Original subtitles

Speedway.

Daredevil racers courting death and destruction for the coveted championship.

Gateway to fame and fortune.

If you don't mind, I'll just sneak in the back door. It's a little safer.

Back door to fame and fortune?

Sure.

All you have to do is marry it.

Hi, Mike. Hi, Greta. You're just in time to help

me clean up the place. Well, what's going on?

Get a good grip on yourself, honey.

William Sanford III is joining us for cocktails. What?

Local met him at a fashion show.

The Magnesium Copper Oil Uranium Steel William Sanford III.

And don't forget the three plantations with matching railroads in South America.

Please don't bother me with the small change. He'll be here.

Oh, $15 million worth of him.

Oh, William Sanford III.

Even his name has numbers in it. He's not just the ordinary,

everyday type of millionaire. According to Loco, he's brilliant.

He's been all over the world, knows everything.

Well, how did Loco get hooked up with him? I told you they met at a fashion show.

Loco was modeling bikinis.

No further questions.

Well, how do I look?

Neckline's a little too low.

The hem is too short. The waist is way too tight. Oh, the back is too low.

Well, okay, I'll go change.

What for? You look beautiful.

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Nervous enough as it is.

Why should you be nervous?

Well, he's so smart and so intelligent.

How can I hold a conversation with him? Oh, of course you can.

Oh, you don't know. Him and his family, Einstein's theory is just small talk.

I'm going to be alone with him.

I'm scared.

Now, local, there's no reason to be scared.

Let him do the talking. You know how men love to talk.

And if you must talk, pick things you know.

All right.

I'll talk about things I know. Now, I'm scared.

Just stick to the subject you're familiar with. You mean...

Like the weather?

Like the weather.

You could talk about clothes. Or the people you know, that's easy.

The weather, clothes, people I know.

Weather, clothes, people I know. Okay, I'll try.

But I wish I had a brain.

Loco, he'll be here in 15 minutes. That's hardly enough time for surgery.

Charming place, Loco.

Actually, I rather expected you to be living in an apartment like this.

Strange how people reflect their homes and their possessions.

Now, there's a whole field for some psychic research.

Wouldn't you say so?

Yes.

And the weather has been very changeable lately. Yes.

There are still so many theories of weather formation

which still remain to be reconciled.

But I think we've made tremendous strides.

Don't you think so, Loco?

Yes.

And aren't the new clothes just the end?

Actually, there's nothing new about the so-called new styles.

When I was in Rome last year, I had another look at the Jameson frescoes.

You know, they depict the clothing and customs during the Roman wars.

Oh, I'm sorry. Here I am rambling on,

and I suppose you're not the least bit interested in the Roman Wars.

Well, it happened so long ago. I say let bygones be bygones.

How'd it go? Oh, all right, I guess. Just all right?

Well, half the time, I didn't know what he was talking about.

I think the feeling was mutual.

What's a Taj Mahal?

It's a famous building in India. Why?

I thought it was a Swedish actress.

Oh, great.

Did you tell him you had her autograph?

No.

But when he talked about how it was built, I said I didn't care how it was built.

Take Ingrid Bergman any day.

Oh, it's no use. I can't keep up with him. I'm not going to see him anymore.

Are you kidding? You can't give him up just like that. But I felt so stupid.

Honest, if I thought it'd do any good, I'd go back to school.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

But I can't give up my job.

Hey, wait a minute. They have night schools, don't they? Big, beautiful ones.

Then what am I waiting for?

I'll take a few courses, and I'll go down and enroll tomorrow.

Now you're talking.

They won't laugh at me going back to school at my age, will they?

Don't be silly. I read about a woman with 12

children going back to school. 12 children?

Well, I hope that isn't one of the requirements.

Let's see. Candy, chewing gum, fruit, nuts, popcorn, glass of water, radio.

Yep, I'm all set to do my homework. Has anybody got a pencil? Here you are.

Oh, ancient history. How are you doing?

Ask me something.

Okay, let's see.

How did Julius Caesar prepare for his battle with Pompey?

He said goodbye to his wife.

He set his sword out to be sharpened.

His wife set his sword out to be sharpened.

Oh, it's no use. I'll never learn this stuff.

And I've got a quiz tomorrow. Mr. Krantz is going to ask questions.

Oh, well, don't be discouraged, honey. You've only been at it a few days.

I know, but I just can't be... Come on, Logo, get with it.

Well, think of the satisfaction you'll have when you pass the course.

Yeah, we'll throw a party. We'll have a real celebration. Yeah, some celebration.

I'll get my diploma and my old age pension the same day.

No, don't be a quitter. Where's that old spirit? Where's that old fight?

Okay, coach, give me that book.

Caesar prepared for his battle with Pompey with 20 legions in Gaul.

He followed Pompey into Greece and defeated him at Pharsalus.

Maybe if I can learn just that much.

Caesar prepared for his battle with Pompey with twenty legions in Gaul.

And it was during this period that a conflict developed

which was to have far-reaching consequences.

A conflict between Caesar and Pompey.

Now, who can tell me, how did Caesar prepare for his battle against Pompey?

Mrs. Beecher.

Well, Caesar prepared for his battle with Pompey by gathering 20 legions in Gaul.

That's correct, Mrs. Beecher.

I've been robbed.

And now for the battle itself. Now, who can tell me where Pompey was defeated?

Uh, Mr. Wagner.

Well, Caesar followed Pompey into Greece and

defeated him at the Battle of Pharsalus.

Good, good.

I knew that.

Gee, I'm sorry.

Miss Jones, you seem awfully anxious to answer a question.

Perhaps you can tell us what famous woman of this

period was known as the Queen of the Nile?

Woman?

Can't we go back to Caesar and Pompey?

Miss Jones.

Who was the Queen of the Nile?

Queen of the Nile.

Queen of the Nile.

Well, she was the wife of the King of the Nile.

Cleopatra.

Cleopatra. Well, I've got it.

Cleopatra.

That's correct. Thank you very much, Mr. Wagner.

But you're not going to flunk me out of the course.

Well, Miss Jones, I don't want to flunk anybody,

especially a pretty girl like yourself.

But your work hasn't been satisfactory.

Now, this quiz paper that you turned in yesterday on the government of Rome,

I asked you to name two senators.

But I did.

Kefauver and Morse.

Well, I've been trying very hard.

Well, I'm sure you have.

But, well, maybe you've been out of school

too long and you've forgotten how to study.

My biggest trouble is I've forgotten how to remember.

Well, if I may...

I'd like to suggest a little outside help, a tutor.

I'll try anything.

All right.

There's a young man in class, Albert Wagner. He sits right next to you.

Oh, yes, he's a real brain.

Well, now, I've talked to him, and he'd be very willing to help you.

I believe he charges $50.

But for you, you'd be willing to do it for nothing.

Oh, no, no, no, no, 50 cents is fine. And thanks a lot, Mr. Kranz.

You're a doll, a living doll.

I'm a living doll. And the Greek states were included

in the Persian Empire in the 5th century,

and the Greeks came under the cultural influence of the Persians.

Is that right, Albert?

Yes, that's right, Miss Jones.

Oh, not Miss Jones, Albert. Call me Loco.

Call you by your first name?

Well, of course.

We're going to be seeing a lot of each other,

and I hope we're going to become very good friends.

Very good friends.

Oh, that's wonderful, Miss Jones.

Oh, I mean, loco. Thanks.

The next question is, to make a toll call any place in the United States,

dial over a... Well, the next question is...

That was delicious.

Yes, and if we'd had a meal like this in ancient Rome,

we would have been served reclining on couches,

and it would have taken hours with all sorts

of delicacies served by household slaves.

Look, oh, I'm amazed at your knowledge of such things.

Well, darling, I think you should know.

I've been studying.

That's wonderful.

I even have a tutor. He comes to the house three times a week.

He comes to the house?

He's just a kid, but he's so smart and clever.

Well, that's a relief.

For a moment, I was afraid your tutor might be some handsome young instructor.

I wouldn't care for that at all.

William, you're jealous.

Well, not really. I could be.

Loco, I can't tell you how pleased I am that you're doing this for me.

I'm pleased you're pleased.

Look, I'm going to be out of town for a few days.

I've got some business in Chicago.

But when I return, I may ask you a very important question, darling.

Oh, William, I don't know what the question will be. The answer is...

Yes.

Oh, Albert, I'm so happy tonight.

You are?

Something wonderful has happened to me, and it's

all because you helped me. Oh, love that boy.

Do you really?

Yes, but... Oh, I've been waiting to hear those words.

Yeah? Oh, haven't you felt it? Haven't you guessed? What?

I've loved you ever since the first day in class when you got

the Punic Wars mixed up with the fourth Etruscan dynasty.

Get away with me now. Yeah, tonight. We'll be married right away. Married?

Tonight?

But what about our ancient history? Ancient history? Why,

this is the oldest story of all.

A man and a woman in love. Oy.

Albert, come on. Be reasonable.

Please go home, Albert.

I love Loco, and I want to marry her.

But don't you understand?

You're just a kid.

She's too old for you.

She says it doesn't matter. Anyway, there's only five years difference between us.

That's now, but what about later?

How will it look, a woman 65 years old running around with a kid of 60? Well,

she is too old for you, Albert.

Sure, she's practically fighting off rigor mortis. Now, wait a minute.

It doesn't matter.

When I was a kid, I was a scout. They taught us to be kind to older people.

And I'll be kind to you.

I promise. But you can't even support me.

Well, I'll find a way.

How? That 50 cents an hour I pay you for tutoring stops the minute we get married.

I've got a day job.

I'll quit school and work nights.

Nothing can stop a man who's in love.

I give up.

Wait a minute.

Loco, I'm afraid you'll just have to tell him the

truth. Huh? Yes, yes, Loco, tell him the truth.

I will, as soon as I know what it is. I don't blame you.

You don't want to break his heart.

I'll do it.

Albert, the reason Loco can't marry you is very simple.

She's engaged to another man. I am?

Well, I mean, yes, I am. Who is it?

William Sanford III.

It's true.

We're going to be married.

I don't believe it.

Sanford is a big-shot millionaire.

What's that got to do with it?

They always marry showgirls.

Well, I can dance a little.

Would you come between Loco and the man she loves?

Has he asked you to marry him?

Well, it... There, there.

That's the way all those rich guys operate. He's just stringing you along.

Well, that's not true.

Let me talk to him on the phone, and I'll prove it.

Oh, you can't. He's out of town.

I'll call him when he gets back. What's his number?

His number is... Just a minute, loco.

Girls.

Local, do you realize what's going to happen if this kid starts bothering Sanford?

You'll be stone cold dead.

You won't even have an expensive funeral.

What am I going to do?

Maybe I ought to talk to Mr. Kranz. After all, he got us together.

No.

We've got to get rid of him now.

But how?

Tell him you're in love with somebody else.

Who?

Anybody. What's the difference?

Well, okay, I'll try.

Albert, I have a confession to make.

I haven't been telling you the truth.

I'm not in love with William Sanford III.

I knew it!

But I am in love with somebody else.

Somebody who isn't stringing me along.

Like who?

Who?

Well, it's a...

It's Mr. Kranz.

Mr. Kranz?

Loco, I don't think you should have told him about you and Mr. K. Oh, well, Mr.

Kranz and I are desperately in love.

Yeah.

Desperately in love.

I should have realized the way you smile at him and the way he looks at you.

Loco can't help it. She wears her heart on her sleeve.

I never would have believed it.

I never would have believed it.

I know how it is, Mr. Kranz.

She loves me.

I envy you, Mr. Kranz.

She loves me?

I want you to know there's no hard feelings.

I won't try and come between you.

After all, it's better to have loved and lost than... Well, you understand.

Good luck to both of you.

I'm going to have to have a double shot of warm milk to get to sleep tonight.

Good evening, Miss Jones.

Loco.

Well, this is a wonderful surprise.

Won't you come in?

I hardly expected to see you here tonight.

Well, I thought under the circumstances, I'd better come right over.

Mr. Krantz, this is Greta and Mike, my roommates.

Mr. Krantz is my ancient history teacher.

Oh, hello.

How do you do?

These are for you, my dear.

Gee, thanks.

I didn't know I was doing that well in class.

Put them in water for you, Loco.

Miss Jones, Loco, I wonder if I might speak to you privately.

Oh, Greta and I have something to do in the kitchen. Oh, no, please, don't go.

What is it, Mr. Kranz?

I just want you to know that I reciprocate your feelings for me.

My feelings?

Albert told me all about it.

Wait a minute.

You mean that Albert told you that Loco...

I think I'll go next door and borrow a cup of arsenic.

Get enough for all of us.

Mr. Kranz, you mean you're in love with me?

Yes, ever since that first day in class when you mixed

up the Punic Wars with the Fourth Etruscan Dynasty.

Those Punic Wars were murder.

Mr. Kranz, I'm afraid you've been misled.

Yes, I respect you very much, but I'm not in love with you.

Oh, but Albert told me, and he was so sure.

Well, I'm completely at a loss.

Well, you're lucky.

I wish I could get lost.

I guess it was too much to hope for.

But I'm not complaining.

Even the mighty Caesar lost his Cleopatra.

I better be going.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Albert.

Loco all set for a lesson?

Albert, listen, I want to take... Hi, Loco.

Hi, Mr. Kranz.

Albert, what are you doing here?

Well, 50 cents an hour is 50 cents an hour. Albert, I want to speak to you.

Oh, not now, Mr. Kranz.

Mr. Kranz?

I mean, uh, George.

Herman.

Hey, how come you two lovebirds aren't sitting on the couch holding hands?

Who says we're not?

But you just told me... Yes, that I'm madly in love with you.

But you said you... Do I know what I'm saying when I'm this close to you?

Well, I guess you don't need any tutoring from me tonight.

Now you've got the idea. Good night, local.

Good night, Mr. Kranz. You'll have to excuse them for not getting up.

Good night, Albert.

Thanks very much, Mr. Kranz.

But you just said you were madly in love with me.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kranz, but like I told you before, I...

But you said you didn't know what you were saying before.

Well, that's it, Mr. Kranz.

She didn't know what she was saying when she

said she didn't know what she was saying. I see.

Now what?

Albert!

I want to see Logan.

Oh, Albert, no, no.

I just came back to tell you, if Mr. Kranz doesn't treat you right,

I want you to know I'll always be waiting for you.

Yes, Albert.

Thank you very much, Mr. Krantz.

I don't understand. First you, then you threw me on the couch.

I can't help it. I'm just a creature of many moods.

You certainly are.

You've got me so, so confused, I don't know what to say.

You don't know what to say. You're a teacher. Think of me.

Maybe I'd better come back some other time. Maybe I can catch you between moods.

Yes, maybe that would be a better idea.

Oh, now what does that fool kid want? I know what I want. Roller skate.

Now listen, Albert.

Mr. Sandford.

Hello, Mike. Finished up a little early and got the first plane out.

Couldn't wait to see Loco.

I thought you were in Chicago.

Obviously.

Oh, William, I can explain.

Mr. Krantz is my history teacher.

Just a kid tutor, huh?

What did he do, send his father around tonight?

But, William, listen.

No, thanks.

But that question you were going to ask, The answer is yes.

Never mind.

I just changed the question.

I'm getting rid of these books.

I'm through with ancient history. A lot of good it did me. But you learned a lot.

Sure, you know all about Julius Caesar.

Yeah, a lot of good ancient history did him.

He was stabbed.

Now on, I'm studying more modern things.

Interspace travel, orbits, three-stage rockets, life on the moon.

You'll never be able to learn that stuff. It's awfully difficult.

Not for me, it isn't.