Original subtitles

REPORTER: Australia's biggest airline is in trouble again tonight.

The QUALITUS chaos continues this morning

as hundreds of flights are cancelled domestically and internationally.

While no comment has been made by QUALITUS' CEO,

spokespeople for QUALITUS have said

they take the consumer dissatisfaction very seriously,

but also cannot be responsible for factors outside their control.

Still the highest-rated airline in Australia...

GRETA: OK, regarding client list, Nicole,

we keep getting emails from Latabi.

OK. I wanted to talk to you about that.

Do you mind if we pass on Latabi?

Just because she was... Briefly dating your ex Toby...

Yes, who chronically gaslit me.

OK, he and therefore she is dead to us. She will never be our client.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Also, now that we're in charge, we should work out a way

to discard our dreg clients onto Ian.

Now that we have QUALITUS, Fritz's golden egg.

You are absolutely right.

We still haven't got any word from Bobby

about the next board meeting.

I know, but when that happens, then we're in charge.

I mean, we're in charge now, just not...

On paper, financially or legally. Absolutely.

No, totally. But today we need to focus on QUALITUS.

No. Today's QUALITUS.

AIRPORT ANNOUNCER: Passengers on QUALITUS flight QLF156,

your flight has been cancelled.

Yes. You must be Lisa Dove.

That's me. Head of Loyalty.

This is John Gammit. Legal. Hi.

And you are? Greta Goldman.

Pleased to meet you. And I'm Nicole...

(MUTTERS) ..Kidman.

I thought you said Nicole Kidman for a second there!

That would be... (CHUCKLES)

..your name.

So, uh, should we wait for your boss?

The new Fritz? Ian Randell, is it?

Oh, no. So, we're actually... We're the...

..the ones. ..the bosses now.

Yeah. There was an article in Talk Street about it.

Yeah. So Ian's, um, irrelevant.

Oh, no.

My mistake. That's totally on me, I apologise.

Wow! Well, this will be fun.

Have you ever been to the Captain's Lounge before?

Uh, no. What's that?

Think of it as Parliament House, but with better catering.

Hmm.

(LINE RINGS)

(LIFT BELL RINGS)

It's a new day, Meredith. A new day.

Morning, Ian.

Ian, the girls have shuffled some of the clients.

That's OK, Cody. OK?

They've palmed off the Hypnotists' Alliance.

The last time you met Grazio the Strange,

we lost you for days.

Ian. We can make it work.

In fact, I welcome the excitement of the hypnotists.

Is that what we're on today?

Er, not quite.

Yes, that's right, Bobby.

Inside the Tang dynasty horse.

Oh, no. Of course. Of course I will.

Crumpy's chips? Hmm.

If I buy chip and crunch chips, I deserve chip of the crunch, right?

Hashtag #NotActuallyTripleTheCrunch is trending.

Crumpy's is freaked.

They want to run a statement by us. This is not triple.

And I can prove it. Why am I on this?

Where are the girls?

Isn't stupid people on social media their entire wheelhouse?

They're at QUALITUS Airlines.

Oh, fuck! No!

No. What? But what about Crumpy's?

No statement, Cody.

If anything, we need to reel this kid in

before he goes full Erin Brockovich on us.

Go and get some business cards printed and get me a cockatoo,

just in case.

Meredith, get me Bobby!

A cockatoo?

It's me.

Is that Bobby?

Pass me the phone! Hang on a minute, Bobby.

Ian's waving at me.

I think he wants to have a quick chat with you.

Oh, OK.

I'll write it down.

Uh, yep.

Right.

Uh-huh.

OK. I'll just let him know.

Bobby is far too busy to have a chat with you today,

but he wants me to pass this message on to you.

Oh, OK.

We'll... We'll meet for brunch tomorrow.

Is that...? Yep.

And he's with...? Her.

So that's true. Uh-huh.

And he's still alive.

And that's the chair of... I know.

And we're here.

And we're here too, which is good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Captain's Lounge.

Your pins.

With those, you can come and go whenever you like.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, so, do you have the menu? (CHUCKLES)

Oh, there's no menu.

You can just order whatever you want.

Anything? Anything.

Uh, do you have Neurosplosion Brain Juice?

Of course.

I'll have one of those, too, actually.

Times three. Thanks, Dante.

I'll just have an apricot boba latte with a razzleberry infusion.

My favourite.

Oh, and, uh, just some Iranian pistachios for the table.

Of course.

So, we're across the top line,

but is there anything in particular you wanted to discuss?

Well, the issue is we're selling tickets to flights,

but the flights keep getting cancelled.

Yeah, we're across the stats.

27% increase in net negative comments online in the past month.

We don't think you have a real problem here.

I mean, your comms team is right on message.

This is a temporary problem caused by a nationwide skill shortage.

Exactly right.

With that one sentence, you've acknowledged the problem,

but then shifted the focus to the apathy of the modern worker

and the jumbled priorities of the current government.

Oh, yes, it's a wonderful comms strategy!

When it's relevant.

But the issue we have is we're not cancelling the flights.

I think John is better-placed to explain this.

(JOHN CLEARS THROAT)

VOICE OF BOBBY: Bobby Bahl, leave a message.

(SIGHS) Hi, Bobby.

Look, I know the girls are in charge,

but they've taken QUALITUS,

which is, like, Captain's Lounge access.

Um, and the thing is, like, my dad actually brought QUALITUS

into the firm, so it was always meant to go to me.

Um, it was kind of his dying wish.

Um, so, anyway, call me back.

Um... Oh, I'm on Crumpy's today.

It's actually quite big. Um, potato chips.

So, yeah, if I don't pick up, I will call you back.

OK. (BEEP!)

Call me. Oh.

Well, from a legal perspective,

QUALITUS Airlines doesn't sell tickets to scheduled flights.

I mean, that's just the marketing.

Uh, marketing?

But isn't selling tickets to flights your entire operation?

Air travel is a very complicated business.

If we guaranteed people we'd get them there

at the exact time we said we would,

we'd leave ourselves open to all sorts of risk.

Like what?

Well, mainly the risk of having to get people where we said

we would when we said we would.

We can't have that. Nuh-uh.

WAITER: Fish Bombay, sir.

Right, so, when I buy a ticket to a flight, what am I buying?

You are buying the right to travel

on one of our planes at some point in the future.

But with no guarantee about when it would leave or arrive?

Oh, definitely not. No.

Right. But the ticket has an arrival and departure time on it.

Ah. See, no, it doesn't.

People often get confused by that.

See, that's not a departure time.

That's an aspirational goal,

like a New Year's resolution or a climate target.

(GUITARIST PLAYS FLAMENCO MUSIC)

Maybe if we explain our thinking a bit here.

I think that would be helpful.

Yeah. We'd love to understand your, um...

(MUSIC STOPS) ..thinking.

Are you OK, Ian?

Done. I just instant messaged him.

Oh, great.

Well, I got the business cards you were after.

Did you want to chat? These kids are all the same.

You just have to show them the love and attention

that their fathers never gave them.

And you can get them to do anything you want.

"How would you like to become our crunchologist?

"Regards, Crocky."

"Regards"? Who's running their account?

It's giving a sad 50-year-old divorcee energy

pretending to be a fake cockatoo.

Well, that's not true. I'm 48.

Did you get me that cockatoo?

Oh, I tried, Ian, but, um,

hiring a cockatoo, like, you need to get an animal wrangler.

Well, just go and buy a cockatoo, Cody.

This is our job!

He wants me to be...

Are you sure you don't want to talk about Greta and Nicole

snapping up Fritz's legacy clients?

I mean, we could come up with a strategy.

We've got a strategy, Cody.

And it requires you to go out and buy me a cockatoo.

A cockatoo that talks.

I can handle this.

I just need to instant message this kid again.

Brands are trying to co-opt me, but I speak the truth.

And all my followers know that.

JOHN: Here at QUALITUS, we're customer first.

So, last year, we did this wonderfully illuminative

customer satisfaction survey.

The feedback we received very clearly suggested

that our customers really value being able to book a flight

at the exact time they need to fly.

That I understand. I'm following that logic.

But in reality, I mean, that would mean scheduling

around 1,700 more flights...

Hiring 400 more staff.

And 120 more planes than we currently have

or have the ability to have. Hmm.

So, you're selling tickets to flights that don't exist,

on planes you don't have,

crewed by staff that you will never hire.

Mm-hm.

We optimise for satisfaction in the ticket purchase flow.

Then later we cancel the flight

and move them onto flights we actually had scheduled.

It was our way of saying, "Look at our willingness

"to hypothetically have these flights scheduled."

It was just a marketing thing. It's just marketing.

Well, yes, we know marketing.

We're quite well versed in marketing.

We just usually see marketing as a way of selling or promoting

something that does, in fact, exist.

I th...

I think what Greta's trying to say is, um,

well, some people might not be so sympathetic to the fine line

that you've drawn between marketing hypotheticals

and... Fraud, even.

Fritz never used to think so.

Fritz just loved the Captain's Lounge.

We still have his drinks special up on the board.

You know, I would say let's have four Fritz Spritzers right now,

but it's too much gin for me.

And the spritz part is actually just carbonated vodka.

Wasn't he classic?

Look, Fritz knew that regulators here were always very understanding

of the unique challenges that airlines faced,

but the recent uptick in consumer complaints

has them poised to ask more questions.

But, luckily, they still think the flights were cancelled.

I mean, rather than not existing in the first place.

Which, again, Greta, is really just marketing distinction.

Oh, thank you, Dante. Thank you, Dante.

Some...

DANTE: And... My boba.

Mm-hm.

Yummy.

And Fritz knew all of this?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Fritz, Fritz, Fritz.

Frozen Fritz.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN HOUSE)

(GATE CREAKS)

(GATE CREAKS)

(GATE CLANGS)

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY INSIDE HOUSE)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, hi.

I'm here about the chatty bird.

He's here for the bird.

Nice place.

Oh, well, hello there!

What a cute little bird.

COCKATOO: Shut up, bitch!

The 500.

Er...

I know the ad said it spoke, but I didn't realise...

Hello, bitch!

Um, I just need to check with my boss about the, um...

..the...

You know what? I'll take the bird.

Yeah. Thanks. Yeah. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

So, any thoughts?

Well, uh, in the event that the regulator digs deeper...

Yeah, and disagrees that this is

a sort of marketing miscommunication slash, um, befuddlement

and more sort of a... ..scam slash fraud,

uh, we'll need a strategy.

So, what did you have in mind?

W...

Well, I think we need to address these consumer complaints.

Take control, go on the offensive.

Yes, we can use our extensive media contacts

to initiate a perspective adjustment on the narrative around QUALITUS

and these cancellations. Mm.

Well, exactly.

And I think we...we just tell the truth.

Um, and the truth is this isn't war crimes

we're talking about, is it?

It's not. It's definitely not that.

This is just cancelled flights.

It's first-world problems. Exactly.

First-world problems. Hmm. First-world problems.

(WHISPERS) I think that was good. Hmm.

How was your Brainsplosion juice?

Really good. How was your boba? Life-changing.

Yes. We want to run with First World Problems, Adam.

But, like... Yes. 6pm is great.

LIVESTREAMER: Thanks to my dark web followers,

I can reveal that the ageing social media manager

behind the cringe bribe is this guy called Ian Randell,

who works at his dead dad's PR firm, and he's a nepo baby.

What the fuck?

Posting his home address below.

What? No!

Cody! The PR firm's called...

..Fritz and Randell.

Frank Fritz died of old age a few days ago.

Hey, Ian, if you're watching this,

why does everyone around you die of old age?

Sorry for your loss, boomer.

REPORTER: QUALITUS initially denied

allegations that it had done anything wrong.

But today it said it would no longer fight the allegations.

REPORTER 2: QUALITUS Airlines is facing mounting scrutiny tonight

over its ticketing practices.

But many in the industry are pushing back,

saying it's hardly the biggest problem in the world

if travellers find themselves stranded in Bali for an extra day.

The airline's regulator, Brian Polson, says it's now

on his radar and he will act swiftly and without hesitation

if QUALITUS has misled consumers.

COCKATOO: Shut up, bitch! (SCREECHES)

LISA: Well, girls, you've done it. First World Problems is everywhere.

The media around flight cancellation complaints is off the charts.

Well, that's great, John. You are welcome.

No, no. Not great, not welcome.

What do you mean, John? (EXHALES LOUDLY)

So, slight problem, girls...

Doubling down on the press has put a target on our backs.

Brian Polson has informed us he needs to act.

Well, no, the regulators only need to be seen to act, John.

And our strategy was always to get ahead of a likely probe.

And the press we rally changes the nation's attitude.

And it gives Brian space to drop the whole thing in a matter of weeks.

We just have to wait it out.

I think that ship has sailed.

We need to get out in front of this and explain

that what we are doing is perfectly legal.

OK, respectfully, that is a terrible idea.

Respectfully, I agree.

We're going to go with our gut here, girls.

We appreciate your attempts,

but this is a very tricky business we're dealing with here.

Fritz always understood that, and I'm not sure you do.

OK, sorry, but we actually managed to...

What we've done is actually created a...

Why don't we schedule another chat

once this has been handled on our end?

Possibly there's a misalignment of skill sets here

that makes this ongoing partnership hard on both of us.

OK? Sorry. Can we just....?

What just happened? Did we just get...?

What does this mean for the Captain's Lounge?

Oh. I'm sorry.

No, we have to fix this because I'm not having a single moment...

Something was...

Oh, Ian, you're still here. You didn't hear anything.

I mean, we didn't disturb you, did we?

Um, how are you going on your, on your work that you're working on?

Yeah. Great.

Great. Great.

Yeah, yeah. Really great.

You? Oh, also great.

Really great. Basically, great. Great.

Mm. Mm.

Well, here we are, burning the midnight oil.

Yes.

Anything, uh, anything you need help on?

Um... QUALITUS maybe?

Oh, no. No, I wouldn't think so, no.

No, I can't... Yeah. I can't think of anything...

Mm. Mm.

..we need. So...

Did you need help with...?

No. No, no.

OK. I mean, there is just one thing.

What is it, Ian?

Well, it's nothing really.

Uh, but, uh, it does seem that I have been doxed

by a 14-year-old.

Well, I'm very impressed you know what doxed means, Ian.

Doxed, how, Ian?

Well, the thing is, what I did is

I instant messaged him as Crocky the Cockatoo.

Like, damned him as a character? Yeah.

And I offered him the title of "Chief Crunchologist".

For Crumpy's. Why did you do that?

Well, it was a classic co-option play.

And then he doxed me.

Yes, well, that part makes sense now.

OK, I kind of have to see this.

So, Ian, um, full name, address... Everything!

This kid is playing 4D chess.

Do you think he might be a lot older

and just pretending to be a 14-year-old?

No, Ian, I think that's you doing that.

OK. This kid clearly calls for an irony-pill response.

Irony pill?

A-ha! In your day, Ian, kids were just happy or sad.

Now they're all nihilistic anti-natalist.

What?

They've got a dark sense of humour, Ian,

You have to drag this kid to hell.

Yes. Mean is funny again, Ian,

these kids are exhausted by

the big guy pretending to be their friend.

They're way too deep in their Reddit threads about billionaires for that.

What's funny to them is owning that you,

you - the brand/ the big guy - suck.

Own that you suck, Ian. Own that you suck.

Own that I suck, right.

And what about the doxing?

Oh, like, Nicole's ex-boyfriend, Lamar

moonlights as a black hat hacker.

He can help scrape everything from the internet.

I think he's already on payroll.

Yes, we can get him to help Cody download Tor.

Tor.

Thanks.

I think we have to turn round. We have to ask.

I'm going to do that.

Um, also, Ian, just on QUALITUS.

Yeah.

If QUALITUS was, say...

Like, threatened with a fine for running a scam operation

selling flights that don't exist...

What would you recommend they do about that?

Well, have you found out what their pain point is?

Their what?

Their maximum acceptable cost basis for the fine.

The first rule of these things is always find out

what their pain point is.

How much money did they make running the scam?

Marketing. Promotional activities.

And what's an acceptable cost of doing their business?

They'll have a number.

OK, but they're in real trouble with the regulators.

Yeah, exactly. Brian Polson must be up their ass!

So find out the price at which the fine

makes the cost of doing that scam... BOTH: Marketing.

..not worth doing.

And then if you can deliver a fine lower than that, everybody wins.

Well, except for the schlubs who bought the tickets.

OK, well...

Thanks, Ian. Thanks, Ian.

Finding out their price is not the hard part.

The hard part is getting the fine down.

OK, so how do we do that? For that, I need in.

What do you mean?

You get to keep QUALITUS as a client.

But I get one of those.

Captain's Lounge.

Lisa, John, thanks for jumping back on with us.

Uh, we heard John's interview.

Um, we're sorry that Brian's being so obtuse

about the marketing of this matter.

Well, what is it you think we should do?

Uh, well, our question is this.

Uh, what is your maximum acceptable marginal cost basis for the fine?

(WHISPERING)

Around 570 million.

$570 million is the profit margin.

Oh, God. No. Way more than that.

But if we can get out of it for 570 million,

it won't hurt our margins.

The cost of doing business.

OK, leave it with us.

I'm sure we can get that fine down for you.

Anything else?

No, I think that's it. Nothing's coming to mind.

Yeah, that was the one question that we had.

Just that one question.

And that's out there now and answered by you guys.

So I reckon we can wrap it up. So, wrap it up.

Absolutely. Well, thanks guys. Speak soon.

OK. Well, that's great, but how do we get the fine down?

Do I get Captain's Lounge? We tried everything, Ian.

Yeah. First thing we asked, they came back with, "No way."

It's like a big, resounding no.

But...

But you still have access.

I mean...

Yes, that's true. We do.

I've waited years for access.

Oh, well, if that's how you want to play it,

then, uh, good luck getting the fine down.

Ian...

Let's see how many razzleberry girl fizzes

you're going to be able to order

before they realise you're useless to them,

and they shred your access for good.

I mean, I'm sure Bobby and the board are going to be delighted

when they discover that you've lost the biggest airline in the country

as a client on your first week in the job!

(SOBS)

Oh, Ian, are you crying?

No, I'm not crying.

Ian, it looks like you're crying. I'm not.

I'm not crying!

Ian, I had no idea the Captain's Lounge meant this much to you.

It means that much to everyone who knows about it.

We don't have peerages in this country.

Captain's Lounge is the closest you'll get to a knighthood.

There's no menu!

OK. That was, like, really emotionally intense, Ian,

but it gave me an idea. Nicole. This is how we get the fine down.

I know what you're saying.

And I'm going to get Brian Polson's number right now.

I'm really glad you had the catharsis, Ian.

Yeah, men expressing emotion is really good, Ian.

What is...? Ian, bird.

The ad said it was fluent in English.

BIRD: Shut up, bitch!

It is fluent...in some English.

BIRD: What, bitch?

Wait, is that...? Oh, it's perfect!

Oh, I see.

Oh, Ian, you're gonna nail this.

BIRD: Shut up, bitch! Shut up, you bitch!

I was surprised by that. I know.

Here we go, guys.

Guys, I'm here at Fritz & Randell -

the most boring office I've ever seen.

Oh, my God. What is this?

Hi, Leo. Uh, Ian, this is Leo.

Oh, Leo.

Uh, very pleased to meet you.

Uh, your YouTubes are very clever.

I love your work.

Cringe, Randell giving NPC. You're doing too much.

Uh, do you want to meet, uh, Crocky the Cockatoo?

He's very excited to meet you.

Do you or do you not admit that triple crunch chips are

actually not triple the crunch?

Are you live streaming this?

You can't ask me not to live stream.

No, no, no, live streaming is fine by me.

Yeah. Here we are. Crocky!

What do you think about Leo's really cool investigation?

CROCKY: Shut up, bitch!

What? That's so fucking funny.

Well, you just got dragged to hell, my friend.

CROCKY: Bitch!

Guys, are you seeing this? It's a talking bird.

CROCKY: You're a bitch. Yeah, bitch! Shut up! Bitch! Bitch!

They were running a scam operation.

It was just clever marketing.

That's what Fritz used to say.

Brian, the point is, QUALITUS can't afford this.

If the fine were to be more than 20,30 million at most,

they'd have to start cutting back. Cutting back?

Offshoring jobs, cutting routes.

Oh, they always threaten that.

The Captain's Lounge would have to go, Brian.

What? They wouldn't.

Well, we were in a meeting just yesterday

when they mentioned how much it costs to run.

Mm.

I don't think they'd get rid of it entirely.

I think they'd just start slashing access.

Your name came up, actually. My name?

Mr Polson. Argh!

It's time to go.

What? No. You can't.

Your flight, sir. Oh.

Of course. Well, um...

I'll see what I can do, girls.

CROCKY: Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

Shut up, Bitch!

This is sick. Oh, bitch.

But it wasn't only the one in the Tang dynasty horse.

There was one in Fritz's office

and also one in the kitchen behind the television set.

Is that it? Well, yes. But...

But, Meredith,

I mean, if you told me that Fritz had installed tiny cameras

in the office for the purpose of covertly recording our clients,

and God knows what else, I'd say, "Yeah, that's exactly right."

I mean, it's totally Fritz.

He was a scary freak.

But this has to be a bad look for us. For Fritz & Randell.

Well, we were all aware of his peeping proclivities, Meredith.

And, uh, we are all complicit.

We are eating complicit sushi and drinking complicit wine.

I don't know a single thing about that.

Fritz was a good man.

You're so funny, Meredith. You crack me up.

I did not know that about you.

Did you know that?

Meredith, you haven't watched the footage, have you?

No. Oh, fantastic.

See? You haven't watched it. I haven't watched it.

I mean, maybe it doesn't even exist, right?

What we have here now is, uh, Schrodinger's footage.

You like that one, Dod?

(LAUGHS)

You see that?

Oh, I just live for that reaction.

When he smiles, it just makes me melt.

Meredith, um, listen to me, OK?

I need you to listen very carefully.

Don't watch the footage.

I need you to keep it somewhere safe. Very, very safe.

You know, like the inside of a Tang dynasty horse.

And leave this burden with me, OK?

Now, unfortunately, yes.

The ethical thing to do is inform all of our clients

that everything they said or did with Fritz & Randell - Fritz era -

is recorded on tiny cameras we possess.

And how do we know she hasn't watched it?

You don't.

Well, now, Dod, we won't be questioning Meredith's integrity.

She's always been our most loyal employee.

Oh, Meredith, before you go, I always wanted to ask,

what did you see in Fritz?

You know, his youth, his good looks,

his love of women other than yourself?

I think it's best no-one else knows about this.

Oh, I could not agree more, Meredith,

our lips are sealed if yours are.

Mm.

We need to lock her down, Dod.

PRESENTER: The airline regulator slapped

a $25 million fine on QUALITUS,

for what it says were serious breaches in marketing practices.

QUALITUS says it will accept the fine,

but blamed cancellations on higher than usual amounts of weather.

Hi, Bobby.

Um, Ian here calling from my new number

because I got doxed a little bit.

Um, anyway, I just wanted to spitball

with you about the Captain's Lounge.

Like, what happens to Fritz's membership now that he's dead?

Like, could I inherit it?

Um, you know, 'cause you won't use it.

Uh, or...

I mean, do you get a plus one that I could maybe use?

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