Original subtitles

You really proved me wrong.

You fit perfectly into my solid lead bikini.

And it looks great on you.

I can't believe you thought it wouldn't fit.

I'm your reflection. We're the same size.

Gosh, it is such a gorgeous day.

And I bet the water is so warm.

Oh my god, wait!

I have an idea. You should jump in!

Ah! I'll take a Boomerang!

For the Embassy account?

Duh! I'll tag you and everything.

Okay!

One…

two…

- … three. - Ciao!

Ciao, bitch.

LOS ESPOOKYS

I'm worried about you.

- Oh yeah, Tati? - My husband and I…

gosh, I love the sound of that, my husband.

We were talking while he was asleep, and

we're concerned that everyone is finding a husband except you.

And let's face it, sister, your looks won't last forever.

I was thinking of setting you up with one of Juan Carlos's friends.

I don't like men.

Ursula, no one likes men, but everybody needs a husband.

Just think about it.

Okay, Tati.

- Okay, let's play again. - Sure.

- Time me this time. - Okay, ready?

Yes.

Good thing we won a lot of money today.

You found a lot of money.

No, Ursula, we won a lot of money… together.

Can I have some change to pay the bathroom fee?

Thank you.

I love it.

Can you take a photo of me?

- No. - Please!

You're gonna have a great time.

Get to spend some time with the family, meet your cousins.

I'll show you around, show you where I used to go when I was a kid.

- Where I learned how to park. - Why won't you look at me?

What?

You don't have the decency to look your own daughter in the eyes.

No, I have to keep my eyes on the road.

So I have to lay on the road and risk my own life

to get a little bit of love from my father?

No!

Okay…

I'm looking at you.

Sorry!

Are you okay?

I want to go to Niagara Falls.

- What? - I said how long

until we get to Niagara Falls?

Sweetie, that's the other direction.

Niagara Falls. Okay?

Niagara Falls. Okay.

So what's happening is all the kids are obsessed

with this little cartoon monster named Baxter.

Baxter.

They don't want to listen to me, pay attention, or do their homework.

They put mirrors under the girls' skirts,

and send each other vulgar messages on Yipi!

So, what I want you to do is

come up with a monster that sets a good example for them.

A monster that obeys the teacher,

that… arrives early to class, and never forgets their poster board.

Well, we could start by making like a…

Yeah, shhh. I think, for example, I arrive one day

and say, "Look, kids, I found this giant egg outside.

Looks like it could be something interesting."

- I want to decorate the egg. - I already decorated it.

- The egg she just made up? - Yes.

- Who gave you permission to do that? - Guys, please. That's enough.

Let's pay attention to our client.

What could we name this monster?

- Bibi's? - Bibis?

Yes… It's just an idea.

Bibi's. Why not?

Umm, sorry, but it should have an apostrophe

like McDonald's or Wendy's.

- That looks cool. - Great.

But then one day, Bibi's disobeys me by speaking out of turn,

biting the forbidden fruit.

His lungs will begin to fill with liquid.

While Bibi's gasps for air, clinging on for dear life,

the children will cry,

but they'll understand that Bibi's is paying a divine punishment,

that this is what happens when you disobey the professor.

Wait. You want all of this to happen in one day?

Yes.

But how do you expect us to make the kids form an emotional connection to Bibi's

in such a short period of time? It would take weeks to do that.

That voice…

That little…

irritating, contrarian voice.

I know you…

Double L.

A… B… C… D…

E… F… G… H… I…

J… K… L… LL…

Double L? It's the same letter but twice?

That's not a letter.

- Yes, it is. - Why?

Because it just is.

- That doesn't make sense. - Oh no?

That's what the dictionary says, little girl.

Well, then, we have to change the dictionary

so that it actually makes sense.

I'd love to see you take this up with the Royal Spanish Academy.

Who dare question the Royal Spanish Academy?

Double L doesn't make sense as its own letter

because it's the prior letter twice.

It does make sense…

because it does!

You think you can argue with an institution like ours?

I… J… K…

L… M… N… N…

¿N? So it's just the prior letter with a toupée?

Don't you dare!

Knock on the door!

I knocked as I opened it.

I like beauty pageants because I feel like when people look at these women,

they make assumptions about them based on how they look,

just like they do with me.

People think they know who I am because of how I look,

but in reality, there is much more to me than what I look like.

Okay?

I don't know why or what it means, but

I've been seeing visions of Karina, Nuestra Belleza Latina.

Pony says that it's a trapped dream and that I should sleep so that…

So the runaway dream can get back in your head.

Obviously.

I have something that might help.

I store a few pills here. Let's see…

This one is in case your shadow escapes.

This one is for when you get a headache after

seeing through a lot of crows' eyes at the same time.

And this one…

this one is for sleeping.

But Renaldo, there is a caveat. Look at me.

Whatever happens,

you can't sleep in your bad because that's where I sleep.

Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

My Uncle Tico and cousin Sonia are coming.

We're gonna have to give Uncle Tico the bed because,

well, he's older and has back issues.

Renaldo,

I don't feel comfortable with you bringing strangers you met online to your house.

They're not strangers. It's my Uncle Tico. You've met him.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this.

I know this is going to be devastating news for you, but

I can't keep living here under these conditions.

I'm sorry, but I have to start thinking about my own needs.

So…

Goodbye.

Okay.

Good luck with everything.

Okay, I can't leave because that woman is still out there.

Renaldo, my son, I need to talk to you.

Remember to misbehave.

My friend has a daughter.

I'm not going to sleep with her, thanks.

No, it's not about that.

My friend's daughter is an expert in office dynamics.

She's very smart, but she's out of work right now.

I told her about Los Espookys and said you might need her help.

Thanks, but we actually don't need help like that right now.

Don't make me look bad, Renaldo. I already told her you'd hire her.

Not right now, Mom, seriously.

Be considerate and have some compassion for the daughter

of the woman I sometimes run into at the hair salon.

Okay, fine. I'll call her.

Thank you, my son.

Andrés, what's up?

- Welcome to your new home. - Enough!

Come in.

At what time do they serve breakfast?

Wait, what happened to your house?

Look, I gotta show you the pool. It's at the perfect temperature right now.

- Come! - But…

- Hi! - Andrés, that's Tichi.

Excuse me.

And this is the pool.

Who is Tichi?

My roommate.

Hey, Nico!

Can you spot me some toothpaste? I'm out.

Toothpaste? Martin has some!

- Thank you. You're welcome.

- That's Kiwi. - And Kiwi also… lives here?

Yeah, we live together.

We share the apartment and split the rent.

I guess you can stay in Tati's room.

Thanks, Ursula.

And I can carry my own suitcase, thanks.

Yes, you can.

More carrots?

Yeah, you know… just staying healthy for you.

And well, who is Mónica Martínez?

Mónica Martínez is licensed in communications

from the National University.

She has more than three years of experience.

Mónica Martínez is a daughter,

a niece, but most importantly, a cousin.

Her strengths are…

I'm sorry, can you go back to the cousin part?

- Yes, of course. - Tati, she can just send it to you later.

Oh yeah, I can send it to you through Yipi!

So, as I was saying… her strengths are…

improving labor dynamics,

expert marketing skills, and client problem solving.

Her weaknesses are…

whipped cream.

And well, who are Los Espookys?

Get her out of our lives now.

You guys are so artsy!

I love it!

How do you come up with all this stuff?

I don't know how to say this, but you guys are…

so dark, so weird, and artsy. I love it!

He wants to tell you something.

Yeah, that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about…

Excuse me. I want to take a moment to thank you for this opportunity.

This really means a lot to me and my family.

I feel like my career is finally taking off.

Thank you so much.

Andrés, it is I, the shadow of the water,

Water's Shadow. I am a dark spirit…

Yeah, I know.

Okay, I have just one of those names and faces

that people forget, so I always reintroduce myself.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you

know that I'm quitting.

What? But then who will be the parasitic demon that lives inside of me?

Hearing this girl Mónica talk about careers has

made me realize that I want to focus on mine.

There are so many holes in my resume.

I graduated school 500 years ago,

and then, nothing. So I want to get an internship.

But why an internship and not a job?

Because there's no better way to be respected and

show your value than to work for free.

Well, I guess I'll have to make due without my parasitic demon.

As you can see from my resume…

We're at the beach!

We're celebrating Lolo's birthday! Lolo, I love you!

- I'm having such a good time! - Tutu! My office, now!

Hi!

Tutu, what is this?

I can't understand a word you're saying.

You're making America look insane.

Why is your English so weird?

Say something.

Okay, so what happened is I came to the embassy to apply for a visa,

and in the waiting room I met Krissy and JJ and the other girls.

We really hit it off despite the language barrier.

Then you came out and gave me a bunch of clothes to return,

and that's how I came to stay.

Krissy, Tiff, JJ, why does she sound like that?

Have you been covering for her this whole time?

We just really clicked with her.

She's become part of the family here.

Let Tutu stay.

Let Tutu stay!

Let Tutu stay!

- Let Tutu stay! - No!

Tutu, you're fired.

Okay.

- It's okay. It's okay. - Go!

Never trust a white Latina.

I guess you're hired.

So, do you speak English?

That's good enough.

So, this is, uh, this is it. Niagara Falls.

This is Niagara Falls?

Okay.

Okay. Take my picture.

"Running five minutes late.

So sorry."

Okay, you try.

Running…

Running…

I am running…

So sorry.

Yeah! Good job.

Okay, now let's practice more common English phrases.

Like…

"Oh! This is so cute!

Where did you get it from?"

"But I have the receipt

and 30 days to return it."

I…

have…

to return…

To return!

Okay, maybe that's too much for right now.

Let's stick to more simple common English phrases.

"I am in the room."

"The book is on the table."

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, I'm in the room. The book is on the table.

What's up?

Where are you? You're late.

We have to get you in the egg.

Fuck, I overslept!

I took one of Andrés's sleeping pills.

I'm on my way.

Damn, damn, damn!

Next.

45.

- How much? - 45.

Very good.

- Seven times seven? - 49.

- Louder! - 49!

The egg is moving!

Look! It's moving.

Well, let's pay attention. It might be something interesting.

I'm Bibi's!

And I love school!

I'm always ready to learn because I always do my homework.

I never have to borrow a pencil because I always come well prepared.

I never interrupt class to go to the bathroom

because if I have to go, I just hold it.

I'm Bibi's, and I always write my name in big letters

because if I don't, how is the professor gonna know I'm Bibi's?

Bibi's.

Let's review the division formula.

How many times does five fit into ten?

I asked him.

- Two. - Professor?

- Two. Very good. - Professor?

- Bibi's? - Sorry, can I go to the bathroom?

I can't hold it any longer.

I could've gone earlier but chose not to.

What's wrong?

Bibi's?

Oh no, Bibi-lung's.

It could be internal bleeding.

Do you feel okay, Bibi's?

No, it hurts a lot!

I should've never disobeyed the professor.

See, that's what happens, Bibi's.

That's what happens when you disobey the professor.

Bibi's! Bib's! What's happening? Bibi's! Bibi's!

It's you.

Again.

No, talk to me!

Hey, Renaldo.

Sorry, if it's loud. I'm at the movies.

Pony, I saw Karina again, even after taking Andrés's sleeping pill.

I slept well all night.

Well then, it's not a runaway dream.

Are you serious? What do I do now?

I don't know, Renaldo, light a candle for her or something.

I'm trying to watch a movie.

Pony, please, I need your help.

Oh no, Mufasa died in a stampede.

Poor Simba, without a dad.

Well, obviously now he's going to be king,

unless…

I have to go.

Okay, but…

I knew Bibi's wasn't real.

I'm sure, Tati.

I'm glad you're finally making an effort to meet Juan Carlos's friends.

Well, now they're my friends, too.

They're very sophisticated people.

All of them earn points at the supermarket.

You might have a hard time keeping up.

Tati, do you see that?

Oh, yeah. That's so funny.

Women are so stupid.

Nico, this is over.

What's over? You don't like the restaurant?

- Do you want to go somewhere else? - No, I don't want to go somewhere else.

I also don't want to keep being your boyfriend.

Look, we're very different people. I am Andrés Valdez,

and you, well, you live with Tichi and Pollito and…

- and… - And Kiwi.

Kiwi, yeah.

Look, you're very sweet, but you spend your time working as a waiter

and making big paintings of Mickey Mouse's glove giving the middle finger.

Well, I know I don't make much money, but what I earn I try to share with you.

Also, I let you stay at my place.

You don't even wash the dishes.

Nobody washes the dishes at your place.

You're very sweet, but what I need

is someone with lots of money who puts me in a golden cage.

I understand.

- Nico? - Yeah?

What just happened here?

Where?

Here, in this conversation, Nico.

You're leaving me for a guy with a gold cage.

No, between you and me, between us. What happened?

- You're breaking up with me. - Yes.

- Yes. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, good luck with everything.

You too.

Careful because when he's done with his burger, he's gonna go after yours, dude!

Ursula, I want to introduce you to someone very special.

Wow. Look at how gorgeous you are.

- What? - Please take a seat, baby.

- This is the guy you want me to marry? - Yes.

I told you I'm not interested.

Besides, isn't that your girlfriend?

She knows I'm too much of a man for just one girl.

How disgusting,

but I guess that's the society we live in.

Men see women like objects,

just like those awful silhouettes all over the city.

For your information, my daddy invented those silhouettes

as part of the campaign strategy to get our beautiful president reelected.

That is the most horrible, upsetting, and troubling thing about that man's

already horrible and upsetting presidency.

But you know what? He won't get reelected because

women aren't going to vote for a man who objectifies them like that.

Actually, people love the silhouettes, especially women.

It's aspirational.

I with my hair looked like that.

Do you hear yourself?

Ursula, please.

These aren't topics we discuss on the terrace.

We don't talk about politics amongst friends,

especially because my husband just started advising for the president's campaign.

Congratulations.

Please forgive Ursula.

She's not used to these types of gatherings.

She doesn't even know how to make gazpacho.

The president won't get reelected.

I'll make sure of it.

Goodbye, Ursula.

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Johnny,

but I'm glad you got to see the world I now belong to.

- Everyone finally respects me. - Yeah.

Well… Goodbye, Tati.

Take care.

Being married to Tati has been such a nice change of pace,

a vacation from the stresses of my relationship with Andrés.

With Tati, every day is a little adventure.

I never knew what she's going to come up with next.

Look. Isn't that right, Tati?

What's going on, man?

What is this?

Well, I've been buying large carrots, cutting them in half longways,

scooping out the insides to hollow them out,

and filling them with my favorite sweets.

So, what you see is your wife being healthy, eating carrots,

but in reality, I'm indulging in the world's most delectable sweets

hidden inside what you think is a regular carrot,

but it isn't because, like I said, it's merely a little disguise

for donuts, cakes, Nutella, ice cream, cookies, and candies.

Anyways, let's just forget all about this.

Forgive me, my love.

Tati. Tati, no!

No! No!

Tati, no! No! I want a divorce.

What's wrong with you?

- No! No! No! - Let me!

What the?

No fucking way!

- Hello, cousin. - What the fuck?

Now, get the fuck outta my room.

Cousin, don't you think you'd be better off in my sister's room?

You think I'm some fucking lesbian?

No. Go.