Original subtitles

I found a solution to our budget problem.

Let's see.

You said you couldn't teach a literature class without books.

Well, okay. Look here.

What is this?

They're a lot cheaper than the regular versions.

"Don Quixote of La Mancha: The Tati Edition."

LOS ESPOOKYS

But is he ever gonna park?

He's gotta park at some point.

Renaldo! Are you on your way to the cemetery?

No.

Look, Uncle, thank you for your advice, but I don't think I'm going to do that.

Well, you're gonna continue having that problem then.

Oh my god.

If this bitch wants a website, she's gonna have to pay up.

It's the kids' favorite tree…

Their father used to bring them here before he died.

Everything happens for a reason.

I wanted to let you know that I have a business trip coming up.

+To make more money? +Why else would I go on a business trip?

Would you mind picking up the kids from school?

At school… So that's where they've been.

Fine. So, you want me to pick up little…

Alberto and Manuela.

Yes, okay.

- Bring them… - Bring them home.

Bring home… the adorable children…

- Alberto and Manuela. - Alberto and Manuela.

I'll capture them, along with their shadows.

And bring them home.

Thank you.

I can't believe you agreed to this.

It will be okay.

Sorry, I gotta take this. Business can't wait.

Welcome to Tati, the time is 4:35.

Oh, you liked Don Quixote? Thank you so much!

I've been writing my whole life. The world is full of stories.

A Tati edition for 100 Years of Solitude?

Yeah, we can do that.

Well, thank you. Have a good day.

Tati is hanging up in three, two, one.

I just made another big sale.

And you? What have you done today?

Sugar-free, lime-flavored powder with water. What do you say?

Thank you.

I'm glad there are still people in the world that have manners.

Look, I'll be the first to admit that the last time we worked together,

I was a little tense.

It's something I've been working on in therapy.

I've discovered some unhealthy patterns and behaviors in my life.

Through a lot of introspection, meditation and feedback,

I have realized that the root of all my problems

is… my husband.

It's very difficult to take responsibility for my actions

when I'm constantly married to my husband.

And what would you like us to do?

I feel some tension in the air. You've noticed, right?

Right? But it's not your fault. It's my husband's fault.

He affects all of us, unfortunately.

It's so frustrating because he thinks he's always right.

But he isn't because I'm always right.

I'm always the one who's right.

That's why I want him to see what a nightmare it would be to live in a world

where everyone thought like him.

That's why I summoned you.

I need you to create a world where everyone looks and acts like him.

Because it's that exact combination

of the way he looks and the way he acts

that is causing me to be such an unstable person,

even since before I met him.

Can I talk? Thank you.

We're talking about a parallel universe where everyone looks and acts like him.

We'll get a bunch of extras, put some masks on them, and done.

Mmm meh…

What do you mean, "mmm meh"?

That's not a bad idea, but it's not… Tati.

It doesn't have that wow factor that Tati has.

I already told you. I'm not buying you another dress.

You can wear my wedding dress.

It's beautiful and unmistakably a wedding dress…

big, white, and full of lace.

But Mom! I want what every girl wants at party!

To look pretty and like her parents don't have financial problems.

Is that too much to ask?

Are you okay?

No!

I want to look sexy.

And I want to look wealthy like…

like a famous 25-year-old actress

that plays a teenager in high school.

I want that for you, too.

Look…

I don't have the money to buy you a new dress,

and I don't have the skills to make one,

but I have the time to try.

Are you serious, Uncle Tico?

- Really? - Yes.

Alright. I accept.

- I need it to be pink. - Okay, pink.

No, orange. Orange and classic but not too simple.

And no ruffles. It has to have bows.

- Long but not too short. - Long.

And zippers on every button.

- Zippers on what? - A glove on every finger.

On each what? On every finger?

I want a button on every finger.

I'm sorry to hear that you won't be able to help me prepare for the debate today.

I understand that you're busy with your Espooky work, but don't worry,

my cousin is helping me. Not the one with Twitter.

You won't believe the drama with him.

I don't know how, but his wife found out…

- I have an idea… - Tati, we moved on.

Okay, cool.

What is this?

Why aren't the masks ready for the gig?

We haven't started yet because we were preparing for the birthday party.

What birthday party?

That's a very good question.

I'll let Mónica here elaborate.

Ursula, we're celebrating all the birthdays for the month.

So mine?

I'm the only April birthday.

In an office, it's better to celebrate everyone's birthdays together

because then no one feels left out and it's more efficient.

That's how it's done.

But again, it's just my birthday,

and it's not for another three weeks.

Yes, but it's best to celebrate all together

at the start of the month so that everyone is included.

I thought we had fired you.

Okay. How about we cut the cake to celebrate

all the April birthdays and then get to work?

Yes, but first, let's hand out presents.

Ursula, this is my gift to you.

It's my favorite under-eye concealer. I hope you like it.

Now you won't look so tired.

Open the present.

You're fired.

I can't believe I prioritized this today,

and you let this person we barely know waste our time like this.

But we do know her. She's Mónica.

She's a cousin and a daughter.

I'm going to help Teresa and do something with my time.

Damn.

Well, we'll see you later, no?

Well, I also have to go.

I have to go pick up my stepchildren.

- Bye. - Well, Tati,

I guess it's just you and me. Let's get to work, no?

But I have a meeting in a couple of days.

Okay, but right now you have nowhere to be, right?

No, but I have a really important meeting with some Hollywood producers

in a couple of days.

Okay, but right now, you don't have anywhere else to be, right?

Not yet.

Tati?

Hey, do you want a piece of cake?

Yeah, a little one.

So the debate will go…

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Great!

I knew it! The oracles are always with me.

- They never lie. - Of course.

Okay, bye, cousin. I'm going to help her with the debate.

Go, go, go.

She's gonna rock it.

Your performance in this debate is very important.

Hold on a second.

- First off, you need to seem in control. - Yes, of course.

- Stick to a progressive agenda. - Yes, yes.

Focus on healthcare, education, and infrastructure.

- Of course. - When you talk about the environment,

you need to convey that means new jobs.

Oh yes, that's good.

If you don't know the answer to something, don't panic.

Pivot to something you do feel comfortable talking about.

Yeah, like human rights, of course. That phrase is very in style.

No, no.

No egg.

No.

Juliet.

Let's see, who can tell me how Romeo and Juliet ends?

Me!

- Lorca. - It ends in Verona.

A butterfly lands on Tati's nose.

Romeo and Juliet clap.

and then they talk about how much they respect Tati.

Very good.

Listen, don't forget that next week we're starting

One Hundred Years of Solitude: The Tati Edition.

Excuse me, are these mine?

If I brought them home, would you be happy to see them

or angry because they're not your children?

Excuse me, what did you say?

Andrés!

Alright.

Just have to…

add a little more depth, I guess.

Who's this?

Who is this?

It's Frutsi!

And he's clean for a change. Very good.

Oh Frutsi, I'm so stressed.

Dry off Frutsi.

Help my uncle Tico find a purpose.

Help Sonia find herself.

Help Mónica find a job.

Understand my sexuality.

My love, do you hear me?

Mayor Lobos, how would you ensure

that your domestic economic policies

benefit our country without dissuading foreign investment?

Mayor, I can repeat the question if you'd like.

First of all, let me clarify that none of those men were dissuaded.

They fully consented to what we did.

Mayor, by dissuade, I mean disincentivize or deter.

Now I understand. You mean that kind of dissuading, of course.

Oh, how rude!

You're so mean asking me these types of questions.

How am I supposed to know something like that?

No one told me you were going to ask that sort of thing.

Ursula!

Where is Ursula?

I can never see her because she always wears black.

There she is! You guys should let her answer the questions.

She's so good at this.

Come on, Ursula. Come and answer the questions.

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

We're going to tell Dad what you did today,

that you don't even know who we are.

And once we tell him, you'll be out of here.

Then we'll get a stepdad who actually wants to play with us and is younger.

A lot younger.

You know what, my little flans?

You're right.

Today was so stressful.

How about we go outside and play a game of hide-and-seek?

But it's nighttime, and it's dark out.

Dark? No, no, no.

Not with this big, bright full moon.

I know! How about you go outside,

as far away as possible, beyond the limits of the garden,

and hide until I find you.

Come on, flans, I know you want to have fun.

No, I'll hide first.

No, I'll hide first!

Alright.

I can go full the 24th.

Wait no, because if I'm supposed to be half full on the 25th…

Hi, Moon.

You look so beautiful and full.

But I was wondering if you could maybe flip to your dark side

so that my widower's kids get lost

and don't tell their father that I hate them.

Andrecito, I've already done so many favors for you.

Just the other day you asked me for something.

No, Moon, that favor wasn't for me.

I simply asked you to go crescent so that my friend Dreamworks

could have a place to sit and fish.

Fine. I'll do this for you, but under one condition.

There is a comet I've been wanting to meet.

They'll pass by very soon, and I'd like for you to introduce us

so that I can get a selfie.

I'm such a fan.

Yes, yes, sure. I can do that.

Oh, yes!

OK, yeah, bye.

Alberto?

Alberto!

Ms. Fuentes, it's a pleasure to meet you.

I'm Katie Silvers, this is Jeremy Robbins.

We're from SCK International Entertainment.

Let's cut to the chase. Tati.

Thanks for taking the time to meet with us.

- We know you're very, very busy. - Yes, and well respected.

We're interested in buying the rights to an adaptation of

"The House of the Spirits: the Tati Edition."

Oh yeah?

Well, what's your price?

I want eight American dollars.

But you gave me too much change back.

Eight dollars is my final offer.

Dear passenger,

I would like to congratulate you

on winning the grand prize and thank you for participating.

In a few moments, we'll arrive at the house of Mickey Moose

to begin the adventure.

Fellow passengers,

we're going to take a 15-minute break.

Feel free to get off the bus

and stretch your legs…

or face your fears.

But be careful.

Nothing is as it seems around here.

Alfonso!

- See? - What the fuck?

No, no, what are you doing?

Do you see what the world would be like if everyone was like you?

This is what I have to deal with every single day.

Welcome to the hell that is my life!

What the hell? That wasn't her cue.

You know, I think today we took an important step as a couple.

I'm honestly starting to feel optimistic about our marriage,

and I think that today proves that the problem has never been me.

Can you please calm down, Alfonso?

I don't know how I tolerate you.

I have the patience of an angel.

You know what my therapist said about you?

That you need a lot of help.

One day he'll learn.

Hey, about the other day…

It's all good.

I watched the debate.

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

I don't know how to help that woman.

Maybe I can vote for her,

if I find my ID.

Don't look inside my purse!

Tati, no one was looking in your purse,

although we're dying to know what's inside.

Well, now that you're awake, can I have some gum?

It's hot!

You get used to it.

Go, and weave nightmares fort the children.

Andrés, can we talk for a second?

Look what your children did to me.

All I wanted was to play with them.

That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, I've been thinking.

I think it'd be good for them if they went to military school

and never came back.

The kids said that you sent them out to play in the dark,

and it took them hours to get home.

Again, that's why I think

military school is the best option for them.

Andrés, if you want to be with me,

you have to stop trying to separate me

from my children because you won't succeed.

They're not going to go anywhere.

Are you giving me an ultimatum?

You're so immature.

You know what? I've had enough of your absurd games.

It's me or your children.

I think I'm going to go with my children.

I'm sorry. I think you mispronounced my name.

I'm going with my children.

To military school?

Andrés, pack your bags.

This is over.

I'll never forgive you.

Those are not my kids.

Those are their friends who came for a play date.

Fernando, now I'll always be watching you.

Oliver Twix, I need a favor.

I know this is an odd and unconventional request,

but I was hoping you would let me…

Okay, Mi Puta Suegra will be back from commercial in a moment.

What do you want?

Okay, look, my Uncle Tico told me

that I should dig up the coffin of Nuestra Belleza Latina

and look inside so I can move on with my life because…

Okay, okay. Look, the shovel is in the corner.

She's under the grave of Dr. Ernesto Alvarez.

Now please, leave me alone.

- Sorry. - Dear God!

If I had to tend to every necrophiliac that came in here

- begging me to open a coffin… - But I don't need…

I wouldn't get through a single season of Mi Puta Suegra.

Okay, sorry. I'm leaving.

Ernesto Alvarez.

Oh, wow.

- Excuse me! - Son of a bitch!

Another pervert needs to use the shovel.

Pepito.

- Pepito. - Make it quick.

Oliver Twix, what the hell? Why is the coffin empty?

Why would I know?

I'm just in charge of the cemetery.

I never said there was a body inside.

Besides, you asked for a coffin,

and that one came empty. I know because I opened it.

I wanted to steal her tiara.

- Hurry up, Pepito! - Yes, yes, yes.