Original subtitles

There is more to this atomic cloud than war and destruction.

Man's conquest of atomic energy also marks

the opening of a whole new industrial era.

Devoted to peaceful use, the value of harnessing this great force can be measured

in millions and will undoubtedly help us attain a glorious new prosperity.

I know an easier way to attain prosperity.

What's that, young lady?

Marry it.

Butterfingers.

Was that a knife you dropped? Uh-huh. Uh-oh, company's coming. Oh, I hope not.

We've only got three baked potatoes.

Well, that takes care of the kitchen. I just got the windows in the bedroom,

and I'll be all through, lady.

Okay, Mr. Clooney.

...to pass without any serious opposition from either the House or the Senate.

On the local scene, another major crime occurred

today in the swanky Midtown Park Avenue section.

The apartment of Mrs. J. Albert Reynolds in the Sweets

or Arms was ransacked... The Sweets or Arms?

That's in the next block.

The masked bandit made his getaway after slugging the doorman on duty.

This marks the third major crime within a week in this neighborhood,

and the police are redoubling their efforts to make an arrest.

A traffic accident on lower Broadway this afternoon...

Hi, girls.

Did you see the papers? There's been another holdup. We just heard it on the radio.

Well, it just isn't safe on the streets anymore.

Say, Mike, that's a great idea. It can fit right in your purse.

What can? That knife. It's good protection.

Just call me Mike McCall, fastest butter knife in the East.

I still think you both should have signed up for that judo course the way I did.

I took my first lesson today.

Loco, how do you think judo's going to help?

Yes. What if a man pointed a gun at you and said, your money or your life?

What are you supposed to do?

Besides run.

Oh, we learned that today.

When he points his gun at you, first you balance yourself on both feet.

Then you surprise him by grabbing his wrist and flipping him.

Loco, dear, I think you flipped.

Just give me my trusty butter knife anytime.

Look, we have a police force.

I don't think you ought to fight the crime wave single-handed.

What if the police aren't around?

Suppose that masked bandit broke in here and tried to rob us of everything.

The police! Loco! Just judoed Mr. Clooney, the window cleaner.

You mean he's the masked bandit?

What happened?

I thought she was gonna step into my bucket.

I just pointed my squeegee at her. Next thing I knew, whammo.

Goodness, and I thought it was a gun.

Oh, we're awfully sorry, Mr. Clooney.

These robberies around here have gotten us a little upset.

I'm terribly embarrassed, Mr. Clooney. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings.

That ain't what I landed on.

And to think my main worry used to be falling out of windows.

Loco, dear, you've really got to calm down.

Just because there have been a few robberies in the neighborhood,

let's not get carried away.

I could have sworn it was a gun. Well, come on, let's discuss it at dinner.

I've got an important business meeting. At night?

My firm handles the publicity for that new TV show, Who Am I?

I have to be at the producer's office at 9. It's a slight crisis. Gwen,

you don't intend to go out alone after dark, do you?

Don't worry, loco. If anyone pulls a gun on me,

I'll make believe they're a window cleaner and...

I guess you survived this trip, all right.

Oh, sure I did.

Roger, I don't get it.

I am Gene Ralston, internationally known ventriloquist, not an atomic spy.

Well, we just don't want anybody to know you're in town.

That's why we're meeting here at night when the building's empty.

But when you asked me to be a mystery guest on TV,

nobody said anything about this cloak and dagger business.

Look, Gene, the show's on a spot. For the past few weeks,

the identity of our secret celebrities have been leaking out.

The sponsor said if it happens once more, he's going to cancel the show.

That's right.

Okay, okay, I'm convinced.

Back on with the chin spinach.

Hey, this might even help my act. No one can see my lips moving.

You'll need more than that, Ralston.

Behave yourself, Mickey.

Oh, I have to.

I'm alone in here.

Well, now, what hotel am I staying at?

Oh, no hotel. We're not taking any chances on your being spotted.

Miss Kirby has made other arrangements.

That's right, Mr. Ralston. There's a vacant penthouse next door to my place,

and I've arranged for you to move in till after the show.

Yippee! Penthouse! Girls, we'll have a ball!

Now go on down.

A publicity girl living in a penthouse?

I must be in the wrong business.

I have two roommates, and we share expenses.

You didn't tell them that Gene Ralston's moving in, did you?

No.

Well, make sure they don't find out. I don't want anybody to know,

and that includes your roommates.

Now, let's have a drink on it. Will a highball be okay? That'll be fine for me.

Make mine wood alcohol.

Not me, him.

Jesse, do you have tomorrow morning's paper?

Oh, excuse me. Penthouse F is right over there, sir.

Thank you.

Who's that?

I don't know. He's using the apartment next to yours for a few days.

I don't like his looks. Don't you know anything about him at all? Not a thing.

He looks like a real criminal type. I'm scared.

Logo, you got nothing to worry about. I heard what you did to that window cleaner.

Oh, that was just an accident.

Well, don't worry. If you have any trouble with that guy,

all you got to do is light a match to his chin and start a brush fire.

But Jesse said he didn't know a thing about him.

That man might be the masked bandit.

He was so ferocious, he almost knocked me over.

Oh, come on now, local. Calm down. You wouldn't be so calm if you saw him.

Those two beady eyes and that awful beard.

Where's my judo book?

Don't tell me they have a chapter on beard grabbing.

I don't know, but I hope so.

Hi, girls. Gwen, we're in trouble.

That's ridiculous. We don't have to pay the rent for three weeks yet. No,

the most horrible man moved in next door.

What?

I bumped into him in the hall. He looks like a crook or even a murderer.

What's he talking about?

According to Loco, our new neighbor is a combination Jack the Ripper and Bluebeard.

Oh, no, his beard is brown.

Unless he died it. I think we should call the police. No, just a minute, loco.

Ever since these robberies started, you've been suspecting everybody.

The gentleman who moved in next door happens

to be a perfectly respectable businessman.

He's in lumber. How did you find out?

Jesse told me. Oh, that's funny. Jesse told me he didn't know anything about him.

Well, he must have just found out.

His name is Obermeyer, and he's in town on a business trip.

Oh, so you can relax now, local.

Oh, dear, I forgot to stop at the drugstore. I need some shampoo.

I'll be right back. Oh, it isn't safe to go out alone.

Wait, and I'll go with you.

No, no, Loco, never mind.

You want to borrow my butter knife?

Cut it out, you two.

I hope she'll be all right.

Oh, of course she will. The drugstore is only a half a block away.

Yes, I suppose. Oh, I just remembered. I'm all out of bubble bath.

Maybe I can still catch her.

What's the matter?

Quinn just went into that man's apartment next door.

But she said she was going to the drugstore. I saw her with my own two eyes.

And I had my glasses on, too.

Quinn's never done anything like this before.

Do you suppose this Obermeyer's a millionaire

and she's trying to keep him for herself?

If he's a millionaire, he made it stealing.

Believe me, Mike, I saw him, and he's a definite criminal type.

Well, you heard Gwen.

She said he's a lumberman.

Lumberman. Ha!

I'll bet he doesn't know the first thing about lumber.

Hiya, Gwen, baby. It's about time you came to visit me.

Say, let's get rid of this character and start neckin'.

That's the best offer I've had all day, Mickey, but I only have a minute.

Really, Mr. Ralston, I came here to warn you to be extra careful.

My roommate Loco was getting all kinds of ideas.

Oh, that must be the one that gave me the stare when I got off the elevator.

So, if there was a stare, why did you take the elevator?

Oh, be quiet. Oh, it's very dangerous. You'd be funnier than the boss.

It's awfully nice of you to go to all this trouble for our show, Mr. Ralston,

but I'm sure you realize how important it is

to keep it a secret that you're in town.

Oh, if I didn't, I guarantee you I wouldn't be wearing all this cabbage patch.

Well, I have to run along now.

Please take care, Mr. Raulston. You know, you are my responsibility.

The name is Jean.

All right.

Now, don't worry about a thing. Everything is going to turn out just fine. Oh,

Gwen, maybe after the show, you and I could go out on the town.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

It will be. Remember, I'm the ventriloquist. I am not made of wood.

Mr. Ralston, or should I say Mr. Obermeyer?

Bye-bye.

You want to know something, Mickey?

I'm beginning to like it here.

Oh, you're not made of wood.

You talk.

You shaggy dog. Hi.

What took you so long?

Oh, it was a little crowded.

Weren't you able to get your shampoo? Oh, yes. I'm trying a new brand.

What is it?

Essence of Obermeyer? What? Gwen, you shouldn't get involved with a man like that.

A man like what?

Loco saw you going to the next apartment. You

did? Yes, and I had my glasses on, too.

Well, Gwen, what do you have to say for yourself?

Girls, you'll just have to trust me.

I did go next door, but I can't tell you why.

Gwen, are you in some kind of trouble? No,

but I will be if you try to make something out of this. Now,

I can't discuss it any further because I'm

sworn to secrecy, so let's just forget it.

I'm going to bed. Night. Night.

I'm worried. She must be in trouble.

I know, but you heard her. We'll just have to trust her on this.

No, but I'm positive that Obermeier is a gangster.

Who knows?

He might be using Gwen for his mall.

That's mall, and forget it. Come on, let's go to bed.

All right.

He took off his beard! He took off his beard! I saw him! I saw him!

Who took off what? Mr. Obermeyer next door. I peeked over the terrace wall.

Now I know he's the masked bandit.

Sure, and he probably belongs to the same gang as the window cleaner.

Logo, your imagination's running away with you again. Now go on to bed.

But I saw him with my own two glasses.

Don't you believe me? You know what happens every

time you have lobster and ice cream for dinner.

I know, but this time it's different. I saw it.

I'm sure, I'm sure.

I... I think I'm sure.

I think I'm sure.

We coming, local?

No, my fashion show isn't until lunchtime.

Well, whatever you do, lay off the lobster.

I still think we ought to call the police. Will you do me a favor? Stop thinking.

Forget about Mr. Obermeyer. Make believe you never saw him. And whatever you do,

don't peek over that wall again.

You ready, Gwen? Mm-hmm.

Bye, honey.

Bye.

Have a nice day. Thanks.

I don't care. Gwen must be in trouble.

I've got to help her. Forget about Mr. Obermeyer. Make believe you never saw him.

That's funny.

I haven't had any lobster all morning.

Be right with you.

Oh, uh, hi, I'm Loco Jones, your next-door neighbor.

I just dropped by to... to, uh...

Be a little neighborly.

How do you do?

My name is... Overmire, Gwen told me.

She did.

You looking for something?

Oh, no, no.

I just wanted to see if you brought along any lumber.

Lumber?

Gwen said you were in the lumber business.

That's a good one, yes, lumber business.

Well, aren't you?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Come here, won't you?

Quite a place, isn't it?

Oh, yes, yes, it's lovely.

Must be something like your penthouse.

Oh, well, yes, but I think you have a better beard. I mean, beard.

What's the matter, Miss Jones? Don't you like to see a man wearing a beard? Hmm.

Well, I think if anybody wears a beard, it should be a man.

Yes, yes, of course.

Well, now, it's quite neighborly of you to drop in. Could I lend you something?

A cup of vermouth, perhaps?

Oh, no, no, thanks. Really, I...

Mr. Obermeyer, I thought you were living here alone.

Well, I am, I am.

You know how these hotel laundries will shrink things.

I don't understand. You mean to say that...

Hello? Good morning, Gene. This is Roger Morgan. How's everything going?

Oh, fine, fine.

It's quite a hideout you've got here.

Well, you'll only have to stay undercover till tomorrow.

Gwen will pick you up in the morning and bring you down to the studio.

You're still wearing that beard, aren't you? Yes, but it's murder.

No, don't worry. I'm sure we'll get away with it.

That's right.

See you tomorrow.

I'm awfully sorry, Miss... Miss Jones?

But I heard him say it. He's a murderer, and he's using the place for a hideout.

Loca, we've been going through this all evening. Forget it!

But the afternoon papers said they still haven't found the Park Avenue bandit.

I'm sure it's him. Loco, I'm telling you for the last time.

I know Mr. Obermeyer, and he's all right. There's

nothing to worry about. Now go to sleep.

But that... Go on.

I want a glass of water.

Watch it, Mickey. You better behave yourself.

Don't threaten me, you big bully.

I don't scare easy.

He's got a child in there. I'm a mean one. In fact, I'm so mean,

my parents ran away from home.

So don't push me around, Lippy.

Be careful, young man. One more crack like that,

and I might be forced to get rid of you. Now, time for bed, Mickey.

Back in the suitcase with you.

Girls, wake up, wake up! I didn't hear the alarm. Obermeyer's not only a murderer,

he's a kidnapper. Have you been out on that terrace again?

Yes, and the lucky thing, I was too.

He's got a little boy over there, and he's making him sleep in a suitcase.

I'm going to call the police before he suffocates.

Lo, stop. Put down that phone. But I really did see it,

and this time you have to believe me.

I had roast beef for dinner.

What is going on next door, Gwen?

You promised to trust me, and you'll just have

to. Believe me, my job depends on this.

You mean he's blackmailing you? No, no, it's nothing like that. Look,

I promise you, by this time tomorrow night, you'll know the whole story.

Remember our oath, all for one and one for all?

Would you please go along with me just this once?

But I still think you... I will, Gwen.

Well, I guess I will too.

Wonderful.

Now let's get some sleep.

But I don't know how I'll be able to sleep

thinking about that poor little boy in Mr.

Obermeyer's suitcase. Oh!

Oh, well, maybe he'll let him sleep with the top up. That's right, Mr. Morgan.

I'm going to get a taxi now. Gene Rawson's meeting me downstairs,

and we'll be at the studio in 15 minutes.

Good.

I want to get him there before anyone's around and stash him away till showtime.

This is one mystery guest who's really going to be a mystery.

Now, you're sure absolutely no one knows he's in town? Not even your roommates?

No, they don't suspect a thing. We'll see you then. Goodbye. Goodbye, girls.

I'm leaving. Goodbye.

Have a nice day. Bye.

I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I'm so worried. Well, don't be.

Gwen said she'd have an explanation for us by tonight.

But will Mr. Obermeyer wait until tonight? That poor little boy. Relax, honey.

Hello, operator. Give me the police department.

Quick, it's an emergency. What's the matter?

Hello, police department. This is Loco Jones, Tower Apartments, Park Avenue.

I want to report a murder. Loco!

Yes, the murder.

What have I done? What has Mr. Obermeyer done? You should have seen it.

I can't believe it.

I think I'm going to faint.

Well, you better not faint until you tell me what's going on here.

I was looking out the front door. Mr. Obermeyer came out of his apartment,

put his suitcase down and went back in.

I sneaked out and opened the suitcase.

I looked in it.

It was horrible. Honey, I don't care what you saw.

You promised Gwen not to interfere. Now,

I want you to take this phone and call the police

back and tell them it was all a mistake.

How can I do that? Tell them anything. Tell them you

had lobster for dinner. No, Mike, I really saw it.

If you don't believe me, I'll show you.

Local, I promised Gwen I would.

I just got to show you.

Stop him!

Stop that murderer!

It's him!

He's got a body in that suitcase! We've got to stop him!

He's a murderer! Look, Miss Jones!

His beard does come off. It's Gene Ralston.

The ventriloquist.

Mr. Ralston! All right, stand by. Who's Miss Jones?

I am. Stop the murder. Yes, sir. That's him, right here.

Say, aren't you Gene Ralston?

He is.

Right now, I'm not so sure.

Where's the suitcase with the body?

It's over there, right in back of you. Officer, there hasn't been any murder.

This is all a ridiculous mistake. But I saw it.

Is this what you saw, lady?

I can't look. It's too horrible. Hey.

It's Mickey Nolan. Is this the body you reported, Miss Jones?

Well, I guess so.

What is all this? A publicity stunt? No, just the opposite.

I'm tonight's mystery guest on Who Am I?

And we were trying to keep it a secret.

This will probably cost me my job.

Well, Miss Jones, what have you got to say for yourself?

Move over, Mickey.

Looks like I'm the real dummy here.

Thank you, Mike.

That was a stroke of genius, Gwen. It made last night's show the best of the year.

Don't give me all the credit, Mr. Morgan.

If those newspaper boys hadn't cooperated, we'd have been dead.

But it was your idea, and the way you handled it.

Getting him to keep Ralston's name out of the papers and

refer to him only as the mystery guest on Who Am I?

You got us our highest rating of the season.

Congratulations, honey.

Come on in. The door's open.

I know one thing. I'm tearing up my judo book.

The police can catch the masked bandit. I'm through suspecting anybody of anything.

Hi, girls. Did you see the latest extra? They caught the masked bandit. Who was he?

That guy she clobbered. It was Clooney, the window cleaner. Congratulations, local.

You had him tabbed all the time.

Oh, my God!

THE END