Original subtitles

This is fabulous Las Vegas, where fortunes are won and lost on the turn of a card,

the spin of a wheel, the roll of the dice.

That's the place for me.

Really? How can you be sure you won't be one of the losers?

Not me. I've got a system.

And what's that, lady?

Very simple.

Marry one of the winners.

Hey, what's the idea, Mike? The good guys were winning.

Oh, now, don't worry. They'll still be winning an hour from now.

But the show will be off the air. Honey, they'll be winning on some other show.

Well, now, tomorrow's Monday,

and we've got to have our board meeting and sign the household jobs for the week.

See now, last week I cleaned the living room and I did the cooking and shopping.

I made the beds and took care of the laundry.

I washed the dishes. Right.

Now this week we're going to change around.

Loco, you do the dishes.

Gwen, you do the... Wait a minute.

I've done the dishes almost every week since we've lived together.

What a wonderful job you've done too, loco. That's right.

We have three dishes without cracks in them. You can fix that this week.

Crack those three and we'll have a perfect set again.

I'm not going to keep on doing the dishes.

I've got dish pan hands. Clear up to my elbows.

Well, it's the latest thing, local. That's all they're showing in Paris.

Rough red hands for m'lady.

No, I want to do something interesting for a change. Like what?

Well, maybe I could do the shopping and cooking this week.

You prepare our meals? That's out.

Why? Because we're too young to die, that's why. All right, local,

maybe you should have a different job.

How about cleaning the living room?

Think of all the fun you can have sweeping everything

under the rugs and breaking the lamps,

scratching the furniture. No.

All right, you can bring the newspaper in every morning.

How's that? Well, that's not a real job.

You can make it important. Carry it in your tea.

You're just trying to make it sound like fun, so I won't do the cooking.

Loco, you can't cook for us. Yes, I can.

It's my turn to do the cooking. I know my rights. I'm a citizen.

You live here, too. Are you prepared to eat your own cooking?

Care to give up your citizenship?

This is a democracy, and I deserve a chance.

Well, you've heard of men laying down their lives for democracy.

Now it's the women's turn.

There you are.

So long, pal. And if anything happens, write to my folks. You do the same for me.

Wow!

How is it?

Oh, it's not bad.

If you don't take it internally.

Well, it's very good for you. I even threw in some carrots for vitamin C.

It's good for your eyesight. In this case, I'd rather not see what I'm eating.

This stuff even makes water taste bad. Loco, please give up the cooking.

Oh, but this is only my first meal.

I'll get a cookbook. I'm gonna finish out this week if it's the last thing I do.

Honey, if you finish out this week, it'll be the last thing any of us do.

Just a pinch of baking soda.

Nice to meet you.

Hello. Well, good day.

Going up, please. Hi, Jesse. Hi, local.

Hello. Hello.

If you don't mind my saying so, miss,

but them are some mighty pretty artichokes you've got there. Thank you.

Got any special way of fixing them?

Well, I, uh... Do you?

Well, I usually cut out the hearts first.

What a cruel thought.

I don't get you.

What do you do with them?

Well, I have my own special recipe.

Artichokes a la... A la what?

A la who?

Just a la...

Bye. Bye, Jesse.

Party chokes.

Chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. No!

Why couldn't you have stayed in the egg? I don't

know how to cook those either. Oh, hello.

How to do?

I hope I'm not disturbing you. Oh, not at all. Come on in.

Agnes, I'm Mr. Stockton's housekeeper. We folks just moved in last week. Well,

welcome to the 22nd floor.

Thank you. I'm Loco Jones. Oh, mighty pleased to meet you. Likewise.

Uh, Miss Jones, I hope you don't think I'm being too forward,

but back in the elevator,

you were saying something about a special way to fix artichokes.

I did?

Well, it's really nothing.

Mr. Stocking, he sure loves them artichokes.

That's the reason I'm always trying to find new ways to fix them.

Well, it's really very simple. First, you take

them out of the bag. Yeah, I'm with you, honey.

Then... You boil them.

Oh, that's right, you boil them.

With a little salt, maybe? No.

You boil the salt separately. Come again.

Then, after they're boiled, you sprinkle them lightly.

With what?

Oh, just lightly.

Then, you spread them with butter and boil them for ten minutes on each side.

Then, you...

Oh, what's the use?

What's bugging you, honey?

Oh, I don't know the first thing about artichokes. I'm no cook.

I don't even know how to fry an egg.

I couldn't even fry water.

That's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, think how I feel.

In an hour or so, my roommates will be home,

and I'm supposed to have dinner ready for them.

I'll serve it to them, and they'll stick up their noses in the air and laugh at me.

Well, that's woo.

Just once I'd like to serve them a good dinner.

You know, something light and fluffy and airy and tasty.

Oh, just once.

That's all I ask out of life.

Well, I guess I better be getting back to my own kitchen.

Miss Jones, you look like you're pretty smart.

I do?

Yes. You can learn how to cook, honey.

Thousands of folks do it every day. Now look.

Let me whip up something for you, and you watch every move I make, and then later,

you can do it for yourself.

Oh?

Do you think?

It's worth a try, ain't it? The way things are now, you ain't getting no place,

and in a big hurry. Now, come on, let's get together

here. All right, so, get some water.

Mmm.

That was beautiful. Yeah, Loco. How did you do it? Oh, what's so hard about cooking?

Thousands of women do it every day. It's only a matter of intelligence.

Exactly. What method did you use?

That's a fine thing to say after I've spent hours bending over that hot stove. No,

honey, I was only kidding. You're a genius. Yes.

You keep this up, and they'll soon have Penthouse G listed with the diner's club.

Well, I just wanted to prove to you I can cook. And as far as I'm concerned,

you can go right on proving it. From now on, you

can do all the cooking. That goes for me, too.

I just sneaked out a minute. How did you make out? They loved it.

You didn't tell them nothing, did you, honey?

Agnes, I'm so grateful to you.

Here, I want you to have this.

This is mighty generous.

Anytime you want me to help you again, you just say the word. Not tomorrow. What?

That's the word.

They're expecting me to keep up with the good work.

Honey, I just can't spend my time over here. I'm supposed

to be cooking for Mr. Stockton. That's my job.

Well, can't you cook for me, too? What are you serving him tomorrow night?

Oh, maybe chicken.

Can you give me half of it?

Half of Mr. Stockton's chicken?

You're kidding me.

Well, if he says anything, tell him it got in a fight.

Miss Jones, I can't be cooking for you and Mr. Stockton at the same time.

It just won't work. I'd be willing to pay you.

Come to think of it.

Why wouldn't it work? Now you're cooking!

Hi, Gwen.

My, guess who I just met in the elevator? Our new neighbor. Male or female? Male.

Well, keep talking. Well, Jesse introduced us. Ready?

It's Herbert J. Stockton. I don't think I know any.

Wait a minute.

Herbert J. Stockton, Stockton Industries?

Uh-huh. Oh, Gwen, you've got to ride the elevator more often. But, Mike,

he's handsome. Never mind that.

Let's see what Dunham Bradstreet, the girl's best friend, has to say. Stockton,

Stockton, here it is. Herbert J.

Oil, magnesium, lumber, steel. Herbie Boy's a millionaire, all right,

and the best kind of millionaire with money. Jesse said he's so loaded,

even his piggy bank pays taxes.

Now for a plan. Let's get this operation into orbit. What's the first move?

We blast off tomorrow night.

I invited him to dinner.

How wonderful. Loco, be right there.

Do you think the little princess can handle it? Are you kidding?

After the meal she's been giving us?

Do you want me?

Loco, I've got some great news. We're having a guest for dinner tomorrow night.

A guest? Well, I don't know if we'll have enough.

It's Herbert J. Stockton, our neighbor.

Huh?

We'll have enough.

Now, Loco, this is important. We've got to give him a millionaire-type meal.

Don't worry. He'll get what he's used to.

Gwen, I've got to hand it to you. It was a stroke of genius inviting him. Well,

he's new in the building. It was only the navel-y thing to do.

Absolutely. And besides, he told me tomorrow is his cook's day off.

Well, that's the best reason in the world. What?

Loco, have you got any ideas for tomorrow night's

menu? Yes, what are we having? Well, I don't know.

What goes good with arsenic?

Floco, aren't you coming to bed? It's late.

Oh, I'll be in soon. I'm just going over my cookbook for tomorrow night.

Decide on anything yet?

Yeah.

But it's too dangerous.

Nothing.

What's the matter, honey?

I can't do it.

I just can't go through with that dinner tomorrow night.

What are you worried about, Loco?

All you have to do is serve one of those wonderful meals you've been giving us.

Oh, he gets food like that all the time. Hey, why don't I try something different?

Like what?

Well, I could run down to Lumpong's and get a whole big bag of that chow mein.

Chow mein for a millionaire?

Well, we'd get fortune cookies, too.

Now, Loco, let's not be ridiculous. All right, then.

How about cold cuts?

Cold cuts?

Yeah, with hot coffee.

You know, sort of a balanced meal.

I wish I could say as much for the cook.

I just can't go through with that dinner tomorrow night.

Loco, why don't you get a good night's sleep?

I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning.

Not if I wake up.

I wish I could, honey. But I promised my sister I'd help her look for an apartment.

She's moving next week. Oh, if you don't help me, I'll be moving tomorrow.

Oh, please, Agnes. Well, why don't I just give you a kind of easy recipe?

With me, there are no easy recipes.

I can ruin bread and butter.

All right. But all I can do is to fix as much of the dinner as I can before I leave.

Then I try to get back early and finish the cooking. Oh, Agnes, would you?

Us cooks got to stick together, honey.

I'll never forget you for this as long as I live.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yeah.

Don't.

As far as I'm concerned, the best restaurant in Paris is Maxime's.

I brought back some of the recipes for Agnes. Loco might like to see them.

Oh, believe me, she has so many of her own, she wouldn't know what to do with them.

Has she ever made beef bourguignon?

Only the greatest. We had it the other night.

So did I. Now I'm really looking forward to dinner.

Can you give me a little advance information?

Well, Loco never tells us till she's ready to serve.

We're not even allowed in the kitchen while she's cooking.

She's a little late tonight. Maybe I better just go and have a peek.

Loco, how we doing? Loco.

Coco, aren't you ready yet?

Mike, I asked you not to come into the kitchen

while I'm cooking. You know it upsets me.

Excuse me, but I just wanted to know when dinner would be ready.

Can I have a taste?

Not till it's on the table. Now out, please.

OK, but hurry it up, will you? We're starved.

I find there's one thing you can't cheat on when it comes to food, and that's time.

Well, I was wondering when you'd join the party.

Oh, I can't stay. I must get back to the kitchen.

Oh, I have to watch a dinner like this every minute.

What's that?

While you're waiting, you might like some hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres? Naturally.

Who ever heard of potato chips as a main course?

Thank you.

As a rule, I don't like to get started on these, but I love them. The trouble is,

I never know when to stop. Then I'm too full to eat dinner.

Really?

Do you have any time?

Loco, isn't dinner ready yet?

Oh, can't be much longer now, can it? Loco, it's almost

nine o'clock. Well, just a few more minutes.

On the continent, nobody ever eats before ten.

Here, let me freshen up that martini for you.

Oh, dear, what have I done? My important flight is ruined.

I'll have to call off the dinner. I can't go on.

Call it off, I said.

And there it was, lying on the floor of the oven, my beautiful souffle.

Collapsed!

Oh, what a shame. We'll just have to get along without it, I guess.

What?

Get along without it?

Oh, you're not serious, Mike. Sure I am. We'll have something else for dessert.

We'll open a can of peaches, or we'll say... Absolutely not!

That souffle was part of the dinner. Now the whole thing is ruined.

Oh, I can't go on. Part of me just died in there. Well,

part of us has been dying in here of starvation.

Uncle, you go out in that kitchen and finish that dinner, or so help me, I'll...

Look, there's no sense in getting all upset about this.

Loco's obviously a very sensitive type of cook, and... Oh, I knew you'd understand.

Herb.

I'll take a rain shake. Tonight, let me take you all out to dinner.

What a beautiful idea.

No, we couldn't think of it. We invited you.

Nonsense. We're all neighbors. We understand each other.

I'll just stop by my apartment, get my hat and coat.

We invite a million dollars to dinner, and you get a case of hysteria.

I can't help it. I take my cooking seriously.

And unless a meal is perfect in every little detail, it's not worth serving.

Oh, about her. Not so long ago,

she was serving us food that tasted like southern fried horse blankets. Well,

I've learned a lot since then.

Look, Gwen, it might still be all right. Mr. Stockton seemed to understand.

We have no choice now anyway.

Let's get our rafts.

Loco, did you turn the gas off under the rest of the dinner?

I'll check it. Oh, no, no, no. Let me. I'll do it.

I wonder where we're going for dinner.

Is everything OK, Loco? Well, no, it isn't.

What's wrong?

When I saw all that food out there a minute ago, I felt terribly guilty.

About what?

Well, I've gone to all this trouble, Look at it this way.

Who am I to deprive three people of a beautiful

meal just because my souffle collapsed?

I think she's flipped. You've changed your mind you're willing to serve the meal?

She's flipped.

Agnes, what are you doing at home?

Well, I finished early with my sister,

and I thought I'd get a head start on tomorrow's dinner.

Tomorrow's dinner. I see.

Agnes, when will this be done?

It's just about finished now, boss.

Good. I'll have it tonight.

Tonight?

Set the table for four.

And please hurry, Agnes. We're all very hungry.

But you were feeling so upset about the souffle.

I was wrong, Mr. Stockton.

It's just that I'm too much of a perfectionist, I guess. After all,

we did invite you. That's right, and you are going to be our guest. Now,

you go right back and tell Agnes not to bother that you're having dinner with us.

All right, I guess not.

Okay, girls, battle station.

Well, Loco, what are you waiting for? Go. Oh, no, it can't be.

I can't go through with it.

I thought I could do it, but I can't.

I just saw that poor little souffle lying there like a flat tire,

and I realized that there was... Will you stop worrying about the souffle?

We'll get a bicycle pump. We'll blow it up for

you again, but go! She doesn't need locals.

You said we could have Stockton for dinner,

and that's exactly what we're going to do. Now, you take your choice.

Either you serve him what's out in the kitchen, or

we'll serve him something else. Something else?

Your head on a platter with parsley draped over your ears.

Get out in that kitchen and start making like Oscar of the Waldorf.

Go!

We'd better go see if we can stall Mr. Stockton.

Oh.

Well, fancy meeting you here.

Mr. Stockton, we have a slight problem.

The dinner?

Well, you know the souffle didn't turn out right, and you know...

Loco. Please don't apologize. You girls will have dinner with me.

No, we invited you. Remember, we insist you have dinner with us.

But my cook has everything prepared.

I'll just go and get home.

No, you must have dinner with us.

Please, we'll discuss it no further. It's all settled.

All right, you're going to be our guest.

Yes, sir.

Well, what can you do, Gwen? That's the way it goes.

Well, I guess we've seen the last of Herbert J. Stockton.

Unless we meet him in the hall or the elevator. In which case,

he'll probably start the conversation with goodbye.

Well, at least Loco finally got the cooking problem solved.

Loco, it's almost 11 o'clock. Hurry up, we're hungry.

Who gets the corned beef on rye with mustard?

That's mine, honey!