All language subtitles for O.S01E03.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-WH_track3_[eng]

REPORTER: Australia's biggest
airline is in trouble again tonight.

The QUALITUS chaos
continues this morning

as hundreds of flights are cancelled
domestically and internationally.

While no comment has been made
by QUALITUS' CEO,

spokespeople for QUALITUS have said

they take the consumer
dissatisfaction very seriously,

but also cannot be responsible
for factors outside their control.

Still the highest-rated airline
in Australia...

GRETA: OK, regarding client list,
Nicole,

we keep getting emails from Latabi.

OK. I wanted to talk to you
about that.

Do you mind if we pass on Latabi?

Just because she was...
Briefly dating your ex Toby...

Yes, who chronically gaslit me.

OK, he and therefore she is dead
to us. She will never be our client.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Also, now that we're in charge,
we should work out a way

to discard our dreg clients
onto Ian.

Now that we have QUALITUS,
Fritz's golden egg.

You are absolutely right.

We still haven't got any word
from Bobby

about the next board meeting.

I know, but when that happens,
then we're in charge.

I mean, we're in charge now,
just not...

On paper, financially or legally.
Absolutely.

No, totally. But today we need
to focus on QUALITUS.

No. Today's QUALITUS.

AIRPORT ANNOUNCER: Passengers
on QUALITUS flight QLF156,

your flight has been cancelled.

Yes.
You must be Lisa Dove.

That's me. Head of Loyalty.

This is John Gammit. Legal.
Hi.

And you are?
Greta Goldman.

Pleased to meet you.
And I'm Nicole...

(MUTTERS) ..Kidman.

I thought you said Nicole Kidman
for a second there!

That would be... (CHUCKLES)

..your name.

So, uh, should we wait
for your boss?

The new Fritz?
Ian Randell, is it?

Oh, no. So, we're actually...
We're the...

..the ones.
..the bosses now.

Yeah. There was an article
in Talk Street about it.

Yeah. So Ian's, um, irrelevant.

Oh, no.

My mistake.
That's totally on me, I apologise.

Wow! Well, this will be fun.

Have you ever been
to the Captain's Lounge before?

Uh, no. What's that?

Think of it as Parliament House,
but with better catering.

Hmm.

(LINE RINGS)

(LIFT BELL RINGS)

It's a new day, Meredith. A new day.

Morning, Ian.

Ian, the girls have shuffled
some of the clients.

That's OK, Cody.
OK?

They've palmed off
the Hypnotists' Alliance.

The last time you met
Grazio the Strange,

we lost you for days.

Ian.
We can make it work.

In fact, I welcome the excitement
of the hypnotists.

Is that what we're on today?

Er, not quite.

Yes, that's right, Bobby.

Inside the Tang dynasty horse.

Oh, no. Of course.
Of course I will.

Crumpy's chips?
Hmm.

If I buy chip and crunch chips,
I deserve chip of the crunch, right?

Hashtag #NotActuallyTripleTheCrunch
is trending.

Crumpy's is freaked.

They want to run a statement by us.
This is not triple.

And I can prove it.
Why am I on this?

Where are the girls?

Isn't stupid people on social media
their entire wheelhouse?

They're at QUALITUS Airlines.

Oh, fuck! No!

No. What? But what about Crumpy's?

No statement, Cody.

If anything,
we need to reel this kid in

before he goes
full Erin Brockovich on us.

Go and get some business cards
printed and get me a cockatoo,

just in case.

Meredith, get me Bobby!

A cockatoo?

It's me.

Is that Bobby?

Pass me the phone!
Hang on a minute, Bobby.

Ian's waving at me.

I think he wants to have
a quick chat with you.

Oh, OK.

I'll write it down.

Uh, yep.

Right.

Uh-huh.

OK. I'll just let him know.

Bobby is far too busy
to have a chat with you today,

but he wants me
to pass this message on to you.

Oh, OK.

We'll... We'll meet
for brunch tomorrow.

Is that...?
Yep.

And he's with...?
Her.

So that's true.
Uh-huh.

And he's still alive.

And that's the chair of...
I know.

And we're here.

And we're here too, which is good.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Captain's Lounge.

Your pins.

With those, you can come
and go whenever you like.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, so, do you have the menu?
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, there's no menu.

You can just order
whatever you want.

Anything?
Anything.

Uh, do you have
Neurosplosion Brain Juice?

Of course.

I'll have one of those,
too, actually.

Times three. Thanks, Dante.

I'll just have an apricot boba latte
with a razzleberry infusion.

My favourite.

Oh, and, uh, just some
Iranian pistachios for the table.

Of course.

So, we're across the top line,

but is there anything in particular
you wanted to discuss?

Well, the issue is
we're selling tickets to flights,

but the flights keep
getting cancelled.

Yeah, we're across the stats.

27% increase in net negative
comments online in the past month.

We don't think you have
a real problem here.

I mean, your comms team
is right on message.

This is a temporary problem caused
by a nationwide skill shortage.

Exactly right.

With that one sentence,
you've acknowledged the problem,

but then shifted the focus
to the apathy of the modern worker

and the jumbled priorities
of the current government.

Oh, yes,
it's a wonderful comms strategy!

When it's relevant.

But the issue we have is
we're not cancelling the flights.

I think John is better-placed
to explain this.

(JOHN CLEARS THROAT)

VOICE OF BOBBY:
Bobby Bahl, leave a message.

(SIGHS) Hi, Bobby.

Look, I know the girls are
in charge,

but they've taken QUALITUS,

which is, like,
Captain's Lounge access.

Um, and the thing is, like,
my dad actually brought QUALITUS

into the firm, so it was
always meant to go to me.

Um, it was kind of his dying wish.

Um, so, anyway, call me back.

Um... Oh, I'm on Crumpy's today.

It's actually quite big.
Um, potato chips.

So, yeah, if I don't pick up,
I will call you back.

OK.
(BEEP!)

Call me. Oh.

Well, from a legal perspective,

QUALITUS Airlines doesn't sell
tickets to scheduled flights.

I mean, that's just the marketing.

Uh, marketing?

But isn't selling tickets
to flights your entire operation?

Air travel is
a very complicated business.

If we guaranteed people
we'd get them there

at the exact time we said we would,

we'd leave ourselves open
to all sorts of risk.

Like what?

Well, mainly the risk of having to
get people where we said

we would when we said we would.

We can't have that.
Nuh-uh.

WAITER: Fish Bombay, sir.

Right, so, when I buy a ticket
to a flight, what am I buying?

You are buying the right to travel

on one of our planes
at some point in the future.

But with no guarantee
about when it would leave or arrive?

Oh, definitely not. No.

Right. But the ticket has
an arrival and departure time on it.

Ah. See, no, it doesn't.

People often get confused by that.

See, that's not a departure time.

That's an aspirational goal,

like a New Year's resolution
or a climate target.

(GUITARIST PLAYS FLAMENCO MUSIC)

Maybe if we explain our thinking
a bit here.

I think that would be helpful.

Yeah. We'd love to understand
your, um...

(MUSIC STOPS)
..thinking.

Are you OK, Ian?

Done. I just instant messaged him.

Oh, great.

Well, I got the business cards
you were after.

Did you want to chat?
These kids are all the same.

You just have to show them
the love and attention

that their fathers never gave them.

And you can get them to do
anything you want.

"How would you like to become
our crunchologist?

"Regards, Crocky."

"Regards"?
Who's running their account?

It's giving a sad
50-year-old divorcee energy

pretending to be a fake cockatoo.

Well, that's not true. I'm 48.

Did you get me that cockatoo?

Oh, I tried, Ian, but, um,

hiring a cockatoo, like,
you need to get an animal wrangler.

Well, just go and buy a cockatoo,
Cody.

This is our job!

He wants me to be...

Are you sure you don't want to talk
about Greta and Nicole

snapping up Fritz's legacy clients?

I mean, we could come up
with a strategy.

We've got a strategy, Cody.

And it requires you to go out
and buy me a cockatoo.

A cockatoo that talks.

I can handle this.

I just need
to instant message this kid again.

Brands are trying to co-opt me,
but I speak the truth.

And all my followers know that.

JOHN: Here at QUALITUS,
we're customer first.

So, last year,
we did this wonderfully illuminative

customer satisfaction survey.

The feedback we received
very clearly suggested

that our customers really value
being able to book a flight

at the exact time they need to fly.

That I understand.
I'm following that logic.

But in reality, I mean,
that would mean scheduling

around 1,700 more flights...

Hiring 400 more staff.

And 120 more planes
than we currently have

or have the ability to have.
Hmm.

So, you're selling tickets to flights
that don't exist,

on planes you don't have,

crewed by staff
that you will never hire.

Mm-hm.

We optimise for satisfaction
in the ticket purchase flow.

Then later we cancel the flight

and move them onto flights
we actually had scheduled.

It was our way of saying,
"Look at our willingness

"to hypothetically have
these flights scheduled."

It was just a marketing thing.
It's just marketing.

Well, yes, we know marketing.

We're quite well versed
in marketing.

We just usually see marketing
as a way of selling or promoting

something that does, in fact, exist.

I th...

I think what Greta's trying
to say is, um,

well, some people might not be
so sympathetic to the fine line

that you've drawn
between marketing hypotheticals

and...
Fraud, even.

Fritz never used to think so.

Fritz just loved
the Captain's Lounge.

We still have his drinks special
up on the board.

You know, I would say let's have
four Fritz Spritzers right now,

but it's too much gin for me.

And the spritz part is
actually just carbonated vodka.

Wasn't he classic?

Look, Fritz knew that regulators
here were always very understanding

of the unique challenges
that airlines faced,

but the recent uptick
in consumer complaints

has them poised
to ask more questions.

But, luckily, they still think
the flights were cancelled.

I mean, rather than not existing
in the first place.

Which, again, Greta, is
really just marketing distinction.

Oh, thank you, Dante.
Thank you, Dante.

Some...

DANTE: And...
My boba.

Mm-hm.

Yummy.

And Fritz knew all of this?

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Fritz, Fritz, Fritz.

Frozen Fritz.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN HOUSE)

(GATE CREAKS)

(GATE CREAKS)

(GATE CLANGS)

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
INSIDE HOUSE)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, hi.

I'm here about the chatty bird.

He's here for the bird.

Nice place.

Oh, well, hello there!

What a cute little bird.

COCKATOO: Shut up, bitch!

The 500.

Er...

I know the ad said it spoke,
but I didn't realise...

Hello, bitch!

Um, I just need to check
with my boss about the, um...

..the...

You know what? I'll take the bird.

Yeah. Thanks. Yeah.
(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

So, any thoughts?

Well, uh, in the event
that the regulator digs deeper...

Yeah, and disagrees that this is

a sort of marketing miscommunication
slash, um, befuddlement

and more sort of a...
..scam slash fraud,

uh, we'll need a strategy.

So, what did you have in mind?

W...

Well, I think we need to address
these consumer complaints.

Take control, go on the offensive.

Yes, we can use
our extensive media contacts

to initiate a perspective adjustment
on the narrative around QUALITUS

and these cancellations.
Mm.

Well, exactly.

And I think we...we just tell
the truth.

Um, and the truth is
this isn't war crimes

we're talking about, is it?

It's not. It's definitely not that.

This is just cancelled flights.

It's first-world problems.
Exactly.

First-world problems.
Hmm. First-world problems.

(WHISPERS) I think that was good.
Hmm.

How was your Brainsplosion juice?

Really good. How was your boba?
Life-changing.

Yes. We want to run
with First World Problems, Adam.

But, like... Yes. 6pm is great.

LIVESTREAMER:
Thanks to my dark web followers,

I can reveal
that the ageing social media manager

behind the cringe bribe
is this guy called Ian Randell,

who works at his dead dad's
PR firm, and he's a nepo baby.

What the fuck?

Posting his home address below.

What? No!

Cody!
The PR firm's called...

..Fritz and Randell.

Frank Fritz died of old age
a few days ago.

Hey, Ian, if you're watching this,

why does everyone around you die
of old age?

Sorry for your loss, boomer.

REPORTER: QUALITUS initially denied

allegations that it had
done anything wrong.

But today it said it would
no longer fight the allegations.

REPORTER 2: QUALITUS Airlines
is facing mounting scrutiny tonight

over its ticketing practices.

But many in the industry are
pushing back,

saying it's hardly
the biggest problem in the world

if travellers find themselves
stranded in Bali for an extra day.

The airline's regulator,
Brian Polson, says it's now

on his radar and he will act swiftly
and without hesitation

if QUALITUS has misled consumers.

COCKATOO: Shut up, bitch!
(SCREECHES)

LISA: Well, girls, you've done it.
First World Problems is everywhere.

The media around flight cancellation
complaints is off the charts.

Well, that's great, John.
You are welcome.

No, no. Not great, not welcome.

What do you mean, John?
(EXHALES LOUDLY)

So, slight problem, girls...

Doubling down on the press
has put a target on our backs.

Brian Polson has informed us
he needs to act.

Well, no, the regulators only
need to be seen to act, John.

And our strategy was always to get
ahead of a likely probe.

And the press we rally
changes the nation's attitude.

And it gives Brian space to drop
the whole thing in a matter of weeks.

We just have to wait it out.

I think that ship has sailed.

We need to get out in front of this
and explain

that what we are doing
is perfectly legal.

OK, respectfully,
that is a terrible idea.

Respectfully, I agree.

We're going to go
with our gut here, girls.

We appreciate your attempts,

but this is a very tricky business
we're dealing with here.

Fritz always understood that,
and I'm not sure you do.

OK, sorry, but we actually
managed to...

What we've done is actually
created a...

Why don't we schedule another chat

once this has been handled
on our end?

Possibly there's a misalignment
of skill sets here

that makes this ongoing partnership
hard on both of us.

OK?
Sorry. Can we just....?

What just happened?
Did we just get...?

What does this mean
for the Captain's Lounge?

Oh. I'm sorry.

No, we have to fix this because
I'm not having a single moment...

Something was...

Oh, Ian, you're still here.
You didn't hear anything.

I mean, we didn't disturb you,
did we?

Um, how are you going on your,
on your work that you're working on?

Yeah. Great.

Great.
Great.

Yeah, yeah. Really great.

You?
Oh, also great.

Really great. Basically, great.
Great.

Mm.
Mm.

Well, here we are,
burning the midnight oil.

Yes.

Anything, uh, anything you need
help on?

Um...
QUALITUS maybe?

Oh, no.
No, I wouldn't think so, no.

No, I can't... Yeah.
I can't think of anything...

Mm.
Mm.

..we need. So...

Did you need help with...?

No. No, no.

OK.
I mean, there is just one thing.

What is it, Ian?

Well, it's nothing really.

Uh, but, uh, it does seem
that I have been doxed

by a 14-year-old.

Well, I'm very impressed
you know what doxed means, Ian.

Doxed, how, Ian?

Well, the thing is, what I did is

I instant messaged him
as Crocky the Cockatoo.

Like, damned him as a character?
Yeah.

And I offered him the title
of "Chief Crunchologist".

For Crumpy's. Why did you do that?

Well, it was
a classic co-option play.

And then he doxed me.

Yes, well, that part makes sense
now.

OK, I kind of have to see this.

So, Ian, um, full name, address...
Everything!

This kid is playing 4D chess.

Do you think he might be
a lot older

and just pretending
to be a 14-year-old?

No, Ian, I think
that's you doing that.

OK. This kid clearly calls for
an irony-pill response.

Irony pill?

A-ha! In your day, Ian,
kids were just happy or sad.

Now they're all nihilistic
anti-natalist.

What?

They've got a dark sense of humour,
Ian,

You have to drag this kid to hell.

Yes. Mean is funny again, Ian,

these kids are exhausted by

the big guy pretending
to be their friend.

They're way too deep in their Reddit
threads about billionaires for that.

What's funny to them is owning
that you,

you - the brand/ the big guy -
suck.

Own that you suck, Ian.
Own that you suck.

Own that I suck, right.

And what about the doxing?

Oh, like, Nicole's ex-boyfriend,
Lamar

moonlights as a black hat hacker.

He can help scrape everything
from the internet.

I think he's already on payroll.

Yes, we can get him to help Cody
download Tor.

Tor.

Thanks.

I think we have to turn round.
We have to ask.

I'm going to do that.

Um, also, Ian, just on QUALITUS.

Yeah.

If QUALITUS was, say...

Like, threatened with a fine for
running a scam operation

selling flights that don't exist...

What would you recommend they do
about that?

Well, have you found out
what their pain point is?

Their what?

Their maximum acceptable
cost basis for the fine.

The first rule of these things
is always find out

what their pain point is.

How much money did they make
running the scam?

Marketing.
Promotional activities.

And what's an acceptable cost
of doing their business?

They'll have a number.

OK, but they're in real trouble
with the regulators.

Yeah, exactly. Brian Polson must be
up their ass!

So find out the price at
which the fine

makes the cost of doing that scam...
BOTH: Marketing.

..not worth doing.

And then if you can deliver a fine
lower than that, everybody wins.

Well, except for the schlubs
who bought the tickets.

OK, well...

Thanks, Ian.
Thanks, Ian.

Finding out their price is
not the hard part.

The hard part is getting
the fine down.

OK, so how do we do that?
For that, I need in.

What do you mean?

You get to keep QUALITUS
as a client.

But I get one of those.

Captain's Lounge.

Lisa, John, thanks for jumping
back on with us.

Uh, we heard John's interview.

Um, we're sorry that Brian's
being so obtuse

about the marketing of this matter.

Well, what is it you think
we should do?

Uh, well, our question is this.

Uh, what is your maximum acceptable
marginal cost basis for the fine?

(WHISPERING)

Around 570 million.

$570 million is the profit margin.

Oh, God. No. Way more than that.

But if we can get out of it for
570 million,

it won't hurt our margins.

The cost of doing business.

OK, leave it with us.

I'm sure we can get that fine down
for you.

Anything else?

No, I think that's it.
Nothing's coming to mind.

Yeah, that was the one question
that we had.

Just that one question.

And that's out there now
and answered by you guys.

So I reckon we can wrap it up.
So, wrap it up.

Absolutely.
Well, thanks guys. Speak soon.

OK. Well, that's great,
but how do we get the fine down?

Do I get Captain's Lounge?
We tried everything, Ian.

Yeah. First thing we asked,
they came back with, "No way."

It's like a big, resounding no.

But...

But you still have access.

I mean...

Yes, that's true.
We do.

I've waited years for access.

Oh, well, if that's
how you want to play it,

then, uh, good luck
getting the fine down.

Ian...

Let's see how many
razzleberry girl fizzes

you're going to be able to order

before they realise
you're useless to them,

and they shred your access for good.

I mean, I'm sure Bobby and the board
are going to be delighted

when they discover that you've lost
the biggest airline in the country

as a client
on your first week in the job!

(SOBS)

Oh, Ian, are you crying?

No, I'm not crying.

Ian, it looks like you're crying.
I'm not.

I'm not crying!

Ian, I had no idea the Captain's
Lounge meant this much to you.

It means that much to everyone
who knows about it.

We don't have peerages
in this country.

Captain's Lounge is the closest
you'll get to a knighthood.

There's no menu!

OK. That was, like, really
emotionally intense, Ian,

but it gave me an idea. Nicole.
This is how we get the fine down.

I know what you're saying.

And I'm going to get
Brian Polson's number right now.

I'm really glad
you had the catharsis, Ian.

Yeah, men expressing emotion
is really good, Ian.

What is...?
Ian, bird.

The ad said it was fluent
in English.

BIRD: Shut up, bitch!

It is fluent...in some English.

BIRD: What, bitch?

Wait, is that...?
Oh, it's perfect!

Oh, I see.

Oh, Ian, you're gonna nail this.

BIRD: Shut up, bitch!
Shut up, you bitch!

I was surprised by that.
I know.

Here we go, guys.

Guys, I'm here at Fritz & Randell -

the most boring office
I've ever seen.

Oh, my God.
What is this?

Hi, Leo. Uh, Ian, this is Leo.

Oh, Leo.

Uh, very pleased to meet you.

Uh, your YouTubes are very clever.

I love your work.

Cringe, Randell giving NPC.
You're doing too much.

Uh, do you want to meet,
uh, Crocky the Cockatoo?

He's very excited to meet you.

Do you or do you not admit
that triple crunch chips are

actually not triple the crunch?

Are you live streaming this?

You can't ask me not to live stream.

No, no, no, live streaming
is fine by me.

Yeah. Here we are. Crocky!

What do you think about Leo's
really cool investigation?

CROCKY: Shut up, bitch!

What? That's so fucking funny.

Well, you just got dragged
to hell, my friend.

CROCKY: Bitch!

Guys, are you seeing this?
It's a talking bird.

CROCKY: You're a bitch. Yeah, bitch!
Shut up! Bitch! Bitch!

They were running a scam operation.

It was just clever marketing.

That's what Fritz used to say.

Brian, the point is,
QUALITUS can't afford this.

If the fine were to be more than
20,30 million at most,

they'd have to start cutting back.
Cutting back?

Offshoring jobs, cutting routes.

Oh, they always threaten that.

The Captain's Lounge would
have to go, Brian.

What? They wouldn't.

Well, we were in a meeting just
yesterday

when they mentioned
how much it costs to run.

Mm.

I don't think they'd get
rid of it entirely.

I think they'd just start
slashing access.

Your name came up, actually.
My name?

Mr Polson.
Argh!

It's time to go.

What? No. You can't.

Your flight, sir.
Oh.

Of course. Well, um...

I'll see what I can do, girls.

CROCKY: Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

Shut up, Bitch!

This is sick.
Oh, bitch.

But it wasn't only the one
in the Tang dynasty horse.

There was one in Fritz's office

and also one in the kitchen
behind the television set.

Is that it?
Well, yes. But...

But, Meredith,

I mean, if you told me that Fritz
had installed tiny cameras

in the office for the purpose
of covertly recording our clients,

and God knows what else, I'd say,
"Yeah, that's exactly right."

I mean, it's totally Fritz.

He was a scary freak.

But this has to be a bad look
for us. For Fritz & Randell.

Well, we were all aware of
his peeping proclivities, Meredith.

And, uh, we are all complicit.

We are eating complicit sushi
and drinking complicit wine.

I don't know a single thing
about that.

Fritz was a good man.

You're so funny, Meredith.
You crack me up.

I did not know that about you.

Did you know that?

Meredith, you haven't watched
the footage, have you?

No.
Oh, fantastic.

See? You haven't watched it.
I haven't watched it.

I mean, maybe it doesn't even
exist, right?

What we have here now is,
uh, Schrodinger's footage.

You like that one, Dod?

(LAUGHS)

You see that?

Oh, I just live for that reaction.

When he smiles,
it just makes me melt.

Meredith, um, listen to me, OK?

I need you to listen very carefully.

Don't watch the footage.

I need you to keep it somewhere safe.
Very, very safe.

You know, like the inside
of a Tang dynasty horse.

And leave this burden with me, OK?

Now, unfortunately, yes.

The ethical thing to do is inform
all of our clients

that everything they said or did
with Fritz & Randell - Fritz era -

is recorded on tiny cameras
we possess.

And how do we know she hasn't
watched it?

You don't.

Well, now, Dod, we won't be
questioning Meredith's integrity.

She's always been
our most loyal employee.

Oh, Meredith, before you go,
I always wanted to ask,

what did you see in Fritz?

You know, his youth, his good looks,

his love of women other than
yourself?

I think it's best
no-one else knows about this.

Oh, I could not agree more,
Meredith,

our lips are sealed if yours are.

Mm.

We need to lock her down, Dod.

PRESENTER: The airline regulator
slapped

a $25 million fine on QUALITUS,

for what it says were serious
breaches in marketing practices.

QUALITUS says it will accept
the fine,

but blamed cancellations on higher
than usual amounts of weather.

Hi, Bobby.

Um, Ian here calling from my
new number

because I got doxed a little bit.

Um, anyway, I just wanted
to spitball

with you about
the Captain's Lounge.

Like, what happens to Fritz's
membership now that he's dead?

Like, could I inherit it?

Um, you know,
'cause you won't use it.

Uh, or...

I mean, do you get a plus one
that I could maybe use?