Original subtitles

Speedboat, plaything of the carefree and the rich.

Oh, I don't know. A working girl can have a speedboat.

She can have a whole fleet of them.

Really?

How?

Well, first she finds someone who is carefree and rich. Then?

Then she marries him.

Come on, Loco. I'm coming, Mike.

Let's get out of here before your friend Douglas arrives.

What a meatball.

He's not that bad.

He's just rich. Let's face it, Loco, millions or no millions, he's a bum.

Look, sweetie, money can't always buy happiness. Yeah,

but it can buy an awful lot of meatballs.

Anyway, I told him not to come.

I said, Douglas Brock, I can't see you this Saturday, so don't show up.

For heaven's sakes, haven't you got those gloves on yet? I only have two hands.

It's taking you so long, I thought you had six. I'm ready.

Douglas!

Now, how easy, girls. I stayed away as long as I could, but I'm weak.

I couldn't take it. So here I am.

Well, we can't take it either.

So here we go. Oh, no, no, no, wait.

Now, wait a minute. I'll just die if I have to go through

a whole day without seeing that pretty little chin.

Yeah. I don't care. I told you I can't see you today.

Greta has to work, and we're meeting her for lunch, and I... My chin?

You said you liked my chin before, Douglas.

Well, of course not. I hadn't finished talking about your eyes.

Come on, loco.

Please let me in, just for a little while.

Be our guest.

Come on, Loco.

Douglas, why don't you go down to the Bureau of

Missing Persons and see if you're on the list?

Sorry, but I've got something to say to Loco.

Will you marry me?

No!

Please, I'm spoiled. I can't take no for an answer.

Well, how about never?

But I'm considered the most wanted man in town.

By whom? The FBI?

You really are kind of irresponsible. You've never stuck to anything in your life.

Well, that's not true.

Every Sunday for a whole year, I've gone motorcycle racing.

Douglas, we've dallied long enough. Greta's waiting for us at the studio.

Okay. If your silly old luncheon is more important to you than I am, go.

Logo. I don't like that hat with that outfit.

Well, I don't like your hat with your outfit.

Thank you, Miss Crattler. If we decide to use you, you'll hear from Miss Hanson.

I hope I do.

Well, what do you think of her, Mr. Tompkins?

I'm afraid not. I want a girl who speaks through her mouth.

What difference does it make?

Isn't the idea of the new show to help a girl find her perfect mate scientifically?

Isn't that what Truth-O-Vac is supposed to do?

Not supposed to do, does.

I'm not worried about Truth-O-Vac.

It's the most efficient electric computing machine devised by man.

What I am worried about is our audience, our rating.

Now, I'm looking for a girl that people will want to see.

A girl with personality, charm, beauty.

Well, let's have a look at some of those others out there.

All righty, now let's see who's next.

Oh, hi, girls. I'll be just a few more minutes. I hope you're not starved.

If I am, I'm too hungry to notice it.

Would you excuse me for just a minute? I want to talk to you. Who's the blonde?

My roommate Loco.

She has personality.

Charm.

Beauty.

Get her in here.

She's it. I told you in the office, and I'm telling you now.

I don't want any romantic involvement with the machine.

Miss Jones, you don't marry the machine. The machine marries you.

I mean, look, we have information ready on 5,000 young American

males who are anxious to meet their perfect mate.

Now, why aren't you willing to do the same?

5,000 males?

Are you suggesting that I commit bigamy?

Anyway, I'll probably wind up marrying Douglas.

Now, don't be influenced by his money. If his father

cuts his allowance again, he won't have a dime.

So what? He has a whole book full of unused checks.

Anyway, he really is sweet, and he'll probably make a very good husband.

Why gamble?

In a fraction of a second,

Truth-O-Vac can discover incompatibilities which would

take nine years of living together to uncover.

I should hope so.

Who'd want to spend nine years with a machine?

Miss Jones, I want you for this show.

Surely you can use the $500.

Who can't?

I want to pick out my husband myself.

Honey, Mr. Tompkins told you,

you don't have to marry the man picked by the truth of act.

I don't?

Only if you want to.

The machine is just going to show you the kind of man you should marry.

And I can keep the 500? Yes!

Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, well, I knew she'd come through. Oh, Tucky. Yes, sir? As you can see,

Miss Jones has agreed to be our female subject.

Get her dada ready.

My dada?

Aren't you a little old to be talking baby talk? Besides,

what's he got to do with it?

Miss Jones, data is the plural of datum, meaning fact. It's Latin.

Oh.

Well, next time, speak English.

Yes.

Well, I have to be running along. I'll see you at the broadcast.

Now, you give Mr. Zahn all the information he wants,

and Mike and I will take ourselves off to a movie.

Now, this is largely a matter of a few simple tests and questions.

We might as well start with the word association test.

I will say a word, and you just say the first thing that comes into your mouth.

Winter.

Mink.

Summer.

Mink.

Autumn.

Mink.

Miss Jones, aren't you in a rut, or do you just like the sound of the word?

I just like mink.

I see.

Night.

Breakfast.

Breakfast at night?

It saves me time in the morning so I can sleep later.

Monday always is my worst day.

Gold.

Douglas.

Excuse me.

What's a Douglas?

That's a Douglas.

Who's the guy? Throw him out.

Don't be rude.

This is Mr. Zahn. He's giving me tests for Greta's boss.

I'm obtaining from Miss Jones data that will indicate her personality,

behavior pattern, likes, dislikes, et cetera, et cetera. Oh, well,

I can save you a lot of time, then.

Personality? Plenty. Behavior? Well, a little irregular.

Likes?

Me.

Oh, Douglas.

Make me a martini.

Coming up.

I'm starved.

In that case, I'll put in two olives.

There's one thing you have to say for that loco. She's off the beaten path.

But that's where the best berries grow.

But I can't say.

My rural experience has been limited.

You see...

By means of an electronic computer,

we intend to choose Miss Jones' perfect mate out of 5,000 males.

You do, huh?

The electronic computer?

We used to do the same thing by spinning a bottle,

and we didn't run any of the risk of blowing a fuse either.

Ah, I think I can save you a lot of trouble and electricity.

You're looking at the perfect mate for Loco.

That is purely an emotional opinion.

But remember, we are living in a technological age.

All right, I'll prove it.

I'll become one of your 5,000 guinea pigs. Sorry,

but we already have a sufficient number of applicants.

Speaking mathematically... All right, let's speak mathematically.

Well, I'm listening.

Ladies and gentlemen, in the last three seconds,

you have seen Truth-O-Vac commit to memory the likes, dislikes...

Personality traits and habits of five thousand and one American males.

And one? I thought it was five thousand.

The and one is Douglas Brock.

He found out what was going on and put in his application.

As far as I'm concerned, application denied. Don't worry.

They have nothing in common.

Yeah, you know it, and I know it.

But does Truth-O-Vac know it?

Our Mr. Zahn is about to feed into Truth-O-Vac's

memory the information on Miss Loco-Joke.

Lovely New York model.

Are you ready to do that, Mr. Zahn?

I am ready. In a matter of seconds, after Mr.

Zahn places a coded card in Truth-O-Vac,

it will contain a complete description of Miss Jones.

Go ahead, Mr. Zahn.

Be sure to say I like Chinese food.

Imagine.

In a minute, that machine will pick out Loco's dream man.

Think of all the years of looking around it saves.

If only it could refund the money she spent on clothes while looking.

Mr. Zod, is Truth-O-Vac ready?

Truth-O-Vac is ready.

Are you ready, Miss Jones?

I guess so.

Prepare to throw the switch.

Five, four, three, two, one. Ladies and gentlemen.

The name of Miss Jones's perfect husband is printed

on this slip of paper. Oh, Miss Jones, please.

We're all just as anxious as you are.

Miss Loco-Jones, your perfect husband is...

Mr. Douglas Brock of New York City!

Can't you sleep either?

No.

I've counted so many sheep,

I don't think I could look another lamb chop in the face.

Do they have to elope tonight?

Gosh.

In a little while, they'll be in Greenwich.

In an hour, they'll be married.

And by tomorrow morning, Douglas' father will have cut off his allowance,

and in a year, we'll be calling Loco poor Loco.

Poor Loco.

That year certainly went fast. Oh, don't worry. Maybe it'll turn out all right.

Maybe they'll get arrested for reckless driving before they reach Greenwich.

Who could that be? It's after midnight.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Come in, Tucky.

I'm sorry to disturb you ladies at this hour, but is it true?

Have they gone to get married? I heard it on the radio.

It's true.

Oh, dear me.

Do you mind very much if I sit down?

What's the matter?

He told me it was only a joke. He gave me his word.

He never said anything about really marrying her. What are you talking about?

I didn't want to do it. I declined at first.

He kept waving his checkbook in front of me.

I couldn't refuse.

Wait a minute.

You mean the Douglas bride drew to fix the machine so that it would pick him?

What an awful thing to do.

He assured me it was only a lark.

If there's anything I can do to rectify what I've done...

You and I are going to Greenwich.

Get on that phone and call the justice of the peace.

I think his name begins with a Q.

Tell him to hold off the wedding until we get there.

Okay.

Tucky, how could you?

I suppose I do deserve punishment.

My professional and moral ethics are seriously impaired.

My conscience is killing me.

And worst of all, the check bounced.

That's right, Mother. That's right. They just pulled up now.

Oh, I don't know how long I'm going to be here.

I got to stall this couple until the bride's friends get here.

They said it was a matter of life and death.

Yeah.

Here they are now. I've got to hang up my end.

Come in.

Hey, Mother, doesn't this remind you of Rudolph Valentino and the Spy? Hello,

Judge Quincy. Oh, hello there. I'm Douglas Brock, and this is Loco Jones.

I'm sorry we got you up in the middle of the night. Oh, think nothing of it.

Had to get up to answer the telephone anyway.

Say, how long, at least, you figure on for the house?

Oh, you two wouldn't be hornswoggling on a country boy, would you?

Let me tell you about this house. Oh, look, Dad,

we didn't come here to rent a house. We came here to get married.

Oh, a wedding, huh?

When do you plan on holding up?

There'll be no nuptials until after the wedding.

Glad to see the brides get a sense of you.

Say, that reminds me. I heard a real knee slapper the other day.

Seems like this fellow went down to Mexico, and he met

these two beautiful twins, named Polly and Molly.

Well, he didn't cotton much to Polly, but he took a great shine to Molly.

In other words, he was cold to Polly and hot to Molly.

Hot tamale, you get it? Yeah, we get the message. Now,

can we get along with the business at hand, please? Oh, yeah,

I'll get the certificate.

Oh, good. Now we're making progress. Yeah, take the young lady first.

Miss Jones.

Now, what did you say your first name was? Jones.

I said your first name.

Well, Jones was my first name.

My parents didn't decide on Loco until after I was born.

Well, Judge, it's getting a little late.

Can we get on with the... All right, all right.

You ever been inoculated for rabies?

Rabies?

Oh!

That's one on me. This is a certificate for a dog license.

What are you trying to pull? Well,

I'll get right on with it as soon as I find the right certificate.

Oh, here's one.

Stop the wedding!

It hasn't started yet. What are you doing here?

Loco, Douglas bribed Tucky to fix the machine so he'd win. I don't believe this.

That's my girl. It's a lot of nonsense.

Well, here's his check. Look at the signature.

This isn't Douglas' check. This is Millicent, Millicent Fundy.

Put your glasses on, Loco. That's insufficient funds. Sure stuff is the signature.

All right, all right, I gave him a check. For two tickets to the policeman's ball.

For $600.

Maybe it's formal.

Look, Truth-O-Back picked me, so that settles it.

Just a minute.

Since you claim the machine wasn't fixed,

you should have no objection to taking the test again.

You're wasting my time.

Well, that's one thing you don't seem to mind wasting yourself.

Oh, Loco, when we're married,

we're going to have to see these two characters regularly every ten years.

Maybe, Douglas, we shouldn't get married until we do try the truth of act again.

Wonderful. I'll call Tucky.

Oh, no, you don't.

Any man who would accept a bribe... I mean,

any man who would say that I bribed him is untrustworthy.

All right, Douglas, if it'll make you happy, I'll also call Dr. Milmoss.

Well, that's better.

Who's Dr. Millmoss? The man who invented Truth-O-Vac.

He's very nice, and I'm sure he won't mind helping out.

Douglas?

All right.

We might be back later for the rest of our wedding, Judge Quincy,

so don't lose your place.

Oh, Dr. Milmoss, it's so kind of you to come.

It's a privilege, dear lady.

Mike Loco, this is Dr. Kurt Milmoss.

He's the inventor of truth... Of the differential analyzer,

the three-stage cyclotron, and the truthy fact.

How clever.

I never could do anything with my hands.

It's just a net, especially when you're a genius.

Oh, I wish Tucky would get here so we can get started.

He's the one who fixed Truthifact to give the wrong answer.

Oh, who needs him?

Besides, Truthifact could not be fixed.

It couldn't?

No.

But it just doesn't seem possible that Douglas Brock could be the right man.

If Truthifact says so, it's so.

Where is this Brock?

Next door having a drink.

We made him stay away so he couldn't influence the machine.

Could little ants move a choo-choo train? Possible.

But you will run the problem again.

Please.

Why not?

Now I'll show you.

One, two, three.

She don't go.

Oh, maybe the impedance coordinator is out.

Nein? Okay.

Now, if the oscillator don't oscillate it, the transformer don't transform.

Maybe it isn't plugged in. See? Yeah.

Oh, Milmos, you dumper. This one has a good scientific mind. Plug in, Liebchen.

There, see? Oh, fine.

Oh, no, Douglas Brock of New York City. Are you sure there wasn't some mistake?

Oh, Douglas, the machine picked you again.

Well, naturally. Come on, dear, Judge Quincy's waiting.

Let him wait.

Dr. Milmoss, would you try it again, just for me?

Look, don't you ever give up. The machine has already picked me twice.

Well, this is three out of five.

Just once more, doctor, please.

Douglas Brock of New York City. Well, that settles it. We're getting married.

I hope you, Loco, and Truth of Act will be very happy together.

It can't be right. They have nothing in common. Oh, don't go, Loco.

Nothing just isn't right.

Oh, the scientist I am. Beatrice Fairfax, I'm not.

How many times must I tell you? Tucky, what took you so long?

You know I live out in Elmhurst. I couldn't get a cab.

Well, let's get this over with.

It's no good for one to go without a sleep.

That's right. It can lead to insomnia.

Too late, Tucky. Dr. Milmoss himself ran several tests,

and they all spelled Douglas Brock.

D-O-O-M.

Of course they did, and they always will.

What do you mean?

What shenanigans have you been making with my machine?

Oh, I didn't do anything to your machine. It's perfect. See?

All I did was...

He did wrong information about Brock.

What?

Lies you fed to my machine?

All I had to do was have his likes parallel those of Loco's likes.

And when I say out, I mean scram!

Look, Loco, I... Douglas, if there's anything I can't stand,

it's a fellow who will force a man who is running

an electronic machine to tell lies.

Okay, if there's anything I can't stand,

it's a girl who needs a machine and an old strudel

of a scientist to help her make up her mind. Strudel!

Out!

Don't cry, Leaveson. This time,

Truthy Fack will tell us the true Prince Charming for you. First,

I take Brock out of Truthy Fack.

Robert James Montgomery III of Southampton, New York. Oh,

it sounds wonderful. Just great.

So, Liebchen, at last you have your prince charming.

Oh, he doesn't have to be a prince or anything.

I just want someone young, handsome, intelligent, charming, and rich. You know,

an average American boy. And now, out of 5,000,

the boy most like you

Robert James Montgomery III. So?

You look better in real life than you sound on TV.

Oh, well, that's probably because the acoustics are better. You like fruit, yeah?

I mean, oh, yes.

And you, Robert? Oh, sure. No fruit bowl should be without it.

I think I'll have a banana.

Robert, aren't you going to peel it?

What for?

I know what's inside.

Dr. Milmoth, could you come with me for a moment, please? Excuse us, Robert.

Dr. Milmoth, I know he's terribly sweet, but gosh, I don't know.

Am I anything like him? Of course, Liebchen.

Only on you, it looks good.