Original subtitles

Olé! Death in the afternoon.

Steel-nerved matadors risking life and limb.

And for what?

For a fortune, mister.

But lady, would you risk your life for money?

Not if I could marry it.

Good evening, Miss Wilkins. Doctor, some mail for you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and this came for you.

Will you sign for it, please?

Not a thing for you, Miss Jones.

Oh, good.

No bills.

Hi, Miss Jones. Good evening, Jessie.

Hi.

Anybody home?

Over here, local. What took you so long with the shopping?

I don't know. I guess I've got one of those faces that looks like it's just looking.

Did you get the coffee maker? Yes.

I couldn't remember if we wanted boil, perk, or drip.

So I got perk.

There must be some logical explanation for that reasoning.

I don't want to hear it.

Well, the man said we could exchange it for drip,

but that would cost 89 cents more. Or if we wanted boil,

that would be 30 cents less.

Or if we didn't want it at all, he'd give us a credit.

So we could get that hot water bottle we need.

So I told him. And never mind.

I'll take tea. Well, take a look at it anyway.

I personally think it's rather attractive. How?

That perks.

I dropped it in the elevator,

but I couldn't have knocked it that much out of shape. Out of shape? You killed it.

Well, how in the world could you... Get it.

Oh, if that's the rest of him, I'm getting out of here.

Yes?

Hello.

I'm Dr. Harvey.

This package...

Well, I believe your friend picked up mine by mistake. I'm sorry I opened this.

Not half as sorry as we were when we opened yours.

Girls, won't you come in?

We heard. Here you are. Doctor.

Thank you.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Doctor, you were so nice to return our coffee maker.

Suppose we put some up and you join us?

Oh, I'd like to very much, but I have to see a patient.

Well, any time you lose your head again, just call on us.

Wilfred Poindexter Harvey, M.D.

Harvard Medical School interned John Hopkins, studied two years in Europe.

He's a resident at Mercy Hospital.

Resident at... Well, I thought he lived here.

He does, and his family has one of the largest estates in Westchester.

The dock is loaded and single.

How did you find out?

Very simple in this age of electronics.

Just press the elevator button and ask the elevator boy. Well,

now that we know he's single, what button do we press next?

How about the bachelor button?

We could press, but that doesn't necessarily mean he'll answer.

Why is it that young, handsome, wealthy bachelors are always so popular?

For three reasons. Because they're young, handsome, and wealthy. Let's see.

We know he's a bachelor.

Seems to me our best bet is to have him call professionally. I agree, but for what?

Every other year at this time, I have a cold.

Now when I need one, I'm healthy as a horse.

We ought to be able to figure out some little ailment, like a stomach ache.

I'm not making dinner tonight.

We want the doctor, not the coroner. Come on, you kids, let's be serious.

If one of us just had an ingrown toenail or a stiff neck, or even housemaid's knee.

That's it, Greta, the knee, your tricked knee.

Yeah, that'd be perfect.

It hasn't gone out of whack in months. It's fine. Look, I'll show you.

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Pick a little higher. Pick a little higher.

One, two, three, four.

See? I told you there was nothing wrong with my knees.

I guess this is one of those days when everything goes right.

We'll just have to think of something else. What does it feel?

Well, it hurts like the devil. Well, wonderful.

Let's see if it's still swollen. All right.

It sure looks like it. And isn't it the most adorable shade of blue?

It goes perfectly with your pajamas.

Sorry, honey, I guess it isn't very funny.

That knee must be a pretty painful little organ.

But every time it throbs, you just imagine it's playing Here Comes the Bride. Ah,

careful, local. You're liable to jar that knee back into place.

It's probably the doctor now.

Girl.

Oh, loco, it isn't my head. It's my knee. Well, he's got the diploma.

Let him find out for himself.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

It's my knee, doctor.

It's so swelled up, the kneecap doesn't fit anymore.

We'll let the doctor make his own diagnosis.

It seems to be dislocated. Does this happen often?

Very.

Well, don't worry. We'll have you fixed up in a jiffy.

Now, hang on. This might give you a little jolt.

Well, there we are. Does that feel better?

Much.

Is that all you have to do?

That's all. Good night's rest, and she should be fine in the morning.

But what about her dizziness?

It is in it.

Oh, yes, yes.

I forgot to tell you. I blacked out.

And then she fell and twisted her knee. Well, hadn't you better?

Well, the knee is nothing but blackouts. That's something else again.

Just for my record, you're Greta Hansen?

Miss.

Weight?

1-11? 34-24-34. I see.

Well, I don't think that knee will give you any more trouble.

We'd better look into those blackouts when I have more time.

Oh, you're not going, Doctor?

I mean, you've had such a tiring day. Wouldn't

you like to relax and play a little? Scrabble?

Afraid not. I have a very busy evening ahead of me.

I took Miss Hanson's knee first, but I still have to

call on a pancreas, a thyroid, and a sacroiliac.

Oh, gosh. With words like that, you'd be a cinch to win at Scrabble.

You'd better stay in bed, young lady, and... I'll

be by tomorrow evening, give you a check-up.

Good night, ladies. Don't bother, I can find my way out.

Ow! Oh!

Oh, I can't stay in bed. I've got to go to work tomorrow. So go,

just as long as you're back in bed tomorrow night by the time Dr. Harvey gets here.

Yeah, and don't forget to be dizzy. Do you think all this is really worth it, Mike?

I didn't exactly bowl him over. You've got to be patient, patient.

He was too busy with your knee tonight.

After a few more visits, he'll notice your face.

Yeah.

It's too bad you don't have a trick nose.

Hello?

Oh, yes, just a minute. He's here now. Telephone, doctor.

Oh, thank you.

It is late.

We'd better get you back in bed before... Dr. Harvey speaking.

Let's let him take the elevator first. But, Mike,

what if he goes straight up to our apartment?

If he does, we're sunk.

Greta, you better take the stairs. Loco and I will try to stall him.

Mike, I know we've got a lot at stake,

but asking me to walk up 21 flights of stairs?

I'm not asking you to walk.

Run!

Dr. Harvey.

Oh, good evening, ladies.

Just on my way up to your apartment.

Oh, fine. We'll ride up with you. It's up there.

I know.

I have a keen sense of direction.

Oh, would you hold it a second? I want to see if we have any mail.

Anything for us?

Nothing for 21G.

Oh, dear, and I'm expecting some very important mail.

How about 1G?

Now, for what earthly reason would your mail be in 1G?

Well...

Short letter carrier.

Reach up in. I put the mail in myself. Why not?

Oh, no, you go first, Dr. Harvey. You must be tired.

Lifting all those heavy gallstones.

Well, maybe we ought to wait till you come

back down again so we won't be so crowded.

Oh, pardon me. May I help you with your package?

Thank you. It isn't heavy.

Just some pastry. What kind? Devil's food cake. Oh,

you should never buy devil's food cake.

I have the most marvelous recipe. You take two cups of flour,

the whites of three eggs. Excuse me, but I really must go.

Oh, and then you melt your butter in a double boiler. Going down? Oh,

it's okay with us. Sorry.

Oh.

11. Holy smoke, we're going down. That's a shame. We're in a hurry.

Oh, what's happened?

It makes sense.

Respiration 78, extreme palpitation, pupils dilated, I don't understand it.

Miss Anson, what have you been doing?

Just lying here, reading.

Well, maybe the book was too exciting.

Floral arrangements made easy?

Miss Anson, are you sure you were just reading?

Oh, no, she was doing something else, too. What was that? Turning pages.

Now, please, we have a very sick girl here.

Miss Hanson, I may have to see you every day for a while.

Well...

Doctor, if you think that's advisable.

Well, I certainly do.

So do we. Don't we, Mike? Definitely.

May I use your phone to make the arrangements?

Arrangements?

Well, of course. You have to go to the hospital.

Now, Miss Hanson, we must stay absolutely quiet

and breathe steadily through the tube. Hello, Doctor.

Nurse.

Good.

Let me know as soon as you finish the basal.

Yes, Doctor.

See you in a little while, Miss Hanson.

Dr. Harvey, how is she?

Well, I haven't seen the results of the test yet. We're doing the last one just now.

Oh, how's her knee?

It's fine.

Oh.

This morning, I noticed a number of blisters on the bottoms of her feet.

Now, has she been doing an unusual amount of walking lately?

Really?

Oh, Greta?

She only walks when... when she wants to get somewhere.

Well, I must confess, I've never come across a case like this before.

Well, maybe it's one of those sicknesses that hasn't been discovered yet.

Dr. Harvey, there's no need for Greta to take up this hospital room. Now,

I'm sure Loco and I can take care of everything that's wrong with her at home.

It so happens the hospital is nowhere near filled to capacity at the moment.

And this is much too baffling a case to be treated lightly. If you'll excuse me.

Hi, Greta. We brought you some flowers.

Don't they smell nice?

Please, we mustn't disturb the patient during this test.

Oh, I'm sorry, we just... Shh.

Gosh, she looks terrible. Oh, we can't have Dr. Harvey see her looking like this.

If you girls want to play charades, the recreation room is right down the hall.

We were just wondering where we were going to put the flowers. I'll get a vase.

Poor people, what are they doing to you? Come on, doctor.

And just what do we think we're doing? You've ruined the whole test.

I've got to do it all over again, and you've got to get out.

You may go in now.

Thank you.

Oh, Miss Ward.

Finney?

Yes, Doctor.

Where are the results of the other tests?

Uh, they're all underneath.

Fine.

Well, she checks out perfectly in everything.

Thank the Lord those tests are over.

Why, would you believe it?

Miss Hanson, I can find nothing wrong with you.

Absolutely nothing.

Oh, that's wonderful, Doctor. Now I can go home.

No, I'm afraid not. It just means we have to keep on digging

till we come up with the answer to this mystery.

But I feel fine.

Well, that just makes it more of a challenge.

What are we gonna do now?

I don't know.

But we've got to do something.

All those tests and pills they've been giving me.

Red pills for the liver, blue pills for the blood,

green pills for the stomach, and even purple pills.

Purple pills? What are they for?

Probably to round out the color scheme. Well, if

I wanted to get out of here, I know what I'd do.

I'd simply get up out of bed and go home.

In my pajamas? That's all I've got here.

Besides, if they catch you trying to sneak out of here without a doctor's discharge,

they'll strap you in bed.

Well, just tell him you've got to go home.

You don't feel well.

If anyone offers you a penny for your thoughts... Grab it.

We tried getting you an honorable discharge.

Now the only thing left is to get you a dishonorable one.

You mean we're going to have her court-martialed?

No, I mean we're going to get Dr. Harvey to

discharge her without bothering Dr. Harvey.

Slowly, Mike, slowly. I'm going out to the phone booth

in the corridor and make arrangements with Dr. Jesse right now. Jesse?

Oh, but Jesse's an elevator operator. Mm-hmm,

and his first case is going to be Operation Greta.

I sure hope the scheme of yours works, Mike. If I stay here any longer,

I really will need a doctor. Well, don't you think we could do something else?

Time for our temperature.

But we don't want our temperature taken. I beg your pardon?

I said we...

Well, as we say on Wall Street, if it reaches 105, sell.

Silly. Who'd want to buy a thermometer that old?

Hello?

Yes, Dr. Harvey, Miss Ward is right here. For you.

Miss Ward speaking.

Miss Ward. After careful analysis of Miss Hanson's case,

I've decided to order her release. Release?

But, Doctor, you gave me strict instructions to start a new series of tests.

I don't... Oh, I see.

Well, would you hold the phone, please, Dr. Harvey?

Dr. Harvey, you're on this telephone telling me to release Ms. Henson. I am.

Well, let's see what I have to say.

Hello, Dr. Harvey.

Who am I?

Well, I'm Dr. Harvey.

Now, I've talked to myself before,

but that's the first time I ever hung up on myself.

The thing some people will do to get out of a hospital.

Miss Ward, did you notice this?

Well, you tried everything. Now,

I guess the only thing left to do is take the

coward's way out and tell him the truth.

You mean the whole truth?

Even about Greta running up 21 flights of stairs and

letting him think she was in bed all the time?

If we do, we might as well scratch another young, handsome, wealthy bachelor.

Miss Ward, have you ever seen anything as grisly as this?

Never in all my 30 years as a nurse.

I can understand the hypervascular syndrome,

which is contracting the subcutaneous aorta, but...

I have never seen it combined with a deciduous atrophy of the esophagus.

Is that bad?

Bad?

Unless we can effect a cure, Miss Hanson had better...

Not start reading any serials.

But I thought you said my tests were all right.

Well, the tests themselves were inconclusive,

but upon research and further consultation with other experts in the field,

I was finally able to diagnose your... strange malady.

I was fine when I came in here. Really, I was.

There, there. We mustn't strain ourselves. We're a very sick girl.

I wish we would mind our own business.

Prepare for surgery.

Poor Greta.

I'm getting out of here. Where's my robe? But Greta,

the doctor said you needed an operation. Please, I'm as healthy as a horse.

Gosh, don't say that, or they're liable to shoot you. I don't know, Greta.

The doctors seem mighty worried. Maybe you ought to see a doctor.

I mean, I better see one.

I don't know about you, but I'm getting out of here. Retta! Oh,

I forgot this is all I brought. And if they catch you trying to get out of here,

they'll strap you in bed.

Okay, okay, we went all through that before.

If Florence Nightingale took a chance, why shouldn't I?

Sure!

Come along, nurse.

Tom selected me.

Oh, but I... Every nurse on this floor has suddenly been called down to maternity.

Come along!

Patience in better shape than this one.

We should have suspected Dr. Harvey was playing a trick on you.

He sure taught us a lesson.

I guess we deserved it.

That bawling out he gave us when we left.

Dr. Harvey was real annoyed, wasn't he?

I would say so.

Telling us we were the worst things to happen to

that hospital since the flu epidemic of 1917.

Going up?

Hi, Jessie.

Oh, hi, girls.

Don't touch her. I'll call Dr. Harvey. Never mind.

Are you ready, Dr. Jones? Ready.

One, two, three.