Original subtitles

A Rolls-Royce is the ambition of almost every newly qualified doctor,

and, preferably, a Harley Street address to go with it.

At the time I was practising medicine in rather more humble circumstances,

and found that neither my new diploma nor my old car had got me very far.

- Thank you very much. - Thats all right, doctor. It's always a pleasure to help a colleague.

I was a junior assistant in general practice, the medical equivalent of I suppose... a plumber's mate.

My partner thought I needed more experience. So apparently did some of my patients. (BF: bloody fool)

He divided the work between us. I did the surgery, the night calls and the rounds...

and he looked after the social side of the practice.

- Ah, Simon. A little late, aren't we? - Are we? The Williams boy's got tonsillitis. - Oh, it'll clear up.

- You will take surgery today, won't you? I have an important consultation. They want my opinion urgently. - All right. - Thank you.

The doctor had a daughter. A healthy girl - Wendy.

- Do you mind? - No.

Delicious, as always, darling.

Have you thought about getting married, my boy.

- Patients prefer married doctors. They feel safer. - Yeah.

Yes. I... I'll dedicate some time to that, later on.

- Do you mind if I go around the way? Because there's picture that comes on there at 8:10. - Will you go to the pictures? - Yes. - Oh, how funny. And Wendy's going, too, aren't you, darling?

- Why don't you go together? - Oh, I'd love to. - A pleasure.

How lovely. Now, be good.

The patients might feel safer with a woman in the background, but I didnt - not with Wendy.

Oh, Simon. lt's you. I... I heard a noise. I thought it might be burglars.

- Are you working? - Yes.

- Your father left rather a lot of forms to me to fill up. - Naughty Daddy.

- Never mind. I... I'll help you. - It's quite all right, Wendy. I can manage.

- Oh! Have you got a headache? - Yes, I have, rather.

I... I'll rub your neck.

- Eh, no, really I'd much prefer you didnt. - Oh, but I'm very good at this.

- Now... Just where do you feel tense? - All over. I do wish you wouldn't bother about that.

Oh, Simon. I knew it was only shyness.

A-ha.

A-ha!

An immediate operation was necessary.

Like many better men before me, I ran away to sea.

I got a job as a ship's doctor on the SS Lotus of the Fathom Line,

but first of all, I had to find her.

Officer, can you tell me where the Lotus is berthed?

- Number 15, the Lotus. - Number 15?

- New to these docks? - Ah, new to any docks. - Oh, well,

go straight on till you come to that light.

Turn left down the slope.

Carry on till you find two lorries parked near the watchman's hut.

Turn right, up the steps, down the narrow path, past the first two ships and it's the third.

About two miles as the crow flies.

They say that worse things happen at sea...

but what could be worse than being landed with Wendy?

The Lotus had one great advantage -

she carried no passengers

and that meant... no women.

- The doctor. - Come on in, Doc.

- I'm Hornbeam, Mate of this tub. - How do you do?

- You've found your way all right? - Yes, thank you.

- Here Mr Archer, the Second Officer. - How do you do?

- Mr Whimble, the Chief Steward. - How do you do? - Remember, this dog is in charge of the booze.

[At night have your boarder.]???

- Trail, our 3/O. (third officer/third mate) - Hello, Doc. How are you? Well, what sent you to sea? Wine, women or crime?

- Eh, well, women, mostly.

- Not married, are you? - No, no. - Well, you keep it that way.

Wives and waves don't mix, old boy.

Well, sit there at the table.

Oh, I forgot, that behind the chimney stack, there is Fellowes, our apprentice.

- Seventeen comes on Sunday. - Nice to meet you, Doc.

Nice to have a young Doc aboard.

They told you at the office about the last one, Flowerday, I suppose?

- No, they didnt. - No? Oh.

Oh, well, never mind.

Are you just out of medical school?

No, I've been in private practice for the last two years.

Hope you're hot stuff on sailors' troubles, Doc.

Why, they are no different to anybody else's, are they?

- Ahem. Would you like a cigarette? - Thank you very much.

I wonder if you know, er, Sir Wallaby Glebe, the ophthalmic surgeon?

Er, no, I'm afraid I don't.

No? I do and very well. He's married to my cousin.

- Oh, really? - What'll you drink, Doc?

- Er, haven't I better wait until I see the Captain first? - I wouldn't do that. Not tonight.

He doesn't welcome visitors after dark. He's not the social type.

Perhaps it's because he isn't married, either.

Neither was his father, you'll see that!

Good morning, Doctor. Easter is the name. I'm the Doctor's steward.

Oh, good morning. How do you do?

Oh! How do you do, Doctor? I've a message from Father.

- Father? - Yeah, the Captain.

He wants a bottle of his usual stomach mixture, pronto.

- He suffers from dyspepsia, does he? - Ho, yes, sir. Something chronic.

- When he has one of his spasms, life's not worth living for all hands. - Right. Thank you very much.

There we are, sir.

The only stuff that squares up his innards is the special mixture he got from the late Dr Flowerday.

- Makes him bring up the wind, Doctor. - Oh!

- Dr Flowerday was my predecessor, wasn't he? - Oh, yes, sir. Yes.

Very satisfied he was with me, sir, if I may make so bold.

Easter, what happened to... Dr Flowerday?

lf you don't mind, sir, I'd rather not talk about it.

Shocking.

It's them pipes, sir.

You are situated, as you might say, immediately below the Captain's...

The late Dr Flowerday and I kept all our stores in there.

Oh! He-he-he.

- Do you play, Doctor? - I could learn, I suppose.

Oh, the late Dr Flowerday was very keen on tennis racketing,

- very keen indeed. - We seem to be very short of drugs.

Shouldn't there be an official stock or something?

The late Dr Flowerday and I had, er...

well, an arrangement like of over the disposal of surplus stores.

You flogged them, you mean?

- Spoon. - Spoon?

- Take a card, Doctor. - Come on! Wait a minute. - Now, come on!

Now look at it. Er...the, er...five of diamonds.

Yes, quite right.

- Card tricks are rather out of place in a ship's hospital. - Really?

Used to keep the late Dr Flowerday in fits.

- Didn't half get narked when he couldn't make out how they was done. - Well, how are they done?

- Well, they was all five of diamonds, actually. - Oh.

You certainly know your way around a pack of cards, Easter, don't you.

Oh, I should say so.

Worked the halls for three years.

Pin Yung, I was. Famous Chinese magician!

- Here, would you like to see my cuttings? - No, thank you very much. Some other time. Maybe later on in the voyage. I can't use this. Chuck it away.

Chuck it away?

But I always keep everything. In the end of a way it might come in useful.

Mind your head, Doc. Don't be your own first case!

- Good morning. - Good morning. - Are you the butcher?

- Yes. - I'm the new doctor.

Both in the same line of business, really, aren't we, Doc?

Morning.

Nice-looking bird.

- Is he yours? - Yes. - I'm the new doctor.

Yes, we know.

- Another flipping kid trying to be a sailor. - Yeah...

- Hello! - Come.

- Good morning, sir... Doctor. - Well?

Your stomach medicine, sir.

- What's on your head? - On my head? Nothing, sir.

Exactly. Why not?

- Why? - You've got a cap, haven't you? - Oh yes, sir. I have a cap, sir.

The company regulation pattern.

Then why the blazes aren't you wearing it?

I don't really know, sir.

The cap is worn on all official visits to the Captain.

There's no tramp ship stuff aboard here.

- This is my ship, Doctor, do you understand? My ship... - Yes, sir. - and she's properly run.

I wonder if I could persuade you, sir, not to shake that too much. It's liable [to spill out.]

Stop telling me what to do with it. [?]

Change that corn plaster, will you?

lts not my job to change your corn plasters!

You're a doctor, aren't you?

Yes.

There they are, the new ones.

Women, I suppose?

- Eh? - Women, I suppose? - I beg your pardon?

- Drove you to sea. - Oh, yeah. Yes... in a way.

I thought so. Smell your type a mile away.

There, I want you to understand, I won't tolerate that sort of thing in my offices.

I don't approve of women. They seem like they're unnecessary.

But surely even a seaman has to get launched somehow?

I hope you understand your duties.

You have the sick parades at nine o'clock sharp.

You bring me the sick list at half past ten. And I want to know what's wrong with every one of them.

None of this medical secrecy aboard. Everything must be out in the open.

Excuse me, sir.

Get away from me. Leave me alone.

Excuse me. That doors shut.

Get out of here!

Good morning, sir.

Mr Patterson, you are obliged by having the engine room telegraph cleaned up.

lt looks like it's been out the whole night in a shower of...

All right, Mr Hornbeam, make her forward.

Let go forward!

- Slow ahead starboard. - Slow ahead starboard.

- Sir! - Sir.

- Slow astern port. - Slow astern port, sir.

Well, we're finally underway, Doc.

- No popsies for a few weeks now, old boy. - I know. I'm a different man already. This is the life.

I should have tried this before.

You'll have your sea legs in no time.

Attention all shipping.

The Admiralty has just issued the following gale warning to ships.

South to south-easterly gales now in operation...

in sea areas Portland, Wight, Dover, Thames, Heligoland.

Sir.

And wha'ts this? Bacon and sausage sandwich?

- Yes, sir. - Any mustard in it?

- Yes, sir. - Good.

- Tell the cook I want jam roly-poly for my lunch. - Oh!

- Oh! - Do you know the only cure for seasickness, Doc?

No.

- A pint of seawater in a bucket. - Oh... - Old sailors remedy.

- Would you care to try some? - No, thank you very much.

All right. Just a suggestion.

These pipes not pulling. Have you got a pipe cleaner or something?

Could you clean it... clean outside? -It's a bit strong.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't think about that.

- Oh, very nice, if I may say so, Mr Jenkins. You cook very nice. - Oh, it's nice to be appreciated.

- A contented cook makes a contented crew as the saying is. - Oh, I'm contented, all right.

- Here, that's why. - Mmm?

- That's why. - Oh!

Oh, that's Rosie, the wife.

Oh! Oh! Well, she's, er... She's healthy.

Had plenty of your plum duff, eh?

- You're a lucky man, Mr J. Excuse me. - Oh, she could do with it.

Allez-oop!

A couple more turns, Fred.

- Doc's a bit off colour. - Yeah. Heard you were, Doc.

Brought you something for it. Real sailors remedy.

- Trail. Trail, I don't want salt water, thank you very much. - Oh, no. Not that. This.

Guinness, old boy. Ha-ha! You put a bit of sugar in... and pour it down.

- You'll be as right as a trivet in half an hour. - Oh!

Er... Maybe that is the way, Doc. Nature's remedy, you can't whack it.

- Good morning, Doctor. Your breakfast. - Oh!

That's the ticket, Easter. Give him something to work on. You'll be all right, Doc. It's a bit choppy, isn't it.

- Easter, I don't want any breakfast, thank you very much. - Feeling a bit oopsy-daisy, Doc?

What you need is a good meal. A light repast, as you might say.

Put you right as rain. Yellow yolk of a couple of eggs, nice bit of gammon,

- banger, ... - Easter... - Lovely bit of haddock...

Not just at the moment.

- Perhaps at lunchtime, but not just at the moment. - No haddock?

- No haddock. - Oh, well, then, with your permission, Doc, I'll knock this back myself. - Please do. - lts a pity to waste it.

Oh!

No soup today, Doctor?

- Er, no soup. - Pity, it's not bad for a change. Not feeling seasick, are you?

No, no, no, sir. Just not very hungry, that's all.

Seasickness is entirely mental. People just imagine they've got it. Isn't that so, Mr Archer?

- Yes, sir. - There are some more complicated reasons than that, sir.

It's entirely mental. I know.

When the ship goes up and down or from side to side,

people think they go to vomit, and, by jingo, shortly afterwards, they do, but it's entirely mental.

Yes, sir. Just whatever you say, sir.

- Mr Whimble. - Sir?

- This fish, Mr Whimble. It's bad. - But it can't be, sir. - It's bad, isn't it, Doctor?

I haven't tried mine yet, sir.

Hmm, well, for heaven's sake, taste it now. Don't wait for us all to be poisoned.

- Would you excuse me, sir? - There you are! I told you that and the doctor agrees. And he hasn't even tasted it. Take the whole stinking issue and chuck it all over the side.

- What, now?

- You're ticklish, sir. - Yes.

- Very nasty. - There's nothing serious, I hope. - Pes planum.

- Pes what? - Planum.

What we of the medical fraternity call athlete's foot.

Fix it in a jiffy.

Athletes foot?

I don't know any athletes.

Now, this was made up special, like by the Doctor hisself.

What do I do with it? What do you...?

Oh, you rub it on thrice daily after meals.

After... meals. Hmm.

Hello, Second.

What's the matter?

- Good morning, Doctor. Extraordinary thing, eh? Touch of pes planum. Can't think how l got it. - What?

- I gave him some of our special ointment. - Easter, you are an idiot.

- Anyone of the crew is waiting to see me? - Oh yes. Thousands of them. - Well, you line them up and send them in.

Righto, Doc.

It's astonishing.

Doctor, it feels better already. I am grateful to you. Three times daily. Shall I?

Oh, yes. Certainly.

- If you think it'll do you any good. - Do me any good?! Good gracious me! It's wonderful stuff.

Oh, I don't need that.

All right. First one.

Come in, Wilson.

Sit down.

Now, what seems to be the trouble?

It's my chest, Doc. Keeps feeling as if something's pressing on it.

Hmm, well, take off your shirt.

- What sort of thing's pressing on. - I don't quite know, but it's suffocating one, especially at night.

- Eh? - Let's have a look.

- Something pressing on it? - Yes, Doc.

I'm not surprised. It must be the cannon balls.

Well, just, er, flex your muscles and breathe naturally.

- What now is going on? - Oh, that's Chippie, Doc, having one of his turns.

Look at that one with the two heads and green eyes!

- Better go after him. He looks bad. - He'll be in his cabin by now. - Where? - In his cabin!

- Cor, he's violent. - Er, now, come on.

- Get away from me, you swine! - I'm here to help you. We can help you.

- Get away! Get away! - What's the trouble? - lt's them dogs, them Alsatians.

Five ruddy great green ones! Oh! Oh! Oh!

This man has D.T.s.

Ho, yes, Doctor. He's been having them for years.

He's been on the booze ever since we left.

Says it makes him sad leaving Wapping.

If I might make so bold, Doctor, I'd say this was an occasion for medical comforts.

- Medical comforts? - The brandy, Doctor.

- Oh! - Issued buckshee for the hospital.

- Now, the late Dr Flowerday and I had... - An understanding?

- Er, that's right, Your Honour.

- Come along. Come on. Up. Sit down. - What is it? What?

Have a nice drink of this. It'll make you feel better.

- Feel better? - Yes.

How many Alsatians are you seeing now?

None. They've all gone.

Good. Now, down you go. There you are.

- Thank you. - Doc?

Yes?

Here! Three lovely little spaniel puppies.

Kept.

You can have the bitch.

Yeah.

Yes, it'll have to come out, Corbie.

Easter, how are we placed for dental equipment?

Oh, we've got a pair of pliers, sir.

- There must be some dental forceps, I'm sure of it. - Oh, they're old-fashioned, like.

- How about string and a doorknob? - Easter, don't be an idiot.

- How are we in the way of anaesthetic? - Got some ether.

Doctor, ether makes me sick.

And no one's going to use it on me!

- What... What about medical comforts? - That I'm in favour of.

Well, Doc...

Here's how.

Come on, Doc.

- Let's get cracking. - Yes.

Come on.

Come on. Open.

Come on. Wide. Wider.

Now...

Hold it. Hold on. Hold on.

- Am I interrupting you, Doctor? - We're extricating a molar.

Oh, come in, Trail.

- You don't mind the sight of blood, do you? - Blood? No, not a bit. - Good, good.

Now, come along. We'll just try again.

Open.

I'm sorry. This is going to hurt a bit, I think.

Easter, can you apply some counter-pressure to his shoulders, please?

Come on. Hurry up.

- Put your knee on his chest, Doctor. - Eh? - Your knee on his chest.

- Knee on his chest. Like that? - Now your elbows against his shoulders.

- Thats right. Now pull. - How can I, you blithering idiot?

- Oh, well. Turn it up. Turn it upside down. - I can't do that. - Leave them that way.

I'm sorry. Once again, open up.

Pull, Easter, pull!

I'm... I'm sorry, Doc. Oy!

- I hope I didn't hurt you. - Oh, no, no. Not at all. Look.

Well, Trail, ... what can I do for you?

I... I'm quite all right, Doc. Thanks. Much better. Much better.

Thought I had a slight toothache. All gone.

Come on. Wakey-wakey!

Oh, take it easy, Doc. It's far too hot.

You're going to need all your energy when we put into port at Bellos, ha-ha.

You are.

- Hello, Doc. - Morning.

Come.

Morning, sir. Sick report, sir.

- No time to dress this morning, Doctor? - I beg your pardon, sir? - You're naked.

- Am I, sir? I didn't notice. - Your button, Doctor, your button.

- Oh. - You have to watch yourself in the tropics.

Heat does strange things to people.

I remember when I first went Third.

- The First Officer came up the bridge one hot morning and announced he was Cleopatra. - Very awkward for all hands, sir.

- He had a rough night that time. That may have accounted for it. - Yes, sir.

I shall watch myself for any symptoms.

And there was your predecessor Flowerday. Poor fellow.

However, let's have a look at this sick list.

McKlusky, insomnia. What the devil does he think you can do about that?

Perhaps he thought I was Cleopatra, sir.

- What's the matter with this man. What is PUO? - Pyrexia of unknown origin, sir.

I'd be obliged if you'd speak English.

- He has a temperature, sir. - Why does he have a temperature?

- I really don't know. - You ruddy well ought to know. You're the doctor, aren't you?

Imagine what would happen if I didn't recognise a lighthouse, when I saw one?

Well, it's hardly the same thing, sir. You see, sir, I mean, for all that ...

- A lighthouse sticks up for miles, isn't it? - Don't be impertinent.

Bellos.

It looks a wonderful place, Easter.

- I suppose you've been here before, haven't you? - Oh yes. I'ts a pretty spot...

but it has some rather distressing memories, you might say.

The late Dr Flowerday used to be very fond of it.

Easter, what did happen to Dr Flowerday?

Oh, very melancholy, very melancholy it was.

- He was in a hurry to get ashore one day when we was anchored out here in the harbour. - Oh?

Well, he had ideas above his station... He tried to walk...

Oh!

No, you naughty boy! I don't want to kiss you!

Hey! Hey!

Blast!

Too fast an acceleration for you, Harry, eh?

I haven't got the pick-up that I used to have.

Family model. Catch her when she parks.

Chicken... Two!

Sword swallow. Hocus-pocus. One, two, three, go.

- Stick it, boss. - Don't be so darned silly!

Hello Easter.

- Back at your old job, I see, eh? - Oh yes, I like hair-cutting.

Bit of an art.

Like knocking up at the sculpture.

You never know how it's going to turn out.

- Ouch! - Oh, was that your ear, Doc?

- If you get me a septic wound, I'll bray you up. - Oh no! Sterilised, Doctor.

We of the medical fraternity know how to look after the tools of our trade.

- Here, the Violet coming in astern of us last night. - The Violet?

Yes, sister ship. Fathom Line too. Captain Beamish.

- He and the old man have been hating each other's guts for years. Eh, Easter? - Yes. Professional rivalry, like.

Both think that they've got the best ship afloat.

- You wouldn't fancy a crew cut, Doc? - No, I would not.

Oh! Hi'ya, Doc. I'm off the... Omar C. Ingersoll down the docks.

- Straight was the name. - Oh, how do you do? How are you?

Er, I know I shouldn't have busted in on you like this but your Chief Mate said it was OK.

Oh, perfectly all right. What can I do for you?

I just want a pack of Aspro.

- We're not carrying a medic and we're clear out. I don't want to put you into any trouble. - Oh, no, no. No trouble at all.

- Here are you. - I brought you these in exchange.

- Oh...yes, thank you. - Look,

er, why don't you pop over and have a cup of coffee some time.

- Just walk straight up the gangplank and ask for me. - Oh, that's very nice of you. Er...

- What exactly... I mean, what do you do aboard? - I'm the Captain.

- Hi. - Hello.

All set, Doc? I wonder where he gets his shirts?

The same place you get your ties, old boy.

Hey, do you like it? Picked it up last Christmas in BA.

- Subtle, isn't it? - Mmm... She's got a very pronounced strabismus, hasn't she?

- Is that medical for a good figure? - No, a squint.

A squint?

Oh, yes. So she has.

Going ashore, Second?

I'm not dressed like this to go down to the engine room.

You take it easy, weren't you? It's a very wicked city.

Third, if you find your fun among the dregs of humanity,

it doesnt follow that all officers wish to do the same.

It's a girl.

Never go ashore with Second, Doc. Mean... never stands a round.

- Just going over to Violet to pay a call on Captain Beamish. - Aye, sir.

Keep the men in order.

If anyone tries to smuggle a woman aboard, clap him in irons.

Spending your evening in a shop window, Mr Archer?

- Good evening, sir. - Good eve...

Hello, Chippie.

- Here... Taking the Alsatians for a stroll? - What are you talking about? - Oh, you know, them ruddy great green ones.

- Have you been drinking? - Oh! Hark at you!

Drink. Softens the brain in the end.

Hope you've locked your cabin. And screwed up the ports.

These chaps will pinch the teeth out of a can, given half a chance.

- Don't the police keep an eye on it? - They're too busy enjoying themselves.

They'll gamble on anything, these boys.

And they'll chuck you into the clink the first chance they get.

- You want to steer clear of them, Doc. - Well, thanks for the warning.

I say. What a smashing-looking girl. I wonder who that belongs to?

Hello. I wonder if you'd mind giving us a lift into town?

Rosita!

Rosita, my dear lady. I hope I haven't kept you waiting.

- Captain Hogg, sir. - Well?!

What's the matter with that officer, Beamish?

What, scurvy's aboard this chap, or something?

Miss Mallet, can I introduce Captain Hogg?

Good evening. Well, you are a surprise.

- I never expected a dear little beard. - Really, madam, I... - Miss Mallet is Sir Arthur's daughter.

- Oh. - I've been a passenger of Captain Beamish, all the way from Lima.

I can't tell you how exciting it's been.

I'm a landlubber, really, I suppose, and being at sea has been such a thrill.

- Indeed? - Captain Beamish and his officers have been so kind.

I think sailors get lonely on board without a little feminine company, ... don't you?

No, I haven't noticed it, madam.

Now, Captain, you mustn't be strong and silent with me, or I shall tell my father.

Well, perhaps they are inclined to fret a little from time to time.

Fret? Oh, what a sweet way of putting it.

- Captain, aren't we going to offer Captain Hogg a drink? - Of course.

Oh, you could pour me just a teeny one, will you, while I get my things?

Captain Beamish is going to take me out and show me the sights.

Now, don't you slip away while I'm gone.

Captain Beamish, I can't help feeling sorry for you, having that as a passenger for the whole voyage.

- Chairman's daughter or not, I'd wring her neck in two minutes. - What's this?

I'm glad you find it amusing. That's a cable from the Chairman, saying that you're to sign her around now and take her home.

- No! By Christopher, I won't! - The Chairman says you will, Hogg. - Oh...

♫ Do you love me? Je ne sais pas

♫ Darling, I don't know

♫ Je ne sais pas but I'm hoping that you do

♫ Do you want me? Je ne sais pas

♫ But your loving eyes

♫ Seem to tell me that you want me to be cool

♫ There's a magic Je ne sais quoi In the air tonight

♫ Je ne sais pas why my heart, it is so gay

♫ There are many things I don't know But l do know this

♫ That I love you, love you, love you ♫ Je le sais

♫ Do you love me? Je ne sais pas, darling

♫ I don't know

♫ Still, I'm hoping that you do

♫ Do you want me?

♫ Well, then, darling

♫ Come on and tell me that you do

♫ There's a magic Je ne sais quoi In the air tonight

♫ Je ne sais pas Why my heart, it is so gay

♫ There are many things I don't know But I do know this

♫ That I love you, love you, love you

♫ I am certain that I love you

♫ I love you, love you, love you Je le sais

- Don't do that, please. - I say! What a dish. Let's move in. She may have some friends.

- No, I don't think so, thank you. - Oh, come on, Doc. You're our decoy.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

I wonder if you'd care to join my friends and myself in a drink?

No, thank you.

Oh, we are... very nice, you know.

I'm sure you are, but so am I... and anyway, I'm waiting for a friend.

- If I'm not back when we sail... - Excuse me.

- I'm, er, I'm sorry about them, but... we've just docked... - You don't look like a sailor.

- Oh, don't I? - Uh-uh. - Oh, I'm only half a sailor really.

- What would be the other half? - A doctor. - Oh...

Are those two your patients?

- Sort of. - Well, keep an eye on them.

Their temperatures are rising.

Mine's not very steady.

Well, I see my friends. Excuse me, please.

- Oh, this is divine. - Yes, I thought you'd like it.

Hello, darling. Here you are. It's all settled. This is Captain Beamish.

Miss Colbert, Captain.

Her father is the line's agent in Algiers. Daddy has the greatest respect for him.

Oh, why didn't Captain Hogg come with us after all?

- He wasn't feeling very well. - Oh. Tum-tum?

- No. Shock. - I wanted him to meet the other passenger.

- I doubt if that would have helped his recovery. - Ah! Captain Beamish, good night.

- Good evening! This is Colonel Perello, the Chief of Police. Miss Mallet, Chairman's daughter. - How do you do?

Miss Colbert you've met.

- Ah! Indeed I have.

- Enchanté, Miss Mallet. Are you visiting? - Well, just popping in and out.

I'll give some service to you. Show you the beauties of our city, while you are popping.

- I shall be delighted. - Oh, it's very kind of you. Well, it'll have to be tonight.

Because The Lotus sails at noon tomorrow.

But I thought the... Fathom Line never carried any passengers?

- Sir Arthur made an exception in the case of these two ladies. - Aha!

So, you are leaving Bellos, Mademoiselle Colbert?

What shall we do without our sweet little nightshirt?

- Nightingale! - I have to go home,

and Miss Mallet has very kindly arranged I travel with her.

Oh yes, darling. I do want you to meet the Captain.

Do you know, he has the most magnetic little beard?

I never knew a beard could... be so fascina...nating.

You'll like there, Doctor. Nice and quiet.

Not a noisy dump like those other places. Restful.

As long as I can sit down for a bit, I shan't mind.

- You haven't come here to sit down, Doc. - I have.

You like to dance with me?

Er, no. Not just at the moment, thank you.

- If you don't like me, I get fired. - Oh, really?

Well, that won't do, will it?

All right. I like you.

- You like a drink? - Er... No. Not just now.

I get fired if you don't like a drink.

Tell me, do you get fired if I just sit here very quietly and go to sleep?

- Yes. - Oh...

Isn't there a rather high standard of activity demanded here?

I get fired if you don't give me 200 cruzeiros.

Oh, I see.

All right. Here's the money.

And you can go and join my playmates in there. No risk of getting fired with them.

Oh, er, excuse me. Could you tell me the way to the harbour, please?

- Bar? - No, no, the harbour. - Ah, plenty bars, Senhor.

- That one very nice. - Thank you.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me the way to the harbour, please?

- Doctor! - Oh, [?]. I'm glad to see you.

- I'm lost. - Good heavens. Lost? - Yes.

- Oh, I always carry a small map of the city, whenever I'm not sure. - Good idea. - And a pocket compass.

I say. Would you care for a nightcap? I know a rather charming little place just down the road there.

- Much better style than the others. - All right, if you insist. - I didn't insist.

- I just thought it would be rather jolly. - Yes, fine, fine, yeah.

- Splendid fare, excellent cuisine, very good cellar. It's a favourite haunt of the President. - What, there?

- Good morning. - Oh, is it?

Oh...

It's all right, I've chocked it...

- ... checked it. - Chocked what? - The bill.

- Oh, good. - Doctor, you don't mind paying, do you? Like a fool, I've come out without any money.

So have I.

- What? - Mmm...

But, Doctor, you might have said.

I mean, we'd never have come to an expensive place like this and ordered all this champagne, ...

...would we?

- What are we going to do? - Well, let's give him our watches.

- Give him... - No, no, no, please. No more watches.

Already I got two drawers full of watches.

What time is it?

Now, don't you be impertinent.

I'm not going to stand any nonsense from these fellows.

I...

Well, never mind. I'm a British citizen.

- Send for the Ambassador. - Hooray! - Send for the police.

I don't know what the Captain is supposed to say about this history. I really do not know.

- Me, of all people. - You don't want to worry, mate. They usually let you out in the morning with a caution.

No... But I'm on watch at four!

Keep them ruddy dogs under control, will you?

Anybody care for a song?

- Anybody care for a song?! - No!

Seen you geezers somewhere before.

Well...

♫ When August suns are shining...

Hoorah!

Fancy seeing you again. There we are!

- Oh! Number one. - Senhor!

Evening, all. Hello!

Oh, hello, Doc.

Been making the rounds, I see.

Easter, what have you been up to?

Well, a little husband trouble, Doc, you know. Happens to the best of us from time to time.

Evening, Mr Archer.

These are the cells. People stay here overnight.

Next morning they pay a fine or they go to not-so-nice accommodation.

- Very modern, yes? - How interesting.

- Are they all criminals? - Oh, yes. Very bad men.

Come and feed the monkeys!

- Look at that revolting beast. - Are you on a professional visit?

Er, no. Purely private.

Er, do... do you know my partner in crime... Aubrey!

- Hello. - How do you do?

Look at the lobes of the ears, the simian features.

- A murderer if ever I saw one. - Yes. Rather like who's it... Crippen?

Now let me show you my museum.

- It is full of wonderfully disgusting things. Really! - Oh! Mmm... I can't wait.

They're shocking. They look British, too, some of them.

Yes.

Oh, well. I suppose they'll just have to take their medicine.

(Perello) The Captain, please.

Bye, Captain.

- What you do, huh? - Eh? Oh, just a little game, Officer.

Quite harmless.

Just have to say which the lady is.

- Would you care to try? - Si. - Right.

Oh, you're a sharp one, you are.

- Here, what about a little flutter? A gamble. You know, money. Dough. - Oh, si, si, si, si.

Now, what'll the bet be? All right. Here we go.

(Guard) Pronto! Pronto!

- Here we are. - Pronto! Pronto! - Now, ready?

Now, where is she?

- There? - Si. - Yes...

Oh! Dough, dough, dough.

Don't think it's much of yours, Easter.

Proof of the pudding...

You beast!

- Sorry, darlings, wrong ship. [?] - Porter, is this the Lotus?

Madam, it is the Lotus, and I am the third officer.

Oh, so sorry, but you do look a little jim-jammy in that get-up.

- We're the passengers. - You mean, you're sailing with us?!

- Yes. - Would you take us to the Captain?

- But there's no hurry, is there? What about a little spot of something after your long walking? - Oh, yes, with pleasure.

- I am Miss Mallet.

Miss Mallet... Yes, I can see you are. This way, please.

Oh, this is going to be a wonderful trip.

- That's the ladies, sir. - Ah! Welcome aboard Lotus, Miss Mallet.

- Thank you. - And Miss...? - Hélène Colbert.

Mam'zelle Colbert. How do you do?

Well, we must make you nice and comfy, mustn't we?

- Whats accommodation you've reserved the ladies, Whimble? - Well, I thought perhaps the hospital.

The hospital?! For the Chairman's daughter and her friend?

- The Doctor's got a double cabin, hasn't he? - Yes. - Well, put them in there.

Please, don't turn anyone out because of me.

Nonsense, my dear. He'll be delighted.

- He'd better be in any case. - Darling, we must do exactly as the Captain says.

We don't want to be a nuisance... to anyone.

- Oh, hey, Doc. Come and have a drink. I've got something to tell you. Very exciting news on my watch. - Just a minute. I must get a shower. I've been...

stocking up the hospital.

(Pipes rumbling)

I won't be long, darling.

- Oh! - I'm terribly sorry. I thought I was still on the Lotus.

- Oh, you are.

I... I thought this was my cabin.

It is. I'm afraid you have to go to the hospital.

- Yes, I'm afraid you're right. - No, I mean, they have given us your cabin.

- I'm terribly sorry. - Oh, it's perfectly all right.

- Could you just tell me why? - Oh, we are passengers, Miss Mallet and I.

Oh, I see.

Yes.

Did you sleep well last night, Doctor?

Yes, I did. Thank you very much for asking.

We, er, played cards rather late, you know?

Did your temperature rise a little up?

Er, yes, it did, ... rather.

- I'm sorry we have taken your cabin. - Oh, no, not at all. Anything I can do to help you at any time, you know, if you...

- If you catch a cold or... something... - Thank you.

Well, I suppose, I will see more of you presently. Oh... er...

- I'd be very grateful if you woudn't mention last night to... the Captain. - Of course not.

- Thank you. - What is he like, your Captain Hogg?

Well...

He's inclined to fly off the handle sometimes.

As there are now ladies aboard, you will obey the following instructions.

There will be: one: no skylarking,

two: no ruddy swearing,

three: no indecorous consumption of alcohol,

You will behave at all times as officers... and, save the mark, as gentlemen, ...

bearing in mind that one of the ladies is in a strong position to report your conduct to the Chairman of the Line, ...

and as I'm in the same boat, you'd better all keep your noses clean.

- Understand? - (All) Yes, sir. - Good.

Now, there's another little matter I should like to talk to you about.

A certain fellow captain of the line, who shall be nameless,

seems to be under the erroneous impression that this ship is inferior to his.

This impression must be corrected forthwith. I ask for suggestions.

- Sir. - Well?

How about a football match? If I may say, sir, I'm rather a good kick.

Any kicking to be done aboard this vessel will be done by me.

I've decided what we're going to do.

We're going to hold a ships dance.

I'tll demonstrate to certain fellow captains of mine...

say nothing of the Chairman's daughter and the British colony in general...

that this is the finest vessel of her tonnage afloat.

There will be a dance, gentlemen...

and it'd better be ruddy good, [and there's no one here who'll want to know the reason why!]

Here, come on, lads. Hurry it up. We won't get it finished.

- Mr Trail. - Sir?

- Balloons, Mr Trail. - I beg your pardon, sir?

I said: balloons. You can't run any self-respecting dance without balloons. Have we got any?

- Nay, sir. - Get some.

- Any particular shape, sir? - Round ones, Mr Trail.

- You're the entertainments officer, aren't you? - Yes, sir.

- What have you done about the drink? - We've got some cup, sir. - Cup, Mr Trail?

Wine, Mr Trail. Wine for the ladies.

- We haven't got any, sir. - Get some.

See that it's marked 'Wine' on the label. So that they'll know what they are drinking.

What the devil do you think you're doing there, Mr Archer? Putting down beetle powder?

- No, sir. It's French chalk - for dancing. - Oh. Come here, Mr Archer.

I don't think much of your waltzing, Mr Archer.

Well, I'm not... very fond of the waltz, sir.

My officers waltz if I like it. Put some more of that stuff down.

- Oh, I think there's sufficient. - Put some more down. Mr Hornbeam! - Yes, sir.

What's the matter with this bunting here.

Looks like a lot of chewed seaweed.

- Well, sir, we changed it on your orders. - Change it back again.

- Now, sir? - At once!

- This is a ship's dance, Mr Hornbeam, not an excuse for loafing and idleness. - Aye, very well, sir.

Balloons, Mr Trail.

And balloons to you... sir.

- Doctor, can you come quickly. - What's the matter? - Well, it's the cook.

What's he done now? Fricasseed himself?

No, just about. Can you come at once?

- Jenkins, don't be a fool. - No, no! No! Let me do it! Let me do it.

What's the matter with him?

Oh, he said it's his wife. She's got another man.

Jenkins, I am sorry... What did she say?

Dear Vic, ... just to tell you...

I'm in trouble, because of my lover... Rosie.

Can I have a look?

Jenkins, can't you read?

She says, I'm in trouble because of my liver.

- And now, for Pete's sake, get on with your work. - Oh, thank you, Doc.

Why have you taken your teeth out?

I thought I might swallow them and choke to death.

Well, put them back in again.

- I can't think what I did with them. - Be a good boy and find them.

Good evening.

Good evening, Beamish.

Welcome aboard the finest ship in the Fathom Line, with the finest crew.

There my first: Hornbeam. Mate job.

- Good evening. - Good evening, sir. - My doctor: Sparrow.

Good evening, sir.

We've met before, haven't we?

I don't think so, sir. I'm new.

Odd, your face seems familiar.

Oh, sorry.

Look, you go and wait on the upper deck and I'll get some drinks.

- Up there? - Yes, up there.

- All right. - Good.

Easter,

I want a couple of drinks.You know the form - something, er, special.

Oh! Oh, yes, Mr Trail.

The glasses, Harry.

I have here a little cocktail, sir, that I have prepared special for myself and friends.

I call it fire alarm.

It looks jolly good. What's in it?

Oh, that, sir - as we of the bartending brotherhood say - would be telling.

It's tremendous!

- Here you are. - Thank you.

- Bung-ho. - Bung-ho?

It's strong, isn't it?

- Oh, is it? - Uh-huh.

- It's the fruit you're tasting. - Oh!

I say, er... Would you care to come and see the steering gear?

Why?

- Well, it's, er... rather interesting one, actually. I'd like you to see it. - Oh!

- All right. - Splendid.

Come along.

- Captain, you do waltz well. - Thank you.

- Do you jitterbug, too? - Madam, I do not. - Oh, don't you?

Oh, I shall have to teach you.

We'll be able to cut a rug during the long voyage home. We'll have a lot of fun.

- Oh, sorry! Was that your foot? - It was. Excuse me.

- Again? - Hello. - Thank you very much.

Tell me, what do you do on this ship?

- I'm an apprentice. - Oh, you mean you're learning the job? - That's right.

It seems to me you've learned it pretty well already.

Are you a very good doctor?

- Well, I'm... I'm a better doctor than I am a dancer. - Doesn't matter.

- At least we are going in the right direction. - Yes, I know.

That's what I was worried about.

It worries you? Why?

Well, it's, erm... out of the frying pan into the fire.

Simon, you speak too quickly for me.

- I do not understand. Please, speak in French. - I don't know the French for frying pan.

What is that, frying pan?

Er, in English, we call it, er... Wendy.

- Wendy? - Uh-huh. - It is the name of a girl in English.

- Yes. - It's like Hélène! - Yes.

But... it's also a frying pan?

- Er, yes, yes, in a way. - And Hélène, what is that? - Ah...

I'm afraid, er...

It's the fire.

Ah! Here we are.

- Bung-ho. - Bung-ho.

- Strong, isn't it? - Oh, is it? That's the fruit you're tasting. - Uh-huh.

- I say, er... Would you care to see the steering gear? - Why?

Well, it's rather interesting one actually. I'd like you to see it.

- All right. - Splendid. - Come on.

Oh! Here, do you know where the Doctor is, sir?

The Doctor? Well, I think he's on the poop. That's what...

Well, he's wanted urgently on the forecastle, sir.

- Couple of the stokers knocked themselves out doing the dance. - Doing it?

Oh, I wager they were fighting.

- Oh, no, sir, no. They were executing the pas-de-deux from Swan Lake, sir. - Pas-de-deux? I'd better find him.

- There's only one way to run a ship - method. Eh, Beamish? - By all means.

Order and method.

A place for everything, everything in it's place.

And nowhere else.

Jenkins!

Excuse me.

Thank you, sir.

- But I've seen the steering gear already. - Have you?

Hey, so you have. Well, um... come and see it again.

Isn't there another part of this ship with less of that nasty-nasty iron about?

Can I expect we'll leave for find somewhere?

Come on. Wake up.

- I don't want to see the steering gear. - No...

but you've got to see your own bed.

That's right.

- Home, James. - Wait a minute.

Come here... You can't sleep here.

Shh! Quiet!

- Whee! - Shh! Now, do be quiet, please.

Now, stand there.

Oh, do stand up.

Come on.

- In there. - Shh! - Oh, shh!

Oh!

Up you get.

Just a minute.

Lovely steering gear.

- What are you doing with my daughter? - Oh...

- I'm terribly sorry, sir, I think she's a bit tired. - How dare you, you swine?

But you misunderstand this, sir.

- I'm a doctor... - Oh! So, you've drugged her? - No, no, no. Of course not.

- I'm going to murder you. - You should listen to reason, sir. There's mis...

I'm going to tear you into little pieces. I'm going to trample you into the carpet.

I shouldn't do that if I were you, sir.

- I beg your pardon. - Oh! Scared, eh?

- I know your sort. - No, I'm not thinking of myself, sir, or of your carpet. I'm thinking... thinking of you.

- Thinking? Huh! You needn't think about me. - Well, sir, I had to as a doctor, because...

Violent exersise is... very dangerous for you with... with your complaint.

Don't play for time...

What complaint?

- You suffer from Higginbottom's disease, don't you, sir? - No, I do not.

Oh!

I suppose they were afraid to tell you.

Now. Mm-hmm... Oh, dear. I'm afraid it's all too obvious.

- Oh, yes. The symptoms are all there. - Poor Daddy.

Would you mind putting your arms above your head?

- No, I won't. - Ah, I see. It hurts too much, does it? - Certainly not.

It's not very good, is it?

Never mind. I wonder if you'd just... just try to bend over.

Down you go.

Now... I assure you, this is a matter of life and death.

- Oh! - It's all right.

I suggest you stay there for a moment.

Er... Would you start counting?

One... two... three... four...

five... six... seven... eight...

nine...ten...eleven...twelve... thirteen...

Ordinary Seamen Wilson and Merritt, sir, for logging.

- All right, Mr Hornbeam, wheel the perishers in. - Very good, sir. Come on in, you two.

Ordinary Seamen Wilson and Merritt, sir, found fighting in the forecastle, contrary to Article 17 of the Merchant Navy Act.

Thank you, Mr Hornbeam.

Now, first of all, I want to make one thing perfectly clear to you two.

You're getting a completely fair hearing this morning.

You're quite at liberty to ask questions of me or any other of the officers,

and you may call witnesses in your defence.

As far as I'm concerned a man is innocent until he's proved guilty. Do you hear that?

(Both) Yes, sir.

Very well. Now you tell me your version of the story.

Well, sir, it was like this here, sir.

- Me and my mate were having a cup of tea... - You flaming liar! You were rotten drunk, both of you!

- Who? Me, sir? - Who, me? - Of course you were.

Don't answer me back or I'll kick you round the forecastle!

Cup of tea, indeed! What do you take me for?

I was at sea when you were playing marbles in the filth of a gutter while the marks of the cradle hardly have got...

- Mr Hornbeam, you found these men fighting? - Yes, sir.

Doctor, did you or did you not find these men drunk?

- Well, sir, the scientific tests... - There you are! The Doctor agrees with me.

You were soused, you miserable scouses! Do you know what I'd like to do with you? (Scouse - of Liverpool in England.)

I'd like to clap you in irons in the chain-locker and keep you on bread and water till we get back to port.

I'd like to lash you to the mainmast... Stand up straight when I speak to you!

...and flog the living hide off you!

That's the sort of treatment you scum deserve.

You dozy, idle, loafing, illegitimate cut-throats.

All right. Fined five shillings. Good morning.

All right. Get out.

Isn't it a lovely morning?

Exquisite morning, sir.

Mr Archer, we are not on a pleasure cruise.

My compliments to Mr Hornbeam and please tell him to get that deck cargo properly lashed and stowed. It looks like a bundle of knitting.

Aye, aye, sir. Mr Hornbeam?

- Ah! Mr Hornbeam, I wonder if you'd mind...? - Hornbeam, get that deck cargo properly secured! - (Hornbeam) Aye, aye, sir.

- Captain Beamish didn't have nearly such a pretty bridge as you have, Captain. - Uh-huh.

Do you know, I think it would be rather nice if you had some ivy in pots, sort of trailing over everything, wouldn't it?

- I think your father wouldn't approve. - Daddy, oh daddy does everything I suggest.

- He calls me his ideas girl. - Yes, I can see the justice of that. Get out of my way!

Don't you ever feel isolated up here, Captain?

- No, Miss Mallet. - Oh.

Of course you have the seagulls, I suppose,

but you can't have nice, cosy chats with them, can you?

- Oh... Oh, may I ask you a favour, Captain? - Of course, Miss Mallet. - May I...

May I drive it for a little?

- Drive it?! - Daddy says every woman should know how to.

- Oh, he does, does he? - Yes. - Quartermaster, Miss Mallet will take over the wheel for a spell.

- Aye, aye, sir. - Oh, thank you.

Fellowes, Mr Archer.

- Send the Doctor to me at once and stand lively! - Aye, sir.

- Mr Archer, attend Miss Mallet in the wheelhouse. - Oh... Ah...

Oy, is there a Highway Code or something I should read first?

Oh, Mr Archer, dear, which are the brakes?

- Brakes? - Of course.

- Good morning, sir. - Eh? - You sent for me?

Yes. It's about this woman Mallet, the one with the teeth.

- She's pursuing me. - Oh, really?

- I hadn't noticed, sir. - Don't be such a confounded damned liar.

You know I'm a calm, reasonable sort of man, but, er...

she might drive me to lose control of myself.

- Really, sir? - Don't say "Really, sir". That's a very awkward situation for me.

- What are you gonna do about it? - Well, I don't really know what I can do about it.

You're doctor, aren't you? You'll give her a pill or something to make her sleep for a fortnight.

Oh, wouldn't that be rather difficult to explain to the... prospective patient's father, sir?

Yes, I hadn't thought of that.

But this can't go on. I mean: the woman's got obsession about me!

- I could try psychiatry, sir... I'm not... - No, I don't want that muck aboard my ship!

Better give me something.

Something in the nature of a... a love potion, sir?

To make the obsession mutual?

Don't be disgusting.

- No, give me something to calm my nerves. Make it strong. - Very well, sir.

I'll send you up a sedative. It might also calm your temper.

- I haven't got a temper! - All right, sir, all right, but...

don't drink any alcohol at the same time, ...

otherwise you'll be excessive...

excessively drunk, and the consequences could be disastrous.

- Very well. Send it up right away and you better see it's good. - Yes, sir.

Excuse me, Doc, but Father - I meant the Captain - wants another box of those pills.

- Another? - Yes, sir.

All right.

- Nice and quiet up here this morning, Mr Hornbeam? - Yes, sir. Very.

- Restful, eh? - Yes, sir.

- Your new pills, sir. - Thank you.

- Put them in my cabin, will you? I don't need them today. - Yes.

Mr Hornbeam, what the devil are those men doing below there?

- I'll go and see, sir. - I'll go myself.

- Nobody, it seems, has enough to do aboard this ship. - Good morning, sir.

Your stocking, Mr Fellowes.

Excuse me, sir.

The skipper!

Good morning, Captain. You come to sunbathe?

- I do not sunbathe. - Oh, but you should.

It's so good for you. Daddy does whenever he can.

I was thinking you might find somewhere a little less public!

Oh, how sweet of you. We'll come up on the bridge, shall we?

Go along, darling.

Sir.

Thank you, Doc.

- Next, please. - Next, please. Next!

- What, might I inquire, is the matter with you? - I'm stuck.

- Stoker Corble, sir. Says he's stuck. - Stuck? - Stuck.

There I am, Doctor, stoking away, good up.

Minding my own business, when suddenly I get stuck, just like this - look.

- Eh... See that you... You... you mean you can't stand up straight? - No.

- Now, what we of the medical fraternity call a sloppy disc, eh, Doctor? - No, it isn't, Easter.

Easter, go and stand round there.

Now, ... you come across and put your hands on Easter's shoulders and try and stand up straight.

- Hurt? - No.

Can't feel a thing.

- You feel that? - Yeah. It tickles.

Easter, get out. Come here. Get underneath and take the strain.

Now, look, you push up, and I'll try and pull. Right?

Shall I get the chief engineer to fix up a block and tackle?

No, I don't think that's necessary.

Hey, Doc, I'm not going to be left this way for keeps, am I?

- You know, the wife will think I'm taking the mickey out of her. - You'll be all right in a jiffy, I promise you.

Easter... Easter, get me some oil, will you?

To rub him down with. This needs loosening up.

- We've got some castor oil. - Castor oil or olive oil lubrication. Anything will do.

Thank you.

Miss Mallet pinched the olive oil for her bains de soleil, as our French friend would say.

Good morning.

Good morning, miss.

Er... Thanks, Doc. You fixed me fine.

What can I do for you?

Well, I've had a little backache, but funnily enough, it's all right now.

I'm sure we can find something wrong with you if we try.

Oh!

Now, then.

Er... How about a little pink gin?

- Here we are, Miss Mallet. I seem to have rubbed almost everything. - Thank you. It feels lovely.

Captain, hello.

Oh, you don't mind my borrowing one of your officers, do you?

Madam, as far as I'm concerned, you can keep him.

As a deck officer, I have always considered he'd make a good greaser.

Oh!

Don't worry. He doesn't really mean it.

Nothing I do seems to please.

There you are.

Come on. Drink it down. It'll do you good.

- This is the first time I've ever drunk pink gin in a medicine glass. - I wish I could say the same thing.

Bonne chance.

- You have no work? - No. Business is not very brisk today.

- Do you enjoy it? - What? The job?

Oh, I don't know. Quite.

I'm afraid some of them don't think very much of me.

- They think I'm a bit of a landlubber. - Quoi? (What?) - Er...

- A little bit green. - Oh.

I suppose you can't blame them, really.

Why do you do it?

Wel, I developed what is known in the trade as an allergy.

- What to? Feathers or something? - Oh no, ...

to hungry girls in glasses, called Wendy. - Oh, I see.

Are you better now?

Oh, yes. I'm much better, thank you.

Eh, you know, it's usually the doctor that does the questioning.

- Oh, I am sorry. Go ahead. - Well, um...

Are you... allergic to anything?

Er...ships' doctors, for example?

I haven't noticed it.

- Excuse me, Doc. Could you come? Urgent. - Look, if it's the cook again, cut him down yourself.

No, it's old Harry, Doc. He doesn't look good.

- He says his belly - pardon, Miss - his abdomen hurts. - All right. Will you excuse me?

Excuse me, sir.

- Sir, do you think we can go a little faster? - Why?

Well, it's old Harry, sir, quartermaster. He's got an acute appendicitis. I'd like to get him to hospital as soon as possible.

Why?

- For an operation, sir. - You know our position, Doctor?

I can't make port for at least three days. You'll have to operate yourself.

- Me, sir? - You're the doctor, aren't you?

- Well... - That's what you're paid for.

- I'm not the surgeon. That's a different thing altogether. - I don't mind what you are.

I'll have no dead quartermasters aboard my ship.

Operate yourself, Doctor. That's an order.

Very well, sir.

- If you want any nurses, I'm sure the ladies will be delighted to oblige. - Oh, with pleasure.

Scrub it down thoroughly, ...

and then sterilise the instruments. - Yes, Doctor.

- Ever given an anaesthetic before, Easter? - Oh, yes, Doc. I remember, ...

once in the Red Sea... - Yes, all right, all right.

Are you a bit nervous, Doctor?

Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes.

- This might be the time for a little... medical comfort, sir? - Well, after it's over, Easter.

- I'm going to get some more bulbs. Do what you can up here, will you? - Righto.

Easter!

- How do you lay 'em out, Chippie? - Lie on it. On your back. I'll show you.

Hands on your chest, now, like this.

Oh, you'll slip off this like a wet fish.

- Very dignified. Look. - Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Nothing like a good burial at sea for dignity, I always say.

- Hello, Doc. Just taking a few precautions. - So I see.

Here. Hold this.

And don't forget, two waves from Charlie mean he's kicked the bucket.

Then you lower away to half-mast and Bob's your uncle.

- Good morning, Doc. - Good morning. - Don't take it too hard, will you?

OK.

Forceps.

No, the others.

What's Harry's chances, Chippie?

Oh, I don't know. I don't think this Doc has ever done the job like this before.

All right, Doc?

Yes. Yes, I think he'll do.

He's all right.

A good pulse.

No sign of infection.

It would have come by now if it was going to.

- Simon? - Eh? - Why don't you go to bed?

You haven't had any sleep for a long time.

No, not yet.

I must wait till I'm quite sure.

- Do you want some more coffee? - Hmm? Oh, yes.

- You're a very good nurse, you know? - You're a very good doctor, I know.

Oh, excuse me, Doc. Someone to see you. Special.

Confound it! For Pete's sake! Give him a couple of aspirin.

Tell him to come back tomorrow morning.

- Easter, all right, send him in. I'll see him. - There's more than one, Doc.

Oh?

All right.

Doc says: come in.

- Well? - Well, sir, as representing the crew of the SS Lotus of the Fathom Line,

we've taken the liberty to come here and express our gratitude for what you've done for old Harry there.

You see, we... we're all very fond of old Harry, and...

It's our opinion, nem. con., that... you're a proper ship's doctor...

who done what you did for him, seeing what a pickle he was in.

And so, sir, we'd like you to accept this small token of our esteem and regard.

Bring him over.

- That's yours, Sandyman. - I'd like you to have it, Doc.

Thank you. I...

Thank you, ... very much.

You see, sir, we felt that...

Are you glad they have given you the bird?

Er, yes, in a way.

I seem to have won thirty-three and six from you, Captain.

- Shall I add it to the list? - If you please.

What are those pills you keep taking?

- They're for headaches. - Oh, do you have one?

- I have on this trip. - You worry.

About your promotion, perhaps? Oh, I'm sure you needn't.

Somehow, I can see the one thick stripe on your arm.

Commodore Hogg of the Fathom Line.

I wonder if Daddy could see it, too?

Yes. Commodore Sir Wentworth Hogg. Yes. Yes, it suits you.

Very kind of you to say so, I'm sure.

There's just one teeny thing against it, perhaps.

You're not married.

Steamship lines do like their Commodores to be married.

It seems to make them more... stable.

I know Daddy feels like that.

Oh, well. I must go and tidy up.

Thank you for the game. lt was lovely...Wentworth.

Oh, good evening, Mr Archer. Isn't it a lovely evening.

Yes, indeed, Miss Mallet. Do you have any idea whether the Captain's engaged?

Engaged? I think it's a little too soon to...

Oh, you mean busy. I thought you meant, er...

No, he isn't busy, Mr Archer. I've just left him.

Oh!

Oh!

Come.

- Good evening, sir. - What do you want?

Well, sir, among other things, I'd like to offer my congratulations, sir.

- I hope I'm the first to do so. - What are you chattering about, you bleeding monkey?

Miss Mallet, sir. The happy event. Your impending... nuptials.

And who told you I was engaged to be married to Miss Mallet?

Well, sir... Er...

Come here.

Come here!

Has this ship's company got nothing better to do than sit about and gossip?

I'ts time they had! I'm nothing of the sort, do you understand? Nothing of the sort!

And now get out! Get out!

- The meteorological report... - Get out!

- Simon? - Hmm?

This time tomorrow, you will be in England.

- Yes. - And that will be the end of our little shipboard romance.

Yes, I suppose it will.

- And you know, we're playing a very traditional scene. - A traditional? Why?

Well, we've got a ship's rail, calm sea, moonlight, you, me, the end of the voyage.

- All we need now is a celestial choir. - You sound sad.

Well, I am sad.

What happens to you now?

Well, I will take some holidays, and after, go on working somewhere.

- And you? - I... I'm staying on with the ship.

They're bound for Rio on the next trip, and...

- I've never seen Rio. - Are there any... frying pans in Rio? - Hundreds, I should think.

Why don't you come with me and find out?

I don't think I'd be a very good... doctor's wife.

And I wouldn't be very good in cabaret.

I could all the same learn a few tricks from Easter.

Well, I think we have to say goodbye now, before...

Yes.

- Bon voyage, Docteur. - Bon voyage.

Who's on watch?

- I am, sir. - You go below. I'm taking over.

Very good, sir.

You get below, too.

- Aye, sir.

- And don't mince! - Ooh!

Wentworth... Dear Wentworth...

Harry.

Thank you.

- Oi, Turkish delight. - Mm?

No, I've got some English delight here.

The trouble is, nobody in this ship's got enough to do.

Sound the alarm bell seven times.

- But that's boat stations, sir... - Do as you're told!

Now signal abandon ship.

I'll give them something to do.

- Trail! I say. What's happened? - I hear the engine rooms are bathing inferno for our boys.

- I'd heard we struck an iceberg. - An iceberg?

- If I may make so bold, Doctor, abandon ship. - I gathered that.

Morphia, syringe, torch...

And the medical comforts, perhaps, Doctor?

By the sound of it... very good idea you had, Easter. Easter...

I'll make the perishers sweat.

Oh, how tiresome. I do hope this doesn't give the Captain a headache.

- As quickly as you can, ladies, please. We're sinking. - Oh!

- Do you want any help, darling? - No, no. - Oh, please do help me. I can't do it up. - Do what you can. I'll be in the lifeboat. - Oh, you must do it!

Come on. Don't waste time.

(Moans)

Right. Up!

Dozy, idle nincompoops.

What the devil's happening to number three boat?

Man all lifeboats! At the double!

- Come on! This way! Hurry! Hurry! - Come on there! Step lively!

Turn him round.

Tear away lifelines.

Stand by, disengaging gear.

Mind, I've got water on the knee.

- You'll get water on the head, if you don't get up. - Where are the women?

- Miss Mallet? Miss Colbert? - Whats the trouble, Mr Trail?

- Oh, don't worry. Something's gone wrong, that's all. - Maybe the steering gears worn out.

Don't panic! Please don't panic!

Come on. Lower away there! Ship's going down!

Doctor, if you don't get a move on, you'll end up wet!

Johnson? Williamson? Jenkins! Where's that ape of a cook?

- I'm sorry, sir. I lost Rosie's photo. - That's not all you've lost. - Oh!

Come on. Get in there, all of you.

Incompetent imbeciles! Call yourselves sailors?

- Fireworks. Oh, I've always loved them. - Let's take our proper places, Miss Mallet.

- Oh! Please, let us keep our umbrellas in their proper places, too. - So sorry. Don't panic, please.

- Cor! What a lash-up! Get up! - Keep them dogs under control, Chippie.

Oh, what a lash-up. I'll never see Wapping again.

Oh, no. There's time for that later.

Stop!

You're the doziest, idlest bunch of incompetent nincompoops I've ever had the misfortune to sail with!

Now, swing them all inboard again.

Get back to your quarters and start over again.

Right. Get back to your quarters.

Doc, you come with me.

Now, let's have no dumb insolence.

- He's drunk. - Drunk? - He's got a bottle up there with him.

On top of all those pills?

- He's not drunk. He's crackers! - Hmm?

He's incapable. He's barmy.

Bosun, dismiss all hands. Disregard all further alarm signals. The Captain's ill.

Mr Hornbeam, this is mutiny. I'll clap you in irons!

- Well, Doc. Your patient's waiting. - Mine?

You're the Doc!

- You've got a couple of soothing syrups, some, haven't you? - Yeah...

Easter.

Get the hypodermic, quickly.

- You'd better go distract his attention somehow. - Right.

Mutinous scum!

I'll have the Board of Trade on the lot of you for this.

Oh, thank you.

- Is it all right, Doctor? - Yes, that's fine. Keep him quiet for a week.

Well, bon voyage, Doctor, if I may make so bold.

- I suppose you're lucky to be coming with me. - Oh, no, no, no!

You're coming with me. Now, hold that.

- Get off my bridge! - It's quite all right... - Get off my bridge!

And remember, you stay close behind me.

When I reach back for the hypodermic, you give it to me.

- Who's that? - It's all right, sir. It's only me, the Doctor.

- Get off my bridge. - I wanted to have a word with you... - Get off my bridge, you snotty-nosed medico!

No!

Oh-ho-ho! He ain't half going to have headache when he wakes up in the morning, Doc.

Doc?

Curious... Just when we need you most.

- Well, I can attest you'll be all right but you're going to need a nurse. - Nurse?

- Never had a nurse in my life. Where's your cap? I'm sorry, sir.

- I leave the Captain entirely in your hands. And the best of luck. - Get out!

- How long do you suppose it'll be? - Oh, for another 40 years or so, l expect.

Now, Wentworth, take your medicine like a good boy...

or I shall tell Daddy.

Well, there's a telegram for Miss Hélène, Doc.

- Well, you better take it to her. - But I thought you might like to, Doc. - Why?

Well, it says she's got a job in Rio.

- In Rio? How do you know? - Oh, I've got X-ray eyes, Doc, ...

then I had a read to make sure.

Easter, as we of the medical fraternity say, you're a...

Go on, sir.

Stop!

It's a telegram for you.

- You've got a job in Rio. Can you hear me? - No.

There's a telegram...

Subtitles by: Vitaly (vipo). (Leningrad (USSR)-Gush Dan (Israel)). July 30, 2023. Editing program: "Subtitle Edit".