Original subtitles

Finally.

Oh, no!

Fernando!

Help me with my suitcases.

You better not be watching soccer.

Oh, no!

No. No!

My fucking mother-in-law!

LOS ESPOOKYS

Hello, Father. Hello, Mother.

What's for breakfast?

Andrecito,

what are you doing here?

- Did you sleep here? - Yes, well… You win.

I will be your little chocolate prince again,

and I'll marry whoever you want.

Thanks, but we're no longer interested.

Your actions have consequences. We can't adopt you all over again.

You decided to leave and be independent,

so go and be independent.

- Well, now I want to be dependent. - Ha!

Andrés, it's time.

You're 30.

Well…

there's no reason to say hurtful things.

Do you think that, as a result of the current political climate,

there is an unfair expectation on female authors

to have protagonists that are strong and likable women?

No.

As the critically acclaimed author of Don Quixote,

One Hundred Years of Solitude, and your book,

I think that the world is full of stories, stories that I find.

Excuse me for interrupting, but

why do you have that little bell, and why are you dressed like that?

- I'm a woman of letters. - Oh.

The real question is why was she invited to this conference?

This is not Tati's fault. It's the organization's fault.

I believe I'm well respected.

Tati, you are not an author.

But I write books.

Tati, Tati!

You don't write books.

You take books that other people wrote and take credit for them,

including authors on this very panel

who have fought hard creating art from our pain and struggle.

But, I wrote the books.

No, Tati, you didn't write the books.

Do you understand the difference between creating something that is your own

and transcribing something that someone else created?

Do you understand the difference, Tati?

Do you understand?

Tati?

Come on, team! Tati needs our help! We have to figure this out.

Come on! Stop playing!

Three… two… one.

Okay, I understand.

That's life. Respect is earned, not stolen.

Thank you very much.

- You all live here together? - Yes.

After the pageant, we realized we had become great friends

and made beautiful memories we'll never forget,

so we decided to move in together.

We haven't spent a day apart since the pageant.

Girls! Meeting!

Well…

I came here to ask what you remember from

the night Karina was crowned

and later found dead on stage?

To me… well, in my opinion, it's a very sad memory.

Did anyone else get sad?

Karina was crowned Nuestra Belleza Latina

and suddenly there was a blackout.

When the lights came back on, Karina was dead

with an anchor through her chest.

But, did any of you see when the anchor went through her chest?

No.

And you're sure she's dead?

Yes, 100%.

If she wasn't dead, she'd be here with us.

But her coffin was buried empty.

Yeah, but what celebrity doesn't have a decoy coffin?

Let me guess…

you're being haunted by Karina's ghost.

You're like the fourth guy to come here because of that.

I think Karina just loves interacting with her fans.

I'm sorry, but…

we can't help you.

No, it's okay. Thank you. I think…

maybe I read too much into it.

Yes, Miss Panama?

Nothing. I forgot.

Miss Panama, are you okay?

Have you been taking your vitamins?

No.

They're too big.

Maybe, after this meeting,

Miss Peru can crush them up for me. She knows how I like them.

Okay. Well, thank you for letting me talk with you.

You're all very cool.

Hey…

do you think you could… I mean, if it's okay…

sign my album?

Hello, Renaldo. My name is Isabel. I'm an actor. An actor seeking help…

I've been doing this show for 37 years.

I've made a lot of loyal fans over the years.

Like my dad. Damn.

I miss him every day.

But my soul has been destroyed by this show.

I play a lady who nags,

who throws away her son-in-law's beer, hits him with an umbrella,

and stands in front of his TV.

Every. Single.

Episode.

Sometimes I throw his bikini girl calendar into the garbage,

but most of the time I just stand in front of his TV.

It's humiliating,

but the network owns my soul.

I signed a life-long contract,

which at first seemed like a good idea,

but then I realized how long a life can be.

I need you guys to free me by getting the show cancelled…

with something spooky, I suppose.

Yeah. We'll do this.

I'll do this… for my dad.

Imagine signing a life-long contract.

And what's up? Have you heard from Andrés?

No, not about the gig.

He called me to ask if I could kick Tati out so he can stay in her room again.

Can you guys keep it down please?

I feel bad.

Maybe I can find a place for him to sleep at my place.

No, the little prince is going to have to figure this out on his own.

Guys, please. Keep it down. I'm working.

Are you still writing your books?

No, I stopped doing that when I learned a very valuable lesson.

Now I work for DHL. I come up with tracking numbers.

Cool.

What happened to the Tati Editions?

When I was at the Women in Literature conference, they said…

Uhh… Well, they explained to me that…

The books were already there…

And Tati…

Well…

They wrote the books…

and I'm Tati…

So the books…

How about this one?

It's pink, and it has a nice boxy fit.

And it'll show your cleavage.

And that's exactly why you have this job.

I'll be bringing you with me when I become the Ambassador to Miami.

Now, all that I need is for the election to go our way.

God, it's already 4 p.m.

I've been up since noon.

Let's hurry up and get out of here.

Happy Friday.

Yay!

What did Melanie mean

by the election going our way?

OK, wow. You said that perfectly.

What Melanie meant is that the Secretary of State is coming

to make sure that we're all doing our part

in tipping the election in favor of the current US-friendly president

who's gonna do a lot of cool things like privatizing water

or buying weapons from us…

Or creating two to three tasteful little wars

that we will profit from…

Stuff that will defend our flag and honor the Constitution.

I thought this was an Andrés thing.

No, it's a me thing.

But we are inside of his head.

Listen to me,

the U.S. Embassy is making pro-establishment

propaganda to help get the President reelected.

Of course.

Aww. What a joy they must have had on Ash Wednesday.

Andrés Valdez,

why are you back in my life?

Juan Carlos,

congratulations, today is your lucky day.

You see, I've run out of options,

so I've decided to hit rock bottom by having sex with my ex.

Hmm…

I'm not interested.

But imagine,

just you and me…

revisiting every little fight we had

during our horrible five-year relationship.

No, Andrés. No.

- Yes, Andrés. - No.

After our breakup and my divorce,

I realized that what I'm attracted to…

is status,

and you have none.

Not anymore.

I'm going to my room to masturbate with a big, cold Rolex.

You know where the exit is.

I, I,

I have a Rolex.

Hi, Melanie.

How did you find me? My location is classified.

You went live on Instagram.

Ambassador Melanie, I know what you're doing,

and it's in your best interest to stop.

Is that a threat?

You need to stop manipulating voters with your propaganda.

Or else what?

How did you get this?

If you don't stop, everyone will see this.

It was a different time.

We didn't know any better. We didn't know what we know now.

I am not this person anymore.

Are you ready for the world to see this?

It comes a time in every patriot's life where you have to make a sacrifice.

You know, when I took this job, I made a vow to destabilize

any nation and to further American interests.

So I'll be damned if a photo of me wearing a dress over jeans

will threaten America from being a beacon of hope and change.

So release the photo.

I'll send you a postcard from Miami, bitch.

Does it fit?

Umm, yes, over my neck and left ankle.

I'm so glad you like it.

Maybe you can tell your friends

so that they know I can make dresses for them, too.

I was thinking of starting my own clothing line, Tico's.

Wow.

Well, take lots of photos in your dress at the party.

And have a good time with that friend of yours who makes all

those hurtful comments that stay with you the rest of your life.

Yeah, umm…

I think I'm going to take the dress in a bag,

and change into it once I get there.

Right, a bag to protect it along the way.

Yes, Uncle, to protect it.

I already bought ticosboutique.com, so you better make some money fast.

Hi.

Madame Secretary! Over here! Please! Look here!

American Ambassador Melanie Gibbons.

Secretary of State Kimberly Reynolds!

Get over here, you slut!

- Melanie! - It's fine.

They don't understand what we're saying. We still don't know what they speak.

Hi!

- I got you this. - You bitch!

Again, thank you all so much for having us…

Was I supposed to wear a hijab?

Oh, no, that's not here.

OK. So,

I personally believe that if both of our countries

continue working together, it's gonna lead to prosperity

for both of our beautiful nations.

The United States is a very important ally.

Yeah, which is why we are gonna make sure we do

everything we can to maintain this critical relationship.

Now, I'm not here to tell you who to vote for,

but I've heard some pretty nasty things

about De La Guardia's opponent.

So just remember that a vote for De La Guardia

is a vote for the US.

- Wait… no, yeah. - No, that was right. That's right.

Yes. Hot.

America looked amazing!

Yeah, seriously, I was so proud to be an American.

- Thank you for that. - Me, too.

Knock, knock! Who's there? It's me, Kimberly.

Krissy, JJ, why don't you go staple some stuff outside?

Yeah, we'll go staple some stuff outside.

You're incredible!

I've been a huge fan since…

That was so good, Melanie.

We lose a lot of stuff

when we don't attach documents to each other.

Alright, so you wanted to talk to me?

Yes. So, as you know,

I've been working here, advancing American interests

for almost a year now.

I put myself on the line,

I take bullets for our flag.

And I really think that our relationship here

would not be the same without me.

So… I was wondering…

if I could transfer to the Miami Embassy!

Melanie, we are obsessed with you.

We love, love, love the work that you're doing.

However, we've looked into this, and it turns out

that there is no American Embassy in Miami.

I know it doesn't look like it if you look at the map,

but once you zoom out,

you will that see that Miami is actually in the US.

They're connected, which we were all really surprised by.

Miami is in the US.

Yep.

- Alright, girl, so good to see you! - Yeah.

- Bye. - Bye.

Those fuckers. They think they can fuck with me.

Let's see who they're actually fucking with.

Fernando,

what are you waiting for?

I need you to give me a foot massage.

Be careful with the bunions!

Hey, what happened?

I'm a virus,

and I'm going to infect all of your computers and phones

if you don't cancel Mi Puta Suegra.

I think Mi Puta Suegra is in its best season yet,

so you should cancel it now so that it ends on a high note, like

The Big Bang Theory."

No, no. I disagree.

I think we just hit our stride.

The show will only get better.

We should make more seasons.

Besides, I'm not afraid because my computer

is well-protected with Norton Anti-virus.

Listen to the virus!

We can't expose our devices.

Well, I have a Mac, so I'm not worried.

Ooh. The Mac boy isn't worried

because if he has a problem, he'll just call Steve Jobs.

The fate of your devices is in your hands. Goodbye.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no…

For the well-being of our devices,

we're going to cancel Mi Puta Suegra.

Oh, no! What a shame.

But I think it's for the best.

It's for the best.

Sorry, I don't understand. So we're like hackers now?

Andrés, you weren't here when we planned this.

You can't come at the last minute and expect things to go your way

without having done anything.

Yes, yes, yes. I hear what you're saying but

that doesn't change the fact that this is very mediocre.

I was talking about the concept, not the acting. Jeez.

Playing Mi Puta Suegra

has been the greatest honor of my life.

This is my home.

This is my family.

And to you, my dear fans,

it has been a privilege

coming into your living rooms for 37 years.

Help me say it one more time.

Get off the couch, you drunk, and come give

your fucking mother-in-law a foot massage.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Please don't ever make any artistic decisions without me.

I don't mean to be rude, but you guys have bad taste.

He's right.

Where did you learn that?

I took private lessons.

Oh, and I was thinking,

I should get more money than you guys

because my lifestyle is more expensive.

Andrés, you're a spoiled little brat.

You whine and take, and take, and take

without doing any work.

You couldn't even keep your staircase modeling job for more than a week.

You weren't at the meeting. You complain about working.

You always look for the easy way out.

You think you can have everything you want, just because,

but that ends now.

And no, we're not going to give you more money,

and no, l you can't stay with me or Renaldo.

- But you can stay with us. - Tati, I swear to God.

well…

I guess the only thing left for me is to…

go into exile.

Oh God. Please.

Damn. That was rough,

but I guess one day he's going to have to learn to do things for himself.

Don't worry. He'll be fine.

There are valves.

Yeah, Tati. There are valves.

No one wishes on me.

No one wants me to be part of their constellation.

I'm always left out.

Bye. It was so good to see you guys.

I promise we'll see each other again in 70 years.

Don't worry. Miss me.

Damn Andrés.

What's up?

How'd it go with the dress Uncle Tico made?

Mmm… so so.

Poor Uncle Tico.

Come give your fucking mother-in-law a foot massage.

Mi Puta Suegra is over.

Dad,

I can't believe you left your room.

It's just…

there's so much I've wanted to talk to you about

and ask you all these years.

Me, too! My whole life.

Well…

one time on Mi Puta Suegra,

the fucking mother-in-law took her son-in-law's beer

and poured it all over him right after he opened it,

and told him,

"Get off the couch

and come give your fucking mother-in-law a foot massage."

What an awful woman.

I don't know what I'll do with my life now that the show is over.

It'll be okay, Dad. I bet there will be reruns.

Reruns?

Yeah.

Hi.

Are you the goth guy that came to the house the other day?

Yes.

Well, in that case,

I have to tell you something important, something private.

The other girls can't know.

If you see Karina again,

can you ask her to return my blue Zara sweater?

I let her borrow it, and she never gave it back.

I think she left it at the house of that rich and powerful man

she was having an affair with

who said he would kill her after the pageant

if she ever went public about their affair.

That's all. Bye.

What?

Blue Zara sweater. It's so cold.

Karina.