Original subtitles

- Subtitles - Luís Filipe Bernardes

You're still quite sure that you don't want me to take your hat, sir?

No, no, if I take it off, I'm afraid my head will come with it.

Where is the groom?

Oh.

Oh.

- Oooh! - Oh, yourself.

Hello.

Good morning, Mr. Bainbridge, it's Dorothy Madison.

Lovely day for your wedding.

Oh, I feel awful. What'll I do?

You'll find a bottle on your night table.

Now, you follow instructions and you'll feel much better.

Thank you, darling.

What are you... what are you doing? What are you looking for?

- A bottle. - She said it was there.

And it must be there if she said it was there.

Here, what's this?

- Oh, Scoot, don't be funny. - Is this... is this the bottle?

Does it say "From the desk of Dorothy Madison"?

Yes, "From the desk of Dorothy Madison", yes.

Who's Dorothy Madison, is she a chemist?

She's everything.

Nurse, secretary, geologist, atronomer. Just anything you want her to be.

But we must have a lounge for four for every Thursday.

Price is no object.

This is Miss Madison, account 462.

Buy 1000 American Can and sell 500 US Steel. Thank you.

This is Miss Madison.

Now, Mrs. Davenport, why don't you wear that sea-green gown with the topaz necklace?

Miss Madison two.

Radio from Mr. Wade, he'll be in on the Gigantic.

I hope it sinks, but don't tell Miss Murphy.

- Is Murphy in yet? - It isn't quite 9:30.

- Good Morning, Miss Murphy. - Good morning, Johnny.

- And we cannot recommend Weedie-beedie... - Beedie-weedie.

Well, what ever they are.

- Good morning, Mary. - Good morning.

...to our clients until they pass the most stringent tests, you're very truly.

Now let's see.

American Consulate, Cairo, Egypt.

Thank you so much for your cordial treatment of Mr. and Mrs. Pendergrass

I, um, personally appreciate your loaning them a camel.

Yours very truly.

- Good morning, Murph. - Hi, Pearl. What's new?

Well, Bainbridge has had his shower.

Good! Check on him every half hour till the ceremony.

Madison 5 wants to see you.

This is Miss Madison.

Did you want me?

Oh, yes, Miss Murphy, Mrs. Lyman called from Cherbourg, she's lost her passport.

Call Washington and get me Freddie Boyd at the State Department.

Miss Murphy, Jimmy Phelps Jr. has been expelled from Harvard.

He's afraid to tell his father.

Get me Jimmy Phelps Sr.

- Miss Murphy. - Yes?

Mrs. Fairmont's lost her diamond necklace again.

Tell her to look in her wig, it always gets stuck there when she takes it off.

- Nice quiet morning. - You ain't even started yet, dearie.

Mary, my black dress and the topaz bracelet.

Outside of the Bainbridge wedding,

John Carroll Rector at Carnegie Hall,

a musicale at Mrs. Barker's, dinner for 30 at the Surreys,

lightweight championship fight at the Garden.

- You practically got the day to yourself. - You may think I'm crazy, but I love it.

Now then, Mr. Bainbridge, let's look at you.

- Comb, please. - Comb?

Fresh flower.

- How do you feel? - Sick.

Oh, medicine special.

Er, Miss Madison... I don't feel any too well either.

Well, then we'll make it two.

Thank you, thank you so much. Well...

- Here you are. - Yes, yes... here we are.

Here we are.

Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

Miss Madison, do you think you might consider taking me as a client?

Oh, now, Scoot, this is my wedding.

Stand up straight, Mr. Bainbridge. I'd be glad to, Mr. Robinson.

Oh, thank you so much. You know, she might be able to do something for Audrey.

- Audrey? - Oh. no, Miss Madison,

you don't know what you might be getting into.

- Why? - She'd wreck your whole service.

She's the most feather-brained, disobedient girl you ever saw.

- Yes? - She takes after her father.

Is that so? Well, if you have a daughter, I hope she'll take after you.

- Well, what's the matter with me? - You should know what's the matter with you.

I don't think there should be any argument, I'm certain I can handle Audrey.

Oh, thank you so much, thank you.

Um, Miss Madison, I need a little attention myself.

Do you suppose that you could get me a good cook?

Oh, undoubtedly.

Now, Scoot, have a heart, this is my wedding!

I don't mean just a good cook, Miss Madison, I mean a superb cook.

- Oh, Scoot! - Oh, your cue, Mr. Bainbridge.

- Wait a minute... - Chin up, eyes forward.

It'll be over in a jiffy.

What I mean is a cook who can tell the difference between a hollandaise sauce...

...and a boiled dressing, you know what I mean?

- The ring. - The ring, yes, yes, I have the ring.

- There we are, right there. - Fine.

Do you Chester Bainbridge take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do.

And do you Lily Wilson take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Goodbye!

Here you are, Mr. Bainbridge, here's everything,

your passport and your tickets, and you've got a cabin on A deck,

and I know you're going to be happy.

But what am I going to do once I get on the boat?

Well, Mr. Bainbridge, from now on you're on your own.

Let'er go!

Goodbye! Goodbye!

Bon voyage!

- Uh-huh! - Hm-hmm.

I assume, Mr. Robinson, that you desire to become not cook but a chef suprême.

Absolutely, Bebenko, what this world needs most is a good cookbook.

And I with your help am going to compile one.

Then pay attention. Are you ready?

Yes, quite, quite.

- Ah, but that is the wrong answer. - Why?

Because no good cook is ever quite ready.

There are so many little things to do.

A dash of this, and a sprinkle of that,

another second on the fire.

But when the human animal screams for his food...

...we must give it to him whether we are ready or not!

- Now, you are ready? - Yes, er... no!

I mean, that is... not quite.

- Ah, good. Then start stirring. - Yes, start stirring.

Not quite ready, chef, go.

One, two, three, four, five,

Don't you have to count too?

Now, the spirit Mavshovski is counting for me.

- Who? - Silence!

Mavshovski is my spirit control.

He is always right here with me over my shoulder.

- Hm? - When I'm cooking.

Oh, yes, yes.

He is my master.

As every epicure should know,

Mavshovski was the imperial chef to the little white father.

The mad tzar Paul I.

Emperor of all the Russias.

Mavshovski killed himself in the battle of Nizhny Novgorod...

...because the herring smelt.

Oh, that's awful!

( mumbling in Russian )

Yes, master.

- Proceed. - Uh... yes, master.

8,9,10,11,12,13...

14,15,16,17,18...

19,20,21,21,22...

- ...this morning. - But you're bald.

If I may say so, miss, my slight baldness has never interfered with my buttling.

- Where's my father? - In the library, miss.

I should say, the laboratory... I mean, his kitchen.

Excuse me, miss, but I have never seen a kitchen in a library before.

I feel rather confused.

Well, you look confused.

But finding Mr. Robinson, the famous engineer and bridge-builder...

indulging in cooking and the kitchen in the library...

- You haven't seen anything yet. - No, it seems that I haven't.

90,91,92,93...

- Dad! - Quiet. 94, 95...

- Now look here... - 97...

Spirit Mavshovski tells me your sauce is going to curdle.

Oh, Daddy...

Audrey, how many times have I told you not to barge in here while I'm working?

But then you shouldn't have fired Thompson.

He was so good-looking.

And you shouldn't have asked him to marry you.

Besides, I didn't fire him, Madison Service fired him. Go find it out with them.

101,102...

If you think I'm going to stand for that bunch of interfering,

snoopy females firing every attractive man that ever worked in this house...

Except me.

If you think I'm going to have them run my life...

...and tell me when to come in out of the rain.

That's enough!

Oh, Audrey, please, dear...

Spirit Mavshovski tells me your sauce is going to curdle.

Audrey, Audrey, listen, dear. Don't be unreasonable.

I have a contract with Madison Service for life...

...and I'm very happy about the whole thing.

They've taken you out of my hair,

and they've sent me Bebenko and his spirits...

...and at last I can devote all of my time to my cooking.

At least sometimes...

Now look here. Now, you run down there and get your allowance...

...and in the future tell all your troubles to Madison Service.

Now that's a good girl, goodbye.

- Ooh! - Yes, thank you, dear.

Thank you, goodbye, goodbye.

Phony tears, Audrey, will get you nowhere. And they simply ruin your looks.

Here, take your allowance and go.

I won't! I won't, I won't!

I won't be treated like a child without a mind of my own.

Very well, I'll destroy the check.

- We'll skip this month. - Oh, no you don't!

If this place ever burns down, you'll know who did it.

It's her quiet charm that gets you.

Take that, will you? If I hear another complaint, I'll scream!

Oh, so you've stopped whistling while you work, eh?

Madison 2 speaking. - I want to speak to Madison 1.

Madison 1?

Murph.

All right, scream if you want to, and lose a client.

Hello? Yes, Mr. Wade.

How are your naughty little ulcers this morning?

Better, I hope?

Your nephew? Which one?

Robert Wade. Known as Bob.

They named him after me hoping they'd come into my money.

He's leaving on the boat from Albany tonight.

To descend upon me, to pester me!

And I won't have it, you hear? I won't have it!

Now, you fly up right away and catch that boat,

and push that yokel overboard if necessary!

Leave my name out of it, but he's not to come into New York.

Do you hear? I say, do you hear?

He wants to know if I hear.

Yes, Mr. Wade, I'll leave at once.

Oh, no trouble at all. Thank you.

I wish I'd never had a client!

I wish I'd never started this service!

I wish I was in a padded cell!

A thousand miles from a telephone!

Oh, if only I could have a nervous breakdown!

Well, you're doing fine.

If I ever met anyone with a mind of his own, I'd faint of sheer rapture!

If I ever met a man who could take care of himself, I'd die of delight!

I'm so sick of running other people's lives for them,

that I'd welcome a caveman who'd knock me over the head and drag me out by the hair.

Murphy, Murphy!

If you knew how near the ragged edge I am.

Save your breath, Murph, you're just tired.

What you need is a day away from here,

even that trip to Albany is going to do you good.

Yeah... the mere idea of it fills me with joy.

Well...

Here I go throw a man overboard.

A yokel by the name of Robert Wade with hay in his hair.

Madison 2 speaking.

Bob Wade not going yet?

He'll be out as soon as his aunts quit fussing over him.

Poor fellow. He's certainly been knee-deep in women ever since he first saw daylight.

Grab your coat, Bob, darling. You're going to be a great success.

Oh, Bob! Bob! Here's your lunch. Now don't lose it.

- The food on those boats isn't fit to eat. - No, I won't. Thanks, Aunt Libby.

Bob, darling, here's $187 I saved extra for you.

I'm going to pin it in the inside pocket of your coat.

- Why, you needn't pin it, Aunt Sarah. - Oh, it's so much safer that way.

Thanks, Aunt Sarah.

Oh, Bob, you packed the muffler I made you?

Yes, I packed the muffler, thank you.

And remember, Bob, what I told you about the drinking water, won't you?

Yes, I will, thanks, Aunt Mary.

I put a jar of my dill pickles in your suitcase.

You can't get dills like mine in the city.

- I hope it doesn't leak, Aunt Addie. - Oh, no, not the way I seal my dills.

- Come on, Bob. - Goodbye, dear.

- Have a safe trip. - Good morning, boys.

- Goodbye and good luck, Bob. - Thank you.

Land safely... and take good care of the blueprints.

Oh, they're safe in this, Aunt Sarah.

We're counting on you, Bob, and your three-way tractor.

If you put it across, you'll save our lives.

You mean he'll save our farms.

You can count on me, boys, I'll put it over.

And when you get to New York, go right to your uncle Robert.

He's expecting you.

Quit gabbing, you women, he ain't got much time.

Well, go ahead, who's keeping you?

Goodbye, darling.

- You like pickles? - Uh-huh.

- Hungry? - Hm-hmm.

Here's a nice cold lunch for you.

Here, and you might as well have this too.

Gosh!

Could you tell me if there a Mr. Robert Wade on board?

We don't have a passenger list on these boats, miss. It's a short trip and...

- Well, he's on board. - Is that so?

Yes, would you have him paged for me?

Oh, well, we don't do that either.

Oh... thanks so much. I'll find him myself.

Bob?

Bob!

Bob.

Bob.

Bob.

- Oh... what is our next stop, please? - The next stop is Hudson, Miss.

- And how long do we stay there? - Just ten minutes, miss.

I see, thank you.

Bob.

You're going to New York, aren't you?

- Uh-huh. - I knew it.

- I've been sent to warn you. - Who sent you?

A friend.

Oh, now, do I look like the kind of a person you can't trust?

No. But who are you?

Dorothy Madison Service.

Private detectives.

Gosh.

You must go back. You must never arrive in New York if you want to live.

- Me? - Yes, you.

You've heard about the gangsters in the big town, haven't you?

Uh-huh.

And how for a price they put you on the spot?

- Uh-huh. - Well, um...

"Booby Face" Wilson has been hired to get you.

- Who hired him? - Shh.

I don't dare mention his name for fear they'll get me too.

If you're a smart boy, I know you are,

you'll skip off this boat at Hudson and go right back where you came from.

Thanks!

Hudson! Hudson! All ashore for Hudson.

Oh, excuse me.

Say!

What's the big idea?

- Were you talking to me? - Look.

Just look, that's all I want you to do.

Is that your hat?

That was my hat. You knocked it off with that thing.

- Oh, I'm very sorry. - Oh.

Well, I guess there's only one thing for me to do.

- Well, that's a great help. - Doesn't it make us even?

Even?

Mine was an original Lili Lachais from Paris.

Well, mine was an original Knobby Shop from Schenectady.

Oh.

Well... if that doesn't make us even...

Oh, no... don't be silly.

You look much nicer without it anyway.

I can't stand the hats women wear nowadays.

Oh, you can't. Isn't that too bad?

Well, I have another one in my cabin, thank goodness.

No, don't put it on, I 'd rather you wouldn't.

- You'd rather? - Yes.

Well!

Since I can't go down after my hat, what may I do, please?

Hm, you can come and sit down and talk to me.

- Oh, just like that. - Yes, just like that.

This is a good place.

Oh, no, let's sit over there, it's less blowy.

No, let's sit here, I like it blowy.

Come on, sit down.

Yes, sir.

- Don't let me forget that. - No, sir.

- What is it? - Oh, blueprints of my tractor.

Oh, I just love tractors.

You're just making conversation.

Say, um... what's your name?

Helen Murphy.

I like Helen.

Oh, that's good. Then I won't have to change it.

If you did, I couldn't find you when I get to New York.

Address and telephone number, please.

344 East...

- Now why am I doing this? - East what?

East 60th. Trafalgar 89723.

I'll call you. We'll have dinner together.

Is that a statement or a question?

- Say, let's have dinner now. - Oh, it's too early to have dinner now.

Oh, nothing wrong with having dinner early.

Supposing I say no. Think carefully before you answer.

The minute I stepped on this boat, I stopped being bossed by women.

Come on.

Yes, sir.

You see, ever since I was a kid, I've been practically surrounded by women.

A bunch of elderly aunts. Oh, they're nice people all right, but...

Well, they just couldn't let me alone.

Gave me a sort of phobia about being bossed.

That's what I liked about you right away.

You struck me as being little and sort of helpless.

You haven't known me very long.

Oh, but I knew right away that you weren't the bossy type.

I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you now if I thought you were.

It is nice out here, isn't it?

Yes, and I can tell just by looking at you that you're not a career girl either.

Oh, you're cold. Let me put this around your throat.

- No, I'm not cold really. - Then why did you shiver?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

It's late. I think maybe you'd better be going down to bed.

Oh, but I'm not sleepy.

Maybe you'd better go anyway.

Good night, Helen.

- Oh, but I... - Run along now.

- Good night, boss. - Good night.

Good morning, everybody!

- Good morning, Murph. - Spring is here!

Miss Murphy, Miss Lyman called from Port Said.

- She's lost her passport again. - Such marvelous weather.

Miss Murphy, Phelps Jr. didn't graduate.

What is so rare as a day in June? Isn't that right, Pearl?

Something she ate, no doubt.

Now, Murph, come on. Tell me what's this all about?

You know, I don't like this hat much either.

Hey, wait a minute!

You're slap-happy if you ask me.

Slap-happy! That's just the word for it.

Was I slapped down, and did I love it!

Listen, Murph,

before I go crazy too, would you mind telling me what this is all about?

It's about a man. Tall and handsome and.. Oh, Pearl! He's got a mind of his own.

What do I do now, run up a flag?

Oh, no, I've already done that, a nice white one.

Where I surrender on it and go.

What is this marvel's name?

I don't know. But he'll call me.

Hm? Oh, another client for Madison Service.

No! Never!

Over my dead body will the Madison Service ever get him in its clutches.

I gave him my private number so he won't know the awful side of me.

Pearl, he doesn't know I'm a career girl.

He thinks I'm a homebody with private means.

Pearl, he thinks I'm little and sort of helpless.

Hm, sounds like a case of when freak meets freak.

So, before I quite float out of the window,

I think I'll go down and buy myself a hat that he likes.

Your phone is ringing... or is that the voice of spring?

Hark, hark, the lark at heaven's gate sings. Hello?

I won't have it, you hear? I won't have it!

Ah, your lark has a frog in it's throat.

You sent him here?

But that's impossible, Mr. Wade.

I contacted your nephew on the boat from Albany...

...and personally saw him get off at Hudson.

Take that, will you?

Who's waiting for Madison 1?

I assure you, Mr. Wade, I spoke to him myself.

- Mr. Robert Wade? - He was exactly as you decribed him,

except for the hay in his hair.

Mr. Wade's nephew is in the reception room.

But he can't be!

Uh, but he can't be.

All right, I'll look into it and call you back.

Pearl, there's some mistake. He can't be here.

But he is.

Pearl, take a look in the reception room and see if I'm crazy.

The Wade nephew, the yokel with sandy hair, buck teeth,

freckles and a suit four sizes too small for him.

What's the matter, don't you trust your rose-colored glasses?

- Hm-hmm, there's a man. - Well?

He's about 6'2'', kind of dark, handsome,

...and has a long cylinder thing under his arm.

What!!!

Take a look for yourself.

- Now what's the matter? - It's him.

- The spirit of spring? - The man on the boat.

My, my, what a small world.

Seems to me the situation calls for action.

- What'll I do? - Well, he's calling for Madison 1, remember?

Pearl. You've got to be me.

Go out there and get rid of him. He mustn't come back.

Tell him... well... Tell him his uncle says nothing doing.

- What, cold-shoulder your dream man? - He doesn't need anybody's help.

The Madison Service is not to ruin him.

He'll get on.

- He's got what it takes. - Yecch!

Pearl.

O wish I'd brought my bow and arrow.

Good morning, I'm Miss Madison.

Of course you know what an irascible old gentleman your uncle is.

- You mean he doesn't want to see me. - Exactly.

Well, it wasn't my idea to see my uncle, it wasn't my idea to come here.

I'm glad he doesn't want to see me because then I don't have to see him.

So it leaves me free to do exactly as I please.

And I won't be needing this either.

Well? Isn't he colossal? Did you sense the same...

Order two Velreeta Shaving Cream.

Oh, what an awful name.

Velreeta. Sounds like a bad Spanish song.

# Velreeta, Velreeta... #

# Oh how can I meet her? #

You know, people have been hired for less than that.

# She had such small feet-a # # I never could beat her #

A dollar thrity-nine, sir.

Hold everything, I've got it.

Thank you. Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- Oh, just looking for my lipstick. - No, you've got enough on.

All right, then, don't beat me.

- It's a swell night, I'll walk you home. - Right through the park, eh?

You know, Helen, I've been wondering.

About what?

Oh, because I've been here five weeks and haven't gotten anywhere.

Helen, I know that three-way tractor of mine is good.

It's new, it's revolutionary, it's cheap to manufacture, it'll sell like wildfire.

I know it will.

Yeah, but try and get anybody in this place to see it.

Oh, someone will see it, don't you worry.

- You're not beaten yet. - I'm not so sure.

I've practically decided to give up and go home tomorrow.

Go?

Oh, Bob.

Well, if it hadn't been for seeing you every night, I'd have gone a week ago.

Well, I'll still see you every night.

I'm afraid you'll get awfully tired of chocolate sodas.

Well, I can always switch to vanilla.

You're not the vanilla type.

You're the kind of girl that was made for yachts, champagne and swizzle sticks.

Well, I'll take you and root beer.

Now, seriously, Helen,

Why should I stay in New York? The place is full of delusions and heartbreak.

Heartbreak, perhaps, but miracles too, don't forget that.

Sorry. I'm afraid I can't believe the miracle part.

Come on.

Yes, Mrs. Dawson. That'll be attended to first thing in the morning.

Oh, yes.

All right.

Good night.

Hello, Stella.

Why, Miss Murphy, what brings you here this hour of the night?

Oh... I came here to think.

The place where I make up so many people's minds for them,

ought to make me make up my own.

Don't you feel well, Miss Murphy?

My health's all right. It's my mind that's a little weak.

Look, Stella, I want to be alone for a few minutes.

You run out and buy yourself a cold drink or something. I'll take over.

It's been pretty quiet.

Mrs. Dodson phoned. She wants to change her opera box from Friday night to Tuesday.

Stella, if there's anything in the world that leaves me cold at this minute...

...it's Mrs. Dodson and her blinking box.

Yes, Miss Murphy.

Wickersham 20270, please.

Hello, Mr. Robinson? - Yes, you're right, this is Miss Madison.

Yes, Miss Madison, yes, yes.

If I could take two tea-spoons full of baking soda and the yolk of three eggs...

The last time I found Audrey for you, you promised to do something for me, remember?

Well, I'm going to take you up on it right now.

I want you to call a man about an invention... this minute

If he had a cook book, I'd be interested.

Yeah.

All right, all right, if you say so.

Yes, I know, I know, you're always right.

Yes, what's his number, I'll call him.

Wickersham 2...

Yeah, I'll call him right away.

And make an appointment with him first thing in the morning?

All right, all right. Good night, Miss Madison, good night.

Here I am in the middle of an omelette and she worries me about a cracker.

My goodness' sake...

Be sure to remember, Jason, I'm not in to Mr. Edward.

You can tell him I've gone to Bermuda. But if Mr. Paul calls,

tell him he can reach me at Bergdorf Goodman's in the customs department.

- You got that? - Yes, miss.

And if Mr. Oscar calls, tell him I'll go to dinner with him...

...on condition we go to that little place in Brooklyn with the skeleton.

And tell Father...

Oh... that'll be all, Jason.

Yes, miss.

- Hello. - Hello.

I hope I didn't disturb you.

No, I'm all right, thanks.

- Are you waiting for someone? - Yes, Mr. Robinson, he lives here.

Oh, yes, I know he does, I'm his daughter. How do you do?

How do you do?

Wouldn't you like to wait upstairs in my sitting room?

If you like music, I have a wonderful collection of Beethoven records.

If you don't mind, I think I'll wait here.

They told me I had just exactly seventeen and a half minutes.

At that rate I figure I've about 38 seconds to go

Oh, that's because he's cooking.

You mean he's cooking? But I thought he was an engineer.

Oh, no, engineering is only his hobby, he's really a cook.

Yes, but he told me he wanted to see the plans of my tractor.

Jason! Jason!

Audrey, I'm so glad you're here. I've done it, I've done it!

It is not necessary to lose dignity.

Yes, hurry up on in, it must be eaten immediately, you see?

Go on... Oh, you can come in too.

Who are you? Oh, you're from the Madison Service.

How do you do, how do you do? Come on in, you can have some too.

Come on in, come on in, Jason. You stand right over there, will you please?

Hurry up, Jason, hurry up.

Now here's the idea.

We have each made one of these, um, um, um...

- What do you call 'em? - Varenikes Nalysnyky garnie à la Barovsk.

Yes, yes... we've each made one of those.

Now, we won't tell you whose is whose, you see?

But we want you to taste and judge for yourself which is the best.

Now, Audrey, you start it, will you, please?

Now taste the other.

- Well? - That one.

Ah!

You taste, please, will you, Jason?

Oh, it smells good.

And the other.

Well?

- That one. - Aha!

Excuse me, excuse me, you have a try at it, will you, young man?

Well?

This one's fine, that one tastes like glue.

Ahaha!

Thank you very much, my friend, that's very kind of you.

Mr. Robinson, I have a...

You have a pagan tongue, an uncivilized palate, an amateur digestive tract!

I don't even have to ask Mavshovski, forgive me, old friend,

to tell me that you're not an epicure. And for this I work!

For this I call upon the shades of great artists like Lucullus and Brillat-Savarin.

Ah, it is occasionally too much!

I'm going back! Back, back, do you hear?

To the Ethel Goody Waffle Shoppe!

Bebenko, Bebenko, please, don't upset yourself like that, old man.

You-you're the master, I'm only the pupil!

Oh, think, man, think. Think of your eggs pilaf.

Think of your kashna prussianesca with truffles.

Oh, don't go back to the Ethel Goody Waffle Shoppe.

Silence!

Advise me, Mavshovski. ( blabbering in Russian)

Okay. Okay.

I've been ordered to stay.

Ah, good! That's my friend, I knew you would.

That's fine, that's fine.

Yes, yes... of course.

Now, young man, you want to see me?

Yes, he does, Daddy. He has plans for a tractor, and a perfectly beautiful one too.

How do you know, Miss Robinson, you haven't seen them.

Well, if you made them, they must be beautiful.

All right, now, Audrey, don't start working.

Just leave us alone, will you, that's a good girl.

- Run along, now. - Mr. Robinson, I...

- I hope I'll see you again, Mr. um... - Wade.

- Wade. - Yes.

Jason, if Mr. Leonard calls, tell him you don't know when to expect me in.

Yes, miss.

Well, now, Mr. Robinson, I...

I, um, I hear you have plans for a new type machine, is that right?

- Yes, sir, I have. - Well, let's see them, will you?

Well, this hardly seems the place to show them to the best advantage.

Well, I've got to stay here, I have a pie in the oven.

Well, I... could come back tomorrow.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Mr... - Wade.

Mr. Wade. This probably seems a little odd to you, no doubt it is.

But, see, this is my way of relaxing.

When I stand over a hot stove I can forget all my other problems, you understand?

So now, if you realize the situation, I will look over your plan, shall we?

Just lay them out there on the floor.

It's a cinder, Mr. Robinson.

Eh... what, what, what?

Your pie, Mr. Robinson, belongs to the ages.

Oh, to the devil with the pie. Mr. Wade, I think you might be a genius.

What do you say you and I get out of the kitchen...

...and get into what's left of the library?

We have a lot to discuss, Mr. Wade.

Mavshovski, what do they mean by the limit of end terms increases in zero?

What do you mean, you don't know?

Well, Sir Isaac Newton, Socrates, Aristotle were able to find out, I must know.

( in Russian )

Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Now then.

How much... how much advance royalties would you want, if it isn't too much?

Well, Mr. Robinson, I don't know, I...

- I haven't thought... - Well, figure it out, my boy, figure it out.

I'll have to have a working model first, you know.

Working model, well...

Gosh, that'll take me a couple of months and it'll cost a lot of money.

Yes, but I'll have to have something to show to my board.

Your idea's so revolutionary I'll have to be convinced that it'll work.

Well, Mr. Robinson, I haven't got any place to work here in New York.

Oh, is that so, is that so?

Well, let's see.

Well, why not here in this house, where nobody will see what you're doing...

...until after we get a patent on this thing, huh?

I have a machine shop in the cellar, beautifully fitted out too.

I made all the gadgets for my kitchen there.

- Gee, that's great. - I'll make a note of that.

Oh!

Oh, I didn't dream you were still here.

Run along, Audrey. You knew he was here all the time.

Now then. Now, we'll have to find a place for you to live near here, see?

Now, how should we go about that?

Let me see... By George, I have it.

Madison Service.

- Madison Service? - Why, yes, aren't you a client?

Miss Madison personally recommended you to me.

Well, I dropped in there one day for a moment, but...

I hadn't any idea that they knew anything about me.

Oh, they know everything about everybody, the snoopers.

Audrey, please don't be ridiculous, they're marvelous.

And get out of my hair, will you, I've asked that many times.

Your troubles are over once Madison Services starts on you.

Hello?

It's Mr. Robinson. I hope he likes the tractor.

Hello? Yes, Mr. Robinson.

Oh, I'm glad. I'm so glad.

An apartment? You want to get Mr. Wade an apartment.

I could have predicted that.

And what's more, I'm going to get him to sing up with you as a client.

Yes, you deserve the commission.

Now about the apartment.

I want to see the boy often... but not too often.

So it must be something near... but not too near.

And it must be something nice... but not too nice.

- That is, expensive, I mean. - It must be cheap.

They know exactly what to do, and we'll arrange the financial details later.

Yes, that's right.

We'll be very glad to give Mr. Wade our Service De Luxe.

Yes. Goodbye.

Well, he's a client.

Put the girls on it.

Dorothy Madison!

Hey, wait a minute!

What do you want?

Dorothy Madison Service, sir.

Here's your laundry, sir, and a few incidentals that we forgot.

Oh, so that's where my socks and underwear went, eh?

Dorothy Madison Service, sir.

- Anything else, sir? - Oh, go away.

Can't you even leave my socks alone, Miss Madison?

I like them with holes in the toes.

Velreeta.

If that's some more Dorothy Madison service, there's going to be another undeclared war.

Well?

Oh, hello, I'm sorry. Come on in.

- Is it safe? - Sure.

So you found it, eh?

Yes, I got lost a couple of times.

- Just wait till you see the joint. - Oh, I think it's swell.

- Do you like it? - Sure, it's got an off light,

it's in fairly good taste, in a convenient neighborhood and. um...

the rent's cheap enough.

- How did you know? - Well, I... didn't.

I just didn't think you'd take it unless it were.

Oh, I didn't take it, something called the Dorothy Madison Service took it for me.

- Did you ever hear of it? - Hm-hmm, it's supposed to be quite good.

Does everything for people, doesn't it?

Yes, I'll say they do.

I'm just waiting for them to tuck me in bed and say my prayers for me.

Oh, it can't be as bad as all that.

Oh, no? It's worse. You know they even found out what kind of toothpaste I use?

Now, how do you suppose they knew that?

- I can't imagine. - And they darned my socks.

I swore I'd never wear a pair of darned socks again.

The holes were my badge of independence.

- You won't, will you? - I won't what?

- Darn a guy's socks out. - Never.

- Swear it. - Swear it.

Well? Last night you were pretty depressed.

How does it feel to be happy?

- I knew those blueprints were good. - So did I.

You know how you know things sometimes without any rhyme or reason,

you just know them.

That's the way I felt about you the minute I saw you.

I'm glad. Because, um...

It took me all of two hours.

Toughest two hours I've ever spent.

You just sit there, will you, and make believe that you really belong here?

- All right. - I'll be back in a minute.

Here's something for you.

Oh, Bob, they're lovely!

They're the only thing in the room that Madison Service didn't think of.

We can't let him ask only $387 in advance on that tractor.

- He's likely to ruin the whole deal. - He may have a very good reason.

- I'm going to find out, I'll call him. - As Helen Murphy?

Helen Murphy's not supposed to know anything but moon, spoon and June.

Do I detect a note of irony?

Miss Madison will call him.

Get Mr. Wade for Madison 1.

You didn't have to do it this minute.

Your aunt Pearl says there's no time like the present.

- To coin a phrase. - But he might recognize my voice.

You know, I thought of that a few minutes ago.

- I'll change it. - Tenor or bass?

Mr. Wade on 5.

Good morning, Mr. Wade. This is Miss Madison speaking.

Good.

We understand from Mr. Robinson that you're about to make a deal with him.

We're very interested in your decision.

We don't think that $387 is enough to ask.

You don't think it's enough. Well, that's exactly what that tractor cost.

And you listen to this.

I don't want to make an exhorbitant profit out of that tractor.

It's got to be sold cheap if it's going to do any good.

And neither your nor anybody else is going to stop it.

He's got a swell reason, a swell reason!

Well, of course, Mr. Wade, we sympathize with your feelings.

But Mr. Robinson won't think much of anything...

...that the inventor doesn't ask a decent price for.

Well, as a matter of fact that seems to make sense.

What do you think I ought to ask?

Ask for fifteen thousand.

Hello?

He... hello!

- Hello! - What's the matter? - Maybe he dropped dead.

I'm afraid this connection isn't very good,

it sounded exactly as if you said $15,000.

That's just what I did say, Mr. Wade.

Ask 15,000, he'll offer five and you settle for ten.

Yes, thank you. Goodbye!

Well, we put that over.

I don't know whether I...

I don't know whether I'm glad or sorry.

So I said to him, Robinson, look here.

Its going to be $10,000 or no deal.

- Did you really, Bob? - Yep, and he backed right out.

Oh, you're wonderful.

Well, why am I boring you with all this business talk?

Oh, but I'm interested.

- Even though I don't quite process it. - Now look at your face.

All puckered up. That's what business does to a woman.

Makes her look like a... like an accordeon.

Boo-hoo!

Audrey, please go away.

Oh, I won't disturb you. I just thought maybe I could help.

How many times have I told you, Audrey,

that the only way you can help is not to come down here?

I'll just sit right here and you'll see, I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

Oh, it works! Can I do that?

Audrey.

Come here.

Yes?

Oh! Oh, Bob!

- Can you get down? - Not unless you help me.

Good.

Here, file your nails.

Oh, Bob!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if he'd ask me to marry him?

If my allowance check isn't ready, Miss Madison, it's all right.

I can come back for it later.

I can come any time.

She must be sickening or something.

Audrey.

Ah-ah-ah... come out of it slowly.

- You feel all right, Audrey? - Oh, yes, Miss Madison.

Oh, I feel wonderful.

Have you ever been in love?

Ha... ask her another.

Can't be that bald-headed chauffeur.

What?

Oh... well... goodbye, Miss Madison.

Thanks for everything.

Oh, Audrey, you forgot this.

- Oh, so I did. - And there's the door.

Oh, yes... Well, thanks so much, Miss Madison.

You've been awfully good to me.

Oh, I shall never forget that it was you...

...who sent him to out house.

That beautiful young man with the blueprints.

Blueprints?

What are we going to do?

This thing has got to be nipped in the bud.

Pearl, you've got to help me.

Not only for his sake but mine.

Why, I'd even try to save my worst enemy from little Audrey.

Get me Mr. Wade on the phone.

Don't forget the Madison voice.

I won't forget anything.

Hello?

Call for me? Oh, thank you, Jason.

Hello.

Well, what is it now, Miss Madison?

Audrey Robinson, of course I know her. What about her?

Warn me against her?

Now look here, Miss Madison, it's high time you learned to mind your own business.

I don't want you or your service poking your nose into my private life.

I'll see any girl I want. And for your private information,

tonight I've got a date with a girl named Helen Murphy.

Well, this is a fine time to be coming home, I must say.

Why, is anything the matter?

Well, little Scooty Robinson's having fits, Audrey's missing again.

Well, do we start the wheels rolling to find her or not?

Find her, certainly, why not?

Oh, I gather she's no longer a menace to love's young dream.

Oh, Pearl, nothing's any longer a menace.

I know he's going to ask me to marry him the minute he finishes that model.

Well, boys and girls of Radioland,

what do you think out little lady's going to say to that?

Ask your neighborhood grocer tomorrow.

Get the brigadoon service, will you, there's a pal.

Okay.

# My own # # Let me call you my own #

Hey, Audrey, who shelved you?

Oh, Bob, I've been waiting for you hours and hours.

- It's awfully late. - It isn't late, it's early.

And I'm inspired to work.

Then you don't mind if I sit here and watch?

Not a bit.

On second thought it's late and you'd better go to bed.

Oh, why?

But she will be found, won't she, Bebenko?

Madison Services has always brought her back... alive.

I will ask the spirit Mavshovski.

Yes, yes, ask him!

Where is she, Mavshovski?

Wh-where is she, Mavshovski?

( in Russian )

- Ah-ha... - Well?

She's down below where it's cold and dark, you'll never see her again.

Oh, Bebenko, don't say that!

Come on, get down, Audrey.

How can I?

Audrey, you know, you're really a very cute kid.

Oh, Bob.

Now run along, now.

# My own # # Let me call you my own #

Bob... Bob, are you singing to me?

Sure, if you want to.

Bob. Bob, do you like brunettes better than blondes?

Fine, fine...

- Ignition... - Bob.

Do you like me?

Of course...

You know what, Bob?

Daddy would be awfully happy if I were to get married.

Sure, sure.

And he'd simply swoon if I were to marry you.

Why not?

- Darling! - Hey, what's this?

- Of course I will, of course I will! - Of course you will what?

Why, you just asked me to marry you. Oh, you angel!

Hey, Audrey! Audrey! I what?

Oh, you darling! Come on, let's tell Daddy! Come on, he'll be so happy!

# My own # # Yes he calls me his own #

Audrey, Audrey, wait a minute! You can't do this!

You're slipping, my friend.

Sent me Pyrodent tooth paste.

Audrey, my little wanderer.

- May I go to bed, sir? - Yes, go any place you like.

Oh, Audrey, Audrey, where have you been?

- Down in the cellar! - Certainly, where it's cool and dark.

- Well, what were you doing in the cellar? - Getting engaged.

- Now, now, now, who to this time? - To him, Daddy, to Bob!

- To Bob Wade. - Oh, my dear child, what a relief.

At last you've done something really worthwhile, haven't you, huh?

Oh, Bebenko, he's a splendid fellow, brains, brawn, sense, everything.

Kiss your father again, will you?

- Oh, darling! - Mr. Robinson.

- My dear fellow... - I really want to explain.

Say no more about it, it meets with my enthusiastic approval.

- But Mr. Robinson, you don't understand... - Skop it, my boy, skip it!

Your invention will be a success, you'll be rich, even without Audrey's fortune.

- But Mr. Robinson... - Your sense of unworthiness does you credit

but don't mention it again.

You're exactly the sort of son-in-law I've always hoped for.

Oh, Bebenko, isn't he sweet, Bebenko?

He still is a barbarian without a palate.

Why, he has so too!

Why, you have so too a palate, haven't you, darling?

I think I'll go home.

Oh, Bob!

Let him go, Audrey, happiness has dazed him.

Oh, Daddy, I'm so happy!

The spirit Mavchovski tells me...

You tell Mavshovski to keep his nose out of this!

Audrey, now, please. Now you go on to bed, will you?

You've made yourself dizzy.

Go on, now, run along.

I'm a little dizzy myself.

I'm going to call up Miss Madison and tell her to call of her bloodhound.

Now, who could that be?

- Shall I find out? - If you're curious.

Hello. Oh, yes, Mr. Robinson.

Oh, goodie, goodie, I'm so glad she's safe and sound.

And what?

She what?

Just a minute.

What's the matter?

Hello?

I'm afraid I don't hear you, Mr. Robinson.

Engaged? You mean to Mr. Wade?

Oh...

Uh... goodbye.

- He's going to marry Audrey. - Oh, I don't believe it.

Oh, you don't, do you, Pearl? It's ridiculous, isn't it?

It just couldn't happen, it's a...

It's another one of Audrey's brainstorms, isn't it?

- Of course it is. - It's foolish to worry about it.

It's insane to give another moment's thought, it's... it's...

- It's something to laugh about, isn't it? - You're absolutely right.

- Hey, where are you going? - To make sure.

- Bob. - Helen!

Oh, Bob!

Why... what's the matter?

Why, you're like a scared chipmunk.

I was scared, but I'm not anymore.

If I had any sense, I wouldn't have been in the first place.

There'll never be anything to be scared of in here.

Oh, darling.

Now come on, tell me all about it.

- Well... Mr. Robinson called and... - Robinson?

- Yes, Robinson. - You mean Mr. Scoot Robinson?

Hm-hmm, Mr. Scoot Robinson.

But I didn't know you knew him.

Well, I do in a way.

Well, why did he call you?

Well, he... well, it wasn't important, only that he...

It must have been pretty important if it sent you running here at two in the morning.

Oh, Bob, he said you were going to marry Audrey, I had to make sure it wasn't true.

It isn't, but why did he call you?

Well, he... uh...

Oh, Bob, I'm gonna tell you.

I should've a long time ago.

It'll be a relief to tell you.

Go on, tell me.

Well, don't get mad or anything, but I...

Bob, do you remember the Pyrodent toothpaste?

Yes.

And the Velreeta shaving cream?

Yes.

And you asked me how they knew?

- They? - Yes, the...

The Madison Service.

Well, how did they know?

I told them.

Why should you tell them?

Well, I... because... Well, you see,

I'm the owner of Dorothy Madison.

That is...

I am Dorothy Madison.

I forgot to send you your check this week.

Oh, Bob. You've a right to be angry.

You can say or do anything you please, I deserve it.

But, please, try and remember, I didn't deliberately start out to lie to you,

it just happened that way and...

Then I got in so deep, I couldn't get out.

You're out now.

Bob, I couldn't tell you about me after what you said about bossy women.

Why, I was the bossiest woman in the world, I...

I ran people's lives for them, I made up their minds for them, I...

I told them where they could eat, and sleep, and drink.

Now I remember.

Suddenly Mr. Robinson called, just like that.

A bolt from the blue.

Then I had to have my deal arranged for me.

Because I was too stupid to do it for myself.

That was you, wasn't it, with that phony high-pitched voice?

Yes.

And then you got this apartment for me and picked out the towels and the soap,

decided how much the rent would be.

Tipped the elevator boys in advance.

No, I didn't. I didn't tip the elevator boys in advance.

How could that have slipped you, Miss Madison, an important thing like that?

Why, I might have made a mistake and tipped them too much or too little.

Ruined your professional reputation.

But you didn't forget Audrey, did you?

That wasn't the way you planned it.

So you got on that trick voice of yours again...

and called me up and warned me against her, that was very sweet of you.

Oh, Bob, please let...

You must have had a great time running my life.

It must have been great fun making all the decisions for me.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Madison, but I don't need your service any longer.

From now on I'm going to make all the decisions for myself.

And the first one is that I'm going to take Audrey up on her proposal.

Oh, but, Bob, you can't do that!

Well, little miss fix-it, I'd marry Audrey now if she had two heads.

- Listen, you sap! - I think we ought to be a little more quiet.

Maybe you ought to go...

...before the neighbors start calling the Madison Service.

Good morning, Miss Murphy.

Miss Madison, your appointment for the fitting is at 3:30, not 4:00.

Good morning, Miss Murphy.

Murph.

I thought you were going to take the day off.

What for? I haven't anything to do now but come here.

Madison 1, it's Mr. Robinson.

Let me take it.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. Robinson.

A party, what sort of a party?

Well, a party at which I want to show Mr. Wade's finished tractor to the board.

And I want you to attend to everything. I'm going to kill two birds with one stone.

You'll be surprised when you hear this.

I'm going to announce Audrey's engagement to Mr. Wade at the same time.

I particularly want you to come, Miss Madison,

because after all I have you to thank for everything.

Not only did you send me a design for a perfect tractor,

but the right sort of a son-in-law.

And I'll never forget you for that.

Thank you, Mr. Robinson.

Murph!

Murph.

Murph.

For the love of Madison. Murph.

Will you please stop!

Do you don't know what they're doing to me?

They not only want me to arrange their engagement party,

but they expect me to go to it too.

And I won't! I'll close up the Madison Service first.

I'll arrange their party for them. Oh, come on, Murph.

Keep your chin up where it's always been.

Don't let a mere six feet of blueprint get you down.

Oh, Murph, have a heart.

You'll have me doing it too.

Bob! Bobby!

Oh, Bob!

Well, well, well, well, not finished yet, my dear boy?

Bob, you're going to be late for the party.

My goodness, the whole board is coming to inspect this tractor tonight,

what's taking you so long? 0h, those revolving pins again, huh?

Let me see.

Why, now, Robert, you ought to be able to fix these all right.

If I had just one uninterrupted hour alone, I think I could fix it in time.

Oh, yes, of course, I understand what you mean.

- Alone! - Yes, you mean alone.

You heard what he said, Audrey,

so the sooner you leave him, the sooner he'll be alone.

While you're tinkering with that last nut, I'll arrange for a sauce for the sturgeon.

Oh, Bobby, darling, you won't be long, will you?

You have to dress and everything, you know.

Oh, Bobby, when we're married, where shall we go on our honeymoon?

Paris is so usual. How about Havana?

We'll leave all those decisions to the Madison Service.

Oh, I should say not!

The minute we're married I'll be out of their clutches, you just wait and see!

Audrey!

Yes, darling?

I think there's something you ought to know about me.

When people interrupt me while I'm working, a strange thing happens to me.

First I see spots before my eyes.

Then I hear a rushing in my ears, then a roaring,

then I brain the nearest person with this!

Oh, Bob, Bob, what's the matter with you?

How did you ever get like that?

It's inherited. There's always been insanity in my family.

Sometimes my spells last only a minute.

Sometimes they last a day.

Sometimes I'm afraid they're going to go on forever!

Daddy! Daddy!

Well, it's finished.

You know, I always thought this would be the greatest moment of my life.

And I feel as flat as old beer.

Tonight I feel as sad as sour vodka.

I feel lonesome.

Lonesome for the steppes, the big, beautiful, rolling steppes of old Russia.

There I was appreciated.

- There I was somebody. - A superchef, eh?

A chef.

I was Prince Sergei Vassilievitch Bebenko,

colonel of the Black Eagle Imperial Guard.

A prince, eh?

Yes.

Say, do the Robin... does Audrey know anything about this?

No, no.

Little do the Robinsons know that the old blood of the boyards boils in my veins.

That I was intimate and familiar to all the royal blood in Russia.

Or they would have invited me to their party.

I'll say they would. Specially Audrey.

Audritchka, my little Audrey.

Bebenko, I invite you to this party.

Say, I know you're a prince, but...

Well, have you got anything to make you look like one?

You know, I mean, medals, or decorations, or anything like that?

Medals or decorations?

He asks.

I have a double-headed eagle of Moscow,

The Priabejenski Cross,

The Imsk, Minsk, Omsk and Pskov medallions.

The Iron Virgin of Moldavia, The Baltarska Star with palms,

the Nijniy Novgorod rosette with vultures!

- And a monocle. - Well, put them all on.

You're going to this party, baby. We haven't got much time.

- Pardon, please. - Your Highness.

Monsieur.

Mr. and Mrs. Burton Devereau.

Well, well, well, how do you do, Mrs. Devereau, how do you do?

How do you do, Mrs. Devereau? May I present my fiancé, Mr. Wade?

Oh, and is this the young man I've heard so much about?

Mr. Devereau is a member of our board, Robert.

- Good evening, Mr. Wade. - Oh, how do you do

Mr. Nikolai Vorachenski.

Well, good evening, Mr. Vorachenski. I'm so glad you could come.

You know my daughter? Yes, yes, everybody does.

And this is Mr. Wade. of whom you'll hear more later.

Of whom I have already heard.

Mr. Vorachenski is an honorary member of our board...

...and comissar of the Moscow Harvester Company.

Miss Dorothy Madison.

- How do you do, Mr. Robinson. - Good evening, good evening.

- How do you do, Audrey? - Good evening, Miss Madison.

- And of course, Mr. Wade. - I'm so glad you could come, Miss Madison.

What a pity Miss Madison couldn't come.

Yes, she wanted to so badly,

but she had such a dreadful headache, migraine, you know.

Mr. Wade, have you ever had migraines?

No, but I got hit on the head with a baseball bat once.

- Oh, did you really? So did I. - What a pity you both recovered.

- Bebenko, how dare you? - Announce me, please.

His Highness the Prince Sergei of Russia.

Yes... who?

Er... Bebenko?

I found out who he really was and took the liberty of inviting him here.

You...

Go on, go on!

Master of the Royal Bedchamber,

Knight of the Volga, Cup-bearer to His Most Imperial Majesty.

Baron Bebenko of Crakow,

and Colonel of the Black Eagle Imperial Guards.

- Is he really all those things? - All of them.

- Well, good evening, Your Majesty. - Good evening.

Why didn't you tell me that you were an Imperial, er...

...Black Guard, Your Highness?

We'll give you permission to call us Bebenko.

Well, that's very kind of you, Bebenko.

Does the spirit Mavshovski know who you are?

We have no secrets from him.

- Ah! - Ah, Vorachenski, how glad to see you.

( in Russian)

Do you know the prince, the baron, do you?

But certainly. My father was overseer on the estates of his family.

My, my, my, and to think that he was overseer on the steaks of my family.

I have your permission to go, have I?

- You have our permission to withdraw. Yes, thank you, Your Majesty, thank you.

Robinson, may I have a word with you?

( in Russian )

And my honored friend.

Ah, the nostalgia of Strauss.

Always at the feast of St. Boris we used to dance to Strauss in the Winter Palace.

Mademoiselle, may I have the excruciating pleasure?

Why, yes, of course. That is, if you don't mind, Bob.

Oh, no, I'd gladly give the first dance of the evening to His Highness.

Oh, Miss Madison, I want to compliment you on the arrangements for tonight.

I've never seen the Madison Service so efficient.

Oh, we've done better jobs than this. Look at the job we did on you.

Miss Madison number 2, you're just like your boss, aren't you?

Not quite, Mr. Wade number 2, I wish I were.

I wish I had her looks, her brains, her courage.

Not quite courage enough to come here tonight and arrange things herself.

She has too much sense to see you making a mess of everything she did for you.

Miss Dorothy Madison.

Well, well, well, hello, Miss Madison!

My, my, my, I thought you had migraine, or a headache or something.

Oh, even a headache wouldn't keep me from this happy occasion, Mr. Robinson.

Well, that's very nice of you to say that.

Now that you're here, I feel much safer about making my announcement, I...

I'm not very good at that sort of thing, you know, I...

Oh, never mind, I'll be right behind you.

Well, then, shall we get on with the ordeal? Sort of get it over with?

Thank you.

- Oh, how do you do? - How do you do?

Um, may I have your attention, please?

Everybody, may I have your... just a little attention, please, my friends.

Will someone stop that music, please? I say, may...

I'm so sorry, I...

Ladies...

Ladies and gentlemen,

I, um... I have invited you here this evening...

...to kill you all with one stone.

Not only do I want to announce the embarrassment...

the engagement of my daughter Audrey to a new tractor,

but I want you to meet my new three-way son-in-law.

My daughter Audrey has worked on revolutionary principles.

And I am proud to say that I have never seen a more perfect machine than he is.

So, without further to-do,

or to-don't,

I will ask Miss Madison, to whom I owe everything,

to unveil Mr. Wade.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to add a few words to Mr. Robinson's eloquence.

A little something about the young inventor himself.

Oh, no, you don't. This is what you asked for.

Mr. Wade is a lone wolf...

who conceived, executed and carried out this remarkable new tractor...

...entirely on his won.

In short, Mr. Wade's a genius.

But I should like you all to share my happiness...

...in the knowledge that the lone wolf has found a mate.

A girl who with her strength of mind and sterling character...

...will be forever at his side.

a fitting helpmate and counsellor,

...in all the years to come.

Just, um... push this little button right there, will you?

- This one? - Yes.

Oh, it works, it works!

Congratulations, Mr. Wade.

Here we go!

Just look at that, isn't it marvelous? Don't stop it, it's all right.

Robert, Robert, please, leave it alone, it's all right, it's perfect.

- My boy, it's a success. - A success!

- It's worth a million dollars! - Splendid! Splendid!

Well, Mr. Wade, let's take a look at you.

Comb, please.

New flower.

- How do you feel? - Well, how am I expected to feel?

Oh, at this point they usually say "sick, but of course you're different.

Oh, not in the least. I wouldn't think of upsetting your usual routine.

Ask me again.

- How do you feel? - Sick.

A Madison special, please.

Oh, you'd better make it two, Miss Madison looks a little sick herself.

Why, I never felt better in all my life.

Oh, Miss Madison, you're slipping that filthy stuff.

Oh, I forgot, Mr. Wade, I should have brought you a glass of milk.

You shouldn't forget anything at your prices.

Yes, but just think of the quality of our service.

To say nothing of the personal satisfaction you get out of your work.

Say nothing of the peculiar things that our clients sometimes ask us to do.

For instance, we once placed a tractor.

Oh, did you?

Yes.

The inventor was a pig-headed sap but...

we didn't mind, we went right ahead!

You never do mind, do you?

You go right ahead like an army tank pushing everything out of your way.

Just to make way so that our clients can take all the bows while...

...we do all the work.

That's because you put your work before everything else in your life.

Oh, Bob.

Yes, Miss Madison?

Well, it's nearly time for the ceremony, I...

...suppose you look presentable enough.

You may go.

Well, I may look that way, but I'm very uncomfortable in this stuffed-shirt outfit.

And these shoes you bought for me hurt and I want a piece of chewing gum.

But you can't chew gum while you're getting married.

Well, what can I chew while I'm getting married?

Your cud.

Oh, there you are.

Your bride may be swooning with joy somewhere, but she hasn't gotten here yet.

- Well, didn't you send the car for her? - But the car's gone too.

What shall we do, Miss Madison?

Audrey isn't at home, she isn't any place.

- Have you looked in the broom closet? - Yes, I did, I...

No, I... what would she be doing in a broom closet?

Why not?

Say, this isn't anything to joke about.

When did you see her last, Mr. Robinson?

I didn't see her, that is, not today. I don't think I did, I... I... I...

Did I, Miss Madison?

Daddy, I'm a princess!

Audrey!

- I'm a princess. - Audrey!

Oh, Daddy, I couldn't help it he simply swept me off my feet.

Everything became a blank, and before I knew it,

I was standing before the city clerk saying "I do".

Well, well, this is most peculiar, it's even irregular.

In fact it's astonishing, I...

My little one a princess, my, my, my.

It's...

- Well, that means she's married to you. - Hm-hmm.

Oh... I hope this doesn't mean that you're going to give up your cooking.

Oh, never. My love for my little Audritchka will carry me on to new depths.

- Oh... - I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Do you mean to tell me that you're actually married?

Oh, yes, Miss Madison, it's legal and everything.

Oh, Bob!

- Can you ever forgive me? - Never!

But Mr. Wade, only this morning you made it quite clear...

- Quiet! - I mean, when I talked it over with you...

- Quiet! - But why are you so surprised?

Do you dare to stand there and insinuate that you warned me?

Have the spirit Mavshovski tell me what's going to happen?

- One of us is crazy? - Which one?

He is, Daddy, he told me himself there's insanity in his family.

I couldn't be expected to marry anyone that's crazy, now, could I?

Audrey, give us one good reason.

Mr. Robinson, I give you my word of honor...

...that the Bebenkos were sane way back to Peter the Great.

Well, except my cousin Alexander Alexandrovitch, my Yuca Bebenko,

and my aunt Wanda Antoniev.

You know, I was always suspicious of your father?

My father was crazy too!

Quiet everybody. Shut up!

Now, Mr. Robinson, I'm afraid you'll have go out in the chapel...

...and tell your guests there'll be no wedding.

Now wait a minute!

So I'm the goat around here, am I? Well not on your life!

I've tried on this monkey suit eleven times and I'm going to use it, see?

I'm going to get married! It's up to you! Get me a bride!

Here's your chance to prove how great your Madison Service is!

Hang the Madison Service!

Say that again and smile.

- Hang the Madison Serve. - Wade Service from now on?

Yes, boss.

Well, come on.

Well, if my son is a prince, what does that make me, a king?

Yes, come on in before they crown you.

My spirit Mavshovski, tells me this is...

The End.

- Subtitles - Luís Filipe Bernardes