16,041
[DOOR OPENS]
504
00:20:19,377 --> 00:20:23,881
So... guess you heard I got out.
505
00:20:23,882 --> 00:20:25,883
Guess you heard I'm not just a tickler.
506
00:20:25,884 --> 00:20:28,343
Philip, stop.
507
00:20:28,344 --> 00:20:31,180
You don't need to explain
a damn thing to me.
508
00:20:31,181 --> 00:20:32,890
You're not mad?
509
00:20:32,891 --> 00:20:35,559
Well, I'm... I'm mad you
didn't tell me the truth.
510
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,394
There's no secrets between us.
511
00:20:37,395 --> 00:20:39,730
And what is a friend, but a single soul
512
00:20:39,731 --> 00:20:41,231
dwelling in two bodies.
513
00:20:41,232 --> 00:20:44,443
Aristotle. My favorite philosopher.
514
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:49,031
Well, second favorite now.
515
00:20:49,032 --> 00:20:51,700
Come here, you dumb perv.
516
00:20:51,701 --> 00:20:54,078
[SIGHS]
517
00:20:54,079 --> 00:20:55,412
Ahh! [BOTH LAUGH]
518
00:20:55,413 --> 00:20:57,081
Oh, come on!
519
00:20:57,082 --> 00:20:59,374
Oh, you are so bad.
520
00:20:59,375 --> 00:21:02,087
- [BELL RINGING]
- [TOILET FLUSHES]
521
00:21:03,046 --> 00:21:06,048
[PLAYING "BAKER STREET" ON SAXOPHONE]
522
00:21:06,049 --> 00:21:13,056
♪ ♪
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:10,00
by LiviuBoss
37592
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