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[country music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[emcee] Would you please help me welcome to the stage the one, the only,

- Ottawa's own, Tom Green! - [cheering]

[country music continues]

[cheering intensifies]

[whistling]

[cheering quiets down]

This is what I look like now.

It's been a few years since the Slutmobile.

- What's up, Ottawa? How you doing? - [cheers]

Good to see you. This is Charlie. Give it up for Charlie, everybody.

[cheers]

I'm performing with my dog.

Yeah, things are going real good.

We're on a tour. We're on a world tour. We just did Petawawa.

We're playing in Hamilton, Flint, Michigan.

Lansing, hitting all the hot spots.

It's the No Stone Left Unturned tour.

I'm shooting my comedy special tonight.

- [cheering] - Yeah.

For Amazon Prime, yeah.

I'm trying to come up with a name for it. I'm thinking Tickets Still Available.

I think that might... might be good.

I live a little outside of town here.

So I drove into town today, and I'm staying in an Airbnb tonight

because that's what I do when I'm on the road.

I like to stay in an Airbnb when I tour.

I don't like staying in these fancy hotels.

I like Airbnbs 'cause it's a real person's house,

and their stuff is in there,

and I go through their stuff.

I'm wearing the guy's pants.

I'm on his medication.

I don't even have gout. Right? See...

[forced laugh] Right?

Don't even have gout, huh? Except really...

Look at Charlie. Isn't Charlie good?

- [cheers] - Oh, my God.

You're a good girl, Charlie. You're a good girl.

This guy is calling the Humane Society.

- What's your name, sir? How you doing? - Fred.

Fred? Nice to meet you, Fred. What do you do, Fred?

[Fred] You too. Not much.

Not much? Okay, honest. "Honest Fred," we'll call you.

Well, is there anyone I can talk to that does something?

Only making it harder for me to do crowd work, Fred.

Come on, this is my big night. Give me something. Work with me here.

Ah, fuck it. I'm not gonna do crowd work. [chuckles]

- How about you? What's your name? - Blake.

- Blake. What do you do, Blake? - Pharmaceutical...

Pharmaceutical, drug dealer. There we go. Good to see you.

See, you could have just told the truth.

You look more like a drug dealer than this guy.

Like, clearly, look at you.

[laughs] No, you're nice person. I'm just... That was uncalled for.

Yeah, I've been on the road with Charlie.

Charlie, I got Charlie at the beginning of the worldwide global pandemic.

Remember that?

I was living in Los Angeles when the worldwide global pandemic happened,

and I took it seriously. I took it real seriously.

Not everybody did.

I didn't realize when the worldwide global pandemic started,

that people would not take it seriously because it sounded serious.

Like it's a pandemic, it's worldwide, it's global.

So I did all the things they told us to do.

You know, I wore the mask, I wore the rubber gloves,

I ordered my groceries on Instacart.

They'd show up, I'd spray them on the front lawn with Clorox bleach.

I would stream that on my Instagram, so my fans and followers would be safe.

And then I would go read the comments, and they'd say things to me like,

"You stupid Hollywood piece of garbage, go back to Canada, fuck you."

So I did.

[laughing, cheering]

I went back up.

Back to Canada. Came back to Canada, right?

I rescued Charlie. She's a rescue from the Bahamas.

She came to California, and then we moved back to-to the area here in the winter.

And I saw her looking around at the snow-covered fields,

thinking I'd rather be on the beach eating trash.

So I'm a farmer now, you see. I'm a farmer.

- I got a farm. - [cheers]

[in Canadian accent] Oh, yeah, bud.

Oh, yeah, bud, we're getting 'er done out there, eh, bud?

Oh, yeah. Good to be back in the Ottawa Valley, eh?

Oh, yeah, bud.

[normal] I'm farming radishes.

Yeah, I wanted to start out with something easy, so I...

I was down at the gardening center the other day.

I said, "Do you got any of that nutrient rich soil?"

They said, "What are you growing?" And I said, "I'm growing radishes."

They said, "You're growing weed." I said, "Yeah, I'm growing weed."

Can't... Can't get away with...

Can't get away with anything around here.

I got six chickens. Loretta, Patsy, Shania, Dolly, June, and Anne.

And I love them.

Love them so much, I guess I should say "loved" them.

Five of them are dead now.

The coyotes got five of them. So, yeah, I'm not a good farmer.

And I cried.

I cried when the coyotes got 'em, real tears, because I really do...

Did...

Did love these chickens, you know?

Good girl, Charlie.

- [crowd] Aw... - Such a good girl.

Settling in? Yes. There you go.

Let's put that nice for the camera. Look at that. There you go.

Very nice. Good job. Give her a hand. Give Charlie a hand.

[applause]

Give Charlie a hand. You're a good girl.

You're a good girl, Charlie. Look at you. You're a good girl.

It's amazing what Benadryl will do for a...

performance.

No! We've been doing this.

We're on the road, we're traveling. We're on the road, we do this.

We've been practicing. Okay?

I'm doing fine. Everything's fine, okay?

Got a mule now.

- [cheers] - I'm doing good.

I've got a mule named Fanny.

And if you follow me on social media, you see me trying to ride her.

Trying, it's not easy. They're smart, mules.

Mules are smart, so she's figured out that I don't know what I'm doing,

and she takes advantage of it, she'll only turn left.

So we just go out for a little spin to the right till we get dizzy.

And then we quit, but it's fun. I love her, she's great.

A mule is half-horse, half-donkey, by the way, I don't know if you know that.

Half-horse, half-donkey.

Like, human beings have to take a horse and a donkey and breed them.

Two completely different species, and then they make a mule.

It's like a weird, perverted Frankenpet, and I wanted one of those.

And I love it out there, and Charlie loves it.

And we run through the fields, and it's good to be back in Canada, eh?

Oh, yeah, and my chickens are dead.

And everything's fine. I'm doing fine.

And I cried. I cried real tears.

And then my neighbors, who are good friends of mine, they're real farmers.

You know, they came over, and they saw the feathers everywhere.

And I asked them, I said, "Do farmers cry?"

They said, "Not over their dead chickens."

So my neighbors think I'm a pussy, and things are going good.

I'm doing fine.

That's what I'm doing now in this next chapter of my life,

the final chapter.

Come home to Canada to die.

Like a salmon swimming upstream, to die and...

spawn and die in a puddle of my own jizz.

That's all... That's what I want, right?

That's what I'm going to do.

Oh, good to be at the NAC. Okay, let's go.

Can't believe I'm at the National Arts Center, man.

If you had told me when I was humping that dead moose,

- that someday... - [cheers and applause]

...someday, I would be performing here, I wouldn't have believed it.

I wouldn't have believed it.

And last week I was in Hobart, Indiana.

And if you had told me when I was hosting Saturday Night Live,

that in 20 years, I'd be performing at a rock club in Hobart, Indiana,

I wouldn't have believe that either, to be honest with you.

[chuckles]

No, this is a real honor to be here. This is amazing.

- [cheers] - This is incredibly cool,

- and thank you for coming to the show. - [applause]

Yeah.

It's a fucking weird shirt you got on there, dude.

I don't know. [stammers]

I don't wanna mention what the hell it is, but it's fucking weird.

Are you doing that to fuck with me or something like that?

God, the guy's got a nun with laser beams coming out of its eyes.

Just stand up and show everybody the shirt that you chose to wear to the NAC.

- [cheering] - That's what you chose to wear,

to the National Arts Center, for my comedy special taping.

Fitting, actually. Absolutely.

You look like a fan of The Tom Green Show.

You like a good moose hump now and then, huh?

You're a moose humper kind of guy. Yeah.

And if you had told me when I was humping that dead moose,

that someday, I'd be playing here with a guy with a nun on his shirt

with laser beams coming out of its eyes,

I would have believed that actually.

That would have made more sense to me. [laughs]

It's weird, 'cause when I humped that dead moose... [clears throat]

Like, I'm not here to explain myself or anything, but...

Like, you know, when you're performing a show,

when you're making a show on the community channel, right,

and you don't have a big budget for props, etc...

[chuckles]

and then you borrowed some kid's van that you met on the internet...

But anyways, that sounds weird, but anyways,

and you're driving from Winnipeg to Thunder Bay,

and you haven't seen a soul in days,

and you're out there supposed to be filming people on the street,

and you know, you've got limited time, limited budget,

and then 6:00 in the morning, you look out the window,

and there's a dead moose at the side of the road.

I mean, you'd get out, and you hump it. That's what you do.

That's what you do, you hump the moose,

and you put it on the public access station.

And then, see, because this was before the internet,

you see, it was different before the internet.

This is what you had to do.

Look, first of all, people weren't supposed to see that

for the rest of my life.

It was supposed to air once at midnight, on Ottawa public access TV.

That was it.

- Huh? Hmm? - [applause]

That's how it works.

You... you hump the moose. You film it.

You put it on the public access station, like ten people see it.

But then they go tell everybody, "You see, that's the guy

on the public access station, he's humping moose and shit,"

and then they tune in the next week, and you're not humping a moose.

You're doing something more sensible, like a spreading shit on a microphone

and sticking it... poo in a microphone, stick it in people's faces,

or painting pornography on the hood of your parent's car,

or something sensible like that.

- Something nice, right? - [cheering]

So anyways, then the show gets picked up by MTV.

I make this song called "The Bum Bum Song."

It goes to number one. Number one song in America, okay?

Knocked Britney Spears off Total Request Live on MTV.

She was like, "What the fuck?" You know?

Then Eminem does a parody of "The Bum Bum Song," okay?

My "Bum Bum Song."

I still claim ownership over it like I'm proud of it still.

[mockingly] My "Bum Bum Song."

♪ My bum is on the cheese Bum is on the cheese ♪

♪ If I get lucky, I'll get a disease ♪ [fake laughs]

Yeah, two weeks later, I got testicular cancer.

Okay, that's called karma.

That's what that is.

Yeah, that's... Okay. I got lucky.

Okay, hmm... [laughs]

Anyways, the song went number one. That's all I'm saying.

Anyways, I'm fine. I'm fine. I survived cancer.

- I'm a cancer survivor too. - [cheering]

Yeah, yeah.

[applause]

I can still ejaculate, just a little.

No, no, it's pretty good.

[laughs]

Yeah, the song goes number one. "The Bum Bum Song."

I wrote it in 12 seconds on a napkin, and then it goes to number one on MTV.

I got the number one song in America. Then Eminem does a parody...

Not a parody, it's like his next single,

Eminem, the GOAT, the biggest rapper in the history of rap,

puts out "Slim Shady."

[vocalizes "The Real Slim Shady"]

[rapping] ♪ I just wanna go on TV and let loose ♪

♪ But can't, but it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose? ♪

♪ My bum is on your lips My bum is on your lips ♪

- Right? Yeah. - [cheers]

That's like... it's cool for Tom Green to hump a dead moose.

Nobody was never supposed to see that again.

Now, the biggest rapper... That's going to follow a guy, okay?

Be like if The Beatles sang about it or something.

♪ Hey, Jude, just want to let loose ♪

♪ Go on TV and hump a dead moose ♪

[in Beatles accent] Like Tom Green.

[normal] It's not good.

It's not good.

Know what I like about being in the country?

Not just this country, but the country. [laughs]

Like, I just... Hollywood's a weird place.

That's all I'm saying. It's like being around...

I like being around real people.

- You know? Yeah, yeah. - [cheers]

Real humor, too.

[sarcastically] Not this woke humor that they got in Los Angeles, you know?

Everything's all woke down there in Hollywood, right?

Can't say anything anymore, right?

I don't mind being woke. I'm proud to be woke, though.

That's the thing. We're Canadian. We've always been woke.

We had the first Trans Highway.

So... Right?

I remember that came along when I was a kid.

That's awesome, man. Nobody's doing this.

Trans-Canada Highway. Unbelievable.

Yeah, I'm 53 years old. I'm a farmer now.

I don't have any kids. Always thought I would have kids by the time I was 53.

I'd like to have kids. I still might have kids.

I think I'm going to wait till I'm 60 to have kids, just so...

just so I'll know them when they're nice.

They'll go to college, ask for money for college, and I'll die.

Perfect timing.

I'd like to have kids.

[chuckles]

I don't want to die alone. You know?

[crowd] Aw...

No, at least if I have kids, you know, soon,

at least then, when I'm old and dying,

my teenage kids will be there, gathered around my hospital bed,

staring at their phones, I want that for me.

Inconvenienced.

I wanna have some good last words,

some famous last words for my teenage kids, you know.

You always hear about that, you know.

People, when they're on their death bed, they say something incredible.

So, it's a hard thing to time, though.

Because you don't really know what it feels like to die.

Right? You only die once.

And you got to time it perfectly, and you don't know what it feels like.

You're in the hospital bed. You got tubing running in and out of you.

Your kids are there on their Metaverse goggles.

There's lots going on.

You feel a little tingle.

You've got that thing you've been practicing in your head.

You go, "This might be it here."

You knock the Metaverse goggles off your teenage kids,

and they're looking at you, like...

May the sun always shine in your face, so the shadows will be cast behind ye.

And then you don't die. You know, you're like...

How many people have kids? You have kids?

That's the hard part about having kids, right?

Because you gotta, like, you gotta encourage them.

And it's a scary world, and you got to say you can do anything you want,

and then your kid thinks that they can do anything they want.

And you got to watch them for ten years, walking around,

thinking they're going to be an astronaut, and they're not going to be an astronaut.

But they think they're going to be an astronaut.

Then you've gotta take them aside eventually, and say,

"Billy, you're not going to be an astronaut."

And they say, "You said that I could do anything I want!"

And I said, "Yeah, but you got to want to be a manager at RadioShack, okay?"

Let's look at this report card here.

There's 12 astronauts. You're not in the top 12.

Gotta be humble with your dreams and aspirations.

The guy that started RadioShack, he was humble.

He could have called it Radio Castle.

That would have made more sense. Right?

Wanna buy electronics in a shack, huh?

You want to buy electronics in a shack, huh? No.

I'm looking right in your fucking eyes. Give me something that, man. No.

Yeah, looking right at you, man. Looking right at you.

No. Yeah. You don't want to buy electronics in a shack.

Yeah, that's what I was saying, that's all I wanted. Just a little acknowledgment.

You know, I'm a human being, you're not watching television.

- [chuckles] - [cheers]

No, we're having fun. We're having fun, I don't...

I don't wanna comment. I don't wanna...

I want you to have a nice time, too. I'm sorry.

When I say "chicken," you say "sandwich."

- Chicken! - [crowd] Sandwich!

Okay, that resets it. I do that...

No, I've been doing standup a while. That resets things. It's good.

The chicken sandwich reset, I call it. [chuckles]

Charlie! You're doing good. Okay. Charlie's doing good.

I think my mom wants me to have a kid. I think she's done bringing it up, though.

Now, she brings it up in weird, subtle ways.

Every time she comes over the house, and Charlie runs up to her,

she'll look at me, she'll look at Charlie, and she'll say,

"Come to Grandma."

Other day, I'm at the house, and my mom's there,

and she's spitting in an envelope. I say, "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm sending our DNA into ancestry.com."

I go, "Why?" "Oh, it'll give us our... our family tree," she says.

I go, "Okay. I don't like that."

She says, "Oh, no, it's cool."

"I mean, you're going to find out who your great grandparents were,

what they did, what your grandparents did, what we did."

"And then it will stop right at you."

I say, "I know what you're doing, Mom, and I don't appreciate it."

Plus, it's an invasion of my privacy. That's my DNA.

I don't want it up in a public database,

She says, "What do you care?"

I say, "I murdered someone in high school and got away with it."

Mom rips up the envelope.

"Okay, I want to send it in then." Mom's got my back.

Thanks, Mom.

But I just think, you know, we're living in this world

where everybody's talking about how our privacy is being stolen from us

in these phones, it's not being stolen from us.

We're giving it away.

Just voluntarily sending our DNA

into a public company to store on the internet.

We're not thinking about the implications of that.

That's an invasion of your privacy. But people just do it. They just do it.

They just send it away, and it is an invasion of your privacy.

And you don't even have to send your DNA in yourself.

Could be a distant relative of yours, someone maybe you've never even met.

They send their DNA in, their DNA is connected to your DNA.

Let's say someday you do have to murder somebody,

and you get away with it.

And now, you got to spend the rest of your life wearing hairnets

and rubber gloves just 'cause Aunt Maggie needed to know she was 3% Pechanga.

[laughs]

And it's great to be able to spend time with my parents

and my brother and my friends and family here.

- [applause] - I, um...

You know...

I wanted to come home,

come home to Canada and spend some time with them before I die.

[chuckles]

No, no. I want to outlive my parents.

Not for me, for them.

I mean, you know...

They say there's nothing worse than losing a child...

unless the child's rich.

That kind of takes the sting out of it.

Although if they lost me, they wouldn't be losing a child.

They'd be losing some old guy.

So maybe it's no big deal.

But I still got a bit of that Freddy Got Fingered money kicking around.

Oh, yeah, I got a little bit.

So if I were to kick it first, it might not be that bad for 'em.

I'd like to see that for them.

I'd like to see my parents living it up in Vegas,

throwing around that Freddy Got Fingered cash.

Probably get a nice room at Circus Circus.

"Hey, Mary Jane, I'm going to order some room service.

I think I'm going to get us a jumbo shrimp cocktail and a couple of whores."

I want that for them.

Richard and Mary Jane Green, ladies and gentlemen.

Give it up for Richard and Mary Jane Green.

Look at them. Come on. Come on. Look right there, folks.

- [applause and cheers] - Look at them, there they are.

The Slutmobile.

You know them from the Slutmobile.

You know them from the painted house.

You know them from being woken up at 4:00 in the morning

on Rogers Community 22, Cable 22.

Thank you, Mom and Dad. I love you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

- [applause] - Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, they still talk to me.

Remember when you were a kid, you could tell who the other kids were,

who were the children of alcoholics.

Based on the ones who carried their marbles to school

in that purple velvet whiskey bag.

Who was the guy that invented the short bus?

What kind of a sick, twisted mind?

"Hey, kids, you're different. We're gonna make your bus different too."

No...

Struck close to home, that one. Did it?

No, I can't believe I'm 53 years old, man.

I can't believe it, I turned 53 July 30th.

I cannot believe it. Charlie, can you believe it?

I'm 53. There's my dog, Charlie.

And we're traveling the world doing stand-up,

and we're having a good time traveling around the world, doing stand-up.

I did a show in Afghanistan for crying out loud.

Yeah, did a show for the Taliban over there.

Yeah. Yep. No, it was for the troops. Come on.

Taliban don't bring in comedy acts. No sense of humor, those guys.

Went to Australia, did stand up. They got a weird sense of humor there.

Every time I go to Australia, some Australian zookeeper walks up to me,

hands me a koala, I'm holding the koala, he says,

"You know, mate, the koala is the number one carrier of chlamydia."

I like the zoo. Do you like the zoo?

Do you like the...? I like going to the zoo. I like the zoo.

I like zoos, like going to the animal prison.

Every city I'm in, every chance I get, I go to the zoo

to see the animals that I love locked up.

Maybe we'd think differently about the ethics of zoos,

if we opened up the human prisons for tourism.

Charge $45 admission, you walk across the catwalk,

put some coins in the machine,

toss a handful of cigarettes out into the yard.

"Look! Look, look, look, they're smoking. They're smoking them."

"They're smoking them."

I'm here. I'm 53 years old. Can't believe it, and...

You know, I'd rather be 53 than 23.

[woman cheers]

Yeah, one other person agrees with that.

Yeah, no, how many people here under the age of 30?

[cheers]

Well, okay, we got a few people. Okay, there you go. That's good.

That's pretty cool, actually. Yeah. So you never know.

When you do a show in the '90s, you go on the road every night,

it could be like a Smash Mouth reunion gig.

It's like an AARP convention.

But we got some young whippersnappers in here tonight.

Raise your hands if you're under 30. Let me see these...

Look at these young folks there, huh?

Yeah, look at that young whippersnapper right there.

Hi. How are you? Hi.

Hi, young fella. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming.

I'd rather be 53 than 23.

I'd rather be old than young. I'd rather be me than you.

You said no. The guy said no. No, I'd rather be 53 than 23.

I'd rather be older than you. I don't got to worry about dying young.

You do. Hey? True.

Can't die young when you're old.

Of course, the downside of death at 53, your death is no longer tragic.

No one ever says, "Oh, it's such a shame, he had 12% of his life left ahead of him."

I'd rather be 53 than 23 for sure. For sure I would.

I remember when I was 23, I was stressed and scared about the future.

You know, so much of your life left ahead of you.

You don't know what's going to happen.

Every single move you make could just lead you further

and further down some horrible path.

But then when you get to my age, you know, it's not stressful

looking forward, because there's so much less of my life left to ruin.

I've basically made it. Of course, I'd rather be old than young.

So don't feel bad about getting older.

It gets way better, better as you get older, for sure.

Yeah, got some pretty old folks here. There's a pretty old guy right there.

You're pretty old, huh? You're a pretty old guy, not bad, not bad.

[laughs] You'd rather be old than young?

Think about it, like tonight after the show.

You had a good time, right? You having a good time, right?

Is this your wife?

Yeah, after the show, you're walking out onto Elgin Street there.

Probably laughing, "That show was funny, huh?

[fake laughs] "That was so funny, right?"

Probably saying something like that. "That was fucking hilarious, huh?"

"He's still got it. He's still got it!"

Probably just something like that, right? Yeah, probably, right? Right?

Probably just something like that.

Having a nice chat, and then, you're not paying attention,

you step out of the Elgin, the OC Transpo bus... [fake groans]

[fake grunts] Like, it's ripped your jaw off.

[slobbering] It's like flapping. [continues grunting]

Your wife's just looking at you, and you're like...

[pained grunts]

Right? Right? You know, something like that.

And your last thoughts are fluttering through your head,

and you'd probably be thinking to yourself,

"Tom was right. I'm glad I'm not 23."

See? See?

Of course, you'd rather be old than young.

[whistles and cheers]

Now take the bus out of the equation. You'd still rather be old than young.

It's the same thing, only you're not dead.

I swear I thought that made sense.

Okay. [chuckles]

Young folks here tonight. This is cool.

- Lots of young folks. [snorts] - [crowd member] Whoo!

It's funny when under 30 is like, "Wow, it's a really young crowd here."

[laughing] Under 30.

It's cool.

Yeah, it must be weird for you. 23 years old, huh?

No, I just made that number up.

- How old are you? - [man] 22.

22, yeah. Okay, good.

It's a magic show, too, yeah. A mentalism act.

Probably got your first cell phone when you were 12.

- [man] Pretty much. - Pretty much, yeah.

There you go. See? Not bad. So you don't know how the world works.

No, I don't want to come...

Just every single human being who ever lived on this planet

since the beginning of time lived their entire life,

their entire adult life, without a cellular telephone.

You'll never live a day as an adult without a cell phone in your pocket.

You reach in there, you got every answer to every question

that you could ever ask, instantly, you don't need to know anything.

You can just type it in. You're the first generation of people

that actually doesn't need to know anything.

You just type it in, right?

I think they got to change the curriculum in schools.

They gotta stop teaching us the answers to stuff,

start teaching us the questions.

Yeah, what do I type in this thing? That's all you need to know.

It wasn't like that back in the day. Oh, yeah.

Every human being in history, they didn't have that.

So they had to think about stuff, like Pythagoras.

He didn't have a cell phone. Winston Churchill?

He didn't have a cell phone. Patrick Swayze?

He didn't have a cell phone. Nobody!

Used to be, we'd go outside. Nobody knew where you fucking...

We wouldn't know where we were, you'd walk around,

you'd be like... you'd look at stuff.

You ever look at stuff? Do you ever go outside and look at stuff?

Like, seriously, though, do you ever look at stuff?

Not your phone, not your phone.

Do you ever wait for the bus? Do you ever wait for the bus?

What do you do when you're waiting for the bus?

What do you do? You look at your phone.

You look at your phone. You go through your TikTok.

You go through your Facebook.

You go through your Instagram, right, when you're at the bus.

You ever look at the ground? We used to look at the ground.

'Cause we didn't have that, right? You pull that aside.

That's the thing below this. It's the ground.

The thing that's holding... It's the ground.

It's called the ground. You ever look at it?

You never look at the ground. We used to look...

We all did. Everybody here knows what I'm talking about.

- [cheers] - Remember that? Yeah, man.

Yeah.

We used to look at the ground, man. Yeah.

There's rocks on the ground.

You ever look at little rocks on the ground?

You ever pick up a little rock at the ground?

Really look at it? Really look at it.

Pythagoras did. You never did.

Winston Churchill. He looked at rocks.

Come on, you take it after... Remember after the rain?

Remember after the rain, when they were glistening, when the dust washes off?

And the sun hits it, huh?

You're missing out on the whole thing, man.

You got to put that phone down.

When you take it home, you put it in a cardboard box.

You ever have a rock collection, no, huh?

You ever have a soggy box of rocks? Because the box would get soggy, right?

Am I right? Yup, yeah. Everybody knows what I'm talking about.

Everybody had a soggy box of rocks at one point.

Come on, you never...

You're missing out on the whole thing, man.

And then the box, it gets soggy,

and then your dad would make you a crate, huh?

Come on, they know!

Then you have a crate of rocks, and then you go off to college,

and you'd forget about it and get a venereal disease.

And life would take twists and turns.

Then, one day, your old crate, a box...

You remember it all, you threw it out.

And then you'll be riddled with guilt for the rest of your life

because you threw out your box of rocks.

Come on. Everyone knows what I'm talking about.

- [cheers] - Everybody knows.

That's the way the world works.

You don't know how the fucking world works, man.

It was better before, we would get bored, we would look around,

and then you come up with stuff. That's the thing.

You don't get bored anymore. You can't get bored.

Just as soon as you start to get bored, you look at your phone,

you're not bored anymore, but it used to be you didn't have that.

So you'd get bored, and you'd have to figure stuff out.

Start doing stuff that you're not supposed to do, you know.

That's what's fun, doing stuff you're not supposed to do because you're bored.

You ever take Pop Rocks, put them in 7Up, see if your stomach will explode?

Huh? Yeah. See, that's how the world works, man.

You ever rip the arm off a Stretch Armstrong? Come on.

Lick that gelatinous goo that oozes from within.

[licks] See? The DOW Chemical goo.

[licks] That's how the world works, man.

You ever reach your hand in a cereal box,

pull out a sticky rubber octopus toy, throw it against the wall...

[cheers]

...watch it start crawling down the wall, limb over limbs?

1986, and you're looking out, going, "Man, the world's getting fucking crazy, man."

Just the right amount of stick.

Ever take Tylenol PM, crush it up,

put it in bread, feed it to the seagulls, watch them die in the air, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They drop like fucking rocks, man.

They drop like fucking rocks, man!

I never did that. [clears throat]

Never did that.

No, just saying, you're missing out on a lot of fun stuff, that's all.

And we don't know what to think anymore.

We don't know what to believe anymore. That's the problem.

Everything is so divided because of these phones.

Because you don't... You get your information, and it's an algorithm.

And the more you look at a certain type of information,

the more your phone will give you that kind of information.

And then the more you get the kind of information that you like,

the more you think you're really smart.

"Oh, look. Oh, I agree with that."

So it gives you all the stuff you agree with,

and you feel smart, and you want to stay on there.

It makes you feel good because you feel smart.

So you pick up the phone more and more because it makes you feel smart,

because it's giving you stuff that you agree with already,

and you just stay on that app, and you're giving all your money

to these billionaire fat cats, making their money off brainwashing you

into looking at their stuff, making you think that you're smart.

Right? But then your other buddy here, he's on a different algorithm.

He's looking at completely different stuff, right?

I have this friend of mine, I hadn't seen him in years.

We used to agree on everything,

and we just ran into each other on the street recently,

and he's a completely different person. He's on a completely different algorithm.

I tell you.

No, it's weird. I ran into this guy. We used to agree on everything.

We start talking about the Tartarian Empire, okay,

about all these beautiful buildings we see down here,

they weren't built by us, you know? They weren't built by us.

They were built by a hidden civilization that we don't know about.

The mud floods came, and we wouldn't even know about this ancient civilization.

You're nodding your head here. Yeah, Yeah.

The nun with the laser beams guy is nodding his head. Right? Yeah.

We wouldn't know about any of this unless Admiral Larry Bird

had gone to Antarctica and went over the ice wall

and talked to the reptilian overlords from the planet Nibiru.

And we find out about the Tartarian... all this stuff.

Right, I'm talking to my buddy, and he doesn't know about any of this shit.

That's the thing, like... Like the guy's a fucking idiot.

You don't know about the Tartarian Empire, unbelievable.

Doesn't know the melting point of steel, doesn't know Building Seven.

I mean, the guy's a fucking idiot.

[chuckles]

You know what I'm talking about.

Uh, you don't know what to believe anymore.

Yeah. I think the division is worse than the stuff that we are divided about.

Okay.

I do. I think that's the bigger problem.

The division itself is worse than any single issue that we're arguing about.

[cheers and applause]

Thought of an idea, next Thanksgiving dinner,

when you go to Thanksgiving dinner,

and your aunt and uncle start arguing about politics,

just pretend you're a goldfish who doesn't vote.

"Pass the cranberry sauce. I'm a cranberry sauce-eating goldfish."

Don't want to get in an argument about politics of things.

And then they get mad.

"You ruined Thanksgiving with that goldfish shit."

"We wanted to ruin Thanksgiving!"

Yeah.

I'm in a weird algorithm.

We've got to put our phones away and stay off them.

I looked at my phone this morning, the screen time,

60 hours, today.

Brainwashing us.

Don't sleep with your phone beside the bed.

Okay? That's not good.

You know, the last two weeks I wake up in the morning, I still do it.

I can't... I tell you, I wake... I'm on TikTok before I'm out of bed.

I'm on social media before I'm out of bed, just scrolling through.

The last two weeks, I've woken up every morning

to Karen's getting arrested and tased.

[yells] "What did I do?" "Stop resisting."

"What did I do?" "Stop resisting."

"Stop..." "What did I do?"

I love it. I love it. I mean...

There is good sides to every coin.

Yeah. You don't know what to believe anymore.

Negative information spreads faster than positive information, too.

That's the problem. Because it's fun to repeat stuff that's negative,

especially if it's about somebody famous, it's fun to just run and tell everybody.

And the most negative thing that you could hear,

even if it's not true, it's fun to just repeat it.

Yeah. Diddy...

I think he did.

Danny Masterson's not getting out till he's 70.

[man] Yup.

The good news is they'll bring back That '70s Show.

Okay, so...

So stupid, it's just a dumb thing. Just a dumb joke.

It's all right. It's fine. He won't hear it.

[laughs]

Hmm, okay.

Like I said, people like spreading negative information.

It didn't used to be like that. It didn't used to be like that.

I mean, with people, there's always been rumors,

but not like hundreds of rumors a day.

Every day, you read something about someone, and then you tell ten friends

because you want to be the first person to tell your friends

something about someone.

But back in the day, it wasn't like that. There'd be rumors, but...

Like I remember the first rumor I heard,

I remember, right here, growing up as a kid in Ottawa,

came in to school at Robert Hopkins Public School, came into the schoolyard.

All the kids were talking.

There'd been a big concert over the weekend at the Super X, okay?

One of the biggest musicians in the world had just performed in Ottawa,

and they were all talking about it. I'm in grade three,

and I don't want to say this musician's name or anything,

but they're all talking, they're saying last night after the concert,

so and so, he got admitted to the hospital.

They had to pump 18 liters of come out of his stomach.

Just what they said, I don't know.

I mean, does anyone remember this rumor?

Who was it?

- Who? - [crowd] Rod Stewart.

Rod Stewart, okay, I wasn't going to bring it up, but...

I don't want to spread rumors or anything, but yeah.

Rod Stewart. Right, sure. It was Rod Stewart.

I don't want to spread rumors. You said it, Rod Stewart, right?

I mean, I'm in grade three.

I don't know who Rod Stewart is. I don't even know what come is, right?

But I ran around telling everybody, "Hey, hear about Rod Stewart?"

"Yeah, the guy that pumped 18 liters of come out of his stomach."

I'm telling everybody.

And that rumor spread worldwide.

I know because I've been telling this story all over the world.

And they yell "Rod Stewart" in Hobart, Indiana, in Philadelphia,

in Singapore, they yell, "Rod Stewart!"

Whenever I mentioned that come stomach pumping story.

Yes. That's what I chose to talk about at the NAC tonight.

Okay. [clears throat]

Oh, but this was before the internet.

And that rumor still spread worldwide. How does that happen?

Word of mouth. People just like to talk. Negative information spreads fast.

I mean, somebody probably had to pick up their phone,

call their Aunt Maggie down in Philadelphia.

"Hey, Aunt Maggie, I got some bad news. You know, it's Tom up here in Ottawa."

"I know you're a big Rod Stewart fan."

"Yeah, last night after the concert, they had to pump 18 liters of jizz

out of his stomach, Aunt Maggie, It sounds unbelievable."

"Liters. That's like gallons, we're metric up here."

"I, uh, yeah, yeah."

"We measure our rock stars' stomach come pumps in liters."

"Aunt Maggie? Aunt Maggie?"

"Aunt Maggie?"

Okay, so... [laughs]

I'm just saying people like spreading rumors, that's all.

Like a few years later, another rumor.

I don't want to bring it up, who it was, but...

A few years later, another rumor comes out

about one of the biggest movie stars in the world.

Okay, I don't want to mention his name, but my friend calls me up.

It's like a couple of years after the Rod Stewart one.

He tells me, "Hey, last night, so-and-so got admitted to the hospital."

"They had to remove a gerbil from his anus."

Yeah. I was like, "What?" Did anyone hear about this?

[crowd] Richard Gere!

Yeah, I'm not saying it, but like, yeah, yeah.

Richard Gere. Yeah, Richard Gere. Yeah, everybody heard it.

I don't wanna spread the rumor, but I mean, everybody already heard it, right?

Richard Gere, apparently had a gerbil removed out of his anus.

It's not true. It's not true.

He didn't have a gerbil removed out of his anus,

but everybody heard it all around the world.

I remember being a kid. I'm like in the grade six or something like that.

"He what?" I'm like, "What? How, how, why?"

I had so many questions. I didn't know about sex.

You know, my buddy said, "It's like a sex thing."

"What?" "Oh, yeah. They stick a toilet tube up there,

and the gerbil goes up, and then you pull it out fast."

"It gets stuck in there. It goes like this..."

"It feels really good." I say...

"I'm going to the pet shop," you know.

"I'm going to Zeller's!" Okay...

Let me tell you, I racked up a few Club Z points there,

I tell you, that's for sure, huh?

A little Club Z point joke in 2024 for the...

There you go. Oh, yeah, hi! Anyways...

I'm just saying.

I'm just saying these phones are messed up.

That's all I'm saying.

These phones are completely messed up.

You know, spreading rumors

about people constantly... hundred times more than it was before.

I mean, and people are willing to believe everything, anything and everything.

People are willing to believe anything, and I think that story is proof of it.

Richard Gere was the biggest movie star in the world.

Everybody loved him, but people believed that.

The most outrageous thing. Imagine being Richard Gere,

things are going pretty good.

Pretty Woman just came out. You're at a deli on Sepulveda, you know.

You're at a deli in Los Angeles.

You overhear somebody say, "What? What? What?"

Surely, that rumor is going to die down. No, it didn't. No.

Had to go on Entertainment Tonight and deny it.

It always makes it worse.

"Hey, Mary, sorry to be here under these circumstances.

I wish I could be here to promote my movie Pretty Woman,

but no, there's this rumor going around

about a gerbil in my anus, and I'd just like to set the record straight.

It's disgusting. I would never do such a thing.

It's a hamster, man. It was a hamster, come on. It was sick.

The same people are willing to believe anything if they believe that.

The biggest movie star in the world,

and we'll believe the most outrageous thing.

That'd be the modern day equivalent of the Rock

getting accused of having a groundhog up his butt, you know.

Like, I'm adjusting for scale, of course.

I mean, I'm not saying the Rock has a giant asshole, but...

[laughs]

It's got to be bigger than Richard Gere's. That's all...

I can't put this in...

I can't... I can't put this in the special.

This is not... This doesn't make any sense.

When I say, "Chicken," you say, "Sandwich."

- Chicken! - [crowd] Sandwich!

That resets it. We're fine. Everything's fine.

Everything's fine. You down with all OPP?

- [crowd] Yeah, you know me! - Yeah, we're old for sure.

Would you look at that? There's a piano.

Maybe I could do "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?" live.

Hmm... No, really.

Really...

I don't know if I've ever done "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?" live before.

But should I do "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?" live?

Huh? Wow.

Never even... Just thought of that right now. Wow.

Watch that microphone for...

You see, when I made Freddy Got Fingered...

Oh, sorry. You were doing so good. Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie. You want to play the piano? Here, you want to play?

I've been teaching Charlie to play the piano.

Charlie, come here, jump up.

It's all right, it's just a thousand people.

Charlie, come here, play the piano.

Let's play "Daddy Would Like Some Sausage."

Come here.

♪ Daddy, would you like some...? ♪ Nope, Charlie, come. Come, come.

Jump up, over here. Jump up, yep. There you go. Right there, this way.

It's okay, she's good, jump up.

- Play the piano, play it. - [crowd] Aw! [applause]

Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a low budget Ringling Brothers.

Play the piano, Charlie, play it. Play "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?"

Play it, play it.

Yeah.

[applause and whistles]

Good girl.

Good girl.

Oh, look, there's a top hat. Somebody left a top hat here.

I love the National Arts Center.

You never know when there's a top hat lying around.

[plays piano]

Hi, Charlie. Yeah.

Yeah, I started trying to learn how to play the piano

during the worldwide global pandemic.

I would stream on Instagram.

Often till, like, 3:00 in the morning.

Then sometimes I would fall asleep in a puddle of my own drool on the livestream.

You were there, anyone there? And then...

I didn't play piano before the COVID, and I still don't.

But... I wrote this song about my top hat.

I wrote a song about my top hat.

[continues playing piano]

"Top Hat Song."

This is going to give "Daddy, Would You Like Some Sausage?"

a run for its money, okay? Here we go.

♪ I'm going to wear my top hat ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ I'm going to wear my top hat don't care what people say ♪

♪ I'm going to wear my top hat shopping in the mall ♪

♪ I don't care if it's out of style it makes me feel six feet tall ♪

♪ Going to wear my top hat every day like it's 1849 ♪

♪ Gonna wear my top hat in the rain the snow and the sunshine ♪

♪ Going to wear my top hat in New York City ♪

♪ And all around the world ♪

♪ Nobody's ever going to take my top hat away ♪

♪ Nobody's ever going to take my top hat away ♪

♪ Nobody's ever going to take my top hat away ♪

♪ No way ♪

♪ No way ♪

♪ And nobody told you life ain't fair ♪

♪ Then one day you got pulled out the chair ♪

♪ Funny how it wouldn't matter if you didn't care ♪

♪ Funny how it wouldn't matter if you didn't care ♪

[violin begins playing]

[cheers and applause]

♪ Gonna wear my top hat every single day ♪

♪ Gonna wear my top hat I don't care what people say ♪

♪ Gonna wear my top hat shopping in the mall ♪

♪ Don't care if it's out of style it makes me feel six feet tall ♪

[begins solo]

[whistles and applause]

[continues playing solo]

[crowd cheering with applause]

[crowd cheering]

- Is Charlie still here? - [crowd] Yes!

Sorry, I'm losing my mind here. Charlie, where are you?

[cheers and applause]

That was The Tom Green Show theme song.

I wrote that. I wrote that in my parent's basement.

Oh, there you are, Charlie. There you are.

Yeah. ♪ This is The Tom Green Show ♪

♪ It's not The Green Tom Show ♪

♪ This is my favorite show ♪

- ♪ Because it is my show ♪ - [clapping in rhythm]

♪ If this was your show you'd probably like it more than I did ♪

- Here. [chuckles] - [applause]

Yeah. No, this is great. This is great to be here.

Thanks for letting me play the piano, National Art Center.

I think I broke it.

This is the theme song to...

the new show, Tom Green Country.

♪ Heading home to the country ♪

♪ To a place I've always been ♪

♪ Goodbye, California and all them things I've seen ♪

[clapping in rhythm]

♪ Going back to Canada to live my American dream ♪

♪ On a hundred acres where the grass is always green ♪

♪ Got me a mule named Fanny ♪

♪ She's a funny gal ♪

♪ Knows all your secrets ♪

♪ She will never tell ♪

♪ Can't live forever so tonight, let's give 'em hell ♪

♪ Let's give 'em hell ♪

♪ I'll never tell ♪

♪ I'll never tell in the morning ♪

♪ About last night when we were rolling in the hay ♪

Faster.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ I'll never tell in the morning about last night ♪

♪ When I told you it's okay ♪

♪ It's going to be okay ♪

♪ Spend the night with me ♪

♪ Won't you spend the night with me? ♪

♪ Heading home to the country ♪

♪ To a place I've always been ♪

♪ Goodbye, California and all them things I've seen ♪

♪ Going back to Canada to live my American dream ♪

♪ On a hundred acres where the grass is always green ♪

[applause]

Thank you, all right. That was fun.

♪ Bright lights, fade out ♪

♪ Had a blast going up ♪

♪ Nearly died coming down ♪

♪ Good friends ♪

♪ Good times ♪

♪ Don't last forever ♪

♪ Except in our minds ♪

♪ Someday, I will return ♪

♪ Flipped everything upside down ♪

♪ Just to watch it burn ♪

♪ And you know me ♪

♪ From back in the day ♪

♪ Ain't it funny how everything could change? ♪

♪ And I went down to that old covered bridge ♪

♪ And jumped into the river how we used to do ♪

♪ Got swept away ♪

♪ Never seen you since ♪

♪ I guess I lived my life how I was supposed to do ♪

♪ Hey, you know me ♪

♪ From back in the day ♪

♪ Ain't it funny how everything could change? ♪

♪ And you know me ♪

♪ From back in the day ♪

♪ Ain't it funny how everything could change? ♪

[music continues]

♪ 500 miles to New Mexico ♪

♪ 500 more, I'm coming home ♪

♪ Took a pit stop down in old Chaco ♪

♪ Pay my respect to the Navajo ♪

♪ Yeah, that's me coming down the old gravel driveway ♪

♪ I can already smell Mom's apple pie ♪

♪ And I know it's been a long time since I went away ♪

♪ Now that you ask, I can't remember why ♪

♪ Bright lights ♪

♪ Fade out ♪

♪ Had a blast going up ♪

♪ Nearly died coming down ♪

♪ Good friends, good times ♪

♪ Don't last forever ♪

♪ Except in our minds ♪

♪ Someday, I will return ♪

♪ Flipped everything upside down ♪

♪ Just to watch it burn ♪

♪ And you know me ♪

♪ From back in the day ♪

♪ Ain't it funny how everything can change? ♪

♪ Still remain the same ♪

- Thank you. - [applause]

Thank you, Ottawa. I love you guys. Goodnight, everybody.

[cheering and whistling]

Give it up for Charlie.

- A one, two, three, four. - [rock music playing]

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