Original subtitles

Goddamn bugs.

Oh, shit.

Oh, crap.

Well, Nick the Dick. What a surprise.

Where you coming from, Nick?

Fishing in Cuernavaca. Mm-hm. Sure you were.

What do you say we take a look at your catch, huh?

Come on.

Me, I would've thrown them back.

So, Nick, what do you get?

Like a hundred bucks a head here? Two hundred?

Hope you saved it all for your lawyer, my friend, because you are gonna need it.

We'll take it from here. Who the hell are you?

INS, Division 6.

Division 6? I never heard of Division 6.

Really?

Who you got your money on, Dee? Tough call, Kay.

We've got a winner here, Dee. Oh, I know.

Sir. Sir, you can't just...

Don't "sir" me, young man.

You have no idea who you're dealing with.

We're gonna have a little chat with our friend here.

You fellas can hit the road.

Keep on protecting us from the dangerous aliens.

You ever hear of Division 6?

There is no Division 6. This is bullshit.

Hell, yeah.

Looks like you fell off the bus in the wrong part of town, amigo.

In fact, I'm gonna bet dollars to pesos you're not from anywhere near here.

Mikey?

Mikey, when did they let you out of jail?

Political refugee, right.

You know how many treaties you just violated?

One? Try seven.

That's enough, Mikey. You hand me that head.

Put up your arms and all your flippers.

AW, shit.

Dee, shoot him.

Dee!

Th... Th...

Th... Th...

"That." That...

Wa... Wa... Wa...

Was not human. I know.

Looks like you got some entrails on you there, pal.

- What the hell? - The situation's under control.

Calm down, please. Give me your attention for a moment.

I'll be glad to tell you what happened.

This is called a neuralyzer. It's a gift from some friends from out of town.

This red eye here will isolate the electronic impulses in your brains.

And more specifically, the ones for memory.

That's good, fellas. Give me a splay burn around the perimeter

with holes at 40, 60 and 80 meters from right here.

Thank you.

That's good. Thank you. What in the hell is going on?

Excellent question.

And the answer you're looking for lies right here.

- Who are you, really? - Really?

I am just a figment of your imagination.

Damn, what a gullible breed.

I'm serious, fellas. You're lucky to be alive after a blast like that.

What blast?

The underground gas main, genius.

You fellas need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms,

I'll tell you that right now. Especially you.

Have yourself checked out with EMS

on the other side of the hill before you leave.

I'm sorry about back there.

It happens. Didn't used to.

The spirit's willing, Kay...

but the rest of me...

They're beautiful, aren't they? What?

The stars.

We never just look any more No.

I'll tell you, Kay,

I will miss the chase.

No, Dee, you won't.

Freeze! N.Y.P.D. Freeze!

All yours, Edwards.

"Freeze" means stop.

Yo! Whoa!

What the hell?

All right. Come on.

It just be raining black people in New York.

Do you see this? Huh?

"N-Y-P-D."

Means I will knock your punk ass down.

He's coming. He's coming.

Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too.

Oh, you trying to catch a beat-down, huh?

What's up?

He's coming.

He's coming because I failed, and now he'll kill me too.

Yeah? Well, you're just pissing everybody off today, huh?

You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.

What the hell are you?

Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge.

Wait. Look, look, come on down.

We'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it.

Look, all right, wait a minute. Let me talk to you. Hey! Hey!

I go out, I work my butt off to make a living.

All I want is to come home to a nice, clean house

with a nice, fat steak on the table, but instead I get this.

It looks like poison.

Don't you take that away. I'm eating that, damn it.

It is poison, isn't it?

I swear to God, I would not be surprised if it was,

the way you skulk around here like a dog who been hit too much

or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind.

You're useless, Beatrice.

The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck.

Figures.

What the heck is it, Edgar?

Get your big butt back in the house.

Place projectile weapon on the ground.

You can have my gun

when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

Your proposal is acceptable.

Edgar, what on Earth was that? Sugan

I've never seen sugar do that.

Give me sugar.

In water.

More.

More.

Edgar, your skin is hanging off your bones.

Oh, yeah.

There. Is that better?

"The perpetrator then blinked two sets of eyelids."

You mean blinked with both eyes?

No, sir, he blinked one set, then he blinked a completely different set.

You know, like high beams and low beams.

Was that before or after he drew the weapon

that you claim evaporated into a million pieces?

After, sir.

And why is it that none of the other officers saw either of these two events?

Well, sir, some of the other officers are a little soggy around the midsection.

I guess that's why they weren't able to keep up.

Hey, Edwards, if you were half the man I am...

What the hell are you talking about? I am half the man that you are.

What is your problem?

My problem is you being all up in my damn face.

I think he threw him off the roof. Really? Maybe you next.

I wanna talk to you.

Ten minutes, you take your best shot, tough guy.

Take 10 minutes on a StairMaster, you pudgy bastard.

I believe you.

Laurel Weaver, deputy medical examiner.

Find me at the morgue on 26th. I'll show you.

Wait a minute. Hey, wait a minute.

Excuse me, you're Dr. Weaver

with the coroner's office working on the John Doe, right?

Yes, that's right. Will you look at this, please?

Phew.

Some night, huh?

Yeah, some night. They were gills, not eyelids.

Gills. He was out of breath.

Who are you? Did he say anything to you?

Yeah, he said the world was coming to an end.

Did he say when?

Would you recognize that weapon of his if you saw it again?

Absolutely.

Come on, let's take a ride.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, I got tons of paperwork and...

Right, it's all done. Good work, Edwards.

You really ran this dude down on foot? That's tough, kid.

That's double tough.

So who exactly are you with? FBI? NSA?

I'm part of a bureau that licenses, monitors

and polices alien activity on the planet Earth.

- Yeah, whatever. - We're here.

This is where we going? Yeah.

This is Jack Jeebs' spot. He buys from chain-snatchers.

He doesn't even sell guns. Really?

All right, look, I'm gonna slide up in here and I'm gonna put my thing down,

but when I come back out, I want some real answers.

Okay, go put your thing down.

Officer Eduardo. Hey, how did these get here?

I thought I turned these in to the proper authorities.

The way I hear it, Jeebsie, you into something a little hotter than some stolen Rolexes.

Yeah, well, I'm a huge crack dealer now, but I still work here because I love the hours.

I'm talking about guns, smart-ass. Weird ones.

Come on, Edwards. What you see is what I got.

Why don't you show him the imports, Jeebs?

Hey, Kay. How are you?

Show him the imports right now.

I got out of that business a long time ago.

Why do you lie to me? I hate it.

Now, just hold on a second.

I'm gonna count to three.

- He'll do it, Jeebs. - One.

That man does not look stable. Two.

You know what? Talk to me. He's crazy when he's like this.

He's always crazy. Why don't you get a massage?

Take a cruise...

Three. Drop the weapon.

Put your hands on your head. I warned him.

Drop the weapon. You warned him.

Don't make me kill you.

You insensitive prick.

Do you have any idea how much that stings?

Show us the merchandise or you're gonna lose another head, Jeebs.

Mr. Edwards.

Right there, the one in the middle.

You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity

to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of...

He looked all right to me.

Must have been for an assassination.

Who's the target? You know, I don't know.

Goddamn it, Jeebs. I don't know.

That's confiscated, all of it, and I want you on the next transport off this rock

or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.

Yeah, and...

And I'm gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.

Searching for a handle on the moment?

I can't help you.

The only comfort I can offer is my promise

that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.

Yeah, well, that's not exactly some shit you just forget.

You ever seen one of these, son?

She looks over at her husband, then she sets it back down in her lap

and she says,

"Honey, this one's eating my popcorn."

Did you get it? "This one's eating my..."

Whoa. I gotta go. Thanks for the egg rolls, kid.

Hey, wait a minute. Who are you? You see what I mean about tequila?

You're a very bright young man, James, but you need to lay off the sauce.

Now, I'll see you bright and early, 9:00.

Be there or be square.

Well, well, well.

Moving right in, are we? Think we own the place?

I got a little eviction notice for you boys.

Just what exactly do you think you're doing here?

I'm taking care of your pest problem. Pest problem?

Pest? Yeah, you got a hell of an infestation.

You know, I've noticed an infestation here.

Everywhere I look, in fact, nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum

totally convinced of their own superiority

as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.

Well, yeah.

Don't you wanna get rid of them? Oh, in the worst way.

Help you? Yeah, this dude gave me this card...

Elevator.

You're late. Sit down.

My name is Zed.

You're all here because you're the best of the best.

Marines, Air Force, Navy SEALS, Army Rangers, N.Y.P.D.

And we're looking for one of you, just one.

What will follow is a series of simple tests

for motor skills, concentration, stamina.

I see we have a question.

Yeah, I'm sorry, maybe you already answered this,

but why exactly are we here?

Son? Second Lieutenant Jake Jensen.

West Point graduate with honors.

We're here because you're looking for the best of the best of the best, sir.

What's so funny, Edwards? Your boy Captain America over here.

"The best of the best of the best, sir."

You know, "With honors."

You know, he's just really excited, and he has no clue why we're here.

That's just... That's very funny to me.

Y'all ain't laughing, though.

Okay, let's get going.

Wanna get down on this?

Edwards, what the hell happened?

Hesitated.

May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?

Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.

How'd you come to that conclusion?

Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the streetlight.

And then I realized, you know, he's just working out.

How would I feel if somebody come running in the gym, bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill?

Then I saw this snarling beast guy.

I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I realized he's not snarling,

he's sneezing.

You know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany.

I'm thinking, you know, 8-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto,

bunch of monsters, this time on night, with quantum-physics books?

She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about 8 years old.

Those books are way too advanced for her.

If you ask me, I say she's up to something.

And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.

Or do I owe her an apology?

That was a good shot, though, right?

He's got a real problem with authority.

So do I.

But this kid ran down a cephalopoid on foot, boss.

That's gotta be tough enough.

Let's hope you know what you're doing.

Gentlemen, congratulations.

You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training.

And now, if you'll just follow me, we have one more test to administer:

an eye exam.

Where are you going?

Yo. Hey, man, what the hell is all this?

Back in the mid-1950s, the government started a little underfunded agency

with the simple and laughable purpose of establishing contact with a race not of this planet.

If you'll look directly at the end of this device, we'll administer the eye test.

Everybody thought the agency was a joke except the aliens

who made contact March 2, 1961, outside New York.

There were nine of us the first seven agents, one astronomer

and one dumb kid who got lost on the wrong back road.

Oh, you brought that tall man some flowers.

This way.

They were a group of intergalactic refugees.

Wanted to use the Earth as an apolitical zone for creatures without a planet.

Did you ever see the movie Casablanca?

It's the same thing, except no Nazis.

Oh. We agreed,

and we concealed all the evidence of their landing.

Uh-huh. So these are real flying saucers

and the World's Fair was just a cover-up for their landing?

Why else would we hold it in Queens?

More nonhumans arrive every year, and they live among us in secret.

Look, I'm sorry, not to change the subject or anything,

but when was the last time you had a CAT scan?

Six months ago. It's company policy.

Right, you should make another appointment.

Look, tell your boy Zed I had an absolutely wonderful time,

and thank you for everything, but why don't you show me the door?

All right. I'm gonna get some coffee. You want some coffee?

No, thank you, I'm fine. Okay.

How you doing, fellas?

Hi, Kay. Hi, Kay.

That's not decaf, is it? Viennese cinnamon.

Don't tell me we only got that powdered stuff for cream again.

I hate that stuff.

Oh, that's good. Good, good.

You guys getting along all right?

Well, don't work too hard.

Okay. Bye.

So you guys seen...?

Sure you don't want some coffee?

All right, kid, here's the deal.

At any given time, there are around 1500 aliens on the planet,

most of them right here in Manhattan.

And most of them are decent enough.

They're just trying to make a living.

Cabdrivers. No, not as many as you'd think.

Humans, for the most part, don't have a clue.

They don't want one or need one either. They're happy.

They think they have a good bead on things.

But why the big secret?

People are smart. They can handle it. A person is smart.

People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals, and you know it.

Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe.

Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat.

And 15 minutes ago, you knew that people were alone on this planet.

Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

What's the catch? The catch?

The catch is, you will sever every human contact.

Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere.

Ever.

I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.

Hey. Is it worth it?

Oh, yeah, it's worth it.

If you're strong enough.

What's up, pops?

All right, I'm in because, look,

there's some next-level shit going on around here, and I'm with that.

But before y'all get to beaming me up, there's a couple things I want you to understand.

First off, you chose me, so you recognize the skills.

And I don't want nobody calling me "son" or "kid" or "sport" or nothing like that.

Cool? Cool. Whatever you say, slick.

But I need to tell you something about all your skills.

As of right now,

they mean precisely dick.

- Purpose of trip? - Diplomatic mission.

Duration of stay? Lunch.

Any fruits or vegetables?

Please meet your party outside the containment area.

You wanna stay away from that guy. He's, uh...

He's grouchy.

Three-hour delay in customs after a trip of 17 trillion miles

is gonna make anybody cranky, you know what I mean?

Hey, what branch of the government do we report to?

None. They ask too many questions. So who pays for all this?

We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated.

Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction.

That's a fascinating little gadget. It's gonna replace CDs soon.

I guess I'll have to buy The White Album again.

Oh. That is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator.

We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why.

Human thought is so primitive,

it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies.

That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? Huh?

Hey, what's this thing?

Okay, just be calm. Just be... Relax.

Okay... Ooh, watch your head.

Somebody get him some ice.

Look out. Move... Just move when it's coming at you.

Oh, damn. I will pay for that.

Oh!

This thing caused the 1977 New York blackout.

Practical joke by the Great Attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.

Sorry, y'all. It was a accident. Sorry.

Observation, the heart of our little endeavor.

Meet the twins, Blblup and Bob.

This map shows the location of every registered alien on Earth at any give time,

some of them under constant surveillance.

Everyone on those screens is an alien.

In public they're as normal as you are, but in private, well...

You'll get the idea.

Oh, man.

Doesn't make any sense, does it?

Well, no, it makes perfect sense.

When I was in third grade, everybody told me I was crazy,

but I knew our teacher had to be from, like, Venus or something like that.

Mrs. Edelson. It was Jupiter, actually. Well, one of the moons.

...revolve. Class, be quiet and pay attention.

If I have to tell you one more time...

Edwards. Let's put it on.

Put what on?

The last suit you'll ever wear.

You will dress only in attire specially sanctioned

by MIB Special Services.

You'll conform to the identity we give you,

eat where we tell you, live where we tell you.

From now on, you'll have no identifying marks of any kind.

You will not stand out in any way.

Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter.

Ow!

You are a rumor, recognizable only as déjá vu

and dismissed just as quickly.

You don't exist. You were never even born.

Anonymity is your name, silence, your native tongue.

You are no longer part of the system.

You are above the system over it, beyond it.

We're "them." We're "they."

We are the Men in Black.

You know what the difference is between you and me?

I make this look good.

We're gonna go for a little ride.

I'll put you down here for just a minute.

Then Daddy will be right back.

Okay, now we're ready to go for a little ride.

We're gonna meet one of Daddy's friends, and you're gonna like him.

Okay, let's see.

Bee, we've got the deposed Sir Prefect of Singalee

touching down on the forest outside Portland tonight.

- Humanoid? - You wish. Bring a sponge.

Here. Red letter from last night.

We had an unauthorized landing somewhere in upstate New York.

Kay, keep your ears open on this one.

We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

Well, well, well, we got a skimmer.

Landed alien out of zone. Who is it? Redgick.

He's not cleared to leave Manhattan, but he's way out of town right now,

stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Why don't you take junior here with you?

This is a good one for him to warm up on.

Go get him, tiger.

"We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger."

Zed. He just...

Unlimited technology from the whole universe

and we cruise around in a Ford POS.

Fasten your seat belt.

See, now, we got to work on your people skills.

You know, you'd get a much better reaction if you were a little more polite.

Fasten your seat belt, please.

Whoa, that was good. Did you hurt yourself? Oh!

Oh, the red button there, kid. Don't ever, ever touch the red button.

All right, bub, that'll be $72, then.

Okay, sweetie, let me pay the impolite driver.

Six is up.

Where is Ivan?

Gave him a break.

You can kill us both, but you will not find the Galaxy.

You're right about one thing.

You're not going anywhere, pal.

What's going on?

Hey, hey, hey, easy.

I'd like to see your license and registration, please.

Like to see your other license and registration, please.

All right, your resident-alien card has you restricted to the island of Manhattan.

Where are you going, Redgie? Well, it's my wife. She's...

Well, look.

Oh. All right. Okay, no big deal.

Okay, you come with me, Redge.

And you handle this. What? Me?

Yeah, it's easy. You just catch.

Are you sure he knows what he's doing?

He does it all the time. Let the man work.

Okay. Yeah.

Ooh! Kay. Oh... Damn, man. Kay? Something's peeking.

Croagg the midwife is at 54th and Madison.

You're headed out of town, Redgie. What's going on?

Well, we're meeting someone. Who you meeting?

Well, it's a ship. A ship?

I didn't see a departure clearance for today.

You didn't? No.

- Well, it's... Well, it's an emergency. - Kay! Kay!

You're doing fine, ace. What kind of emergency?

What's the rush to get off the planet all of a sudden?

We just don't like the neighborhood any more.

Some of the new arrivals. What new arrivals?

Does it have anything to do with the crasher from last night?

Excuse me, miss.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Kay, look. Oh, man.

Congratulations, Redge, it's a...

squid.

Kay, man.

You know, it's actually kind of...

...cute.

Anything about that seem unusual to you?

What would scare Redgick so badly

that he'd risk a warp jump with a newborn?

We'll check the hot sheets.

These are the hot sheets?

Best investigative reporting on the planet.

Go ahead, read The New York Times if you want to.

They get lucky sometimes. Thanks, Manny.

Cannot believe you're looking for tips in the supermarket tabloids.

Not "looking for."

Found.

Wait a minute, slow down. Why?

Give her time to get the wrong impression.

Makes things go a lot smoother.

Can I help you gentlemen?

Yes, ma'am, I'm Special Agent Manheim.

This is Special Agent Black of the FBI. We'd like to talk to you about your visitor.

You here to make fun of me too?

No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of.

May we come in?

Sure. Thank you.

Lemonade? Oh, yes, please.

The chief of police himself came up to the house and did a full-out professional investigation.

Took a police report and writ down everything I said,

from A to Z, not believing one thing I said.

Sort of poking fun at me. And they asked me,

"if he was murdered, how was he able to walk back in the house?"

I gotta admit to you, that one got me sort of stumped.

But I'll tell you something right now. I know Edgar, and that wasn't Edgar.

It was like something was wearing Edgar like a...

Like a suit...

an Edgar suit.

Dude was that ugly before he was a alien.

I'm sorry. Go on.

Anyway, I come to and he's gone.

Did he say anything? Yes. He asked me for some water.

Some, uh, sugar water. Sugar water?

Yeah, I remember that right, because I thought that that was odd

that he asked me for sugar water and not lemonade or ice water

or regular water or tap water.

All right, Beatrice. There was no alien.

The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO.

Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket

and refracted the light from Venus.

Wait... Wait a minute.

You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?

A standard-issue neuralyzer.

And that weak-ass story is the best you can come up with?

All right.

On a more personal note, Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend.

You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple of nights,

you're gonna get over it, and decide you're better off.

Well, yeah, you know, because he never appreciated you anyway.

In fact, you know what? You kicked him out.

And now that he's gone, you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's,

find yourself some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes.

You know, find somewhere that maybe you could get a facial.

And, oh, hire a decorator to come in here quick because, damn.

Yo, Kay, look, check it out, man.

When do I get my own flashy little memory-messer-upper thingy?

When you grow up. Mm. Okay.

Please, not green.

Oh, damn.

I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form

leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?

Oh, wait, that was on Final Jeopardy! Last night.

Damn, Alex said it was... Zed, we have a bug.

So, what? We don't like bugs?

Bugs thrive on carnage, tiger.

They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.

You were stung as a child, weren't you?

No, listen, kid, imagine a giant cockroach with unlimited strength,

a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper

is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit.

Does that sound like fun?

What's the move?

With the bug in town, we'll watch the morgues.

Where do you want Contestant Number 3?

Just leave it there.

What's with the cat? Oh, the cat.

Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.

What's the problem with the cat? It's your problem. Heh-heh.

I hate the living.

Shall we?

Oh, my God.

Whoa, buddy, what are you?

Subject was approximately 112 degrees at time of autopsy,

indicating an increase in body temperature.

Examiner tried to verify this rectally

only to find the subject was without a rectum,

which is, needless to say, really...

Weird.

I'm Dr. Leo Manville, Department of Public Health.

This is Dr. White.

You boys must not have much of a home life.

We watch the morgues very carefully, ma'am.

Tell me, do you have something unusual around here?

I'd say so. Triple homicide. Mm-hm.

The first body I opened up was pretty normal, except he was broken in half.

But when I opened up the other two, well...

Let me show you.

There's a skeletal structure at work here unlike anything I've ever seen before.

All right, I'll have a look at this one.

Dr. White, why don't you and Dr. Weaver check out the other body, please?

This way, doctor. This one's even stranger.

I did a full laparotomy.

I started with the lesser curvature of the stomach, but we could start

with the gastroesophageal junction, whichever you prefer.

Let's start wherever you started at.

Okey-dokey.

Oh.

- Is this your cat? - Guess it is now.

It came in with the body. Okay, dive right in.

I'm sure he won't mind.

Hm. You have really pretty eyes.

Thank you.

Okay, you feel that? Where the pyloric junction would be?

Push it aside.

Notice anything strange? Stomach, liver, lungs...

Nope, all fine. Doctor, they're all missing.

Of course.

Oh, you know, that's obviously the first thing I noticed.

Well, what I was pointing out

is the fact that there are no pieces of them left.

Yeah, you know, so they're intact,

wherever they are, whole somewhere.

That we can be sure of. Have we met before?

I'm having the strangest feeling of déjá vu.

Yeah, me too. Really?

Okay, do you wanna know what I really think? But don't tell that guy.

He looks like he's under enough stress.

See, I don't think this body's really a body.

I think it's some kind of transport unit for something else altogether.

The question is, what? Mm-hm.

Is this freaking you out?

No. Pssh! No, girl.

You know what I like to do sometimes when it's really late?

No.

Dr. White.

Um, excuse me.

What do you think? Very interesting.

She got a real queen-of-the-undead thing going on...

Of the body. Great body.

The dead body.

Man, you gonna have to go look at that thing.

Dr. White? You recognize him?

Yeah, he looks like the big guy I saw down at headquarters,

- only a little deader. - Dr. White.

What do you think killed him?

A bug? Dr. White.

You're up, slugger. Oh.

Look at this.

What the hell is that?

Must...

To prevent...

contest.

Okay, what are you trying to say?

To prevent...

To prevent struggle?

No. To prevent...

War?

...war...

the Galaxy...

is on Orion's...

be... Be...

- What is word? - Bed?

Belt? Orion's belt?

"To prevent war, the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

What the hell does that mean?

Doctor, uh... Whatever, come here.

Dr. Whatever?

Hey, you guys aren't really from the Department of Health, are you?

Rosenberg. Aw, damn.

The Arquillians are not gonna like this.

This guy was one of the royal family.

I knew it. This is an alien.

And you guys are from some government agency trying to keep it under wraps.

Look, he said, "To prevent war, the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

This makes total sense. How else do you explain New York?

The other day, I was in this cab, and this guy was...

"Galaxy on Orion's belt" doesn't make any sense.

Look, that's what the little dude inside the big dude's head said, right?

Right after... Damn, man. You did the flashy thing already.

Hey, whoever you guys are, you're gonna have to show me ID if you're gonna be in the morgue.

Oh, yes, of course, young lady. Have a look at this for me, please.

Would you stop that? What?

That thing is gonna give her brain cancer or something.

Never hurt her before. Look, we gotta get all the doors closed off.

Special Services will be here any minute.

"Never hurt her before"? How many times have you flashy-thinged that woman?

A couple.

So, what, you not worried about long-term damage?

A little.

Kay, have you flashy-thinged me? No.

I ain't playing with you, Kay. Have you ever flashy-thinged me?

No.

Look, Kay, I think I should be in charge of the flashy-memory-thing department.

Not while I'm around, ace.

You ain't gonna be happy till you fricassee somebody's brain out, man.

All right, we got two dead aliens.

And a deputy medical examiner needs a new memory.

Yes, sir.

Make it a happy memory.

Oh... Oh...

Where is it?

Will the owner of a blue warp-speed cruiser

please report to the front desk?

Hey, Zed.

Doesn't anybody ever get any sleep around here?

The twins keep us on Centaurian time. It's a 37-hour day.

Give it a few months. You'll get used to it.

Or you'll have a psychotic episode. Here's Orion.

It's a grouping of the brightest stars in the northern sky.

And here's Orion's belt. Right. That's what the little guy said:

"To prevent war, the Galaxy is on Orion's belt."

Junior, there are no galaxies on Orion's belt.

The belt is just these three stars. Galaxies are huge.

They're made up of billions of stars. You heard wrong.

Look, whatever, man. I know what I heard.

Pretty lady.

Uh-huh. Okay.

The grumpy guy's story is starting to come into focus a little bit here.

So you were the guy in that picture you showed me with the flowers.

Yeah.

And I take it she never got those flowers.

So, what, she ever get married or anything?

No.

Ah, well, you know what they say:

It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Try it.

Kay.

Take a look at this. My God, they're all leaving.

We've had 12 jump in the last hour.

Redgick was just the first.

What the hell do they know that we don't?

Why does a rat desert a ship?

Give me Lem Sat 4, please, with a proton induction thermoscan.

Thank you. Okay, Lem Sat 18.

All right, 4000.

That's an Arquillian battle cruiser.

And we've got a dead Arquillian prince.

And speak of the devil.

They sound pissed. Boys, translate that. Step on it.

Why don't you get down to Rosenberg's jewelry store and see what you can turn up?

Kay.

Give the kid a weapon.

Series 4 De-atomizer. Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Noisy Cricket.

Hey, Kay, no, no. Come on, man.

You get a Series 4 De-atomizer, I get a little midget Cricket?

Whoa, kid!

Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing.

Hey, this is my truck.

Yeah, and make sure you tell them that down at the impound.

Please.

Who breaks into a jewelry store and leaves all the jewels?

Somebody not looking for jewelry.

This guy had a serious crush on his cat.

Kay, get down.

Man.

That's him. That's the bug in the Edgar suit.

We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public.

Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit.

I don't know if you've forgotten, but there's a alien battle cruiser about to...

There's always an alien battle cruiser or a death ray

or an intergalactic plague that's about to wipe out life on this miserable little planet.

The only way these people get on with their happy lives

is they do not know about it.

And don't worry about the bug.

He's not leaving town. We got his ship.

Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Zed, we need a containment crew on Macdougal Street

south of Houston.

Containment may be a moot point, old friend.

The exodus continues.

It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets stuck with the check.

You sorry little ingrates.

What about the Arquillians?

We've only translated part of the message so far:

"Deliver the Galaxy."

They don't want much, do they?

Oh, it gets better.

They're holding us responsible.

Where do you keep your dead? I don't have any dead.

Where? I don't know.

The city morgue?

That's three for a dollar, sir.

It was some light, some light that refracted off of Venus

into some swamp gas, and that's what made the...

All right, kid. Excuse me. What's up?

The Arquillians want the Galaxy, whatever the hell that means.

We need help, a professional,

somebody with years of experience in intergalactic politics.

I just hope the little prick hasn't skipped town.

Can I have your attention, please? Thank you.

If you will gather over here...

That's right, move in closer. That's good. Thanks.

If you'll look right here, I'd appreciate it.

Thank you.

Now, that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's definitely an alien.

You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt.

You busy, Frank? Sorry, Kay, can't talk right now.

My flight's leaving in... Whoa!

Get your paws off me. Call the pound. We got a stray.

The dog owes my friend money.

Arquillians and bugs, Frank, what do you know?

I know nothing. Not a thing, huh? Okay.

Stop, stop, stop it. Okay, okay.

Rosenberg wasn't some two-bit Arquillian.

He was the guardian of a whole Galaxy.

They thought he'd be safe here on Earth.

And the bug had other plans.

The Galaxy is the best source for subatomic energy in the universe.

If the bugs get their slimy claws on it, kiss the Arquillians goodbye.

Ask him about the belt.

Rosenberg said something about a galaxy on Orion's belt. What's he talking about, Frank?

Beats me. Beats you.

No, no, no, not around.

They're rehearsing a ventriloquist act.

The Galaxy is here.

What do you mean, here?

Galaxy's hundreds of millions of stars and planets.

How's it here? You humans.

When are you gonna learn that size doesn't matter?

Just because something's important, doesn't mean it's not very, very small.

How small? Tiny. The size of a marble or a jewel.

Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta be walked before my flight.

All right, get out of here.

If the Galaxy's here, it's not on Orion's belt.

Kay.

Boy, when you want attention...

Orion. That's a pretty name.

What's this?

Wow.

Okay. Yes, good, thank you.

Thank you for making sure the bell works.

What's up, Farmer John?

A man came in here earlier. A dead man.

And that means what to me?

It was a very dear friend of mine.

I believe he had an animal with him.

It was a gift I gave him, a pet cat.

It means worlds to me. I'd like to have it back.

Okay, I'm gonna need a picture ID, written proof of ownership of the cat,

notarized proof of kinship with the deceased.

Don't do that.

Do what?

Don't do it.

Oh, man.

Look, Kay, why don't you let me handle this one?

What? All we gotta do is go in and get a cat.

It's not really that hard, but if you go in there,

you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain ray all in her face.

She gonna wind up with leukemia or some shit. The woman's a doctor.

She don't need you flashing away half her med-school classes.

Five minutes. Two minutes.

Where's the animal? I told you, I don't know.

Well, let's see if we can find it.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

How you doing? Hello.

I'm Sergeant Friday from the 26th Precinct.

A cat came in with a corpse the other day.

"Orion" on the nametag? Yes, that's right.

Right. Uh, well, this cat is a... A witness in a murder case.

I need to take him with me, ask him a few questions.

Well, I don't know where the cat is right now.

Oh, you don't?

No, but maybe you could take me with you instead.

Damn, you do start fast, don't you?

I'd really like to go with you. Now.

Uh-huh. And exactly why is that?

There's something I need to show you.

Slow down, girl, you ain't gotta hit the gas like that.

No, you don't understand. You really need to see this.

Oh, I Will, I Will.

I gotta drive. You know, it's not some macho trip.

I'm saying, that's just the way I get down.

Look, stud, you're really not getting this.

There's something I need you to help me with.

Freeze it, bug. Christ, you are thick.

Look, how was I supposed to know?

Do I have to sing it for you?

If you weren't coming on like some drunken prom date...

Oh, God. That is so typical.

Any time a woman shows the slightest hint of sexual independence...

How about we shut up? Let her go, shit-eater.

Listen, monkey boy, compared to you humans,

I'm on the top rung of the evolutionary ladder.

So can it, all right?

You're breaking my heart. Show me your face, and I'll cure all your ills.

You ever pull wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?

How far do you think you're gonna get without your ship,

if that's what you call that piece of space trash we got locked in the office?

- Put your weapons down. - Never gonna happen, insect.

It's okay, Laurel. How is it okay?

I'm saying it's gonna be okay. Don't bet on it, meat sack.

Let me go.

God, what the...?

Come on.

Take me here. No way.

Take me.

Hey. Come back!

He's in a cab.

Don't move, don't move. Don't move.

Hey, man, what? Whoa, whoa.

He's not leaving the planet in a cab. Let's go.

Come with me. Put up a bio-net all the way around Manhattan.

If it's not human, I don't want it to leave this island.

Yes, sir.

What do we hear from our friends upstairs?

"Deliver the Galaxy." The bug's got the Galaxy.

But we got his ship. He's gotta be looking for a way out.

Plutonic fusion detection.

Plutonic fusion detection.

What the hell are they shooting at us for?

Arquillian battle rules, kid.

First, we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot,

and then we have a galactic standard week to respond.

A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?

One hour.

One hour? Then what?

Aw, that's bullshit.

Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it,

the Arquillians will destroy that Galaxy.

And whatever planet it's on.

You're talking about us. Heh-heh. Sucks, huh?

I'm pulling up the location of every interstellar vehicle within a hundred miles.

Already did it. Frank the Pug took the last ship.

We got Sneden's Landing and Throg's Neck.

They're gone. We have Atlantic City.

Gone.

All right, Bayonne? Gone.

All right, there's Three Mile Island. Gone.

- Yo. - Staten Island.

Gone, thank God.

- Fellas. - We're running out of time.

If that bug gets off the planet with that Galaxy, we're all bug food.

Hey, old guys.

Do those still work?

- You're coming with me. - What?

It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.

Whoa! Ah! Ah!

Wait a minute, you're taking the tunnel?

You know a better way to Queens? Man, that thing's gonna be packed.

You remember the little red button? Yeah.

Push the little red button.

And you might wanna put on a seat belt.

Kay. Kay!

You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man.

You need to relax. Learn to take some joy in your work.

Do you like music?

That's better.

All right, now.

Ah, shit. Ah, man.

Kay. Kay!

You do know Elvis is dead, right?

No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.

You don't wanna eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet.

Like a queen.

A goddess, even. There are those who worship me.

I'm not telling you to try to impress you.

I'm just letting you know it could start a war.

Good, war. That means more food for my family.

All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Your Highness.

You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying here.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Roaches check in.

They don't check out.

Eight minutes to the destruction of Earth.

Eight minutes to destruction.

All right, we'll use pulsar level five with a subsonic implosion factor.

What?

Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three. One, two, three.

Oh, you idiots!

You don't get it. I've won.

It's over.

You're milk-suckers. You don't matter.

In fact, in a few seconds, you won't even be matter.

You're under arrest for violating Section 4153 of the Tycho Treaty.

So hand over whatever galaxy you might be carrying,

and step away from your busted-ass vehicle, and put your hands on your head.

Okay. Oh, I... I see.

I'll put my hands on...

On my head.

Like this?

Kay...

That did not go at all the way I planned.

Whatever happens, don't let him get on the second ship.

What? What are you talking about? Keep him on this planet.

Kay... Kay, where are you going?

I'm gonna get my gun back.

Hey. Hey, bug. Wait a minute, I'm talking to you.

You know how many of your kind I've swatted with a newspaper?

You're nothing but a smear on the sports page to me,

you slimy, gut-sucking intestinal parasite.

Eat me. Eat me!

Kay. Kay!

Hey!

What's up?

You're just gonna eat and run, huh? What about dessert? Ah!

Wha...?

That's it?

Where are you going? This party's just getting started.

Where you going?

Where you going? Ah!

Let me tell you something.

There's only one way off of this planet, baby, and that's through me.

Hey.

Where you going?

Why you running, huh? I'm still standing.

Come on, bring it. Come on, bring it.

Uh-oh. I'm sorry. Was that your auntie?

Then that must mean that that's your uncle, then, huh?

You know y'all look alike.

Well, well.

Big bad bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh?

See, what I can't understand

is why you gotta come down here, bringing all this ruckus,

snatching up galaxies and everything.

My attitude is, don't start nothing,

won't be nothing.

You need to ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.

Too late.

Zed, call the Arquillians. Tell them we have the Galaxy.

You got it, friend.

Going to get your gun back, huh? I like this gun.

Yeah, well, while you was in there playing around,

I was down here doing all the work.

You know, first I had to bean him in the head with this big rock.

Then I was gonna hit him with this 2-by-4.

He kicked me, and, you know, it hurt.

But then I got to the fire, you know. I was like "ah" with the fire.

Not bad for your second day of work, is it?

Well, this definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-0-meter.

You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.

Whoa.

I guess you weren't even alive in '68.

Interesting job you guys have.

Kay, um, look, I know we got these rules and everything,

but I was thinking, she did help us bust that bug.

Maybe we didn't have to flashy-thing her.

Kay, come on, man. What, who's she gonna tell?

She hang out with all dead people.

It's not for her. It's for me.

What?

They're beautiful, aren't they?

Stars.

I mean, I never look at them any more, but they actually are quite, um...

beautiful.

Uh, Kay, you're frightening your partner.

I haven't been training a partner. I've been training a replacement.

Wait a minute, Kay. I cannot do this job by myself.

Hey, guys, my apartment isn't anywhere near here.

It's not even on the same island.

Days... months... years.

Always face it forward.

Kay...

I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach, kid.

That's one of a hundred memories that I don't want.

See you around, Jay.

No, you won't.

Hey, Jay.

Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxium 9

wants floor seats for the Knicks-Bulls game.

All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.

Rodman? You're kidding. Nope.

Not much of a disguise.