Original subtitles

Football.

The crowd must be good for a quarter of a million dollars.

Lady, if it's millions you've got your mind on,

just get yourself a nice little group like

the Chicago Bears or the Green Bay Packers.

I know how, too.

All right, how?

Marry a man who owns one.

Look what I got us, girls.

Where did you get that stone?

Well, there's a teeny little place on 45th Street, Burr's Furs,

and they're having a liquidation sale. And the stole was a steal.

Joke.

Laughing. Well, it's not funny. It really was a steal, only $1,000.

And where did you get $1,000?

Easy, I just wrote a check.

No, a thousand dollar check.

You're going to look awfully silly wearing that stole over convex stripes.

Convex stripes?

That's the usual reward for passing bad checks.

But we've got the money.

I went over the books myself this morning.

We have exactly...

$1,038. Here, see for yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Except for one teensy-weensy decimal point.

We have exactly $10.38. Next time, wear your glasses.

Oh, but it looks so much better without them. Well, we'll just have to call Mr.

Burr, and you'll have to ask him to take the thing back.

Farewell, you gorgeous thing.

Hello, Mr. Berg. This is Loco Jones.

Well, I'm afraid I'll have to return that stole.

I just found out that I don't have enough money to cover the check.

But the check'll bounce!

Higher than the Empire State Building. You

wouldn't want to see me in jail, would you?

Oh, you will?

Oh, Mr. Bird, you're a doll!

He'll take it back.

Oh, he'd love to, but his creditors won't let him. Well,

that's the reason he's had to liquidate.

But he's done a beautiful thing. He won't deposit the check for another 10 days,

so we'll have enough time to make it good. 10 days?

Where are we going to get $1,000 in 10 days?

Well, maybe it'll make it easier if we think of it as only $100 a day.

Why stop there? It's only $4.17 an hour.

See, girl, it's really nothing. And with $10.38 in the bank,

we don't have to worry for another two and a half hours.

I think... Come in.

Hello, girls.

Oh, excuse me for bursting in like this,

but I just can't stay in my apartment another

minute. What is it this time, Mrs. Teasley?

Another one of those oil promoters badgering you again?

No, no, that was yesterday. No, this is some man

trying to sell me a yacht. Oh, ridiculous.

I'm afraid that's the price of being rich.

Yes, a real drag. Yes, it is, you know.

I'll see if it's all clear now.

I think it's safe to go back to the apartment.

I'll see you when the next salesman comes around.

Goodbye, you two. Gee, I feel better after listening to poor Mrs. Teasley.

I don't feel like we have any problems at all.

Sure, sure.

We can all wait for her while we watch you

going to the clink for passing bum checks.

Well, I bought the stool for all of us.

There must be some way of raising $1,000. Any ideas?

Well, I've done all the work so far. Now it's your turn to do something. Hello?

Oh, yes, this is Loco Jones. It's for me. A telegram?

Uh-huh. Oh.

Well, thank you very much.

Girls were saved. My Uncle George is coming to town tomorrow morning.

What's the matter?

We've met some of your uncles,

and all they did was sit around barefoot and eat turnips.

But you don't understand. Uncle George is a family success.

He owned practically all of Oklahoma and was well on

his way to buying Texas when I left for New York.

Well, in that case, let me have a coin. A coin? What for?

Well, now that we all have a mink stole, let's flip to see who wears it first.

Uncle George!

It'll just be all day long, lady. The name is Melvin.

Then you must be Uncle George?

Well, by the process of elimination, I guess I am.

Oh, George, I'm so glad you're here.

Uncle George!

Loco, your mother didn't have two other daughters

she forgot to tell me about, did she?

Of course not, Uncle George. These are my roommates, Mike and Greta.

Well, I'm beginning to enjoy my visit already. 445, please.

Oh, you're fast. It's only 11.20.

No, he's referring to my fare.

I seem to be all out of small change, and I... Oh, don't worry about that.

How much will you need, Uncle George?

Oh, well, this will do nicely, my dear. There

you are, my good man. You may keep the change.

A tent!

Well, thank you, mister. Well, it's nothing at all, my good fellow. Nothing at all.

Nothing? If he's referring to our bank rule, he's right.

Well, what an attractive place.

And you girls must be doing extremely well.

Oh, it suits three old maids like us,

but it must be nothing compared to what you're used to.

Well, I stay at the desk, naturally, but a hotel room is a hotel room, you know.

It's awfully lonely.

Well, in that case... You want me to stay here?

But the rooms are so tiny.

Oh, well, to be near my favorite niece, I wouldn't mind squeezing a little.

But this is your vacation, Uncle George. You shouldn't have to squeeze.

If he wants to squeeze, let him squeeze.

Well.

Now that that's settled, I'll just take these bags in here, shall I?

Oh, he's adorable. He's so free with money.

Well, ours, anyway. Here I am again, girl.

Oh, come in, Mrs. Teasley. I just brought this little thing for Uncle George.

You know, you made him sound so eligible. Girls, you know,

I'm beginning to feel at home already.

Uncle George, this is Mrs. Teasley, our neighborly

next-door neighbor. How do you do?

I just brought you a little present.

For me?

Are you married, madam?

Widow. Oh, well, then, no, thank you. Now, please, no offense,

but I make it a rule never to accept gifts from unattached females.

And after 60 years protecting my blessed bachelorhood...

I have learned a great deal about the predatory ways of the female sex.

Are you implying that I'm out to trap you? Madam, I never imply. I state.

And I can spot a hound dog a mile away.

My dear husband always called me his little chihuahua.

But nobody's ever called me a hound dog.

You told me.

You said.

Oh, Uncle George, how could you be so cruel?

I'm sorry, Loco, but that woman is out to get me, and I do not intend to be gotten.

I think it'd be better if I left here.

Oh, no, you can't.

Well, it's obvious she comes in here every few minutes,

and I haven't got the right to ask you to get rid of her.

Oh, but you have every right.

You just have to think of a way to keep her out.

Well...

While you girls are thinking, I have an appointment

to keep. Toodle-oo, Uncle George. Oh.

Hello, loco.

May I come in for a moment, Mrs. Teasley?

There's something I want to talk to you about.

Of course, my dear. Come in.

This is our chance, Greta. Loco's too embarrassed

to ask him for the money. We'll have to do it.

Let's at least wait until he's finished unpacking.

Suspense is killing me.

Well, okay.

After all, a thousand to a man like that's just chicken feed.

And here's one chicken that's kind of hungry.

Girls, now that Loco has gone, I won't hem and haw any longer.

Will you lend me $1,000? $250? You mean you're broke?

Broke?

Me? Well, I'm a little short of cash, and my properties are mortgaged to the hilt,

and creditors are chasing me.

Yes, I guess you could say I'm broke.

The locals said you were the richest man in town.

Oh, so I was.

Oh, that poor child. She must never know to what depths her uncle has fallen.

But I can rise again.

All I need is $250 for a plane fare to Peru,

where a wonderful business opportunity awaits me.

Well, I guess the joke's on us.

We wanted to borrow $1,000 from you. You?

What, this penthouse, these furnishings?

Don't tell me you're broke, too. Broke?

We may be out in the street soon.

But not your niece, Loco.

She'll be in jail.

It's really awfully sweet of you, Loco.

But you know...

You didn't have to come and apologize for your uncle.

Oh, I didn't come to apologize. I came to warn you.

Stay away from Uncle George.

Well, after what happened, I've very little choice.

But you know, Loco, perhaps I was a little bit too forward.

I'll come over and apologize to him.

Uh-oh, now don't you go falling for his act.

The brutal one.

Number two on his list. He thinks the meaner he acts,

the more attractive he is to women.

You mean he really likes me?

Well, I don't know if he likes you, but he sure likes your money.

I hate to say this, but he's a notorious fortune hunter.

Fortune hunter?

Now, listen, loco.

When you see him, you tell him he's barking up the wrong fortune. Sure.

But if you should see him first, Mrs. Hound Dog, I... Teensy.

Well, just bite him. Bye.

Does she always walk back and forth like that?

Oh, not always. Only during financial crises.

Yes, always.

I think I have it.

Uncle George, if I had a way to solve all our problems, would you help us out?

Well, girl, you know I would. What do I have to do?

Marry Mrs. Teasley?

Well, I'd be very happy to.

Marry a hound dog?

Never. She's really very nice, and she's lonely.

This could be a good thing for both of you.

I have been a bachelor for 60 years, and I am not crossing the Rubicon now.

Too bad.

She's worth at least two million.

If I had my way, the word marriage would be stricken from the vocab... ...to me.

Cool catch.

What did you say the name of that lovely lady was?

Mike, get the ammunition. You know,

that box of candy your date brought over the other night?

Here you are, Uncle George, for the sweet lady from

her sour boyfriend. Okay, Unc, turn on the charm.

I shall be irresistible.

Mrs. Teasley, you look absolutely ravishing.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the old treasure hunter.

I just came by to apologize for my inexcusable behavior before.

You mean you flopped as Bluebeard, and now you're

trying the Casanova approach. Well, it won't work.

Loco told me everything.

Well, I'm afraid my niece doesn't know everything,

and I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, I'll try to make it as simple as I can.

The hunting season is closed.

Officially.

Don't say a word.

Uncle George, a fortune hunter?

Oh, where did you ever get that preposterous idea?

I just told you straight from the horse's mouth, loco.

Oh, the length that girl will go to to protect dear Uncle George. Protect? Well,

she thinks that every woman is after his money.

Oh, I know that feeling.

Oh, excuse me, girls.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Toby. Yes, I did want to talk to you.

Now, you know how all those salesmen have been plaguing me lately. Well,

I just can't stand it any longer.

Yes, well, they must have got my name out of high finance magazine or something.

Anyway, you've got to put a stop to it.

Tell them I'm broke, I haven't paid my rent, or anything you like,

but just keep them out of that elevator. I, uh, yes.

Yeah, well, thank you, Mr. Toby.

Thank you very much.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes. Do you mean to say that the local told that dreadful story

because she thought that Uncle George was becoming interested in me?

I'm not becoming interested. Uncle George has fallen madly in love with you.

No, he doesn't know what's hit him.

Oh, you make me feel so guilty.

How about coming over this afternoon and pouring tea for Uncle George?

Do you think he'd like that?

Oh, he'd like it if you poured it in his lap.

You know, I'm so excited, I probably will.

No, no, no, I'm terribly sorry, young man.

Hello, Mr. Toby.

Hello, Miss Jones.

You're wasting your time going up to Mrs. Teasley's. Why,

she couldn't possibly afford a helicopter. Why,

she's four months behind in her rent.

But I've published this article on her last month. How could she be broke?

You know how these people live. One day they have it, the next day they don't.

Why, just yesterday, she sent her maid out to pawn her last diamond ring.

Well, no use wasting time on that. Thanks for the tip.

Where are the girls? Have I got something to tell them?

They're out buying some little cakes because Mrs. Teasley is coming over for tea.

What?

No, I know, I know. I asked you to get rid of her,

but since then I've discovered that she's a lovely, charming, cultured lady.

Matter of fact, I'm thinking of asking her to be my wife.

Your wife?

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, no.

It's wonderful.

But, Uncle George, she's after your money.

You're getting your signals crossed.

Then you're after a gold digger who doesn't have a penny to call her own.

Now, Uncle, I'm a big boy.

Just let me handle it.

Huh?

I just heard Mr. Toby say that she's four months behind

in her rent and she just hawked her last diamond ring.

He's thinking of evicting her.

I thought she changed her tune rather quickly.

Sure.

Now that she has no place to live, she figures she'll move in on you.

She thinks you're better than a flophouse.

But I don't.

Right in the first place, that woman ain't nothing but a hound dog.

Just stay where you are, or I'll answer this.

I know I'm a little early, but I just couldn't stay in my apartment another minute.

So they kicked you out already, eh?

Come now, you're still missed because I slammed the door in your face.

Oh, no.

No, because you opened it again.

Sorry we took so long, Uncle George.

Oh, Mrs. Teasley, you're here already?

How nice.

Are we making beautiful music?

I'm afraid the only music our good neighbor knows is, brother, can you spare a dime?

Well, I don't suppose it's of any interest,

but I'd like you to know that I can spare 20 million dimes.

That's your story. But I happen to know your flat broke.

I just heard Mr. Toby tell a salesman.

Mrs. Teasley was four months behind in her rent, didn't

have a quarter to her name, and she's a deadbeat.

Well, that's exactly what he said.

Naturally.

Mrs. Teasley told Mr. Toby to say that to all the salesmen who were annoying her.

You mean she's really loaded?

Now, now, local, let's not be vulgar.

It wouldn't make the slightest difference to me

if this lovely lady were barefoot and penniless. I'd still be enchanted.

I'm all confused.

Please, don't be obvious.

My dear, would it give you any satisfaction if I took that

child over my knee and gave her the spanking of her life?

Oh, no, she's only trying to protect you.

Oh, dear, if I only had someone that interested in me.

Someone is?

Uncle George!

Oh, please, just George.

Please? Then you must call me Alma.

Shall we sneak off on the town tonight, Alma?

Could you be ready in an hour?

Ali?

I can be ready in half an hour. Toodle-oo, girl. Oh!

Well, what's going on here?

Loco, my child, prepare yourself for a shock. Your sweet, generous,

rich uncle is only sweet and generous.

He wants to marry Mrs. Teasley so you won't have to go to jail. Now,

what have you got to say to that?

Well, let's see.

Aunt Alma.

Auntie Alma?

No.

My rich aunt.

I'm dying to know what happened last night. I wish Uncle George would get up.

I didn't hear him come in until four. Four?

Wow. Wow.

Good morning, my little doves.

Uncle George, you're up.

I'm in the stratosphere. Would you care to join me?

Oh, I'd love to.

Dad, you're the merry old soul this morning. You must have had quite a night.

Whenever I take a woman out, it's always quite a night. Would you get it, then?

By all means.

Pardon me for cutting in, but what happened between you and Mrs. Teasley last night?

Oh, first, first we rumbled, and then we sambled, and then we cha-cha-cha.

Is that all that happened?

Well, incidentally, I discovered she's a very delightful woman.

I repeat, is that all that happened?

Well, what more do you expect?

I mean, after you cha-cha-cha, uh...

Oh, I forgot to tell you, we're engaged.

Oh, George! We'll have the wedding right here. Will your Wednesday be too soon?

Oh, I'll get it. Oh, Uncle George!

How pleased Grandma would be.

Her baby getting married after 60 years.

Jesse just delivered a note for Mrs. Teasley.

Ah, it's probably a little love note.

No, no, it's for us.

Now, let's see.

Dear girls, how grateful I am to you for introducing me to Uncle George.

Last night was the most exciting evening of my life.

That's the usual effect.

There I was with a man who could offer me glamour, excitement, and cha-cha-cha.

But alas, this morning I awoke with asthma, arthritis, and lumbago.

I'm afraid we shouldn't have done that last cha-cha-cha.

I have a feeling you shouldn't have done the first one.

So I'm off to my country home to recuperate,

happy in the knowledge that I'm too old for the exciting life I've always dreamt of,

and completely content with what I thought was my humdrum existence.

I seem to have lost my touch.

Wait, wait, there's more.

Thank you, girls, for teaching me contentment.

And knowing that you have everything, I hope you'll accept this little gift.

It's a $1,500 check. Oh, that's awful. Well, what's the matter, loco?

Now you don't have to go to jail.

I know, but... Poor Uncle George.

Always a bridesmaid.

Never a bride!

Boy, that 1500 sure went fast.

Well, we didn't have to send Uncle George to Peru first class, did we?

But he wouldn't travel any other way.

Girls, isn't it beautiful?

Now, who gets to wear it first? Well, let's flip for it. Mike, have you got a coin?

Oh, I'm afraid we'll have to draw straws instead.

Why?

There isn't a coin in the house.