Original subtitles

Trading Posts, crude forerunner of America's greatest mercantile establishments.

Vast modern department stores worth millions.

But a girl can't spend 75 years building a business.

Know any shortcuts to those millions?

Oh, I know a darling shortcut.

Marry him.

Broke again. Let's put it this way.

I'd have to float alone to weigh myself on a penny scale. Gee,

isn't it awful to be broke?

Just when we don't have any money. I mean, I...

Oh, well, let's have some lunch. I'm starved.

Why do you think I'm looking for money?

Our cupboard makes Mother Hubbard's look like a supermarket.

Hi, loco. Hi.

Did you find anything in the refrigerator? Yeah, ice.

Loco, how do you manage to lug this duffel bag of yours around all day? Oh,

I've got strong boyfriends.

Hey, have you got any mad money in there? Oh, gee, I don't know. Let's see.

A seasoned box to the baseball game?

You a baseball fan?

Well, just temporarily. I mean, it's my Uncle George's.

He's in Florida on business. He sent it to me.

He should have sent you a ham sandwich.

Now, Greta, don't knock our national pastime.

We're practically on our way to the ballpark right now. Well, it's okay with me,

Mike, but I don't even understand the game. I've never seen one.

Well, I've only gone once. Shake hands with an expert. I've been twice.

We've got a very important contact at the ballpark. Remember that Jerry Smith,

the tall, rangy, athletic kid who used to run the elevator?

Don't tell me he's a baseball player now. Better than that.

He sells hot dogs at the ballpark.

Excuse me, do you know Jerry Smith?

Sure, tall, rangy kid.

That's the one. Where can I find him?

Well, you're best bet as to walk in that direction and keep

right on walking till you reach the unemployment office.

Well, that was a quick lunch.

Keep them lying inside, you hear? Stop feeding them!

Stop feeding?

How inane can you be?

Got a hot dog, Sid.

Coming up.

To listen to him, you'd think he owns the socks.

He does. That's Dan Fling you're talking about.

The Park Avenue Dan Flynn, the millionaire sportsman Dan Flynn,

the recently divorced Dan Flynn.

Hot dogs get you hot.

Nice going, Duke.

Beautiful scoop-up, Duke. That's the old put-out Duke, old boy. Nice going, Duke,

old sock, old pal, old kid, old thing.

Well, nice to see that there's someone besides

me who cheers for the Sox and Duke Burness.

That's the old ticket, Dookie boy!

Correction, besides me and Walt.

That's the old ticket, Dookie boy! Oh, you mean the one with the high-five voice.

That's him, Duke Vanessa's cousin.

He travels with Duke the last month of the season.

If only Duke were hitting the way he really can.

What's the matter?

The hot dog.

I've been eating it.

Did you have any other plans for it?

Yours.

I was supposed to pass it to you.

I see. An intercepted pass. Now, you finish it. Let's try another Ariel.

Uh, Sid!

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm with my two girlfriends,

and I wouldn't want to eat without them.

Okay. We'll invite them to our party.

Uh, will you join your friend and me in a hot dog?

A hot dog?

What a quaint idea.

Might be interesting.

After all, what's a baseball game without hot dogs?

An American.

And that's the way it's been for the last three years.

Duke starts hitting like a house of fire, the team is way out in front,

and then in the last month... Duke breaks a leg?

No, but he might just as well.

He goes into a batting slump and the team winds up in second place.

That's Duke coming up to bat now. I'll show you what I mean.

Come on, Duke, get hold of one.

Come on, Duke, old sock, old pal, old thing.

See what I mean? A lousy papa.

Well, that's the ball game.

Well, anyway, thanks for the perfectly divine hot dogs.

My pleasure.

Look, why don't you girls join me for dinner?

Oh, we'd love to, but Greta and I have made other plans.

Well, how about you?

It may not be much fun for you, but it may keep me from jumping out of a window.

Well, if it'll keep you from jumping, I'd love to.

If you girls will excuse us, we'll shoot out the back way.

My car's parked at the clubhouse.

Poor guy. He sure seemed depressed.

Hope he doesn't have a penthouse.

Relax.

Did you notice the way he was looking at Loco? If

he does any appalling, it's gonna be for her.

Let's go.

Coco, aren't you ready yet? Dan will be here to pick you up any minute. So what?

All he ever does is take me to the ball game.

I'm getting sick of hot dogs.

Besides that, he told me last night that if

his team doesn't cop the pennant this year,

he's going to sell it and go on a tour around the world.

Well, what's wrong with around-the-world honeymoons?

You don't understand.

He'll go alone to rest his nerves.

Now I'm beginning to worry about Duke's batting slump.

That Duke.

If I didn't like him so much, I'd hate him.

Wait a minute. I think I've got an idea on how

to solve Duke's batting problem. Really?

Hello?

Yes, she'll be right down. It's Dan.

You get going and leave Duke and his batting slump to us. Okay, kids.

Maybe I'll come up with an idea, too.

Now, now, don't exhaust yourself.

Get me the Eastgate Hotel, please. Come on, give. Greta, I've got the greatest idea.

Believe me, this can't possibly... The Eastgate Hotel?

Give me Duke Burness, please. Listen, this can't miss.

Duke?

This is Mike McCall, Loco's friend, remember?

That's right.

Look, Greta and I have something terribly important to talk over with you.

Could you drop by on your way to the ballpark today?

Fine.

The Towers, that's right.

You telling me all the trouble I'm having with my batting is mental?

Mental.

You mean I'm nuts?

No, Duke, you're just brooding too much.

You've got something on your mind.

Girl trouble.

No.

Money trouble?

No.

Family trouble?

No.

Contract problems.

Waiting for pay TV.

No, I'm just in a slump.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Must be just a simple case of over-anxiousness.

Right.

Duke, you've got to learn to relax. Forget about baseball.

Maybe you're right.

I'll just put baseball right out of my mind.

That's the idea.

I won't even think about my darned old batting slump.

Now you're talking.

I'll just forget about how the team is trailing in second place in economy.

Just forget it.

I won't even think about how disappointed Mr. Flynn is in me,

and how the fans boo every time I come to bat, and... Oh, I wish I was dead.

Now, you listen to us, Duke. We're your friends,

and we believe you're the best hitter in baseball. You've got to believe it, too.

Oh, I do. I believe it.

But I'm in an awful slump right now.

Gosh, you don't believe hard enough, Duke. Now, repeat this.

I'm the best hitter in baseball.

I'm the best hitter in baseball.

Louder.

I'm the best hitter in baseball.

With feeling.

I'm the best hitter in baseball.

That's the stuff, Duke. Now, who's the best hitter in baseball?

Me!

Right!

So why can't I get a hit?

Three balls and two strikes in the dueling. The pitcher winds, he throws.

What are you turning it off for?

I'm gonna shake that hillbilly out of his slump if it kills me.

And that might be just the way to do it.

You're beginning to sound like our roommate.

Don't you remember that scene in the Babe Ruth picture?

That sick kid asking Babe to hit a homer for him, just for him,

and Babe promising to do it in the next game, and then hitting two?

So, where do we get a sick kid?

Well, I may not be a kid anymore, but... Okay, you're elected.

How do I look?

Beautiful. If you were to drop dead right now,

the Undertaker wouldn't have to do a thing for you.

Loco, what is that for?

Oh, I don't know, but in the movies, the doctor always says, hot water quick.

Now, places, everyone.

Let's not take any chances.

Mike, I came running as soon as I heard about it. What happened?

It's nothing, Duke.

I'll be all right.

All right, she says.

She has a rare tropical disease.

I caught it last year up in Alaska.

Heart disease in Alaska?

Well, that's what makes it so rare.

But she said last year.

Well, it's recurrent.

You see, whenever she gets to worrying, she gets run down,

and if she doesn't stop worrying soon...

But what's she worrying about?

Well, knowing Dan Flynn and how much the pennant means to him,

you and your batting slump.

Oh, now that's mighty nice of you, but really, you don't have to worry about me.

Silly.

Every time you strike out, she... If you don't snap out of it soon,

it'll be too late even for the doctor.

Yeah, already he's making her pay on her way into the office.

You mean if I started hitting the ball again, you'd really stop worrying, Mike?

You'd better, or there'll be no use even going to the doctor.

We'll have to send her straight to the undertaker. You know,

eliminate the middle man.

Well, then you're practically on your feet again, Mike.

Because from this minute on,

I'm going to knock everything they throw up to me clear out of town.

You are?

You're better already.

Hey, break clean, Dookie boy.

Remember, you're in training.

Wally! They told me I could find you here,

and I knew you'd be down in the dumps after today's disaster,

so I came over to cheer you up.

Well, introduce me to your little playmate, you dog, you.

Sure, Wally, only I ain't down in the dumps no more. Oh,

this here's my cousin Wally, and that's Mike McCall and Greta Hansen and Loco Jones.

How do you do?

Charmed, I'm sure.

So you're the great Wally.

Well, I see the Duke's been telling you about me.

Well, I can't blame him. I taught him everything

he knows about baseball, right, Dookie boy?

You sure did, Wally.

Wally, I'm going to step into that batter's box and... Why,

when I took him in hand, he didn't know one end of the bat from the other, right?

Sure, Wally, but we were only three years old then.

Now I know what your trouble is, Duke. You're a slow learner.

Well, that is right, Dookie boy. You always were a little backward at things.

But now me, I'm different, right? Right.

Who was the only one in his class who got nothing but straight A's? You did, Wally.

Right. And who was the only one in his class that shaved?

Right again, you.

Now, what were you saying you're going to do at the ball game tomorrow, Dookie?

Oh, well, I'm going to step into that batter's box, and I'm going to...

I'm gonna go back to the hotel and lie down for a while.

I don't feel so good.

See? I turn my back on the kid for one minute, and what happens?

He comes down with something.

Poor Duke. I wonder what's the matter with him.

He has a rare tropical disease. Cousin Wally-itis.

But I still don't get it.

Look, Loco, I'll explain it to you slowly. For the past three years,

Duke has always been the batting champ of the league, right?

Then in the last month of the season, just when

Cousin Wally shows up, disaster always strikes.

Oh, but that's silly.

Duke thinks Cousin Wally's a great guy. He hasn't got an enemy in the world.

He doesn't need enemies. His friends hate him.

Your Uncle George is going to get rid of Wally for us.

Uncle George?

But he's down in Florida looking over some property he bought.

Well, you'll be happy to learn that Uncle George has just found oil on his property.

I don't know how.

He hasn't even found the property yet.

Just write his address down on this paper.

Now, have you got the idea?

There's Wally now. Just play it by ear, local. Yeah, ear, not mouth.

Just sit there and look wise.

Oh, it's so nice to see you, Wally. Sit down and have a cup of coffee.

Well, I don't mind if I do.

It's terribly sweet of you to respond so quickly to our call for help.

Oh, think nothing of it. After all the practice I've had with Duke,

helping people just comes natural now.

Well, what's it all about?

You see, Loco's Uncle George has always been interested in truck farming,

so he bought a piece of property in Florida by mail.

Stop!

Let me finish the rest of the story.

He got taken, right?

How did you know?

It's the oldest story in the world.

Now look here, kids. In the real estate game,

there are a lot of sharpies with an eye out for the suckers.

How'd he get taken? Was the land underwater or filled with rocks?

Worse than that.

Every time he tries to sink a water well, nasty black goo comes bubbling up.

Good gracious, Wally, what happened?

A nasty black goo, huh?

In Florida?

Not only black and gooey, but smells like tar, too.

Smells like...

Yeah, it sounds like Uncle George got taken, all right.

What does he figure on doing about it?

Well, as you can imagine, the poor man is just sick about the whole thing.

So we were wondering if you might take it off his hands.

Naturally, he's prepared to take a loss.

Yes, sir. I might just be able to help Uncle George out of his pickle.

Here's his address.

Wally, you're a lifesaver.

Forget it. That's what friends are for. Right, kid.

Well, I guess I'd better catch the next plane for the Land

of Oranges and take a look at Uncle George's lemon.

See you later, alligator.

He'll be seeing alligators sooner than he thinks.

Cheer up, Dan. Your troubles are over.

Ah.

Duke Burness used to be the spark plug of the team, right?

Right.

And the team began losing when the spark plug fizzled out, right? Right.

Well, we've gotten the spark plug out of his

slump, so the pennant's in the bag, right?

Wrong.

And when you get the pennant, you and local... Wrong.

Wrong.

Duke's no longer with the team. His slump was driving me batty,

so I got a waiver from the commissioner and traded him off.

To the opposition.

Oh, no. How could you?

Oh, stop worrying. The bum couldn't hit the side of a barn door.

Well, it seems it's easier to hit a home run than a barn door.

Dear Wally, please come back. Need you desperately. Signed, Duke.

Well, what do you think of it?

Waste of money.

Waste of money?

Sure, only nine words. Kid's really with it. Look, Wally gets back here,

and Duke goes right back into his shell again.

And with those two new pitchers he got for him,

Flynn's still got a fighting chance to win. Gee, isn't that kind of dirty?

Well, of course it's dirty, but this is war.

And in war, somebody always gets hurt.

I get it.

The law of the jungle.

I hope you girls got nothing planned for this evening,

because we got us a little celebrating to do.

Oh, that's lovely. How sweet of you.

Girls, girls, I... I couldn't make a pretty speech

to save my life, but if I could, I'd say...

Thanks for being the sweetest,

most helpful trio of gals I ever had the dumb kind of luck to run into.

Like I said, I'm not much of making speeches.

For a guy who can't make speeches, you do pretty well.

Must be beginner's luck.

Really, all that stuff you fed me about...

Confidence and things.

Well, I guess it finally took.

Well, I'm mighty grateful.

Oh, that's enough of speech-making. Let's sit.

I knew I forgot something. Champagne. Now, don't

any of you move, I'll be back in a jiff.

Gee, he really is a sweet guy. Yeah.

Well, Dan Flynn or no Dan Flynn, we're not going to sick Wally on that poor guy.

Here, you can have the honor.

It's even worse than I thought. Only eight words.

Facts assume that Duke is sure fast.

Wally! Hiya, doll. Wow, where is he? Where's Dookie Boy?

I heard he was up here.

What are you doing back here?

Black goo.

Oh, that.

Well, no hard feelings, we hope.

Are you kidding? I can't thank you enough for the lead.

You mean you bought Uncle George's property?

That swamp, heck no. But I practically sold the old

gaffer on 200 acres of land out in North Dakota.

Hey, how about that dookie boy? He sure has been

powdering that ball, just like I told him.

Sure, because you've been out of town.

What's that?

Wally.

You might as well know you have a terrible psychological effect on Duke.

Me, after all the instructions I've been giving him?

The only thing you've ever given Duke is an inferiority complex.

But I love the guy.

Sure, and he thinks you're the greatest in the world. That's the trouble.

Most everything he did, you did better, and you never stopped letting him know it.

Well, it finally created a mental block.

Man, oh, man.

I never meant to do anything like that.

Well, that's the way it is.

Wally! Hiya, dookie boy. Put her there.

Not that one. I got a little alligator bite on that one.

Gosh, I'm glad you're back, Wally.

Now you can give me some more pointers on my batting. Why, yeah, sure, I...

You don't need any pointers from me, kid.

Not the way you've been hitting.

Besides, I got problems of my own.

You have?

I haven't closed a decent deal in months.

In fact, I had to sell a business to pay off my creditors.

I'm a failure, Duke.

You a failure?

You know why I came back here?

This will hand you a laugh, kid.

I came back here to ask you if you could help me out.

Me help you out?

It's the first time you ever asked me that.

Wally, why didn't you write me?

Why, you can have everything I've got. If we win the pennant,

you can have my bonus, too.

Thanks, kid. I'll never forget it.

Oh, don't worry about a thing, Wall, old boy. And now for the champagne. Sit tight,

everybody. I'll get the glasses and things.

That was a wonderful thing for you to do, Wally. Magnificent.

Greater love hath no man than to put on that kind of an act.

Act? Nothing.

I am broke.

I sure am happy for Duke. Big World Series hero.

Me too.

But you know, I feel kind of sorry for Dan Flynn.

He's probably on his way to the North Pole by now.

Girls, have we got news.

Dan just sold his baseball team, but he's not going away.

Wonderful!

Congratulations, sweetie.

What are you congratulating her for?

Well, aren't you going to start thinking about marriage?

Oh, afraid not, honey.

I want to win a championship first. But you sold the baseball team. Sure I sold it,

but I bought a football team.